All language subtitles for The.Increasingly.Poor.Decisions.of.Todd.Margaret.S02E05.1080p.WEB-DL.SNK-TV_track5_[eng]

NARRATOR: Previously, on
"The Increasingly Poor

Decisions Of Todd Margaret."

-And we think you'd be
the perfect new face

for Thunder Muscle.

-Snooker!

-Ow, ow!
No!

Ow!
-What's this?

-Oh, a little something I
like to call your new liquor

license.

NEWSCASTER (ON TV):
In Hertfordshire.

ALICE: Oh, no.

My job!

What did you do?

-You bastard.

Digging up Princess
Diana's grave.

-[SPEAKING KOREAN]

-[SPEAKING KOREAN]

-[SPEAKING KOREAN]

-I'm not so sure this
is a good idea, guys.

[THEME MUSIC]

-One Turkish made
mobile phone, black.

One set of fur for
her handcuffs, pink.

Two penis
suck-'em-and-see lollies.

And one I'm-a-little-devil
twist-and-shout dildo--

ball sack ripped.

Don't worry, mate.

You'll be able to replace
all of this in here.

-Yeah, can I make my phone call?

-What do you think this is?

America?

-I don't get to
make a phone call?

You don't do that here?

-Yeah, no, you do.

Just making sure you didn't
think this was America.

-Hi.

I'd like the number for Young
and Knott legal, please.

-Oi!

Want do you think you're doing?

-Making my phone call.

-And that's who you phoned?

Scum.

-Scum?

OK-- yeah, we'll see
what you're saying

when they send one of their
eager beavers down here

and I'm in and out
in two minutes,

and you gotta clean up
the mess, Captain Humph.

-You're go into the nunce wing.

-Thank you.

[THEME MUSIC]

[CROWD NOISES]

-Hey, cellmate.

-Hi.

-Todd, isn't it?

Two Ds?

Welcome to the wing.

Now don't get up, sleepyhead.

I just want to take you through
the morning's itinerary.

Breakfast is served at eight.

Then there's some
time to yourself.

I like to call that free swim.

Uh, then is Sing
Along on Mondays,

and then, it's
the reading group.

-OK.

-It's super.

You see, before I
came to live here,

I used to write graphic
stories for children.

So we like to gather in
a circle and enjoy those.

-OK.

[THEME MUSIC]

ALICE: Right, you
two, stop wrestling.

No more [INAUDIBLE]
for you, mister.

I need you to eat that roll.
Give me the--

[DOOR BELL]

POLICE OFFICER: Exuse me.

Do you need some
assistance, ma'am?

-Uh, yeah, thank you.
I would.

It's him.

He won't touch his egg roll.

I cannot really give him
his Riesling, otherwise.

-All right, you.

Touch the roll.
-Ugh.

-You heard the lady.

All of you, take a
bite of your egg rolls.

On three.
Ready?

One, two, three.

-Alice, uh, may I have
a bowl of soup please?

-Yes, of course you can, Mary.

CUSTOMER: And a
liter of shabbly.

ALICE: Right.

-Uh, excuse me, madam.

Where'd you get your
liquor license, there?

-Huh?

Oh, I got that from To--
from the-- uh, from-- uh,

from the town.

From the town hall.

The-- uh, the coun--
council, uh, meeting.

It's legitimate.

-Do you mind if I
take a look at it?

-Yeah.

No, but go-- I mean,
it's not the original.

-Where's the original, then?

-In Leeds.

-Why's it in Leeds?

-[SIGH] I was brought up there.

Well, my dad was.

I still visit him.

He's not dead.

-Uh, this is invalid.

-Huh?

-You need to get
this authorized.

Alice Bell.
-Yeah.

Well, I've just--
I've been a bit busy,

so I'm-- I'm going
to get around to it.

-Are you Alice Bell?

-No, no.
No, no, no, no.

That-- that's, um,
that's my sister.

MARY: Alice?

M-- my soup, dear?

-In a minute, Mary.

-She just called you Alice.

-Yeah.

No, becau-- no, I am Alice.

We're-- we're twins.

-Twins?

With the same first name?
-Yeah.

Well, because we were identical.
You can still get us muddled up.

You know.

Um, well, she's black.

Um, can you say that?

I don't know anymore.

