All language subtitles for The.Increasingly.Poor.Decisions.of.Todd.Margaret.S02E01.1080p.WEB-DL.Kybik.v.Kybe_track4_[eng]

NARRATOR: Previously on "The
Increasingly Poor Decisions

of Todd Margaret."

-The Turkish people
from the news agency,

they came here to
buy all the Thunder

Muscle we have in stock.

You grew up in Leeds.

-My dad lives in Leeds.

Li- lived in Leeds.

He's dead.

I am still grieving
the loss of my father.

-Hey, son.

Hey, it's your old man.

-Dad?
-What?

-A ghost!
Ahh!

-I'm not so sure this
is a good idea, guys.

[WARNING KLAXON]

-Can I get anybody
some coffee, tea?

[SIGHS]

-You were planning on raping me.

-No.

God, no Alice.

Please, that box says
"Alice's drapes for kitchen."

That's her blood on
there, uh, because she

had her kid on my bed.

That's where the blood
came from, her vagina.

So I was just trying to wipe
it off and it smeared, so--.

-Who's that man behind the door?

-I, you've, I don't know who,
what you're talking about.

What man?

What door?

-That would be his father.

His "dead" father.

-Don't anger the ghost!

Are you crazy?

-Where's your manners?

I'm trying to have
a romantic evening.

-Open the door, Mr. Margaret.

-Sure, I would, but-- Ah!

A poltergeist!

Oh, begone foul beast.

Seeks Alice in the
apartment across the hall.

I'd-- [LAUGHS] OK.

Here's the thing about--
You're-- Can I explain-- Huh.

See?

True ghost.

DISPATCHER (ON
RADIO): All units.

Report to the car bomb
outside Spearmint Strip Club.

-Oh, dear God.

It'll be horrific.

It's All You Can Eat Monday.

We will see you
again, Mr. Margaret.

We've got all your information.
We know where you live.

-(WHISPERS) OK.
Alice--

-Jesus, Todd.

You are literally the
creepiest, most deluded guy

I have ever met, and I
dated a Scientologist.

-All right.
Wait.

Alice, well, listen
to me, listen to me.

I was not going to rape you, OK?

And that guy was just an
actor that I hired, OK,

to entertain us
in case we happen

to come back here
to my second flat.

-Actor?

Second flat?

Jesus, stop lying!

-Hey, kiddo, your girlfriend
seems really, really nice.

-This is awesome.

Dad, what the f-- fudge
are you doing here?

-Ah, I got your
hint about hiding,

so I came in here and
saw these little cuties--

-London.

What are you doing in London?

-Well, I saw you
on the news on TV.

You were urinating on
that soldier's grave.

Yeah, so I flew over
here to lend you a hand.

-Oh.

-And I gotta say, son,
not to be a busybody,

but every couple has a fight
now and then, you know?

I mean, your mother
and I, we argue

about the most
ridiculous things.

Dance hall versus raga.
-Dad--

-Silly things like that.

But you're not going to win
an argument by raping her,

I promise you.

Now, I'm going to
go talk to her--

-Please don't.
Please don't.

---and use the old
Margaret flare.

-No!
Don't.

No flare.

Don't say anything to anyone.

Please don't.

WILTS (THROUGH DOOR): Todd,
argh, are you still there?

-That's my boss, uh, I--

WILTS (THROUGH DOOR):
It's not safe out there.

You got to get
back in here, man.

You can't let that
ghost eat you.

-Uh, Mr. Wilts, I
think you're, uh,

mixing up ghosts with zombies.

WILTS (IN OTHER ROOM): That
ghost looked hungry, man.

-Yeah, uh.

Listen, just hide here.

I don't have time
to explain, but you

have to pretend you're a
ghost, if anybody asks.

Because I told them
you were dead, OK?

Also, uh, you're
from Leeds, so you

have to be an English ghost.
-You got it, kiddo.

-Oh, God, Todd.

Save yourself. -Your
mate's gone well weird

about ghost and zombies.

That is not the
kind of environment

I want it brought up in.
-OK.

Now, Pam, um, I'm
wondering if my

dad, uh, (WHISPERS)
he's not really a ghost.

-Oh, really?
Yeah, all right.

-If he-- if he could possibly,
maybe, crash at your place--

-No.

