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This programme contains
some strong language
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00:00:03,600 --> 00:00:05,520
..this side of the Pennines.
That's the power of Parker.
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It's all about image in my game...
4
00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:09,560
People look up to you, you know,
they've got
5
00:00:09,560 --> 00:00:12,200
a lot of respect for you.
How dare you vandalise the Merc!
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Martin Parker,
Parker's Electricals.
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Sleeping with two sisters,
from the same family.
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Bloody hell, Di...
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Let's run away together.
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What about Diane?
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He's my husband.
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He thinks you're disgusting.
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Yeah!
Cos I paid for those ears!
14
00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:31,000
Oh, here he is, the gobshite who
can't keep his mucky hands
15
00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:32,880
off both my daughters.
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I think I hate him.
I hate him, if you hate him. I do.
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Sisters.
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You could force him out.
19
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You'd own Parker's outright.
20
00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:42,400
It's too late, Martin.
21
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We're in charge now.
22
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I'm no good to anyone.
23
00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:49,200
Everyone would be
better off without me.
24
00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:55,000
Lucky Panda Banquet for Two.
25
00:00:57,800 --> 00:00:59,400
Enjoy this trip.
26
00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:01,160
Enjoy this trip.
27
00:01:01,160 --> 00:01:03,000
And it is a trip.
28
00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:08,280
The countdown is progressing.
29
00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:12,880
Uno, dos, uno dos tres, quatro.
30
00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:32,400
now, ooh
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now, ooh
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now, ooh
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now, ooh
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b-bep bep
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Just before you go guys,
I want to say thank you.
36
00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:02,080
A brilliant day again today.
37
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The figures speak for themselves,
I couldn't be happier.
38
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:07,240
You look nice, Mrs Parker.
What you all dressed up for?
39
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The do! What do?
40
00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:11,760
The Stockport Trade Awards,
you put it in my diary.
41
00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:13,920
It's none of my business what you
and Sandy get up to.
42
00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:16,360
Julie, you're our secretary!
43
00:02:16,360 --> 00:02:18,000
Well, it sounds fancy,
whatever it is.
44
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Sounds shit.
It is NOT shit, thank you.
45
00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:23,280
Sandy says it's the biggest
event in the business calendar.
46
00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:26,240
Anyone who's anyone'll be there.
What, like celebrities and that?
47
00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:27,760
There won't be
celebrities around here.
48
00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:28,960
Might be.
49
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:30,360
Gary's mum saw Trevor McDonald
50
00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:32,160
queueing up for verruca socks
in Boots.
51
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:33,720
Wasn't he, Gary? Eh?
52
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:36,040
Wasn't Trevor McDonald buying
verruca socks in Boots?!
53
00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:39,160
Yeah. Two packs. She said he puts
that posh voice on for the telly.
54
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:40,520
He's a Geordie in real life.
55
00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:43,280
Well, I don't think there'll be any
celebrities there per se,
56
00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:45,320
probably just your local dignitaries
and whatnot.
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But you know, I'm quite excited.
58
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And just a little bit nervous!
59
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In case, you know....
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In case what?
Well, in case we win.
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00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:56,080
Hmm. See, I reckon smart money's
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00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:58,880
on the satellite dish lads
from Woodley.
63
00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:01,160
Oh, well, yes,
they've had a very good year.
64
00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:02,680
Dishes everywhere.
But you never know.
65
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Oh...
You'd have to do a speech, Mum.
66
00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:08,120
Oh, yes, eek!
But it'll just be a...
67
00:03:08,120 --> 00:03:10,640
A few words, couple of thank yous,
nothing to get stressed about.
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I'd be bricking it.
All those people gawping at me,
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00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:17,120
wishing they'd won instead of me,
hating me, wishing I was dead.
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00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:19,720
Thank you, Julie!
And imagine if you don't win.
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Embarrassing.
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What's the point?
It's a waste of a night.
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Nah, not for me,
I'd rather stay at home, thanks.
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00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:27,080
Yeah, would you?
PHONE RINGS
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Hey, Tom.
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What have I said?
Hands off, not in the store.
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We are not a dance hall!
Dance Hall...
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How old?
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GIGGLING
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Julie? What? Phone!
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I've not finished my cupcake.
I've not finished MY cupcake.
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Thank you
for calling
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Parkers Power and Electricals.
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We've been selling top quality
electrical goods for...
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Cheapest prices this side
of the Pennines.
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00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:54,720
That's the power of Parker.
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00:03:57,320 --> 00:04:00,360
Look, he's not even
moved from that settee, has he?!
88
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Here, make yourself useful...
