All language subtitles for The.Wedding.Planner.2001.WEBRip.Amazon

(POP SONG PLAYING)

You may now kiss the bride.

From now on,
he'll take care of you

and you'll take care of him.

He'll make you
big baloney sandwiches

and you'll buy him
new socks
and a white briefcase.

And you'll live
happily ever after.

You're the luckiest girl
in the world, Barbie.

The luckiest girl
in the world.

You are the luckiest girl
in the world.

When I did
Whitney Houston's wedding,

she was even more nervous
than you.

And you look ten times better
than she did.

No, I don't.

This isn't gonna work.

I'm fat!

And I'm gonna
marry the wrong guy.

Look at me.

You are exquisite.

You're timeless.

You're the envy of your future
sister-in-law Janice,

whom I overheard say
at the last gown fitting,
"Look at those thighs.

"I'd kill for Tracy's thighs."

But you have more
than great thighs.

You have the love
of a man named Tom.

A man who, when he walked
into rehearsal dinner
the other day

said, "I can't believe
she picked me.

"I can't believe I'm marrying
the most beautiful woman
I've ever seen."

That tells me
that this marriage of yours
is not only gonna work,

it's gonna last forever.

Thank you.

Oh, Mom, come here.

Excuse me.

Hey, what are you doing?

(CHUCKLES)

Thank you!

Keep to areas A, B and E.
I don't want any interference

I know who you're looking for.
They're right downstairs.

-Father, where are you going?
-Nature calls.

You must call back later.
We're about to start.

Let's go. Inside.

MAN: Good morning.

-WOMAN: Hello, Mary.
-Hi.

Penny, stop flirting.
We're going in one.

Penny, go to M-12.
We have a Dark Tower
choking the AV.

Hello!

Hi, ma'am.
You're in the preferred
seating list.

-If you'll just follow me.
-Bye.

There we go.

Enjoy the wedding
from way back here.

Dark Tower demolished.

All right. Places, everyone.

Todd, cut the fill lights.

Maestro, on three.

Excuse me, Mary.
We can't find
the father of the bride.

That's okay. I got it.
Penny, send over the FOB.

I did, 15 minutes ago.

Cover me up north.
The FOB is MIA.

(WHISPERING) Oh, no, no, no.
Count to 100
and start again, okay?

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(WHISPERING)
Father, you're gonna
have to hold it.

Good.

-(INDISTINCT TALKING)
-(GLASSES CLINKING)

Hey, guys, we're on.
Tom, come on,
put your jackets on.

MAN: Hickory, dickory, dock.
The mouse ran up the clock.

I have a 20 on the FOB.

My little girl's
getting married today.

I remember her graduation
from nursery school,

when she was a little girl.

(CRYING)

I remember

like it was yesterday.

-Who are you?
-I'm the wedding planner.

(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)

(SNIFFLES)

(WHISPERING) Look,
there's the wedding planner.

(SIGHS)

She must lead
such a romantic life.

(POP SONG PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT)

"Earwax."

"X" on a double letter.
"A" on a triple word.

Seventy-two points.

No, I challenge you.
"Ear wax" is two words.

-It's one.
-You're bluffing.

"Munch." Sixteen points.

Sixteen.

Maria, I know
I'm a pain in the neck.
I just want you to be happy.

And I'm gonna say something
that you may be
a little resistant to,

but sometimes
a father has to take action.

What are you talking about?

I found you a man
who has agreed to
marry you.

WOMAN: Oh, my God!

If her mother was alive,

and she heard that,
she'd wish she was dead.

"Shaft." Twenty-two points.

Anyway, you know him.
Remember Massimo?

No. Who?

Massimo Lenzetta,
the little boy you played with
the summer we were in Italy?

-The kid who ate mud?
-Ah! That's the one!

I bumped into him
on New Arrivals Night
at the Sicilian Association.

(GASPS)

Why, this is the most
wonderful day of my life!

A man of my very own!

-You must bring me
to him at once.
-No need.

-He's here?
-Yeah.

-He's here? He's here?
-Massimo.

-No, he didn't.
-Oh, my God.

-Oh, my God.
-(GASPS)

Maria.

You remember Massimo?

Oh! That mud did him good.

The last time I see you,
you were
scrawny and ugly,

and your head was too big
for your body.

How nice. Thank you.

Prego.
You're welcome.

I look forward
to our life together.

I want three sons
and a garden of
tomatoes.

Okay then.

Tomatoes? Tomatoes?

(STUTTERING) Maria, wait.
Maria!

-Hi.
-Good morning.

Good morning.
The paper, and I'm gonna
take that Yahoo! too.

4.50.

-Keep it.
-Thanks.

-See ya.
-Bye.

-Hi, Mary.
-Hi.

-You look all excited.
-I am.

-Mary, I need...
-Can you take it, please?

Francine Donolly.

Her family started selling
gourmet sausages out of
their working-class kitchen.

-Yeah?
-Now today,
five years later,

they're one of the biggest
Internet food specialty
companies in America.

Uh-uh-uh. Pierre, I love you,
but if you use another
carnation in my bouquet,

I will deport you.

-Thank you so much.
-Geri.

They put
her wedding announcement in
the society pages. Why?

Because they want
their new money to be
taken very seriously.

Sheila!
Book the Gazebo Package
for the Belettis, okay?

Take this ugly flower.

Oh, and call Davis and
tell him we need a rush order
on the chuppah rental.

-Thank you.
-Geri. Geri.

-What the hell is this?
-Sunless tanning cream.

Wedding's tomorrow.
You do the math.

Stop crying.

Quarter cup of lemon juice,
half a cup of salt
and a loofah sponge.

-Really?
-Scrub, scrub, scrub. Okay?

Look, they see this
as their ticket
into the club, okay.

They wanna make it
a social event, the party
everybody talks about.

Oh, thank you, Sheila.

I already made contact.
They're coming to the Copeland
wedding to see my work.

I'm gonna
nail this account, Geri.

We'll be
in every major bridal magazine
in the country.

-It'll be
our biggest event ever.
-Good.

When I pull it off,
you're gonna
make me a partner.

-A partner?
-Yes.

A partner.

Okay, you are fantastic.

Really, you're incredible.

Very good work,
but let me tell you
something.

I built this business
on my back.

I sweat, I toiled.

I did things a little,
innocent wedding planner
shouldn't even hear about.

Shh. I won't even say it.
Oaky.

I made the big plans, okay?
I made the sacrifices.

You also
never made any money.

Wow!

Until I came along.

Look, I've been here
for five years, Geri.

I bring in more revenue
than all of your other
wedding planners combined.

-That's great.
-Times five!

-You need me.
-(EXCLAIMS DISMISSIVELY)

-You know you need me.
-(STUTTERS)

-I know you know
that you need me.
-I don't know that.

You know,
maybe I should just start
my own company.

You wouldn't dare.

Of course. If I nailed
the Donolly account and
you made me a partner,

you'd save me
the trouble of designing
my own letterhead.

Let me see.
What font would I use?

