All language subtitles for The.Increasingly.Poor.Decisions.of.Todd.Margaret.S02E02.1080p.WEB-DL.Kybik.v.Kybe_track4_[eng]

NARRATOR: Previously on
"The Increasingly Poor

Decisions of Todd Margaret".

-I need to appear as though
I've been up all night working.

-You want to open up
you own restaurant.

Your own, uh, Fat Duck,
or, or Whack-A-Mole.

-La Molecule.

-Oh, my God, Dave.

We're not going to Leeds.

Get it through your thick head.

OK, we're going to Leeds.

-Boss, I think that might
be the company van there.

-Well, what is this
steering wheel doing--

-Cheers for driving, boss.

-Unh, say your
prayers. [CHUCKLES]

[ARAB MUSIC PLAYS]

-I'm not so sure this
is a good idea, guys.

[WARNING KLAXON SOUNDS]

-What kind of a moron are you?

I could have been killed!

Didn't you see me?

-No.

You have a tiny bike.

Didn't you see me?

I have a huge truck, OK?

Look, it has 18 wheels.

Come on.

I think we know who's
more to blame here.

-Blame?
I'll see in court!

-Blame?
I'll see in court!
I'll see in court!
-How are you going to sue me?

I'll see in court!
-How are you going to sue me?

You can't even afford a car.

How're you going
to afford a lawyer?

-I am a lawyer.

-Well, obviously a
shitty one, but--

-Why am I a shitty lawyer?

-Because you can't afford a car.

-(IRATE) I ride a bike because
I'm environmentally aware!

-I choose to drive
an 18-wheel truck.

Why?

Because it's comfortable,
and I can fit a ton of stuff

in the back.

-Your fucking truck
has done to my bike!

-Look at what your bike
has done to my truck!

-Yeah, fuck your truck!

DAVE: I admit that we've
been reckless and foolhardy,

and apologize unreservedly
for any distress,

and/or inconvenience caused.

If there's anything we can do to
rectify the situation, we will.

And then sign it on behalf
of the Metropolitan Police

and put your name.

-Again, Mr. Mountford, thank
you so much for the opportunity

to write such a
beautifully-worded apology.

Or else, if we knew
it was you, you were--

-Yes.
Shh!

It's fine.
TODD: All right.

I'm suing you.

FEMALE OFFICER: According
to vehicle registration,

this truck to a Turkish
man, Ahmet al-Abdul Wahab

al-Abdulei.

-Yes, yes.

Of course it does, because Ahmet
Abdul Bahab Batarai is my name.

Allah Akhbar, ji allah.

-Uh, officer, he's
clearly not Turkish.

-No.

I'm not Turkish,
Detective No-car.

Uh, but my step-grandfather,
who came from the salt

mines of Turkey and raised
me in the proud traditions

of his people, was.

And I changed my name
to the one you just

said to honor his dead spirit.

(CHANTING) O lu mei.

-OK, officer, he's
clearly lying.

-Ah, la, la, la, la, la, la,
lo, lo, la, la la, la, la la,

lo, la, la, lah.

Whirling dervish in your face.
-You're under arrest.

Anything you say may
be given in evidence.

-On what charge?

-Dangerous driving.

-Oh, don't be silly!

-Oh, and resisting arrest,
and indecent exposure.

-Indecent exposure?

-Your balls are
falling out your Lycra.

-No.

This isn't fair!
-Ha-ha-ha-ha.

CYCLIST: No, this isn't fair!

-Who's going to see
who in court now?

Not me!
-OK, boss.

Why don't you let me
drive from now on.

My eyes are feeling better.
-That's a good idea.

I'm getting busy.

Hello?

-Margaret, what the fuck you
doing answering the phone?

Why the fuck aren't you
selling Thunder Muscle?

Or do you want Mountford
to rip off my fucking balls

and shove them up your ass?

-I am selling Thunder Muscle.

I'm, uh, on my way to
Leeds right now, uh,

to clinch a big deal.

-Wh-- What are we talking?

-Uh, ah, what are we talking?

-$470,000.

-$400-- Wow, really?

-$400?

The fuck are you talking about?

What are you doing?
Busking?

-No, no, no, no.

$470,000.

-Really?

That's actually the
exact amount we need.

[BANGING ON DOOR]
MALE OUTSIDE DOOR: Todd.

