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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,080 --> 00:00:05,560 The Look by Roxette 2 00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:21,280 Hitting like a hammer 3 00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:23,880 Never was a quitter 4 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:33,800 My nerves are shot to shit. 5 00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:39,080 I should have called an ambulance. 6 00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:42,320 This is mad. 7 00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:44,160 I'm going to call an ambulance. 8 00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:47,320 I'm fine! Argh, Jesus, Kath! 9 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:50,960 You nearly gave me a heart attack. Sorry. 10 00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:53,000 We've got to sort out that gash. KATH SNIGGERS 11 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:54,640 Oh, grow up! 12 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:57,800 Here, I've got some plasters in my drawer. 13 00:00:57,800 --> 00:00:59,480 It's absolutely pissing out. 14 00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:06,760 Actually, now that I've got you, 15 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:08,440 I wanted to speak to you about Martin... 16 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:09,880 Ah, ah! I need another drink. 17 00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:12,040 Go on, then, make mine a large. 18 00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:15,680 Oh, bloody hell! 19 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:17,320 I've ripped my skirt. 20 00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:19,840 You can pay for that. 21 00:01:19,840 --> 00:01:21,720 Good evening, ladies... 22 00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:23,680 Oh, I'm sorry - good afternoon. 23 00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:25,760 I'm still on Milan time! LADIES GIGGLE 24 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:28,240 I have flown in and come straight here to you 25 00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:30,920 so you can get your hands on the latest fashions from the catwalks. 26 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:34,840 Genuine leather, silk-lined. 27 00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:37,120 You've probably seen these in The Vogue, eh? 28 00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:40,840 I know class when I see it, and you ladies look like a classy bunch, eh? 29 00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:42,400 LAUGHTER 30 00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:44,920 Don't worry, Martin's got your back. 31 00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:48,600 For one day only - it must be the jet lag - for one day only... 32 00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:52,880 Am I going crazy? For one day only, I am giving you these Gucci clutches 33 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:55,520 for 20 quid each, no questions asked. 34 00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:58,080 I'll even throw in one of these Kappa trackie tops 35 00:01:58,080 --> 00:01:59,560 for the old fella. 36 00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:01,800 I mean, I feel like Daley Thompson in mine. 37 00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:05,200 I could smash 100 metres and still go for pints with the lads. 38 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,640 And look at this. LADIES COO 39 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:10,160 That is your actual Nasa technology, yeah. 40 00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:13,400 She knows what I'm talking about, don't you, sweetheart? 41 00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:15,200 How many am I putting you down for? 42 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,080 SHOP MUZAK PLAYS 43 00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:28,800 Hello. 44 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:30,480 Oh, hello. 45 00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:31,760 Veronica. 46 00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:34,200 I'm the owner, and personal stylist. 47 00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:35,600 Ha, ha! 48 00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:38,040 Anything special? I'm just browsing, thank you. 49 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:45,440 Special occasion? 50 00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:46,920 Well, erm... 51 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:49,480 ..yes, actually. 52 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:51,040 I'm going on a date. 53 00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:52,160 Well, maybe not a date. 54 00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:54,080 Oh, God, he probably doesn't even think it's a date. 55 00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:56,040 No, we're just going dancing, no biggie... 56 00:02:56,040 --> 00:02:59,080 Just...just two friends. Just... 57 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:01,640 Just a woman and a very attractive man. That's it. 58 00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:02,920 Oh, good for you. 59 00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:06,760 So, first date. Mm. Oh, I can't even imagine. 60 00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:11,760 I've been happily married to Geoffrey for 31 years. 61 00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:13,800 Yeah. He's a barrister. 62 00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:18,600 Well, he's retired now, but... 63 00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:21,680 He lost his legs on a rogue ski lift, Val-d'Isere. 64 00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:23,320 Christmas '88. Aww. Yeah. 65 00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:25,360 But, no. Oh, no. 66 00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:27,400 Oh, that doesn't stop us. 67 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:29,800 No, I am a very, very lucky woman. 68 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:33,120 Well, he's the lucky one, if I may say. You look incredible. 69 00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:37,160 Oh, well, head-to-toe Pastiche, you see. Always plugging. Oh! 70 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:41,920 But also I should say, erm, I was a semi-pro Latin and ballroom dancer, 71 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:46,480 so I am blessed with a very fast metabolism. Yes. 72 00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:50,160 I was just admiring that snazzy little lilac suit in the window. 73 00:03:50,160 --> 00:03:53,200 You don't have it in my size, do you? What size are you? 74 00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:56,600 12. 75 00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:58,400 I don't think so! 76 00:03:58,400 --> 00:03:59,680 VERONICA LAUGHS 77 00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:02,720 And you're wearing the wrong bra for a start! 78 00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:05,440 No! That's not going to fit across your bust. 79 00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:07,520 It's French sizing. 80 00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:12,120 I don't know where to start, Veronica. 81 00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:14,960 I'm sort of looking for the allure of Princess Di, 82 00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,000 but with the sass of Fergie. 