-You're gonna be a partner!
-I gotta get
the account first.

Oh, please, Mary,
you're totally gonna
get the account.

The Greenburg marriage
lasted one year, two months.
You win the pot again.

How do you do it?
I was more than
four years off.

I Honestly Love You
by Olivia Newton-John
was their wedding song.

Puts them
in the 14-month divorce range.

Speaking of honest love,
Jed was asking
about you again.

I don't trust a man
who gets regular pedicures.

-Mary, you haven't
had a date in two years.
-Your point?

My point is
if you're not interested
in Jed,

there is a handsome
Italian man waiting
to marry you in the lobby.

Oh, my God! Hide me.
Did you talk to him?

Just for a few minutes.
He is so adorable.

-He's not adorable.
-How can you say that?

When we were kids,
he followed me for a summer
asking me if I had a vagina.

I think that's adorable.

-I gotta get out of here.
-Great.

-Grab that side.
-I really don't think you
should hold that against him.

-(MARY SHUSHING)
-You should give him a chance.
He was a little boy.

Maybe he wanted
to be a doctor.
Besides, you do have a vagina.

Hello.

My, this is hard
to push all by myself.

May you have
enough happiness
to keep you sweet,

enough trials
to keep you strong,

enough hope
to keep you happy...

Enough friends
to give you comfort.

...enough friends
to give you comfort...

-Enough determination...
-...and enough
determination...

-...to make each day
a better day...
-...to make each day...

-...a better day...
-...than yesterday.

-...than yesterday.
-Now, raise your glass.

Congratulations, you guys.
I love you both. Whoo!

(GUESTS APPLAUDING)

What? You think
Kissinger came up
with his own stuff?

You just fed
the best man his speech.

Smooth. Real smooth.

You must be Francine.
I saw your article in Yahoo!

-It's very impressive.
-God, I hate that picture.

It made me look
like a psychotic poodle.

My fiance has got to see this.

He will just die.

-He should be here by now.
-Most grooms are NIDs.

"Not Into Details."

That's Eddie, all right.

-I want you to
meet my parents.
-Okay.

Thanks, doll. That rocked.

-Mary, meet my parents,
Kitty and Jack.
-Hi.

-How do you do?
-So nice to meet you.

-Dad, are you eating the food?
-Mm-hmm.

Champagne is delightful.
Cristal? D.P.?

-Actually, it's Taittinger.
-Oh, exquisite.

Mother, we're not guests.
You're not supposed to be
drinking the champagne.

You give my little girl
whatever she wants,
no expense spared.

Yes. I'll be faxing you
a list of the songs I'll be
performing at the reception.

And none of those
mini egg rolls.

We've got a lot of
important people coming.

-We've got
an impression to make.
-We haven't hired her yet.

And as previously
discussed in detail,

you won't be singing
at the wedding.

I'm sorry, Mary. Hi.

The belly dancer's here,
and she has
a tattoo of an extremely...

It's okay.
Penny, I want you to
meet the Donollys.

-This is one of
my associates, Penny.
-Pleasure.

Hello.

What I need you to do
is go to the office
and prepare the Murdoch file.

Ooh, Murdoch.

As in...

Discretion.

Oops.

The Murdoch files. Right.

All right now,
wedding woman.

Let's get down
to brass tacks.

What do you see
for our wedding?

Well, now, having met you,

off the top of my head,

let's see.

Night.

Dubounce Botanical Gardens.

White, silk tents
thin enough
to see the stars.

Candlelight.

Wedgewood.

Exotic waringin trees
imported from Bali.

I'm thinking Gatsby.

Not a period wedding,

but the spirit of it,
the time.

I nailed it, Geri.
Yeah, but they want it
in three months.

They're going for June.

I know. The clock is ticking.
Put Penny on.

Guess what, Miss Moneypenny?

Hold on, Penny.

Agh!

This shoe is stuck.

Not my good shoes.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh!

My new Gucci shoe.

Come on!

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh, are you okay?
Are you okay?

I'm great.

-Okay.
-Where's my shoe?

Your shoe?
You got it right here.

Now talk to me.
How are you feeling?

Are you experiencing
any dizziness, nausea,
difficulty breathing?

The breathing thing
rings a bell.

Then again,
you are on top of me,
cutting off my air supply.

Your mental clarity's
excellent.
That's good. That's good.

Don't appear
to have a concussion.

You took quite a fall.

Why are you
still on top of me?

That's a good question.

You see that Dumpster there?
Seems that Dumpster
tried to kill you.

You were standing in
the middle of the road, and
it was coming right at you.

Just take your time.
Sit up straight.
You okay?

You saved...

my shoe.

My life.

Your shoe
was what I was going for.

You just turned out
to be a bonus.

Come on.
We're gonna try and get up.
Take your time.

Take your time.

Up. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Here we go. I got you.
I got you.

I got you, okay?

(MOANS)

You smell like
sweet red plums

and grilled
cheese sandwiches.

Okay. Here you go.

(EXCLAIMS)

Yeah, I get that all the time.
Thank you.

All right. Hold up! All right.

Yup, she's dead, all right.

-You think
she's going to heaven?
-Definitely.

She's got
the cleanest toes
I've ever seen.

Where am I?

You're at
the children's ward of
St. Vincent's Hospital.

I'm your doctor.
Try not to talk.

Mmm!

My God.

I'm paralyzed. I'm paralyzed!

If you're moving
your arms and legs,
you're clearly not paralyzed.

-MAN: Boo!
-(CHILDREN SHRIEKING)

(SCREAMING)

Yes, thank you.
There's my flashlight.

Thank you.
How's our patient doing?

It was touch and go
for a while.

Was it?
What do you recommend?

I think she needs more fluids.

Why don't you
go load her up with 10 cc's
of Yoo-Hoo, all right?

Here we go.

(ALL SCREAMING EXCITEDLY)

-You're the guy...
-Steve Edison.

I'm the supervising
pediatrician here.

-Mary...
-Fiore. Yeah, I know.

I had to go through
your wallet to get
your identification.

I must say, I've never met
anyone who alphabetized
her credit cards before.

Here's the skinny on you.

Your X-rays are fine.
Hemoglobin levels
are normal.

We're just waiting on
the CAT scan to be processed,
then we can get you out.

You can take this off now.

-Oh, you've got a big neck.
-I have a big neck?

Don't get me wrong.
It's a fine neck.

It's just that haven't had
a patient over the age of six
in three years.

Oh.

(HUMMING)

What happened to your hand?

My hand.
You fell on it
with your big neck.

Ugh!

(STEVE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

-Mary.
-Mmm.

Your CAT scan came back,
and it's all clear.

-So I'm okay?
-You're better than new.

Speaking of new,
that's a pretty modern girl
you have there.

-Who?
-Your girlfriend.

Oh!

No, that's my sister.
I guess you could say
she's modern.

The last time I saw her,
she had a spike
through her chin.

Oh, my.

What I don't understand
is how she got
near the Dumpster!

Miss?

-Oh, my God, you're alive!
-How did you find me?