Is anybody there?

[BABY YOWLS]

-The ghost of your dead dad.
(CRYING) He's come back.

[BANGING ON DOOR]

-I'm going to take these little
angels to a better place.

-(BLUBBERING INCOHERENTLY)
-They need new soles.

[ARAB CHANTING]

-No way to turn thing
off, or down, or--

-No, I like it.

Now open your mind
and give it a chance.

It's like rap.

-Are you hungry?

Because I am starving.

I, I, I know this great little
place in (BADLY PRONOUNCING)

Hertfordshire.

-Hertfordshire?

No, no, no.

Uh, La Molecule.

It's this great little
uh, mom-and-pop,

uh, gastrointestinal, uh--

-Todd, I really don't
think we have the time.

-Dave.

Come on.

I'm telling you.

This place is so-- open
for lunch and dinner, OK?

Uh, no dogs allowed,
except for glide dogs.

Guide dogs.

All right.

I'll just be a minute.

Are you the one
allergic to nuts?

-Just hurry up.

We got a lot of
important meetings.

-I know.

Oh!

-Gosh, who the hell
do I know in Leeds?

[PHONE RINGS]

-Hello, Chairman here.

DAVE (ON PHONE):
David Mountford here.

-Dave who?
DAVE (ON PHONE): Mountford?

As in DM Global Sports.

-Oh, hello, sir.

What can I do for you?

-A meeting this
afternoon, an American,

name of Todd Margaret.

Half 3:00, sharp.

But the match starts at 3:00.
DAVE (ON PHONE): Excellent.

We'll make it 3 o'clock then.

-But--
DAVE (ON PHONE): Just do it.

And I'll have my usual
set-up in the owner's box.

Thank you.
-Yes, sir.

-Awful.

This is the Hitler of soups.

[SILVERWARE CLATTERS]

-We go again.

All right, everybody.

Reset.

-Hello, hello, hello.

My name's Todd Margaret.

-Sorry, I'm busy.

-Well, uh, I've
got a friend who is

a big fan of yours
and an awesome cook,

and her ultimate
dream of dreams is

to work alongside
you, and one day,

open up her own
science restaurant.

-I'm not interested.

Thank you.

-Let me finish.

I really like her, and this
would help me get back in with

her. (HALF-LAUGHS)

-Good-bye!

-Here's the finish.

She's very sick.

-Well, if she's got
a disease, uh, she

can't be near food preparation.
-Right.

Well, we're in luck,
because she's retarded.

So, not contagious.

And she's dying.

She's dying from
the retard-- ation.

-What?

-Yes.

Tragic.

-Um--

-She's only got a couple
days left to live.

-Oh, dear God.
-Ooh.

Uh, duh, or not, or more.

Probably more.

Four, say, at least, four.
Five.

Let's say five.

Five days to live.

Yeah, poor thing.

It would just kill
her if she found out.

Oh, not that anyone would, or
should, discuss it, or my name.

Shouldn't even mention my name.

Uhm, yeah.

Innocent little lamb.

-(VOICE BREAKING) Oh, why?

-You know, karma?

Anyway that's why I'm here.

I'm from the Death
Wish Foundation.

And we make dreams come true
for dying retarded women.

-No.

I, I will not get hurt again.

[CRASH IN NEXT ROOM]

CHEF CELESTINE: Well?

-The good news is it worked.

We were able to
isolate the compound

and age the Parmesan
an extra 600

years in a matter of seconds.

-Fantastic.

This is just what we need
for my cheese inhalers

I'll be serving at her
majesty's garden party.

-Bad news is the
website we got it from,

Clancy's Internet
Sensations, has

been shut by the UN
Security Council.

-And this is our very last can.

TODD: Not necessarily.

Let's talk.

DAVE: Where's my lunch?

-Forget lunch.

La Molecule's just taken on
a truckful of Thunder Muscle.

-That's amazing!

How much did you get for it?

-Oh, God.
You're such a nag.

Come one.

This is small potatoes.

We're about to make a huge deal,
which you need to brief me on.

All right.

Hit me.

-Fine.

All right.

Well, my great
uncle's on the board

of the Leeds Lionhearts,
their rugby league.

-Got it.

Lionhearts.

-Their beverage
contract's up for renewal.

So I've pulled in
a massive favor,

and got you a meeting
with the chairman.