Oh... There you go.
89
00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:06,120
Watch this, Craig, eh?
90
00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:08,840
Nearly breaks his bastard back,
piss funny!
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00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:14,840
I mean, who wears flippers
on a kiddies roundabout? Rigged!
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00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:19,400
Martin! What?
93
00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:21,000
Ashtray! What?
94
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:24,160
I haven't got time to be hoovering
around, after you, I'm already late.
95
00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:26,040
Late for what? Where you going?
96
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Dad's.
Well, that won't take all night.
97
00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:32,240
Yeah, and then I've got
a bit of work...stuff.
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00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:35,600
What, tonight?
I've rented us Backdraft.
99
00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:38,320
God sake, Kath, we've
been on a waiting list for this.
100
00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:41,560
It's fine. You two watch it.
I've got to go, I promised.
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Who'd you promise?
102
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Nelly.
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00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:48,080
Nelly? Who's Nelly? You've never
mentioned a Nelly before.
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00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:51,080
I have, Nelly...Gleeson.
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Talked about her loads.
106
00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:54,680
Well, why's she having her hair
done late at night?
107
00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:56,520
Just because she's...
108
00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:58,600
She's having her cataract
done in the morning,
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and she wants to look right.
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Right? You're too soft, Kath, you
let them walk all over you.
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00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:04,800
And we need tea bags.
112
00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:13,160
Hey, I hope this Nelly Gleeson's
paying you an out-of-hour rate.
113
00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:14,840
They're threatening to
turn off our leccy.
114
00:05:14,840 --> 00:05:17,040
Well, what are you doing about it?
115
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I told you I'm waiting for Jonesy to
get back to me, he'll come through.
116
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Well, none of the others did.
117
00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:23,320
For God's sake,
I'm doing me bloody best, Kath.
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Are you? You're too bloody picky,
that's your problem.
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Am I, hell? I'm Martin Parker.
I can't do any ole job, can I?
120
00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:33,080
Well, you're going to have to,
cos we need the money.
121
00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:35,600
I've told you Bev's always wanting
to take people on at the home.
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She'll sort us out.
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00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:39,880
The home? As if! I have some
standards, thank you.
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See? Too picky.
125
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Right, enjoy your film.
126
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Daily Mail gave it five stars.
Your loss.
127
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Love you.
128
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Ah, you too.
129
00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:07,480
Oh, God, Alison, you gave me
the fright of my life!
130
00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:10,600
Sorry, Mrs P. Kim.
Can you give us a lift home, Mum?
131
00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:12,760
Kim's lost her bus pass again.
132
00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:14,600
Oh, love, I've not got time.
133
00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:16,120
It's the Stockport Trade Awards
tonight,
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00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:17,240
I did put it on the family calendar.
135
00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:20,600
Oh, well, I'm sorry if that's more
important to you than our safety.
136
00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:22,160
That's not what I said.
137
00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:24,480
Look, I'm running late as it is,
I'm going to miss the beginning.
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00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:27,960
Fine, we'll walk all the way home
through the park in the dark,
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00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:30,880
past the winos.
Hope we don't sex trafficked.
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00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:32,320
Fine, get in.
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00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:38,920
DOORBELL RINGS
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Hello! Oh, God! I'm just using
your loo, Mr Parker.
143
00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:44,280
Hi, Dad.
You all right, son, how was work?
144
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Yeah. Same old shit.
145
00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:47,560
RETCHING UPSTAIRS
146
00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:50,720
Julie's rough as.
Dodgy Scotch Egg, Mr Parker.
147
00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:53,440
Yeah, cos you scoffed
a pack of 12 on the way here.
148
00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:56,720
Baby likes Scotch Eggs, Tom!
She's eating like a pig.
149
00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:58,440
I can hear you, knobhead!
150
00:06:58,440 --> 00:07:00,440
Oh, er...
Cheers for looking after him.
151
00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:04,400
He's no bother. He loves spending
time with his Grandpops, don't you?
152
00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:06,520
No, put that away.
Things aren't that bad.
153
00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:10,720
I know, but we really appreciate it.
We'd be lost without you,
154
00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:12,480
wouldn't we?
Oh, that was close.
155
00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:14,360
Yeah. Are you going to stay
for a bit? I've got Backdraft.
156
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Me too, both ends.
157
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,080
No, the film.
I've been on the waiting list.
158
00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:20,680
Oh, is Kath in?
159
00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:22,480
No, she's at work.
I'll leave it then, ta.
160
00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:24,080
It's dead handy, you not working.
161
00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:25,440
Yeah, well...
