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'Previously on The Increasingly Poor
Decisions Of Todd Margaret...'
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00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:07,760
How would you like to go to London?
Sell energy drinks to the UK?
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00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:11,080
I was looking for Dynamic
Integrated Business Solutions?
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00:00:11,120 --> 00:00:12,960
Wh-What's your name?
Dave.
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00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:15,040
How are you planning
to sell all this shit?
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00:00:15,080 --> 00:00:18,320
We have found a suspect package,
and we are gonna blow it up.
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Oh! That's my luggage!
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00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:22,280
Two weeks ago, I made
the mistake of sleeping with you.
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That mistake doesn't make me
your girlfriend.
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00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:27,560
Pleased to meet you.
Pleased to meet you.
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00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:32,040
And here is a gentleman's kiss
for a true princess of the kitchen.
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00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:33,800
You grew up in Leeds?
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My dad lives in Leeds.
Lived in Leeds.
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He's dead. Cos I did grow up
in Leeds, if anybody asks.
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I'm just saying... Ooh!
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Pervert. And if I see you again,
I'll rip your balls off!
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00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:45,200
Mmm! You love it, don't you?
Have another.
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Show 'em how much you love it.
You gotta show 'em your energy.
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You don't need another one.
No! I want one!
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00:00:49,880 --> 00:00:53,080
Oh, oh! I'd like to buy
a can of Thunder Muscle.
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00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:55,680
TEARFULLY: You're a nice lady.
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00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:03,680
MAN: The charges
include child endangerment,
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00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:06,720
espionage, embezzlement...
GROWING COMMOTION
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..persistent public urination,
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impersonating a gentleman.
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Order! Order! Silence in court!
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GAVEL BANGS
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HE WHISTLES TUNE
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Morning, Mr Margaret.
Buttered scone?
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Hey, thanks, Jimmy.
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HE CONTINUES WHISTLING
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Morning, Todd. You need to sign off
on the Leeds account,
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00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:41,320
and your three o'clock's
been moved to 16:00,
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00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:43,560
and your lunch with Simon Cowell
is fish and chips.
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Fish and chips again? That's all
I eat! I know. I'm sorry, sir.
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How's the cat? Did my dad call?
PHONE RINGING
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Yeah, but you said he's dead,
remember?
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Oh, right, right.
Answer your telephone!
39
00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:54,960
Hey, could somebody
answer the phone, please?
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00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:58,080
Todd, my date's here.
Do I have to do everything myself?
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You need to go.
BABY CRIES FAINTLY
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I have to do everything myself!
PHONE CONTINUES RINGING
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PHONE RINGING,
BABY CRYING
44
00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:10,680
HE GROANS
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00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:21,800
Hello?
46
00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:23,640
Good afternoon, Todd Margaret.
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00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:26,240
This is Todd.
It certainly is.
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00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:28,320
Who is this?
It's me, mate.
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00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:31,600
Oh, hey, Dave. Dave.
There you go.
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00:02:31,640 --> 00:02:32,680
Are you all right, Todd?
51
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:34,920
You drank a lot of that
Thunder Muscle yesterday.
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00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:36,920
Yeah. Uh... Did we sell
any Thunder Muscle?
53
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Nope, not a single can. Not a one.
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00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:43,440
Oh, damn it. But anything can
happen. The day's not over yet.
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Well, I mean, it nearly is.
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Wait, why? Wh-What time is it?
Uh, 1:45.
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What? Oh, uh, shit!
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OK, yes. I'll be in the office
in a minute. OK. Ta-ta.
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KNOCK AT DOOR
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Yeah.
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KNOCKING CONTINUES
Yes, coming!
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Oi! What are you on about?
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I was using the phone.
64
00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:08,120
Oh. Nice place, Mr Posh!
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I'm sorry. Can I ask you not to,
uh, smoke in here, please?
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00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:13,840
Oh, yeah, sorry. Sorry.
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00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:17,200
No, don't... Mum, the baby's
eaten all me Cheestrings.
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Oi!
