All language subtitles for Assisted Living s04e09 Rich Ditch.eng

The 15th.

Or the 16th.

Or maybe the 17th.

Effie. Effie, Effie. Look, is this what
I think it is?

If you see two men in black, it might be
the eye out that's here for me.

Tell them I've donated all my earnings.

And I moved back to Africa to become a
monk.

Is this a super fine woman outside or
you ducking a Jehovah's Witness?

No, look like somebody famous didn't
pull up. That is nice.

That's probably wrong address.

I don't know, but it's nice.

Mm -hmm.

What is it, a LeBron sighting?

Philip, go outside and direct those rich
folks to the facility across the

street, please.

What? I don't know who it is, but I need
to put on some sharp case to famous.

Talking about that Tesla?

Yeah.

That old thing.

Well, the battery in that old thing can
light up this place for a whole year.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well, I'm rolling it.

What do you mean you're rolling it?

Oh, that's my girl Candy.

Her dad got it for a 316.

Hey, Ma. Morning.

And he's dumb enough to let you drive
it? It has nothing to do with him.

She's my girl, and so what's mine is
hers, and what's hers is mine.

Well, she won't get much.

Okay, wait, wait, wait. You mean to tell
me you dating somebody that got more

cheese than a food bank and more dough
than a Pillsbury?

You dating?

Yes. So what's she doing with you? You
broke.

They say opposites attract.

And they say you can't teach old dogs
new tricks either.

That's why I need to stop hanging around
here.

Hey, man, look, I don't want you driving
that girl's car, right? What if you

have an accident?

Dad, you got A &P insurance.

A &P?

Yeah, ask my pops.

If something happened to a writer dad,
just get her a new one. Simple.

Not like you and mom where, you know,
you got to wait four months for getting

fixed. You know what I'm saying? Get the
post -date check.

Hey, don't cast this for another month.

Or another two months.

How do you talk to your little layaway?
All right. All right, man. So, excuse

me, Mr.

Castanova.

So, what's she seeing in you? She just,
like, giving to needy people?

She see what all the girls see in me.

What, a liability?

No, I'm an extra -fired young 'un. You
know what I'm saying? That's going

places.

Half the time, you don't even know where
you're going.

Hold on now, my baby is a cash, honey.
He get it from his mama.

Yeah, well, he's driving a Tesla that
his mama did not buy.

At her age, I had an unlimited supply of
all -day bus passes.

Come on, don't say that out loud.

Yeah.

Hey, look, she got me thinking on
another level.

What level? The kind where your head is
stuck all up in the clouds and you can't

see straight?

No. Hey, look. She's taking me to the
posh loft to get eat.

Oh, that's a super expensive bougie
restaurant.

That's how broke people say it. Don't.

Another level. Tap in.

Uh, we're going to have to bring this to
a stop immediately.

Uh -oh, we can go with them.

All right, that's not good. Hey, I think
I want to get me one of them testicles.

I think it's Tesla.

Yeah, yeah.

That's nice.

No matter what you do, I love you. No
matter where you go, I'm behind you for

sure. Always remember, yeah.

We'll make it if we stay together.

A wise man once said, money cannot buy
love.

You know, I could have married for yacht
parties and gold and diamonds and fur

coats and all riches and extravaganzas
around the world. But

I'm married for love. I'm married too,
honey.

Well, I'd rather be sad and rich than
broken happy like y 'all.

Money can't buy you everything.

Oh, well, it can buy you plenty of
stilettos and furs, and it bought me

body.

That must have been on discount.

You need to invest in plastic surgery
yourself, Mr. Brunner.

No, I'm good. Look at me.

I have, and my eyes hurt.

Okay, look.

I mean, if you want that boy to stop
liking that girl, everybody know if the

parents like him, They're despising.

So you like, they despise. Try it. It's
guaranteed.

That's a good idea. I know I'm right.

Hey, hey.

What?

What's all this stuff?

