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This programme
contains some strong language.
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00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:06,720
Hi. I'm Martin Parker. Welcome
to Parker's Power & Electricals.
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00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:08,640
We're not just any
electrical superstore.
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We're YOUR
electrical superstore.
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00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:14,640
Feeling peckish?
Breville toaster. Only 24.99.
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00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:16,040
What an offer!
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00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:20,160
What about a camcorder for Dad?
Only 499. Top deal!
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00:00:20,160 --> 00:00:23,320
Why not treat the wife to the latest
state-of-the-art vacuum cleaner,
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00:00:23,320 --> 00:00:26,600
for as little as 73 quid? No joke!
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Cheapest prices
this side of the Pennines.
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00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:31,560
That's the power of Parker!
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00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:34,000
FIRE ALARM RINGS
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00:00:43,800 --> 00:00:45,360
Martin?
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Aw...
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I don't like it when you're
stressed. Can I cheer you up?
16
00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:52,880
You always cheer me up.
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Mmm...
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00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:59,680
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I need to get back
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00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:02,080
before Joan's perm solution
burns her scalp again.
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00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:05,000
I thought you said
you wanted to cheer me up.
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00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:10,080
Oh, come on, chicken.
Five more minutes? De-stress me.
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00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:14,120
Oh, I got a surprise for you later.
What kind of surprise? Secret.
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00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:17,120
Kath, you're shit at secrets.
You can't hold your own piss.
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00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:20,120
Um, I am very discreet,
I'll have you know.
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Shall I give you a hint? See?
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00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:25,160
SHE LAUGHS
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00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:27,280
My horse has a poorly hoof.
28
00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:31,040
However vill I make it
to ze market? Can you helps me?
29
00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:34,320
What the bloody hellfire was that?
It was sexy, that.
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00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:36,720
Sexy? You sound more like
you've had a mild stroke.
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Sod off. I'm working on it,
all right? You're going to love it!
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You're mad. You're mad.
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00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:44,520
THEY LAUGH
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There we go! Now you're talking!
Oh!
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Now you're cooking on gas, our Kath!
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00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:53,080
THEY SHRIEK AND LAUGH
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00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:02,320
Oh, shit. Is that the time?
I'd better go.
38
00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:05,760
Love you!
39
00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:09,280
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
40
00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:15,200
Ta, Betty.
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00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:18,360
I'd stick it on a boil wash
if I was you. See ya!
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00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:28,120
Don't even think about it.
I've just mopped. Jesus!
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00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:30,480
Here. Eat it in the garage.
Oh, Tom,
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00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:33,000
please tell me you're going to
at least shower before tonight?
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00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:35,000
I don't see what all the fuss
is about.
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Tom, I'm on the board of governors.
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00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:41,720
And...? And we're entertaining your
sister's French exchange people.
48
00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:44,760
Me and your father, all of us,
are representing Britain.
49
00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:48,280
The school are counting on me.
Everything needs to be perfect.
50
00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:51,880
Any fit French birds coming?
Ohh...
51
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:54,600
Oh... I don't think
you've got enough cheese.
52
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Do you think I should put more out?
How many are we expecting, again?
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SHE GASPS
More chairs.
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00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:04,520
Will they want to mingle? Do French
mingle? Can you mingle in chairs?
55
00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:08,360
Less chairs? Yes, less chairs.
Chuck us a yoghurt, will ya? Oh!
56
00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:12,320
Desserts! I've only done a trifle.
Mum! Chill out.
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00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:13,800
Do French people like desserts?
58
00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:18,360
Let them eat cake.
Yes, I'll get a cake!
59
00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:22,080
Who doesn't like a cake? Hmm.
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00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:23,560
Hiya, Pam. Are you all right?
61
00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:26,920
Got my pills, Bev?
I told ya. Give us a minute.
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00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:29,400
Oh! Good night, was it, Bev?
63
00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:31,840
We were double-dropping
some diazepam last night.
