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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,399
If I ask Leo out,
you've gotta ask Jo out. Deal?
2
00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:08,279
No. It's like, illegal.
3
00:00:08,280 --> 00:00:10,439
Shagging your boss is like
the least illegal of all
4
00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:12,319
the illegal crimes.
5
00:00:12,320 --> 00:00:14,399
Tomorrow night. Put it out there.
6
00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:16,559
I can't tomorrow.
7
00:00:16,560 --> 00:00:19,319
Why, what you got on?
Bubble bath and a megawank?
8
00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:25,519
It's 25 years since my mum died.
9
00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:27,479
Probs skip the megawank then.
10
00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:33,839
Me and my dad always make her
signature dish.
11
00:00:33,840 --> 00:00:37,080
Cheese sandwiches.
12
00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:42,399
She wasn't that much of a cook.
13
00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:44,319
Speed bump!
14
00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:45,719
Why're you slowing down?
15
00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:47,799
Gotta be extra careful ever since
I got banned from driving
16
00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:49,999
for 15 years.
17
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:53,119
When was that?
Last week.
18
00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:55,919
Yes, mate.
Yeah, it's been ages, man.
19
00:00:55,920 --> 00:00:58,199
You saw the dance videos?
20
00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:00,399
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm just like...
21
00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:03,439
...I'm a, I'm a, I'm a,
a tiktacker now.
22
00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:05,639
I got out early. Thank you,
Sir Kier!
23
00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:08,679
Yeah, erm...
24
00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:11,479
...but, but, but what if...?
25
00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:13,480
OK, yeah, yeah.
26
00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:17,639
My mate Paul's a bit furious
I didn't call him
27
00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:21,559
a couple of months back,
cos I owe him 20 grand.
28
00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:23,879
And now I've got till
tomorrow, mid-day,
29
00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:25,799
to pay him or he's gonna cut me
knob off.
30
00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:30,559
Just a nice matey catch up then?
31
00:01:30,560 --> 00:01:32,959
I don't have access
to those kinda funds,
32
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:35,679
cos it's all tied up in my
investment thingy.
33
00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:37,879
Shoes for dogs.
34
00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:40,639
Untapped market -
double the feet.
35
00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:44,159
This is all very,
very bad news for my knob.
36
00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:46,119
Hey, is that Sean swinging
a little baby
37
00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:47,959
around by his tiny ankles?
38
00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:50,959
SINGING
39
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:54,119
You are my favourite gnome!
Joseph.
40
00:01:54,120 --> 00:01:57,120
Bang! Argh! Fucking bum-head.
41
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,679
Oh, I thought I was
interviewing Emily?
42
00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:10,360
Why? My charity.
43
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:15,399
This is Craig Dawkins,
44
00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:18,199
Editor in Chief of Yakka Brack.
45
00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:22,079
For the purpose of this tape,
would you state your name?
46
00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:28,079
Calm down, Dad,
you're not the police.
47
00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:30,999
I'm Jo Tull-Hogg,
I'm the founder of Wee CU.
48
00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:33,639
Right. Tell us about the charity.
49
00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:36,479
We assess workplaces
to check their bathrooms adhere
50
00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:39,199
to disability access regulations.
51
00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:40,479
Great.
52
00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:43,679
And you've recently expanded -
tell me about that.
53
00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:45,919
I've employed several people
to assess as many
54
00:02:45,920 --> 00:02:48,119
workplaces as possible.
55
00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:51,279
I will not rest until every
bathroom in
56
00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:53,319
the land is accessible.
57
00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:56,879
I perceive the world around us
through a social lens.
58
00:02:56,880 --> 00:03:00,559
We are impaired by its mis-design.
59
00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,280
OK, then. Lovely.
60
00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:06,079
Tell us about your funding model.
61
00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:12,999
I didn't think you'd be asking
so many questions.
62
00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:14,319
It's me duty, love.
63
00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:17,159
I'm the Emily Maitlis of
the parish magazine world.
64
00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:20,440
ALL: What a woman!
65
00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:23,680
Hmm...
66
00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:27,279
So, the funding?
67
00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:29,119
It's all thanks to generous
donations from the public.