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Just temporary.
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Nearly two years.
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SHE SNIFFS
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00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:31,400
Oh, no, that's vile!
166
00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:33,840
That's making me gag,
he needs changing, Martin.
167
00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:36,800
What have you been feeding him?
168
00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:40,080
Aw!
RETCHING UPSTAIRS
169
00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:41,840
You'll have two to look after soon.
170
00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:48,560
Hiya, Dad.
171
00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:50,160
Hey... Brought you your tea.
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00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:52,040
Oh, thank you.
173
00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:53,800
Ooh... Where you going,
all dolled up?
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I'm out on the razz.
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00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:56,600
Oh, good for you.
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00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:59,480
How you getting on with
your packing?
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00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,920
Do you want me to get Martin to take
those bin bags to the tip for you?
178
00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:04,480
No, I'm not chucking anything.
179
00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:06,160
And you can keep him away from here.
180
00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:07,680
This is all his fault.
181
00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:10,400
How the hell's this Martin's fault?
It's the council chucking you out,
182
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:11,720
it's nothing to do with him.
183
00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:14,680
Yeah. Him and his
sodding Tory mates.
184
00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:18,680
50-year, I've lived in this house.
185
00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:20,240
Never missed me rent.
186
00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:22,080
Always paid me stamp.
187
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:23,320
They can't make me go.
188
00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:24,680
Well, they kind of can, Dad.
189
00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:27,280
Yeah, cos they don't give
a toss for people like me.
190
00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:31,160
Compulsory purchase order, my eye.
191
00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:32,240
They're just making stuff up...
192
00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:34,280
Well, you're the last one
standing now.
193
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:37,600
Shaggy Annie, she's gone.
Him with no teeth, gone.
194
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:39,600
Even the squatters at number seven,
they've moved out.
195
00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:42,400
Yeah, that were a shame,
they threw some cracking parties.
196
00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:44,360
You're just going to have
to move in with our Diane.
197
00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:47,720
At Buckingham Palace?
She makes me take me shoes off!
198
00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:49,240
N-O spells no.
199
00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:51,600
Well, me and Martin
ain't got the room. Good!
200
00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:53,280
I don't want to live
with that gobshite.
201
00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:55,000
Well you're going to have
to do summat, Dad,
202
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:57,760
cos it's too short notice to get
you in at OakVista now.
203
00:08:57,760 --> 00:09:00,080
I'm not living with oldies.
I'd rather be homeless.
204
00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:03,640
Well, you technically will be, cos
you've got to be out by Monday.
205
00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:07,120
I'm sorry... I ju...
I just want what's best for you.
206
00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:11,240
Here, stick some hot water on that.
207
00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:12,400
Enjoy your tea.
208
00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:15,960
Ooh...
209
00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:20,600
SCREAMS ON TV
210
00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:22,520
Oh, God, I'm not enjoying this.
211
00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:24,880
That's got to be burning...
212
00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:27,480
PHONE RINGS
213
00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:30,920
Martin, Martin Parker.
214
00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:33,400
Jonesy!
I knew you wouldn't let me down.
215
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:36,800
Good to speak to you, old pal.
How's the er...
216
00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:38,960
Yeah, yeah.
217
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:44,160
You're busy,
yeah, I'm sorry... No, it's just...
218
00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:45,760
TOY SQUEAKS
219
00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:48,320
Ooh... No, but what
if something else comes up...?
220
00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:51,520
It won't?
221
00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:56,520
Look, Jonesy, you're my last chance.
I am begging you, here.
222
00:09:58,000 --> 00:09:59,040
No.
223
00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:02,680
Right, yeah, I get it.
224
00:10:02,680 --> 00:10:04,800
But what if I...
DIALLING TONE
225
00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:06,600
Hello?
226
00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:07,800
Hello?
227
00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:12,720
TOY SQUEAKS
228
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:19,040
Oh, for fuck's sake!
229
00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:33,040
I...
230
00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:38,320
Something ain't right
231
00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:51,160
being reflected
232
00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:25,240
You're late, you've already missed
the comic, cracking impressions.
233
00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:28,200
Honest to God, his Rolf Harris
was like he was in the room!
234
00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:30,120
Can you tell
what it is yet?
235
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:33,560
Leave it, Des. I'm so sorry,
I was late getting out of the store.
236
00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:35,240
Gary had a dust buster incident,
237
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:37,400
and then I've had to drop
Alison off with her...
238
00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:40,240
..friend Kim, I didn't
know where the time went.
239
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:42,800
It just... Look at you, you've
really done yourself up,
240
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:45,000
haven't you? Very fancy.
