All language subtitles for the.incredible.adventures.of.professor.branestawm.720p.hdtv.x264-tla

That's it.

Backs straight.

Heads up. Keep your feet dainty.

Dainty, Martha.

You look like a wounded Heffalump
with a wooden leg.

Smile, Connie, smile.

You will never get yourself
a good husband

until you learn to smile
and be pretty.

SHE STOMPS
Ah!

I won't. I simply won't.

It's silly and pointless.

Deportment is not silly
and pointless, Connie.

I want to learn proper things.

I want to learn science and maths
and civil engineering.

There is no point in teaching
girls science and maths

and civil engineering.

All you need to learn to snare
a husband is cooking and sewing

and being nice

I don't want a stupid husband.

I don't want to be nice.

I want to do great things.

I want to make medicine that
saves millions of lives.

I want to build hydroelectric
dams and rockets that will fly
to the moon.

MISS BLITHERINGTON LAUGHS
Don't be so ridiculous, Connie!

A GIRL will never do
things like that.

Now, carry on with your lesson.
I won't.

Then I'm sending you home,
until you learn how to behave.

I won't.
Your mother will not be pleased.

If only your father were still
around to discipline you properly!

Well, he's not around any more,
is he?

But if he was I bet he would
come in here right now

and tell you off for not
teaching me useful things.

Hello, Connie.

DOG BARKS
Whoa! Oh!

Hello, Connie.

I wonder if I might tell
you about my scheme to send

hand-knitted waistcoats
to the citizens of... Oh!

Ow! Ow!

Watch where you're going,
you young hooligan,

you nearly knocked me over.

Come along, Angelica.

Is she all right?
Of course she's all right.

We're the injured parties here.

I've a good mind to sue her.

Ah, hello, Mr Bullimore.

I wonder if I might tell you about
my scheme to send

hand-knitted waistcoats to the
citizens of South Crashbania?

Oh, good day.

Connie? What are you doing
home from school so early?

Is everything all right, lovey?

No, everything is NOT all right.

School is stupid, and the lessons
are stupid and the other girls

are stupid and Miss Blitherington
is especially stupid.

Oh, dear. You haven't been arguing
about your lessons again, have you?

I might have been.

I want to learn stuff, Mum.

Useful stuff.

Oh, lovey, whatever are we
going to do with you?

CLOCK CHIMES

And what are we going to do
with this clock?

That blooming Branestawm man
was supposed to have fixed it.

You never went to see the professor?
It was your Aunt Maggie's idea.

She thought he might
get it working again.

Nothing's right in the world.

Here, Connie, I've got an idea.

Seeing as you're not at school,

you can make yourself busy
and run an errand for me.

Oh!

Would you take this clock
back to the professor?

Really?

Really truly?

You'll let me visit the professor?
Just this once.

If it'll cheer you up.

But you've always said it
would be too dangerous for me.

Are you bothered?

Connie, you've still got
your books on your head, love.

Oh.

That's clever.

Now, you be careful
and hurry straight back.

Professor Branestawm,
you have a visitor!

Argh!

Ouch! Please enter.

EXPLOSION

Argh!

Oomph!

Hello.

Hello?

Hello?!

Hello.

Are you all right. Quite all right,
thank you for asking.

Only you just flew out a window.

I'm doing some spring cleaning.

Oh. Spring cleaning is a silly,
messy, tiresome,

time-consuming business and my
housekeeper, Mrs Flittersnoop,

doesn't enjoy it one bit, which is
why I've invented a machine

to do it for her - the Professor
Branestawm House Cleaning Machine!

How does it work? Well, it's quite
simple, really, collects up all

the rubbish and whatnot
and wherefore and why on Earth,

and throws it out! That's clever.
Yes. Isn't it?

It throws out everything -
dust, dirt,

fluff...

..chairs...

..wardrobes...

MEOW!

Hmm, that looks like a cat...

A WOMAN SCREAMS

..and people.

I think I might have the cleaning
level set rather too high.

The machine's getting
a little carried away.

Do you have some paper?

Yes...

So, if the apex of the triangle
ABC bisects the line DE...

Just as I thought!

Left to its own devices
it might destroy the whole house.

Interesting.

I can only hope that it...

SQUEALING

There we go.
It's thrown itself out.

Oh! Ah!

Ah, Mrs Flittersnoop!

Hello, Auntie Maggie.

Is it dangerous? Highly.

Don't you think we ought to stop it?

Most probably. Which is why
I've called for Colonel Dedshott.

Who's Colonel Dedshott?

Who's Colonel Dedshott?
Who is Colonel Dedshott?

Great heavens!

Oh, my goodness me, and all that.

That is Colonel Dedshott
of the Catapult Cavaliers.

What has happened? And why? And how?

Accident? Explosion?

Insurrection?
Spring cleaning.

This is more serious
than I thought! Battle stations!

Man the catapults!

Charge! The colonel has never
missed a train, an enemy,

or an opportunity
of getting into danger!

Ooh!

