All language subtitles for The.Great.North.S04E03.iNTERNAL.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH

- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here, you
can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

Now remember, people are
gonna see this banner

right when they walk in the door
for the Lil' Prommers Prom Prep.

For Lil' Preppers Practice
Prom, so it can't be crooked.

- Okay, how does that look?
- Uh... perfect.

- Meow. Meow.
- Moon, you okay there?

You only involuntarily meow
when you're extremely stressed.

I'm not stressed.

- Meow.
- Oh, I see.

Is today the day you
ask Quinn to the dance?

Oh, boy. It's good
that he's just meowing.

We'll know he's really
nervous if he...

Aw, come on, Moon!
As a fellow Prepper,

I'm sure you've run through
every possible scenario.

What's the worst thing
that could happen?

- I die.
- I'm sure she'll say "yes."

You're one of the Top Ten
Most Eligible Preppers.

You're smart, you're funny,
you own your own bear suit.

Moon, go.

Hey, Quinn, it's
Moon. From school?

Hi, Moon. I knew it was you,
because of how I can see you.

Cool. Cool. Anyway, I
was just thinking, um,

I'm going to the Lil'
Prommers Prom Prep.

For Lil' Preppers Practice Prom.

You're going to the
Lil' Prommers Prom Prep.

For Lil' Preppers
Practice Prom, so

what if we went together?

Oh. No.

No. No. No. No.

No. No...

Meow.

Oh, my God, everybody,

Moon just asked Quinn to the
dance, but she said, "No."

Moo.

Oh, God, he mooed a meow!

Does anyone know the
science on that?!

Maybe it would have
been better if he died.

Son, I ironed

your suit for the Lil'
Practice Prommers... Ah.

I see you're packing your
most prized possessions

into a duffel bag.

- I assume this means you're going off-grid?
- Yup.

Well, may I ask what triggered

this latest rupture
with society?

School? Siblings? Social
circle? Lady troubles?

Troubles doesn't
begin to describe it.

Mm, I see. I fear I also
have been in your shoes.

I wish I could make
this better for you,

but some time in the
woods alone is indeed one

of the only known cures.

Thank you. I'll
need that headlamp,

and that family-size bag

of Captain Aloof's
Cheezy Poofs, please.

The weather band said

a Chinook wind might
blow through tonight.

So I would also ask you
to take a walkie-talkie

- in case of emergency.
- All right, but where I'm going,

it's gonna be a lot
more walkie than talkie.

Goodbye, Father.

Remember to report to
the van at 0800 hours.

You may go off the grid, but not
off the school attendance list.

Ah. This is the life.

And with each moment,
I care less and less

about you-know-who
saying you-know-what

about the little
you-know-what prep

for you-know-what
practice you-know-what.

Aah! Oh.

Chinook wind.

Nice try, nature. You're not
gonna get rid of me that easy!

Mysterious figure in a gas mask

and Hazmat suit running
through the woods?

Oh, you better believe I'm gonna
see where the hell this leads.

Code Wintermint!

Code Wintermint!

Wintermint. Wintermint.

"Wintermint: Mysterious
figure in gas mask

"sighted on Tobin
property disappearing

into locked hatch
in the ground"?

This is why I never
remove my under-poncho

during rainy season.

Ah, man, you guys woke me
up from the craziest dream.

The Mucinex Booger
made me dinner,

but we couldn't eat
until I sneezed?

And then I did, and it
was such a good sneeze

that The Mucinex
Booger was crying!

And now I'm in the
woods with a frying pan.

Judy, uh, what's
the, uh, book for?

Y-You gonna use it as a weapon?

Maybe. It's 1001 Irish Jokes.

If he's Irish, he
could be devastated.

Okay, weapons ready.
We're almost there.

The hatch door is camouflaged
to look like the ground.

That's probably why we
never noticed it before.

Attention, trespasser:
Please show yourself!

Nice try, ya crummy commies!

You'll never take me alive!

Uh, we are not commies,

and we mean you no
harm. What is your name?

My name's Mind
Your Own Business,

Boris, Nuclear Mutant of
the Eternal Wasteland!

And my name is Beef Tobin.
You're on my property.

- Did you say "Beef Tobin"?
- Affirmative.

If you're a Tobin,
then prove it.

Do the Tobin handshake.

There is no Tobin handshake.

Correct. That was a
test, and you passed.

I'm Dirtrude, but I
just go by "Dirt."

My God! Legendary long-lost
Tobin family member Aunt Dirt?

Well, Benny Goodman's
blowhole, you found me!

Sorry for calling you commies,
but you can't be too careful.

I'd rather be
apologizing to you here

than bending the knee
to Brezhnev in Moscow,

- if know what I mean.
- Absolutely.

Aunt Dirt, I can't
believe it's really you.

Believe it, buddy boy.
Your dad's big sister.

Dirtrude Gertrude Tobin.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

So is this place,
like, your She Shed

or your murder dungeon?

This is my survival
bunker, doll face.

I've lived here since the
Soviets invaded America.

Wait. When did that happen?

- It did not.
- It did! It was Good Friday,

March 27, 1964,
when the Earth shook

as their tanks rumbled ashore.

I believe you are
actually referring

to the great Alaskan
earthquake of 1964,

during which you disappeared
and were presumed dead.

