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'Previously on The Increasingly
Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret...'
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00:00:04,760 --> 00:00:06,480
Listen, it's crunch time.
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00:00:06,520 --> 00:00:09,320
16,000 more crates of Thunder Muscle
are being unloaded right now...
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00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:11,360
I know!
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00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:12,600
You're telling me Brent Wilts
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00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:14,320
is not the President
of Global National?
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00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:16,760
Hello, Mrs Plimpton?
Oh, cheese at Christmas!
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00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:18,160
Come on, this is pathetic!
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00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:21,120
You couldn't sell crack to a crack
whore! I know. I fudged that up.
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00:00:21,160 --> 00:00:23,080
I sent the pictures to Wilts
like you asked,
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00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:24,880
but it didn't go down well
with Sainsbury's.
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00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:27,600
Well, tell him to get a lawyer.
Tell him to hire ten lawyers.
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00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:29,840
Todd Margaret.
Ahmed, good to see you.
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00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:31,680
There's £30,000 in here, right?
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00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:34,600
Minus a handful of £30 notes.
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00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:37,120
I wanna introduce you
to a brand-new energy drink
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00:00:37,160 --> 00:00:38,640
that you are gonna love!
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00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:40,640
No, wait, wait!
This is a misunderstanding!
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00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:44,080
Wait, no, I'm American!
I mean, I grew up in Leeds.
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Help, anyone!
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00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:48,160
Honey!
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00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:54,840
MALE JUDGE: The charges include
breaking and entering,
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00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:58,000
sexual deviancy, libel,
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00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:02,440
airing pornographic content,
money laundering,
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00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:06,200
murder, anti-Semitism.
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00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:09,120
Silence in court!
GAVEL BANGS
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00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:15,440
Thank-Thanks for, uh,
gettin' me outta there.
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00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:18,200
Yeah, well,
you're lucky it's televised.
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00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:19,920
I can't believe you saw me.
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00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:23,360
The entire country saw you, Todd,
most of the world, probably.
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00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:25,720
Hey, do you think they saw
the Thunder Muscle?
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00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:28,440
Yeah, I suppose so.
Oh, that's great!
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00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:31,240
No, it's not great! It's stupid.
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00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:33,600
At least, it's stupid
for a legitimate businessman
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00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:35,680
who's supposed to know what
he's actually doing.
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00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:38,960
You know, you just, you just
gotta be honest with me, Todd.
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I am!
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00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:42,800
Oh, yeah, sure you are.
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00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:44,880
You're the head
of an international company,
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00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:47,600
but you haven't been able to sell
one can of fizzy drink.
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00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:50,480
You aren't aware of the concept
of exchange rates.
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00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:52,720
You don't know
how to dress yourself.
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00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:55,520
You-You live in a bedsit
that is filthy and disgusting.
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00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:57,000
You practically destroyed my cafe,
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00:01:57,040 --> 00:01:59,240
and you still owe me
for my kitchen curtains, by the way.
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00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:02,120
OK, first of all...
I know how to sell fizzy drink,
47
00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:04,280
and it's not fizzy drink.
It's an energy drink,
48
00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:06,320
a great tasting new way
to get up and go.
49
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:08,640
The exchange rate thing,
that was just me being confused,
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00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:10,560
cos I'm constantly travelling, OK?
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00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:12,320
And you're gonna get
your kitchen drapes.
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00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:13,440
I'm working on it.
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00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:15,680
You don't have to keep
asking about it, all right?
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00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:17,640
And... please, keep in mind,
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00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:21,160
I am still grieving
the loss of my father.
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00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:25,000
I know. I'm...
and I'm sorry about your dad.
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00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:27,280
And I told you,
I'm only in that place temporarily
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00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:30,280
until my new place is renovated.
Renovated?
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00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:31,960
Yeah.
Your new...
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00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:34,600
Todd, why are you lying?
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00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:38,160
I mean, you're-you're a nice bloke.
You know, you're good fun.
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00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:40,440
You're a sweet guy,
but you don't have to try so hard.
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00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:42,200
That's my apartment, right there.
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00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:44,360
I move in tomorrow.
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00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:48,520
You're moving into
the Houses of Parliament?
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00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:51,640
Surely even you recognise
the Houses of Parliament.