68
00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:32,039
Three, two, one.
69
00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:34,959
And you're making a lot, are you?
70
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:36,519
Yeah.
71
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:37,839
Yeah, we are actually.
72
00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:41,759
Dad, what are you doing?
73
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:45,719
Getting some sugar.
It's in here, is it? Mm.
74
00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:50,040
Most people are pretty
cash-strapped at the moment.
75
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:55,719
Oh, there it is.
76
00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:59,079
How are they affording
to give you money?
77
00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:00,519
Have you got any biscuits?
78
00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:02,119
Yeah, course. I'll just grab them.
79
00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:06,439
Jo... Jo... Jo!
80
00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:10,560
Will you go out with me?
81
00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:16,599
And I think that's a lovely place to
finish the interview.
82
00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:17,879
Thanks for your time.
83
00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:22,279
So, see you tomorrow
for Mum's cheese sandos?
84
00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:24,479
Yeah, yeah.
D'you want your cup back?
85
00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:27,399
No, don't worry. We've got loads.
86
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:29,039
Bye. Bye.
87
00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:33,439
Oh, my God, sorry about him.
88
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:37,359
He is suffocating.
89
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,119
I wondered how many sets
of lingerie I'd have
90
00:04:39,120 --> 00:04:41,559
to order before you asked me out.
91
00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:43,079
How's tomorrow night?
92
00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:46,239
Erm, yeah, great.
93
00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:50,079
Book somewhere bougie,
somewhere intimate.
94
00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:52,520
Hmm...
95
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:04,759
Jo Tull-Hogg is so fit.
96
00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:07,119
Amazing.
97
00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:12,440
Emily Tull-Hogg.
98
00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:17,999
I'm a little hog?
99
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:19,679
Five weeks working me
bollocks off for what?
100
00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:21,639
To lose it all on t'dog shoes
and that tosser.
101
00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:24,399
You what? I thought you said dog
shoes were a solid investment?
102
00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:25,719
C'mon, you lot, let's go.
103
00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:27,279
These last two bricks
of bugle won't sell
104
00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:28,799
and snort themselves.
105
00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:31,520
I need all the extra cash
I can get me hands on.
106
00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:40,519
And this is definitely safe?
107
00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:43,079
It definitely isn't safe -
we're buying spice on the dark web?
108
00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:45,199
42% of murders are drug-related.
109
00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:47,479
But you're more likely
to be killed by a spouse.
110
00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:49,319
That's why I'm single.
111
00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:51,640
I forgot the cocaine.
112
00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:56,679
What ya doin'?
113
00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:58,479
We're ordering spice on
the dark web using
114
00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:01,119
an obscure cryptocurrency
called 'bishonfriscoin'...
115
00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:03,079
Why did you just kick me?
116
00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:04,199
No fuckin' chance.
117
00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:05,239
CLICKS BUY
118
00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:06,999
Oops, I wobbled.
119
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:10,919
Oh, same day delivery.
120
00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:13,679
We're shifting this powder
and then I'm out, remember?
121
00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:16,839
You've got to carry on.
122
00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:19,479
Think of the money.
123
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,679
We're so close to the end,
right, and nobody's died yet.
124
00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:23,159
Fuck the money!
125
00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:29,279
Spice will get us richer, faster.
126
00:06:29,280 --> 00:06:30,959
Have you ever tried that shit?
127
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:34,959
I've never tried any drugs.
128
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:36,119
Not even weed?
129
00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:39,679
Why, would I? I get the gist.
130
00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:42,039
It's not like spice.
131
00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:44,759
One go on that shite,
right, and you're hooked for life.
132
00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:48,039
Bit like Starbursts?
133
00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:50,399
You end up vomiting yourself into
a coma and then you're dead.
134
00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:54,839
So, exactly like Starbursts?
135
00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:56,759
If you start selling that shit
round here,
136
00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:59,439
Lennie Kennedy will fucking come
for us.
137
00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:04,279
What if you gave that spice
138
00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:08,959
to your cock-chopping mate?
139
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:10,560
Would that clear your debt?
140
00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:16,439
You're good.
141
00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:17,879
I know.