Oh, me and my girl went shopping.

Nothing. Okay, either you spent your
life savings or you pawned your Xbox.

So much for money can't buy love.

Yeah, son.

It's like hundreds of dollars of stuff
here, man.

Oh, bless your heart, Dad. You're so
poised. Thousands.

But you can't put a price tag on love.

Are these $500 cheeses?

Yeah, dope, right?

And I definitely got a fit to set that
off.

Is this a game station?

Limited edition.

What does you love to do for a living?

Oh, same thing as my mom.

Nothing.

Her daddy must be loaded.

Yeah, owns half of downtown.

Does he need an in -house nanny?

Oh, do you know one that's young and
beautiful?

Hey, man, you're taking all this stuff
back right now.

This is your way to get him to despise
her.

What's the big deal with her buying her
man's gift? I mean, I get her gifts all

the time.

Hey, come on, man, that's not funny.

You ain't no man.

Now, what she want from you, Phillip?

Me. That reminds me.

Yeah, I like them shoes.

Ooh. Ooh, them in white.

I'll put them in.

Oh, what the?

Oh, my God.

Wow. Is this? The 8 -inch LED 72 -inch 9
.0 series.

Hit it out. High IQ TV.

This the one that'll scan your brain and
make sure you're not too dumb to watch

intelligent TV.

Or Mr. Brown, you'll never be able to
watch TV again.

For you and Dad, it's a present from
Candy's parent.

Jeremy and Leah, here's a small token of
our appreciation for raising such a

wonderful son.

Yep. Now, what was that about returning
to gifts?

For you, Dad.

You know, no layaway, no deposits, you
know, no monthly payments, no post -date

check, no, come on, man, I've known you
for 12 years, I can't get a discount.

No eating this together. All right, all
right, all right.

I got it.

Let me pay you next Friday.

Man, and it's not even hot.

I'm telling you, I play ball, I cross
drum, and it made my anger hurt. No, no,

had to put the D on it. You looked like
you'd been in a boxing match and knocked

each other out.

We played hoop. I had to remind Mr.
Brown of his age.

This nut thought he could dunk.

I didn't dunk.

After they brought the gold down to your
belt buckle. Well, do what you can do.

My people, my people.

I'm so excited.

I picked up a new company to help me pay
off my taxes.

Oh, I haven't paid mine in years, but
with so many married names, I'll be dead

by the time they catch me.

I partnered with a physical therapy
company that created a groundbreaking

product just for the elderly. It is
called fossil fuel.

My physical therapy solution is to
settle my wash machine during the spin

This product.

Will make your old joints feel like new.

Okay, does it come with a complimentary
massage?

So, I'm set up some personal business
meetings here today.

You're all invited.

If I sell enough product, I move up the
ranks.

I get a free Tesla.

So, you're a door -to -door salesman?
No, brother.

I am Evo.

An IBO.

What's that?

Independent business owner.

I mean, there are 7 billion people on
this planet.

If everybody buys just one jar, I'm a
billionaire.

Okay, wait a minute. I know I'm not the
sharpest knife in the drawer, but all

the billions of people buying one jar,
that don't even sound right the most.

Okay.

Are you feeling sluggish?

Like you need a boost of energy.

You must try fossil fuel. You've got to
make it up.

Are you feeling lucky?

Like you need a boost of energy?

Then try fossil fuel.

TLC for the elderly.

Make what's old feel.

Thank you.

Yeah, I think I need a shower.

She said I like she making a
photographic feel.

I love the P .G. Fettin' Bajon.

You're dirty.

If it's any good, maybe you can give
something to Mr. Brown and it'll help

little jump to his shot.

I have to get ready for my meeting.

For so few is the answer to my debt.

For so few.

For so few.

You want to know why I move so well?

For some view.

I think I

broke my hip.

Oh,

my

God.

I see you guys enjoying the TV.

Yeah, we just watched Adventures in 5K.