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00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:57,800
You know what I found out?
Not all houses.
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00:02:57,840 --> 00:02:59,440
Some of them
are actually apartments.
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00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:01,400
Anyway, that's mine over there, 5G.
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00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:04,280
Come by tomorrow. I'll be there
at, like, eight o'clock.
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00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:07,600
Jesus, you're hopeless.
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00:03:07,640 --> 00:03:11,160
No, Alice, seriously.
I-I-I'll prove it to you.
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00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:13,960
Come back here
at eight o'clock tomorrow.
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00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:15,600
I-I'll prove it to you.
OK.
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00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:23,040
Hi, fairy. Look what I did.
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00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:26,760
Oh, hey. Look at that.
Congratulations.
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Is it a boy or girl?
Either.
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00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:31,160
I'm gonna call it Leyton,
after its dad.
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00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:33,520
Leyton?
Leyton Orient,
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00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:35,360
that's who its dad plays for.
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00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:37,720
I don't actually know which one
the dad is,
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00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:39,960
but it's definitely
one of the reserve team.
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I couldn't see,
cos I got too much BLEEP in my eye.
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00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:45,120
And then I started feeling quite
sick, actually, cos I think I'd...
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00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:48,280
PROLONGED BLEEP
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00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:50,800
..in my mouth and my...
PROLONGED BLEEP
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00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:52,520
..then I completely passed out.
When I...
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00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:55,240
PROLONGED BLEEP
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00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:57,560
I think one of 'em
must've eaten fish.
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00:03:57,600 --> 00:04:01,520
OK, great. Well, uh, good luck...
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00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:02,880
to the baby, I mean.
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00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:11,040
Pam!
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00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:15,360
Pam, did you have the baby
in my apartment?
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00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:17,000
Well, I couldn't have it in mine,
could I?
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00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:19,760
Why not?
Because the bailiffs took my carpet.
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00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:21,600
Couldn't you at least clean up?
97
00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:23,080
I'm a new mum!
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00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:25,040
Pam, are you ready?
99
00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:27,320
Woo-hoo! Come on, Leyton!
100
00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:30,080
I'm gonna wet the baby's head.
I'll see you later!
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00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:37,560
Uh, Pam.
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00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:42,720
Uh, God.
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00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:40,800
# Oh, beautiful
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00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:45,400
# For spacious skies
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00:05:45,440 --> 00:05:48,640
# For... grain...
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00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:53,680
# A purple mountain
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00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:56,400
# Her majesty...
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00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:01,160
# Plains
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00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:06,400
# America, America
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00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:09,680
# God gave his son for thee. #
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00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:22,040
Hi, this is Todd Margaret
in the London office, um...
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00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:23,160
DOOR OPENS
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00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:26,200
..I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to tender my resigna...
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00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:29,400
Excuse me, one second.
Let me... I'll call you back.
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00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:30,760
Morning, Todd.
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00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:32,840
OK, look, I don't know
what your game is. Game?
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00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:36,400
I went to the Turks, OK,
to get the money. Yeah.
118
00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:39,760
And I got the money. I got £30,000.
Nice.
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00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,000
Counterfeit pounds.
120
00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:44,560
30,000 counterfeit pounds.
121
00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,960
And then, when I went back there
to confront them about it,
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00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,040
oh, guess what?
Surprise, surprise.
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00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:51,400
Long gone. Boarded up.
No sign of 'em.
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00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:53,480
Thanks a lot.
I didn't know about that.
125
00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:55,720
Yeah, right!
No, I swear to you.
126
00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:58,800
I had no idea, mate.
I feel sorry for you. I really do.
127
00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:01,800
Yeah, well, I'd feel sorry for you,
too, because you're part of this.
128
00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:04,600
Well, to be fair, I was
quite happy to go down there.
129
00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:06,000
You told me to stay here.
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00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:12,440
Well, it...
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00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:14,600
Doesn't matter, cos I quit.
132
00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:17,440
Quit? Oh, come on.
It's one little set back.
133
00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:20,960
One little set back?
Yeah, one little set back. Minor.
