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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,960
This programme contains
some strong language
2
00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:06,080
Where am I?
Martin Parker. Parker's Electricals.
3
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Drugs? No!
4
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Needs dropping off by tomorrow.
5
00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:10,800
I am not doing a drug drop.
6
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Whoa-oa-oh!
LOUD THUD
7
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Alison's school fees, Mrs Parker.
8
00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:18,760
N-No. There must be some
kind of mistake.
9
00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:21,440
You've remortgaged the house.
I beg your pardon?!
10
00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:23,520
Piece of shit!
11
00:00:23,520 --> 00:00:25,640
I can't think
of a better replacement
12
00:00:25,640 --> 00:00:27,360
for Rotary Club treasurer.
13
00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:32,600
If you two put your shares together,
14
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:34,960
you'd own Parker's outright.
15
00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:39,160
Go to his office and get
that shareholder agreement.
16
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You've distracted me enough.
17
00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,440
What the bloody hell is this?
18
00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:50,560
These bad boys are ecstasy tablets.
19
00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:53,120
There's a fair few
grand-worth here, easy.
20
00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:55,400
Hiya. You didn't get it, did you?
21
00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:57,920
What's he doing here? Oh, shit.
22
00:00:57,920 --> 00:01:00,520
He can't see us together. Not yet.
23
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Hold that door, will you? Thank you.
24
00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:13,520
Excuse me, love.
25
00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:16,240
I'm looking for Kath Pennington,
hairdresser, or Gladys.
26
00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:17,760
Erm... Right.
27
00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:19,320
Shit!
28
00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:24,280
Quick, quick. In here, in here.
29
00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:26,120
Ow! No. Diane!
30
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:27,440
Yes.
31
00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:32,760
MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY
32
00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:38,800
Oh, it's YOU, is it?
33
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:43,000
You've got some nerve showing
your face around here, sunshine.
34
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:44,600
Where is she, Gladys?
35
00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:46,760
I don't know
who you're talking about.
36
00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:49,400
Uh, look, this is important, love.
37
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,880
Don't you "love" me!
38
00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:56,600
This is ridiculous!
39
00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:57,960
Oh.
40
00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:01,680
DIANE SIGHS
41
00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:03,520
You getting turned on?
42
00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:04,600
Eh?
43
00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:08,480
Bit of bleach?
It's like catnip for you.
44
00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:10,440
What ARE you talking about?
45
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:11,680
You know -
46
00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:13,160
where you first shagged Martin.
47
00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:14,680
Oh, grow up! Sh!
48
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:19,280
Oh...
49
00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:20,720
God, have you farted?
50
00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:23,680
I'm very stressed.
51
00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:28,040
Do you think he followed me?
52
00:02:28,040 --> 00:02:30,360
He hasn't come for you.
He's come for me.
53
00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:31,760
Oh, has he, now?
54
00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:34,280
To carry on your grubby little
affair in an old people's home?
55
00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:35,440
Very classy, Kath.
56
00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:37,960
Says the woman who got pregnant
in a cleaning cupboard.
57
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:39,120
BREATHES DEEPLY
58
00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:42,280
That stinks.
DIANE SIGHS
59
00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:46,520
Oh...I don't have time for this.
60
00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:49,160
Ah! Hey, that's mine.
61
00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:50,560
Pervert.
62
00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:54,720
You won't find her in there.
63
00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:56,840
Well, I'm not looking for HER
in there, am I?
64
00:02:56,840 --> 00:02:58,360
I'm looking for a kettle.
65
00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:00,120
Well, you're not stopping for tea.
66
00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:01,480
MARTIN GROANS
67
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:04,640
Hmm.
68
00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:08,440
SHE GASPS
69
00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:15,600
Diane... What?
70
00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:18,120
I lied to you. About what now?
71
00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:19,480
About Julie.
72
00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:21,000
Her massive hands?
73
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:22,680
No, but they are VERY big.
74
00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:24,520
I DID go to the office last night.
75
00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:27,280
I didn't wrestle Julie,
but I did see Martin.
76
00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:29,840
Right. So, you did get
the paperwork, then?
77
00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:31,880
No, I-I didn't lie about that bit.
78
00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:34,680
I didn't get the paperwork,
but I did get a kettle.
79
00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:36,920
Oh, Jesus wept, Kath,
you're talking in riddles.