64
00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:34,280
Oh. Off me tits.
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00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:39,560
Oh, don't look at me, Kath,
I'm hanging out me arse.
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00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:41,280
Not for me, that, Bev.
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00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:44,680
All I need to unwind is an Archers
and lemonade and a good bop.
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00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:49,560
You all right, Gladys? You decent?
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00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:54,040
Oh, here she is.
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00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:56,720
Hello, my love.
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00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:59,800
Remember, Gladys,
not a word to the others.
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00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:02,320
Oh. Who have you swiped that from?
73
00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:03,720
Never you mind.
It's a good 'un, that.
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00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:07,360
It's unopened. Two soaps and a talc.
Mm!
75
00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:11,280
Any joy with them ciggies?
It's bad news, I'm afraid.
76
00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:13,160
He's been stopped at Calais again.
77
00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:15,520
500 packs of Silk Cut,
ten litres of ouzo
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00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:17,880
and 40 pairs of knock-off Gucci
loafers all up the Suwannee.
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00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:19,960
His mam's gone mad.
She's had to switch to rollies.
80
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:23,600
Oh, no. Who has the time?
Well, I know.
81
00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:27,240
This is nice. Is it new? Fat Annie.
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00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:30,160
Annie Powell, 10B, died Tuesday.
83
00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:33,560
Oh. I nabbed this
and a couple of nighties.
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Nice.
85
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:36,680
KATH HUMS TO HERSELF
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Oh, you're in a good mood.
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00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:42,600
Silver anniversary today.
I'm doing us a fancy meal.
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00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:45,200
Oh, right. What are you making him?
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00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:47,800
Rock hard. Well,
if the saucy costume I borrowed
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has anything to do with it!
SHE WHISTLES
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00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:51,320
Dirty bugger.
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00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:54,640
Do you know, he is proper sex mad.
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00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:56,640
Yeah. So I saw.
94
00:04:56,640 --> 00:05:00,720
You what? You and him
rolling around like silly buggers.
95
00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:03,920
We had to stop the bingo. Twice.
96
00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:08,880
Cliff Bibby was having chest pains.
Attention-seeking bastard.
97
00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:11,080
Oh, and I might have a Teasmade
for you next week.
98
00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:14,360
Winnie Owens is on her last legs.
99
00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:15,680
I know.
100
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:21,920
What is going on, guys?
101
00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:24,480
You're supposed to be
my dream team.
102
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:28,000
If you want all this...
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00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:31,680
If you want all this,
I've got news for you.
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00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:33,400
You've got to start using this.
105
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:37,480
Redditch branch
sold 13 of these yesterday.
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13!
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13. 1-3.
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Are you hearing this?
109
00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:48,880
Oh, God. Look at the state of you.
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00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:52,440
Gary, flies.
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00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:53,840
ZIPPING
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Do you know how many telly-videos
you sold between the lot of you?
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00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:01,480
Zero. Zilch.
114
00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:04,640
Sweet FA, Alex.
115
00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:06,920
Actually, minus one.
116
00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:10,320
Gary had a return.
I've been watching the lot of you
117
00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:12,560
and you're going after
the wrong customers.
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00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:14,240
What would I do?
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00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:17,360
Charm the ladies.
Give the kiddies a balloon.
120
00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:20,440
And if they want a deal,
we do deals.
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00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:24,200
This telly-video comes with a free
sports holdall, for fuck's sake.
122
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What an offer. Come on!
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I'm handing it to you on a bastard
plate here. Meet me halfway.
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HE SIGHS
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All right? What are you doing stood
standing around? Time's money.
126
00:06:37,240 --> 00:06:41,000
I'm sorry, Mr Parker. I've been
over and over the numbers,
127
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:44,520
but with so many anomalies, I just
can't seem to get things right.
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00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:46,880
Well, you're my accountant.
Isn't that what I pay you for?
129
00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:50,720
Yeah, well, about that, actually...
How bad is it? Oh, it's bad.
