All language subtitles for The.Increasingly.Poor.Decisions.of.Todd.Margaret.S02E06.1080p.WEB-DL.SNK-TV_track5_[eng]

-[SPEAKING KOREN]

-[SPEAKING KOREAN]

-[SPEAKING KOREAN]

-I'm not so this is a
good idea, guys. [ALARM]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-And so the biggest trial in
British history begins today.

On his way to the courthouse
there, Todd Margaret, for what

will hopefully be the first
public execution since 1888.

-Todd, I know you're scared,
but I gotta concentrate,

and you are bumming me out.

Look, don't worry, all right?

Doug is out there
pounding the streets,

and he's not gonna stop until
you take your final breath.

Plus, Alice is looking for Dave.
He'll think of something.

He's a smart guy.

-I thought you said Dave was
the bad guy in all of this.

-I have got to look
at these notes.

It's gonna be OK.

I've got everything
we need right here.

Where was I?
Yeah.

Page 2.
[CROWD NOISES]

It's all your fans.

NEWSCASTER (ON TV):
Pictures of Todd Margaret

on his way to the Old
Bailey courthouse.

Our reporter, Snivel
Chalks, is on the scene.

Snivel?

SNIVEL: It's absolute chaos
here at the courthouse.

Passions are running high
as the nation comes together

in outrage at the crimes
of the typical American.

-We've all done a bit of
robbing and stealing, yeah.

But what I wanna
know is, what was he

gonna do with that dildo?

I mean, yeah, she was fit, but
that was when she was alive.

She's dead now.

She'd be rotten-- disgusting.

-President Obama has again
needed to distance himself

from Todd Margaret in an
attempt to heal relations

between Washington and London.

The lists of charges includes
attempted manslaughter

with a truck, the willful
destruction of human organs--

MAGISTRATE: The
theft and release

of megathrax, unlicensed
public nudity,

unlicensed use of an
industrial strength dildo,

and attempted necrophilia
on the number one cash

cow of the British
tourist trade.

--[COUGH] Your Honor, the
evidence is overwhelming,

and we wish not to cost the, uh,
state anymore moneys than have

already been spent, so I suggest
we move straight to sentencing.

-Defense barrister?

-Agree-- to disagree.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury, a grave

and substantial
responsibility has

been given to each and
every one of us here today.

You're going to hear a
lot in the coming days

from my esteemed colleague
from across the aisle.

He's going to make claims
such as, (BABY TALK) Wah.

Todd Margaret took a leak
on my widdle war memorial.

Or wah, Todd Margaret
broke into my MP's office

and jerked me off to death.

Or wah, Todd Margaret dropped
my liver in a garbage can.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

[GASPS]

-I have never seen a bigger
bunch of crybaby pussies

in my entire life.

I mean, good God, I hope Todd
did commit all these crimes.

Todd Margaret is not
on trial here, today.

No.

The entire English
judicial system is.

-[MUTTERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-About that high.
Skinny--

BRENT: Your Honor, I would
like to call some character

witnesses to the stand to
attest to my client's niceness.

DOUG: Lord Mountford,
can I speak with you?

PAM: Are you meant to
get these things on?

-Lord Mountford, I insist
I speak with you at once.

Doug Whitney.
Doug Whitney and associates.

Please don't speak
with me that way.

-They're broken.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

BRENT: And just what did this
supposed vile and awful man

say to you?

-He said we liked my hat.

-I'm sorry.

What's that?

-He said he liked my hat.
---my hat.

He said, "I like your hat."

How'd that make you feel?

-Terrible.

This is a dastar.
It's a religious head covering.

It's not a hat.

I've got to deal with this
kind of ignorance all the time.

-It's on your head.
It's a fucking hat, dude.

Next.

[MURMURING]

-Hello.
-Hi.

-Could you state your name for
the court writer lady, please?

-Uh, Brian Grithig,
the Ipswich molester.

Oh, uh, the South
Pawed Sodomizer,

the Beast of Birmingham, uh, the
Plymouth Playground Predator,

uh, the Boy Butcher of
Bolton, the Belgian Nuisance.

-OK.

We get it, Mr. Grithig.

You're well traveled.

You've known Todd,
uh, quite a while now.

He strike you as a bad guy?

-Oh, no, no.

Not at all.

No.

I mean, he seems just like, uh,
you know-- just like any of us.

-Oh.

Thank you. [MUTTERING]
Just like any of them.