241
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:47,160
You look like you're going
to a Miss World pageant.
242
00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:50,400
Aw... Thank you, Sandy!
243
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:53,960
If one of the judges
was Danny La Rue.
244
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:55,960
HE CHUCKLES
245
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:58,800
Thank you for seeing me
on such short notice.
246
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,480
I believe my managerial skills
and my eye for...
247
00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:04,200
Yeah, yeah, cut the crap, Martin.
OK.
248
00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:11,600
Well, go on, then, tell me
why I should give you a job here?
249
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:13,840
I'll be straight with you, Bev,
250
00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:16,440
we both know I'm
overqualified for this.
251
00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:19,480
Cocky, aren't we?
252
00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:22,920
All right then, clever dick, what do
your qualifications tell you, if one
253
00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:25,560
of your resident's as had a nasty
fall, but you're on breakfast duty
254
00:12:25,560 --> 00:12:28,240
and you've got 30-odd hungry
pensioners screaming blue murder?
255
00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:30,600
Right, erm... Well, I'd get the old
dear back on her feet...
256
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:33,440
Uh-uh! Wrong! You want to tell
me why?
257
00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:35,920
Er... I don't know, erm...
258
00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:38,560
Erm! Erm! Erm!
Martin, we've no time to dawdle,
259
00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:41,600
you've got a pensioner on her back
and your bacon's burning.
260
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:44,000
Oh, get the other brekkies sorted?
261
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:47,280
No! You report it to a
senior member of the team.
262
00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:48,600
I was going to say that.
263
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:50,280
You've not had your heavy lifting
training, Martin.
264
00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:52,120
You could pull out her hip. I see.
Go on.
265
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:54,040
Lift this chair up and I'll
tell you what you're doing wrong.
266
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:55,400
Go on.
267
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,760
Look, Bev, I'm desperate.
268
00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:00,640
Please. I'm on the bones
of me arse here,
269
00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:02,880
and desperate times
calls for desperate measures.
270
00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:04,120
And that's my problem how?
271
00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:06,560
They've cut-off me leccy and
when Kath find's out that won't be
272
00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:08,880
the only thing cut off, believe me.
273
00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:11,760
Don't do it for me, do it for Kath.
274
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:18,280
Right, you can start tonight.
275
00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:21,960
Yes! It's £2.50 an hour and we
provide you with one fleece.
276
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:24,280
Oh... But if you lose it,
you pay for a replacement.
277
00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:26,800
Get it? All right.
278
00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:29,000
You better take these and all.
Eh?
279
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:31,360
Nothing worse than getting shit
under your finger nails.
280
00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:33,360
Well, go on then, off you pop.
281
00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:37,680
Come on. Left or right?
To the right. Right...
282
00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:41,680
Yes!
283
00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:45,920
There they are, the haulage lads,
state of them.
284
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:48,960
If they win again this year,
I'm going to be having words.
285
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:51,000
Rigged!
What's Tommy Walsh come as?
286
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:54,160
Poor man's Timmy Mallet...
He's married a bird from London.
287
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:56,480
Well, that'll explain
the outfit, then.
288
00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:59,840
Hey, Diane, you've done
all right for yourself, haven't you?
289
00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:02,400
Since the big fire?
Beg your pardon?
290
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:03,760
Summat queer going on there.
291
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:05,920
What happened eh?
There's been rumours.
292
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:08,080
And all the rumours are true, pal.
293
00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:10,120
Been through the mill, this one.
Tell them.
294
00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:11,320
I'd rather not talk about it.
295
00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:14,440
Old girl thought he'd topped
himself in that fire, didn't you?
296
00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:16,600
Please, let's not do this again,
Sandy. It's a party!
297
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:19,120
Was about to claim on his life
insurance, weren't you?
298
00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:22,160
But her secretary, Julie,
forgot to send the forms in!
299
00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:25,080
Bloody hell, what a cock up!
No, it's a good job they didn't.
300
00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:26,560
She'd have been done for fraud!
301
00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:28,120
Cos it turns out,
302
00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:31,320
me laddo's been living the life of
Riley above the Lucky Panda.
303
00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:33,480
They don't want to hear all this.
It's very boring.
304
00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:37,080
Pretending to be dead and eating
Chicken Chow Mein three times a day,
305
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:38,200
by all accounts.
306
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:39,560
Three Chow Meins a day!
307
00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:41,240
He must have been
the size of a house.
308
00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:44,600
Too much, that.
Never been a fan of a Chow Mein, me.
309
00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:47,640
Anyway, you'll never guess
who bailed her out...