83 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:20,160 Cos, well, for the first time in years 84 00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:21,800 things are starting to look up 85 00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:25,120 and I think I need a wardrobe to showcase the new me. 86 00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:26,720 Do you know what I mean? 87 00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:28,000 No. 88 00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:31,800 But, you know, I get a lot of frumpy middle-aged ladies like you 89 00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:35,440 coming in here, saying "Oh, I feel fat," and, "I feel plain," 90 00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:37,400 you know? Or kind of worthless. 91 00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:40,760 But not you, because you're embracing it. 92 00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:42,080 Thank...you? 93 00:04:42,080 --> 00:04:44,520 Come on, let's get you Pastiched. 94 00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:46,600 This way. 95 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:48,120 TOILET FLUSHES 96 00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:54,360 Listen, soz about the awards do. 97 00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:57,800 I was a little bit pissed and I hadn't eaten. 98 00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:00,480 You bit a man! It was self-defence. 99 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:01,680 SANDY SCOFFS 100 00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:04,160 What's the craic here, anyway? 101 00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:05,440 What do you mean? 102 00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:08,120 Hmm... It's a hotel room, there's a camping stove, 103 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:09,880 a rowing machine and a strimmer. 104 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:12,800 I'm no Kojak, but are you living here? 105 00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:14,320 It's complicated. 106 00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:15,960 Hmm... Not really. 107 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:18,280 They're either your skiddy undies on the floor or they're not. 108 00:05:18,280 --> 00:05:19,800 Fuckin' 'ell! 109 00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:22,160 I'm not as thick as I look, Sandy. Come on... 110 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:23,440 SHE PATS THE SOFA 111 00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:26,160 Come on, have a seat. 112 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:27,600 That's it. Oh... 113 00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:28,800 Steady. 114 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:31,360 Come on, now. OK. Well... 115 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:34,680 ..thing is, me and me wife, Jean, we, erm... 116 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:35,840 Oh, she's chucked you out. 117 00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:37,840 No! No, she's not chucked me out. 118 00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:39,920 We're just having a little break, all right?! 119 00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:41,840 All right. Touchy. 120 00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:43,400 Yeah, well, she has been touchy. 121 00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:45,720 A bit too bloody touchy if you ask me. 122 00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:48,440 Yeah, I caught her red-handed with her tennis coach. 123 00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:50,720 Slip of a lad, he's only 33. 124 00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:52,160 33! Pfft! 125 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:54,880 Fair play to her. 126 00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:56,080 It's my own fault. 127 00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:58,800 I've been that busy trying to sort Diane out at Parker's, 128 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:00,120 I took my eye off the ball. 129 00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:02,440 I wouldn't mind, but she's crap at tennis. 130 00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:04,840 I've told her that for years. Waste of my money. 131 00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:07,920 I've basically been pimping her out. 132 00:06:09,080 --> 00:06:11,160 I'm heartbroken about it, tell you the truth. 133 00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:12,520 Oh, bless you. 134 00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:15,320 Look, while I've got you... 135 00:06:15,320 --> 00:06:18,600 She'll probably go back to being a Hackman now. Who will? 136 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:21,720 Jean, if she divorces me. Hackman's her maiden name. 137 00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:24,040 Nigh-on 30 years we've been together. 138 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:26,640 Jean Hackman?! 139 00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:28,120 Piss off! 140 00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:30,280 Three beautiful kids, two German Shepherds 141 00:06:30,280 --> 00:06:32,720 and a ten-grand conservatory pissed up the wall. 142 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:34,040 Like the film star? 143 00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:35,840 I'm not coping well without her. 144 00:06:35,840 --> 00:06:38,000 Aww! No, no shit, Sandy. 145 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,840 You're living in a scuzzy hotel room. 146 00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:42,960 It friggin' stinks in here. 147 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:45,800 Crack open the window, spray some Glade. 148 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:47,840 Yeah, you're right. You're right! 149 00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:50,120 I don't know why I'm telling you all this. 150 00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:52,520 Well, I've been told I'm a very good listener. 151 00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:54,680 Well, you have to be in my line of work, you see. 152 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:57,360 People just seem to want to open up to me, you know? 153 00:06:57,360 --> 00:06:59,760 They do. They really do. 154 00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:03,040 You know what you need? 155 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:05,680 You need some Sandy time. 156 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:08,200 Now, let me tell you about... No, no, no, no. 157 00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:10,320 Listen, I've said too much already, OK? 158 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:12,960 Just forget about it. Forget about it, OK?! 159 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:17,120 You probably...probably need to be getting off anyway, don't you? 160 00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:19,200 Do...? It's getting late, so.. 161 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:22,400 Oh... 162 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:24,800 Oh, God, Sandy, I've just gone dead dizzy. 163 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:26,920 Oh, no. Should I...? 164 00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:28,960 Should I order us some room service? 165 00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:33,760 Yeah! Yeah, why not, eh? 166 00:07:33,760 --> 00:07:36,800 Yeah! And I can whack us some beans on. 167 00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:38,680 CAMPING STOVE IGNITES Perfect! 168 00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:40,360 SANDY CHUCKLES 169 00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:42,400 Enjoy, thank you very much. 170 00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:45,280 Yes, love? You've gone for red too. Popular colour. 