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00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:21,760
What have I told you about
nickin' other people's Cheestrings?
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00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:24,520
Kids, huh? Ain't worth
half as much as they used to be.
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00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:28,840
Well, it was very nice to meet you.
Uh, thanks for coming in.
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00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:30,680
Oh! Are you American?
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Pam's got somethin' of a thing
for Americans.
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Oh, I'm from Leeds... fortunately.
Oh.
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Ah! Think my waters are breaking.
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Oh, I don't wanna make a mess.
All right. C'mon. See you later.
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All right.
Come on, Sambuca.
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Are you me new daddy?
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LIQUID TRICKLING
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# Life is short
And the days are long
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# Gotta get right back
Where I don't belong... #
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Morning.
Piss off.
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00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:09,520
A coffee...
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Oh, this place. Alice.
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Alice?
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00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:17,480
Oh, Jesus.
Last night...
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you were just, uh...
That was amazing.
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I mean, for me to come,
like I did, you know...
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all over the place.
I-I made quite a mess, and... Oh!
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00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:30,520
I see you've heard about
Thunder Muscle.
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00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:32,160
Yeah, that's the poisonous crap
92
00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:34,280
that made you go mental in here
yesterday.
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00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:35,720
I-I looked it up on Google,
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00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:38,000
and the Korean
translates as "bad sanitation,
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"caution to proceed with beverage".
I don't see a problem with that.
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00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:44,120
You don't see a problem with that?
No. It's... Thunder Muscle's good.
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Thunder Muscle's good.
All right.
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00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:48,160
If it wasn't the poisonous crap
that made you go mental,
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you must've been drunk.
No, I don't drink.
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Oh, yes, I had a few beers,
for salesman purposes, but...
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Uh, the reason I APPEARED drunk
102
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was because I was actually woozy,
light-headed,
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because of all the blood
I had donated earlier in the day.
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You gave blood?
Yes.
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First thing I do when I go
to a new country is donate blood.
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Not that this is a new country,
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cos I spent my summers in Leeds
with my dad, who recently died.
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Yeah, we were pretty close,
Dad and I. He was a good man.
109
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That's a lovely thing to do.
Where did you donate blood?
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Um, I donated it to a...
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sick little English girl. Cancer.
Oh.
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00:05:25,120 --> 00:05:27,800
Well, you know, if...
if she gets better,
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you bring her in here, and she can
have... I can't, cos she's dead.
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She... Yeah. Already?
Yeah, yeah. It was tragic.
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Her body rejected my blood.
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It was too good. Too rich, really.
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It's like when you go
to an expensive restaurant
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and you have a really nice meal,
and it's creamy, and you love it,
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but then it's like, afterwards,
like, "I don't know,
120
00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:47,840
"that was too much."
You know? "I feel sick...er."
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OK. Well... thanks, Todd.
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I've gotta get on here.
You know, I'm busy.
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00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:54,760
I've gotta make money to pay for
all the stuff you broke yesterday,
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so, you know, unless
you're gonna order some food, or...
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Alice, Alice, I fully intend to
replace anything I broke or damaged.
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00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:04,720
I mean, it's the least I could do.
127
00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:06,720
Hmm. Well, it's not
the least I could do.
128
00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:09,400
You know, I could go,
"Hey, kiss my ass, bitch!
129
00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:11,120
"I ain't paying you shit. Boom!"
130
00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:14,160
Hey, what's wrong with you?!
No. Um, all right.
131
00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,800
Wh-What's the most expensive
thing you have on your menu?
132
00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:18,920
It's the Gutbuster breakfast.
133
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:22,360
OK. Alice, I would like to order...
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00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:26,400
let's say 32 Gutbuster breakfasts
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and 32 large,
fresh-squeezed orange juice.
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Put it on my card, expense account.
137
00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:39,240
OK. I will.
138
00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:41,680
Morning, Dave.
Evening.
139
00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:43,840
Breakfast?
140
00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:45,280
Er, no.
141
00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:47,960
Juice?