80
00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:38,720
I think he's doing drugs.
81
00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:40,520
I think YOU'RE doing drugs.
82
00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:42,080
Drugs? What are you...?
83
00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:45,280
Oh, my God.
84
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:49,440
What? You slept with him, didn't
you? I can see it in your eyes.
85
00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:51,680
No. Unbe-fucking-lievable.
86
00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:53,400
I didn't. I-I didn't.
87
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,360
I wouldn't do that to you. Oh...
88
00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:58,200
Diane, I think he's dealing.
89
00:03:58,200 --> 00:03:59,920
Dealing what?
90
00:03:59,920 --> 00:04:01,760
Cards. What do you think?
91
00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:04,000
Drugs! Like a drug dealer.
92
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:05,520
You're a fantasist.
93
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:07,880
I nicked a kettle for Gladys,
cos she needed a new one.
94
00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:09,840
I was trying to be nice.
That's what I do.
95
00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:11,440
I'm a modern-day Robin Hood.
96
00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:13,480
Oh, is that why you stole
my husband, then?
97
00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:15,160
Will you listen to me?
98
00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:17,600
I found a kettle full of pills
99
00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:19,080
and a faxed copy of my tits,
100
00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:20,960
and now Martin's come here
to get it.
101
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:23,080
He's come for me.
He's come for the drugs.
102
00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:25,120
SHE LAUGHS
Are you serious?!
103
00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:26,640
Yes. Drugs?
104
00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:28,240
No. Don't believe it.
105
00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:30,760
It's a kettle full of the buggers.
We're very lucky -
106
00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:32,480
Gladys thought they were mints.
107
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:35,160
One sniff of them, and she'd be
smacked right off her tits.
108
00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:36,360
Bless.
109
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,400
I need you to tell me where Kath is.
110
00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:44,360
What's the magic word?
111
00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:46,240
Please.
112
00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:48,360
Swivel.
113
00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:50,320
Unbelievable.
114
00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:52,200
Oh...right, listen to me.
115
00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:54,680
You're going to have to go back
to the office tonight and get
116
00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:56,160
that shareholders' agreement.
117
00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:58,680
No pissing about. We need it.
Will you come with me?
118
00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:00,880
Well, I can't.
I'm out with Martin, aren't I?
119
00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:02,000
You're effing what?
120
00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:04,480
Oh, it's just some Rotary Club
dinner. I'd rather not go.
121
00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:07,120
So don't go.
Believe me, I do not want to.
122
00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:09,520
It'll be painful.
But Sandy's offering him some
123
00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:11,160
high-up position or something,
124
00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:13,040
and he's got all giddy about it.
125
00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:15,040
And I have to keep up appearances.
126
00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:16,960
Oh, my God, Diane!
DIANE SIGHS
127
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:18,600
Look, he's still my husband.
128
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:21,400
He'll smell a rat if I go AWOL.
I have to go.
129
00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:23,040
He can't suspect a thing.
130
00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:24,640
I don't believe...
131
00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:26,120
DIANE SIGHS
Drugs!
132
00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:31,360
Right.
133
00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:33,840
Here you are.
Back entrance. Go tonight,
134
00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:35,440
while I've got my eye on him.
135
00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:38,520
What do I do if someone asks me
what I'm doing? Wh-what do I say?
136
00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:40,200
Well, just say...the cleaner.
137
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:42,160
You look the part. Mm.
138
00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:44,880
It's a bit risky, innit?
139
00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:46,360
Oh, Kath, we're middle-aged women.
140
00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:47,880
No-one cares.
141
00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:49,680
Hit 40, and you're invisible.
142
00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:51,560
They don't give two shits about us.
143
00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:54,480
We could rob a bank and, as long as
we had a pair of Marigolds on,
144
00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:56,600
no-one would bat an eyelid.
145
00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:58,840
SHE SIGHS
146
00:05:58,840 --> 00:06:00,520
CLATTERING
147
00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:03,240
Aha! Yes!
HE CHUCKLES
148
00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:06,040
So, where did you get this kettle
from, then, eh?
149
00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:08,040
Don't know
what you're talking about.
150
00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:10,680
What kettle's that?
Never seen it before.
151
00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:12,920
Ha! Thank God.
152
00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:14,920
If I were you...
153
00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:17,600
..I'd sleep with one eye open.