142
00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:19,599
SHE LAUGHS
143
00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:22,559
SHE STARTS TO WHEEZE
144
00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:24,000
HE COUGHS
145
00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:28,519
Fuck doing the drop meself.
146
00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:29,999
We need someone proper vulnerable.
147
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:32,439
Too pathetic to get their knob
cut off.
148
00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:34,999
How do we work that out?
149
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:38,639
Line them all up in a row?
150
00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:40,320
Yeah.
151
00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:43,280
OK.
152
00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:46,359
Hiya, gang.
153
00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:50,479
Can we all line up?
154
00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:54,559
Most vulnerable HERE.
155
00:07:54,560 --> 00:08:00,039
Least vulnerable over THERE.
156
00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:01,599
Now.
157
00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:03,639
No chance, Haz.
158
00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:06,079
Have you seen them guns?
159
00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:07,959
Bottom of the line, big fella.
160
00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:09,759
Emily, swap with me.
161
00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:13,239
You're way more vulnerable than me.
162
00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:15,079
How d'you work that out?
163
00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:20,679
You are cradling a garden gnome.
164
00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:22,999
Let me get you a fucking
chair, mam.
165
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:26,039
What's all this standing up bollocks
for anyway?
166
00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:28,959
Emily Dawkins has bought
approximately two kilos of spice.
167
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:34,119
And we need someone to drop it off.
168
00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:37,119
Are John Grisham books in here?
169
00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:39,159
Oh? Out there. Fiction,
170
00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:42,079
row two, three shelves down,
six books across.
171
00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:45,679
Right. OK.
172
00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:47,800
Are you lot the line dancing club?
173
00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:53,279
Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, yes.
174
00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:55,239
Five, six, seven, and...
175
00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:59,720
EMILY CLAPS OUT A RHYTHM
176
00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:21,759
Why doesn't she do the drop?
177
00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:23,719
Her legs work. Rude.
178
00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:26,119
Oh, it can't be me -
tomorrow's my day off.
179
00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:28,599
What do you think this is,
a, a, a job?
180
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:30,919
Yes. Check the shared calendar.
181
00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:32,679
Shared fucking calendar?
182
00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:35,239
It's my monthly The Bill event.
183
00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:39,199
I'm larping as DS Sam Nixon in
Episode 422.
184
00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:41,439
The one where she investigates
the sale of rancid meat?
185
00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:45,359
Spousal murder, yeah?
186
00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:48,959
That's why you're single.
187
00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:51,039
All right, I'll do it.
188
00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:52,479
LAUGHTER
189
00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:53,839
Fuck you!
190
00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:55,959
Me and Joseph are
the least vulnerable here.
191
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:57,560
Think I'll fuck it up?
192
00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:00,120
I'll prove you wrong.
193
00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:03,400
Em, I need this.
194
00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:06,439
Over there, mate.
195
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:09,239
Really? Him?
196
00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:12,759
You wanted vulnerable.
197
00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:15,479
Ta-dah!
198
00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:18,279
Right. Here ya go.
199
00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:20,119
We should set up our own servers,
200
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:23,159
use PGP-encrypted smartphones
and communicate on MOUS.
201
00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:25,279
What? That clicky thing
on t'computer?
202
00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:27,519
That's a mouse.
You said the same word again.
203
00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:29,199
MOUS.
204
00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:32,039
It's an encrypted messaging
service where we can communicate?
205
00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:34,239
This ain't Ocean's 12, mate.
206
00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:39,479
Yeah, surely WhatsApp is fine?
207
00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:42,119
What's what?
Just download MOUS.
208
00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:45,719
Take the 196 to
the Dame Diana Rigg Roundabout on
209
00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:47,319
the county line for midday tomorrow.
210
00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:51,599
And for fuck's sake,
man, don't lose the fucking spice.
211
00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:57,440
I would never lose the spice.
212
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:06,560
I lost the spice.
213
00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:15,239
I can't find me kecks or
me dungers.
214
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:17,279
And the spice was in the pocket.
215
00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:19,839
And I can't find Joseph.
The gnome?
216
00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:22,399
He must be terrified.