310
00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:54,240
Only yours truly!
311
00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:55,560
Yeah, she was going to lose it all
312
00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:57,680
until I came along
and invested in the business.
313
00:14:57,680 --> 00:14:59,760
Time and money.
314
00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:03,280
Some people might say
I've saved her bacon.
315
00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:06,640
Isn't that right, Diane?
Excuse me, gentleman.
316
00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:08,280
Oh...
317
00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:12,440
It's posh here, isn't it?
We're the only women here.
318
00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:15,280
Oh, God,
get treated like pieces of meat.
319
00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:17,640
Eyes and hands all over us.
320
00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:19,120
Touch wood...
321
00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:22,640
That bin's for clinical waste,
staff kitchen up there.
322
00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:24,640
No fish in the microwave,
bring your own mug.
323
00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:26,680
Don't knock on number nine
after 12,
324
00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:28,400
if you're going in there, make sure
there's two of you,
325
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:30,240
Annie Woodward does not do
mornings or pleasantries.
326
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,480
If it smells, report it,
if not clean it up.
327
00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:34,560
Any questions? No? Good.
328
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:43,400
Look at us, business ladies.
Business, business, business.
329
00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:45,600
Buy, sell, buy, sell.
Would you like a coffee?
330
00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:47,880
Get me that bag.
Stop it, you wally!
331
00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:52,520
Can't believe you're
up for an award, Di, it's amazing.
332
00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:55,160
I'm dead proud of you. Didn't have
a clue what to wear though.
333
00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:58,440
Do I look all right? Yeah.
334
00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:00,960
Just dropped some
tea off at dad's before I came here.
335
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,080
Still hasn't done a thing about
his packing, you know.
336
00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:05,840
Oh, I know, what did you make him?
Bombay Badboy.
337
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:07,560
Oh, for goodness' sake, Kath.
338
00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:09,520
Well, it won't be me scrubbing that
toilet tomorrow,
339
00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:11,520
I'll tell you that for nothing.
340
00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:14,400
Martin's watching Backdraft.
Told him I was working.
341
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:16,120
Oh, you're allowed to go out.
342
00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:18,400
Why do you keep lying to him
all the time?
343
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:20,680
Well, I have to. Lose his shit
344
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:22,560
if he thought I was here at a fancy
business do with you.
345
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:26,000
Excuse me, service.
He hates it that we're friends now.
346
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:27,800
Well, he needs to grow up.
347
00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:31,480
Aww! He's just dead down, Di.
348
00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:34,560
I mean, I love the bones of him,
you know that, but...
349
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:37,360
Bloody hell, it's hard work
living together, isn't it?
350
00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:39,440
And he doesn't do a tap.
Never did.
351
00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:40,560
Slobs about...
352
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:43,920
He sheds like a Collie. I know,
I've already broke three hoovers.
353
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:48,000
Hello! Oh, this is ridiculous,
I might as well be invisible.
354
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:51,920
It's mad, cos he used to be
like right randy all the time,
355
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:54,920
now he doesn't want to do
anything...
356
00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:56,960
I don't think it's me
or owt, I think
357
00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:59,720
he's just a bit depressed, you know,
with not working and everything.
358
00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:02,240
I read that things like that effect
a man's doodah, doesn't it?
359
00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:04,520
Does it? It does, apparently.
360
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:07,160
God, I miss the old Martin.
361
00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:09,560
Good evening. I'm Martin.
Martin Parker.
362
00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:11,240
You all right, mate? You new?
363
00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,720
Yep, first night.
364
00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:15,760
It's only temporary,
in between jobs.
365
00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:18,960
That's what I said,
been here nearly two years, now.
366
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:22,440
It's brilliant,
I've never had so much fanny.
367
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:23,960
Chicks dig a man in uniform.
368
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:27,640
Er, do you know where
Nelly Gleeson's room is?
369
00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:28,800
38 C.
370
00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:32,440
Hang on, I know your face.
How do I know your face?
371
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:33,920
I know you.
372
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,240
You're that old fella who
died in the fire, aren't you?
373
00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:38,080
Yeah, I'm just, err,
popping to see Fanny...
374
00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:41,160
Nelly, I'm actually looking
for my Kath actually, thank you.
375
00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:43,640
Telly shop, wasn't it?
Yes, that's right.
376
00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:55,680
What are you doing here?
I was just, er...
377
00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:58,560
Oh, bloody hell,
Martin! You're on minibus duty.
378
00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:00,160
Eh? Bingo run.
379
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:02,760
Saleem's DJing tonight in Rotherham,
he's at an illegal rave.