I'm so happy! The nurse
found my phone number
taped to your Palm Pilot.

She told me
what happened, and...

Is this the guy
who saved you?

Hi.

I wouldn't exactly call it
a rescue.

I was just in the right place
at the right time.

Well, aren't you just
the modern-day hero?

Penny.

Are you okay?

(CHUCKLES)

Fabulous.

Penny Nicholson.
Nice to meet you.

I'm Steve Edison.
Nice to meet you too.

Have a seat.
Make yourself comfortable.
Mary's gonna be fine.

So, you must work long hours.
Are you working late tonight?

No, I'm not even
on duty tonight.

Great!

You know, Mary and I
were gonna go to
Golden Gate Park.

They show old movies
on the side of the museum.

You should come with us.

We won't take no
for an answer.

Will you leave him alone,
please?

Oh, you don't want me to go?

No. No!

Of course she wants you to go.

You know,
the truth is, Doctor,

that I've been thinking
about a career in medicine.

Something medicinal
or whatnot.

I'd really like to
just pick apart your brain.

MARY: Do not leave me here.
PENNY: I know
what's best for you.

PENNY: I'm gonna
get you over this Keith thing
once and for all!

MARY:
It's only been six years.

(PENNY TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

MARY: It's not a date!

Do not leave me alone.
Please.

-It's for your own good.
-Don't you dare!

-Hi!
-Hello.

-There he is.
-There's your gum ball.

Thank you. Oh, good.
Boy, you can never get
the colors you want.

Okay, well.

Oh, no!

Darn it.
I just remembered
that I promised

my friend's brother's
godmother

that I would help her

change her fax cartridge
tonight

because she's going
out of town tomorrow,

on an African safari.

I should go do that.

I'm really sorry
that we're not gonna
be able to have that

-medical chat.
-Medical chat, yeah.

Well... Ow!

Okay. Bye.

-Penny.
-Wow.

Goodness, I hope her

friend's brother's godmother
is gonna be okay.

You know,
I have reserved seating.

-All right.
-Okay. Let's go.

-Thanks for guarding my tree.
-Yes, I'm guarding your tree.

There's your blanket
right there under your tree
I kept for you.

Thank you, Burt.
This is Steve Edison.

Steve, how you do?
Nice to meet you.

-Pleased to meet you.
-It's about time
you had a date.

-It's not...
-What line of business
are you in?

-I'm a doctor
at St. Vincent's.
-You a doctor?

He's a doctor.
Well, I get the hint.

See you at
the Scrabble practice, kid.

Sorry. I'm so sorry
about that.

Scrabble practice?

Please, don't ask.

Come on.
You can't leave me
hanging on that.

"See you at
Scrabble practice, kid"?
What's that?

I'm a member of
the Bay Area Scrabble Club.

-Pathetic, I know.
-Wow.

-What?
-That is pathetic.

Shut up.

At least I can spell.
What can you do?

-I throw a mean yo-yo.
-You know what?

-No more caramel corn for you.
-I'm serious.

How'd you get into it?
I've never met a member of
a Scrabble Club before.

That's for sure.

When my parents
came over from Italy,

they joined a Scrabble Club
so they could learn English.

After my mom died,
my dad became,
like, obsessed with the game

and wanted me
to play with him
all the time.

So I guess, in a way,
I was destined.

C-O-O-L.

What are you doing?

I only eat the brown ones.

Because?

'Cause I figure
they have less
artificial coloring

'cause chocolate's
already brown.

That's very scientific of you,
Dr. Steve.

Thank you.

So where would one go
to see a Scrabble match?

-(MUSIC PLAYING ONSCREEN)
-Oh, look. It's starting.

* And closer

* To me

-Oh, that's beautiful.
-You like it?

Yes.

-MAN: Whoo!
-(WOMAN LAUGHING)

STEVE: Hmm.

This is by far
the coolest thing
I've ever done in this city.

MAN:
* The closer you are

* The brighter
the stars glow *

Wanna dance?

I don't know.
I haven't danced
in quite some time.

-Okay.
-Girl asks you to dance,
you dance.

(WHISPERING) Burt!

Burt's right.
Yes, Mary,
I would love to dance.

-No pressure.
-It's too late now.

Okay.

(MARY EXCLAIMS SOFTLY)

Where'd you learn
to dance like this?

Ballroom class.

Oh, you're gay.

Oh, yeah, the gayest.

Oh.

My mother put me
in ballroom classes
when I was eight years old.

She wanted me
to be Fred Astaire.
I wanted to be Marcus Welby.

So now you're
a little bit of both?

I think you're being kind.

You can stop that.
I'm gonna blush.

How's your thumb?

Never better.

YMCA.

My next Scrabble match
is Saturday,

at 1:00
at the north side YMCA.

It'll be the social event
of the season.

Maybe you should be there.

-Maybe you shouldn't
step on my foot.
-Did I?

-Yes.
-I'm sorry.

That's okay.
Just don't let it
happen again.

Don't tell me what to do.

Don't what?

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Come on.

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

(TRADITIONAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Holy shit!

Are you guys crazy?
This isn't funny!

Oh, I am thinking teal
for the bridesmaids.
What do you think?

Good morning. Earth to Mary.

What is up with you?
You're different.

I'm not different.
How am I different?

You can't stop smiling.

I'm not smiling. Am I smiling?

Like a fool.

-Tell me.
-It's nothing.

Then stop smiling.

-I can't.
-Okay, who is he?

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Okay. No, no!

Mr. Kotsioupolis,
you cannot throw plates
at the Ritz-fucking-Carlton!

It's okay.

This is like a fairy tale.

He saves your life.
You dance under the stars.

-You kiss in the rain.
-Almost kissed.

I don't know, Fran.
I've been so out of
the dating-relationship loop.

You?

You know, those who can't do,
teach?
Those who can't wed, plan.

With my help,
you could marry this man
in three months.

I have totally lost control.
Will you please, please,
please help me?

Penny, if you can't
beat 'em...

-What has gotten into you?
-She met a guy.

You met a guy?
(GASPS) You mean...

Uh-huh.

(SHRIEKING)

(MAN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

-I wanna hear all about it!
-I owe you one, Penny.

You do. You owe me one!

-Hello, Rene. How are you?
-Hello. Great.

Listen, they're gonna be
signing up for six classes.

So just be sure
to pay up front, okay?

Basil himself
is gonna be here today.

-Really?
-Yes.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

I'll have to call you back.
Okay. Bye.

Mary, what are you doing here?

Oh, my God.
I'm so embarrassed.

I may be a hell of
a businesswoman,

but when I dance,
I look like
a retarded string bean.

I thought your class
wasn't till Thursday though.

I know. We had to change it.
But this is perfect.

You can finally meet Eddie.
Come here. Eddie.

Eddie, come here.

I want you to meet
the wedding planner.

The two most important people
in my life
set eyes on one another.

Eddie, this is Mary,
the wedding planner.

Mary, this is my fiance Eddie.

Hi.

Hi.