171 00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:46,520 Thank you. Thank you. 172 00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:47,920 Yes, love? 173 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:49,760 Yes, you can. 174 00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:51,040 Here you go. Thank you. 175 00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:56,280 Yeah, I'm going to be here tomorrow, so tell all your friends and family. 176 00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:59,160 Come on, lady. It's catwalk time. 177 00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:01,120 I don't think it's me, Veronica. 178 00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:03,880 That's because you've forgotten who your me is. 179 00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:06,240 I don't think so. I'm coming in. 180 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:10,400 Oh, yes. 181 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:11,840 Stunning! 182 00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:15,760 Now, that would not look out of place at a captain's table. 183 00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:17,320 It's very shiny. 184 00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:24,560 You see the thing is, his ex was very young, very beautiful. 185 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:25,960 Very young. 186 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:28,760 How do I compete with that? 187 00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:30,760 You can't. 188 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,880 I love the fascinator. PHONE RINGS 189 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,080 Oh, sorry, that'll be work. 190 00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:36,560 Oh, I don't get a minute. 191 00:08:40,560 --> 00:08:42,240 Hello. 192 00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:43,640 I can't hear you. 193 00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:46,000 Guess what? Look, is this important, Julie? 194 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:47,320 I'm in the middle of something. 195 00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:49,440 So am I. this is my fourth Mini Milk today. 196 00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:51,280 Tell a lie - fifth. What do you want? 197 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:53,280 Hang on, I wrote it down. Oh, God... 198 00:08:56,880 --> 00:09:00,280 Er, nappies, 20 Silk Cut... 199 00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:02,160 Not that, wrong side. 200 00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:03,800 Er, Kath's been run over. 201 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:06,680 Sandy thinks he's killed her. Oh, my God! Where are they?! 202 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:10,400 Just tell me where they are, Julie! 203 00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:15,720 You're better off without her, Sandy. 204 00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:18,280 Curly fries on tap? It's an absolute dream. 205 00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:21,360 They must have a little machine. 206 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:23,800 Not a patch on Portuguese food, though. 207 00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:25,280 Jean's favourite. 208 00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:27,280 You can get a full English most places. 209 00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:30,800 The bacon's a bit ropey, but the eggs are like nectar. 210 00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:34,680 Jean won't have her egg touch her beans, you know? 211 00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:36,560 No, no, no, she's very funny about it. 212 00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:39,480 We need to build a sausage wall. Hmm. 213 00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:43,880 I bet you do. We like this one place in Vilamoura - The Copper Kettle. 214 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:46,160 They have a brilliant singer on, woman from Keswick. 215 00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:48,640 She does Bassey, she does Tina Turner. 216 00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:50,360 We get up, we have a boogie. 217 00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:51,760 Aw, I love dancing, me. 218 00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:53,120 I miss her so much. 219 00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:54,680 Who, the woman from Keswick? 220 00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:56,240 No! Jean! 221 00:09:57,640 --> 00:10:00,840 Do you know what? You've surprised me, Sandy. 222 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:05,240 I've seen a lovely, tender side to you today. It's very caring. 223 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:08,160 But let's be honest - you can be a proper bastard. 224 00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:11,320 Well, you've surprised me and all, if you don't mind me saying. 225 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:14,600 You're a lovely woman, Kath. 226 00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:17,320 Not my cup of tea but, er... 227 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:19,600 Hey, every pan has its lid. 228 00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:23,120 And I think Martin's been a bastard to you, and Diane. Mm. 229 00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:25,960 Speaking of Martin... 230 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:30,080 ..I really need you to give him a job, Sandy. 231 00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:32,000 Pff, over my dead body! 232 00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:33,720 But he's changed. Poppycock! 233 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,520 A man like him'll never change. 234 00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:38,560 He threatened me with a 9-iron this morning. Did you know that? 235 00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:39,840 No, I didn't. 236 00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:42,240 But other than that... 237 00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:44,320 No. He's finished round here. 238 00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:46,480 I just need you to give him a... 239 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:52,800 Actually... Yeah, actually I am doing this for you and for Jean. 240 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:54,360 Do you want her back or what? 241 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:56,440 What's my Jean got to do with Martin Parker? 242 00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:59,440 Well, you said yourself that you took your eye off the ball. 243 00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:01,160 Jean's the ball. 244 00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:03,800 You need to spend less time working 245 00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:06,400 and more time playing with your ball - 246 00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:08,560 with Jean, yeah? 247 00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:12,720 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, maybe. 248 00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:15,920 Ahh. Anyway, look, you've drunk me dry! 249 00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:18,880 Sod it, I'm going to order some more booze. 250 00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:21,520 This has been just what I needed today. 251 00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:24,080 Get some more curly fries while you're at it. 252 00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:26,360 And then, we will chat again later. 253 00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:29,880 Kelly-Sue, it's Sandy in 106. 254 00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:32,360 Can we get some more curly fries, please? 