154
00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:20,280
RADIO JINGLE
155
00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:22,320
The first results
in the hotly contested
156
00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:23,960
Conservative leadership election,
157
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:27,120
which sees Margaret Thatcher
with 204 votes
158
00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:29,520
and Michael Heseltine with 154...
159
00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:31,440
Go on, Maggie!
160
00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:32,680
..at the top of the hour.
161
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:36,520
HE GROANS
162
00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:37,840
RADIO OFF
163
00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,360
CAR LOCKS
164
00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:58,320
DOG BARKS
165
00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:00,520
Keeley!
What have I told you?
166
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:03,560
Take me cigs again, I'll take
a match to your Care Bear!
167
00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:14,600
DOG BARKS
168
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:23,120
Hey! I'll put a bloody knife
through it.
169
00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:24,120
Cheek!
170
00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:25,680
Fuck off, you big fat shit!
171
00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:41,960
Mum, have you seen
my paisley hoodie?
172
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:43,000
What are you doing?
173
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,320
Nothing.
174
00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:51,560
HE SIGHS
175
00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:55,320
Give us one.
176
00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:58,400
I don't know
what you're talking about.
177
00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:03,840
Sod it!
178
00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:16,440
Never knew you smoked.
179
00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:20,280
Well, there's a lot you don't know
about me, Thomas.
180
00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:23,920
You're acting weird.
181
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,200
Am I? Yeah, proper weird.
182
00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:28,360
What's going on?
183
00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:31,120
You normally never leave home,
and now you're never here.
184
00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:33,480
It's been two days, Tom.
185
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:35,040
I'm always here for you.
186
00:08:35,040 --> 00:08:37,240
Everything I do is for you.
187
00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:39,000
Who washes and irons your clothes,
188
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:41,360
puts the food on your plate
day after day, runs around like
189
00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:42,800
a blue-arsed fly for everyone?
190
00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:45,640
Who else has single-handedly kept
this family together
191
00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:48,200
when no-one else seems to give
a single shit?
192
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:50,040
Not one shit! All right.
193
00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:51,600
SHE SIGHS
194
00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:53,520
Jesus, Mum.
195
00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:55,280
Sorry, darling.
196
00:09:00,160 --> 00:09:02,200
So, come on, then. Tell your mother.
197
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:03,720
Hmm?
198
00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:06,160
What's going on with Zara?
199
00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:07,560
I really like her.
200
00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:09,200
I said I'd see her in France.
201
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:12,920
Shit! Shit! She's gone back!
Oh, I forgot. I completely forgot.
202
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,840
I didn't say au revoir.
203
00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:17,280
Oh... Well, I really like her.
204
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:22,240
She's different to the girls
around here, so...
205
00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:24,560
Yeah. Yeah.
She's a lovely girl. Sound.
206
00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:32,280
Are you all right, Mum?
Yeah, course.
207
00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:38,920
Promise me you won't turn out
like your dad.
208
00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:40,400
You are joking.
DOOR CLOSES
209
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,000
Only me!
210
00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:47,520
What the hell are you doing
out here? It's brass monkeys.
211
00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:49,480
Having a bit of air. Good day?
212
00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:51,560
Not really.
Had a day-and-a-half of it.
213
00:09:51,560 --> 00:09:54,520
Oh, that's a shame.
Your hoodie's in your wardrobe, Tom,
214
00:09:54,520 --> 00:09:56,280
washed and ironed. Cheers, Mum.
215
00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:01,320
Hey, you're not getting dolled up?
Sandy's tonight.
216
00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:03,040
Yeah. Looking forward to it.
217
00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:06,880
Oh, and before I forget,
Mr Scott grabbed me earlier.
218
00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:10,640
Something about the school fees
being late.
219
00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:12,600
What? Are you sure?
220
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:14,560
No, that's not right.
221
00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:17,800
I'll call him in the morning.
I knew it'd be a mistake.
222
00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:19,280
Thank you, Martin.
223
00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:27,320
DOORBELL RINGS
Oh, bloody hell. I'll get that!
224
00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:30,720
Hello, love. No, we don't need any
tarmacking, thank you very much.
225
00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:32,680
I'm here about the golf clubs
for sale.
226
00:10:33,680 --> 00:10:35,360
We...spoke on the phone?
227
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:40,040
Yeah, well, I'm buying new ones,
you know.
228
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:42,440
I just don't want to...
fling them out.
