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NARRATOR: Previously on "The
Increasingly Poor Decisions
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00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:05,400
of Todd Margaret."
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00:00:05,400 --> 00:00:07,870
-This is our very last pound.
4
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-I'm from the Death
Wish Foundation,
5
00:00:09,820 --> 00:00:13,080
and we make dreams come true
for dying retarded women.
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00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:15,760
-Can you, you know, when you
spent your summers in Leeds?
7
00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:17,000
-Yeah?
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-You lived in a hospital.
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-Oh, uh-- well, I'm
from Canada, actually.
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I'm just working in Leeds.
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I had just popped
down to see Alice.
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00:00:37,750 --> 00:00:40,110
-I'm not so sure this
is a good idea, guys.
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00:00:40,110 --> 00:00:41,610
[ALARM]
14
00:00:45,610 --> 00:00:48,210
-Oh, this must bring back
a lot of memories, eh?
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00:00:48,210 --> 00:00:50,550
Young Todd Margaret playing
around with his mates
16
00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:52,750
in the old oncology ward.
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00:00:52,750 --> 00:00:54,560
-Can we please just get
me back to bed, Dave?
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00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:56,560
My ass anesthetic is
starting to wear off.
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00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:57,450
-Oh, come on.
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00:00:57,450 --> 00:00:58,830
I want to see where you grew up.
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OK, look, Dave.
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00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:00,940
All right.
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00:01:00,940 --> 00:01:02,270
I'm gonna be honest
with you, all right?
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00:01:02,270 --> 00:01:05,500
Let you in on a little secret.
25
00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:07,850
Um-- you know how I
said I grew up in Leeds?
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-Oh, it's a good job you did.
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00:01:09,610 --> 00:01:11,080
You know, when I told
my uncle about how
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00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:12,890
you were born in Leeds,
spent your summers here
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00:01:12,890 --> 00:01:15,040
in this hospital,
well, we couldn't
30
00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:16,550
make that deal soon enough.
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-Look-- really?
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-Yeah, you got it.
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00:01:21,430 --> 00:01:22,860
-Oh my god, that's great.
34
00:01:22,860 --> 00:01:23,850
Oh, man.
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00:01:23,850 --> 00:01:25,580
Oh, Wilts is gonna
be so psyched.
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00:01:25,580 --> 00:01:26,720
Me, too.
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00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:27,480
I'm gonna be psyched.
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-Oh, yeah.
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00:01:28,020 --> 00:01:30,210
They were beaming with
local Leeds pride.
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One of their own,
they kept saying.
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Better be one of our own.
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00:01:33,590 --> 00:01:34,310
Anyway, I'm sorry.
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00:01:34,310 --> 00:01:36,290
You were supposed to tell
me a secret about something.
44
00:01:36,290 --> 00:01:37,340
-Oh.
Yeah.
45
00:01:37,340 --> 00:01:42,440
Just, uh, that over there is
where I got my first handjob.
46
00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:45,600
-I'm not sure that
really counts, Todd.
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00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:47,690
Anyway, let's get you back
and drugged up, shall w?
48
00:01:47,690 --> 00:01:48,660
-Yes, please.
49
00:01:48,660 --> 00:01:49,800
-Well, this is your old place.
50
00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:51,780
How do we get back to your room?
51
00:01:51,780 --> 00:01:53,200
-Um, left?
52
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:53,960
-Left it is.
53
00:01:57,140 --> 00:01:58,030
Hm.
54
00:01:58,030 --> 00:01:59,540
Well, this isn't it.
55
00:01:59,540 --> 00:02:02,040
-No, this is the
kitchen, obviously.
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00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:03,420
I just wanted to show you this.
57
00:02:03,420 --> 00:02:05,020
-Doesn't look much
like a kitchen, either.
58
00:02:05,020 --> 00:02:06,340
-Well, it is.
59
00:02:06,340 --> 00:02:08,910
There's the blender,
and there's the food
60
00:02:08,910 --> 00:02:10,120
gurney, and the fridge.
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00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:10,630
Come on.
62
00:02:10,630 --> 00:02:12,290
You've seen one kitchen,
you've seen 'em all.
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00:02:12,290 --> 00:02:12,990
Come on, we gotta go.
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00:02:12,990 --> 00:02:14,780
-Oh, I'm just gonna
grab a cold drink.
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00:02:14,780 --> 00:02:16,620
-Well, there's probably
not drinks in there.
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00:02:16,620 --> 00:02:17,540
That's uh--
67
00:02:17,540 --> 00:02:18,620
-Ah.
68
00:02:18,620 --> 00:02:20,710
Dr. Spencin.
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00:02:20,710 --> 00:02:22,020
His lunchbox, I presume.
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00:02:22,020 --> 00:02:24,430
-Yeah, it's just staff
lunch keeps it in here.
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00:02:24,430 --> 00:02:26,410
You know, just, uh--
yeah, deli meats.
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00:02:26,410 --> 00:02:27,150
That kind of thing.
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00:02:27,150 --> 00:02:31,420
Just sort of, uh-- oh god,
oh god, oh god, oh no!
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00:02:31,420 --> 00:02:31,920
No!
75
00:02:31,920 --> 00:02:32,940
No, god!
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00:02:32,940 --> 00:02:35,050
OK, we'll pick this up,
because this important.
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00:02:35,050 --> 00:02:36,420
-Oh, that's just--
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00:02:36,420 --> 00:02:36,920
-Oh!
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00:02:36,920 --> 00:02:37,630
No, wait.