134
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:24,600
One minor, little set back,
30,000 counterfeit pounds,
135
00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:27,120
and I'm missing
all the Thunder Muscle,
136
00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:29,840
along with the fact that I paid
too much money for Steve Davis,
137
00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:32,560
Alice always thinks I'm lying,
Wilts won't get off my back,
138
00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:34,640
I got this new shipment of...
139
00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:39,760
Yeah, well, whatever. Bye.
140
00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:42,040
No, no, no, you can't quit, boss.
141
00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:45,360
Dave...
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00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:50,520
I know this job
means the world to you. Yeah.
143
00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:53,520
But... I don't care any more.
144
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:55,520
I'm gonna go home.
145
00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:57,800
Oh, come on, Todd.
Don't worry about that.
146
00:07:57,840 --> 00:08:01,120
We've got plenty of good
things to be happy about, you know.
147
00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:03,800
My mate, he's just cut
the Steve Davis commercial together.
148
00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:05,080
That should be airing soon.
149
00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:07,320
I've booked some air time
on Channel 4.
150
00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:09,360
Really?
Yeah! No worries, mate.
151
00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:10,480
It's gonna be brilliant.
152
00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:13,160
Although, with that mortifying clip
of you and the Thunder Muscle
153
00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:14,920
at the parade,
we might not even need it.
154
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:16,480
And Alice will come around.
155
00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:19,240
All you need to do is convince her
you're not a pathological liar.
156
00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:25,160
Oh, thanks, but no thanks.
157
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:27,480
PHONE RINGING
158
00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:29,480
I didn't know these received calls.
159
00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:31,720
Neither did I.
160
00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:33,280
Hello?
161
00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:35,040
Yes, this is Thunder Muscle.
162
00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:38,000
Yeah, of course. Yes.
163
00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:42,240
How many cases?
Could you repeat that?
164
00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:44,760
Uh, yes, um...
Oh, yeah.
165
00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:47,720
No problem at all.
Let me get your particulars.
166
00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:49,760
ANOTHER PHONE RINGING
Yes, sir, uh...
167
00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:53,080
Sure. Free delivery is not...
is not a problem.
168
00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:56,400
HE LAUGHS
I gotta go. I'll call you back.
169
00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:57,920
Got another one.
170
00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:01,440
Clancy's Internet Sensations
just bought six cases.
171
00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:04,000
This is nuts!
I know, it's brilliant, innit?
172
00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:06,560
I just set up three meetings for us.
Oh, good job!
173
00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:08,800
Yeah, and they're all
at your old stomping grounds.
174
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:11,360
You can show me around the place,
introduce me to your mates.
175
00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:13,320
What do you mean,
my old stomping grounds?
176
00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:16,920
Leeds, silly.
Oh... boy.
177
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:20,640
Yeah, just you and me, heading...
Out west.
178
00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:22,080
Up north.
North west.
179
00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:23,600
Just north.
Yup.
180
00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:25,920
OK, Dave. I got a question for you.
181
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:28,440
How do I get a place
in the Houses of Parliament?
182
00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:31,920
You gotta be elected.
Oh, like a co-op board.
183
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:35,200
Uh... Say I just wanted
to get in there and look around.
184
00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:37,720
You can't just wander in there.
It's exclusive?
185
00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:39,120
It's really exclusive.
186
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:41,920
Uh, you might be able
to get on a tour, though. A tour?
187
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:43,400
Oh, fancy apartments.
188
00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:44,880
Yeah, the question is,
189
00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:47,600
can I pull off
lookin' like a tourist?
190
00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:49,120
I'm sure you can give it a go.
191
00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:50,720
All right.
I'll head over there later.
192
00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:52,160
Just book a tour for me, all right?
193
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:54,280
Yeah, no worries.
I'll get straight on it.
194
00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:02,880
KNOCK ON DOOR
195
00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:07,040
KNOCK ON DOOR
Oh, what?!
196
00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:09,120
God!
197
00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:10,720
Fuck!
198
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:15,080
What do you want?
Uh, may I enter?
199
00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:16,440
No!
200
00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:19,880
If I could just enter
for a moment. I, um...
201
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:23,280
Would you go home?!
I fucking fired you!
202
00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:25,600
Well, actually, sir,
I'm here to fire you.
203
00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:27,320
You, Mr Wilts, are fired.