255 00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:34,120 Oh! Oh... 256 00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:37,000 Excuse me. My sister, Kath Pennington, 257 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,200 she's been in an accident. Is she still here? 258 00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:44,560 We've no accidents listed, 259 00:11:44,560 --> 00:11:47,840 unless she was here last week on a stag do 260 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:51,000 and singed her testicles on a trouser press. 261 00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:54,320 Well, what about a Mr Sandy Cooper? Is he here? 262 00:11:58,440 --> 00:11:59,800 Cooper... 263 00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:01,040 Come on. 264 00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:03,280 Room 106. 265 00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:06,520 Thank you! And don't fiddle with the trouser press! 266 00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:08,080 No! 267 00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:11,360 Wahey! 268 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:13,800 Kath, power's on, we're back in business. 269 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:16,360 And I have got some fantastic news. 270 00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:19,760 I've just gone and got myself an executive sales role. 271 00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:21,760 There's going to be big money in this. 272 00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:25,520 Oh, and I've taken one of Joe O'Leary's sexy pills to celebrate, 273 00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:27,920 so prepare yourself, chicken. ANSWER MACHINE BEEPS 274 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:29,160 Chicken? 275 00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:32,000 You have two new messages. 276 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:35,760 Oi, Martin where's my minibus? You're a cheeky twa... 277 00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:37,720 Message deleted. 278 00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:41,320 Hiya, Mr Parker - Martin. Still can't get used to calling you that. 279 00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:42,640 Kath...?! 280 00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:45,120 Diane told me to ring you to tell you that Sandy's run Kath over... 281 00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:48,240 What?! She might be dead, but we don't quite know yet. 282 00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:50,720 At the Grand Hotel. That's what I've written down. 283 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:52,600 Shit! I really hope he hasn't killed her, 284 00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:54,280 I do like Kath, but that's all I know. 285 00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:55,720 Diane's on her way now. 286 00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:57,760 OK, Mr Parker... Martin! 287 00:12:57,760 --> 00:12:59,760 Oh, it's Julie, by the way. Thank you. 288 00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:01,120 ANSWER MACHINE BEEPS 289 00:13:01,120 --> 00:13:03,200 For some reason I can't get Granada, 290 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,960 but other than that, it's a cracking picture. 291 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,000 Well, you know who's good with tellies... 292 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:10,560 KNOCK AT DOOR Oh, that'll be the room service. 293 00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:12,000 Do you mind getting that, love? 294 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:14,120 It's just the old waterworks aren't what they were. 295 00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:16,760 FRANTIC KNOCKING Right, I'm coming, I'm coming. 296 00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:18,720 I'm coming, OK. 297 00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:20,640 Hi! Oh! Oh, thank God. 298 00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:23,960 Oh, I thought you were dead! Oh, God, I've been worried sick! 299 00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:26,560 Will you keep your voice down? Sandy's on the bog. 300 00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:29,120 Look at you! You look fabulous. 301 00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:31,200 You look so shiny. I love your little hat. 302 00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:33,600 Are you hurt? Are you OK? Oh, my God, your head. 303 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:36,600 Sandy told Julie he'd run you over. Yes, well, he did, but I'm fine. 304 00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:39,240 I'm just milking it now to try and get Martin a job. 305 00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:41,200 What?! I don't know what you were moaning about, Diane. 306 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:42,640 He's dead nice. I think you're concussed. 307 00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:44,400 TOILET FLUSHES You're going to have to go. What? 308 00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:46,880 I'm going to give it one last crack. No! Please. Come on... 309 00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:49,120 Oh, Diane! 310 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:51,280 Come in, come in. The more the merrier! 311 00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:54,000 Hey, where are you going? You look like you're off to the Oscars. 312 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,320 Julie called me. False alarm, I'm afraid. 313 00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:57,800 Oh, Sandy, you're leathered. 314 00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:00,600 We did have a bit of an accident, didn't we, Kath? 315 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:03,840 but look at her - she's fine! SANDY GIGGLES 316 00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:06,320 Hey, I don't know what you've been moaning about, Diane. 317 00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:08,240 This little one's a breath of fresh air. 318 00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:09,960 Aww, cheers, mate! 319 00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:13,400 Come on, you need to leave. Please. I didn't even realise until today... 320 00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:15,920 Go on. ..how much I needed to let my hair down. 321 00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:18,480 I've let everything get on top of me. 322 00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:21,520 And I think, on reflection, 323 00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:23,440 I may have been a bit hard on you, Diane. 324 00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:25,880 See? But hey, we've got more drinks coming! 325 00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:27,160 Let's get the music on... 326 00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:28,880 Gypsy Woman by Crystal Waters 327 00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:30,360 ..and push this bed back. 328 00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:32,440 What you doing, Kath? Oh, are we having a boogie? 329 00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:34,320 Keep the cardi on. Come on, Sandy. 330 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:35,600 Keep that cardi on! 331 00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:38,680 And then we can finish our chat from earlier. Woo! 332 00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:41,040 Are you getting up? Hey! Come on, snake hips. 333 00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:43,920 Ah, ah, ah! I'll warn you now, I'm not much of a dancer. 334 00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:46,320 Jean says I dance like a dog on lino. 335 00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:48,760 Jean sounds like a knob, to be fair. Hey! Sorry... 