229
00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:45,600
I'm practically giving them away.
It's not all about money.
230
00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:47,880
So, there's a bit of movement
on price, is there?
231
00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:50,200
Absolutely not, mate.
There you go. Have a go.
232
00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:54,440
Well, we'll take a tenner off
for that.
233
00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:56,200
Don't know what's happened there.
234
00:10:57,360 --> 00:10:59,480
Still no money from Parker.
235
00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:01,240
You need to go round
and shit him up.
236
00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:04,800
Yeah, I will. I'll go round later,
see if there's a way in.
237
00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:06,880
Yeah. All right.
Smash a few windows.
238
00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:08,600
Kick a door in. Yeah. Sound.
239
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:11,240
I've just got to finish my tea
first, or Mum'll lose her nut.
240
00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:13,120
Yeah. Best do that.
All right. Sound.
241
00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:15,560
Right, see you later. See you later.
242
00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:17,680
I can't believe this!
TRICKLING
243
00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:19,280
You've had all day to get ready!
244
00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:20,880
I need to get sorted now!
245
00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:25,280
Di, where's my lucky blue suit?
246
00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:27,280
This should all be ready for me.
247
00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:30,480
This is your job, like -
a woman's job.
248
00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:32,640
This is what you do.
249
00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:34,800
Di! Two ticks!
250
00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:39,080
TOILET FLUSHES
251
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:41,840
I took it to the dry-cleaner's.
It had a bit of mud on it.
252
00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:43,200
No idea how you managed that.
253
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:45,760
Bloody hell, Di.
That was my lucky suit, that was.
254
00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:50,840
Here you go.
All freshly washed and ironed.
255
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:52,040
PHONE RINGS
256
00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:58,160
SHE SIGHS
4960977.
257
00:11:58,160 --> 00:11:59,920
Is that Mr Pennington's daughter?
258
00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:01,760
Yes. This is his daughter speaking.
259
00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:03,440
He's ready to go home.
260
00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:05,360
Oh! That's great news.
261
00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:06,680
Can you come straight away?
262
00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:10,360
No, um, I can't pick him up
this evening. I'm sorry,
263
00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:13,520
I've got a dinner party to go to.
It's the Rotary Club.
264
00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:15,840
Can you...can you keep him in
until the morning?
265
00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:17,760
Not really. We're the NHS, love,
266
00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:20,880
not a Trusthouse Forte. No,
it's fine. I'll sort it. Thank you.
267
00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:22,680
Thank you. Goodbye.
268
00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:24,320
Rude!
269
00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:25,800
PHONE RINGS
270
00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:33,480
Oh, nice necklace, Babs.
Love a chunky chain.
271
00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:35,240
Hides the turkey neck.
272
00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:37,920
Hello! Kath, the hospital's phoned.
273
00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:39,360
You need to pick up Dad.
274
00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:42,440
YOU pick him up. They phoned YOU.
Have you forgotten I've got...?
275
00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:44,120
I've got a heist to do.
276
00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:46,600
Well, I can't.
I'm out with Martin, aren't I?
277
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:48,640
Oh, yeah. To your fancy dinner.
278
00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:50,320
While I'm out risking life and limb.
279
00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:52,240
Look, we need to stick
to the plan, cos...
280
00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:54,720
Yeah, the thing about
these...these diets is, Marie,
281
00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:56,080
you need to stick to the plan.
282
00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:58,440
So, stick to the plan and have
a jacket potato instead.
283
00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:01,240
Stop gabbing and get dressed.
Hurry the bloody hell up, Di!
284
00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:03,200
The taxi'll be here in a minute.
285
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:04,480
Two ticks.
286
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:06,680
Is that him? Yes, that's right!
287
00:13:06,680 --> 00:13:08,360
What's he wearing?
288
00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:10,200
Oh, well, thanks for asking, Marie.
289
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:12,880
He's being discharged, so hopefully
someone will pick him up.
290
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:16,400
Oh, thanks for offering, Marie.
291
00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:19,200
She's going to pick him up.
Is he wearing his lucky blue suit?
292
00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:20,400
Listen, you silly cow.
293
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:23,080
Just stick to the plan
and eat your potato!
294
00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:24,280
Fine.
295
00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:25,800
Is that new toothpaste? Rank!
296
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:27,680
Come on, Di. Get a wriggle on.