-Mary, are you okay?
-Uh-huh. Yup. Good.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Let's see who that is.

Hello?

Hi, Dad. Wait.

I can't hear you.
Hang on. All right.
Okay, I got you. Oh!

Okay, I'm losing you again.
I'm sorry.

Shoot. Okay, wait, wait.
Hello. Do you hear me?

Quickly, people.
Get your tootsies
out here, pronto.

Welcome to the Basil
St. Mosely School of Dance.

I am Basil St. Mosely.

Hang on. I can't hear you.
Wait a second.
I can't hear you.

You're breaking up. Hang on.

There you go.

I'd like
all my lovely couples,
dancing partners,

paired up in twos,

ready to dance,
not next week,
not tomorrow, but now.

-Dance with Eddie.
-I can't.

Quickly. Is there a problem
in the room?

Pronto, people.
I'd like us to still be young
when this class is over.

I have to take this call.

Darling, I understand
you're busy.
I'm busy too.

-You're holding up the class.
-She's with him.

All right.

Mary, watch out for his thumb.
He hurt it
saving some old lady.

-Sorry, I can't.
-Listen, I got
a prior engagement.

Interesting choice of words.

Wallflowers, it's time
to blossom and bloom.

Obviously, what we have here,
people, is a fear of dancing.

It's my firm belief
we must conquer one's fears.

Now, I have to gauge
what I am dealing with,

so I will play music,
you will dance

and I will observe.

Okay, Rene?

Yes, thank you.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Mary, would you like to dance?

Have no fear. Dance. Dance.

Yes.

-Old lady, huh?
-Listen, this is...

-You told me
your name was Steve.
-It is Steve.

My last name is Edison.
Fran calls me Eddie.
It's a nickname.

I have a better nickname
for you.

How about common,
cheating, sleazy...

If you're thinking...

What I'm thinking involves
a machete
and a pair of pliers.

Okay.

-The day
that you had the accident.
-That was a special day.

It was. I was running late.

How convenient.

I was meeting Fran
and our wedding planner,
which you turned out to be.

What are the odds?

Dance. Dance!

Don't dance around the issue.

You didn't show
'cause you don't wanna
get married.

-I see it all the time.
-You see what?

Why'd you tell your fiance
you saved an old lady?

Exactly!

You think
you want to get married,
but you don't.

You're pitiful and confused,
looking to get some hot pepper
wherever you can.

Mary, you have no idea
what you're talking about.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

Why did you go to
the movies with me?

Why did Steve
go to the movies with you?
Let's see.

First of all,
Steve likes the movies.

Steve had the night off.

Steve said,
"Hey, you know what?

A movie sounds good.
Plus he got an invitation.

Why is Steve
referring to himself
in the third person?

What are you talking about?

Think you can double-talk
your way out, throw me off
your scent? I smell you!

And I smell like
sweet red plums and
grilled cheese sandwiches.

-What?
-Yes.

-So you said
before you passed out.
-I did not!

You did too. If anybody
was looking to get some,
it's M-A-R-Y.

You are hideous.

Okay. Then why'd
you ask me to dance?

-I didn't.
-You did too.

-I did not.
-You said,
"Would you like to dance?"

And even if I did,
I'm not the one
who's engaged.

It was a dance.

Whoop-dee-doo.
It didn't mean anything.

Then why'd you almost kiss me?

BASIL: This pair,
this lovely couple,

they have it,
they know what it takes.

Very well done.

We need to powwow.

As soon as Dad
mentioned it,
I went, "Of course."

Everybody knows
that it's the place
to get married.

Sure, Fran.
A vineyard sounds perfect.

-We should check it out
right away.
-I already have.

We have reservations
for this weekend,

but you'll have to
take off Friday.

Friday?
Friday's not good for me.

I have a diverticulitis
seminar planned.

-Okay. Saturday.
-Saturday.

Saturday. All right, Mary?
Thanks for everything.

Nice to meet you.
Thanks for the dance.

-We'll let you know
how it all goes.
-Pleasure to meet you.

Wait a second.
She's coming with us.

-I'm coming?
-She's comin'?

Yes.

You are not
quitting the Donolly wedding!

I gotta tell Geri
I'm off the account.

No. No, no, no.
Hold on.

Listen.

The only good reason to
quit a wedding is if you break
the cardinal rule.

Which is ridiculous because
we both know you did not
fall in love with the groom.

-What?
-(STUTTERS)

You didn't.

Bad.

No, of course not.

I'd never get
emotionally involved.

Never. Never.

It's the doctor.

I'm confused.
Is it the doctor,
or did you fall for the groom?

No, the doctor is the groom.
The groom is the doctor.

The doctor
is Fran Donolly's fiance!

The Dumpster girl
is your wedding planner?

Yes. I'm in hell.

And I'm in heaven.
Now you can fix me up
with her.

I'm not fixing you up,
Dr. John.

Look, this is
complicated enough.

You are one of
the top wedding planners

in this great, big,
thriving metropolis.

Look on the positive side.
He got you to open up again.

Thank the bastard and move on.

You cannot tell me
you would sacrifice
your entire career over this!

You're not telling me
that you think it's a mistake
to marry Fran now?

I don't think it's a mistake
to marry Fran.
Fran is great.

Yes.

It's just that...

What if what I think is great
really is great

but it's not as great
as something greater?

You will go through
with this wedding!

Why?

Because you deserve
this partnership.
You've earned it!

-You're right.
-Of course I'm right.

Of course you're right.

Your feelings for her,
that's not chemistry,
that's anxiety.

-It's nature.
-It's natural.

Natural.
It's not chemistry,
it's anxiety.

I can do this.
I can plan this wedding.

The feelings I have
for Fran run deep.

It's not something
that can be swept away
in one night with one dance.

Not gonna happen.

-What the hell was I thinking?
-You were thinking wrong.

I was thinking wrong.
I was being a jackass.
Come on, Steve.

I can treat that jackass
like any other faceless groom.

That's just what
I'm gonna do. Why?

Because he's nothing!
Because I love a challenge!

And because
I am a goddamn professional!

JOHN: So you're gonna
give me her number?
STEVE: No, I'm not.

I thought that
we had everything
covered,

but then I realized
Eddie and I don't have
a wedding song.

So I got this
wedding compilation
to see if we can find one.

Okay, here we go.

(SLOW LOVE SONG PLAYING)

-Hmm.
-FRAN: Hmm!

-What do you think?
-That's groovy.

-I like it.
-Let's see what else there is.

MAN:
* You fill up my senses

-What do you think
of this one?
-That's groovy too. I like it.

It's kinda cute.

Kinda not.

(STOPS SONG)

(SLOW SONG PLAYING)

WOMAN:
* I love you

FRAN: Oh, my God.

Olivia Newton-John.
I love this song.

-I honestly love you.
-This is perfect, isn't it?

Yes, it is perfect.

-It is.
-Yes.

-(SCOFFS)
-What?

Nothing. It's nothing.

What, is it a bad song?

No, I think
it's absolutely perfect.