336 00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:50,280 Come on, Diane. 337 00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:51,920 No, I'm fine over here, thank you. 338 00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:53,320 She said she's fine. 339 00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:57,480 Hey, I can tell who the fun sister is. 340 00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,720 That's me. Maybe you should come and work at the shop. 341 00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:01,560 Oh, not me. Maybe Martin? 342 00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:07,280 No. 343 00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:09,280 No. Fuck off. 344 00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:12,720 Oh, I say! Come on. 345 00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:13,880 No, Diane, no! 346 00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:19,640 I am looking for Kath Pennington. 347 00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:23,640 Hello? 348 00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:25,920 LAUGHTER Woo! 349 00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:27,480 Like a little matador. 350 00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,400 Do you do this in Portugal? 351 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:34,000 Sandy Cooper's just run over my missus. 352 00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:35,400 SHE SIGHS 353 00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:36,760 106. 354 00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:38,640 106. Thank you. 355 00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:40,000 Woohoo! 356 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:41,800 Hey, making your mind up! 357 00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:44,640 Whoo! Sandy! LAUGHTER 358 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:51,360 singing for money 359 00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:55,480 La da dee la dee da 360 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:00,680 DOOR OPENS 361 00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:03,280 What the hell's this?! 362 00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:09,080 MUSIC SILENCES Oh, hello, Parker! 363 00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:10,720 Come to have another pop, have you? 364 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:11,960 What the hell are you doing here? 365 00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:14,040 Julie told me you were dead. She's not dead. 366 00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:15,760 She's not dead! I'm not dead. 367 00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:17,360 Yeah, I can bloody well see that. 368 00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:19,040 You look like a Quality Street. 369 00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:20,240 It's Pastiche. 370 00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:22,800 Oh, shit, you've still got the tag on. Oh, God, I didn't pay! 371 00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:24,640 What are you doing here, Parker? 372 00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:26,200 Did you not learn your lesson this morning? 373 00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:27,760 Yeah, I heard about your ding-dong. 374 00:16:27,760 --> 00:16:29,040 Yeah, all right, I had a ding-dong. 375 00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:31,360 Why? Because I found out about his plans. 376 00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:33,360 Here we go. Plans? What plans? 377 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:36,280 He's rebranding the shops. He wants to kill off Parker's. 378 00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:38,080 "Coopers & Co." Tell her. Tell her. 379 00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:39,480 Tell me what? 380 00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:41,760 The name Parker, it's toxic round here. 381 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:43,680 When were you going to tell me this, Sandy?! 382 00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:45,560 We're supposed to be partners. Coopers & Co? 383 00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:47,640 Sounds like Legs & Co. Quiet, Kath. 384 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,400 Don't you talk to her like that! You what? 385 00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:51,400 You need to leave, Martin! You should leave. 386 00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:54,200 Oh, should I? Yeah. Well, this is my room. 387 00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:55,920 He's living here now. Jean's chucked him out. What? 388 00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:57,760 She's having it off with a tennis player. 389 00:16:57,760 --> 00:16:59,720 MARTIN LAUGHS I don't blame her. 390 00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:02,840 It's just a blip. Well, I'm very angry about Coopers & Co, Sandy, 391 00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:06,240 but you and Jean? Well, I'm shocked. 392 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:08,840 Well she was only bragging about her new dado rails last time I saw her. 393 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:10,200 I'd never have guessed. 394 00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:11,520 Get your hands off my wife, Cooper! 395 00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:13,920 Your wife?! That ship's sailed, Martin. 396 00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:16,240 Your bloody wife?! Jealous are we, Martin? 397 00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:19,040 Of you? Yes, of me. I don't think so. 398 00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:21,760 This is a hilarious man. 399 00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:23,440 Well, your girlfriend thinks I am. 400 00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:25,840 We've had a wonderful afternoon, haven't we, Kath? 401 00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:28,880 Yeah, and then your wife joined us. We've had a right laugh. 402 00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:30,280 What the hell, Kath? 403 00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:33,280 I wasn't having a laugh. I was trying to get you a job. 404 00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:36,960 What? I thought that we were having a nice time. 405 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:38,160 Were you? 406 00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:42,320 Not really. I thought we were. 407 00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:44,840 Bloody hell, Kath. Sandy Cooper?! 408 00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:46,120 I was doing it for you. 409 00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:47,840 I was trying to get you back into Parker's. 410 00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:49,600 We need the money, Diane needs the help. 411 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:51,360 I don't need any help, thank you. 412 00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:53,480 Yes, you do. You're having a terrible time, 413 00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:56,240 you think Sandy's a dick. Yeah, well, everybody does. 414 00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:58,720 What...? What's that? Hey? Oh! Oh! 415 00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:00,960 This better not be because of Diane's dress! 416 00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:03,640 No, no, it's not that. Oh, Christ Almighty... 417 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:05,880 I took one of Joe O'Leary's arthritis pills, for you. I see... 418 00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:06,960 I see what's going on here... 419 00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:09,040 Well, it hasn't worked, it's made you stiffer. 