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00:02:37,630 --> 00:02:38,530
Oh, god.
81
00:02:38,530 --> 00:02:39,890
Ah!
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-It's a wriggly little
thing, isn't it?
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-I know.
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It's not-- it's--
usually it's barbecued.
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OK.
Come on.
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00:02:46,270 --> 00:02:48,230
Get in there.
Get in!
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Get in!
88
00:02:54,470 --> 00:02:55,610
-For god's sake.
89
00:02:55,610 --> 00:02:57,520
-Oh, please, call me.
90
00:02:57,520 --> 00:02:59,590
Yes, it's called roleplaying.
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00:02:59,590 --> 00:03:01,690
It's like Dr. Kirkenbaum said.
92
00:03:01,690 --> 00:03:04,140
-I thought you said his
doctor's name was Palmer.
93
00:03:04,140 --> 00:03:05,820
-Well, yeah, that was
one of his doctors.
94
00:03:05,820 --> 00:03:08,770
But it was Dr.
Kirkenbaum, he was the one
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00:03:08,770 --> 00:03:10,820
that discovered
that Todd-- well, he
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00:03:10,820 --> 00:03:13,280
had this acute
case of penis envy.
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00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:14,090
-What?
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00:03:14,090 --> 00:03:17,840
-Todd was bitterly jealous of
this imaginary friend's penis.
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00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:21,620
And to be quite fair,
it was very big.
100
00:03:21,620 --> 00:03:22,530
-OK, where's this taxi?
101
00:03:22,530 --> 00:03:23,970
I'm gonna be late for my train.
102
00:03:23,970 --> 00:03:26,620
-I wish you could see what
Todd's mother and I see in him.
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00:03:26,620 --> 00:03:28,390
I mean, the qualities
that made us
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00:03:28,390 --> 00:03:30,040
adopt him in the first place.
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00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:32,720
If you could see those,
then I'm just really
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00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:35,590
sure you'd give it another shot.
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00:03:35,590 --> 00:03:38,160
-There is no another shot.
108
00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:40,440
There was never a
shot to begin with.
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00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:43,820
Todd means well, but I
just-- I'm not interested.
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00:03:43,820 --> 00:03:46,140
I'm sorry.
111
00:03:46,140 --> 00:03:48,480
-My dad is gonna be so upset.
112
00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:51,450
I just don't even know
what I'm gonna say to him.
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00:03:51,450 --> 00:03:55,910
-Hey, but that's my taxi.
114
00:03:55,910 --> 00:03:56,900
Todd's adopted?
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-Finally.
116
00:04:00,850 --> 00:04:03,600
Feel like I could
sleep for three days.
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00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:04,550
-Again?
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00:04:04,550 --> 00:04:05,510
Excuse me.
119
00:04:05,510 --> 00:04:07,940
How long before the
morphine takes effect?
120
00:04:07,940 --> 00:04:09,430
-Now.
121
00:04:09,430 --> 00:04:13,820
That was dropped off for
Mr. Margaret earlier.
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00:04:13,820 --> 00:04:16,260
-Oh, yeah.
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00:04:16,260 --> 00:04:19,350
How are you feeling, Todd?
-Good.
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00:04:19,350 --> 00:04:20,340
Good.
Good.
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00:04:20,340 --> 00:04:22,890
Uh, I miss Butterscotch.
126
00:04:22,890 --> 00:04:24,750
Aw.
127
00:04:24,750 --> 00:04:25,790
-Hey, boss.
128
00:04:25,790 --> 00:04:27,500
Your buddy Hudson,
he sent you a bear.
129
00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:28,320
-Ugh, Hudson?
130
00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:28,850
That guy?
131
00:04:28,850 --> 00:04:30,560
He's Alice's ex.
132
00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:34,360
He's still trying to get with
her, but she's just friends.
133
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:35,700
Yeah.
134
00:04:35,700 --> 00:04:36,650
Her tits are fine.
135
00:04:36,650 --> 00:04:38,600
I don't know what
I was thinking.
136
00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:39,630
Wait.
He's here?
137
00:04:39,630 --> 00:04:40,380
-Hey, Todd.
138
00:04:40,380 --> 00:04:41,300
Look at me.
139
00:04:41,300 --> 00:04:42,210
I'm a talking Bear.
140
00:04:42,210 --> 00:04:43,100
-Hudson?
141
00:04:43,100 --> 00:04:44,430
-Ha ha ha.
142
00:04:44,430 --> 00:04:46,850
I heard you got creamed
at a rugby game.
143
00:04:46,850 --> 00:04:47,850
Ouch.
144
00:04:47,850 --> 00:04:49,270
Sorry I couldn't visit--
-How did you bear?
145
00:04:49,270 --> 00:04:50,800
How did you be a bear?
146
00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:51,970
-Some crazy news.
147
00:04:51,970 --> 00:04:53,870
Alice got a job on La Molecule.
148
00:04:53,870 --> 00:04:54,780
Yeah.
149
00:04:54,780 --> 00:04:56,490
Meeting her there tonight.
150
00:04:56,490 --> 00:04:58,040
She wants to thank me.
151
00:04:58,040 --> 00:05:00,120
If you know what I mean.
152
00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:02,990
I think she thinks I had
something to do with it.
153
00:05:02,990 --> 00:05:04,110
-Anyway--
-What?
154
00:05:04,110 --> 00:05:04,960
-Feel better.
155
00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:06,330
Don't know how long
these things record--
156
00:05:06,330 --> 00:05:07,350
-What did you say?