Ah!

CLATTERING AND CRASHING

I really think we ought
to do something.

Hmm. We could have tea,
I suppose. Oh!

What was that?
I think it was a vase.

Yes, Ming dynasty,
early 15th century...

No, Woolworths.

Why do you have
so many pairs of glasses?

Oh, well, these are for reading,
these are for writing,

these are for looking at things
very close up.

Good lord, a little girl!

These are for looking at things
very far away.

Hm, somebody in Germany is
setting fire to their trousers.

These are for looking at you
over the top of.

Hm, another little girl.
Are you twins? Interesting.

These are for outdoors.

And these...

Hm, these aren't mine.
Don't know how they got in there.

And these... Ah!

These are the most valuable pair!
What are they for?

They're for looking for the others
when I can't find them.

Glasses have a nasty habit
of hiding from you.

Ooooh! Come back here, you coward!

Hello, Auntie!

Stop that man!

SHOUTING AND CRASHING

Get this thing off me!

Ah, well done, that man!

I'm glad I had the foresight to
invent an off switch for my device.

I really am too clever
for my own good sometimes.

Really, this is intolerable!

CRASHING, MACHINE POWERS DOWN

Oh! I couldn't agree more.
Spring cleaning. Bad business.

Miss Silt, I want you to keep
a complete record of proceedings.

Take down everything I say.
Yes, Mr Haggerstone, sir.

Now, you, I presume,
are Professor Branestawm.

I am he. Yes, I am. Marmalade?

He am. He is.

I can vouch for he...for him.

The man is a phenomenon,
absolute genius.

I can't understand
half the things he says.

In fact, to tell you the truth,
I don't understand a word of it.

Much too brainy for me.
Makes my head go round and round.

Hm.

I am Councillor Harold Haggerstone,
of the Pagwell Town Council,

and I am here to tell you that there
have been complaints, Professor.

Complaints? Complaints?

Complaints. Complaints.

What sort of complaints?
Complaints? Complaints.

Of noise, and mess and,
I don't know,

explosions and general disruption,
that sort of thing.

That sort of thing.

I've not met General Disruption.
I know a Colonel Dedshott.

In fact, there he is! Standing right
there. What a coincidence.

Colonel,
we were just talking about you.

Pleased to meet you,
Mr Horrid Hag. Haggerstone.

Haggerstone.
If you say so.

I have reason to believe, Professor,

that you have constructed
an unlicensed workshop

in your garden that poses
a threat to health and safety,

and I have orders for it
to be torn down.

There must be some mistake.
The professor has permission

to build his laboratory from the
council. I'm quite sure of it.

It says here
in very small writing,

that if you want to protest against
the council's decision,

you can go to the town hall
meeting on Friday morning.

Well, there's no need for that.
The professor has a permit.

I remember it arrived
on my birthday.

And I remember it was my birthday
because the professor gave me

a brand-new camera...
Happy birthday, by the way.

Oh, thank you very much.
It was a few years ago now.

You can attend the meeting
if you wish,

but, I'm warning you, Branestawm...
No, I am warning you

Argh!
Is that with three or four As, sir?

No-one threatens my professor,
Mr Harrid Hog!

Haggerstone.
I'll be the judge of that!

Do you have a licence for
that catapult? A licence?

I'll have you know, sir,
I won catapulting gold

at the Commonwealth Games!

Hm. Good day to you gentlemen,
madam.

Mmm.

I'll get him!

Ah! Oh!

Ah! Agh!

Who on Earth was that?

Fella by the name of Hobbit Hole.
Haggerstone.

Not to be trusted - shifty type,

keeps changing his name.
Doesn't like toast. Precisely!

I'm not one to complain,
but this is one of those days.

First your cleaning machine
turns the house upside down

and inside out, and then comes at
me like a wild thing,

so it does, and then the council
comes nosing around with

paperwork and warnings
and I don't know what.

Are you all right, Auntie?
I'm all a flutter, so I am,

and me turned 40 - ahem! -
this twelvemonth.

It's a shame, that's what it is.

I shall need a lie down.

Ee, Connie, what are you doing here?

I brought the clock back that the
professor mended for my mum.

Oh, don't tell me.
It's not quite right.

No, it's not right.
It's all quite wrong.

Mum was wondering if you could
take another look at it?

Follow me!

This is my Inventory, where
I do all my inventing and suchlike.

We'll have your clock fixed in
three shakes of a lamb's jiffy.

This is brilliant!

Look at all this stuff.

What's this?

That is a machine for herding cats.

And this? What's this?

One of my latest inventions.

A portable telephone, imagine that!

A telephone that you can
always have with you.

That would be amazing.
Then prepare to be amazed

by the Professor Branestawm
Portable Telephone Device Thing!

BELL DINGS

Ah.
BELL DINGS

Touch.

Hello?

Hello, could you get me Lower
Pagwell 232, please? Thank you.

Hello? Who is this?

What do you mean I called you?