204
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:28,920
HE LAUGHS
205
00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:31,160
I found it curious that I never
received any paperwork
206
00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:33,080
from either you or Global National,
207
00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:35,240
so I put on my best Hardy Boys
and Nancy Drew outfit,
208
00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:38,360
and I did a little sleuthing.
You just won't go away.
209
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:40,280
You're like a botched abortion.
210
00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:43,160
Man!
Um, well, anyway,
211
00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:45,600
um, did you know
that there is no Brent Wilts
212
00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:47,840
registered to the company
of Global National?
213
00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:49,720
What the fuck are you talking about?
214
00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:53,320
Uh, elementary, my dear Watson,
or should I say "Wiltson"?
215
00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:54,920
No, I'm gonna say "Watson".
216
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:57,640
So, Watson, what I discovered
was that Global National
217
00:10:57,680 --> 00:11:01,040
is nothing but a shell company
registered to an address
218
00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:02,920
of a hut on the island of Antigua.
219
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:05,440
There's no office,
no phone number, no records.
220
00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:07,440
Simply put,
this company does not exist.
221
00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:10,200
Therefore, you are
the president of nothing,
222
00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:12,280
and you have no authority
over me whatsoever.
223
00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:14,160
Subsequently,
all lines of credit to you
224
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:16,320
from Dynamic Integrated
Business Resources
225
00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:19,240
have been cut off,
totally and permanently.
226
00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:20,840
Is this a joke?
227
00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:23,200
No, actually, I think
it's fraudulence and embezzlement
228
00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:24,520
at the highest degree.
229
00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:26,800
I'm working, as we speak,
with the CIA, FBI,
230
00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:29,360
and Scotland Yard... just
as soon as they return my calls.
231
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:32,160
Listen, man, I don't know
what any of this is all about.
232
00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:34,280
All I know is that I was working
at Dynamic Solutions
233
00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:37,360
and I got a call from this
Mr Mountford over at Global National
234
00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:39,840
saying that I was up for
a big promotion.
235
00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:42,440
I got all the credit cards,
the self-help CDs...
236
00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:45,720
Mr Mountford?
I'm unfamiliar with that name.
237
00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:47,760
Who is that?
How the fuck should I know?
238
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:49,320
All I know is I got a call
from the guy.
239
00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:51,560
Why don't you go look for him,
Sherlock asshole?
240
00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:52,960
KNOCK ON DOOR
What!
241
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:54,800
Mr Wilts, I'm sorry,
242
00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:57,160
but we seem to be having difficulty
with your credit card.
243
00:11:57,200 --> 00:12:00,320
I just wonder if you might be able
to come downstairs with me?
244
00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:02,480
You got Whitney'd!
245
00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:04,560
Hi, Doug Whitney, how are you?
I booked the case.
246
00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:06,440
Wait, no...
Please.
247
00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:18,000
Hi, my name's Todd Margaret.
I'm a tourist.
248
00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:20,520
I have a slight Leeds accent
cos I spent my summers there.
249
00:12:20,560 --> 00:12:22,800
I'm here for the last tour.
You're just in time.
250
00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:25,160
The group is forming over there.
Thank you.
251
00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:33,880
How ya doin'?
252
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:41,360
What is this place? Like a museum
or something, like a...
253
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:45,360
Are-Are you here for the tour?
254
00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:52,800
You know, where I come from,
it's polite to respond to somebody.
255
00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:58,000
Paul.
256
00:12:58,040 --> 00:12:59,520
Mal.
257
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:02,000
Ellen.
258
00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:03,760
Matt.
259
00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:18,840
ALTERS SPEECH: My name is Todd.
260
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:24,120
UPBEAT MUSIC
261
00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:45,280
ALTERED SPEECH: Sore throat.
262
00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:18,680
What? I sorry.
263
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:21,600
Me sad.
264
00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:22,880
From Leeds.
265
00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:25,040
Well, I spent my summers there.
266
00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:31,000
These people are deaf, Mr Margaret.
They're not retarded.
267
00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:33,280
I sorry. I didn't know th...
268
00:14:34,560 --> 00:14:37,600
Wait a second... are you undeaf?
269
00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:40,920
Stop talking like that!
I can hear... yes.
270
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:44,440
Congratulations!
I said, stop that.