157
00:05:07,350 --> 00:05:08,160
-Look at me.
158
00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:10,100
I'm a talking bar.
159
00:05:10,100 --> 00:05:11,940
Sorry I couldn't visit you--
-Not, not that part.
160
00:05:11,940 --> 00:05:13,000
After that.
- --London.
161
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:14,070
Some crazy news.
162
00:05:14,070 --> 00:05:16,330
Alice got a job on La Molecule.
163
00:05:16,330 --> 00:05:16,870
-Yeah.
164
00:05:16,870 --> 00:05:17,760
I know.
165
00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:19,480
I got her that job.
166
00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:21,620
-She wants to thank me,
if you know what I mean.
167
00:05:21,620 --> 00:05:22,430
-No.
168
00:05:22,430 --> 00:05:23,270
This isn't fair.
169
00:05:23,270 --> 00:05:24,940
This is like a reverse Othello.
170
00:05:24,940 --> 00:05:27,160
He's stealing her with lies.
171
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My lies!
172
00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:28,980
BEAR: Don't know how long
these things record--
173
00:05:28,980 --> 00:05:29,760
-What are you doing?
174
00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:30,260
-Huh?
175
00:05:30,260 --> 00:05:32,010
I have to get back
to the La Molecule.
176
00:05:32,010 --> 00:05:33,170
-Have to go back to London.
177
00:05:33,170 --> 00:05:34,360
-No, you don't!
178
00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:35,690
No!
Dave.
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00:05:35,690 --> 00:05:36,190
Dave.
180
00:05:36,190 --> 00:05:37,490
Go get the truck.
181
00:05:37,490 --> 00:05:38,730
I gotta break out of here.
182
00:05:38,730 --> 00:05:39,250
-Break out?
183
00:05:39,250 --> 00:05:41,670
You can just discharge yourself.
184
00:05:41,670 --> 00:05:43,350
-OK.
185
00:05:43,350 --> 00:05:44,270
-No, no, no.
186
00:05:44,270 --> 00:05:46,450
Todd, I mean you can sign
out at the front desk.
187
00:05:46,450 --> 00:05:46,950
-OK.
188
00:05:46,950 --> 00:05:47,570
Yeah, yeah.
189
00:05:47,570 --> 00:05:48,690
OK.
190
00:05:48,690 --> 00:05:49,860
Just go get the truck.
191
00:05:49,860 --> 00:05:51,050
I'll meet you out in five.
192
00:05:51,050 --> 00:05:51,570
-All right.
193
00:05:51,570 --> 00:05:52,540
-Don't forget your morphine.
194
00:05:52,540 --> 00:05:53,230
-Yes.
195
00:05:53,230 --> 00:05:54,270
The morphine.
196
00:05:54,270 --> 00:05:55,190
-Hey, Todd.
197
00:05:55,190 --> 00:05:56,260
Look at me.
198
00:05:56,260 --> 00:05:58,250
I'm a talking bear.
199
00:05:58,250 --> 00:05:59,580
Ha ha ha.
-Hey.
200
00:05:59,580 --> 00:06:00,470
Hudson Bear.
201
00:06:00,470 --> 00:06:02,620
Can I talk to you
for one second?
202
00:06:02,620 --> 00:06:06,250
-Sorry I couldn't visit you,
I had to go back to London.
203
00:06:06,250 --> 00:06:11,680
[DISTORTED VOICE]
204
00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:13,760
-You sleep with Jesus Bear now.
205
00:06:18,980 --> 00:06:22,850
Hi, Todd Margaret checking
out of room one I was in.
206
00:06:22,850 --> 00:06:26,510
Also, I ordered Salisbury steak,
and I didn't order potatoes,
207
00:06:26,510 --> 00:06:28,130
but it came with
potatoes, so I didn't
208
00:06:28,130 --> 00:06:30,890
want the potatoes-- get
that off the bill, please?
209
00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:33,020
-So then, I'll just
need your credit card.
210
00:06:33,020 --> 00:06:33,830
-Yeah.
211
00:06:33,830 --> 00:06:35,450
How much are we
talking, you think?
212
00:06:35,450 --> 00:06:37,070
-Have to check.
213
00:06:37,070 --> 00:06:38,210
Thousands of pounds.
214
00:06:38,210 --> 00:06:39,270
-What?
215
00:06:39,270 --> 00:06:40,840
How many thousands?
216
00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:41,740
One thousands?
217
00:06:41,740 --> 00:06:46,370
-You were in intensive care
in a coma for three days.
218
00:06:46,370 --> 00:06:46,940
-Really?
219
00:06:46,940 --> 00:06:49,060
I don't remember any of that.
220
00:06:49,060 --> 00:06:50,700
-Your liability is
most likely to be
221
00:06:50,700 --> 00:06:53,790
in the hundreds of thousands.
-OK.
222
00:06:53,790 --> 00:06:54,460
I'm sorry.
223
00:06:54,460 --> 00:06:57,060
I thought, um, health care
was free in this country
224
00:06:57,060 --> 00:06:58,370
no matter what.
225
00:06:58,370 --> 00:06:59,780
That's how Obama's
trying to fuck us
226
00:06:59,780 --> 00:07:01,300
over and have that in America.
227
00:07:01,300 --> 00:07:03,180
-Health care is free.
228
00:07:03,180 --> 00:07:04,830
If you're born here.
229
00:07:04,830 --> 00:07:06,810
-Well, that's racist.