130
00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:55,120
Really bad. It's never been this
bad, actually. It's badder than bad.
131
00:06:55,120 --> 00:06:59,280
The bank want their money.
The rent's overdue.
132
00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:01,520
We really need to talk
about staff wages.
133
00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:04,680
Where is Julie with them brews?
Julie!
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00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:06,520
Julie!
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00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:10,000
This poor fella's gasping 'ere!
Is that kettle on?
136
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:12,480
We spoke about you
tightening your belt.
137
00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:16,560
Have you given any thought
to selling the car? No way.
138
00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:19,560
It's all about image in my game.
139
00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:23,400
Martin Parker can't be driving
round town in a Fiat Panda, can he?
140
00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:26,560
For Christ's sake!
It's a hairdresser's car.
141
00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:30,200
Well, it's different for you.
No-one gives a shit.
142
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:34,840
What about the "storage space"
above the old butcher's shop?
143
00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:37,080
I've told you, it's complicated.
144
00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:41,720
We need to serve notice ASAP
before the lease rolls over again.
145
00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:45,080
Where is Julie with them brews?
146
00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:46,920
It's not my fault.
147
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:50,280
Some shithouses from Rumbelows
driving people like me out of town.
148
00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:53,320
Is everything all right?
Yes, I'm on it. Stop stressing.
149
00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:57,560
I'm not stressed.
It's not me who'll go to jail.
150
00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:00,760
Nobody's going to jail.
151
00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:02,720
They'll probably kill me first.
152
00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:05,720
Who's going to kill you?
The Slater brothers.
153
00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:09,440
Sh-sh-sh! I don't believe this.
Alan, have you got dogs?
154
00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:13,040
Our Kylie's getting her tubes
tied today. I'm on pins.
155
00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:15,200
That's the last of the teabags.
156
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:21,080
Mr Parker! The Slater brothers.
157
00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:24,320
What possessed you to go to them?
I had no choice, had I?
158
00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:26,920
How much? Five grand.
159
00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:31,360
OK... But it's six now.
Look, I only went to them
160
00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:34,160
because you said the bank
wouldn't play dice.
161
00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:36,960
Technically, this is your fault.
My fault?
162
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:39,600
Sorry, Alan, don't drink that one.
It's got three sugars in it.
163
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:45,000
How is the diabetes?
It's not bad.
164
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:48,840
And you still can't have KitKats?
No.
165
00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:52,440
Thank you, Julie. Thank you.
166
00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:58,120
You should have told me.
I didn't know it had sugar in it.
167
00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:02,320
About the Slaters! Oh.
If we are going to solve this,
168
00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:06,240
you are going to really need
to cut back on your outgoings.
169
00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:09,880
And the old butcher's shop.
I'll sort it.
170
00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:12,480
And I'll look into selling the car.
171
00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:37,840
Oh...
172
00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:46,520
Merci.
173
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:48,280
Au revoir!
174
00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:01,880
Get in the car.
175
00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:04,240
All right, Diane, love?
What are you doing here?
176
00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:05,600
Cheesecake and whatnot.
177
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:10,720
A cheesecake. For the French.
178
00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:12,520
I'm on the board of governors.
179
00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:15,040
Come on, get in
before someone sees us.
180
00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:18,160
And put that back. It's filthy.
What are you on about?
181
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:21,760
It's in bloody good nick, is that.
It'll shine up really nice.
182
00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:25,440
Come on. Haven't you got
enough junk at home?
183
00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:29,120
One man's shit
is another man's treasure.
184
00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:30,600
You take that.
185
00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:32,120
SHE SIGHS
186
00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:48,160
You don't mind if I take this,
do you, Martin? People are looking.
187
00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:50,160
Please put that down.
KNIFE WHIRS
188
00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:52,720
I thought this is
how you did business now.
189
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:55,680
Taking things off people,
not paying them.
190
00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:57,200
Put them down, please.
191
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:02,080
Excuse me... Sorry, my love.