---for a few days?

He'd be a really
good baby sitter.

-See you later.

[BABY COOS]

-Oh, God.

OK, dad, you can spend the
night in this apartment,

Here's another baby.
-Oh.

-Careful, OK, now--

[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]

Oh, jeez.

Hey Dave, uh, can't
really talk right now.

Got a lot of stuff going on.

-Sorry boss.

I just needed to
know whether you

wanted you're train ticket
tomorrow in standard class

or business class.
-What are you talking about?

What train tickets?

-Leeds, silly!

-Dave, we're not going to Leeds.

-But boss, I've
spent all evening

in the office planning meetings.

-Dave, look, [SIGHS]
business is like chess, OK?

And, um, I'm thinking
four, possibly

even five steps
ahead, all right?

And the smart business thing
to do is to just spin a web

and let the flies come to us.

-So you're saying your
a chess-playing spider?

-The scariest kind.

-Todd, close the door.

Don't let the zombie ghost in.

-No, the door's shut, Mr.
Wilts, and uh, the zombie

ate the ghost, and then
choked to death, again.

So we're good.

Are, are you OK?

-I'm tinkling.

(WHISPERING) Come on, come on.

Come on, friend.

I am not weak.

I am a strong confident asshole.

MALE VOICE (ON CD):
I will punch you

back up your mother's pussy.

-I will punch you back
up your mother's pussy.

MALE VOICE (ON CD):
I will punch you

back up your mother's pussy.

-I'm going to punch you
back up your mother's pussy.

-There he is.

-Listen up, or
I'm going to punch

you back up your mother's pussy.

-OK.

But can we do the tomorrow?

I'm kind of tired.

-We got some serious
shit to discuss.

-Why?
What?

-Look, I don't know
what's going on,

but I just found out that Global
National is a shell company.

-Oh, they make shells?

-Not anymore.

Apparently, they
lost so much money.

They had to move to a
tiny hut on an island.

-I-- I don't know what
you're talking about,

but am I in trouble?

-Deep trouble, because
of some financial shit

that I don't understand,
I, I mean, we,

are now in the hole $470,000.

Do you understand that?

So now I, I mean,
we, I mean, you

got to get out there and sell
the rest of the Thunder Muscle

so that I, I mean,
yes, I can save my ass

and get that money
back to Mountford.

-OK.
Wait.

I-- I don't even know
who Mountford is.

-Mountford is the guy who's
bankrolling all of this.

The guy whose money you're
spending, and he wants it back.

Like yesterday.

-Oh, that, that's not possible.

-And here's what's
going to happen

to us if you don't
get us that money.

[VOICEMAIL MESSAGE]
-I've never even met-- Oh.

[VOICEMAIL MESSAGE]
-I've never even met-- Oh.
-I've never even met-- Oh.
Ooh.

-I've never even met-- Oh.
Ooh.

-That's right.

-Oh, that's unnecessary.

-Serious shit.

-But that's not even-- um.

-And that shit'll
never end, kimo sabe.

-Wow.

-Yeah, Margaret.

Wow.

So you better up your game like
a billion percent, and also,

newsflash, that's my bed now.
-What?

Wh--

-That fucking Whitney decided to
play Miss Marple and now I got

kicked out of my hotel.

Now I've got to stay in
the company apartment.

By the way, why'd you choose
this fucking AIDS sanctuary

anyway?
-Be careful.

That thing moves.
Well, wait a minute.

I didn't choose it.

It was just all in
the information pack

that you sent me.

-What the fuck are
you talking about?

I never sent you an info packet.

Wha-- Wait a second.

Mr. Wilts, where am
I supposed to sleep?

-Sleep?
Are you kidding me?

This place is haunted.

You're on door-guarding duty.

-No, no, but--
-Hey, listen.

If you don't like it, just
send a letter to my asshole,

care of I Don't Give a Fuck
Lane, in the town of Shut

Up You Fucking, God,
I don't remember.

Just-- who cares?

It's not like I was going to
read the letter anyway, right?

-OK, but if I could
just get the--

-Door.

-Sir, I should
point out that you

should think about starting
to get ready for your game.

-Yes.

Have you seen my work clothes?

-Just there.