-Oh, wow.

-He said no at first, but when I
told him that you was Yorkshire

born and bred, he
was like, oh, yeah.

Whatever he wants.

You know what your lot's like.

-That's us.

DESK CLERK: Picadilly Hotel?
-Hi.

Can I get a room number
for Doug Whitney?

I'm his best friend.

-I'm afraid we can't out
that information, Mr. Wilts.

[PHONE RINGS]

DESK CLERK: Picadilly Hotel?

-Hi.

I'm Doug Whitney.

I'm a guest of the hotel.

You know, I forgot
my room number.

Can you remind me?

-(WEARILY) I still can't give
out that information over

the phone, Mr. Wilts.

-No, I'm not Wilts.

(FAKING BRITISH ACCENT)
I'm Doug Whitney.

Please.

I really need my room number.

I'm so desperate and whiny.

-Well, why don't you
come to the front desk,

and we'll give you another key.

-(WHISPERING) I can't because
I pooed my pants again. [WHINE]

-Well, why don't you simply
look outside your front door,

and then you'll see the
room number attached to it?

[GUEST PHONE RINGS]

-(SOFTLY) Picadilly Hotel?

-Please don't slam our
phones down, Mr. Wilts.

If you'd like to speak to Mr.
Whitney, he's just behind you.

WILTS: There he Is.

There's my best friend!

-Mr. Wilts, what
are you doing here?

When last we met, we
jousted and I bested you.

Now, accept your defeat.

-Come on, buddy.

-No.

You are a prize pig of a man.

-Look, [HUFFS] I may
have said something

that sounds like you
took the wrong way.

-You said that I was an
abortion that wouldn't go away.

-(PATRONIZING) You're
tenacious, is all I meant.

-Y--, You used foul
language at me repeatedly.

-Well, let's not get into
who called who a fucktard.

I don't even remember.

-I don't even know how to
use, uh, that word, f--.

-All right.
Calm down, calm down, calm down.

I am going to hire you back.

-[HUFFS] Excuse me, Mr. Wilts.

You have no position
at the company

if the company itself
is a shell company.

-Look, I know there is some
weird shit going on right now

that makes less sense than
Helen Keller and Tommy combined.

Remember that guy
Mountford I mentioned?

-Yeah.

-I don't know exactly
how, but I think

this whole thing is a scam,
and Mountford is behind it.

Look, he's playing
us both for suckers.

You and I both need
to find Mountford.

-Hm.

Well, I do perceive
here a divided duty.

Othello, Act 1, Scene 3.

-Yeah.

-On one hand, I loathe
spending a moment with you.

On the other hand,
there's one thing

Doug Whitney doesn't like.

-Is it pussy?
-No.

Loose ends.

-That's what I said.

Look, you just need to
help me find Mountford.

I'll get my job back,
and I will hire you back

at double your salary.
-Mr. Wilts, I--

-No.

Let me finish.

With your own parking spot.

-I don't have a car.

If you can check
me out of room 405.

-(WHISPERS) And a Bat-mobile.
I'll buy you a Bat-mobile.

-I guess I, I do
have an obligation

to finish the case we started.

-Yes!

You will not regret this
Whitney, Doug-- las.

Homes.

I'll explain everything I know
once we get upstairs and have

a quick pank in the
room. (SECRETLY)

That's a poo and a wank.

DAVE: You nervous?

-(CHUCKLING) No.
Nervous.

-Oh.

You should be.

It's Yorkshire.

You're about to deal
with the toughest, most

insular, intolerant, and
violent people in Europe.

-They, they are?

I, I am?

-Well, like I said, it's a good
job you're from here, isn't it?

-Yeah, now about that--

-I mean, I probably
don't even have

to tell you that
outsiders aren't welcome.

-Yeah--

-So many out of town
businesses have failed here.

In fact, I read just last
week, a representative

from an unmentionable
American beer company

was found dead in a field,
with his heart ripped out,

and on his forehead,
they wrote in lipstick,

"Welcome to the world of AIDS".

Good to be home though, eh?

-Hey, hey!

Hey, stop the truck!

[TIRES SCREECH]

-Right, Yorkshire
Tourism Emporium, is it?

-Oh, my god.

Hudson, I just got off the
phone with La Molecule.

How did she--?

I can't believe this.

