All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S23E15.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things
that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

♪ He's a family guy! ♪

So, thanks to AI,
here's a picture

of what JonBenet Ramsey would
look like in a bikini today.

Wowza.

But first, would you like to
spend the rest of your life alone?

Would you like your last meal
to be a handful of red dirt?

Well, a local firm
here in Quahog

is now accepting applications

to take a one-direction
trip to Mars.

-Huh?
-"One direction,"

as in, you stay there forever,

not as in the band.

The mission is being supported

by the Quahog Engineering
and Scientific Organization,

or QuESO.

-Que?
-That's QuESO,

the organization, not
the Mexican cheese dip.

Mom. Guess what?

No, Meg.

I got us two tickets
to laser Dua Lipa.

All of Dua Lipa's hits

synced up to a bunch of red
and green laser doodles.

It's three hours.

We'll be stone-cold sober,

and it's in the
middle of the day.

Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie,
but I'm busy that day.

I haven't said
what day it is yet.

Weekends are just really
tough for me right now.

It's on a Tuesday.

Oh, yeah, you know what?

Tuesdays are just
impossible. Wednesdays too.

And then, Thursday
through Monday,

I'm pretty much just
prepping for Tuesday.

I'm sorry, honey.
Maybe next time.

And the cast of
Suits, then and now.

Ah, look at that.

Yeah. Slight difference.

What's your cheapest
morning-after pill?

It's called Plan C.

Nice. I get it.

Let me get that gift-wrapped.

Whoa! Who is this
tall drink of water?

I, uh... I like your horn.

Is that okay to say?

Oh, well, thank you. I
do try to moisturize.

-Come on, Stewie, let's...
-Brian.

Leave the aisle
and then come back

and ask for my autograph.

So, what part of
Q-town are you from?

Oh, very hip. Right by
that Thai fusion speakeasy

that used to be a
needle exchange.

-I love it over there.
-Uh, excuse me, sir.

-May I have your auto...
-Not now.

I'm in a conversation.
Wait for me outside.

Wait. No way.

Both of you guys are dryer safe?

Guys, are you feeling this?

Rupert, I just knew
you two would vibe

the way we vibed
at the drugstore.

And that never happens to me.

Guys. Is this...

Are we a... a throuple?

Oh, hey, Brian, you remember
Made In from the pharmacy.

-Made In?
-Yeah. See?

Yeah, I don't think
that's a name.

I think that's just
the words "made in"

with a sticker over
the word "China."

Well, that's the name.

And they, that's right,

"they" are living with
me and Rupert now.

Great, Stewie. Have
fun with your toys.

I'm gonna go binge-surf
Hinge in a dark room.

Don't listen to him. He
doesn't accept you, Made In.

I accept you.

No, we accept you.

All right, who wants
to get throup'd first?

-Oh, hey, Meg.
-Hey, Mr. Quagmire.

So there's this Dua Lipa show.

-Oh, uh, no.
-I've got two tickets,

and I was wondering if...

-No.
-...you would want to go with me.

-It's this synchronized light show.
-Stop asking.

-Honestly, it's high-tech.
-I can't think of anything worse.

-You get to socialize...
-Read my body language.

-...with other fans at intermission.
-Hear what I'm saying.

-Meg. Meg. Meg.
-What do you say?

Look me in the eye.
The answer is no.

But you always say "no"
is just a spicy "yes."

Stop telling
people I said that!

-You want to go with me?
-Meg, no.

-It's this synchronized light show.
-Stop asking.

-It's high-tech.
-I can't think of anything worse.

-You get to socialize...
-Read my body language.

-...with other fans at intermission.
-Hear what I'm saying.

-What do you say?
-Look me in the eye. The answer is no.

But you always say "no"
is just a spicy "yes."

Stop telling
people I said that!

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Dua
Lipa's... outline.

Unfortunately, due to
a technical glitch,

or an Eric, as we're
calling them around here,

we're unable to play the music,

and will instead be playing

the audio book of
The Joy Luck Club,

as read by Howard Stern.