192
00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:05,160
If you could just go over to Gary
there. He'll help you. Gary!
193
00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:06,760
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
194
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:10,760
Which ones have got teletext? Huh?
Look, I'm sorting your money out.
195
00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:13,520
Now, please leave the shop.
Nice one.
196
00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:16,160
Get someone to carry this
to my van, will you?
197
00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:20,400
Six grand. Friday.
198
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:25,920
And if you're late again,
it goes up again.
199
00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:27,560
Simple as.
200
00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:29,040
HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS
201
00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:36,360
Mr Parker. Hmm?
202
00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:40,000
Lady wants a refund.
Says this iron broke her shell suit.
203
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:52,880
Oh, Dad. What are you going to do
with a dirty old mattress?
204
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:55,560
It's nearly new, that.
Somebody was chucking it out.
205
00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:57,880
Couple of lads from the Legion
gave me a hand bringing it back.
206
00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:01,480
But What on earth are you
going to do with it? Oh!
207
00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:06,360
Mum would lose her mind.
Yeah, well...she can't,
208
00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:07,600
can she?
209
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:10,800
BANG ON CAR
Fuck off!
210
00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:13,240
BOYS LAUGH
Little shits.
211
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:20,200
Brew? No, you're all right. I don't
like to leave the car here.
212
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:21,320
Besides, I need to get back.
213
00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:23,080
The French are very prompt,
by all accounts.
214
00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:25,320
They were bastard well prompt
when they surrendered.
215
00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:28,640
Well, what time do you want me?
Pardon?
216
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:32,920
Free night tonight. Got knocked out
of the darts on Wednesday. What?
217
00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:35,360
I know! Bloody good team
at The Nelson.
218
00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:39,200
No, I meant the party.
No, it's all PTA people, Dad.
219
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:42,120
It's professionals. Boring.
You know? You won't fit in.
220
00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:44,680
I love a buffet.
Well, I can't pick you up, Dad.
221
00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:46,600
I've got a tray of
chicken drumsticks defrosting
222
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:48,840
and I've not even touched
the skirting boards.
223
00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:51,480
I could get the bus,
bring me own cans.
224
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:53,400
No, Dad, you can't...
225
00:12:57,720 --> 00:12:59,080
Not tonight!
226
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:04,040
..television is your subject
and your time starts now.
227
00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:06,480
Which cartoon character
was referred to by Yosemite Sam
228
00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:08,680
as that "darned wabbit"? Bugs Bunny.
229
00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:10,400
Bugs Bunny.
DOOR CLOSES
230
00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:20,480
Bloody hell, Kath.
You like?
231
00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:23,320
Vould you like to play vith me? Hmm?
232
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:30,480
Super sexy, ja?
No, no, not... Not sexy.
233
00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:32,000
Not sexy tonight, love.
234
00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:36,120
Happy anniversary!
235
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:38,400
I'm a sexy milkmaid, Martin.
236
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:40,600
Yes. Yes, you are.
237
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:43,400
Don't you like it?
238
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:45,960
No, it's fine. It's just...
I have to say something, Kath.
239
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:48,560
OK. Go on. OK.
240
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:53,360
Thick as shit, this one.
Even I knew that was Tenko.
241
00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:56,520
Oh, bloody hell.
I could murder a drink.
242
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:01,800
MUSIC AND CHATTER
243
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:05,960
Oh, hello, Nigel. Hey. Ashtray's
just behind you. Thank you.
244
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:09,840
Tell her I've never been to France.
We're more Spain, aren't we, Alison?
245
00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:12,840
But it's such a beautiful language.
246
00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:15,280
Oui! Sexy.
247
00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:16,720
For God's sake, Mum.
248
00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:19,880
Je suis desole, ma mere
est tellement embarrassante.
249
00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:21,440
What's that?
250
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:24,560
Non, mais c'est pas grave parce que
ma mere c'est exactement pareille.
251
00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:25,640
SHE CHUCKLES
252
00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:28,560
Ask her if she's settled in.