230
00:07:09,390 --> 00:07:11,300
-Can I get that
credit card, please?
231
00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:13,230
-Nope.
232
00:07:13,230 --> 00:07:14,190
This is not my good card.
233
00:07:14,190 --> 00:07:16,370
My good card is in
my pants in the room.
234
00:07:16,370 --> 00:07:17,440
I left it in the room.
235
00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:18,030
Call the maid.
236
00:07:18,030 --> 00:07:19,300
Tell them not clean
up, and I'll go
237
00:07:19,300 --> 00:07:24,420
get-- I'll have to go get-- um--
let me go get to, uh-- my room,
238
00:07:24,420 --> 00:07:24,920
OK?
239
00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:27,980
I have to get my other
pants, and then, um-- then
240
00:07:27,980 --> 00:07:29,660
I'll come right back, OK?
241
00:07:29,660 --> 00:07:30,420
It's downstairs.
242
00:07:30,420 --> 00:07:31,920
I've just got to go downstairs.
243
00:07:31,920 --> 00:07:33,250
I'm going downstairs.
244
00:07:43,100 --> 00:07:44,600
-One liver has gone missing.
245
00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:46,590
It's the only compatible
liver we've found.
246
00:07:46,590 --> 00:07:48,580
Without it, Professor
Spencin will die.
247
00:07:48,580 --> 00:07:50,300
-Check the security tapes.
248
00:07:50,300 --> 00:07:52,370
-Just have to get
these to Dr. House.
249
00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:57,950
-Is Mr. Margaret still here?
250
00:07:57,950 --> 00:07:59,410
Turns out he is on the system.
251
00:07:59,410 --> 00:08:00,800
Just weren't looking
back far enough.
252
00:08:04,540 --> 00:08:05,970
-Drive!
Drive!
253
00:08:09,390 --> 00:08:12,810
I gotta get this Thunder
Muscle to La Mol--
254
00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:29,090
-For dinner, we've got
the frozen tiger veloute
255
00:08:29,090 --> 00:08:30,580
on an invisible spoon.
256
00:08:30,580 --> 00:08:32,360
Ah, made of pure nitrogen.
257
00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:33,540
Yeah.
258
00:08:33,540 --> 00:08:35,080
I'm gonna have to call you back.
259
00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:35,580
What?
260
00:08:35,580 --> 00:08:38,200
-Jeff, uh, [INAUDIBLE] is here.
261
00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:39,340
-Already?
262
00:08:39,340 --> 00:08:40,710
Oh, god.
263
00:08:40,710 --> 00:08:42,550
She got one of those
really big heads?
264
00:08:42,550 --> 00:08:43,050
-No.
265
00:08:43,050 --> 00:08:44,600
She looks kind of normal.
266
00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:46,000
-Let's have a look.
267
00:08:48,810 --> 00:08:50,410
So nervous.
You know what?
268
00:08:50,410 --> 00:08:52,020
I'm like those sick people.
269
00:08:52,020 --> 00:08:53,280
I don't want to talk to her.
270
00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:55,380
-She's only got
two days to live.
271
00:08:55,380 --> 00:08:58,930
-Well, I can't stay in
here for two days, can I?
272
00:08:58,930 --> 00:09:00,970
Oh.
Right.
273
00:09:00,970 --> 00:09:07,910
Yea.
274
00:09:07,910 --> 00:09:09,900
-Oh!
275
00:09:09,900 --> 00:09:11,390
-Hello, Alice.
276
00:09:11,390 --> 00:09:13,370
-Oh, my god.
277
00:09:13,370 --> 00:09:16,060
Oh, it's such an
honor to meet you.
278
00:09:16,060 --> 00:09:18,190
Oh, uh-- um, you're my hero.
279
00:09:18,190 --> 00:09:20,730
It's a dream come
true to work here.
280
00:09:20,730 --> 00:09:21,440
-All right.
281
00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:22,730
I'm sorry, I--
282
00:09:22,730 --> 00:09:26,540
-Oh, no, I just-- no, I
tasted, um, the sauce.
283
00:09:26,540 --> 00:09:28,390
It's delicious.
284
00:09:28,390 --> 00:09:30,000
-Well, good for you.
285
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,180
You got the bus here
by yourself, did you?
286
00:09:32,180 --> 00:09:35,010
Oh, Alice got the bus
here all by herself.
287
00:09:35,010 --> 00:09:38,380
-Uh, no, um-- no.
288
00:09:38,380 --> 00:09:39,750
It's just the sauce.
289
00:09:39,750 --> 00:09:43,160
I just-- it's delicious.
290
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,870
I got the train.
291
00:09:45,870 --> 00:09:47,260
You all right?
292
00:09:47,260 --> 00:09:49,270
-It comes and goes, does it?
293
00:09:49,270 --> 00:09:51,080
-What-- sorry, what does?
294
00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:52,410
-Nothing.
295
00:09:52,410 --> 00:09:57,560
We are so happy to
have you here today.
296
00:09:57,560 --> 00:09:58,590
-How did you find out about me?
297
00:09:58,590 --> 00:10:01,450
Was it my essay on full
of tasty electrons?
298
00:10:01,450 --> 00:10:05,250
-We met someone who wanted
to remain anonymous,
299
00:10:05,250 --> 00:10:08,750
and he told us what a
brilliant little chef you are.
300
00:10:08,750 --> 00:10:10,240
-I knew it was Hudson.
301
00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:13,580
-He didn't want to give
his name, but he's bald.
302
00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:14,290
Nice suit.