420 00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:11,520 I don't mind what you lot get up to behind closed doors, 421 00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:13,280 but you're not bringing it in here. 422 00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:16,400 I will not have another man's erection in my room. Come on! 423 00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:19,080 How dare you?! I've never had a man's erection in any room... 424 00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:21,080 Get out! You're bloody tapped, you. And you. Come on! 425 00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:23,520 No, no. Get out! Sandy, please! 426 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:25,080 THUD! 427 00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:26,360 Oh, my God! 428 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,360 Sandy? 429 00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:36,920 You-you can get up now, Sandy. 430 00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:39,360 I know where he keeps the plasters. Sandy? 431 00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:40,760 Sandy? 432 00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:44,720 Sandy? He's just pissed as a fart. Let him sleep it off. 433 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,520 He's not breathing. Ooh. 434 00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:49,080 Why isn't he breathing? 435 00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:52,880 Oh, shit the bed. 436 00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:56,040 Yeah, he's dead. Whaa, he's dead. 437 00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:57,280 Well, someone call an ambulance! 438 00:18:57,280 --> 00:18:59,800 Well, unless they can do some voodoo shit and conjure him back 439 00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:01,760 from the dead, it's a waste of time, Diane. Trust me, 440 00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:03,760 I know a dead body when I see one, and that's a dead body! 441 00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:06,120 Well, we should check, shouldn't we? Just double check, for God's sake. 442 00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:08,720 THWACK! 443 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:11,360 No. 444 00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:13,000 Dead as a door knob. 445 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,480 RIP, fella. Oh, my God, we're all going to hell. 446 00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:18,360 All of us. All right, nobody panic! Let me think! 447 00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:20,000 This is all your fault, Kath. 448 00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:22,640 How's it my fault? It's your fault. 449 00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:24,080 No, it's your fault. You're a fucking nightmare. 450 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:25,880 You should have left when I told you. 451 00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:27,720 So you could seduce him?! Seduce who? Sandy? 452 00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:29,880 She plied him with drink... He plied himself. 453 00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:32,000 What the hell were you seducing Sandy for, Kath? 454 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,640 She took her cardi off. Holy God, Kath! 455 00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:37,240 How many times? I was trying to get you a job! 456 00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:38,600 I have a job! 457 00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:41,320 No! No, you don't, Martin, because you walked out on Bev. 458 00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:43,000 I know everything. Everything! 459 00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:44,920 I have a new job. Eh? In fashion. 460 00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:47,440 Yeah. Brilliant new job, headhunted. 461 00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:48,920 Things are looking up, Kath. 462 00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:51,480 How the hell are things looking up Martin? Sandy's dead! 463 00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:52,880 He's dead on the floor. 464 00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:54,480 Urgh, I can see blood. 465 00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:56,840 There's blood on the carpet. MARTIN RETCHES 466 00:19:56,840 --> 00:19:58,000 I can't look. 467 00:19:58,000 --> 00:19:59,400 DIANE SHUDDERS 468 00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:05,840 Poor Sandy. 469 00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:08,120 He didn't deserve this. 470 00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:11,760 We didn't always see eye to eye, but he didn't deserve this. 471 00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:13,880 He was very misunderstood. 472 00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:17,360 Well, I hate to speak ill of the dead, but he was a wanker. 473 00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:19,280 Martin! Martin! Well, he was. KNOCK AT DOOR 474 00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:22,040 They're on to us. What are we going to do? 475 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:24,560 KNOCK AT DOOR Room service. 476 00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:26,440 It might be a trap. 477 00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:28,040 It's the curly fries. Shhh! 478 00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:33,520 Martin, you and your erection need to pretend to be Sandy. 479 00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:35,040 Yeah, well that moment's long gone. 480 00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:37,320 Go on, do Sandy. Do it! What? Just do it! 481 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:38,640 KNOCK AT DOOR 482 00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:41,840 Could you just leave it at the door, please? 483 00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:43,960 I've just come out of the shower. 484 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:45,760 CROCKERY CLINKS OUTSIDE 485 00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:47,560 That was nothing like him. 486 00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:49,320 I could have done better than that. 487 00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:51,880 All right. I'm not Mike bastard Yarwood! 488 00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:54,920 And there's only me here! Sandy Cooper. 489 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:57,720 Just me, all on my own... 490 00:20:57,720 --> 00:21:00,040 I think they've gone. Oh, God. 491 00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:04,760 Should we try CPR? 492 00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:06,440 I'm not mouth-to-mouthing. 493 00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:08,400 Well, you seemed eager enough earlier on. 494 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:11,560 He is dead, Martin. You cannot be jealous of a corpse. 495 00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:13,800 Oh, my God, this can't be happening. 496 00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:15,880 What are we going to do? What am I going to tell Jean? 497 00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:18,320 You're not telling anybody anything! You need to calm down, Di. 498 00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:21,360 Calm down? How the hell am I supposed to calm down? 499 00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:23,400 One minute he's dancing to Gypsy Woman, 500 00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:25,560 the next he's face-first on a trouser press. 