I'm very busy demonstrating
my new telephone,

I don't have time to be
making phone calls.

Stop bothering me or I shall
report you to the police,

the Army, the Navy and the RSPCA!

I call it a mobile telephone!

I am working on a similar device
for the police.

So they can call the station
when they're out chasing burglars

and smugglers and female
impersonators and the like.

Imagine that! A police box that you
could travel around in?

POLICE BOX THRUMS

Now, who were you again,
and what is it you want?

I'm Mrs Flittersnoop's sister
Aggie's little girl, Connie,

and I've brought Mum's clock back.
Ah, yes, mmm, I remember this.

I made some adjustments to it to
improve its workings.

It'll never run down and never
need winding up ever again.

But it's striking too many times.

How so? How so?
How so? How so?

Well, at six o'clock in the evening
it struck 18 times,

and at midnight it struck 24. That's
not a mistake. No, no, no, no, no.

It's a 24-hour clock,
my dear, it's the modern way.

Yes, but at one o'clock in the
morning it struck 25 and woke

the cat. And at two o'clock in the
morning it struck 26, and so on.

Mmm, that's not right. It must be
adding a chime every hour.

Look, it's coming up
to four o'clock.

Hm, by my calculations, it should
strike...40 times.

CLOCK STARTS TO STRIKE

Yes, I see the problem.

There is a simple way
to fix it, however.

Really. Yes.

There. Tell your mother it'll never
wake the cat ever again.

But how are we going to
tell the time? Ah...

How's your end, Colonel?
Be careful.

Mind your backs.

I'm much better going forwards.
I'm not one to retreat.

I don't know how your mother
let it get to this stage!

You really should have
brought it to me sooner.

Could you pass me
that screwdriver, please?

Thank you.

I wish I could be like you.

Inventing things
in my own Inventory.

But all they teach me at school
is how to find a nice husband

and make tea for him
and give him his slippers

when he comes home from work.
Slippers? Tea? Husbands? Otters?

I never said otters.
Quite right, too.

Otters have no place
in this conversation.

Leave otters out of it!

But this won't do,
this won't do at all.

Science is a wonderful thing.

I shall teach you
everything I know about it.

Really? Are you sure?

That'd be fantastic.

Tell me, what sort of an experiment
would you like to start off with?

An explosion?

My favourite sort!

Bandits! Saboteurs!

Female impersonators!

We're under attack,
Mrs Flittersnoop!

That went very well, I thought.
Very well indeed.

Mrs Flittersnoop, time for tea.

After all, the clock
has just struck 40.

Oh, what have you done now?

Look at the state of you both.

My sister Aggie
will have a purple fit.

I have been giving this small
person, whoever she is,

possibly some kind of pygmy,
science lessons.

But you won't be able to give me
any more if the council comes

and closes down your Inventory
and stops your experiments.

Hmm.

You must make sure you go
to the meeting on Friday.

Tell them all about the amazing
stuff you've invented,

like the mobile telephone,
and the cat herder.

The cat herder
doesn't actually work.

And then they'll understand,

and they won't make you
close down your Inventory.

Not sure the telephone does, either.

FIZZING

CLATTERING

Or that.

# Oh, the factories may be roaring

# With a boom-a-lacka
zoom-a-lacka wee

# But there isn't any roar
when the clock strikes four

# Everything stops for tea

# Oh, a lawyer in a courtroom

# In the middle of an alimony plea

# Has to stop and help them pour
when the clock strikes four... #

Stop that!

# Everything stops for tea

# It's a very good English custom

# And a stimulant for the brain

# When you feel a little weary

# A cup will make you cheery

# And it's cheaper
than champagne... #

Oh, ah!

# Now I know just why Franz Schubert

# Didn't finish his
unfinished symphony... #

Oh!

# He might have written more,
but the clock struck four

# And everything stops for tea. #

Hurry up, Professor, the council
meeting is at ten o'clock!

As you can see, it will
provide a huge boost to the economy

of Pagwell - indeed, the entire area
of Upper Pagwell, Lower Pagwell,

Great Pagwell, Pagwell Green
and Pagwell-Under-Water.

Which is why I am urging you,
ladies and gentlemen,

to allow me to build...

(The model, Angelica, the model!)

..a giant munitions factory
right in the middle of town.

Yes, Pagwell shall be famous
for its munitions!

Missiles, shells, grenades
of all shapes and sizes,

bombs, bullets, bazookas,

ballistic boomerangs,

brickbats, blockbusters,

maybe even some of those Japanese
throwing star things, hmm?

Lovely, lovely munitions.

Thank you, Mr Bullimore,
for a most informative presentation.

I think we can all agree that
having a giant munitions factory

right in the middle of town
will benefit all of us

greatly and really put
Pagwell on the map.

So, all those in favour of
building a giant munitions factory

right in the middle of town,
please, raise your hands.

SNORING

What's the matter with you all?

Don't you want a giant munitions
factory right in the middle of town?

Won't it be rather... What?

Well, dirty and noisy
and, well, dangerous?