-See? It's perfect.
-It's perfect?

Yes, it is. It's perfect.

You think so?
We have a song!

I can't believe it.
We have a song.

* I love you

* I honestly love you

What's that, like, 1983?

(FRAN SIGHS CONTENTEDLY)

Oh, I've been
meaning to ask you,
speaking of love,

what happened to that guy?

You know, the one
that you danced with...

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(HORNS BLARING)

-Eddie!
-There was a damn deer
in the road.

Damn it.

FRAN: Careful.

(FRAN CLEARS THROAT)

So, what happened?

-Didn't work out.
-How is that possible?

I saw you three days later,
and you still had
stars in your eyes.

Well, he turned out to be
the groom of one of
the weddings I was planning.

No!

Yes.

That is
the most disgusting thing
I have ever heard.

I would hate
to be a single gal

with all those creeps
running around out there.

Yeah, Fran,
you're really lucky.

* I love you

* I honestly love you

I suppose they'd like to
see the gardens first.
Don't you think, Mary?

Over here
is where the actual ceremony
would take place.

(MAN SHOUTING OUT IN ITALIAN)

What are you doing here?

Your papa tell me
where you are,
so I come to surprise you.

I made this for you.

(TWITTERING)

And who is this?

-I'm her fiance.
-What?

-Her fiance?
-Um...

-Buongiorno.
I am Massimo.
-I'm Steve.

And I'm Fran.

Oh, my God, Mary,
I cannot believe you didn't
tell us you were engaged.

Mary, you're engaged!

That's marvelous!

After all the weddings
we've done together,
now finally it's your turn.

-And I am her fiance.
-Congratulations.

BERNARD: We're gonna have to
plan something very special
this weekend to celebrate.

-It won't be necessary.
-Yes, it will,
because it is wonderful.

It is wonderful.

You've found
that somebody special
in your life,

to be honest
and faithful to

until the end of time,
no matter what.

You must take
that moment, Mary.

And I am her fiance.

(SNIFFS)

-We're ready for our tour now.
-Certainly. Just follow me.

Wow.

Steve.

This wedding
putting-together
is not a job for a man.

You stay with me
and we will do
the manly bonding.

Manly bonding. You and me.

We'll let the ladies,
I mean, the
brides-to-be,

we'll let them
go do their thing.

Bye-bye, girls.

Ooh!
How cute is he?

He's so cute.

How long you known Mary?

Way before
she had the breasts.

Believe me, back then
she did not look so good.

Look. A center
for the physical fitness.

We do the bonding.
Follow me.

We do the bonding.

(BEEPS)

(CONTROL BEEPING)

Take it easy there, buddy.

-I like the speed.
-You like the speed.

Faster.

(EXHALES)

Run!

Run like a man!

Like me!

Well, here we are.

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

Hi, bunny.
Wedding woman.

Mr. Donolly.
Hello, Mrs. Donolly.

What took you guys so long?

We found seven
of the most adorable vineyards
on the way up.

-Right by
the side of the road.
-All you can drink.

-Really? Great.
-Oh, honey, do you mind?

-How many is that for you?
-Sixty-five.

And you?

-How many?
-Sixty-five.

Same.

Sixty-seven.

(STEVE GRUNTING)

Another plus is that

their chef is rated
one of the three best
on the West Coast.

I really like it, Dad.

You know who else
was married here?
Lesley Ann Martin.

Herb Martin's daughter?
Forget it.
This place is out.

I'm not following
in Herb Martin's
shoddy footsteps.

-I didn't see a stage either.
-Find something bigger.

-Eddie, what on Earth...
-(STEVE GRUNTING)

What are you doing?

Yeah, just a second.
(SHOUTS)

(GRUNTING)

Good move, honey.

MRS. DONOLLY:
* From this valley

MR. AND MRS. DONOLLY:
* They say you are leavin'

MRS. DONOLLY:
It's "going," honey.

Whatever, darling.

* I shall miss
your bright eyes

-* And sweet smile
-* Smile, smile, smile

(SINGING CONTINUES)

I'm starting a nonprofit
pediatric foundation.
I want Eddie to head it up.

Can you imagine
Eddie CEO of a major
medical foundation?

He wants to
give up his patients?

He does.
He just doesn't know it yet.

He has a hard time
leaving people behind.

Always do the right thing.

I'm sure
he doesn't always
do the right thing.

* Just the something something

* Red River Valley

Mom, would you please shut up!

(ULULATING)

Whoa! Heel, boy! Heel! Heel!

Okay. Okay. Okay.

(GRUNTING)

Pull on the reins!

(URGING HORSE)

Stop! Oh, God!

Horsey! Horsey! Horsey!

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Tree! Tree!

Hang on, Mary!

I got you! I got you!

On the count of three.
One, two, three!

(GRUNTS)

You okay?

Whoa, whoa.

Oh, my God.
You could've been killed.

-It's important
to learn how to ride.
-MARY: Yeah.

-Eddie, you're riding back
with Mary.
-No, no, really.

Don't let her
out of your sight.

And the good news is,
I have the wine!

(ALL LAUGHING)

MR. AND MRS. DONOLLY:
* As I walked out on

* The streets of Laredo

(STEVE HUMMING)

-Thank you for what you did.
-No problem.

You don't have to be
all smug about it.

How about
a quick recap here, Mary?

You harpoon me
for being engaged

when, in a zippy and
unexpected twist, you yourself
turn out to have a fiance.

Now you have the nerve
to call me smug?

Come on, Mary.
What the hell is your problem?

You're the one
with the problem.

I've been doing this
a long time,

and I can predict
down to the week how long
a couple's going to last.

Are you aware
that Fran has chosen teal
for her bridesmaids?

Teal, the color of gangrene.

My last bride who chose teal
got her marriage annulled
in 12 days.

Oh, oh,
and I Honestly Love You
as your wedding song?

You might as well
commit matrimonial suicide
right now.

You want
a confession in blood?
Huh? All right.

That night at the movie,
I was attracted to you.

I was. You caught me.
I admit it.

I mean, let's see, maybe
I was a little unsure about
the whole marriage thing.

I don't know,
maybe I was just
being a guy

and an opportunity
presented itself.

Bottom line?

I never thought
I'd see you again.

Bottom line?
Nothing happened.

Bottom line?

Now, more than ever,
I believe Fran
is the one for me.

So...

I would say,
based on the evidence,

all your theories on love
sound like the rantings
of a bitter, cynical woman.

* Once I walked out
on the streets of Laredo

* And Laredo walked out

* On the streets with me

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

Excuse me.

There's my good boy.

(WHISTLING)

(HUMMING WEDDING MARCH)

(GASPS)

What's going on?

I am measuring you
for your wedding dress.

Dad, I want my house key back.
Dad, Dad, please.

Where's that old
wedding dress?

Now we can
finally get rid of this.

Dad, put that back!

Hey, Mary,
what do you want
on your bagel?

No bagel. No wedding dress.
No wedding.

No wedding?

But Massimo said
you announced
your engagement.

I never said that.