In case you've
forgotten, sir, you

are due to escort Miss Rhianna
to the Monaco Grand Prix

tonight.
DAVE: Cancel it.

With any luck, I'm
going to Leeds.

-And what shall I tell her?

DAVE: I don't care.

I mean cancel the
whole Grand Prix.

I need to appear as though
I've been up all night working.

Have my boxers been slept in?

-Yes, sir.
Eight hours, sir.

-Yes, sir.
Eight hours, sir.
-And you stuffed
my trainers, yes?

-And you stuffed
my trainers, yes?

-Yes, I took them
to the pub, sir.

Would you care for
some dandruff, sir?

-Mm.

-Mm.
Good.

Good.

How do I look?
-I would untuck the shirt, sir.

Excellent.

-How do I look?

-Like a sack of
shit In a nice suit.

Now, get rich, or try dying.

TODD: All right.

See you later.

-Boo!

I have traveled over
time for to thou--

-Sweet Jesus.

Come off your cross
and protect me.

---for which I am
doomed waiting for--

-Even stay on your cross.
I don't care.

Just protect me.
---and end to this.

-Alice?

-Oh, no.

-You want the truth?

Let's start with this.

These are drapes, not rapes, OK?

I'm not a rapist.

I'm not, OK?

I don't like rape.

Not even the fake kind, where
the woman kind of secretly

likes it, all right?

Classical rape--

-Todd, please stop saying rape.

-OK.
It is kind of funny, though.

I mean, just the other
day I was in here trying

to convince people
I wasn't a racist.

Now I'm in here
trying to convince

people I'm not a
rapist, you know?

I mean, what's it with
me and the R-A IST words?

I know they kind of rhyme.

Sounds a little like
a song from a musical.

(SINGING) I'm not a rapist, or
a racist, or a racist rapist,

but I do think
that you are cute.

Bump-bomp.

-Jesus.

Todd?

TODD: She liked it.

-Look, I appreciate
the curtains.

OK?

I can see where I may
have been confused there.

But I, I think we should
just say our good-byes,

and we just pretend
that we never, ever

met, or will ever meet
again in the future.

-No.

Alice, I lied to
you when I told you

that I was allergic to nuts.

I'm not, and I'm sorry.

Although, to be fair, I
don't like them very much.

So technically,
kind of allergic.

Also, I'm not from Leeds.

-OK, why don't I just
speed things a bit, OK?

You've never lived in
the House of Parliament,

you have no experience
as a salesman.

Oh.

And by the way, Todd, Leeds?
Really?

If you're going to lie
about being from somewhere

you've never been, at least
find out where it is, OK?

Buy a guidebook,
Google it, anything.

Oh, and, and, and your dead dad?

-And my dad's not dead.

Yes.

Correct, correct.

But who here hasn't
lied about that?

Uhp, seriously?

I'm the only one?

I'm the only one who's lied
about (CHUCKLING) having a de--

OK.

Look, Alice, OK,
the reason I said

those lies was so I could keep
this awesome, amazing job, OK?

If anybody from the
company finds out

this stuff isn't
true, it's over.

I mean, come on, you, you
have your dream job, you know,

that you'd do anything for.

You want to open up
your own restaurant,

your own, uh, Fat Duck
or, or Whack-A-Mole.

-La Molecule.

-Right, La Molecule.

That's your dream.

And you'd do anything
to achieve it.

-Yeah, I wouldn't
lie that badly.

-Alice, I do not want to
get in some stupid argument

about who's a better liar.

-I am not a liar.

You are.

You're the liar.

You are the sad, pathetic liar.

-Alice?

Alice.

Alice, I promise, I will only
tell you the truth from now on.

My name is Todd Margaret.

I'm not 25.

I'm 35 and a half, rounded down.

I'm from Portland, Oregon.

I've never been to Leeds.

My hair is starting to thin out.

My penis is very big.

And the girth is
nothing to shout about.

Unless your really tight.

-Du--, um, that's
enough sharing.

-I think you're a
beautiful woman.

And yes, I do like
you in that way.

Although, I'd like it if
your breasts were bigger.

-Todd!

-No.

I said what I came here to say.

My dad' not dead, and
I'm not from Leeds.

And I wish your
breasts were bigger.

-I will, with great
honor, martyr myself

for this mighty jihad.

-Osman, don't be a fool.