501 00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:26,920 We need to get a wriggle on. Yeah. 502 00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:29,360 Give it half an hour he's going to be stinking - 503 00:21:29,360 --> 00:21:32,720 shit and snot everywhere. He is going to go off like a firework. 504 00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:34,120 Ugh... 505 00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:35,760 Oh, shit, the curly fries! 506 00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:43,320 Whoa! Argh! 507 00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:45,400 I see you're a fan of the curly fry. Oh, yeah. 508 00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:47,520 But quick heads up - don't order the cod. 509 00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:50,320 Very disappointing. The batter was way too soggy, wasn't it, Gill? 510 00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:52,320 THUMPS AND GROANS And it had been nowhere near a fish, 511 00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:54,840 never even seen a fish, no fish in it. Just soggy batter on a plate. 512 00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:57,200 MOANS And this is a so-called three-star. 513 00:21:57,200 --> 00:21:59,360 We complained. Oh, yeah... 514 00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:03,120 Got a free portion of the curlies and a caramel apple granny each. 515 00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:05,480 Well done. MOANS AND THUMPS INTENSIFY 516 00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:07,640 Is your room all right? Yeah it's great. 517 00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:09,720 MARTIN, Wait, wait, wait, wait... 518 00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:11,520 We're not very happy, if we're honest. 519 00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:14,640 Mould on the shower curtain, which is giving my asthma some gyp. 520 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:16,120 OK. Well, lovely to chat. 521 00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:17,880 Yeah. Don't let us stop you, love. 522 00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:20,720 OK. See ya! See ya! 523 00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:22,240 See ya. See ya. 524 00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:24,880 GROANS AND THUMPS Bye! 525 00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:27,600 Bye. 526 00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:28,760 Oh, God. 527 00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:32,000 Having a nice chitchat out there, were you? 528 00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:33,880 We've been shitting bricks in here. 529 00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:36,440 Sorry, some fella and his wife have been wanging on about fish. 530 00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:37,880 I couldn't get away. 531 00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:40,560 I don't know what it is, people just seem to want to open up to me... 532 00:22:42,120 --> 00:22:45,480 Where's Sandy? Well, where do you think he is, Einstein? 533 00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:49,080 KATH GASPS 534 00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:51,840 I've been wrapping up a corpse like he's a chippy tea. 535 00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:53,720 No. No. 536 00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:57,400 We can't carry him out in a duvet. 537 00:22:57,400 --> 00:22:59,840 If that goes missing they will not be very happy. 538 00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:01,440 Martin, do you not remember the time 539 00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:04,560 that I nicked a dressing gown from Llandudno? I got done for that! 540 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:06,240 No, they're very, very strict about these things. 541 00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:07,880 I think that's the least of our worries. 542 00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:09,000 We'll take him out the back way. 543 00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:10,920 Oh, God, I'm a grandmother for crying out loud. 544 00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:12,160 Yeah, and I'm a grandfather. 545 00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:13,960 Yeah, and I'm a step nana. Not the same. 546 00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:16,640 No, I can't get involved in this. Sorry, no way. No way! 547 00:23:18,080 --> 00:23:19,920 We could cut him up. 548 00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:21,400 We'll take him out piece by piece. 549 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:24,160 We can shove him in the pillowcases, they don't give a shit about them. 550 00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:25,680 Don't be so stupid. 551 00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:27,480 All right, clever dick, what's your plan? 552 00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:30,720 Call the police! No. It's what we should have done straight away. 553 00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:32,720 We need to call them up and tell the truth. 554 00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:34,080 And what is the truth, Di? 555 00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:36,960 You and your sister in a hotel room 556 00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:39,640 dirty dancing with a pissed-up dead man? No. 557 00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:41,520 It was an accident, he fell! 558 00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:43,800 Nobody will believe this was an accident. 559 00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:45,440 Nobody. 560 00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:48,280 He publicly shafted you at the awards. 561 00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:51,480 And Kath here's been ordering curly fries willy-nilly. 562 00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:54,920 The two of you are all over this. 563 00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:56,320 Yeah, what about you? 564 00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:58,440 You attacked him at the golf club. 565 00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:02,800 Right, you keep watch. 566 00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:04,920 You grab the feet end. Oh, God. 567 00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:06,200 Come on. 568 00:24:10,440 --> 00:24:12,160 Wait, wait, wait. Wait. 569 00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:16,440 OK, coast is clear. Coast is clear. OK, go, go, go. 570 00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:18,120 Slow down! Jesus wept! 571 00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:19,960 Oh, hi! Hi, hi... 572 00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:21,560 Oh, hi! Hi! 573 00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:24,120 After more curly fries, are you, love? Yeah! 574 00:24:24,120 --> 00:24:26,520 Uh, what was the name of that pudding? 575 00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:29,000 Caramel apple granny? Caramel apple granny, that's the one. 576 00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:30,920 Beautiful. Amazing. Yeah. 577 00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:33,000 You can have it hot or cold... Ohh! 578 00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:38,440 This is a nightmare. 579 00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:40,040 A waking nightmare. 580 00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:41,760 DIANE SNIFFS 581 00:24:41,760 --> 00:24:43,480 Oh, God, can you smell that? 582 00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:45,120 THEY SNIFF Oh, no. 583 00:24:45,120 --> 00:24:46,520 Is he starting to go? 584 00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:47,920 Oh, dear God. 585 00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:49,280 Sorry, that was me. Huh? 586 00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:51,960 We had beans. 