En-suite guest room OK?
253
00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:30,560
Does she have everything she needs?
What about towels?
254
00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:33,600
Does she need more towels?
Everything is perfect, Mrs Parker.
255
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:36,280
See? Stop going on about it. God!
256
00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:38,840
Tom! Shirt!
257
00:14:38,840 --> 00:14:42,040
You're not on Top Of The Pops now.
Oh, good, a cheesecake.
258
00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:44,040
To go with the cheese.
HE SNIFFS
259
00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:48,320
This has got to stop.
260
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,760
It's just an outfit.
261
00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:53,440
You can take it off, if you like.
262
00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:56,320
It's a bit tight, really.
It's not about the outfit, love.
263
00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:58,400
Well, tell your face!
264
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:01,520
I thought you'd be all over this.
You love milk.
265
00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:03,680
Things have changed, Kath.
It's just...
266
00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:07,520
It's just not right for me
at this time. It's not working.
267
00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:09,640
What's not working? Us!
268
00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:16,040
What? I'm sorry.
And you can't stay here any more.
269
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,000
You're going to have to move out
and find somewhere else.
270
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:21,680
Are you taking the piss? No.
271
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:24,000
The lease is up
and they're raising the rent.
272
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:27,840
And...? What's that got to do wi'
me? Look, I know it's not ideal.
273
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:29,840
Oh, not ideal!
Oh, bloody hell, Kath!
274
00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:32,840
Don't make this any harder for me!
Oh, harder for you?
275
00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:36,240
You're finishing wi' me
and chucking me out me own home.
276
00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:39,600
I've just regrouted that bathroom.
277
00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:41,520
Well, I've always said
money can't buy taste.
278
00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:44,720
Just take a drive down
Wellfield Avenue! Vino?
279
00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:48,240
Oh, no... No? Oh, come on, everyone.
Don't be shy. Tuck in.
280
00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:51,560
There's plenty here.
Help yourself to le buffet.
281
00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:58,880
What? They're hardly eating.
282
00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:02,080
Surely they like French food?
It's fine, Mum. Leave it.
283
00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:03,760
I'll have some wine. No, you won't.
284
00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:06,360
You're so boring.
Zara's having a drink.
285
00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:08,360
Zara's 18. So...?
286
00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:10,760
Her mum let her drink
in the house when she was 12.
287
00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:13,160
And French women
don't shave their armpits, Alison.
288
00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:16,160
Is that the road you want to go
down? Didn't think so.
289
00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:18,920
KNOCK ON WINDOW
Shit.
290
00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:24,960
Bonjour, love. What the hell are you
doing here? I told you not to come.
291
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:27,880
No. You said you couldn't
pick me up.
292
00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:29,360
Can?
293
00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:30,840
SHE SIGHS
294
00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:32,720
Don't talk to anyone.
295
00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:36,160
Oh, I love that blouse on you,
Elaine. Marksies?
296
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:38,920
Yeah. Colour really suits you.
Have you had your colour done?
297
00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:43,280
Oh, well, it changed my life
and my wardrobe. I'm Hazy Summer.
298
00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:47,000
It's not you, it's me. Is this
my anniversary surprise? Is it?
299
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:50,040
I give you access all areas to this
and a big bottle of Kouros,
300
00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:52,760
and what do I get? Dumped!
How romantic.
301
00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:56,400
Kath... I'm not going anywhere.
No, you can't make me.
302
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:57,920
I'm staying here. Squatter's rights.
303
00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:00,320
Look, I know you're upset.
I'm upset, too,
304
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:03,720
but now you're being unreasonable.
I'll show you unreasonable, Martin.
305
00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:06,640
Listen, Kath, I'm sorry,
I'm honestly sorry,
306
00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:09,360
but that is it. It's over. No.
307
00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:14,160
No, no, it's not. This is mental.
308
00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:17,400
I will not let the last 25 years...