297
00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:38,920
DOORBELL RINGS
298
00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:43,800
You look nice.
299
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:44,960
Do I?
300
00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:49,600
Thanks for doing this tonight.
301
00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:51,800
It's a big, important night for me,
this.
302
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:53,600
I know you don't want to be here.
303
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,040
I do appreciate it.
304
00:13:56,280 --> 00:13:58,080
Oh, right!
305
00:13:58,080 --> 00:13:59,560
Thank you!
306
00:13:59,560 --> 00:14:01,200
So, remember, go easy on the wine.
307
00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:02,880
Just sit there and smile, eh?
308
00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:04,280
Knockout, Jean!
309
00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:06,360
Hi! Knockout! In't she, Di?
310
00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:08,280
Eh? He keeps you lovely.
311
00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:10,320
SOFT JAZZ PLAYS
312
00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:12,160
I love what you've done
with the place.
313
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:13,800
Oh, I have the same breakfast bar!
314
00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:18,640
Oh, thanks for picking me up, love.
315
00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:21,280
I'll be glad to see the back
of this place. I need a break.
316
00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:23,480
Them nurses - all over me.
317
00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:25,560
These looks - they're a curse.
318
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:28,160
Dad, I just need to nip somewhere
before we go home.
319
00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:30,520
You don't mind, do you?
We can't be long.
320
00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:32,240
I'm dying for a decent brew.
321
00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:33,760
It's like piss water in there.
322
00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:57,480
DULL THUDDING
323
00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:05,560
DOOR BANGS
324
00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:11,560
The Lady In Red
by Chris De Burgh
325
00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:14,360
So, er, you're in the building
trade, Vinnie?
326
00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:15,840
Yeah.
327
00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:17,760
You might know me as Mr Skip.
328
00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:20,160
You're looking at the man
who introduced the mini-skip
329
00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:21,760
to the whole northwest region.
330
00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:23,160
Impressive.
331
00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:25,120
And, er, you deal in white goods?
332
00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:26,960
Electrical retail.
333
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:29,920
A wide selection of white AND brown
goods across three stores.
334
00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:32,160
Doing VERY well in VERY hard times.
335
00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:33,440
Cool.
336
00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:36,560
So, about this treasury...
I've got a question for you.
337
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:39,720
And I bet you get asked
all the time. Fire away.
338
00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:41,760
Whatever happened to the Betamaxes?
339
00:15:41,760 --> 00:15:44,600
Ah! See, I've got a couple of blueys
in the loft, you know.
340
00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:48,800
We've had dimmers fitted
throughout.
341
00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:51,640
Good for you.
Nice to be able to set a mood.
342
00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:53,680
Is this it, Jean?
343
00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:56,360
Is what it? Life -
344
00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:58,200
is this it?
345
00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:01,160
A bloody dimmer switch
and a fancy chandelier?
346
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:03,920
Biding our time until they jack us
in for a younger model
347
00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:05,280
with perkier tits?
348
00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:10,040
Did I show you the vertical blinds?
349
00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:12,080
No! No, you didn't!
350
00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:19,360
Kath! What the bloody hell
are we doing HERE?
351
00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:20,840
I'll only be a minute, Dad.
352
00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:23,000
You just stay in here
and keep watch. Right?
353
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:25,080
Keep watch. Why?
What are you going to do?
354
00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:27,680
Nothing. Is HE in there, is he?
355
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:30,120
Well, I wouldn't mind
a couple of minutes with HIM.
356
00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:32,680
No, Dad, he's not.
Cos I've got unfinished business.
357
00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:33,920
What do you mean?
358
00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:35,600
He had one lucky punch.
359
00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:38,720
Martin punched you?!
I thought you had a heart attack.
360
00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:40,640
He is not going to hurt my girls.
361
00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:43,320
Oh, I should've sorted him out
years ago.
362
00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:46,360
Oh, God. It is all my fault,
isn't it?
363
00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:48,160
Bad luck follows me round.
364
00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:52,120
Seriously, I am cursed.
365
00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:55,600
Oh, bloody hell! Don't tell me
he's got you cleaning for him.
366
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,880
Christ Almighty!
It's not like that.
367
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:01,200
Me head's up my arse.
I'm all over the place.
368
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:03,000
I don't know what I'm doing.
369
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:04,520
It's crap, Dad.
370
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:07,320
It's all just a big load of crap.