No bag juice for me. Thank you.
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All right. Well, I'll set 'em here,
in case you want 'em later.
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00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:52,000
Oh, this was weird.
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00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:55,320
I went on Google Earth earlier to
check out 21 and 50 Church Avenue -
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you know, where you spent
your summers in Leeds. Yeah.
146
00:06:58,040 --> 00:07:00,200
How long were you gonna
keep that a secret from me?
147
00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:01,680
Uh, wh-what?
148
00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:03,880
21 Church Avenue.
149
00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:05,480
You lived in a hospital!
150
00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:07,080
Yeah. Well, here's the thing.
151
00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:09,640
My dad... I didn't wanna say it as,
uh, it's embarrassing,
152
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but my dad had a bit of a temper,
so I spent half of my time there.
153
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,200
Oh, I thought you said
you had great times with your dad.
154
00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:16,920
I did.
155
00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:19,280
I was... really a masochist
back then,
156
00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:21,000
so, you know, it worked out.
157
00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:23,960
But, hey, listen to this.
Good news - I'm going on a date.
158
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Really? Yeah.
Who's the lucky prostitute?
159
00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:28,320
No, seriously.
You know Alice, from the cafe?
160
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:31,280
Oh, what, her mum? No, her.
I'm going on a date with her.
161
00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:32,880
I figure, you know,
162
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:35,200
I owe her, cos of yesterday
and all that stuff,
163
00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:37,960
and, uh, I told her
I'd take her to the pub for dinner.
164
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:40,320
Ah, the pub! What a true gentleman.
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00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:41,640
That I am.
166
00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:45,080
Um, would you call them and make a
reservation for two for six o'clock?
167
00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:46,560
I don't think they do reservations.
168
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:50,600
Excuse me, was that just
you undermining my authority?
169
00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:55,160
No. Do not make me give you
another verbal warning.
170
00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:56,920
Reservation it is, then.
171
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:59,560
Oh, before I forget, something
came for you in the post today.
172
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It's a company chequebook
173
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:03,720
and your very own
company mobile phone,
174
00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:05,560
with the number of the head office
pre-set.
175
00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:07,800
Whoa, pre-set!
Yeah.
176
00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:11,000
Oh, and Mr Wilts called.
Huh? Oh, what did he want?
177
00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:13,920
He wants to know "how the sales
are going, you wilted prick".
178
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:16,520
His words, of course.
Well, except for "wilted".
179
00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:18,720
I added that.
180
00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:22,040
All right.
Uh, well, here goes nothin'.
181
00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:30,360
Hey, numbnuts. Is that you?
182
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:32,040
Hey, Mr Wilts.
How's it going over there?
183
00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:34,120
Good, good.
You making me any money?
184
00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:37,520
Oh, yeah. You were right, sir.
The Brits love their energy drinks.
185
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:38,960
Ooh, tell me about it.
186
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TODD LAUGHS
187
00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:42,520
'So?'
What?
188
00:08:42,560 --> 00:08:44,280
Get the cock out of your ear,
dumbfuck.
189
00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:45,880
I just said tell me about it!
190
00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:48,720
Oh, right. Uh... Well, um...
191
00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:51,760
Uh, I m-made a number of sales
already,
192
00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:55,240
uh, to different, uh, business...
Oh, hang on one second.
193
00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,080
There's my other line.
194
00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,760
PHONE RINGS
Yeah?
195
00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:02,280
Dave, Dave, give me the name
of a local family-run store.
196
00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:05,080
Er... Sainsbury's.
197
00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:06,680
'OK, got it. Thanks, Dave.'
198
00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:10,360
Yeah,
just made a sale at Sainsbury's...
199
00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:13,600
Dave, would you mind calling
the salesman hall of fame
200
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:16,400
and tell them
to score one for the big guy?
201
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,120
What did you somehow manage to do?
202
00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:20,320
I just told Wilts
about the big sale.
203
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:23,160
What big sale?
The big sale we're about to make.
204
00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:25,920
How's that?