It's--

-Run a check for
me on Alice Bell,

proprietor of Graceland's Cafe.

POLICE OFFICER (ON
SCANNER): Copy that.

-Well, thank you very much,
officers, for all the helping.

Um, I'll just-- can I
get you something to eat?

Take away?

-You all right?

You seem nervous.
-I'm not nervous.

I'm not nervous, I'm ju-- what,
is it a crime to be nervous?

To laugh?

Is tha-- Is that a crime?

Now, bioterrosim,
is that a crime?

-Yes.

A very serious crime.

Why'd you ask?
-Why?

Whh-- whatcha-- is it a
crime to ask questions?

I mean, you're asking questions.

You should just watch yourself.

OK?

Someone might arrest you, too.

-No one's arresting you, ma'am.

-Good.

I'm free to-- to go,
then, to my kitchen,

because I have
received my orders.

You-- you have your
orders, and I have mine,

so I'll be back in a moment.

Alice, just think.
Think.

Todd Margaret, what
have you got me into?

God [MUTTERING].

Just a minute.
Think.

POLICE OFFICER (ON

is a person of interest in
the furthering investigations

into Todd Margaret.

Approach with caution.
POLICE OFFICER: Todd Margaret?

She's not here.

-What's that?

-Bio-terrorism.

It's a bomb.

-I love you.

[BEEPING]

--[SIGH] Hey, I
love you, too, man.

-Oh, fuck off me, you faggot.

INMATES: (SINGING) Loop to the
left, and a loop to the right.

Tie a little bow--
what a lovely sight.

That's how we tie our shoes.

Buh, bum.

[APPLAUSE]

-Wow.

That was wonderful, guys.

And now, it's Brian story time.

Brian?

-OK.

Well, uh, when we last
left off, uh, the Prince

and his two little
playmates, Thomas and Nigel,

had been locked away
by the evil school

teacher in the sanctimonious
tower of "morality."

-Oooo.

-Booo.

-"'How will I ever escape,'
asked the short- trousered,

school uniformed Thomas, his
cherubic face streaked with

tears.

'Don't you worry, little
angel,' said the Prince,

as he kissed the tears away.

'I've sent Owlsy
Owl on a mission

to tell good King Ginsburg.

He'll rescue us.'

Nigel stiffened.

'But that will take hours.'
'Well,' said the Prince,

'Let's play a game.'"

-Visitor for Todd Margaret.

-Ugh, I wanna hear
how this ends.

Brian's good, huh?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[TOILET FLUSHING]

-Just contaminated
another crime scene.

-I'm not done thoroughly
scouring the room yet,

but I did deduce,
for my initial tests,

that Todd Margaret has
definitely been here.

-Yeah, it looks like he
fled through the window

in terror, probably
using some kind

of ironing board of
some description.

-Huh, very good, Mr. Watson.

I'm impressed.

-Uh, just looking at
the evidence, right?

-Oh, also, I ran a brief
graphological analysis

of this "who am I" note.

And I have concluded
that this is clearly

a man confused of
his own identity.

I mean, look at the
up-sweep on this letter H.

-Yeah, I'm thinking like
a light pink ironing

board with a white base
and purple squares.

you know?
[KNOCKING]

ALICE: Hey!
Open up.

[KNOCKING]

-It's Todd Margaret.

I think he's pretending
to be an old Irish woman.

-OK.

[GRUNT]

-What?

-Oh.

Hey.

Alice.

-What the fuck are you doing?

Who are you?

-Take it easy.

Kitty's got claws.

-Oh, shut up, please.

Just shut up.

Oh, I know-- you're gonna rip
me a new asshole, or what is it,

take your-- your
big cock and plow

me so hard it'll look like my
vag has been in a plane crash?

But you're not, are you?

And do you know why you're not?

Because you can't.

Because you are so
clearly over compensating

for your prematurely ejaculating
soft little nub of a thing.

Do you want to know how
to really satisfy a woman?

Buy her some flowers.

Take her to dinner.

OK?

Get her home, put some music on,
slowly take off your clothes,

and then shoot
yourself in the face.

OK?
Dead.

Don't miss.

-Hi, I'm Doug Whitney.

I don't believe we've met yet.
-All right.

So you're caught up in
this mess as well, are you?