"Feathers from a
Thousand Li Away."

God, this is so hot.

I'm telling you, I go nuts
for these Chinese babes.

Mom? What are you doing here?

I thought you were busy.

I'm sorry. There
was a Groupon.

The moment it was $4 cheaper,
I was powerless to say no.

"And she saw how
quickly their eyes moved

"when she told them her
idea for the Joy Luck Club."

Hey, she said the name of
the thing in the thing.

I love that.

♪ It's a god-awful
small affair ♪

♪ To the girl with
the mousy hair ♪

♪ But her mummy
is yelling "No" ♪

♪ And her daddy has
told her to go ♪

♪ Take a look at the lawman
beating up the wrong guy ♪

♪ Oh, man Wonder if
he'll ever know ♪

♪ He's in the
best-selling show ♪

♪ Is there life on Mars? ♪

Shut up, Meg.

But, Meg, why on earth would
you want to go to Mars?

I made up my mind, and
this is what I want.

You know what,
Meg? You're right.

This will be good for you.

And if you're chosen,
we'll miss you,

but you'll have our support.

Oh. Wow, thanks, Mom.

I appreciate that.

You see what I
did there, Peter?

That is some next-level
jujitsu parenting right there.

Oh, yeah, I get what
you're going for.

Get rid of Meg, get some hot
exchange student from Sweden.

Me and her, we flirt a little,
we get something going.

And then one thing
leads to another.

I cross a line,
next thing you know,

we're all walking on eggshells.

Her dad calls from Sweden,

I can't understand
a word he's saying.

He's either really
happy or really mad.

No, Peter, listen.

Meg's just rebelling
for attention.

I used to do the same thing.

I once felt Ted
Turner over the pants

-right in front of my dad.
-Very relatable.

But what I learned
about parenting

from the the jacket
of a book I didn't buy

is that when your child rebels,

you can't push back or
they'll double down.

You just stay supportive,

let them learn
their own lessons,

and they'll come crawling
back to you in the end.

How is that different
than what I said?

Plus, every lonely
incel in the country

is applying to this thing.

She'll never be chosen.

How could you possibly have
any energy this morning?

You're right. Time to
greet this glorious day.

First, we'll grab
avocado toast at Simone's

and then leisurely flip
through the West Elm catalog

and circle everything we hate.

What do you say?

Shall we take our
breakfast on the balcony?

When you're in a throuple,
whatever house you're in

automatically grows
a Juliet balcony

to lean against in
your robe and boxers

with a hot flavored
coffee and just sigh.

Ahh!

Welcome, recruits.

My name is Sergeant
Bensinger, retired.

I drank lots of
water at Camp Lejeune

and am now financially
independent.

To start things off, I'm
gonna say this one more time.

This is about a
one-direction trip to Mars

and not about the pop
band One Direction.

Come on, man!

Now then, this will be
a cutthroat, exhaustive

and highly competitive
selection process.

We're not just
looking for the best

or the best of the best.

We're looking for the best
of the best of the best.

Of the best.

Ah, crud!

If only he'd stopped
at the previous "best."

All right, trainees.

It's very important to
have a cool thing to say

the minute you set foot on Mars.

Meg, we'll start with you.

Did I do that?

Not bad.

We would also have
accepted, "Whassup?"

Okay, trainees, as
you may remember

from the movie The Right Stuff,

we'll need to collect a semen
sample from each of you.

-But I...
-No exceptions.

Figure it out.

Well, somehow, you did it.
Everyone come back tomorrow,

you start the real training
with the real guy. Bye!

The Martian environment is completely
cold, harsh and inhospitable.

To train you to survive,

we found a similar environment.

An abandoned Bed, Bath & Beyond.

Anyway, as long as we're here,

feel free to just take
whatever you want.

I don't really want anything.

That was kind of
the whole problem.

Since there's no Wi-Fi on Mars,

we're gonna send you
up there with a VCR

and you get to choose one tape.

Ah, yes.

Sidney Poitier and Tom Berenger

in Shoot to Kill.

A crackling tale of survival
in the Pacific Northwest.