They want me to do a
try-out this Saturday.

Hey!

Why don't you come down
and meet me afterwards,

and I can thank you in person.

That would be great.

I'm so excited!

Bye!

Bye!
[STADIUM NOISE]

[STADIUM NOISE]

-Man, there are a lot of
people here for this meeting.

-Nah.

They're here for
the rugby match.

-Oh, and rugby.

Cool.

I love horses.

-So, you ready there, boss?

-Yeah.

Let's do this.

OK.

[DOG WHINES]
Ah, ah, ah.

Butterscotch.

This isn't for you.

(WITH MOUTH FULL) Oh.

These Yorkshire
puddings are good.

A bit rich, but--

-Don't forget your
Yorkshire Bitter.

-Thank you, very much.

No, it's not that bad.

Butterscotch, you
ready to do this?

-You've got the north
of England in the bag.

And you've got another meeting
across town in 47 minutes.

That deal is even bigger,
so you better be quick.

But I know how much
pressure you're under,

so I'm not even going
to bring that up.

-You just did bring it up?

-No, Todd.

Listen to what I'm saying.

I'm not bringing it up.

I wouldn't.

I know you're
scared, and nervous.

I would be, too.

Now, get in there.

-Well, wait.

You're not coming in?
-Oh.

No, no, no.
I'm way too scared.

I'm not from Yorkshire.

God only knows what
they'd do to me.

Time's ticking, though!
Don't knock.

Just go in.

-No dogs allowed!

[BUTTERSCOTCH YELPS]

-Mick Micklethwaite.

Club Chairman.

You must be, uh, Todd Margaret.

-Yes.

It is a pleasure.

Um, uh, before we
get started and I

talk about Thunder
Muscle, I just

wanted to let everyone
here know, guess what?

I'm from Yorkshire meself.

Any whozles, OK.

So here's the thing
about Thunder Mu--

[MOIST FART]

Whoa!

What was--?

Somebody step on a
duck? [CHUCKLES] Uh,

probably not the
best way to start off

a meeting, letting one rip.

I apologize for that.

Bit embarrassing, but
you know, it's probably

all this delicious
Yorkshire pudding,

and Yorkshire Bitter
I, I eat all the time

to remind me of where I'm from.

From whence I came, that I
miss so terribly. (SINGING)

The green hills of
Yorkshire, um, OK.

[LONG WET FART]

I'm so sorry.

I let another one rip.

Oh, gosh.

I don't know-- Here's the thing.

I just, uh-- Let's be honest.

It's typical Yorkshire
behavior right?

I mean, you know, just
ripping them up and down.

You know.
That's, that's us, right guys?

Just, you know, old boy, eh?

(FAKE YORKSHIRE ACCENT) Just
call me the Yorkshire Ripper.

[CHUCKLES] That
pudding I usually have.

So it's coming out, and,
uh, I'm sorry, but stay away

for your own safety madam.

They're silent, but deadly.

The Yorkshire Ripper's
silent, but deadly.

Lock up your daughters.

-[CRYING]
-OK.

Come on.

You're exaggerating.

They don't smell that bad.

It not that, you dozy gubchat.

The Yorkshire Ripper
was a mass murderer!

He attacked and killed 13
young lasses around here!

(IRATE) It's not funny!

What're you laughing at?

-No.

Here's what's funny.

S--, Seriously, I, I,
um-- Just this morning,

I was telling another beautiful
young woman, uh, that, uh, I'm

not a rapist.

So--

-[CRYING]

-Well, you can see-- I
said, I'm not a rapist.

Do we--, I, do you have to
do this twice in one day?

Not a rapist.

Not, negative.

Women, woo-hoo, woo-hoo.

Meh, rah, rah, rah, my period.

Terrific to meet you.

[GLASS BREAKING, WOOD THROWN]
-Yeah, yeah.

You know, they're not exactly
the right people to talk to.

I should talk to somebody
in management, I think.

-Oh, you want to
speak to the manager?

-Yeah, yeah.

-OK, yeah?

He's a player, right?
He--?

-Yeah, he's a real player.

Yeah.

Before you step in
the changing rooms,

you got to run around, though.

[STADIUM NOISES]
-Dave?

-Come, come.
You're from Leeds.

Remember, the next
meeting's in 30 minutes.

-Hello, 'ello, 'ello.