Where is Todd Margaret?

I'm in a world of
trouble because of him--

because of you.

I need to clear my bloody name.

Where is he?

-Um, we don't actually know
that yet, at the present time.

-Look, he's obviously
duped us all

into thinking that he's some
kind of a simple idiot, when

clearly he is
obscenely powerful.

-Yeah, there's a man of
mystery named Mountford who's

acting as his consulary, and
we think Todd Margaret is just

a cover identity for an
international criminal

mastermind.

-Well, I don't think that.

-Hey fairy, you're on TV.

-What?

-Hello.

-Oh, hey, Pam.

Sorry.

I'm really sorry
I didn't call you.

My-- I actually lost my phone--
-Who are you?

My-- I actually lost my phone--
-Who are you?
-Who are you?
NEWSCASTER (ON TV): --prison.

-Who are you?
NEWSCASTER (ON TV): --prison.

Todd Margaret, the
megathrax bio-terrorist

was arrested this
morning whilst trying

to exhume Princess
Diana with a dildo.

Also wanted for organ vandalism,
running a counterfeit money

ring on the suspected
wanker side of an MP.

-Whoa.

-I told you so.

-Oh, please.

If he's such a
mastermind, why would he

let himself get arrested?

-That's a good point.

Why would he let
himself be arrested?

-So he can tunnel out, dumbass.

It's part of his whole thing--
-Stop talking.

OK?

Just-- just let me just try
and figure this mess out.

OK.

He-- he's not some
kind of mastermind.

What is the one thing we know
for sure about Todd Margaret?

-He's a twat.

[THEME MUSIC]
-Dave.

Oh, thank God.

-Mate, what happened?

I came as soon as I heard.
-I don't know.

It's some crazy
misunderstanding.

You gotta get me outta here.

-Well, what do you
expect me to do?

Call the Minister of Justice?

This is really bad timing, mate.

They're thinking about
reinstating the death penalty.

-What?

-They're calling it
the Todd Margaret bill.

-That won't apply
to me, will it?

-What've they said to
you about a hearing?

-I don't know.

Something like six weeks
or something like that--

-Six weeks?

I can't wait that long.

I need to be in Milan for
Berlusconi's birthday.

Shit.

-They're gonna give
me a death penalty,

[KNOCKING]

--[SIGH] I'm going to have to
call the Minister of Justice.

-Dave?

Dave?
Dave?

-Right, so you-- you
hired Todd as a temp?

-He said he had
good people skills.

-Right.

And you-- you were-- you
were hired by Melford-- a man

you've never met or even
seen, who just out of the blue

makes you president of
a multinational company?

-Good people skills?
-OK.

So-- so you set Todd up with
passport, ticket, flat, office,

company phone,
assistant, bank account.

-Yes.

Except for any of that.

I didn't do any of that.

-What?

Well, who did?

-Melford.

-What-- so-- so-- so Todd is
just magically handed all this

information, he just
flies into London,

arrives into his office,
where his assistant,

Dave, is waiting for him.
-And you know what?

Dave's actually pretty smart.
He's been very helpful to us.

Dave's actually pretty smart.
He's been very helpful to us.
He's been very helpful to us.
DOUG: Yes.

He's been very helpful to us.
DOUG: Yes.

-Dave isn't smart, you idiots.

He is a manipulative cock.

OK?

He repeatedly made a fool
outta Todd in my cafe.

He dressed him up in
ridiculous clothes.

He made him waste 50
grand on a snooker player.

Got him beaten up all the time.

The last time Dave helped, he
was in a coma for three days.

-OK.

For your information,
sister, without Dave,

we wouldn't be here, so--

-That's true.

-Right.

Well, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

-Doug is Melford

-Dave is behind all this.

-Yes.

Todd Margaret is Dave.

That's why we've never
see them in the same room

together, right?
That--

DOUG: You are good.

I have-- look, now,
two side kicks.

-You don't have
any side kicks, OK?

Who are you?

-I'm--

-Anyway, it doesn't matter.

Don't answer that.

I am gonna hunt
this asshole down.

Right.

You need to, um, go
and talk to Todd.

See if you can find
out where Dave is.

-Yes.

I will go commit a
crime and engineer

a way to get into his cell.

-Just visit him.

-Yes.

They won't be expecting
that, will they?