Here's what I want you to do.
205
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:27,960
I want you to go to
this Sainsbury guy, all right?
206
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,360
Take him a case of Thunder Muscle.
207
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:31,440
W-Wait, me?
Yeah, you.
208
00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:34,000
Give it to him - free.
"Hey, we like your little store.
209
00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:36,320
"We wish you luck with it."
Wh-Why am I doing this?
210
00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:38,120
Because I have a date, remember?
211
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:40,720
Then you take a couple snaps,
all right? E-mail 'em to Wilts.
212
00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:41,800
Get him off my back.
213
00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:44,360
Tell him we'll stock his whole store
half price next.
214
00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:47,400
Doesn't really sound like
a very good plan.
215
00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:49,400
That's your second verbal warning.
216
00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:51,800
There it is, right there.
217
00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:54,000
I didn't get to be
a top ace salesman
218
00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:58,360
by not knowing how to plan... plans.
219
00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:00,280
Sorry, boss.
OK.
220
00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:02,080
Apology accepted.
221
00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:05,240
All right. Well,
I'm gonna go back to my apartment,
222
00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:07,040
change my clothes,
get ready for my date.
223
00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:08,560
I smell like piss.
224
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:10,320
Your clothes were blown up,
remember?
225
00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:14,120
Right. Hey, you need
some nice clothes for tonight.
226
00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:17,560
I mean, you can hardly go down there
in urine-soaked, shit-stained...
227
00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:19,120
No, I didn't shit myself.
228
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:21,400
Didn't you?
No, I didn't.
229
00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:24,240
Oh, that's interesting,
cos you smell like piss AND shit.
230
00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:26,360
I didn't!
All right, I believe you.
231
00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:28,400
Anyway, you need
some nice clothes for tonight,
232
00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:30,440
and if I were you, I'd go to...
233
00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:32,560
TODD LAUGHS
234
00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:33,920
I'm sorry.
235
00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:37,320
No disrespect, but, Dave,
you're clearly not me.
236
00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:40,760
You know, I want to impress her.
Know what I mean?
237
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:43,920
Oh, I get it. Cos, you know,
I dress like a loser,
238
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:46,440
and you wanna look like...
A gentleman?
239
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:49,040
Like a proper English gentleman.
Bingo.
240
00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:50,800
Not a typical American twat.
241
00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:53,200
Exactly.
Well, here's what you're gonna do.
242
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:55,000
This is the name
243
00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:58,040
of a very well-respected
gentleman's outfitters.
244
00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:03,800
They should have you looking like
a proper English gent in no time.
245
00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:06,440
All right. OK, great.
246
00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:09,240
Thanks for that, Dave.
No worries, mate.
247
00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:13,600
I will head there straight away
and then get ready for my big date.
248
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:16,600
Oh! You never know.
249
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:35,000
How you doin'?
250
00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:37,360
Probably shouldn't be doin' this.
251
00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:41,920
I got a girl back, uh... back home,
but that's 9,000 miles away.
252
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:44,320
She'll never know, right?
253
00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:46,960
It'd break her heart, though,
if she found out.
254
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:50,280
Ugh, it's been months.
I HAVE to get laid.
255
00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:53,200
Well, I thought you said
you slept with that guy Ted, or...
256
00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:55,280
Todd, the crying guy.
257
00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,960
Oh. I totally forgot about him.
258
00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:00,840
You know what? I was totally wasted
on cough syrup and fell asleep.
259
00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:02,160
I don't think that counts.
260
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:04,760
Well, here. Yeah.
261
00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:09,040
Here you go. Thank you.
Oh, uh, name's Todd Margaret.
262
00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:12,000
I'm here from America,
and I am selling Thunder Muscle.
263
00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:13,960
So why don't you
take a free sample?
264
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:16,840
MEN SPEAK OWN LANGUAGE
265
00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:23,480
I have heard of this. Is this yours?
266
00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:27,640
Uh, it's yours now. Please.
My... My gift to you.