I'm Todd Margaret.

-Fuck off!

-Oh, I'm looking
for Johnny Barpot.

-Fuck right off.

-OK, I-- Hi.

I'm looking for
Johnny Bar-- Jeez,

you guys are going
to get crucified.

-They're mascots, you dick.

Walk out at the start,
when the play is done,

they hold hands and shit.

-I'm sorry, who are you?

-I'm Lionel Lion.

I go out there and
twit about, you know,

keep folks spirits
up when losing.

-Interesting.

LIONEL: And humiliating,
though, isn't it?

And I don't know---

-But wait.

Wh--, Why do you have to
live in my hotel room?

-Pick up.

Yeah.

Oh, nailed it.

Uh, because there's
a ghost haunting

in the company apartment.

-Ha-ha!

Wait, you're afraid of ghosts?
That's absurd.

What's there to be afraid of?

They're lazy,
genetically inferior.

I mean, yes, they're
better athletes and--

-Just help me find Mountford.

We can get out of
here, all right?

-(LAUGHING) This is rich.

Big, bad, sexy Brent Wilts is
afraid of the little ghost.

Hey, no.
Come on, no.

OK.

No more horsing around.

Let's get serious.

OK.

Tell me everything you
know about Mr. Mountford.

-I told you, I've
never met the guy.

It's always been
phone conversations.

-All right.

But when you first
arrived in London,

how did he get in
contact with you?

-Hi.

Brent Wilts from
America. (LAUGHING)

And I'm, uh, checking in.
-Whoo!

-What the--?

-Well, I'll tell

go shithouse for
is energy drinks.

That's right.
Can't get enough of them.

And there's this
great new brand out

of North Korea called
Thunder Muscle.

That's right, Thunder Muscle.

Check it out.

OK, great.
All right.

I'll see you when you get here.

-Mr. Wilts, it seems Mr.
Mountford has canceled

the meeting, but he is
very much looking forward

to hearing about your
upcoming trip to Portland,

and that you have the
authority to hire and fire

as you see fit.

He also suggests you enjoy some
vindaloo while here in London.

Also, this was
left here for you.

-Thank you.

-Can I still stay here?
-Oh, yeah.

The room's been
paid-for Mr. Wilts.

-Yeah, it's all I
really remember.

The front desk chick
had great blow job tits.

-So that's it?

Mountford wasn't there,
and you got a CD?

You're useless.

-You're useless.

I tell you a great story
about some blow job tits

and all you care about
are stupid details.

[STADIUM NOISES]

[CROWD CHEERING INTENSIFIES]

-I'm this many.

Are you Johnny Barpot?

-No, but that's him over there.

-Barpot.

Mr. Barpot.

Hi.

I'm Todd Margaret
with Thunder Muscle.

I know you guys are thinking
about exclusively selling it

here.

And I just wondered if
I could talk to you,

or gather up the rest of
the team, talk to them.

Uh, I just an answer in
about 23 minutes though.

PLAYER: Hey, kid.
Get off the pitch.

The game's about to start.
Go on, clear off.

-(HIGH-PITCHED) Sorry.
PLAYER: Go on.

Get off.
TODD: Right.

All right.
Sorry.

Sorry.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

-Johnny!

Johnny Barpot!

Me?
Come out there.

You, are you having a meeting?

OK.

Team meeting.

Team meeting.

OK, listen.

You guys are going to
love this Thunder Muscle.

Oh, well.
OK.

Listen, Thunder Muscle is
an awesome energy drink.

You got-- Oh, yeah.
You, too.

You guys can have some, too.

Yeah.
Get in here.

Thunder Muscle.

Awesome new energy drink.

You guys-- Oh dear.

Oh dear God, Oh, oh, uh.

Oh.

(FALSETTO) Ah hoo.

Ah!

Jeez, that's going to pop.

Oh, God.

Ohw.
-Ha-ha-ha-ha.

-Ah ha, not so hard.

Ah ha!

-Ha-ha-ha-ha!

-For sure.

[PULSE MONITOR BEEPS]

-Where am I?

-You're back home.

In the hospital where
you told me you grew up.

It wasn't the nearest, but I
insisted they drove you here.

Thought you'd want to be
surrounded by people you know.

-Oh.

Thanks, Dave.

You're a good friend.

-I am.