Oh, don't worry about any of that.

I've only ever had
two of my factories blow up

and demolish the entire area.

But what about hazardous waste?
Poisonous chemicals?

All that sort of thing?

All the poisonous waste will be
safely pumped into the River Pag.

Ah!

Gentlemen! This giant munitions
factory right in the middle of town

will establish Pagwell as
a leading industrial centre,

and announce your town
to the world with a BANG!

Oh, for Pete's sake!

Thank you!

Er... What, what? What's going on?

What did he say?

Mr Bullimore wants to build
a giant munitions factory

right in the middle of town.

A giant munitions factory
right in the middle of town?

Out of the question.

But this is progress, Mr Mayor.

The people of Pagwell
marching boldly into the future,

and only occasionally
being blown up.

This land was given to the
local people by Lord Pagwell

in 16...something or other
and something else.

There have never been any factories
in Pagwell and there never will be.

It is written...

FANFARE
..in the town charter,

guaranteed for all time,

that no building
taller than the church spire

shall ever be built here
in...in...in Pagwell.

I think we could at least
debate the matter.

I don't. What's next?

The vicar would like to say
a few words about his latest cause,

and then we are to rubber stamp

the closing down of Professor
Branestawm's illegal laboratory.

What's that?

Ah yes, Professor Branestawm has
an illegal workshop in his garden.

And he says he has a permit for it,
but we can find no record.

As you know, most of our
archives were destroyed

in the Great Pagwell Zoo Disaster,
when an escaped lion ate everything.

(Shame that charter wasn't
destroyed at the same time.

(Well...)

So, Branestawm says the council gave
him permission to build a factory.

I suppose you could describe it
as a factory,

but without the paperwork...

Yeah, yeah, come on, come on.
Let's get on with it.

Vicar, you're up next,
and don't be all day about it.

My dear friends,

I'd like to talk to you about
a matter of great import...

Get on with it, man!
It's nearly time for our tea break.

Yes, of course.

I'm raising money to buy
hand-knitted waistcoats

for the poor natives
of South Crashbania.

South Crashbania...

DOOR BANGS OPEN
Look sprightly, chaps.

Ah.

That's it, careful now.

Mind you don't tip it over, and
don't bash it into the doorframe,

you'll damage the whatshisname

and bend the thingamajig.
Put it on the table.

Well, if it isn't the man with the
little catapult.

Shot any sparrows lately with
that toy of yours, Dedshott?

I'll have you know, sir,

I was personally decorated
by the King for my catapult skills.

Ridiculous.

What the devil is that?

It's a self-activated camellia
sinensis infusion device,

with multiple distributive
facilities and a...

It's a tea-making machine. Ah!

It's a tea-making machine, yes.

And what exactly is that
supposed to be, Connie?

A volcano.

You are supposed to be making
fairy cakes. Not volcanoes.

I've been testing the
combustible properties

of various common
kitchen ingredients...

You've been testing my patience
is what you've been doing.

Who taught you this?

Professor Branestawm is giving me
science lessons. Is he?

That menace!

I've made complaints about him.

Listen to me.

When I was younger I wanted to be
a scientist, just like you.

Yes. And you know what happened?

The boy I loved,
the light of my life,

Arthur -
tall and strong and manly.

He turned his back on me,

just walked away and married
a photographer's model instead.

He didn't want
a scientist for a wife.

Don't make the same mistakes
I made or you will never be happy.

Now,

you will forget everything that
Professor Branestawm has taught you.

You will get rid of this monstrosity

and you will follow
the recipe properly,

like all the other
good little girls.

I wouldn't poke it like that
if I were you.

Oh, really?

No. Oh, why not?

That's why.

This is the last straw!

Connie, you are going
to regret this!

Tea is the lifeblood
of any meeting!

I knitted the tea bags myself,
many of them V-neck.

Get that thing out of here.

You are disrupting the meeting
and damaging a very valuable table.

Not so fast. I'm spitting
feathers here, Haggerstone.

It's Hackerbone, actually.

I'm dying for a cuppa.

Does this thing do cake
and biscuits as well as tea?

Of course! It will revolutionise
tea time at the town hall.

Well, let's try it out, then.

You can stand down, Vicar.

Yes, we'll, er... Whoa!

..we'll get onto the natives
of South Crashbangwallop later.

I'd recommend English Breakfast Tea.

They don't make an English
Lunch Tea for some reason.

I'll make a note of that for later.

Ah, the water's coming
nicely to the boil.

Before you interrupted us
we were about to discuss

the matter of the illegal structure
in your garden.

That's why we're here,
Mr Haggis-Head. Haggerstone!

That's what I said.

It is not an illegal structure,
it's an Inventory,

for inventing world-changing
devices like this!

Tea in the hole!

Yes, but unless you have
a written permit for the shed...

I do have a permit somewhere.
I'm quite sure of it.

I'm just not very good
at looking for things.

Well, unless you can find it,
we can't allow...

Ah.
Milk and sugar?