-Your Honor, um, uh, could I
talk to whoever's in charge?

-Overruled.

If it pleases the
court, Your Majesty--

-Your Honor.

-Thank you.

I'd like to take
this opportunity

to address the jury.

Just-- one second.

-No, no, no no, no, no.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Yeah.

Got ya.

SELF HELP CD: You object?

Fuck you, judge.

I object.
Bam.

That's the hammer coming down.

--[CLEARS THROAT]
[SNIFF] Hey, big guy.

You do realize what
a menu is, right?

It's a list of choices.

You don't have to eat 'em all.

Oh, look-- Bridget Jones.

Who's looking after your cat?

Your tub of ice cream?

Hey, gorgeous.

You know what I'd
love to see you in?

1987.

Bitch, your coose is drier than
the desert he crawled out of.

Oh no, Abdul.
Uh oh.

Did I insult you?
please don't bomb me.

Come on, buddy.

Don't you have a cab
you gotta go stink up?

How, ke-mo sah-bee.

Shouldn't you be making
pemmican in a tepee

back on the old pueblo--
(BRITISH ACCENT) Oi, mate.

Shouldn't you be around the
pub, binge drinking and eating

your shit food, and my McVitie's
and having some fucking tea?

Well guess what.

I got a tea bag for ya,
England-- the world's

most boring fucking people.

-Objection, Your Honor--
-(BABY TALK) Objection.

Objection.
Objection.

Mommy, mommy, mommy.

Oh no, mommy,
mommy, mommy, please

don't let the big bad
American boy make me feel bad.

Oh, mommy, mommy, please can
I have some more hot cocoa,

'cause I spilled
it on me jumper?

That's you.

[CROWD NOISES]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[OPERA SINGING]
-Hello.

You look absolutely lovely.

Cheerio. [OPERA SINGING]
Lord Mountford,

I insist that I am
Doug Whitney and I--

-What the bloody
hell's going on?

Who are you?

-Uh, uh-- I-- I'm sorry.

Maybe this is a bad time.

-Well, it's certainly
not a good time.

-Can I speak to you
about your son, David?

-Is that the Old Bailey?

Great.

Listen, uh, I need you to get
a message to Todd Margaret.

Yes, the Todd Margaret.

Tell him to hold tight.

I think I can save his life.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Breaking news at the
Todd Margaret trial.

We go live to Snivel Chalks.

Snivel?

What is the news?

-I'm just hearing news that
diplomatic relations are now

set to thaw between
the US and UK

with the discovery of
incontrovertible evidence

that Todd Margaret is, in fact,
a British citizen, adopted

as an infant by an
American couple.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Your Majesty, permission
to blow a hole in this case

so wide even I'd
be able to fuck it.

I'd like to introduce some
important new evidence

that I believe will
exonerate my client.

Todd Margaret was,
as a small baby,

adopted by an American couple.

And while that fact alone
may seem insignificant,

I am holding in my hand
proof that he was, indeed,

born in Leeds, England.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Wait.
What?

So that means--

-Yeah.

That's right, man.

In your face.

We did it, Buddy.

-Oh, my God.

I wasn't lying after all.

I-- I am from Leeds.

It's over.

-Let's get outta here, huh?

-Take these off me.

I'm going home.

-Stand down, Mr. Margaret.

-But I'm from Leeds.

Didn't you hear?

I wasn't lying.

-You are not charged with
lying about being from Leeds.

-But-- I'm from Leeds.

-Who gives a shit?

-What more do you people want?

That is reasonable doubt.

-No, it is not.

-I get it.

You're on the take.

You all are.

This whole thing is a scam.

How much they
paying you, brother?

-Mr. Wilts, I have
warned you once.

I am now holding you
in contempt of court.

Guards.

-Wait, wait, wai wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait a second.

I would like to
call to the stand

my super, top secret,
bombshell surprise.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,

please welcome to the
stand Mr. Todd Margaret.

Come on.
Give it up.

Come on, Todd.

-[MUTTERING]

-I thought you said putting
the defendant on the stand

was an act of desperation.

-Look, desperate times call for
desperate measures, all right?

I just need you to
stall for a while.

I've got a plan.

-Where's Mr. Whitney?
-Don't worry about this.

This is going to work.
Trust me.

So, uh, Mr. Margaret,
you're new to London,

and you're here to, uh, sell
Thunder Muscle, is that it?

Tell us a little bit about that.

If you could.