303
00:10:14,290 --> 00:10:15,000
American.
-Yeah.
304
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:16,790
Yeah.
No, that's him.
305
00:10:16,790 --> 00:10:18,670
And he's Canadian, actually.
306
00:10:18,670 --> 00:10:20,010
And you left out gorgeous--
307
00:10:20,010 --> 00:10:21,310
-I did leave that out.
308
00:10:21,310 --> 00:10:23,370
Yes.
309
00:10:23,370 --> 00:10:25,720
-Oh, well, I suppose, you
know, he's not everyone's type.
310
00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:29,170
-Well, he's definitely not mine.
311
00:10:29,170 --> 00:10:32,110
-Um--
-Oh.
312
00:10:32,110 --> 00:10:33,740
Don't listen to me.
313
00:10:33,740 --> 00:10:35,920
I'm old fashioned.
314
00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:37,660
Let's-- let's get started.
-Great.
315
00:10:37,660 --> 00:10:42,000
Um, well, I-- I wanted to start
with the demagnetized olive
316
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:43,240
souffle.
I--
317
00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:44,750
-Oh, no, sweetheart.
318
00:10:44,750 --> 00:10:48,580
Our new chefs-- um, no souffle.
319
00:10:48,580 --> 00:10:53,540
We are going to make
something way more fun.
320
00:10:53,540 --> 00:10:54,410
-Oh.
321
00:10:54,410 --> 00:10:55,940
-A side salad.
322
00:10:55,940 --> 00:10:57,300
-Oh.
323
00:10:57,300 --> 00:10:58,220
-Did you cover that?
324
00:10:58,220 --> 00:10:59,130
And that.
325
00:10:59,130 --> 00:11:03,150
But we've already been there,
so this-- need to cover that.
326
00:11:03,150 --> 00:11:04,530
And that.
327
00:11:04,530 --> 00:11:05,560
-Ah, you know what?
328
00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:07,700
Suddenly Sherlock messed
up my snuff order.
329
00:11:07,700 --> 00:11:10,710
I'm taking all my business
to Homes Depot from here on.
330
00:11:10,710 --> 00:11:11,500
-Know what?
331
00:11:11,500 --> 00:11:15,900
If this connects to
this, then voila.
332
00:11:15,900 --> 00:11:16,810
Right?
333
00:11:16,810 --> 00:11:18,330
-What did you do?
334
00:11:18,330 --> 00:11:20,390
That's-- don't
touch my mine map.
335
00:11:20,390 --> 00:11:22,800
-Your dad fuck a calculator
to get you, or what?
336
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:23,300
Come on.
337
00:11:23,300 --> 00:11:24,700
We've been staring at
this thing for days,
338
00:11:24,700 --> 00:11:25,990
and still we're getting nowhere.
339
00:11:25,990 --> 00:11:28,380
I'm calling Todd Margaret again.
340
00:11:28,380 --> 00:11:30,350
[PHONE VIBRATING]
341
00:11:30,350 --> 00:11:31,150
-Todd Margaret's phone.
342
00:11:31,150 --> 00:11:33,230
-Finally, Todd, Jesus.
343
00:11:33,230 --> 00:11:34,740
By the way, you sound
gayer than usual.
344
00:11:34,740 --> 00:11:37,270
-It's Dave, Todd's
director of strategy.
345
00:11:37,270 --> 00:11:39,260
Todd's just having a
little kiff at the moment.
346
00:11:39,260 --> 00:11:40,160
-Whatever the fuck that is.
347
00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:41,960
All right, tell him
to call Mr. Wilts.
348
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:43,510
DAVE (OVER PHONE): Willips?
-No.
349
00:11:43,510 --> 00:11:44,350
Wilts.
350
00:11:44,350 --> 00:11:45,550
And tell him we're
having trouble
351
00:11:45,550 --> 00:11:48,290
finding his Mountford guy.
352
00:11:48,290 --> 00:11:49,240
-Mountford?
353
00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:51,300
Uh, well, maybe I
can be of some help.
354
00:11:51,300 --> 00:11:53,250
Have you got a mobile
number for him?
355
00:11:53,250 --> 00:11:53,750
-No.
356
00:11:53,750 --> 00:11:54,520
Not a current one.
357
00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:55,540
He keeps changing it.
358
00:11:55,540 --> 00:11:57,540
-Oh, that's too bad.
359
00:11:57,540 --> 00:11:59,090
See, if you did,
I would have been
360
00:11:59,090 --> 00:12:02,620
able to use my Mobile Trace
Tracker 3000 to track the call.
361
00:12:02,620 --> 00:12:05,120
But, uh, seeing as you
don't, why don't you
362
00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:06,080
try looking at the census?
363
00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:07,980
That should have
the addresses of all
364
00:12:07,980 --> 00:12:09,220
the Mountfords in London.
365
00:12:09,220 --> 00:12:11,000
You got an initial for him?
366
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:11,650
-Yeah.
367
00:12:11,650 --> 00:12:12,970
A D.
-A D.
368
00:12:12,970 --> 00:12:17,950
-Yeah, just go online.
it's www.census.gov.co.uk.
369
00:12:17,950 --> 00:12:18,470
-Great.
370
00:12:18,470 --> 00:12:19,310
Thank you.
371
00:12:19,310 --> 00:12:20,960
-Hey, that's shirt--
-Don't worry about it.
372
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:22,160
You got another
shirt in the toilet.
373
00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:24,250
-Oh, and, uh, make
sure to take a gift.