My God,
this is like the blind date
that wouldn't end.

(EXCLAIMS IN ITALIAN)

He's right.

You're frightened
by a mounting attraction
for him.

Oh, that's disgusting.

-I told you
Mismo was full of crap.
-No Mismo! Massimo!

Go toast the bagel.

Yeah, I'll toast
when I see fit.

Mismo, Massimo or
any other kind of "Mo."

Dad, you cannot
push some guy at me.

That's not how it works.

You know that. You had Ma.

Yes, and I didn't meet her
until the day of our wedding.

What are you talking about?

Your mother and I
had an arranged marriage.

An arranged marriage?

We met on the day
of our wedding.

We couldn't even
look at each other.

I was in love
with another girl,

and your mother
wanted nothing to do with me.

She said I had big eyebrows
and a low IQ.

Anyway, one day,

I got very sick
with scarlet fever

and she stayed by my side.

She took good care of me.

For the first time,

I appreciated her.

Then the appreciation
grew to respect.

Respect grew to like.

Then like grew to love.

A deeper love
than I could ever hope for.

So give Massimo a chance.

Maybe you don't like him now,

but maybe
you might love him later.

I should've told you
about your mother and I
a long time ago.

Maybe then
you'd feel differently
about love.

I don't feel anything
about love.

FRAN: (SIGHS)
What do you think, Mary?

-Mary.
-Hmm?

Oh, the park's great.

You guys would be the first.
No one else has been
married here before.

Oh!

Well, we'd have to
construct the site
from scratch,

but at least
you wouldn't have to
cut the guest list.

FRAN: (CHUCKLES)
Dad would love it.

And what about the bride
and groom-to-be?

-I say, let's take it.
-I think we should
keep looking.

-Really?
-Maybe I should
give you guys a minute.

You don't like it?

STEVE: Eh... I don't know.

Come on.

(STUTTERS HESITANTLY)

All right, if this
is what you want, then I'm...
I'm fine with it.

(EXCLAIMS)

Do you see
why I'm marrying this guy?

Because he is so good to me.

Yep, you two will have
no problem planning
the wedding while I'm gone.

-I beg your pardon?
-Just for a week.

-Gone?
-I've got to fly back east.

We're looking at
buying out a few
of our manufacturers.

Fran, this is
a really critical time.

That's why
we shouldn't lose momentum.

You guys will do a great job.
I trust you.

STEVE: Fran wants statues
at the wedding.

MARY: A well-chosen sculpture
can help enhance the tone
and theme of the ceremony.

Something like this
could be nice.

A little depressing, isn't it?

No, it's wistful and romantic.

Oh.

Okay.

(STEVE CLEARS THROAT)

I always pictured
a small wedding myself.

Close friends and family.

On the beach somewhere.
Cool, salty breeze.

You know, the Aphrodite
we passed on the way in
might be perfect.

What about this guy?

Well, this is all wrong
for a wedding.
It's too menacing.

Mary, I think you're wrong.

He's not menacing.
He's masculine.

He's the protector.

-This man is strong.
-He's naked.

This man is sturdy.

Oh, my God.

Pick him up
before somebody sees.

You all right?

(GRUNTING)

-The man is heavy.
-Oh, my God,
there's a guard coming.

There.

(GASPS) Oh, my God.

You castrated him.

Oh, no.

The guard's coming this way.

-I'm sorry, buddy.
-We gotta fix him.

What do you got?
Oh, of course.
Krazy Glue.

Why didn't
I bring Krazy Glue,
in case his pecker fell off?

-All right, ready?
-Is it sticking?

Hang in right there.

-You got it?
-Yeah, he's on. Oh, shit.

Steve's stuck.
Steve's glued to his pecker.

-Hi.
-Hi there.

Sir, touching the statues
isn't permitted.

Yes, sir.

You're right.
It's limestone, not granite.

We had a bet going.
She won.

-Sir.
-Yeah?

Your hand, sir.

(LAUGHS EMBARRASSINGLY)

Yeah, my hand.

Here it is. You were right.

A limestone penis.

You'd think
he'd be bigger, huh?

(STEVE CHUCKLING)

All right.

Mmm-hmm.

Jesus.

What else you got in that?

My entire universe.

-I'm sorry...
-I'm sorry...

-I'm sorry. Go ahead.
-No, you go.

I'm sorry about Napa.

I didn't mean to
call you bitter and cynical.
You're not.

And I'm sorry, what I said
about your marriage
being doomed to fail.

Well, I apologize
for saying you were
just an opportunity.

That was pretty ugly of me.

And I was only half serious
about the
teal bridesmaid thing.

Well, at least
I have a chance, right?

You and Fran are gonna be
real happy together.

So are you and Massimo.
It's gonna work.

Yeah, well, um,
we're not engaged anymore.

-Really?
-Really.

-Are you okay with that?
-Yeah.

It was more my dad
trying to get us together.

Why would he want to do that?

Well...

Probably because
he was so happy with my mom.

Fran said to go forward
with the violet chocolate...

-The chocolate one?
-The one that you suggested.

Good. Then I'll put in
that order today.

-How is Fran?
-She's good.

She's making deals,
kickin' butt.
You know, being Fran.

Oh, nicely done.

-Yes.
-Yes.

-Thank you, Mary.
-You're welcome.

You wanna keep it?

Sure. (CHUCKLES)

Wow, it's a nice day.

I agree with you
about the small wedding.

That's the way I'd do it too.

Papa.

Mary. How nice to see you.

Where's my father?

He's out buying the balloons
for Burt's birthday party.

-Tell him I was here.
-(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Wait, Mary.

Are you mad with me?

Yes.

I'm mad at you.

You told my father
we were engaged.

He tried to measure me
for a wedding dress.

What is the matter with you?
You never listen.

Massimo, we are not
going to be together
like that. Okay?

And why are you
in my father's house?

I am sorry.
I will leave you alone.

(GRUNTS)

From now on,
I'll no longer bother you.
We will be just friends.

Oh, you think
we can be friends
just like that?

I want to apologize
for any madness
I caused you.

Is this a trick?

No tricks. I'm very serious.

I just want for us
to be buddy-buddy.

I promise you.

-Do you have plans for dinner?
-Massimo!

As a friend,
I want to make for you
a wonderful...

American dish.

Sit. I will start.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

That's your specialty?
Instant macaroni and cheese?

It is a low-budget wonder.

Already today,
I've eaten three boxes.

Nothing like
a well-balanced diet.

Grazie.

You remind me
so much of your mother.

You don't remember my mother.

Yeah, I remember your mother.

Little.
She had the same big smile

and the same dark hair.

She had no nail
on her little finger.
I don't remember why.

A brick fell on it
when she was little.
It never grew back.

You see?
We have much history together.

I guess we sort of do.

You look like
you have much on your mind.

Not at all.

Well, we're friends,

and friends listen
when friends
are not feeling so good,

so please to tell me.

There's nothing to tell.

I thought
I could control everything,
and I can't.

I met someone
who I thought was...