-That's even better.

BRENT: Scotland Yard.

[THEME MUSIC]

-So Brian, you seem
like a nice enough guy.

What'd you do to land in here?

-Oh, nothing, really.

Kidd stuff.

So, um, tell me
your story, Todd.

Tell me about,
um, Todd Margaret.

-Well, I came over here to
sell Thunder Muscle, and I--

-No, no, no, no no, no, no.

Go-- go back to the beginning.

-Oh, well, I was temping
in an office in Portland.

-No, no, no, no.

Back, back, back, back, back.

-Uh, I graduated
high school and--

-Further.

-Grade school?

-Further.

-I was six years old?
-Great.

Yeah.

Let's start there.

So, you were playing with
your little friends, yeah?

-Yeah.

Um, well, my best friend at the
time was this kid Mark Boylan,

and we'd play freeze
tag together, and--

-Uh, what were you wearing?

-I don't know.

T-shirt.

Shorts.

Sneakers.

I don't kno-- Man, you writers
sure love your detail, huh?

-Oh, yeah.

-Well, Mark had the tiniest
little birthmark, right.

[THEME MUSIC]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Oh, Jesus, man.

You're worse than
my second wife.

She was anal, too-- and
not in the good way.

Come on, man, let's
get outta here.

-Oh, Brent.

I'm not going to apologize
for being responsible

and tidying up and
doing the right thing.

-It's Todd Margaret.

I don't think he's coming back.

-OK, well let me just at
least alphabetize these CDs.

-Whoa, whoa.
Let me see that.

Oh.

Reverent Harris Goody.

-Oh, these are the self help
CDs you were mentioning.

-Yeah, yeah.

That one's mine, but
this one's not mine.

There's something
about this guy's voice.

Like he could sell cigarettes
to a cancer hospice.

-Hey, we've been here before.

Remember the, uh, crest
of Sir Lancelot's cousin?

-What?
Did I fuck her?

-No.

We've been here.

This is the crest at
Lord Mountford's mansion.

Elementary, Doctor Wiltson.

-Hey, yeah.

It's that same shitty house.

-Lord Mountford's
attending that symposium

for business women trapped
beneath the glass ceiling

tomorrow at the Academic
Society of Westminster.

I've got to gain access somehow.

If only I had a wig
and some fake breasts.

Or better yet, a business
woman I could sneak in with.

-Or better yet, if you died.

-Uh, Pam, do you happen to
have a wig and fake breasts?

-No, they're real.

-No.

OK-- um, well-- do
you have any friends

that are business women?
-What, Lizzers?

-No, no.

Not like that.

Uh, OK, never mind.

Um, would you be persuadable
for a little game of dress up,

so we can sneak into--

-Oh, you want me to
slap you about a bit.

Right?
OK.

Um, I don't do anal.
Yeah, right.

I will.

But we need to put a
plastic sheet down.

But the kids are
watching telly, so you're

gonna have to keep it down.

-No, I'm afraid you
have me mistaken.

I'm not here for
intercourse with you, I--

-What do you want,
then, you weirdo?

-Well, I respect you very much.

I just have a proposition
of a different kind.

-So you don't want that?

-No, um, but do you
own any underwear?

-Under what?

-It's like an
undergarment that you

can wrap around your genitalia.

-Why?

-Hygiene?

-Are you gonna cry through this?

-Uh, I just want to keep
you clean-- I mean, I-- I--

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-He's about this-- this tall.

His-- his name is Dave.

He's early 20s.

He was in here with Steve Davis.

-Yeah.

I seen him.

He was in here with Steve Davis.

-Yeah.

Um, where can I--

-Name's uh--

-Dave.

His name's Dave.

Dave.
-Dave.

-Yeah.

I'm looking for him.

So do you think you can--

-Young lad, like early 20s.

-Yeah.

Where can I find him?
Because--

-About this-- this tall?

-Doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter.

-You're looking for him?

-Yeah.

Forget-- forget it.

Doesn't matter.
-So you want your drink, then?

-I didn't order a drink.

-You didn't order
a drink, did ya?

-Jesus.

You're-- you're like some kind
of reverse Obi-Wan Kenobi.

-Yeah, I'm kinda like a river.
-Hi.

Um, Mr. Davis?
Hi.