309
00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:22,080
25 years! I'll not let that
go up the Suwannee, Martin.
310
00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:24,720
It's down the Suwannee, not up.
What?
311
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,520
Down the Suwannee. You said up.
312
00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:30,400
I couldn't give a shiny shit
about swans, Martin! Look...
313
00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:34,120
I'll see you right.
I'm not a complete bastard.
314
00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:37,040
See me right?
There is no right without you.
315
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:41,000
I want you. I've always wanted you.
316
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:42,880
I've ordered us a Chinese banquet.
317
00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:46,240
Lucky Panda.
Oh, look, it's been fun,
318
00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:47,560
but it's over.
319
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:51,520
Fun? Fucking fun?
320
00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:53,640
If you leave now, that's it.
You're never coming back.
321
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:57,640
Kath, it's just I cannot... I ca...
322
00:17:57,640 --> 00:18:00,560
I cannot be responsible for you
any more!
323
00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:07,720
If you climb down those stairs,
don't you come back here begging!
324
00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:09,440
Martin...
325
00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:14,640
If you get in that car,
I mean it, Martin...
326
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:19,680
If you start that engine...
327
00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:22,000
ENGINE STARTS
328
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,680
What's she doing?
Martin, don't leave me.
329
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:27,720
SHE GASPS
330
00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:30,120
ONLOOKERS LAUGH
331
00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:35,320
Lucky Panda. Banquet for two?
332
00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:46,520
CAR RADIO PLAYS UPBEAT TUNE
333
00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:54,120
Jesus wept!
334
00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:56,640
MUSIC AND CHATTER
335
00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:03,480
Dad, am I all right to have
a bit of wine? Of course, kitten.
336
00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:04,840
Just don't go daft.
337
00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:08,320
Hey!
338
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:15,120
Oh, here he is.
Hello, darling.
339
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:21,480
Sorry I'm late. A bit of urgent
business to deal with. Sorted now.
340
00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:24,840
No rest for the wicked.
Oh, Christ. What's he doing here?
341
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:26,920
It's fine. I've told people
he's our handyman.
342
00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:28,960
What time do you call this?
343
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,200
All that money and you
haven't got a watch that works!
344
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:33,560
Don't. Surprised to see you here,
Dougie.
345
00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:35,560
Thought you couldn't
stand the French.
346
00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:38,440
There's a lot of people here
I can't stand, Martin.
347
00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:43,000
Yeah, you and me both, pal.
No. I'm not your pal.
348
00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:45,040
Drink? Oh, I see
you've brought your own.
349
00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:48,520
Did you come straight from
your park bench? I like a Riesling.
350
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:50,520
Queen of the white wines.
351
00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:52,440
DOUGIE LAUGHS
352
00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:55,280
The trouble with you, Martin, is
you're just a bloody yuppie snob.
353
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:59,320
Never satisfied. Always wanting
more. Just remember this.
354
00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:02,880
Your shit stinks the same as mine.
355
00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:05,280
Ohh! Think about it.
356
00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:08,160
Please. For me.
357
00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:11,520
Think about it.
358
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:18,400
By the way, great job
with the guttering. Oh. Merci.
359
00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:28,280
I just can't get my head around it.
I thought we were happy.
360
00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:31,960
How did I not see it coming?
I could have sorted it.
361
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:34,120
Made me look stupid.
362
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:39,200
Sorry to turn up like this.
363
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:43,200
Oh, don't you worry, love.
I'm here for you. You know that.
364
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:47,080
Besides, nice to eat something
with a bit of a kick.
365
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:51,880
What am I going to do now, Gladys?
I've never been on my own. Sod him.
366
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:54,120
He's an arsehole.
You don't need him.
367
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:56,320
Yeah, but he's a beautiful arsehole.
368
00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:59,120
You've seen him.
He's bloody gorgeous.
369
00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:01,320
He's my ideal man...
Well, he's my only man.
370
00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:04,320
I've never, ever
been with anyone else. Christ.