374
00:12:24,250 --> 00:12:25,770
-A gift?
375
00:12:25,770 --> 00:12:26,320
-Yeah.
376
00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:29,080
It's seen as polite in the
UK to take a gift whenever
377
00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:30,970
conducting an investigation.
378
00:12:30,970 --> 00:12:31,680
Nothing major.
379
00:12:31,680 --> 00:12:37,670
Just a phone charger, like
a, uh-- a Tamsung 327EG phone
380
00:12:37,670 --> 00:12:38,720
charger.
-Yeah.
381
00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:40,290
This is great.
382
00:12:40,290 --> 00:12:42,080
Hey, listen, can you
tell, uh, Todd Margaret
383
00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:44,850
to get on the line for a second?
-Todd?
384
00:12:44,850 --> 00:12:48,090
It's Wilts.
385
00:12:48,090 --> 00:12:50,270
-Hey, Mr. Wilts.
386
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:51,840
-Hey, Todd.
387
00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:52,990
Where'd you find this Dave guy?
388
00:12:52,990 --> 00:12:54,330
He's a genius.
389
00:12:54,330 --> 00:12:55,170
-Wait a second.
390
00:12:55,170 --> 00:12:56,870
I thought you hired him.
391
00:12:56,870 --> 00:12:58,610
-Uh, shouldn't
you tell Mr. Wilts
392
00:12:58,610 --> 00:13:00,380
about the big deal
you just made?
393
00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:01,210
-Oh, yeah.
394
00:13:01,210 --> 00:13:03,500
Hey, Brent Wilts, awesome news.
395
00:13:03,500 --> 00:13:04,990
I made the deal.
396
00:13:04,990 --> 00:13:05,760
-What?
397
00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:07,120
You got the money?
398
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,050
Oh my god, that is
fucking fantastic, Todd!
399
00:13:09,050 --> 00:13:10,200
Jesus, yes!
400
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:10,910
This is great news.
401
00:13:10,910 --> 00:13:12,490
I really needed to
hear this, Todd.
402
00:13:12,490 --> 00:13:13,180
-Yeah.
403
00:13:13,180 --> 00:13:14,190
Yeah.
404
00:13:14,190 --> 00:13:16,270
I don't have the
money right on me,
405
00:13:16,270 --> 00:13:20,100
but I will have it in five days.
406
00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:20,750
-Five days?
407
00:13:20,750 --> 00:13:21,600
five days?
408
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:22,760
I need it in four days.
409
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,000
Can we get it in four days?
410
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:27,410
-Uh, can we get it in four days?
411
00:13:27,410 --> 00:13:28,360
No.
412
00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:29,500
-Fucking typical Brits.
413
00:13:29,500 --> 00:13:32,800
All right, tell Dave that I
need him in London right now,
414
00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:33,900
and to bring his A game.
415
00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:37,330
I need him on this fucking
Mountford thing, all right?
416
00:13:37,330 --> 00:13:40,150
All right, looks like we found
ourselves a real Sherlock here.
417
00:13:40,150 --> 00:13:41,080
-Excuse me?
418
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:43,490
-We need to find
an internet cafe.
419
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:47,860
Time to queer up,
Sherlock Shitpipe.
420
00:13:47,860 --> 00:13:49,480
-Go back to London?
421
00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:50,590
-Yes.
422
00:13:50,590 --> 00:13:52,280
You really impressed
Mr. Wilts back there,
423
00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:55,270
and I've decided to send
you back there to help them.
424
00:13:55,270 --> 00:13:57,490
But I'm going to need
to truck, though.
425
00:13:57,490 --> 00:13:59,350
-How am I supposed to get back?
426
00:13:59,350 --> 00:14:01,130
-You know what?
427
00:14:01,130 --> 00:14:01,780
Take my morphine.
428
00:14:01,780 --> 00:14:06,270
It'll make the walk
429
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:13,770
-I'm going to need
the helicopter.
430
00:14:23,510 --> 00:14:25,000
-Well done, Alice.
431
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,970
You took the lettuce out of the
bowl and put it on the plate
432
00:14:27,970 --> 00:14:28,960
perfectly.
433
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:30,060
-Yeah, it was a real challenge.
434
00:14:30,060 --> 00:14:32,510
-Yay!
You did it.
435
00:14:32,510 --> 00:14:33,610
-I saw the new dressing.
436
00:14:33,610 --> 00:14:36,570
So it's an homage to your
micro-beadable [INAUDIBLE]
437
00:14:36,570 --> 00:14:38,360
orange crumble?
438
00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:39,820
I'd love to know what you think.
439
00:14:43,390 --> 00:14:44,660
-Very, very, good.
440
00:14:44,660 --> 00:14:47,130
-Wait, no, you
didn't even taste it.
441
00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:57,530
-What-- wow.
442
00:14:57,530 --> 00:14:59,480
That's really, really good.
443
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,350
Fantastic.
-Yeah?
444
00:15:01,350 --> 00:15:03,270
Not too much petroleum?
445
00:15:03,270 --> 00:15:05,490
-On the contrary, that's
absolutely delicious.
446
00:15:08,420 --> 00:15:11,400
I-- I wish I could hire you.
But--
447
00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:14,100
-No, just-- you know,
the fact that you'd even
448
00:15:14,100 --> 00:15:16,180
think of hiring someone like me.
449
00:15:16,180 --> 00:15:19,940
If I could work here for one
day, I would die a happy woman.
450
00:15:19,940 --> 00:15:20,920
-You're hired.