Sorry.

Look, um, first of all,
I want to apologize

for throwing you out of my cafe.

-No, dear, it's me that
should apologize to you.

It was all a bit of a blur.

One minute I'm sat there,
the next thing I knew,

I was naked, in a bin,
outside a Burger King,

gherkins everywhere.

-Oh.

Well-- well, I'm
sorry to hear that.

-Everywhere.

-OK.

Well, um, about that
day, do-- do you remember

an associate of Todd Margaret's?

His name was Dave.

-No.

I-- I had just met
the bloke once.

I don't really remember much.

-No?

Nothing strike you
about him as-- as odd,

or that-- that stands out?

-No.
Sorry.

Oh, wait.

There was one thing.

When I spoke to
him on the phone,

I heard someone saying,
"Stroke, stroke."

-Stroke?

Maybe he was calling
from a rowing club.

-Oh.

Yeah.

That makes more sense.

I was thinking-- yeah,
that woulda been it.

[THEME MUSIC]

-Dave?

Dave?

-Dave.

-Dave?

-Dave.

-Dave?

-Dave.

-Dave.

-Dave.

-Dave?
-Dave.

-Dave.

-Dave.

-Dave.

-Dave!

Dave!
-Dave!

-Dave!

-Dave!

-Dave.
Dave?

-Dave, Dave, Dave,
Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave.

-Dave.

My assistant Dave, right?

Wha-- What makes you
so sure it's Dave?

-Look at the facts, man.

They're staring you in the face.

Alice figured it out.
-Alice?

You spoke to Alice Did--
did she mention me at all?

Did she mention anything
about a-- a kiss?

I mean, it was sort of a kiss.

Uh, in some cultures,
definitely a kiss.

Would you call this a kiss?
-Jesus, you fuckwit.

Are you crazy?

They're gonna fuck us like
twin sisters in an oil rig,

starting with you.

Look, just don't
worry about Alice, OK?

She's looking for Dave.

-She is?
-Yeah.

[DOOR OPENS]

-Did she mention
anything about a kiss?

BARRISTER: Todd Margaret?

My name is Colin
DeGranville, QC.

-Hi.

-Forgive me if I forego
certain pleasantries,

but time is scarce.

The hearing has been
brought forward to tomorrow.

-Tomorrow?
-I know.

Extraordinary decision.

Now, I've done lot
of work on this,

and there is cause for hope.

A number of these
charges are based

on circumstantial evidence.

A number contravene
European human rights laws.

I am fairly confident that we
can substantially reduce the--

-Hey, get the fuck outta here!

-Excuse me?

-Dave sent you to fuck
with Todd, didn't he?

-Dave sent you?
-No.

I'm a state appointed defender--
one of the most highly

respected barristers in London.
-Oh, yeah?

Like they sent their top guy?

-Well, it's a principal of
the English judicial system.

-Yeah, well you tell
Dave that Todd Margaret

fights his own legal battles.

-Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Give Dave a message for me.

-Oof!

-Oh yeah.

-Haha.
[DOOR CLOSES]

-Phew.

Yeah. [HUMMING "DIXIE"] Ow.

Goll.
Hand.

-I'm still gonna need
a lawyer, though.

-Objection, your honor.

SELF HELP CD: Hello, asshole.

I'm Reverent Harris Goody
with another self help CD.

So, you need to pretend
to be a barrister?

Well, guess what, douchebag?

I can take you there
in four easy steps.

Step one.

Don't take no for an answer.

Nut up.

Interrupt and interrupt often.

You object?

Fuck you, Judge.

I object.

Bam.

That's the hammer coming down.

NEWSCASTER (ON TV):
In London, England,

for over 150 crimes,
ranging from--

-No.
Honey?

NEWSCASTER (ON TV):
--to mass murder.

Reporting for KPGW,
I'm Stephanie Daily.

-That boy been in--
in a lot of trouble.

Now why you have to go and
tell him that he was adopted?

-Now I gotta go to
the airport again.

THEME SONG: Life is short
and the days are long.

I've gotta get right back
where I don't belong.

Life's still sweet.

So good, then it's gone.

Ignore myself.

Anticipation.

Things are gonna get worse.

-Are you there, God?

It's me, Margaret.

[MUSIC PLAYING]