267
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,800
THEY CHUCKLE
268
00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:32,400
Uh, how late are you guys
open till tonight?
269
00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:35,400
Cos I may have to come back later,
cos, uh, I may run out,
270
00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:37,360
cos there's only three in here,
271
00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:40,080
so I may, uh, end up
going through all these tonight.
272
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:41,840
I mean, what are they thinking?
273
00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:44,280
For regular guys, you know,
you need at least six.
274
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:48,440
Um, listen, ma'am. If you are, uh...
275
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:52,720
uh, interested, um,
let me give you my business card.
276
00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:54,920
It's got all my information on it.
277
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:59,280
And if you're interested
in the drinks, or, you know...
278
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:03,440
just maybe you and I going out
for a drink, uh, sometime...
279
00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:05,160
Um...
280
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:07,800
Here are my deets. Uh, Todd.
281
00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:10,160
Mehtap.
Mehtap.
282
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:14,560
A beautiful name
for a beautiful hair...
283
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:15,920
do on you.
284
00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:55,120
Alice!
Hello.
285
00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:57,280
HE CHUCKLES
Hey.
286
00:13:57,320 --> 00:14:00,320
Why are you dressed like that?
I wanted to look nice for you.
287
00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:01,760
Dave suggested where to go.
288
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,320
Where's that? 1872?
289
00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:06,160
I don't know the name of the store.
290
00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:09,880
Can I have my cheque? Yeah, but
don't you want your free meal first?
291
00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:11,480
Meal? Oh...
292
00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:13,360
Oh, I-I thought
we'd have a quick drink,
293
00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:16,240
a-and then you'd give me
my cheque for the damages.
294
00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:18,680
That's why I said,
"Meet me at the pub." For dinner.
295
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:21,160
Oh. Well, I'm not really
that hungry.
296
00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:23,040
I made a reservation and everything.
297
00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:26,720
Oh.
So...?
298
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:36,120
Oh, OK. We can eat it quick.
299
00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:37,720
Good! Yeah, it'll be good.
300
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:45,560
Hi. Name's Margaret, table for two.
301
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,600
Margaret? That's a girl's name.
302
00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:49,840
I booked a table for two,
six o'clock?
303
00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:51,120
You what?
304
00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:54,200
I had my people call and book
a table for two. What you on about?
305
00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:56,720
Y-You don't need to book...
Alice, Alice, I've got this.
306
00:14:57,760 --> 00:14:59,560
SPEAKING SLOWLY:
I booked a table, IE...
307
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:03,880
made a reservation on the telephone
308
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,760
for six o'clock.
309
00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:07,040
Did you, now?
310
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:08,960
Yes.
How classy of you.
311
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:10,960
Let me just show you to your table.
312
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:13,120
Thank you.
One of those.
313
00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:23,960
Can I have a manager
to checkout number five, please?
314
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:25,560
I'm getting a message to notify
315
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:27,880
all local and national
emergency services.
316
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:30,200
Sir, where did you get this?
317
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,160
Er, just down there.
318
00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:34,880
The good thing is, it was all stuff
I was gonna replace, anyway.
319
00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:36,520
Really?
Yeah, yeah.
320
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:39,920
I'd like to turn my cafe into
a molecular gastronomy restaurant.
321
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:42,600
I love molecular gastronomy!
I'm just having a bit of difficulty
322
00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:45,160
getting my landlord
to give me a booze licence.
323
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:46,920
That's all you need?
A liquor licence?
324
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:49,840
I think part of the problem is
it's a small business. Done.
325
00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:52,240
But if I was a big business, then,
you know, it's...
326
00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:53,440
Hm?
327
00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:56,280
Done. I'll call America, set it up.
328
00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,480
Really? How would you do that?
329
00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:00,560
Alice...
HE LAUGHS
330
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:03,720
All right. I'm sorry...
I don't mean to sound condescending,
331
00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:06,440
but I work for
a huge international company.
332
00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:10,520
I think procuring a liquor licence
for a little cafe in England...
333
00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:13,320
probably the least
of my difficulties. Sorry.