Please. As I was saying,
without the proper permit...

One lump or two?
Er, two. Two, please.

The, er, illegal structure
is not only an eyesore but...

That was the colonel's idea.

Bravo. Well played. Shot, sir.

Plenty of milk and four sugars
for me, please, Prof.

Ah! Splendid.

Oh!

Oh!

Without proper planning permission,

the structure cannot be
allowed to stand.

Ha! Splendid.

Ah, capital! Mmmm.

Ooh!

Ah!

Ah!

Just say "when".

When! When! When!

It's running a little fast.
I just...

Clutch in.

As I was saying...

Argh! This is intolerable!

I agree, there won't be
any left for anyone else.

I really must insist that...

MUFFLED PROTESTS

Somebody do something!

Shut it down!

I must have miscalculated
the milk-to-tea ratio.

The main switch has temporarily
come off in my hand

but I'm pleased to say I had
the foresight to fit

an override button that...

Stop it, I say!

Connie, can you fetch
my special hammer, please?

Connie? Connie?

If we don't put a stop to
Professor Branestawm

he'll destroy this whole town!

We must impound
this infernal machine,

and in the absence of any
legal permit,

I move that the professor

be forbidden to invent anything,
ever again!

All those in favour
raise their hands.

Count them, Miss Silt.

Argh!

Oh! Whoa!

Well, that went very well, I
thought, Dedshott. Very well indeed.

A few minor tweaks and adjustments,

but otherwise the machine
was a triumph.

Not so sure about that, Professor.
It nearly killed two people.

Three, actually, but we
mustn't focus on minor details.

The quality of the tea
was excellent.

Be that as it may, we shall have to
search the house from top to bottom

and side to side to find
that permit of yours,

or your inventing days
in Pagwell will be over.

Ah, dear me. Yes, I should have
to sell up and move away.

Ha! I don't remember leaving
that window open.

I'm glad I did though,
I forgot my key.

So, you reckon you keep
all your important documents

in or around this desk, here.

Yes, indeed. Yes, everything in its
place and a place for everything.

It'll be like looking for a needle
in a large pile of needles.

Where shall we start?

She said that unless I stop
seeing Professor Branestawm

she's going to expel me
from the school.

Well, I think that's perfectly
preponstrous.

The professor's not a bad influence!
(Well, only a little bit.)

If you have to leave that school,
Connie, I'd have to send you away

to Lady Tribade's Academy For
Nice Young Girls Who Like Horses.

I am NOT going there.

They wear pink uniforms.

And they don't teach science.

And I'd never see you. Well,
I can't teach you at home, Connie.

I don't know about all that stuff,
science and maths and engineering -

not like your dad.

I wish I'd known him.

You were only a tiny baby
when he died.

All I've ever known is you.

I don't want to go away, Mum.

And you won't, darling.

I'll explain to the professor
about your lessons, Connie.

No, I'll do it myself.

I'd like to see him one last time.

Oh, mercy me! Whatever has occurred?

Have you been making an explosion
again or suchlike, Professor?

I'm looking for the permit, Mrs
Flittersnoop. If I can't find it,

we shall have to sell up
and move to Lower Longbottom.

What's it look like?

It's a small town, with houses
and a medieval market square.

Not Lower Longbottom! What's your
permit look like? No idea.

It was a greenish-looking document.
I only saw it the one time.

It was on my birthday.
I remember it was my birthday

because you'd given me
my camera, Professor,

and I remember taking
a picture of you

as you came back from the council,

waving it in the air like you'd won
the pools.

Happy birthday, by the way.

Oh, thank you. It was
a couple of years ago now.

I'll have a proper look for it
and a tidy up.

You should invent
a document-finding machine.

Excellent idea. Yes.
That's more like it.

We shall need some string
and some otters.

Otters?
Not otters, no. They tend to break.

Now, wait a minute, Branestawm.

The councillor said you're not
allowed to invent anything new

until you've shown them the permit.

That's thrown
a "spaniel" in the works.

Unless, what if it wasn't me
doing the inventing?

What if it was this small...man?

Apologies, girl.

I need to talk to you about that.

I won't be having any more lessons.
But I've almost perfected

the photographic liquid we were
working on. I'm not allowed.

I'm sure you could have
one last lesson, Connie.

I won't tell anyone, if you won't.

Enter! Oh, there's nobody there!

Excellent.

Now, we add 25 millilitres
of whatchamacallit,

to 50 millilitres of whatever
on Earth this stuff is

and we're ready to give it a try.

Oh. Are you all right?
You don't seem your usual self.

I was just thinking how much
I shall miss all this,

and how much I shall miss you.

I mean, you're dangerous, you're
careless, you're forgetful,

and everything you touch seems
to break or explode... Now, listen.

I've been thinking about you,
what was your name again?

Connie. Connie! Yes.

Really? Well, Connie,

I know your father died
a long time ago,

and you've never really had
a father of your own.

You always wanted someone in your
life to do the sort of things

that a father does.
Well, yes. Hm.