587 00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:53,400 MOBILE PHONE RINGS 588 00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:55,040 Oh, that's his phone. Nobody move. 589 00:24:57,920 --> 00:24:59,600 RINGING STOPS 590 00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:01,040 Oh, God. 591 00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:03,400 DIANE'S PHONE RINGS Don't answer that. 592 00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:05,520 Diane, get it, get it! It could be Dad. 593 00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:07,760 Oh, just bloody leave it! Just leave it. Martin! 594 00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:13,480 Hello? 595 00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:16,000 Is Sandy with you? He's not answering his phone. No. 596 00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:19,000 Why would he be with me? Why would I be with Sandy? 597 00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:20,560 Can I help you, Julie? 598 00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:23,240 Not really. I need Sandy. I'll try him again. No! 599 00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:24,920 Don't try Sandy again! 600 00:25:26,120 --> 00:25:28,760 What do you want, Julie? I need the day off next Wednesday. 601 00:25:28,760 --> 00:25:30,800 Yep, no problem, all sorted. Oh. 602 00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:32,480 Do you not need to know why? Nope. Found it... 603 00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:35,240 Should I not square it with Sandy? No, definitely not! 604 00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:38,800 The thing is, woman who does water births is popping round to yours 605 00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:40,240 with a paddling pool... 606 00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:41,600 BEEP! 607 00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:45,800 Are they on to us? No! 608 00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:47,600 We need to get a move on. 609 00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:51,880 We could use the strimmer? 610 00:25:51,880 --> 00:25:53,440 That's a hedge trimmer. 611 00:25:57,440 --> 00:25:59,480 I've got a better idea. 612 00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:01,720 VEHICLE REVERSING BEEPS 613 00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:08,560 So if I get him just at the right angle, I can just plop him in. 614 00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:09,800 Bull's-eye. 615 00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:11,960 This doesn't feel right. 616 00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:14,520 A skip? We chuck out the body, 617 00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:17,280 then we get rid of every trace of us from this room 618 00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:19,680 and then we get back to normal, yes? Normal? 619 00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:21,440 How do we ever get back to normal? 620 00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:28,240 Fine! 621 00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:30,880 But can we at least say a little prayer? Oh, if you like. 622 00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:38,320 Does anyone know a prayer? No! 623 00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:40,840 One, two, and wait for three... 624 00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:42,360 That's how accidents happen. 625 00:26:42,360 --> 00:26:43,760 One, two, three... 626 00:26:43,760 --> 00:26:47,160 THEY GRUNT AND STARIN 627 00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:48,400 One more. 628 00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:49,880 One, two, three... 629 00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:51,200 One more. 630 00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:55,240 THUNK! 631 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:15,480 My stomach is in knots. 632 00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:17,160 Excuse me while I use the en suite. 633 00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:19,240 STOMACH GURGLES Oh. Oh! 634 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:21,320 I didn't want to say anything in front of Diane, 635 00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:23,480 because you know how she panics, and that just makes me want to panic 636 00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:25,200 and now I just want to cry. 637 00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:26,760 We're in deep shit, aren't we? 638 00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:29,200 Oh, chicken, I promise I'll sort this 639 00:27:29,200 --> 00:27:30,880 so that you and me are OK. 640 00:27:30,880 --> 00:27:32,520 We're not OK, Martin. Trust me. 641 00:27:34,360 --> 00:27:37,760 Friggin' hell. This is so bad! 642 00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:40,640 Yeah. We just need to get our stories straight. 643 00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:43,120 Yeah, that's what we'll do. 644 00:27:43,120 --> 00:27:46,840 We'll get our stories straight so that you and me are in the clear. 645 00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:52,120 What about Diane? She didn't do anything. It was an accident. 646 00:27:52,120 --> 00:27:56,240 Hmm. She was kind of grabbing at him, remember? 647 00:27:56,240 --> 00:27:57,680 TOILET FLUSHES But he fell. 648 00:27:57,680 --> 00:27:59,520 He honestly fell, you saw it. Yes. 649 00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:02,720 But that was after she had been plying him with drink. 650 00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:04,840 Yeah, that's the story. 651 00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:08,000 But she wasn't. Oh, for God's sake, Kath - meet me halfway. 652 00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:09,640 Listen to what I'm saying to you. 653 00:28:09,640 --> 00:28:10,840 We weren't even here. 654 00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:13,400 We were at home celebrating my new job, remember? 655 00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:15,720 This has nothing to do with us... 656 00:28:15,720 --> 00:28:17,240 DIANE SIGHS All right, Di? 657 00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:20,520 Just gave the sink a quick once-over. 658 00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:23,200 Lord knows when it last had a deep clean. Filthy. 659 00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:26,400 Now, remember - we've all got to get back to normal 660 00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:29,200 and do not draw attention to ourselves. So, OK... 661 00:28:30,120 --> 00:28:32,080 I'll go back to Mick's and get some new stock. 662 00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:33,480 What about you, Kath? 663 00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:35,720 Oh, er... I could... I could go to Dad's. 664 00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:39,240 Very good. Di? Well, I'm going to Copacabana's with Vinnie. 665 00:28:39,240 --> 00:28:40,720 Copaca... 666 00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:42,800 Vinnie Hayes? Maybe I should cancel. 667 00:28:42,800 --> 00:28:44,960 No, don't do that. 668 00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:46,680 It's too late. It would lead to questions. 669 00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:49,960 Just go, but don't get too cosy with him. 670 00:28:49,960 --> 00:28:53,120 Why not? Just be careful who you trust. 671 00:28:53,120 --> 00:28:54,360 Right. 672 00:28:54,360 --> 00:28:57,080 Don't worry, I've got you. 673 00:28:57,080 --> 00:28:59,880 We're family, we're in this together. Right? 674 00:29:01,400 --> 00:29:04,360 Fine. Thank you, Martin. 50472

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