217
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:28,680
"You've got till 8pm to get me
the stuff."
218
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:33,999
"Or I'll cut your cock off
and your head off."
219
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,079
Classic Paul.
220
00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:39,719
I'm gonna do a little bit of
diarrhoea before I draft me will.
221
00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:43,279
If you don't find the spice,
222
00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:50,639
you're going to be in serious
trouble. Serious.
223
00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:53,199
I promise
224
00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:55,239
I will... Snnnggghhh!
225
00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:57,520
...find the...
226
00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:01,880
HE BELCHES
227
00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:04,279
...the spice.
228
00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:05,319
Fuck's sake, Em!
229
00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:07,479
We shoulda talked about this before
you let him off the hook.
230
00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:08,999
What next, eh?
231
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:11,999
Harry stabs a kid, and you're just
like, "No worries, pal. Here ya,
232
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:13,760
"have a Carling and a cuddle"?
233
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:17,479
Why did you even get us into this
spice shit, man?
234
00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:22,359
If you didn't want me to deal drugs,
235
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:27,919
you shouldn't have forced me
to deal drugs.
236
00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:30,759
Fuck you, man. Right,
my drugs are fun drugs.
237
00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:32,559
Your drugs are just drug-drugs, man.
238
00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:36,239
It's like back at school,
you'll get away with it. But me?
239
00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:40,280
I'm gonna lose me dick. And me head.
240
00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:45,999
And then they're gonna put me own
dick in me own head.
241
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:48,919
And then they're gonna post it
on t'internet.
242
00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:56,119
Relax, we've got three hours
to find the spice.
243
00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:58,359
Whatever happens, yeah,
244
00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:01,839
we... we gotta face this ourselves.
It's me and you, man.
245
00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:09,799
No. I'm doing something intimate
with Jo tonight.
246
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:12,559
I asked her out.
247
00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:15,839
Yeah, yeah. Good for you, shagger!
248
00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:17,679
Ohhhhh! Oooohhh!
249
00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:18,959
Wait, man. Wait.
250
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,679
We can... we can do it together
at 8pm, right.
251
00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:24,839
At the Ploughman's Fayre off the
B1230, right.
252
00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:28,879
There's no CCTV in t'car park.
It's on the county line, right.
253
00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:30,799
And the food, man, the food is...
254
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:32,039
Viola!
255
00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:34,519
And we can do both dates at
the same time, right.
256
00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:36,720
Me, you, bird, bird.
257
00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:39,599
God, I'm good.
258
00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:43,639
What happens if it goes wrong?
259
00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:45,639
We get murked in't front of ladies.
260
00:13:45,640 --> 00:13:48,119
Hell of a story to tell the
grandkids
261
00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:50,399
they'll have with someone else.
262
00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:53,560
Is the Ploughman's Fayre intimate?
263
00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:57,840
Yeah.
264
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:03,079
I really thought you'd take me
somewhere special.
265
00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:05,759
Anyway. I am super impressed, Emily.
266
00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:09,199
Your expansion of my charity in
a matter of weeks.
267
00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:10,479
You've really run with it.
268
00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:11,759
Not run.
269
00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:15,319
Oh, it makes me so mad when people
use that phrase.
270
00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:16,519
Not mad.
271
00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:18,799
I know what you meant.
272
00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:19,920
So erm...
273
00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:25,279
Have you ever done drugs?
274
00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:28,679
No. Never have done.
275
00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:32,119
Never, ever will.
276
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:33,680
It's just... erm...
277
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:37,239
I brought some edibles.
278
00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:39,440
I need to let loose tonight,
you know?
279
00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:43,999
Let me clarify.
280
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:47,079
Never have, never will
281
00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:50,640
on an empty stomach.
282
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:53,920
Whoa!
283
00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:58,960
Have you just eaten an entire bear?
284
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,480
Me kecks have got to be
here somewhere.
285
00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:05,799
Trousers, trousers.
286
00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:07,999
Ha -ha!
287
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,479
Found them. That was easy.
288
00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:12,919
Oh, think they're empty.
289
00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:13,959
Other than...
290
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:15,919
AAAAGHH!