451
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,710
-Really?
452
00:15:22,710 --> 00:15:24,420
Are you serious?
453
00:15:24,420 --> 00:15:25,180
When do I start?
454
00:15:25,180 --> 00:15:25,830
-Tomorrow.
455
00:15:25,830 --> 00:15:26,460
First thing.
456
00:15:30,890 --> 00:15:32,360
-I'm so happy.
457
00:15:37,780 --> 00:15:38,760
Thank you.
458
00:15:54,540 --> 00:15:55,680
-I told you she was great.
459
00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:56,810
You're welcome.
460
00:15:56,810 --> 00:16:00,200
But you know that stuff
about remaining anonymous?
461
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:01,250
Don't worry about it.
462
00:16:01,250 --> 00:16:03,190
You can totally mention my name.
463
00:16:03,190 --> 00:16:04,260
A lot.
464
00:16:04,260 --> 00:16:07,250
Except don't mention the her
dying thing, or the death
465
00:16:07,250 --> 00:16:08,010
wish thing.
466
00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:10,970
And also-- are you all right?
467
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:14,190
-She shows a lot of
promise, that one.
468
00:16:14,190 --> 00:16:18,540
-What if, against all odds,
she miraculously confounded
469
00:16:18,540 --> 00:16:23,030
medical science, and actually
beat this goddamn retardation
470
00:16:23,030 --> 00:16:25,200
disease that's killing her?
471
00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:26,940
I mean, she has a
job now, so she's
472
00:16:26,940 --> 00:16:28,410
got something to live for.
473
00:16:28,410 --> 00:16:29,780
-Well, that's not
going to happen, is it?
474
00:16:29,780 --> 00:16:32,390
-But what if it did?
Think of the publicity coup.
475
00:16:35,110 --> 00:16:37,070
-Don't do this.
476
00:16:37,070 --> 00:16:39,590
Don't let hope back
into your heart.
477
00:16:39,590 --> 00:16:40,090
-OK.
478
00:16:40,090 --> 00:16:44,070
-OK.
Hey.
479
00:16:44,070 --> 00:16:45,060
Hey.
480
00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:49,410
HUDSON: Hey, Alice.
481
00:16:49,410 --> 00:16:49,910
-Hi.
482
00:16:49,910 --> 00:16:50,880
How are you?
483
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:51,850
-Good.
484
00:16:51,850 --> 00:16:52,820
How are you doing?
485
00:16:52,820 --> 00:16:53,790
-I'm great.
486
00:16:53,790 --> 00:16:55,420
I'm great.
487
00:16:55,420 --> 00:16:58,700
-Man, this is so not fair.
488
00:16:58,700 --> 00:17:01,230
-Do you want me to
tell her it was you?
489
00:17:01,230 --> 00:17:02,130
-Yeah.
490
00:17:02,130 --> 00:17:05,780
Just go, because that-- No.
491
00:17:05,780 --> 00:17:06,750
Don't.
492
00:17:06,750 --> 00:17:09,500
I mean, yes.
493
00:17:09,500 --> 00:17:13,740
What if-- she looks so happy.
494
00:17:13,740 --> 00:17:17,150
I don't want to take
that away from her.
495
00:17:17,150 --> 00:17:18,150
No.
Don't.
496
00:17:23,390 --> 00:17:26,560
-Can I, uh, get the
keys to my truck?
497
00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:29,070
-Well, you can have
the keys to my truck.
498
00:17:29,070 --> 00:17:30,790
I'll help you unload
the Thunder Muscle,
499
00:17:30,790 --> 00:17:34,200
but, uh, you can't
have the whole truck.
500
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:36,000
-That's not the deal we made.
501
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,630
I let your sick friend work
here for the rest of my life,
502
00:17:38,630 --> 00:17:42,160
and you give me, and I quote,
a truck full of Thunder Muscle.
503
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:43,240
-No, no, no, no, no.
504
00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:43,740
No.
505
00:17:43,740 --> 00:17:47,620
No, I said a truck full of
Thunder Muscle, not truck comma
506
00:17:47,620 --> 00:17:49,120
new word full.
507
00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:51,560
No, it's truck dash full.
508
00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:52,970
Truck-full.
509
00:17:52,970 --> 00:17:53,910
-No.
510
00:17:53,910 --> 00:17:56,080
Truck full.
511
00:17:56,080 --> 00:17:56,630
-Truck-full.
512
00:17:56,630 --> 00:17:58,120
-If you go back
on your word, I'll
513
00:17:58,120 --> 00:17:59,670
go out there, tell
her you're here,
514
00:17:59,670 --> 00:18:01,160
and that she's only
got two days to live.
515
00:18:19,550 --> 00:18:23,030
-Goodbye, Alice.
516
00:18:23,030 --> 00:18:24,520
Probably forever this time.
517
00:18:32,470 --> 00:18:33,470
Oh, that's good.
518
00:18:37,940 --> 00:18:39,030
Jesus, that is tasty.
519
00:18:39,030 --> 00:18:42,290
Oh.
520
00:18:42,290 --> 00:18:44,250
Ha ha.
521
00:18:44,250 --> 00:18:45,720
A little something
to remember you by.
522
00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:47,190
-Hang on, I'm just
gonna get my bag.
523
00:18:59,980 --> 00:19:02,570
-Seriously, Whitney, why'd
you rent this piece of shit?
524
00:19:02,570 --> 00:19:04,480
It's like the gayest
fucking car I ever sat in.
525
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:06,370
-It's a hybrid.