We will have Todd
Margaret do it.

-We need you.

You make the best bourekas
in the whole world.

-But I won't go to Heaven
and be greeted by 70 virgins.

-Osman, there are no 70 virgins.
-What?

-That's made up.

You don't believe, do you?

-Leeds has the world's
largest woolen mill.

-What we got here?

Hey!

-Oh, no!

It is Todd Margaret!
(FAKE PANIC) Quick.

Quick.
Run everybody.

Run.

Oh, no, no.

Wait, wait.

What is he doing?

-You guys gave me
counterfeit money.

-We can't be caught
by Todd Margaret.

He will show us no mercy.

Quick, run!

If I ever catch you guys again--
-Stop, stop.

Stop.

Uh.

(FAKING BREATHLESSNESS)
All right.

You caught us.

We recognize when we are beat.

-By a worthy foe,
and potential lover.

-Hey, Mehtap.

-(FAKING SADNESS)
Please don't hate us.

-Oh, whatever will we do.

We are ruined, now that
Todd Margaret has caught us.

We will be deported, and forced
back into the salt mines.

Unless what do we
have to give you,

but our last 3,000
or 2,000 pounds?

-Oh, great!

-Look, Mr. Margaret, you
deserve more than this.

-Ahmet, we could
give Todd Margaret

all the Thunder Muscle back.

-What?
No.

We cannot.

But we have to.

Mehtap, yes.

It is our only choice.

Here.

Todd Margaret.

Here is the real money for
you to spend as you wish.

-Great.
Ha-ha.

-It's all there.

And here are the keys for the
Thunder Muscle parked over

here.

-OK, good.

Yeah, I think I'll just
check it out first.

MEHTAP: Todd!

Todd.

I am so excited about you.

Why don't you meet me Saturday
night at this address,

promptly at 8:22?

-Peppermint Finger Bangs.

-Yes.

It's a sweet shop where
I do volunteer work.

-Oh.

-Here.

Take my extra phone.

My number is preset.

Just call me Saturday
night at exactly 8:22,

when you are parked outside.

It will be a date.

-Yeah.

OK.
All right.

Great.

Hey, does this have games on it?

ALL: No!

-Please.

-Don't use the
phone until you are

parked outside the strip
club, uh, sweet shop.

Uh, it's a sweet shop
club for the children.

It is important that you do
not use the phone until then.

-Don't use the phone until then.

-Uhm-uhm.

I want my first
time to be special.

-Oh, yeah.

Of course.

All right.

They're not coming
though, are they?

-No.

-OK.

I'll see you all later.

-(WHISPERING) Perfect.

Perfect.

-Mr. Margaret?

You've got a delivery.

And there's some mail.

-Hm.

Ich, another one
of these things?

How'd they even find me here?
It's ridiculous.

You buy Viagra one
time, you start

getting CDs you
never even asked for.

The, eh, the Viagra's
for a friend, as a joke.

For, uh, as um, actually his
friend, so friend of a friend.

His friend, actually.
-Right.

Here's your bacon roll.

And here is your
Sauvignon Blanc, 2008, OK?

That's what you ordered?

Yeah, it's a zesty
little number.

Actually, it's a good wine.
Has a good crisp finish.

It goes well with,
with, with, um,

things you eat much
later in the day.

-How about that kids?

Your first toothbrushes.

Ah, tomorrow, I'm going to
get you a pediatrician, then

some day care.

So I want you guys
just to sit tight.

I'll literally be right back.

I got to do something quick.

Boo!

-Oh, bollocks.

-Sor-- Sorry about that.

Boo.

Boo.

I am a ghost.

-Mr. Margaret?

-(GHOSTLY VOICE) I am the
ghost of Todd's father.

And I bring a
message to an Alice.

Is there an Alice in here?

-Mr. Margaret.

Todd came in earlier.

I know you're not a ghost.

-Ha, oh.

Well (CHUCKLES)--

[SOLITARY APPLAUSE]

Ah ha.

Thank you.

That's, that's how you
grab an audience, ha.

Hi, ha-ha.

I am Chuck Margaret.

I'm Todd's dad.

-Did Todd make you come here?

-Oh, no.

In fact, he insisted
that I didn't.

But I'm glad to see that you
two are, are talking again.