271
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:48,680
IN OWN SPEECH:
I have to go to the bathroom.
272
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:18,360
Andy Capp... always
making things worse for yourself.
273
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:30,800
TODD'S VOICE: 'Come back here
at eight o'clock tomorrow.
274
00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:32,200
'I'll prove it to you!'
275
00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:34,760
ALICE'S VOICE:
'Todd, why are you lying?'
276
00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:57,560
DOOR OPENS
277
00:15:57,600 --> 00:16:00,480
Yeah, I'm just finishing up some,
uh, constituency business.
278
00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:02,680
I need you to get me a few things
for this evening.
279
00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:04,600
Just put 'em on expenses.
280
00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:08,560
Yeah, a belt, an orange,
back of a door
281
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:10,200
and a tank of nitrous oxide.
282
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:13,200
OK, cheers. Bye.
283
00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:14,720
What...?
284
00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:19,160
ALTERS SPEECH: Poo-poo.
285
00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:22,440
Sorry! Sorry!
286
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:26,360
MICROWAVE BEEPS
287
00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:28,400
TV: 'Will Mohammed be able
to convince his teacher
288
00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:29,960
'to enforce Sharia law
at the school?
289
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:33,160
'Find out next week
on Muslim Driving School.
290
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:35,520
'Now, stay tuned
for Jew Driving School,
291
00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:39,760
'followed by an all-new
Episcopalian Driving School.'
292
00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:02,640
DOOR CREAKS
293
00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:04,200
Hel-Hello?
294
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:07,000
Hello?
295
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:21,720
TV: 'Written on the wall in lipstick
were the words,
296
00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:23,520
' "Welcome to the world of AIDS." '
297
00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:25,120
I can't believe I'm doing this.
298
00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:27,760
'In other news, terror police
have released this image
299
00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:31,080
'of a man they wish to question
as part of their investigation,
300
00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:32,640
'code name Stop Apocalypse.
301
00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:36,080
'They believe he is an American
named Todd Margaret.'
302
00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:37,920
BIG BEN CHIMES
303
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:46,160
Come on, Alice.
304
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:50,360
What the hell is wrong with me?
305
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:53,760
Bloody hell, he's done it.
306
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:56,120
Todd!
307
00:17:56,160 --> 00:18:00,800
Good on ya that you did it,
but you need to get down now.
308
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:04,360
Uh, is that pizza? Come on up, 5G!
309
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:06,160
Oh, Alice, is that you?
310
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:08,560
I'm sorry.
I thought you were the pizza guy.
311
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:12,880
Yeah, O-OK, Todd... you win.
Just come down.
312
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:14,400
Seriously!
313
00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:16,040
I'm just gonna throw on a DVD.
314
00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:18,880
I'd invite you up,
but the place is a mess.
315
00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:21,280
Put your hands in the air!
Yeah.
316
00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:23,200
FEIGNS YAWN
I'm tired.
317
00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:25,480
I think I'm gonna skip the DVD
and go straight to bed.
318
00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:28,960
All right, coming, coming.
319
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:31,400
Oh, I'm coming to you.
320
00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:33,640
Don't come in.
Here I come, here I come.
321
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:40,320
I told you,
I was on a guided tour.
322
00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:42,880
I fell asleep on the toilet.
I was looking for the exit.
323
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:44,680
Do you have any ID on you?
324
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:47,680
Not on me, no, but I have
a passport, visa, work papers.
325
00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:49,560
All that stuff's
back at my apartment.
326
00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:52,000
If you could just let me go,
I'll call my boss, Brent Wilts,
327
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:54,640
he's here in London...
Sir, it-it's OK. He's harmless.
328
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:56,960
Sorry, who are you?
My name's Alice Bell.
329
00:18:57,000 --> 00:19:00,480
I run the Graceland Cafe,
Mr Margaret works across the street.
330
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:02,160
He's, um, he's from America.
331
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,800
But I-I grew up in Leeds.
Well, spent my summers...
332
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:07,000
Shut it!
He was sent here by his company,
333
00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:08,960
but it seems
they've made a terrible mistake.
334
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:11,000
He's clearly in way over his head.
335
00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:12,840
You've no experience in sales,
have you?