-Yeah, it's a hybrid.
526
00:19:06,370 --> 00:19:08,250
Half car, half fucking handbag.
527
00:19:08,250 --> 00:19:10,140
-Look, I'm sorry if I
care about the environment
528
00:19:10,140 --> 00:19:11,670
of the world my children
are gonna grow up in.
529
00:19:11,670 --> 00:19:12,230
-Children?
530
00:19:12,230 --> 00:19:15,360
Hey Douglas, you do realize
you'd have to do sex on a woman
531
00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:16,600
first, right?
532
00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:19,610
And even if you were to perform
that miracle, how are you
533
00:19:19,610 --> 00:19:22,190
planning on keeping her
out of the abortion clinic?
534
00:19:22,190 --> 00:19:23,340
See?
535
00:19:23,340 --> 00:19:24,670
I said it nicer.
536
00:19:24,670 --> 00:19:26,150
-Mr. Wilts, you're the sidekick.
537
00:19:26,150 --> 00:19:27,460
I deliver the smackdowns.
538
00:19:27,460 --> 00:19:29,880
And if you continue to talk
about me or my unborn children,
539
00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:35,100
then I'm going to have to--
540
00:19:35,100 --> 00:19:38,360
-Get back to me on it.
541
00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:40,240
This fucking place, huh?
542
00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:42,210
-OK, this is the third
Mountford on our list.
543
00:19:42,210 --> 00:19:43,720
And you know what?
544
00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:45,370
That's the crest of
the cousin of Lancelot.
545
00:19:45,370 --> 00:19:47,710
I took a course in
crest identification.
546
00:19:47,710 --> 00:19:48,910
It's actually a big
turn on of mine.
547
00:19:48,910 --> 00:19:52,650
[SNORING]
548
00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:53,220
-Holy shit.
549
00:19:53,220 --> 00:19:54,640
I just fell asleep
and had this nightmare
550
00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:56,570
that you were talking to me
about really boring shit.
551
00:19:56,570 --> 00:19:59,020
Oh, fuck, it's happening.
MAN (OVER INTERCOM): Yes?
552
00:19:59,020 --> 00:19:59,520
-Oh, hi.
553
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:01,400
This is Doug Whitney
and associate.
554
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:04,090
We're from the Doug Whitney and
Associates Detective Agency.
555
00:20:04,090 --> 00:20:06,000
We have a few questions
for Mr. Mountford.
556
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,160
MAN (OVER INTERCOM):
Lord Mountford
557
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:08,880
isn't available at the moment.
558
00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:10,480
He's attending his
annual symposium
559
00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:13,110
for woman trapped
beneath the glass ceiling
560
00:20:13,110 --> 00:20:15,970
this week at the Academic
Society of Westminster.
561
00:20:15,970 --> 00:20:16,700
-Oh.
Thank you.
562
00:20:16,700 --> 00:20:18,900
MAN (OVER INTERCOM): Good day.
-Uh, good day.
563
00:20:18,900 --> 00:20:20,250
Fuck nut.
564
00:20:20,250 --> 00:20:22,710
All right, well just
leave the fucking charger,
565
00:20:22,710 --> 00:20:25,840
and let's drive the
"Batmoqueer" back to London.
566
00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:28,400
-It's a hybrid.
567
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:29,550
[LAUGHTER]
568
00:20:29,550 --> 00:20:30,340
-Idiots.
569
00:20:30,340 --> 00:20:31,350
-Yes.
570
00:20:31,350 --> 00:20:32,930
-Oh, that was a lot of fun.
571
00:20:32,930 --> 00:20:34,510
Do you know what
would be fun tomorrow?
572
00:20:34,510 --> 00:20:36,630
If we followed them
around for a bit.
573
00:20:36,630 --> 00:20:38,760
-Yes.
574
00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:43,270
I was thinking, um, maybe I
might be able to go home, sir?
575
00:20:46,270 --> 00:20:49,110
-I don't believe your job
description involves thinking,
576
00:20:49,110 --> 00:20:50,030
does it?
577
00:20:50,030 --> 00:20:55,720
-I don't think it-- no, sir.
578
00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:56,770
-Good.
579
00:20:56,770 --> 00:20:58,380
Now run out and get
my phone charger.
580
00:20:58,380 --> 00:20:59,590
I'm nearly out of battery.
581
00:21:02,350 --> 00:21:03,300
I did not say walk.
582
00:21:03,300 --> 00:21:04,090
I said run.
583
00:21:04,090 --> 00:21:05,230
Do you want me to chase you?
584
00:21:05,230 --> 00:21:06,090
I will chase you!
585
00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:14,990
[MUSIC PLAYING]
586
00:21:29,350 --> 00:21:33,310
[BEEPING]
587
00:21:33,310 --> 00:21:37,770
[PHONE VIBRATING]
588
00:21:37,770 --> 00:21:38,760
-That's odd.
589
00:21:43,210 --> 00:21:47,170
Oh, right, our date.
590
00:21:47,170 --> 00:21:50,140
[BEEPING]
591
00:21:50,140 --> 00:21:53,000
-Well, I can't just call her.
What am I supposed to say?
592
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:54,050
I forgot?
593
00:21:54,050 --> 00:21:58,040
That would just
blow up in my face.
594
00:21:58,040 --> 00:22:02,990
[MUSIC PLAYING]
595
00:22:23,780 --> 00:22:24,770
-Excuse me.
596
00:22:24,770 --> 00:22:27,400
I think this salad might be off.
39821
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