SHE SIGHS
371
00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:10,120
I know. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
372
00:17:10,120 --> 00:17:11,480
Look at that.
373
00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:13,680
That's a good 'un, that is. Hey!
374
00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:17,160
Keep watch...
and don't make any noise.
375
00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:19,360
Sh. Right?
376
00:17:19,360 --> 00:17:21,200
WHEELS CLATTER LOUDLY
377
00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:25,200
The conservatory's lovely, Jean.
378
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:27,280
Bet there's a lot of windows
to clean.
379
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:29,000
Vintage Pinot Noir!
380
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:30,400
Oh, it is that.
381
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,960
Nothing but the best for you, Sandy,
eh, Vinnie?
382
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:34,440
Oh, aye.
SANDY CHUCKLES
383
00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:39,640
So, here's to mini-skips, Vinnie.
BOTH CHUCKLE
384
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:42,240
Nice necklace, Diane.
385
00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:43,640
Oh!
386
00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:46,560
I'm thinking of getting my Jean
one of them fax machines, eh?
387
00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:49,160
Keeps things spicy!
388
00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:51,960
Excuse me, fellas. I'm going to have
to check in with HQ,
389
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:54,800
otherwise I get all kinds of earache
if I don't.
390
00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:56,840
THEY CHUCKLE
391
00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:00,320
VINNIE SIGHS
392
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:03,680
He's a nice fella, Vinnie.
393
00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:05,200
Hmm.
394
00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:08,000
Thanks for this, Sandy.
It means so much to me.
395
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,560
Anything for you, Martin.
You know that.
396
00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:13,000
But you've been like a brother
to me.
397
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:14,640
How IS your mum?
398
00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:16,640
Great. Yeah. Never changes.
399
00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:19,520
My dad always fancied her, you know?
Hmm?
400
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:21,840
Said yours never missed
an opportunity.
401
00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:24,160
Shrewd as they come - like you.
402
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:26,000
But come on,
403
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:29,000
tonight's all about us getting you
that treasurer's gig,
404
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:30,880
you winning over Vinnie.
405
00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:33,440
Have you spoken to his new wife
Fiona yet?
406
00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:37,920
Thick as a Boxing Day turd.
407
00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:40,240
But you can't deny
she looks the part.
408
00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:42,800
BELL RINGS
409
00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:45,120
If you could all take your places
at the table.
410
00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:49,720
Oh, lovely. I'm starving.
Come on, then. Right this way.
411
00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:53,080
I've put place cards down
to show you where to sit.
412
00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:56,320
Oh, great! Do I have to sit
next to Martin?!
413
00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:58,800
MARTIN LAUGHS
What's she like?!
414
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:01,320
Yeah. What am I like?
Silly old Diane.
415
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:02,800
Do you need a hand, Jean?
416
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:05,320
She's fine, Diane.
She loves doing it.
417
00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:06,720
I love place cards.
418
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:08,840
She nagged and nagged
for that conservatory.
419
00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:10,840
It really is a cracker, Sandy,
isn't it?
420
00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:12,480
Top class, mate. Looks a beauty.
421
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:14,440
Bloody well ought to, price I paid.
422
00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:16,080
Cost me a fortune.
423
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:18,400
Don't you even dare ask me how much!
424
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:19,560
No.
425
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:23,440
Very nice.
426
00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:25,080
Lovely. Oh, thanks.
427
00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:27,080
Oh, thank you, Jean.
428
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:30,000
9,850 of your English pounds.
429
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,360
And that's without
the wicker furniture.
430
00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:34,560
Hey, keep your voice down.
SHE'LL want one.
431
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:36,080
SHE LAUGHS
No, she will not.
432
00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:37,440
She knows he can't afford it.
433
00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:40,280
Oops! Am I not supposed to say that?
434
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:42,920
MARTIN CHUCKLES
435
00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:46,080
She's pulling your leg.
DIANE CHUCKLES
436
00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:48,880
GULPS AND SLURPS LOUDLY
437
00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:54,000
Eat up.
438
00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:56,840
Oh, the cherry!
439
00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:24,560
Prick!
440
00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:40,040
Bernadette was always Bernie.
441
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:41,640
Patricia was Pat,
442
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:43,720
and Elizabeth was Betty,
443
00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:45,200
which is mad, in't it,
444
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,080
cos she looks like a Claire?
445
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:49,560
You know what? I love names.