291
00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:18,479
Oh. I shoulda said, "Careful,
292
00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:20,799
"there's a ship in a bottle in
there."
293
00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:22,279
It's broken.
294
00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:24,679
Couldn't get the ship out
the bottle.
295
00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:27,879
That's it! The Ship!
296
00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:30,319
I know where the spice is. Come on.
297
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:34,519
It's been years since I saw you,
and I think last time,
298
00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:36,119
you were being tasered by police?
299
00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:38,319
I were holding an ice cream.
Never got to finish it.
300
00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:41,159
How have you gone from that fella
to this.
301
00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:43,559
A man who works at a charity?
302
00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:49,439
I wanted to do something for,
y'know, the disableds. Oh.
303
00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:51,679
People with disabled needs.
304
00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:54,679
And... and Emily.
305
00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:56,119
You know Emily?
306
00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:58,759
Her sat there, off of school.
307
00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:01,399
She has that serena palsy,
308
00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:05,199
so, I um,
I reckoned I'd start with her.
309
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:06,360
Oh.
310
00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:11,279
Are you sure this is place you got
ship in't bottle last night?
311
00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:14,440
I'm 100 sure... I'm unsure.
312
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:20,039
Dwayne's grown up to be
a right little shit.
313
00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:24,919
He needs stability,
a positive male role model and...
314
00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:27,080
I've gotta go toilet. Oh.
315
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:32,839
Cough, cough, cough, cough.
Bogs. Cough, cough.
316
00:16:32,840 --> 00:16:36,039
Yes, I do need a wee.
317
00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:39,039
I'm good at drugs,
318
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:43,280
I can't feel anythinnnnggggg.
319
00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:55,920
Who's this fella?
320
00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:58,920
Used to be me.
321
00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:04,159
The fucking clock's wrong!
322
00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:06,239
We've only got 14 minutes left, man.
323
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:09,959
Where the fuck is the spice?
324
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:11,600
Why are your eyes all red, man?
325
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:15,399
Ketchup? Yes, sir.
326
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:19,559
I sprayed ketchup
327
00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:24,239
right into my eyeballs.
328
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:26,079
This is why I never order
the mushroom risotto
329
00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:27,639
in these fancy gaffs.
330
00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:31,079
These days every cunt calls himself
a fucking forager.
331
00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:34,799
I am not stoned.
332
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:42,160
I,... I never takened
ketchup, remember.
333
00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:48,920
Having fun? Huh?
334
00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:51,600
Fuck off.
335
00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:54,639
Bye-bye.
336
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:57,519
Guess who's back!
337
00:17:57,520 --> 00:17:58,959
You're back.
338
00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:00,600
I'm back.
339
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:03,960
What's this absolute shithole?
340
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:11,959
Are you here to steal
more of my gnomes?
341
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:14,319
Why have you got so many gnomes?
342
00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:17,199
They're quite obviously
little figurines of me.
343
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:21,839
You're signalling that you're not
over this, that you're not over us.
344
00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:23,559
Marcus gives them to me.
345
00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:25,919
One each week since our first date.
346
00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:28,439
It's romantic, actually.
347
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,719
Where's the one you stole
two nights ago?
348
00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:31,760
JOSEPH!
349
00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:34,999
I put the... I put the...
In Joseph!
350
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:36,720
Come on, you. Come on.
351
00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:43,199
For our next date,
can we go to Le Mer De Glace?
352
00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:45,399
Our next date?
353
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:46,519
Hmm.
354
00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:50,159
That's very presumptuous,
355
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:53,359
Miss Tull-Hogg.
356
00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:55,680
There's nothing I love
more than eating out.
357
00:18:57,760 --> 00:18:59,520
You all right?
358
00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:03,479
Hmm. The spice is in t'gnome.
359
00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:05,239
There are no gnomes here.
360
00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:09,679
But I do have good news.
We discovered many...
361
00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:10,839
...cold chips.
362
00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:13,119
Which are now in our bellies.
363
00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:15,879
Chips. That's it. What?
364
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:18,199
Chips. I lost Joseph
in a game of poker.
365
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,919
Speed camera!
366
00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:21,439
Oh, no!