We both fought the water when the boat
hides a plane in the ocean.

And the wind blew my hair as they soared
through the air.

Candy's fans are the coolest.

Wait, you met them?

No, we called them to say thanks for the
television, and they invited us to

their country club for dinner.

Oh, and guess what?

They gave us courtside seats for the
Hawks -Celtic game.

Seems like you guys really hit it off.

Yeah, we're going to be sitting next to
T .I. and Tiny.

Mm -hmm.

I told you, I know how to choose them.
Yeah.

Yeah, they have some nice things to say
about her.

Oh, and real humble folk. Mm -hmm.

Yeah, so should I give her the ring
before or after graduation?

What? You guys don't have to pay for the
wedding.

I know, that's going to be like a 20
-year loan.

A lot of $100 monthly payments, am I
right?

Oh, baby, look, look, look.

Oh, feel the wind.

Feel the wind.

Feel the wind.

Y 'all don't need glasses for that?

No.

We didn't tell the boy to marry the
girl.

When you're in love, you do some dumb
stuff.

I'll tell you what.

My first girlfriend, I got a ring, but
she didn't get to keep it that long. She

broke it off? No, my mama broke her
finger off when she found out that ring

missing from her jewelry box. Ripped it
clean off out the socket.

They called her nubby.

We need to stop this right now.

What for what?

Maybe you should just let the boy marry
him.

Then they get a quickie divorce.

He get half.

Think about it. And we all will be rich.

Mr. Brown, this is serious.

I ain't put it.

Look, this is our fault, all right? We
got caught up in enjoying the gifts and

made Philip think it was okay.

Mm -hmm. We're sending everything back.

Okay, now wait a minute.

Think about this.

Why y 'all going to give it back? It's
paper.

Y 'all should give it to some handsome,
bald -headed, Christian man that's...

The reason that y 'all are here in the
first place.

No, Mr. Brown, it's to teach him a
lesson, all right? Now, we want him to

rid of his gifts. We got to get rid of
ours, too.

I guess I got to call my friends and
tell them the Thirsty Divas of Atlanta

watch party is called off. Yeah, no four
-size seats.

Well, you know we can always wait and
just do this later and delay it. No, we

can't not wait, Mr. Brown. Why?

Hey, guys.

Hey, look, Candy's parents told me that
they got married at 17.

Son. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they
said, if you know, you know.

Hey, look.

Oh, oh, plus they got you guys some
gifts.

$200 certificate to the Shayla booth.

Yeah, yeah, I told her that that's your
favorite place.

$200?

No, no.

Don't be jelly, Dad.

She used to their summer beach house.

Her dad said he'll meet you there for a
couple rounds of golf and all you can

drink, cocktails.

A summer beach house? Yep, summer. Can
they go to the winter?

Of course they can.

Hey. Hmm?

Phillip, your parents got something they
want to share with you.

Mmm.

Mmm. I think I can wait till next week.

Hmm?

Hey, very nice. Very good, man.

Hey.

Uh, okay. Thank you, Mr. Blum. Yeah,
your guest's going to be starving, and

you're going to be rubbing down dead
people, but I guess you will.

Hey, go, go, go.

Hey, the two of you, come.

Okay,

the two of you will hand out samples to
the customer when I give them.

Okay? Sounds good.

Be very careful.

This rub is going to increase libido.

Stop being there since I'm a libido.

Is anybody else bringing food?

No, no, this is it.

You're feeding ants?

They said that we should stick to light
refreshment, so the focus is on me and

not the food.

Well, I'm starving already just looking
at it.

What do you find with the cats around?
Oh, they're on their way very soon, eh?

In drawers, they'll be coming.

God, don't!

What is this, rotten eggs?

Oh,

this smells like coke.

And this, halitosis?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no,

no,

no, no, no, no, no, no,

no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Anastasia, I like that smile.

Nobody should.

They didn't even send a text that said
they're not coming.