446
00:20:49,560 --> 00:20:51,360
What's Diane short for?
447
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:55,960
Well, I'm stuffed.
LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
448
00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:58,200
Lovely food, Jean, as always.
449
00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:00,040
Wasn't it, Di?
Thank you.
450
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:02,400
What? I just said
the food was lovely.
451
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:04,560
Jean has served us a treat,
as always.
452
00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:07,920
Well, you can't balls-up
shop-bought gateau, can you?
453
00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:09,520
MARTIN LAUGHS
454
00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:12,520
I think you've had enough,
er, darling.
455
00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:15,240
And I think you should mind
your own fucking business.
456
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:18,720
True
by Spandau Ballet
457
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:22,560
Should I dim the lights?
Oh, yes, Jean.
458
00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:25,640
You carry on fiddling with
your dimmers, nothing to see here.
459
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:29,400
Er, Vinnie was saying
he enjoys a round of golf.
460
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:32,680
We should pop over to that course
in Lytham, it's belting.
461
00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:35,360
Fantastic idea.
Knock a few balls around,
462
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:37,960
put the world to rights.
How are you going to do that?
463
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:40,120
Cos Martin sold his golf clubs.
464
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:41,960
I think he needs the cash.
465
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:44,360
No, no, I'm buying better ones!
466
00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:46,800
Yeah. Let's do it.
Make a lads' weekend out of it.
467
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:49,240
Lads?! You wish!
BLOWS RASPBERRY
468
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:50,600
WHEEZING LAUGHTER
469
00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:52,640
She's got a point.
True.
470
00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:55,080
But you're only as young
as the woman you feel, I say.
471
00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:58,880
And what shall we do when they're
out cavorting, eh, ladies? Hmm?
472
00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:00,600
When the cat's away...
473
00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:03,720
..maybe WE should go out
and have a bit of fun. Hmm?
474
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:05,640
Oh, Diane!
475
00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:07,400
Could be a giggle.
476
00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:09,280
DIANE LAUGHS
477
00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:12,080
What do you reckon, Fiona?
What's that?
478
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:14,440
Where do you youngsters go
to get a bit of trouser?
479
00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:15,920
Diane?! What?
480
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:18,240
I mean, that's what you're doing
on your golf trips,
481
00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:19,960
isn't it, Martin?
482
00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:22,120
VINNIE LAUGHS
483
00:22:22,120 --> 00:22:24,640
I like this one, Marty.
484
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:25,720
She's got bite.
485
00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:29,760
Hasn't she just?!
486
00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:31,560
What's she like?!
487
00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:35,880
Hmm...
488
00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:41,840
Oi!
489
00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:45,320
Oi! Fingers!
490
00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:47,760
What are you doing with my bike?
491
00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:49,200
Sorry? My bike.
492
00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:51,320
Are you deaf, or summat?
493
00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:54,040
I thought it was abandoned.
My mistake.
494
00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:55,800
Yeah. Big mistake...Grandad.
495
00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:58,280
I beg your pardon?
496
00:22:58,280 --> 00:22:59,600
Do you know who I am?
497
00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:02,520
No.
498
00:23:02,520 --> 00:23:06,040
Marguerita Time
by Status Quo
499
00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:12,960
just like anyone else
500
00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:43,920
Hey. Going well tonight, Martin!
501
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:45,920
Do you reckon? Yeah.
502
00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:47,960
Yeah! Vinnie loves your Diane.
503
00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:51,280
Does he?
504
00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:53,600
She's the life and soul.
505
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:56,560
Listen, the treasury job's yours.
506
00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:58,320
Congratulations.
507
00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:00,760
We both decided
there's no point hanging around.
508
00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:02,560
I'll drop off the float tomorrow.
509
00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:05,160
Thank you so much, Sandy!
510
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:07,640
That means so much to me!
511
00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:10,800
Oh, and Vinnie wants
one of them fax machines an' all.
512
00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:13,840
What can I say? He's a tit man.
DIANE CACKLES
513
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:19,080
My Fiona... Hmm?
514
00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:21,080
..she's like a breath of fresh air,
you know,
515
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:23,120
compared to that old witch.
516
00:24:23,120 --> 00:24:26,120
It's like starting again.
DIANE SCOFFS
517
00:24:26,120 --> 00:24:29,120
Your Martin,
he seems like a good 'un.