367
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:24,079
If I'm gonna get involved
with anyone again,
368
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:26,399
I need to know it's serious.
369
00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:28,439
For that little boy's sake,
370
00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:31,439
I need to know
you'll be reliable and...
371
00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:33,599
I've gotta go toilet again.
372
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:35,439
Sorry. It's the squits.
373
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:36,839
HE COUGHS
374
00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:37,919
Let's go.
375
00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:40,679
Yeah, wee-wee time again.
376
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,799
Wee-wee!
377
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:44,320
Shush.
378
00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:47,959
You shush.
379
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:51,040
We're high up here!
380
00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:04,479
You lost a spice-filled gnome
381
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:07,319
in a game of poker?
382
00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:08,919
Who to?
383
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:12,639
This is gonna sound mental,
but...
384
00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:15,999
...I'm pretty sure it
was a young...
385
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:17,639
...Gary Lineker. That's it, then.
386
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:20,999
We're all gonna be headless,
cockless internet corpses, man.
387
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:23,439
Worse, it's the bastard filth. Run!
388
00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:24,880
If you can.
389
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:27,720
It's Hope.
390
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:30,040
What?
391
00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:34,079
Are you making a moral judgment
based on my willingness
392
00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:36,239
to take a vulnerable man
for his best gnome friend
393
00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:37,560
in a game of poker?
394
00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:41,599
Ah. Joseph went down so well
at The Bill.
395
00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:43,759
You see, there are these tiny
burglars in episode one.
396
00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:47,119
Ooh, ow. OK. Don't squeeze me,
Ewen Sheridan.
397
00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:49,159
We thought Joseph
398
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:51,519
and the spice
399
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:54,439
were gone for good.
400
00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:56,079
Well, didn't any of you check MOUS?
401
00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:57,639
I've been messaging
since last night.
402
00:20:57,640 --> 00:20:59,239
None of you downloaded it, did you?
403
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:00,999
I don't have a phone, love.
404
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:02,799
There wasn't enough space left.
405
00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:04,279
Has anyone seen my mobile?
406
00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:05,719
Here we go.
407
00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:07,520
You lot, wait here.
408
00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:11,439
Who was that shouty bint
back in the posh house?
409
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:13,199
Joseph's mother.
410
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:16,639
My wife. No - former wife.
411
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:21,599
A lady I am no longer allowed
to talk to or go near.
412
00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:23,520
Nice to see an old flame, eh?
413
00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:27,199
What if they pick up
414
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:29,599
the wrong thing
415
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:32,759
and they end up picking up
416
00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:36,319
a big bag of dog poo?
417
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:37,759
Happened to me once.
418
00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:39,839
I swear I can still
smell it on me hand.
419
00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:41,439
Has anyone ever told you
420
00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:43,399
you are the spitting image
421
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:45,839
of a young Gary Lineker
422
00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:47,439
circa 1989?
423
00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:49,400
Yes. Many people.
424
00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:52,560
Emily?
425
00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:57,079
Hungry?
426
00:21:57,080 --> 00:21:59,919
Ah. I'm full.
427
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:01,119
Love, before you go.
428
00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:03,199
Is the bath
429
00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:05,839
making that weird
430
00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:09,559
gurgling sound again?
431
00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:12,320
No, it's not that.
Well, I mean, it is, but I...
432
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:15,279
No.
433
00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:19,519
I wanted to tell you that your
mam would be proper proud of you,
434
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:22,640
coming out of your shell and doing
something important with your life.
435
00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:26,400
OK.
436
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:30,720
25 years ago today, love.
437
00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:33,440
Can you believe it?
438
00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:39,040
HE SIGHS HEAVILY
439
00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:56,440
Ooh, I don't mind if I do.
440
00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:02,599
Hmm.
441
00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:04,400
Bit stale.
442
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:15,439
Not to self.
443
00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:18,760
Google Emily Maitlis' shoe size.
444
00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:24,519
Oh... God!
445
00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:26,839
Ohh-hoo-hoo!
446
00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:29,159
I bet she's a five!
447
00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:31,280
HE SOBS
448
00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:45,920
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
449
00:23:45,970 --> 00:23:50,520
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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