380
00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:04,520
Oh, well, I'll only just be two
sec... No, hurry up,
381
00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:06,320
they're freezing their tits
off outside Mecca Bingo.
382
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:08,200
They'll catch their death, and
I can't be fagged with paperwork.
383
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,040
All right. Go on, shift your arse.
Yeah.
384
00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:11,640
I'm doing you a favour here,
remember.
385
00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:14,000
Yeah, I know you are. Prick.
386
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:17,040
Is anyone going to serve us?
Oh, look, meat raffle.
387
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:19,120
I love chops.
388
00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:21,120
You're going to have to sub me
Di, I've only got 76p
389
00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:22,560
and a coupon for Mellow Birds.
390
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:25,400
I thought it'd be a free bar.
For goodness' sake, Kath.
391
00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:27,360
You love me really.
392
00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:29,840
Ey, up, Diane.
Oh, hi, Vinnie.
393
00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:32,440
Here, let me get these...
All right, mate? Yes, sir.
394
00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:33,840
What are you having, ladies?
395
00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:35,520
Er, two Archers and lemonades,
please.
396
00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:37,960
Doubles.
And half a lager chaser.
397
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:40,360
Di, do you want half a lager chaser?
No, thank you.
398
00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:42,640
Just one half a lager chaser,
and whatever you're having.
399
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:43,760
You heard the lady.
400
00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:45,040
Lady...
401
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:48,120
I'm Diane's sister, Kath.
402
00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:50,520
So I've heard.
Lovely to meet you, Kathy.
403
00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:52,560
Kath. Kath.
404
00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:56,080
Hey, er, do you want to go and sit
down? I'll bring the drinks over.
405
00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:59,560
Oh! Thank you very much, very kind.
406
00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:00,640
Thanks.
407
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:04,480
Frig me, he is fit! Who's he?
408
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:05,960
Oh, it's Mr Skip.
409
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,760
Vinnie Hayes. He owns the largest
Skip Hire Fleet in the North West.
410
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:10,000
He's a lovely man.
411
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,000
Isn't he just! You are getting
shagged tonight, lady.
412
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:13,720
Oh, don't be stupid!
413
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:15,200
The way he was looking at you!
414
00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:17,960
You're going to be climbing that
fella like a fucking ladder.
415
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:21,080
Kath! He's a got a very young,
and very beautiful wife at home.
416
00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:23,680
She's very young.
So there is absolutely no chance
417
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:25,280
he would be interested
in someone like me.
418
00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:27,280
She's very young.
And she's very young!
419
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:30,360
He's a happily married man...
Oh, so what?
420
00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:31,760
I'm not you, Kath. Come on.
421
00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:33,120
Charming.
422
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:36,440
Please welcome to the stage tonight,
your host for the evening,
423
00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:38,040
Mr Colin Homey.
424
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:42,920
Good evening and welcome
to the 1992
425
00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:44,920
Stockport Trade Awards,
426
00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:47,320
sponsored by Clarke's Pies.
427
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:51,720
Big hand for Des Clarkson.
Thank you, Des.
428
00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:52,960
Thank you.
429
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:55,840
And can I just say what a lovely
spread you put on here tonight?
430
00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:58,160
Fabulous! Thank you. First class.
431
00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:02,320
Let's kick off straight away
with the first award, which is
432
00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:04,640
the Best Van Livery.
433
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:06,960
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
434
00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:16,840
TURNS UP MUSIC
435
00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:19,520
Oh, here we go.
436
00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:26,680
Oh, all righty. Let's get you home.
437
00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:30,160
Watch your head.
438
00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:32,960
That's a girl. You all right?
439
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,800
Good lad.
440
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:36,440
Where's Saleem?
441
00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:38,800
Oh, Saleem's DJing in Rotherham.
442
00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:41,000
Oh, I prefer Saleem.
443
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,840
Yes, well, at the moment, Saleem
is in the middle of a field
444
00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:46,760
spinning discs at teenagers,
off their faces on disco biscuits,
445
00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:50,360
so it could be a wee while,
but you're welcome to wait.
446
00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:52,600
No, didn't think so.
447
00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:55,760
Piece of piss.
448
00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:01,480
Right...
MUSIC PLAYS
449
00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:05,360
Oh, turn it down, it's too loud!
Oooh, it's hurting my ears!
450
00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:07,480
Where's Saleem?
451
00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:11,160
Rotherham. Hold your horses,
there's still some of them here.
452
00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:13,560
Eh... Saleem does a head count.
453
00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:15,400
Oh, does he?