518
00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:33,360
Let me tell you about Martin.
519
00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:34,560
Hang on.
520
00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:37,160
There... Yep.
521
00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:39,880
Diane, get in!
The meter's running!
522
00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:43,200
Once again, Jean,
I'm so sorry about the lamp!
523
00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:47,400
Jean! Jean! Remind Sandy to pop
round to the shop first thing
524
00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:50,280
in the morning with the float
and all that. I will do.
525
00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:52,200
You're the best! Ta-ra!
526
00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:55,120
Ta-ra.
HE SIGHS
527
00:24:55,120 --> 00:24:57,960
Everything is going to be
all right, Di.
528
00:24:57,960 --> 00:24:59,520
HE CHUCKLES
529
00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:02,640
Ohh...
530
00:25:05,120 --> 00:25:07,760
Driver, I just need to do
one little detour.
531
00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:21,200
Here you are, mate, anywhere here.
Thank you.
532
00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:34,400
Spot-on, mate. Just be a sec.
533
00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:41,040
What are we doing HERE?
534
00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:43,720
Oh, no. No.
Martin, we need to go home.
535
00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:46,200
I want to go home, Martin.
No, I just want to pop in
536
00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:47,600
and get a fax for Vinnie.
537
00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:49,200
I said I'd pop it round first thing.
538
00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:51,160
Tonight? Oh, no, Martin...
539
00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:52,480
Martin, no!
540
00:25:56,840 --> 00:25:59,920
Martin, no! No, leave it.
Just leave it.
541
00:25:59,920 --> 00:26:02,680
Just get back in. Can you
take us home, please, driver?
542
00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:04,320
Look, it won't take a minute, Di.
543
00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:08,120
Do that again,
and I'll knock you out.
544
00:26:08,120 --> 00:26:10,800
I will put you over my knee
in a minute, lad.
545
00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:13,240
Dad! You can't be threatening a kid.
546
00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:14,760
Are you all right, love?
547
00:26:14,760 --> 00:26:16,560
Screw you, Grandma.
SHE GASPS
548
00:26:16,560 --> 00:26:17,760
Rude!
549
00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:19,200
Who are YOU?
550
00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:20,560
Who are YOU?
551
00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:22,640
He's a little shit,
that's who HE is.
552
00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:24,640
Yeah. I'm your worst nightmare,
sweetheart.
553
00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:27,720
He's a Slater, whatever that means.
554
00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:29,640
KATH LAUGHS
555
00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:31,600
You're a Slater brother?
556
00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:33,120
Yeah. What are you laughing at?
557
00:26:33,120 --> 00:26:34,840
So, Martin Parker owes you money?
558
00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:36,560
Yeah, he does, and it needs paying.
559
00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:39,360
What's it to you, anyway, blondie?
I'm his...
560
00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:41,880
..his cleaner.
561
00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:44,480
Then, you can tell him
if he fails to pay,
562
00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:46,600
me and my brothers are going
to teach him a lesson.
563
00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:48,720
What, how to do wheelies?
HE SCOFFS
564
00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:50,680
Here you are. This'll shut you up.
565
00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:54,960
See you later, psycho!
566
00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:56,560
Well, where's HE going?
567
00:26:56,560 --> 00:26:58,640
I was just going to give him
these bonbons.
568
00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:01,000
Come on. Driver, can you
just take us home, please?
569
00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:03,240
Get back in.
It won't take a minute, Di.
570
00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:05,760
SHE SIGHS
What are you doing?
571
00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:10,160
You've never looked so attractive.
572
00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:11,800
Huh?
573
00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:14,040
I think I like you being
the treasurer.
574
00:27:16,280 --> 00:27:18,240
Oh, sneaky cow!
575
00:27:23,240 --> 00:27:24,960
Bloody hell, Di!
576
00:27:24,960 --> 00:27:26,480
Frig the fax.
577
00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:27,920
Come on.
578
00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:30,360
We'll get the driver to play us
some Elkie Brooks.
579
00:27:30,360 --> 00:27:32,120
BOTH CHUCKLE
580
00:27:32,120 --> 00:27:35,360
Fool If You Think It's Over
by Elkie Brooks
581
00:27:37,080 --> 00:27:39,400
CHUCKLING CONTINUES
582
00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:41,000
Drive on, mate!
583
00:28:02,520 --> 00:28:05,600
at the morning sun
41224
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