Well, here I am, stuck in here,

inventing things all by myself,

and I was wondering, what could
I do about your situation?

Yes?

So I invented this.

Hello, Connie.
It's a robot father!

Shall we do some maths together?

Um, OK.

Two plus two is three.

No! Six. No! Two. No!

Four.

There you go.
How about a game of football?

How about a game of football?

How about a game of football?
Ow! Ow! Ow!

1-0 to me. To me.
Let's go fishing.

Has anyone seen my newspaper?

Let me give you a hug.

Let me give you a hug.
Ow! Get off me!

Let me give you a hug.

Professor, stop him!
Let me give you a hug. Get off me!

You make a start on the washing up,
I just need to go to the loo.

Has anyone seen my newspaper?

Let's go fishing.

Give me a hug.

I'm just going to the pub.

Do you know the cricket score?

This government is
an absolute shambles!

Has anyone seen my newspaper...?

I wonder if we'll ever see
him again.

KNOCK AT DOOR
Begging you pardon, Professor,
sorry to interrupt you and all that,

and everything else besides, but
I found this when I was tidying up.

What is it? Is it dangerous?
No, sir.

It's your photograph album that we
were looking for just the other day.

Auntie, look, you can be the first
person to see our new invention.

That's it, just a tiny amount.

Yeah, very good, I'm sure,

but I really must be getting
back to my tidying.

Wait, wait, wait, it takes time.
Look! Look!

Oo-er, it's going all lumpy, like.

Oh, my.

Try one.

They're a little...papery-tasting.

Better try another. It's like
eating a chocolate in a dream,

a chocolate that's not there at all
but seems to be.

It's a pity that it costs more
to make the liquid than it would

to buy the chocolates.
You don't say.

And the things it brings to life
will go back as they were

once the liquid has dried off,

unless they're all eaten first.
It really is a marvel.

I certainly couldn't have done it
without the help of this

clever little leprechaun.

I rather think you should
be getting home, Connie,

before anyone finds out about this.
I suppose so.

Get in, Haggerstone.

Erm, I'm quite happy walking,
thank you, Mr Bullimore.

Oh, do shut up and get in.

That was a shambles earlier,
Haggerstone.

You assured me you could swing
the vote my way.

It's that blasted charter.

We can't do anything in this town
as long as it exists.

I have a vision of
a dynamic, modern Pagwell,

with factories and car parks,

roundabouts, hundreds of them,
festooned with traffic lights,

a ring road,

two ring roads!

And shopping centres,
miles out of town...

Bollards. Sorry?

You must have bollards.
I love bollards.

Yes, and an army of traffic wardens.

Oh, put a sock in it, Haggerstone.

All I'm interested in
is making lots of money.

Together, I think
we can both achieve what we want -

you want Branestawm out of town,

and I want to build a huge great
dangerous munitions factory.

Yes.

What if I were to tell you that
Branestawm did have a permit

that allowed him to build
a workshop in his garden?

That would be annoying.

I was rather hoping he was going to
sell his house and move away.

Then prepare to be annoyed.

But I can make
this document disappear.

And Branestawm,
if he wants to carry on inventing,

will have to move elsewhere,
allowing me to buy his house.

The perfect site on which to
build a giant munitions factory.

Provided we have a permit to build.

I wouldn't want to do anything
illegal, Mr Bullimore.

Get out! Argh!

Wait! Wait!

Demolish his workshop, get rid of
Branestawm and I can start building.

It would have to be a very small
factory, no taller than the church,

which has one of the shortest
spires in England.

As long as that blessed
charter exists

I can't see anything ever happening
in Pagwell. You leave that to me.

Drive, Norman, drive.

How about a game of football?

Whoa!

RADIO: 'Very good ladies.
Now really lift those knees.

'Lift and stretch
and lift and stretch...'

DOOR OPENS

'Lift and stretch and lift...'

How did it go, dear?
All right.

'That's it.
Now, running on the spot.

'Run, and run, and run,
and run, and run. That's it!'

Mum? Yes, lovey?

Were you in love with Dad?

Oh, what a funny question.
Of course I was.

Why ever would you ask such a thing?

It didn't matter to you
that he was a bus driver?

No, lovey, not one bit.
He was a lovely man,

that's all that mattered to me.
And he didn't mind what you did?

No, lovey. I was working
in a fishmonger's when we met,

I stank of halibut and hake.

But he didn't mind, not one bit.

When two people love each other it
doesn't matter what you smell like.

I thought so.
He looks nice in the photographs.

Oh, he was lovely.

A photograph! That's it,
there might be a photograph!

What?

Connie, wait!

Delicious, Mrs Flittersnoop, did
you knit the tea bags yourself?

They're from the corner shop.

The colonel took a photograph
on his birthday

you with your permit. Maybe there's
a picture of you in the album.

Connie, what are you doing?
What? What?

Oh, I'm sorry, she just came running
over here, I couldn't stop her.

There might be photograph of you
with your permit in the album.