[CROWD NOISES]
[DOOR SHUTTING]

-(COCKNEY ACCENT) 'Ello,

'ello, 'ello, 'ello everyone.

[CROWD NOISES]

-Taxi!

-I'm running.

I'm jumping.

I'm skipping along.

-Hello, David Mountford.

It's Alice Bell.

I know who you really are, and
I'm on my way to the courthouse

right now with
evidence that you're

behind all this shit that's
been happening to Todd.

-Mammy, how I love
ya, how I love ya.

My dear old mammy.

Um, "improvisation" is a Latin
word meaning not scripted,

so what I'm going to do is
take your suggestions, uh,

from the audience, and
create a scene with them.

And I'll just need
some suggestions

like, uh, an occupation.

Let's start with an occupation.

-Judge, really--
-Perfect.

Judge.
OK.

Judge.
OK.
OK.
Judge.

OK.
Judge.

How appropriate.
OK.

Uh, just need an emotion.
An emotion.

I just--

-Horny.
-Great.

Horny.
Great.

NEWSCASTER (ON

has no business being
in this country.

All this--

TODD: Oh, my penis is huge,
and it's not going down.

Erection, Your Honor.
[BOING] Sustained.

Gavel, gavel, gavel.
Ouch.

My penis.

And scene.

Come on.

It doesn't have to be as
funny as scripted comedy.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Let's stick to the facts.

OK.
Yes.

You're right.

Your Honor, according to
Archibald, no last name,

"Evidence, having to do you do
with alleged facts of offenses

charged--" where is Brent Wilts?

-You all right, sir?

-Yeah.

-"The burden of proof, verdict,
and subsequent procedure.

If the contention that
the defendant is un--

"--referred to all
five law lords.

Lord Morris referred to the
fact that Lord Herschel, in--"

-Mr. Margaret, this charade
has gone on long enough.

-Or has it, Your Honor?

-Yes, it has.

I shall now bring
this trial to a close.

-Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

I-- I have some famous--
famous last words, Your Honor.

If-- If I could
just-- please-- um,

the past two weeks have
been really, really weird.

But, um, I didn't do any
of those other things

you're saying.

I did none of them.

I didn't murder.

I didn't attempt to rape.

I didn't terrorize-- I
didn't do do any of those--

-Enough.

If you are not going to
call anymore witnesses,

I shall officially end your--

-Wait again.

I do have one person.

I do have one person I can call.

The only person who's been
decent to me in this country.

The only person who's sweet and
pure, and knows the real me.

It's ringing.

[PHONE RINGING]

Methap?

[PHONE RINGING]

It-- it went to, uh, voice mail.

-Is that it, Mr. Margaret?

-There's Alice, but I'm not sure
her head's in the right place,

really.

Ooo.

-I shall now ask
the jury to retire

to consider their verdict.
-No need.

We're good.

-Guilty?

-Of course.

[MURMURING]

-Under the powers vested in me
by the Crown and the country

of England, I hereby find
the defendant, Todd Margaret,

guilty as charged.

And sentence you to
be hung by the neck

until just before death,
when you'll be removed,

revived, and then
drawn and quartered.

[GAVEL BANGING]
[APPLAUSE]

-No, wait.

Wait.
Wait!

[CHANTING]

MALE SPEAKER: Bravo.

Well done.

-Dave?

-Who's Harry Potter now?

Oh, hello, sir.

Um, I was--

-Shut up, David.

I've had to leave a
very important meeting

to clean up your
mess-- ironically.

-I was only having a bit of fun.

-People are not pets.

I've told you that
before, David.

If you can't treat
them properly,

you don't be allowed anymore.

-But I-- I--

-No but-- nothing.

I got you Jon Hamm, and
this is how you act?

-Uh, with all due respect, sir,
you've literally just come from

a--

-Glass, David.

That's the difference.

They're under glass.

Now sit down and keep your
mouth shut for a moment.

I'll go and talk to the judge
and have the case dismissed,

call Sainsbury and have
that whole mess taken

care of-- figure out what to
do this Todd Margaret problem.

Give me Murdock, Cameron,
Obama, and Vilanche.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[FOOTSTEPS]

PRISON GUARD: Open
for Todd Margaret.

-[SIGH] Thank you.

Oh, do you have any,
uh, Chinese mustard?

[DOOR SLAMS]

[SIGH] I don't really
have much of an appetite.

But it is free.

Hmm.

Mmm.