454
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:19,200
He wipes it on the curtains
and she hits the roof.
455
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:21,040
Less of the smut, Des.
456
00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:22,120
Ladies present.
457
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:24,240
Oh, don't mind me, lads.
I've heard worse.
458
00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:26,320
Oh, I've got a good one for you,
two nuns in a bath...
459
00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:28,320
Yeah, not now flower.
460
00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:29,960
It's rude.
461
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:31,800
Two nuns in a bath...
Will you behave yourself?
462
00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:33,720
No-one wants to hear
your potty mouth.
463
00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:36,520
These are respectable businessmen.
Just smile and nod.
464
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:38,840
I need to mingle.
465
00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:42,000
Oh, God, I love this song!
Are you dancing, Des?
466
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:44,120
No. You're all right.
467
00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:45,280
Right. So...
468
00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:47,400
How's your lovely wife, Fiona?
469
00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:51,200
Ex-wife. Oh, Vinnie, I'm
so sorry to hear that.
470
00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:53,880
Get in there, Di...
Ah, it just didn't work out.
471
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:55,960
She works for Camp America now.
472
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:57,480
Does she? Mm.
473
00:21:57,480 --> 00:21:59,720
Teaching kids how to kayak. Oh...
474
00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:02,160
Couldn't even spell
that two months ago. Ohhh...!
475
00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:06,840
Oi, watch it, Cinderella!
476
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:09,200
Anyhow, about you?
How's life treating you?
477
00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:10,920
Cos you're looking gorgeous.
478
00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:12,880
Oh, no. No, I'm not, I look awful.
479
00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:15,600
No. No. This is an old Kendal sale,
and my hair, don't talk about it,
480
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:17,840
it won't even hold a perm.
It's just mainly spray, so..
481
00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:20,920
Hey, take the compliment.
482
00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:23,320
I mean it. You're looking great.
483
00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:30,360
How are you finding it with Sandy?
484
00:22:30,360 --> 00:22:33,640
Well, he likes things his own way,
let's just leave it at that.
485
00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:35,720
Yep, I hear you, babe.
486
00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:38,640
Look at your kid.
487
00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:40,040
She's a live wire.
488
00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:55,000
SOMEONE FARTS
Oh! Excuse me!
489
00:22:56,360 --> 00:22:58,400
KNOCKS ON WINDOW
Ah, Jesus! Where's Saleem?
490
00:22:58,400 --> 00:23:01,680
Rotherham!
Sorry, just a sec.
491
00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:03,000
Sorry.
492
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:04,200
I'll get you on now.
493
00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:07,000
All right, babe?
494
00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:11,960
Well, did you win anything?
Sod all!
495
00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:13,360
I think I'm jinxed.
496
00:23:13,360 --> 00:23:15,200
Nelly won big though.
497
00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:16,640
Double rollover.
498
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:18,000
£28.60.
499
00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:19,880
Nelly...? Nelly Gleeson.
500
00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:21,120
Gleeson?
501
00:23:21,120 --> 00:23:23,800
She'll be here in a minute,
she's gone the ladies.
502
00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:25,400
Too much Cherry B. Right.
503
00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:31,480
Not a pissing hair on her head.
504
00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:34,000
Where the fuck is Kath?
505
00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:42,360
Hey, someone needs to tell
her it's a business do,
506
00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:44,200
not the Playboy mansion.
507
00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:46,360
Yeah. But, listen, I'm having a
lovely time.
508
00:23:46,360 --> 00:23:48,200
I've been chatting to that Des.
509
00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:51,320
Isn't he lovely? So sweet. Mind you,
he's got a lot on his plate.
510
00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:54,440
His semi is riddled with woodworm,
his eldest just failed his driving
511
00:23:54,440 --> 00:23:57,400
test third time, and to top it
all, he thinks Jerry's got gout.
512
00:23:57,400 --> 00:23:59,160
Mind you, they say it
comes in threes.
513
00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:00,600
Who the frig's Jerry?
514
00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:02,480
His neighbour.
All right, Wogan!
515
00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:04,640
He's here for a
night out, not an interrogation.
516
00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:07,120
I bet you've bored
the poor man stupid.
517
00:24:07,120 --> 00:24:10,320
Herschel Daniels, everyone.
APPLAUSE
518
00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:15,000
Right, gentleman, and lady in red,
519
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:17,040
if you could just
take your seats, please.
520
00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:18,920
Oh!
521
00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:20,360
Oh, shit!
522
00:24:20,360 --> 00:24:21,920
That needs mopping.
523
00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:23,120
It's very slippy.