371
00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:07,240
And now I've got no-one.
372
00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:09,600
You've got me.
373
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:10,880
Such a dick.
374
00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:13,440
Hey, lady. Now, you listen here.
375
00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:17,320
You are not the dick here,
and he does not deserve you.
376
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:19,360
I told you.
377
00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:23,760
Didn't I tell you this would end
in tears? How dare he?!
378
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:26,960
I could bloody swing for him.
379
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:29,680
I know people, you know.
380
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:33,360
You just give me the nod,
and I'll sort it.
381
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,800
Oh, I'm fuming.
382
00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:38,960
You, my love,
have the kindest heart,
383
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:42,840
and if he can't see that,
then bugger him.
384
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:48,040
You are a strong, sexy woman.
Now, come on, say it with me.
385
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:51,640
I'm a strong, sexy woman.
386
00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:54,440
I can't...
387
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:56,920
Come on, say it.
388
00:21:58,480 --> 00:21:59,880
Oh...
389
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:06,000
Oh, that nightie stinks, Gladys!
390
00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:12,000
Yeah, you're right. I'll be fine.
391
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:14,680
I'm a strong, sexy woman.
392
00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:16,320
Can I borrow your cardi?
393
00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:19,800
Course you can. Now, then,
you get yourself off home...
394
00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:23,840
Yeah. ..have a good night's rest.
You'll feel better in the morning.
395
00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:28,600
And if you leave now,
Saleem can run you back. Yeah.
396
00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:30,160
I'm going to go home.
397
00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:32,160
I'm not going to walk away
from love, Saleem.
398
00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:34,160
He should have married me, not her.
399
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:37,080
And I'm going to tell her.
She needs to know.
400
00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:41,880
She needs to know a few home truths.
Her marriage, right? Fake!
401
00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:43,960
Just like them shit pillars.
402
00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:48,120
I mean, how would you feel?
403
00:22:48,120 --> 00:22:50,600
I've been married a long time.
I don't know.
404
00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:53,920
Bet you've never shagged around,
have you, eh?
405
00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:55,600
Oh, Saleem...
406
00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:57,760
You got kids?
407
00:22:57,760 --> 00:23:00,040
How many? Three girls.
408
00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:05,440
All married now, and a teenage boy.
What would he do? About what?
409
00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:08,480
Your boy. If he was me,
what would he do?
410
00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:12,520
He's doing his GCSEs. I don't know.
Yeah, if he was in my shoes.
411
00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:16,600
I don't know. A mix tape.
A mix tape? I'm not 12!
412
00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:20,360
Are you getting out, or what?
Betty, will you give me a minute?
413
00:23:20,360 --> 00:23:23,280
No! No, we haven't got a minute.
414
00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:25,920
Challenge Anneka is on tonight.
415
00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:28,920
She's rewiring a Romanian orphanage.
416
00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:31,360
I couldn't give a shit, Betty.
417
00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:34,440
MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY
418
00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:37,560
It's all a bit OTT, innit?
I mean, bloody hell, Di.
419
00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:40,640
You just can't help yourself, can
you? Please don't spoil my night.
420
00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:43,720
And how long is this French girl
staying? Who's paying for that?
421
00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:46,880
Her name's Zara. Oh.
422
00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:49,680
I hope she likes cheese,
whatever her name is.
423
00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:59,880
Right, wait here.
I'll be five minutes, tops.
424
00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:02,720
All right, Betty! Hold me crackers.
425
00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:05,360
SHE EXHALES
426
00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:18,840
Ca va?
427
00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:21,520
Thank you.
428
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:29,720
Oh, yeah! You're a music fan.
429
00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:32,640
All them modern bands
are a bit depressing, though.
430
00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:37,440
We like a bit of Phil Collins,
don't we? Or ELO.
431
00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:39,400
Well, they must be big over there.
432
00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:44,040
Electric Light Orchestra?
433
00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:51,600
Bez's mum once bought
a twin-tub off me.