One man out for the law,
one man out for revenge.

Letterboxed? Please.

I'm a pan-and-scan gal.

Arthur Penn's Target.

Starring Matt Dillon and a
career-best Gene Hackman.

The game of espionage is
played by a strict code.

But that code has been broken.

Running time, 117 minutes.

This has tape two
of Titanic in it.

Oh, sorry about that.

Someone must have
pulled an Eric.

Learn to love again with
Under the Tuscan Sun,

featuring Diane
Lane and Sandra Oh

at the tippy-top of her game.

When life gives
divorcee Frances lemons,

she's off to Italy to make
a Tuscan villa lemonade.

Rated PG-13 for sensual
kissing and partial nudity.

Can't I just bring my
laptop up there with me?

No!

Because then, I wouldn't
have a job, stupid.

You know what? Give
me the tape back.

You don't get a tape.

Ooh, look at that one.

Well, I know it's small,
but this is Provincetown

on a July 4th weekend, Made In.

Beggars can't be choosers.

Hey, Stewie, you
want to get lunch?

Give us a few minutes to
washcloth our parts, Brian.

-We had a long night.
-Whatever.

Oh, God! I can't breathe.

This is fine. This is okay.

As long as the throuple
balcony is strong,

the throuple is strong.

Other deviant sex
groups get these too.

This is my one-ple balcony.

You know, you really showed us
by signing up for this, Meg.

And no matter what
happens, just remember.

You've definitely
proved your point.

You see that?

Yeah. That microphone's
totally unguarded.

I'm gonna do my Michelle
Obama impression.

Ladies and gentlemen,

thank you for joining us today.

Eh, I'll do it at intermission.

We have decided who
is going to Mars.

You are all worthy candidates.

But just like the box for Thorn
EMI Screen Entertainment's

Highlander says,

"There can be only one."

And the winner is...

Seamus!

Well, honey, I'm glad you
got this out of your system.

And to think I never
pushed back once.

Good thing you've
got a great mom, huh?

Poet laureate Robert
Pinsky once said,

"When I had no roof, I
made audacity my roof."

It is truly an honor.

Whoa! Wait a minute.

Are those your arms and legs?

Oh, man!

I guess I wasn't really
paying attention.

The winner is Meg!

She won?

Mom, I did it.
I'm going to Mars.

Barack hasn't
satisfied me in years.

That's your impression?

It's less a voice and more...
It's like an attitude.

Meg, you can't go to Mars.

You can't talk me out
of this, Mom. I'm going.

Well, as your parents, we
forbid it. Right, Peter?

Lois, kids go to Mars.
That's what they do.

Hey, Meg, congrats on this
Mars thing. Great stuff.

Hey, listen, if I
give you this bone,

could you maybe bury
it for me up there?

That would... Yeah.

That would just be huge for me.

Oh, honey, you've still got
your whole life ahead of you.

I'm a hero now, Mom.
I have a purpose.

When that rocket
takes off next week,

I'm gonna be on it.

Well, if Meg can go to Mars,

can I go to the Pornhub Awards?

Still no, Chris.

I'm going to kill myself!

We're good parents.

Look, we all understood

that there would be some
bumps along the way, right?

When you're in a
three-way relationship,

there will inevitably be times

where two sides gravitate
towards each other.

Right now, it's
Rupert and Made In.

Eventually, it'll be
Stewie and Made In.

And then Rupert,
you're gonna feel like

the lonely left out
piece of no one wants.

Well, cheers, everyone.

Oh. Why are you laughing?

I don't get it.

Oh, it's an inside joke.

Oh. You two have
a... an inside joke.

Well, I know a
million jokes too.

Why did the old man
fall in the well?

Because he couldn't
see that well.

Ha-ha! Right? Inside joke.

Now, everybody agree?

I'm sexually desirable too.

Wow, there she is.

It's the girl who's
going to Mars.

I saw her in the parking lot,
but I could get excited again.

Meg, will you please join
us in the women's bathroom?