524
00:24:23,120 --> 00:24:25,320
Right, the moment you've
all been waiting for.
525
00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:27,560
Can we have a roll of the drums,
please?
526
00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:29,680
Thank you, gentlemen.
DRUM ROLL
527
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:35,440
It's the Stockport Business
Of The Year 1992.
528
00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:39,520
And to present the award,
Councillor Brian Allsop.
529
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:40,920
Give him a round of applause.
530
00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:42,800
Brian, how lovely to see you, my
friend. Here we go. Best of British.
531
00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:44,680
Dead exciting. It's like the Brits.
We're not going to win.
532
00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:46,840
We're not going to win.
Are we? I feel sick.
533
00:24:46,840 --> 00:24:49,320
Have I got time for a quick wee?
No. Sit down!
534
00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:52,760
Now, who's won, I wonder?
535
00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:54,480
Oh, here we go.
536
00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:56,600
The winner is...
537
00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:59,760
..Parkers Power and Electricals!
CHEERING
538
00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:03,160
I don't believe it.
539
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:07,640
Yes, Diane! And to collect
the award, Sandy Cooper.
540
00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:08,760
Get up here, Sandy.
541
00:25:10,360 --> 00:25:12,600
Go on, Di.
Should I follow? Should I follow?
542
00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:15,720
Go with him! Go on!
543
00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:18,320
Get in that photo. It's not even his
shop. It's fine. It's fine.
544
00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:21,040
It's really fine. Shush. It's fine.
It's not fine. It's fine! It's fine!
545
00:25:21,040 --> 00:25:23,240
Leave it! Go on. Leave it!
546
00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:24,920
Thank you.
547
00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:27,680
Er, I couldn't have done
this alone, guys.
548
00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:30,360
They say that behind
every great man is... See?
549
00:25:30,360 --> 00:25:32,560
..a local chapter of
the Rotary Club.
550
00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:34,360
So a big shout out to all my boys.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
551
00:25:34,360 --> 00:25:35,600
You know who you are.
552
00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:40,320
Watch this space, lads, big plans.
Why's he taking all the glory?
553
00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:43,480
You deserve the glory.
Because that's the way it is, Kath.
554
00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:45,840
Well, why is it? Look around you.
555
00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:50,760
Hey, lady, I'm no feminist, I'm not
burning my bra for no bugger.
556
00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:52,880
To be fair, I'd have to tuck me
tits into me knickers,
557
00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:55,480
but this is absolute bullshit!
558
00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:59,320
It's bullshit Des,
it's an absolute fix! It's a fix!
559
00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:01,040
Fix! Shut up, love!
560
00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:02,800
Oh, you can fuck off!
561
00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:04,200
Kath, don't...make...a...scene!
562
00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:05,920
Diane, what are you doing?
563
00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:07,800
Just leave it, Kath.
Oh, for God's sake...
564
00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:10,120
Let's get your award.
Diane, let's get your award!
565
00:26:10,120 --> 00:26:11,640
No! No.
566
00:26:11,640 --> 00:26:13,120
Oh, bloody hell, what
is wrong with you?
567
00:26:13,120 --> 00:26:14,960
If you won't get it, I will.
568
00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:17,760
Move! Boo!
569
00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:20,960
Boo me all you like, you dickheads.
I couldn't give a shit.
570
00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:25,480
That little lady there, that lady
there, my sister, Diane Parker,
571
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:27,800
she should be stood on this stage,
not him.
572
00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:29,800
He isn't even called Parker!
573
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:33,080
She works dead hard in that shop,
she does more than him.
574
00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:35,040
And she is... She is an amazing mum.
575
00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:38,400
She's an amazing mum
and she looks after our dad an' all,
576
00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:41,800
she doesn't do as much as me
but look at her, she's bloody...
577
00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:43,760
Get off me!
CHEERING
578
00:26:43,760 --> 00:26:46,240
I've got as much right to be
here as you dickheads!
579
00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:50,600
Aargh... She bit me!
580
00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:54,480
I'm doing this for you, Diane.
581
00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:56,360
Diane? Don't take any shit, Diane.
582
00:26:56,360 --> 00:26:58,240
Don't you take any shit!
583
00:26:58,240 --> 00:26:59,480
Get off me!
584
00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:01,560
Get off me.
Don't forget the meat raffle!
585
00:27:01,560 --> 00:27:04,520
Thunderstruck
by AC/DC
586
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:09,680
Here's your meat.
587
00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:14,640
And this is why we need to
maintain our gentlemen only policy.
588
00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:16,560
CHEERING
589
00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:21,920
Now, where was I?
45318
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