Money is down the drain.

Hey, Ed, did you do any research on
this?

It says here,

scam. Fossil fuel makes you feel twice
as old as you are. What?

Gail,

do not get involved with fossil fuel.

Not only is it bad for your joint, but
you might end up in the joint.

You would have been better off selling
second -hand underwear.

I don't see this.

This fossil fuel is a pyramid scheme.

How could I have been so foolish?

Effie, in all my years of practicing
law, I've seen this happen many times to

people of our age.

I think you got bamboozled.

Oh, that happened to me once.

I thought I'd married a millionaire come
to find out he's stolen millions from

the casino.

I spent $300 on an online seminar. And
this product?

Yeah, this product here ain't nothing
but some cream and baby oil.

You have to do your due diligence.

I'm sorry that happened to you.

F .A., they prey on people like us. Why
don't you do like I

do? Change your name every so often.

Don't do that.

I didn't expect you to find a word with
all the letters scrambled up.

Where is he?

I texted him hours ago.

I hope it isn't elope.

You know these kids like to do stuff
fast.

You heard from Phillip?

Not yet.

Oh, I returned everything to Candy's
parents, though.

Y 'all didn't realize how small that TV
was until they took that big one, huh?

Look at it.

You can't see it.

Look how little it... Look.

That thing lit. It don't even put out no
light.

It was fun while it lasted.

Yeah.

They seemed a little sad about it, too.

Well, if they want to pay somebody a
couple million to cheer them up, I'd be

more than happy to do that.

Mr. Brown.

What? Oh, okay, I know. The Bible say
the love of money is the root of all

That's right.

But it ain't say nothing about all the
stuff that money can buy.

Like an 8K TV, courtside tickets, all
that stuff.

Mr. Brown.

Anybody, everybody I already know, if
you want to get double your money, you

take it down to Pookies Parlor and you
go parlor.

Y 'all going to just give it right back
to him.

Oh, here, here, here.

Hey, you get hitched?

Mr. Brown, you just cut right to it,
don't you? Yeah, that's what you do.

All right, I didn't get hitched, but I
didn't get ditched.

I didn't know.

Okay, son, it's all right, man.

Ain't that a ditch?

Baby, didn't you say when you know, you
know?

Yeah, well, you can change that to what
you don't know, you don't know.

She texted me saying, sorry, I'm moving
on. And I started with that dumb jock

eye tutor in the Tesla while I was
sitting at the bus stop.

Shut up at the bus stop?

You was at the bus stop? Was you in your
Jesus at the bus stop?

Did you have on a fly outfit at the bus
stop?

I bet you was flying, though.

At the bus stop.

I'm just saying.

Baby.

Like, I can't believe she would just
turn it on and off like a switch like

No, some girls are just out for
themselves.

It didn't cost you nothing, though.

Well, it cost me my heart.

And now I'm going back to a lifestyle
where I have to check the price tags

before I make purchases.

Oh, man.

But as always, lay away.

Can I pay you on Friday and post dated
checks?

Come on, man. I know you for 12 years.

Everybody got jokes, right?

Let me hold something.

That's hilarious.

How am I going to file these words?

Don't match.

Why do you do my baby like that?

I contacted the Better Business Bureau
about that company. Good, F .A. We don't

want anyone else getting scammed like
that. They better leave us old people

alone. They all know how dangerous we
are with a cane and some dentures.

Good news. I contacted an old friend
from the school district, and they need

someone in accounting part -time.

Oh, thank you, Reggie. And I made a
payment plan for my taxes.

So no more burly men in black coming
after me.

Someone left us on the porch for you
from bottle fuel.

Is that a minute, Chesley?

Well, I mean, they didn't lie. They said
they would give me one for free.

Hey,

I got a bridge I want to save.

Come on, my friend, shut up. Some
swampland.

You'll buy anything.

You'll buy snow in the summertime.

Okay, that's true.

That's true.

I can't even lie.

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