334
00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:14,640
PHONE RINGS
335
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:17,720
Oh, that's work.
I gotta get this. Sure.
336
00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:20,560
Sorry. It's my director of strategy.
What's up, big dog?
337
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:24,280
Yeah. Erm, I sent those pictures
over to Wilts, like you asked,
338
00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:27,440
but it didn't go down too well with
Sainsbury's. Why, what happened?
339
00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:30,160
They had some kind of problem
with me leaving a toxic drink there.
340
00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:32,680
Toxic? Hey, that's slander.
341
00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:35,520
You know, we... uh, uh...
No. Screw that guy.
342
00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:37,440
You go back there and tell him,
343
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,760
"Hey, you wanna go deep-sea diving
with the big boys?
344
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:42,560
"You best be prepared to run into
a giant squid every now and then."
345
00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:44,560
What?
WHISPERS: I'm the giant squid.
346
00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:46,520
All right. So, what should I do?
347
00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:47,840
Well, tell him to get a lawyer.
348
00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:50,000
Tell him to hire ten lawyers.
I don't give a shit.
349
00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:52,800
Tell him I'm gonna have him
sellin' bananas at a banana place,
350
00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:55,760
but in Poland, probably.
What the hell are you talking about?
351
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:57,120
I'll see him in court.
352
00:16:57,160 --> 00:17:00,880
Ugh, Alice, I am so sorry
that you had to hear that.
353
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:02,960
It's fine.
354
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:05,720
But that is the downside
of business.
355
00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:08,840
It's a brutal world.
And, you know, I got a theory...
356
00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:11,840
You wanna run with the bulls
in Pamplona? Who doesn't, right?
357
00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:15,240
But you better be prepared
to literally get gored up the ass
358
00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:19,800
by a figurative horn,
but from a literal bull, right?
359
00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:21,480
Yeah.
360
00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:23,720
Either way, it's gonna hurt,
is my point.
361
00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:26,680
I'm Todd Margaret.
I don't scare easily.
362
00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:27,760
Hm.
363
00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:34,440
Um, hey, uh, uh, what do you...
Let's get out of here.
364
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:36,840
What do you say? I'm not finished.
I mean, neither are you.
365
00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:39,640
Aren't you trying to watch
your figure? What?! Come on, woman.
366
00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:42,120
You know, it's... it's the nuts.
I'm allergic to nuts.
367
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:44,120
Right over there,
and I can't even be around them.
368
00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:45,680
You eat a nut, I'll have a reaction.
369
00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:48,160
I need you to shield me
from the nuts. OK.
370
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:50,640
Come on, really bad. Sorry.
That's... That's a bad allergy.
371
00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:54,040
I... It's like mushroom soup
coming through my eyeballs.
372
00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:57,400
MACHINE BEEPING
373
00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:02,680
You know,
when we first got to the pub,
374
00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:04,680
I thought, you know,
"This is hideous.
375
00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:07,000
"I'm just gonna have a quick drink,
out of politeness,
376
00:18:07,040 --> 00:18:10,560
"and then make some excuse
about feeding my bees or something."
377
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:11,880
SHE LAUGHS
378
00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:14,960
But, you know, it just turned out
to be quite good fun. Yeah.
379
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:17,480
I-I had a great time.
Good.
380
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:19,440
Do you wanna come up?
381
00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:21,920
Um...
Use the toilet?
382
00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:24,240
Oh...
To urinate in...
383
00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:27,200
Or worse? That was
a big ol' shepherd's pie you ate.
384
00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:30,040
Yeah. I could, uh, use the toilet.
385
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:32,560
But, you know, for the...
for the former, not...
386
00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:35,760
I don't need to... I'm fine.
OK, yeah.
387
00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:40,560
Should be flushed already.
388
00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:43,800
SHE LAUGHS
What's all this?
389
00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:46,120
This isn't for me, is it?
You didn't think...
390
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:49,320
SHE LAUGHS
I thought...