In honor of your sacrifice,
we hereby rename this stall

the Meg Griffin Memorial
Handicap Bathroom Stall.

This is literally what I've
asked Santa for my entire life.

Ew! What?

I was trapped in by the ribbon.

Yeah, it's always
something with you guys.

Hey, Brian, I got
something for you.

What? I thought you
liked that thing.

It turns out we had some
irreconcilable differences.

See, I'm a Taurus,

and they're a
home-wrecking slut.

Stewie, I have absolutely
zero interest in your $6 toy.

Hey there, Rupert.
Hey, you know what?

Let's have our
lunch by the window.

There's something
I'd like you to see.

You see?

You did this, Rupert. You did.

You humiliated me, and
this is what happens.

You do not play games with me.

But, to be clear, I'm
still a free spirit.

Super chill, super open,
super down for whatever.

Hey, Meg? We're
all gonna miss you.

And if you could pour
this bag of urine

on top of wherever
you bury Brian's bone,

that'd be huge for me.

I'm really gonna
miss you too, Meg.

-Really?
-Well, yeah.

Worrying about the sound my
headboard makes against the wall

is a big part of it for me.

I'll miss that tension.

It's part of my scenario.

That's really sweet, Chris.

Wow.

Now, I'm actually feeling
kind of sad to leave you guys.

Yeah. Too bad you
can't back out now.

You'd be widely hated,
and deservedly so.

Tom Tucker, live here
from Cape Quahog,

where local resident Meg Griffin

is about to become the first
person ever to go to Mars.

Truly, a historic moment,
which we will now celebrate

with a small but affordable clip

of Europe's The Final Countdown.

Meg's only companion
for the flight

will be a year's supply of food.

And because she's a woman,
her pillow from home.

Oh, my God. She
doesn't want to go.

We gotta call off the launch.

Prepare launch sequence.

Wait! Stop!

No.

No? But...

But that's my daughter in there.

Yeah. We can't just stop

every time a mom bursts in here.

You think Neil Armstrong's mom

didn't burst in and
say, "Wait, stop"?

They always say "Wait, stop!"

Initiate countdown.

And it looks like it's time

for the cryptcoin.com
countdown.

And now, it is no longer
the cryptcoin.com countdown.

Anyway. Ten, nine...

Oh, man.

I hope I'm making
the right decision.

What am I talking
about? Of course I am.

Mom didn't even
bother to see me off,

much less say, "Wait, stop!"

like Neil Armstrong's mom.

Wait! Stop!

Mom?

Nobody shoots my
baby into space!

Mom, what are you doing?

This is super dangerous.

Oh, don't worry, Meg.

They'll never shoot off a rocket

with a woman
holding on to the...

Oh...

And we have liftoff.

Oh, my God! Is that Lois?

Mom's gone. Dad, can I
go to the Pornhub Awards?

Yeah, sure, Stewie.

Just hold on.

Channel Tom Cruise at
his most mentally ill.

Why are we turning?

Mom, we're going down!

Oh, God, oh, God! I
can't die like this.

I never finished The Wire.

I never started The Wire.

And here it comes,

the horrifying crash we were
all secretly hoping for.

Oh, my God!

She's got the car keys.

I'm sorry you won't
get to go to Mars.

Well, I'm just glad we got
lucky and the rocket crashed.

Luck had nothing
to do with it.

Hey, we're saved.

It was the mom that
caused the crash.

You can't suddenly
add 145 pounds

to a carefully calibrated
propulsion system.

A hundred forty-five? No!

I'm only 128.

No, we tested 128.
We could handle 128.

One twenty-eight and the
rocket's in space right now.

Okay, maybe 130 with shoes on.

But I'd know if I was 145.

Oh, I wonder who I believe more.

A mom with no job or
six nerds from MIT.

Hmm.

I think I'll go with the nerds.

So funny.

So good. Okay. Okay.

Anyway, get in this basket.

See? That's exactly what
we were talking about.

One twenty-eight and
we're back on dry land.

But maybe it's because I
have stuff in my pocket.

It's definitely not the stuff.

We'll go get the
livestock crate.