-Can you open cell.

PRISON GUARD: Yes, sir.

[DOOR OPENING]

-I haven't finished my soup yet.

-OK, Mr. Margaret.

Who I am is not important,
and you're not to ask.

Now, here's what's happening.

I have pulled some
strings and I'm

going to make this all go away.

All charges will be dropped.

I have seen to it that you
will be released from prison

forthwith, and your
record expunged.

You will be given 300 pounds,
a new jumper, and an iPod.

However, one problem remains.

You are required
to leave the UK,

but you are an
international pariah.

The Americans won't
have you back,

and after checking, literally,
with every embassy on Earth,

it seems there are only two
countries willing to take you.

The first is Turks and Cacaos.

The second, North Korea.

I would weigh this choice
very carefully, Mr. Margaret.

This is no time to
make a poor decision.

-I have had my fill
of Turks lately,

and I do like sushi, so Korea.

-Right.

North Korea it is, then.

Here's your passport.

And as soon as you've finished
your char siu dumplings,

we'll be off.

-Todd Moon?

I have to have a
Korean last name?

A-- a whole new identity?

-That is your real identity.

We checked your
records at the hospital

where you were born, in Leeds.

-It says here I
was born in 1970.

Wait, I'm-- I'm 41?

I thought was 35.

I just lost six years.

Oh, my God.

Which ones?

[FOOTSTEPS]

Oh, all right.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Get some wine.
[BEEP]

-[SPEAKING KOREAN]

-What?

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

-So this Todd Margaret
chap must have

done something
pretty horrid to you?

-Oh, father, it was the worst.

You remember when I
went to the States

last month for the
Pauper and Looper Garter?

-Hmm.

-Well, whilst I was
there, my mates and I,

we went for a drink in a bar.

-I really need the Falcons to
cover the spread on this one.

I cannot go back to
Spokane empty handed.

-Let me just take these
drinks to my friends

and I'll be right back.
-No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, come on.

You're a fudging nurse.

-Watch it!

-Oh.
Oh, Jesus.

Sorry.

-You bloody wanker.

You massive moppet.

You've ruined my trousers.

-Hey, Harry Potter's here.

And they're called
pants, asshole.

[LAUGHTER]

Can I buy you a drink?

-What happened to your accent?

-Oh, you think I'm
that English guy?

No, no, no.

Which one is he?
-Whatever.

Hey.
Hey.

I-- I just wanna get laid,
so take me home. yeah.

-Oh, God.
Yeah.

Yeah.

Where-- where are we going?

-Do the accent.

Do the accent for me?
-OK.

Uh--
-Can you do that?

-(COCKNEY ACCENT)
'Ello 'ello, 'ello.

Me name's Todd Margaret, and
I'm a right bleeding sod, I am.

-You.

Those guys that were
just here-- tell

me everything you
know about them.

Yeah, so that's
about it, really.

-Well, I don't agree with what
you did, but I'm proud of you.

You showed real ingenuity.

I just wish you'd put the
same amount of creative energy

into something more
worthwhile, like overthrowing

equatorial Guinea, or something.

Still, you're a responsible
rebel, and I love you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-I've gotta warn
ya-- not pretty.

-I dunno.

She's all right.

What are the tits like?

-In the other drawer.
-Todd?

Todd, it's your old man.

I've come here to save you.
TODD: Oh, yeah.

No problem at all.

My real dad's from
Pyongyang, so I can totally

head up the nuclear office.

[APPLAUSE]

-Hey.

Where you been the
last two weeks?

-Oh, I've been travelling.

-You coming to the
corporate fun day?

Stacy's organizing the karaoke.

Should be a real adventure.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERING]

-You know, it doesn't
really make any sense.

How could Global National,
even if it was a shell company,

buy this entire
company without ever

really communicating with them?

And how could Dave
know that Brent Wilts,

at that exact moment,
would walk by when

Todd Margaret's
listening to those self

help CDs back in Portland?

And also, it doesn't
really make sense

that Doug Whitney
would come to the UK

when he wasn't technically
fired in the first place.

Hey--
[ALARM

[CLICK]

THEME SONG: Life is short
and the days are long.

I've gotta get right back
where I don't belong.

Life's still sweet.

So good thing it's gone.

I know what I need.
Life is a--

[EXPLOSION]

MALE SPEAKER: Hello?

Hello?
Anybody?

I suppose there's a
certain irony to this.

[MUSIC PLAYING]