Well, he's not.

Did you ever like somebody,
but the timing was off?

Way off?

You feel things
you should not be feeling?

I'm not making any sense.

You make much sense.

You long for him
the way I long for you.

I don't want you to think...

I want to tell you something.

You need to learn patience.

Love can't always be perfect.

Love is just love.

My mom used to say that.

Your mother
was a very wise woman.

Eat.

We'll start with camellias
as a base, and anything else
that jumps out at you.

-Let me know.
-Okay.

Roses.

Wreaths.

We don't need
any more statues.

Oh, how about this beauty?

MARY: Interesting.

This is called
a bleeding heart,

the official funeral flower
of Tibet.

I knew I'd be good at this.

I'll take some
Slit-My-Wrists-Susans
and we'll be ready.

How'd you guys meet?

-Me and Fran?
-Yeah.

College.

She was
in one of your classes?

No, she was a bookie,
actually.

-Fran was a bookie?
-Yeah, she was.

She single-handedly
established

this underground
gambling ring
at UC Berkeley.

Took bets
on every sporting event
imaginable, ran numbers,

and even hosted
a Vegas night
at her sorority house.

-You're lying.
-No, that was Fran.

-Orchids? Does that work?
-Yeah, orchids would work.

Okay.

Yeah, she was the coolest.

I was the bookworm,
she was the wild child,
and she picked me.

-Thank you.
-Enjoy.

-How about cabbage?
-My God.

-What's the matter?
-Just hide me.

-Mary, what are you doing?
-Don't say my name!

Oh, my God.

Mary?

Hi.

Hi.

You okay?

I found it.

Hi. How you doing?
I'm Steve Edison.

Keith Richmond.
My wife Wendy.

-Nice to meet you, Wendy.
-Hi.

So, how do you all
know each other?

-It's a long story.
-Oh, let me tell it.

It's really a funny story.

See, Keith

was my fiance.

And Wendy was
his high school girlfriend.

On the night
of our rehearsal dinner,
I found them making out.

In my car.

I think that covers
all the high points.

Did I leave anything out?

(WHISTLES)

-You all right?
-Yeah.

This home?

-You wanna go up?
-(BURPS)

(STEVE EXCLAIMING)

Oh! Oh! Oh!

-All right? You okay?
-Uh-huh.

MARY: Jezebel was
the only queen in the Bible
to be eaten by dogs.

-Did she fall down
in the street?
-MARY: That's yours.

Hang on. Hang on.

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

-Mr. and Mrs. Wilfred Barber.
-No, it's not that one.

Nancy Pong.

Mmm-hmm.

WOMAN: Who is it?

Nancy Pong? 2C?

-Yes.
-Nancy, would you
buzz us in, please?

It's Mary Fiore, 7H.

Who?

You don't know me.

(NANCY HANGS UP)

We haven't met because

I'm a control freak

and I don't have time
for people.

But if you ever need to
borrow a cup of sugar,

I can't help you

'cause I don't
have time to shop.

(SOBBING)

I wanna go home.

We are home.

We're just out on the porch.

All right?

He's married

and they're gonna
have a baby.

And he looked good.

No, he didn't.

-No, he really didn't.
-He did.

Hold it there, please.
Thank you.
Here we go. We're in.

-I don't know him.
-I know, but he'll hold
the door for us.

Come here.
Here we go. Stand up.

Hold that position.
Here we go.

We got your beer,
we got your purse,
we got you, we got your keys.

Hi there. Here we go.

This is somebody that
lives in the same building.
Thank you.

Are you Nancy Pong?

Okay, a little bit more.

A little fire.

Medium well.

You really don't think
he looked good?

Oh, no. He looked old.

You know?

Unhappy and fat.
He put on a couple pounds.

Be quiet.

He said
they were just friends,

but deep down,
I knew better.

I was just a stand-in.

A poor man's Wendy.

She threw
my bridal shower for me.

She even took time to
freeze mint leaves
and raspberries in ice cubes.

That should've
tipped me off right there.

She was trying too hard.

Jerk.

It's a good thing
I didn't marry him.

But most of the time
I think

I just wasn't enough.

No.

No, no, no, you're wrong.

(MARY SNIFFLES)

Hey.

And another thing.

This Wendy,

she's nothing
but a poor man's Mary.

Yeah.

(CLEARS THROAT)

It's getting late.

Yeah.

I'd better go.

I'll walk you to the door.

-That's all right. Stay there.
-No, it's okay.

(MARY GROANS)

-Wait.
-Take your time.
You all right?

Mmm-hmm.

Thanks for tonight.
I know that I was a mess.

No, you weren't a mess.

A little bit.

Shut up.

-You gonna be okay?
-Yeah.

Two aspirin, a lot of water,
sleep, and
a beer in the morning.

-That's the cure.
-Okay.

-Good night, Mary.
-Good night.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

-Yeah?
-You ever think about
that night in the park?

What?

I barely know you.

I don't know your
dad's first name.

I don't know
if you ever wore braces
or contacts or glasses.

I have no idea
how you came to be
a wedding planner, Mary.

But I know
the curves of your face,

and I know
every fleck of gold
in your eyes.

And I know that that night
in the park

was the best time
I've ever had.

Please say something.

I'm a magnet
for unavailable men

and I'm sick of it.

It's simple.

I know Fran.

I respect her.

And she loves you.

So, besides
your tux measurements,

that's all I need to know.

Please go away.

Good night, Mary.

(BIRDS TWITTERING)

How do you word an invitation
where both sets of parents
are paying for the wedding,

the groom is in the military,
about to receive
a medical degree

and the bride is a widow
whose father recently had
a sex-change operation

and now goes by the name
Sugar Pie DeSanto?

-Mary?
-What is it?

A little tense?

No. Just terribly, terribly

alert.

Fran.

What's the matter?

I came back early.

Why? I mean,
is everything okay?

I've discovered something.

I've been blind.
I didn't want to see it.

I tried to ignore the signs.

I think you know
what I'm talking about.

Let me explain.
It's not what you think.

Yes, it is.

I can't go through
with this wedding.

But, Fran...

I was in a meeting talking
about Boccolino mozzarella

and it hit me
that this isn't going to work.

I can't stand the way
he chews on pen caps

or the songs that he sings
in the shower.

It drives me nuts,

how he hikes up
his left pant leg
after he's eaten too much.

Oh.

Is Eddie gonna be
the last man that I sleep with

ever?

(SIGHS)

I've been with him so long,
I don't even know
why we're together anymore.

Look at me.

You are exquisite.

You're timeless.

And you have the love
of a man named Steve.

A man who, while you were away
having meetings about
mozzarella, said to me,

"I can't believe
she picked me.

"I can't believe I'm marrying
the most incredible woman
I've ever met."

So that tells me
that this marriage of yours

is not only gonna work,

it's gonna last forever.

Really?

Really.

(SIGHS)

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

ALL:
* For he's a jolly good fellow

* For he's a jolly good fellow

* Which nobody can deny

Let me pray, let me pray.