391
00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:51,400
Oh, no! For... Oh, for you?
392
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:52,880
Nah. No. This isn't for you.
393
00:18:52,920 --> 00:18:55,280
What? You thought this was for you?
Don't be silly!
394
00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:56,560
BOTH LAUGH
395
00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:58,720
God, no.
Whew!
396
00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:00,960
No, no, no. I didn't even think
you'd come back here.
397
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,640
You know, not that you wouldn't,
but I'm saying this would imply
398
00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:05,800
that I had thought about it,
which I didn't, at all.
399
00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:08,520
This is actually for... You know,
this is one of those things.
400
00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:11,520
It's for the girl with cancer.
I thought you said she was dead.
401
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:14,440
Tired. "Dead tired" is what I said.
402
00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:16,880
Oh. Oh, well, that's sweet.
403
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:19,160
Look, you got her a little...
a little teddy.
404
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:21,120
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And some flowers and a...
405
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,520
Well, you don't have to... OK.
406
00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:25,320
Wh-Why would you buy
a little girl with cancer
407
00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:26,960
a box of condoms?
408
00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:29,320
She's not that little.
409
00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:31,280
Uh, I mean,
she's already sexually active.
410
00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:34,720
A bit of a whore, really.
I mean, that's how she got cancer.
411
00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:36,160
HE WHISPERS: The mouth.
412
00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:38,040
And they're chocolate-covered.
413
00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:40,200
They're chocolate-covered, uh...
414
00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:42,040
con... Kids.
415
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:45,760
To teach kids...
how to eat... con...
416
00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:48,680
Well, I-I'm just gonna...
417
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:51,760
I'm just gonna quickly use the loo,
and, um...
418
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:54,960
Um, perhaps someplace else. Um...
419
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:59,160
I've gotta go, because, um, I've
gotta get up early and feed my bees.
420
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:02,040
Oh, yeah. You make your own honey.
Yeah.
421
00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:06,800
All right. Well, I had a great time,
and, uh...
422
00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:08,680
Uh, I guess, uh...
423
00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:10,880
Oh, boy.
424
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:14,160
Well, I guess it's official.
This is the...
425
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:17,240
awkward... part of the evening.
426
00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:20,040
Not really. I'll see you tomorrow.
OK.
427
00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:22,760
Uh, can I walk you to a cab?
428
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:26,800
No, I'm fine.
Or just maybe... Yeah.
429
00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:29,680
Oi! Mr La-de-da, is that you?
Hey, Pam.
430
00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:32,000
I've got an emergency.
Why, what?
431
00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:34,600
I need 20 Benson
and a litre of White Lightning.
432
00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:36,920
I can't send the kids,
cos they're still out at work.
433
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:39,880
That's medicine? Yeah.
SHE GROANS THEATRICALLY
434
00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:42,560
Wh-Where do I go? Just go to
Sainsbury's, just around the corner.
435
00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:45,240
He'll be open this late?
Yes.
436
00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:48,080
You got money?
No. Argh!
437
00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:50,240
What, Bensons in the diamond pack,
or...?
438
00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:52,440
20 Benson
and a litre of White Lightning!
439
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:55,280
Go on, go. Argh!
440
00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:57,360
SHE STOPS GROANING
Fuckin' hell.
441
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:00,960
TANNOY: 'Customer announcement.
442
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:05,200
'Sainsbury's will be closing
in ten minutes. Thank you.'
443
00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:14,080
Excuse me? Uh, this is Sainsbury's?
444
00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:15,240
Yeah.
445
00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:18,200
Is it a local grocery store?
I suppose.
446
00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:21,480
Is this the only one?
No. There's about 1,000 of 'em.
447
00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:23,520
Do you think
they have a good legal department?
448
00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:41,280
# Life is short
And the days are long
449
00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:45,400
# Gotta get right back
Where I don't belong
450
00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:50,600
# Life's still sweet
It's a good thing that's gone
451
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:55,360
# Things are gonna get worse. #
452
00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:59,480
BIRDS SQUAWK
35680
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