That will be proof.

Great Scott and all his penguins!

She's right!

So, you're quite clear
what needs to be done?

I think so.

"I think so" isn't good enough,
Angelica. Are you quite sure?

I think so.
Stop saying, "I think so".

What do you want me to say?

Just say yes, you infuriating
little damp tissue of a woman.

Yes. Yes, what?

Yes, I think so. Argh!
Whatever you say, darling.

Give me strength. Repeat after me.

"I need to make it look like
Branestawm's tea-making machine

"started a fire and accidentally
destroyed the pesky Pagwell charter,

"thus cooking Branestawm's goose
once and for all

"and allowing me to buy his
house and build a factory on it."

Erm, I need to make it look like
Branestawm's tea-making machine

has, erm...

made tea and...

cooked a goose... No!

No, no, no, no, no. Oooh!

Oh, you're confusing me.

Right, we'll start again.
Listen very carefully.

Ha, ha. There's one of me as a baby.

And there's one of Mrs Flittersnoop
on her way to a fancy dress party,

as Atilla The Hun, I do believe.
Little Bo Peep.

Exactly.
Oh, there's another one of her.

Out of focus, I'm afraid.

Oh, and that one's
not much better either.

Only half of PC Peasey
made it into shot.

You're going to be amazed
and confounded, Aggie,

let's find a good picture.

And who's this? I recognise her.

Ah, Mrs Flittersnoop,
do you recognise these young lovers?

Oh, that's your teacher,
Connie, Miss Blitherington.

As I remember, she had a terrific
crush on that young man.

Wasn't she pretty? She was.

Will this one do?
Oh, let me see.

Oh, you just watch this, Aggie.
The cat will come to life. Ooh!

I do hope it's not
a scratchy sort of one.

It quite likely is,
I'm afraid, Aggie.

Most of the professor's books
are about wildish sort of animals.

Ah, now what's this?

Oh!

What's it doing? Why's it
meowing over and over like that?

I don't like it, it's not natural.

It must have been meowing
when the photograph was taken

and now it can't stop. Interesting.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, dear, I must have squirted
too much liquid on

and it's soaked through to
the picture underneath.

Oh, what shall we do?

Oh! This is giving me
the heebie-jeebies, so it is!

Halt! Stop that cat.
Come on, Connie!

Not to mention the screaming
ab-dabs! Oh, my shredded nerves!

Come along, let's go back
to yours and have some tea.

I can't take all this kerfuffle!
Oh! Oh! Oh!

MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!
MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!

MEOW!

Interesting, very interesting.

It must have dried out and
gone back to being a photograph.

Don't take it for a moment,
I've got the sun in my eyes.

Don't take it for a moment,
I've got the sun in my eyes.

Good after...noon.

Don't take it for a moment,
I've got the sun in my eyes.

Ah.

I got my results, Mother,
it's a first.

I got my results, Mother,
it's a first.

Hurry up and take it,
I must go in and get tea.

Hurry up and take it,
I must go in and get tea.

Hadn't I better take
my hat off first? What's going on?

The liquid must have spilled onto
the photograph album.

They're all saying whatever
they happened to be saying

when the picture was taken.
How will my uniform come out?

I say, what a ripping camera,
Just what I want for my birthday.

I say, what a ripping camera,
just what I want for my birthday.

Baby want petty things.
Baby want petty things.

Terrible, terrible!
Pass along, pl... Pass along, pl...

Oh, dear, what if I get mixed up
with all these

come-to-life-photo sort of people
and forget which is really me,

and then dry out
and become a photograph?

That couldn't happen. That couldn't
happen, of course not, no.

EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE

LIGHTER STRIKES

Oh!

I say, Professor, any luck
finding that permit, old chap?

Hold it perfectly still
while you press the lever.

What? Hold it perfectly still
while you press the lever.

Hold it perfectly still while
you press the lever.

I heard you the first time,
dear fellow.

Not sure I'm quite following you,
but that's nothing new.

Oh, ploof wiff a woogle!

Yes, indeed.

I've had my results,
Mother, it's a first.

I've had my results, Mother, it's
a first. Most peculiar.

How will my uniform come out?
How will my uniform come out?

What's this? Imposter!

Scoundrel! That's not me at all.

I'm me here! Imposter, I say!
Wait till I catch you.

Police! Police!

Pass along, pl...
Pass along, pl... Pass along, pl...

How will my uniform come out?
How will my uniform come out?

Are you sure
I don't look stupid in this?

Are you sure I don't look
stupid in this?

Are you sure
I don't look stupid in this?

How will my uniform come out?

Hold it perfectly still
while you press the lever.

How will my uniform come out?

You again! Only you're not you,
are you? You're another imposter.

What have you done with
the real professor?

You don't fool me for one moment.
You're just another photograph.

Who are you calling a snapshot,
you rotter? Hm,

you're having a proper conversation
with lots of words in it -

maybe it's me that's the photograph,
not you. That's awkward.