(ALL CHEERING)

(THANKING IN SPANISH)

(SPEAKING IN ITALIAN)

Hope he didn't
spit on the cake.

Come on.
Open up your presents.

No, no, please.
Everyone, I want to
make some toast.

-Happy birthday, Burt.
-Salute.

Buddy Burt. Salvatore.

I want to thank Salvatore
for taking me into his life

and introducing me
to all you wonderful people.

(ALL SIGHING)

Ah! Hold on a moment.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Where is he going?

(EXCLAIMS)

(ALL MURMURING)

Mary, I know I never done
the right thing,
I never say the right thing,

and I act like a fool.

I know I say
we're just buddy-buddy
friends,

but that would not
be true to my heart.

So I would ask you
this one question.

And if you answer no,

then I will leave you alone
once and for all.

Be my wife, Mary Fiore,

and I will take care of you
and be true to you.

And, like this house
I built for your dolls,

I will make sure
you have a strong roof
over your head.

If your answer is yes,

then no one will ever love you
as much as I love you.

If your answer is yes,

you will make me
the happiest man on the Earth.

(INAUDIBLE)

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(SIGHS)
What would I have done
without you?

Hey, wedding woman,
you did some job.

My girl's
gonna knock 'em dead.
Aren't you, sluggo?

Well, somebody stole
my lucky mike.

I can't sing
without my lucky mike.

(PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC)

Hey! What are you doing here?

You know it's bad luck
to see the bride
before the wedding.

You look beautiful.

Go on. Get out of here.
We're starting any minute.

Come on.

-Let's take a walk.
-A walk?

A walk. Come on.

Come on.

(PANICKING)
No. What are
you talking about?

You cannot give
the whole wedding to me.

Everything is gonna be fine.
It's a no-brainer.

You can't do this.
Geri's out there!

So?
The whole commission is yours.

That's more money
than I make in a year.

Then I guess that means
we're gonna have to go
shopping next week.

I am completely confused.
Why are you doing this?

Because there's somewhere
I've gotta be.

Okay, we can talk
after the wedding.

Hang on a minute, Fran.

Why do you wanna marry me?

What?

That's one of the questions
I need answered.

Steve, you're scaring me.

You never call me Steve.

That's because
you don't like it.

No.

I never said I didn't like it.

-Okay, where is this going?
-Why do you wanna marry me?

Are you kidding me?

-(CRYING) Are you kidding me?
-No, I'm not.

You're trying to dump me
on the day of my wedding.

-I just need to know
your answer.
-This is not happening to me.

-Franny, Franny.
-This is...
Don't "Franny" me!

Don't "Franny" me,
you selfish bastard!

The reasons
we were together in college
don't hold up anymore.

We're different people now.

-And?
-And I think you know that.

Listen to me.

If you really love me,
I'll put this cummerbund
on right now,

we'll walk up that hill
and go to the big tent
and do it.

-You would do that?
-Yes, I would.

All those people.

You don't know half of 'em.

You and me.

Are you ready?

Yes. Yes, of course.

I just need a second.

(SHUDDERING) Oh, God.

No.

I don't want to get married.

How did
we let it get this far?

I don't know.

What are we gonna do?

Well, that's the beauty of it.

Whatever we want.

(FRAN CHUCKLES)

I haven't thought about
what I really want in so long.

Me neither.

There you go.

Okay.

Okay.

(ENGINE STARTS)

Oh! Oh! Oh!

That is the bride.
Is that the bride?

Yes, it is.

Well, is she coming back?

No.

I think all the blood
is rushing to my head
and I'm gonna faint.

I'm gonna kill Mary
for leaving me
all alone here.

-I don't know what to do.
-Penny, take a breath.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about
your wedding planner
leaving me here all alone

to go to city hall
and get married.

Married?

-What? Mary's getting married?
-Yeah, married.

-You know, married?
-No, she can't get married.

-Married.
-Hey, hey, city hall.

Married, you know,
like what you're supposed
to be doing.

Oh, that's... Yeah.

That's great. Go.
I'll tell everyone.
I'll tell Kathie Lee Gifford.

Beautiful.

Thanks.

(HORNS BLARING)

Ah! Come on! Goddamn it.

Are you sure
you don't know a shortcut?

Take a shortcut somewhere?

-What do you expect me...
-Bullshit.

What are you doing?

Hold on the right. Hold!

JUDGE: We are gathered
together in the presence
of these witnesses

to join this man
and this woman
in matrimony.

This contract
is not to be taken lightly,

but thoughtfully
and seriously,

with a deep realization

of its obligations
and responsibilities.

If anyone
can show just cause

why these two
should not be joined together
in matrimony

then let him speak now
or forever hold his peace.

Fine.

-Then let us proceed.
-No. No.

-Oh, thank God.
-Oh, hell, I object too.

What is going on here?

Here we go.

Maria, I look in your eyes
and it hurts my insides.

This is not what you want.
This is what I want.

Shame on me.

I'm so lucky
to have a father like you.

But you're right.

Love isn't like
some enchanted evening,

isn't a fairy tale

or even love at first sight.

That isn't real life.

(SOFTLY)
Massimo's a good man.

Don't worry, Papa.

I know what I'm doing.

I'm just all grown up now.

Hmm.

Okay.

Hey, that's the doc!

-Steve!
-Oh, yes.

-You know the doctor?
-Mary. Where's Mary?

I'm her father.
Who the hell are you?

-He's the doctor.
-I'm Steve, the doctor.

-I'm in love
with your daughter.
-You are the one?

-What the hell is going on?
-I'm sorry, but I am.

-What about Fran?
-Fran and I
did not get married.

That's been happening
a lot today.

Whoa. You didn't get married?

We're not married.
I am not the one.
You are the one, Steve.

And you didn't get married?
She's not married?

She does not love me.
She loves you, Steve.

I could never forgive myself
if ever I got in the way
of Mary's true love.

-WOMAN: Who the hell are you?
-I'm Steve.

He's Steve. He's the one.

I'm the doctor.
I'm in love with Mary.

Wait a minute! Hold the phone.

You mean to tell me,
you love her
and she loves you,

and neither of you
got married today?

Yes.
That's what I'm saying.

Then what the hell
are you standing around
talking to us for?

I don't know. Where is she?
Where is Mary?
Somebody take me to Mary.

I take you. Come on.

-I like him.
-He's a doctor.

(HONKING)

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Congratulations!

Fabulous!

Good for you!

-Congratulations!
-Go, go. Thank you.

(HONKING)

Thank you, Massimo!

MASSIMO:
You better be good to her!

I still do more
chin-ups than you!

(WHISTLES) Hello.

Why are you only eating
the brown ones?

Because someone
once said that

they had less
artificial coloring because
chocolate's already brown.

And it kind of
stayed with me.

You kind of stayed with me.

Where's Fran?

She's in Tahiti,

on our honeymoon.

We didn't get married.

Because?

Because she needs to
find her own life.

And I...

You what?

What does Steve want?

I want to dance...

with you.

(POP SONG PLAYING)