434
00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:56,520
Happy Mondays?
I even threw in free delivery.
435
00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:00,600
His dad's in the police.
436
00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:04,360
Not the band. Leave her, Martin.
Are you enjoying the party, Zara?
437
00:25:08,120 --> 00:25:09,520
It's tacky.
438
00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:13,880
You're our guest. My casa, you casa.
439
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:16,240
Martin, can you do another circuit
with the wine?
440
00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:18,840
Oh, who's that now?
441
00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:21,560
Jesus, Di!
Who else have you invited?
442
00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:23,000
Well, hurry up! They'll be gone.
443
00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:24,920
I've only got
one pair of hands, Martin!
444
00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:28,280
I'm a strong, sexy woman.
445
00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:30,680
Diane, I think
your toilet's blocked.
446
00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:33,400
It's either that
or your flush is frigged.
447
00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:36,160
DOORBELL CHIMES
There's water going everywhere.
448
00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:40,080
Martin! Door!
449
00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:44,160
I'm a strong, sexy woman.
I'm a strong, sexy woman.
450
00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:46,400
I'm a strong, sexy...
451
00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:49,680
Oh.
452
00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:54,640
Mrs Parker!
453
00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:57,080
There's a milking maid at your door.
454
00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:04,120
Uh, you're all right, thingy,
I've got this.
455
00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:07,400
What the hell are you playing at,
coming here?
456
00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:08,920
I told you never to come here.
457
00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:10,880
I needed to see you.
Keep your voice down.
458
00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:15,440
I know you don't mean anything
you said tonight. You can't.
459
00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:19,040
She needs to know. And then
we can be together forever.
460
00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:23,040
Look, will you get it into your
thick head, woman? We are finished.
461
00:26:24,480 --> 00:26:28,520
Stay away from me
and stay away from my family.
462
00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:30,400
You stay away from my family!
463
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:35,360
You're mental.
464
00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:55,240
Who was it? Oh,
just some French lads pissing about.
465
00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:57,440
You think they'd never seen
a bloody doorbell before!
466
00:26:57,440 --> 00:26:59,760
Shall I do another circuit
with the wine, love?
467
00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:02,000
Oh. Yes, please, Martin.
468
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:05,360
Hmm.
469
00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:10,120
You ready?
470
00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:13,160
No.
471
00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:15,720
Oh, for goodness's sake!
Oh, bloody hell!
472
00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:17,880
He's not getting away with this.
473
00:27:20,600 --> 00:27:23,560
I'll give him mental! Two minutes.
474
00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:32,960
She's in no fit state
to be cutting hair.
475
00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:46,240
you drive into the heart of me
476
00:27:50,320 --> 00:27:53,000
Show you mental!
477
00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:56,440
Your big, beautiful,
bouncy silver hair.
478
00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:01,040
Your sparkly eyes.
479
00:28:01,040 --> 00:28:03,080
DRUNKEN SINGING
480
00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:11,880
I see the handyman's had a skinful.
481
00:28:11,880 --> 00:28:14,880
Diane, on the back! Hey!
482
00:28:14,880 --> 00:28:18,000
Your gorgeous golden skin.
483
00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:21,120
Big strong thighs...
484
00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:26,560
Oh, yeah.
485
00:28:28,560 --> 00:28:30,040
We might get done for this.
486
00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:34,480
ALARM BLARES
487
00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:36,600
Little shit!
488
00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:39,040
Screw you! Oh, she's coming back.
489
00:28:42,480 --> 00:28:45,520
I swear to God,
if that's the French boys again...
490
00:28:54,960 --> 00:28:56,680
Who's this now?
491
00:28:56,680 --> 00:29:01,160
I'll tell you who she is.
She's me sister.
492
00:29:01,160 --> 00:29:02,400
Drive!
493
00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:09,600
inside out
494
00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:14,520
upside down
495
00:29:14,520 --> 00:29:19,120
scream and shout
496
00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:23,960
alleyways, being very loud
38525
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