You're talking like the real
professor - in gibberish.

So that means you're
the real Colonel Dedshott?

And you must be the real Branestawm.
What's going on, Prof?

Don't take it for a moment,
I've got the sun in my eyes.

Don't take it for a moment,
I've got the sun in my eyes.

But I love you, Arthur.
And I cannot love you, Verity,

as long as you persist with your
silly idea of becoming a scientist.

You beast! If you really loved her,
it wouldn't matter!

But I love you, Arthur.
And I cannot love you, Verity,

as long as you persist with your
silly idea of becoming a scientist.

Hurry up and take it,
I must go in and get tea.

Had I better take my hat off first?

Hurry up and take it,
I must go in and get tea.

Until the liquid dries out, these
come-to-life-photo sort of people

are going to run amok!
I understand. Except I don't.

My head is going round
and round as usual.

Look, Colonel, I have the permit,
I can build my Inventory after all!

Professor!
The drying time depends...

Professor, Colonel, I found the
photograph of you with the permit.

Look, Colonel! I have the permit,
I can build my Inventory after all!

What? What?

We must catch it before it
dries out and blows away!

Stop that photograph!

Catch him!

Halt!

..I can build my Inventory
after all!

Stop!

Come back!

..I have the permit, I can
build my Inventory after all.

Stop!

Are you sure
I don't look stupid in this?

THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE

Connie, what are you doing?

Stop it!

And don't run in public.

Look!

..as long as you persist with your
silly idea of becoming a scientist.

But I love you, Arthur.

And I cannot love you, Verity,

as long as you persist with your
silly idea of becoming a scientist.

Arthur?
But I love you, Arthur.

And I cannot love you, Verity,

as long as you persist
with your silly...

POP!

Pass along, pl... Pass along, pl...

Pass along, pl... Pass along, pl...

Look, Colonel, I have the permit,
I can build my Inventory after all!

Look, Colonel, I have the permit,
I can build my Inventory after all!

I've got it!
Proof you had the permit!

See, he was allowed to
build his Inventory.

Never mind that, can't you see?
The town hall is on fire!

It's Branestawm's infernal
tea-making machine.

It must have gone wrong
and started a blaze!

Yes! That must be it!

We should never have
left it in there.

This is the last straw, Branestawm.
You've had it.

If your machine burns down
my lovely town hall

I will personally run you
out of town, Branestawm!

Has anyone seen my wife?

But it wasn't switched on.
Curious.

FIRE BELLS RING

MODEL PEOPLE SCREAM

The machine will still be
full of milk and tea.

I wonder if there's a way
we can switch it on from here?

Hmm. I may not be clever,

in fact I'm positively stupid,

I may not know about
sums and algebra,

in fact I don't even know what
algebra is... Is it a country?

..but I am the greatest
catapult shot in England.

Oh, put that silly thing away.

Stand back, Hogwash-toad!

Window, light, mirror,

vase, switch.

Here goes!

CROWD APPLAUDS AND CHEERS

It may be an 'opeless
tea-making machine,

but it's an excellent
fire-putting-out machine.

Well, I always intended
a dual purpose.

I just wasn't sure
what the other one was.

Branestawm is the hero of the day.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You useless, rotten, feeble,

rotten excuse for a woman.

Can't you ever get anything right?

I should never have married you.

I'm sorry, Arthur, I tried.
I really tried.

I did my best.

And your best just wasn't
good enough, was it?

Arthur?

Verity!

You see, Angelica?

This, this is the woman
I should have married.

She's strong, intelligent

and she wouldn't keep
mucking everything up.

Well, quite frankly, Arthur,

I'm glad I didn't marry you.

The way you've turned out.

You're a rotter!

I should have done this
a long time ago.

CROWD GASPS

You were right all along, Connie.

See, there is proof, you silly man.

A photograph is not evidence,
my dear.

No, but this is!

Here, this belongs to you.

Yes! It's the real permit.

Hmph!

I don't care about this
piece of paper.

If you have saved
my lovely town hall

I personally give you permission
to carry on inventing

here in Pagwell
for as long as you like!

CROWD CHEERS

Let me give you a hug!

Hello, I wonder if I might
talk to you about my scheme to send

hand-knitted waistcoats to the
citizens of South Crashbania...

What is that thing?
Do you have a licence for it?

How about a game of football?
Ow! Ow! Ow! Get it off me!

1-0 to me.

LAUGHTER

Leave me alone! Stop it, you...!

Now, I must get back
to my Inventory,

I'm positively buzzing with
ideas for new inventions...

A camera that's also a telephone,
a book that reads itself,

elasticated spaghetti,

unbreakable otters, singing toast,

a voice-activated picnic hamper,

loom bands... Oooh!

Ow, what are you doing?
Leave me alone!

How about a game of football?

Will you stop kicking me!

Stop kicking me!

Right, ladies,

time for your first science lesson,

and we're going to start with
a very important experiment.

We are going to make...

..an explosion!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BOOM!

HE CHUCKLES