336
00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:16,000
Seriously, Todd, what's
your official job title there?
337
00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:18,360
President of drinks.
338
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:20,520
See?
339
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:25,240
So you can corroborate that he sells
a "kick-ass tasting energy drink?"
340
00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:27,600
Yeah, yeah.
There's a boss named Brent Wilts.
341
00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:30,240
Yes, sir, he has an asshole boss
named Brent Wilts.
342
00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:32,680
And the reason he was looking
for a disabled toilet...
343
00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:34,960
Oh, no, no...
We-We... That's... Officer...
344
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:37,760
..was because of his extra large
and thick penis.
345
00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:41,560
I-I wouldn't,
nor will I ever, know that.
346
00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:44,040
Sir, if we could just
go back to my apartment,
347
00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:45,360
I can make everything right.
348
00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:48,120
If nothing else,
I'll get a free ride home.
349
00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:49,840
I mean, cabs here are really insane.
350
00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:52,160
OK, here's what we're gonna do,
we're all gonna go.
351
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:54,520
You too, ma'am.
And we're gonna go to your flat.
352
00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:56,840
If anything doesn't check out,
you're gonna be arrested.
353
00:19:56,880 --> 00:19:57,960
Understood?
Yes.
354
00:19:58,000 --> 00:19:59,440
And you'll be deported.
Yes, sir.
355
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:00,560
Right.
356
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:02,760
Oh, can I ride in the front, though?
No. Oh, all right.
357
00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:07,080
Did you enjoy the Ambassador's
party, Mr Mountford?
358
00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:10,160
Oh, I did, Jeffrey.
The Ambassador was in fine form.
359
00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:11,960
Very good, sir.
360
00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:18,400
And then, I earned ¤50 by drinking
a half gallon of mustard.
361
00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:20,600
Um, so...
362
00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:23,800
I'll just, I'll get my phone,
and we'll call Mr Wilts,
363
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:25,760
and... right.
364
00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:28,880
Uh, the place is kinda messy, so...
and dirty.
365
00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:30,400
GROANING
366
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:32,280
That's why it's called a "yo-yo".
367
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:34,320
Close the door, man.
368
00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:37,520
Mr Wilts?
I had nowhere else to go.
369
00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:39,680
She'd only let me in
if I'd bang her.
370
00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:42,160
You can stop.
Oh, God!
371
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:45,640
Uh... What's this?
372
00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:48,120
Uh, that's for Alice.
373
00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:51,480
By the way, that money you gave me
was counterfeit.
374
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:54,920
I need some back-up here.
375
00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:58,680
You creep!
376
00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:01,240
Come on, Alice, you know
you've been askin' for it.
377
00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:03,840
Oh, no, no, no.
378
00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:05,960
I know that looks weird,
but it's her baby's blood.
379
00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:10,240
You better have a good lawyer.
I do, I do.
380
00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:12,400
I like the firm Young and Not Legal.
381
00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:13,480
You disgust me.
382
00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:16,160
OK, all right.
Wait a second, please.
383
00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:19,720
I have a reasonable explanation
for all of this.
384
00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:23,640
Hello? Hello?
385
00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:26,440
Oh, hi, excuse me.
I'm looking for Todd Margaret.
386
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:30,840
Todd! Hey, son.
387
00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:32,560
Hey, it's your old man!
388
00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:38,320
Dad?
389
00:21:38,360 --> 00:21:39,760
HE CHUCKLES
390
00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:41,520
Wait.
What?!
391
00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:44,360
A ghost!
392
00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:47,080
Aggggh!
393
00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:49,240
MUSIC: Life Is Sweet
by Johnny Marr
394
00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:51,960
# Life is short
And the days are long
395
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:56,160
# Gotta get right back
But I don't belong
396
00:21:56,200 --> 00:22:01,400
# Life's still sweet
So good, then it's gone
397
00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:07,080
# Things are gonna get worse. #
398
00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:08,720
I'm Steve Davis,
399
00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:12,000
international snooker player
and Thunder Muscle drinker.
400
00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:13,440
GUITAR RIFF
401
00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:14,680
..which I do not...
402
00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:17,680
Yes, yes!
WOMAN MOANING
403
00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:21,720
MAN: Crikey,
is that a Negro in my wife?
30595
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