Yeah.

You've got a great thing going.

Don't throw it away.

-I don't know what
you talking about.

There is no, there's
no thing going.

I don't really know him.

-Oh, and also, uh, Todd and I
had that, uh, that rape talk.

-What?

-You know, I'm
sensing that you're

in a great deal of denial.

But that's OK.
I understand.

You're a new couple.

-No.

No, we're not,
we're not a couple.

-The first step to
fixing the problem

is admitting that
there is a problem.

See that's, that's
how Dr. Palmer

was able to get Todd to stop
soiling the bed last year.

-Umph, congratulations.

-Ha, yeah.

That's my boy, sort of.

-I've got to, um, I've got
customers to serve, so--.

-Oh.

Of course, of course.

I, I came here to, to
say what I had to say.

You're a great couple.

And Alice, you're a swell girl.

And Todd, he no longer
soils the bed, heh.

-See, really, a
friend of a friend,

and a friend of a friend,
of a friend of a friend.

You know.
Never even met the guy.

Sounds like a real jerk, though.

My friend's cool,
and his friend, too.

(INCREDULOUS) 10 million pounds?

-Morning, boss.

Hey, you seen this?

Jeremy Stevenson, head
of the Defense Committee,

has been found hanged in
his Parliament office.

-Oh.

So what?

I mean, that kind of stuff
happens all the time.

-Oh, it must have been
around the same time

you were on that tour there.

-Eh, guess so.

Well, at least he died happy.

-(STARTS CHUCKLING) Wh--
What makes you say that?

-Uh, oh, beca--
uh, oh, you know,

he was serving the people.

It's every Parliamentary
man's dream.

-Well, it's just
that in, in here

it says that he was
found "wanked to death."

-Oh.

-"Police are looking
throughout London for a bald,

moderately unattractive man seen
around Parliament Square last

night."

-Uh, all, all right,
Dave, Dave, OK?

I got a lot of work to do.

I got another prank
letter from Sainsbury's.

I need to jump on one of those
young and not legal boys.

I don't want some old
guy jerking me around.

I want the hottest kid they
got working this shit, OK?

I want to make this
hard for those assholes.

-Roger that.

-Dave, tuck in your shirt.

There's a lady present.

-Sorry, boss.

Um, oh, about Leeds, see--

-Oh, my God, Dave.

We're not going to Leeds!

Get it through your
thick head, OK?

Yes, I know Leeds is great.

It's got the world's largest
woolen mill, and sheep farming,

and mining are its
primary industries.

Don't you think I know that?

I'm sick of hearing about it.

-Yeah, but the thing
is, we're not--

-Dave, my decision is final, OK?

We're going to Leeds.

Lets go out the side door.

-But the train
station's this way.

-Yeah, well, we'll
take the company van.

Penny, burn all this.

-The company van?

-Are you sneaking?

-Yeah, just exercising, uh,
for my quads, you know, I--

[VEHICLE ALARM CHIRPS]

It's not-- it's not working.
I mean, I can hear it, but--

[ALARM CHIRPS AGAIN]

-Boss, I'm thinking that might
be the company van there.

-That's a truck, van.

So it's a truck-van,
is what I meant.

Sorry.

I forg-- I keep forgetting,
like, tired eyes.

Ha-ha, you know how it is.
I just think--

Come on.

We have meetings to go to.

Uh.

Eh.

What the hell is the
steering wheel doing--?

-Cheers for driving, boss.

I didn't get much
sleep last night.

Tired eyes, you know.

It's--

-Ah, that's all right.

You can drive.

-Nah.

-Yeah.

-I'm good.

-Come on.

-It's all right.

-No, really?

-I'll drive on the way back!

-Hey, um, well, what
if you drive now,

and I'll get the way back?

-Nah.

-Come on.

-Nah, it'll take a little
bit to get out, changeover.

It's not worth it.

-All right.

So it's, it's been a long time.

[POLICE RADIOS AUDIBLE]

OK.

Say your prayers.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

[ARAB MUSIC PLAYING]

DAVE: What's this music?

Where'd this truck
even come from?

TODD: I made the
Turks give it to me.

No one screws Todd Margaret in
the ass without paying for it.

-Can I get a pint
of lager, please?

And a half-pint
for the sneakers.