Better presumed dead than
red, you know what I mean?

Your version of off-the-grid
is off the charts.

It's amazing that you were able

to survive down here
this whole time.

Survive? I thrived, short stack.

I got everything a 25-year-old
woman could ever want

or need in this
baby: Canned beans,

the collected works
of Ray Bradbury,

a 1963 cheesecake calendar
from Skagway Studebaker Sales

and Service for, um... company.

- Is that...
- Yup, the TC-320 Carbonizer,

a world-class urine
filtration system.

- Wow.
- Turns my tinkle

into clean, potable
drinking water

that barely even
tastes like tinkle.

Just a hint, but you want that.

Oh, thank you so much, but I, uh

had tinkle for lunch.

Ooh. Doctor Bojangles'
Energy Crackers.

Ugh! These are awful. Ugh!

And yet, I can't
stop eating them.

These crackers make me
want to start a business.

I'm talking synergy. I'm
talking seed funding.

I'm talking leverage.
I'm still talking.

Judy, uh, it looks like...

Dr. B.'s E.C.'s are
mostly ephedrine,

which is speed, so
maybe don't eat anymore.

Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup.
Yup. Yup. Just this box.

And, hey, Ham, let's
roll some calls.

- Get my boy Greek on the line.
- On it!

Oh, and let's have Kevin
order a bunch of sushi

for when the investors
arrive. Kevin!

Wait. So, Aunt Dirt, if
you came down here in 1964,

does that mean you've
never seen a single movie?

Babe, they had
movies before 1964.

That can't be right.

Well, don't you
worry, Aunt Dirt.

Me and Honeybee
will introduce you

to the magical world
of the moving image.

We can pick out all the
best movies you missed

while you were down
here and catch you up.

The list basically
writes itself.

Number one with a bullet:

The Judi Dench
masterpiece, Nanny Fanny.

What? You're going Nanny Fanny

when Away In A Danger starring
The Rock is out there?

- He humiliated those dumb-ass Wise Men.
- Fair point.

Ooh, and we can't forget

the Look Who's Talking
cinematic universe.

There will be plenty of time
to bring Aunt Dirt up to speed.

Oh, another great movie. Speed!

- I love speed.
- Oh, hell, yeah!

Okay, I'm gonna collect
all of these to burn

while you guys get dressed.

Then let's take Aunt
Dirt to Maude's All Day

for a modern breakfast before
I drop you kids at school.

Aunt Dirt, is it okay if
I stay down here instead?

This place fully rips.

Of course. Make
yourself at home.

Uh, you have school, but
you can come down here

and rip when you get home.

Oh, I almost forgot.

You will not need a gun
at breakfast, Aunt Dirt.

Ha! That's what they'd
like you to think.

Stop playing their
game, sweetie pie.

Cary Grant's anus,

- I forgot my smokes.
- Oh, no, your smokes!

Uh, you can't smoke

in any public spaces
anymore, Aunt Dirt.

- Not even in hospitals?
- Aunt Dirt, you were

in the bunker for 60 years.

A lot's changed in that time.

Shirley Temple's balls! 60?

Wow. I'm over 80 years old.

Hot dog! This is great news!

Daddy can no longer
pressure me to get hitched

and become a
baby-making machine.

How is Daddy, by the way?

- Mm...
- All right.

Yeah, if I'm 80-something,
then, uh... Math.

Thanks for the coffee, sweetie.

- Honk.
- Hey, now!

- Aunt Dirt!
- Sorry. She's from the past.

What's the big deal?
Back in my day,

honking a boob was
basically a handshake.

Oh, it happens. Ma'am, that'll
be a dollar for the honk jar.

Pay the broad.

What's the matter with this one?

I believe he is dreading
going to school.

Ugh. I know how that
is. I hated school.

But cheer up, champ.

You're almost old enough
to work at a factory.

Or if you're lucky, get drafted.

I would kill to be drafted.

Then I could skip
that stupid dance.

The dance? Let me guess... some
hot number turned you down?

Quinn. She didn't even give me
a reason, just a flat-out "no."

Well, she probably has a
reason. Most likely diphtheria.

Huh. Maybe you're right.

Put it on his tab, toots!

Don't forget to ask your chippie
if she's got the dip pie.

Hey, Beef, you think you
could take me by Woolworths?

I want to get a new
FM radio so I can hear

Freddie Frost-Tone's
Alaskan Boogie Minute.

Well, there hasn't
been a Woolworth's here

for about 40 years,

and Freddie
Frost-Tone tragically

and ironically burned
to death in the '90s.

All right, fine.

There's a couple other places
I want to get my peepers on.

But first things first.

Whatever these things
are, they freaking chafe.

- Hi, Quinn.
- Hi, Moon.

Out of curiosity, do
you have diphtheria?

No, but thank you
so much for asking.

Is there a thick grey-white
coating covering the back

of my throat, nose and
tongue that I am unaware of?

Uh, no, I just thought
maybe you said "no"

to going to the dance with me
because you have diphtheria

or some other
bacterial infection.

Oh. No. I turned you down

because I'm going
with someone else.

I see.

Moon! Where are you going?

It's BLT day in the cafeteria!

The hell is this crap?!
They put in a mall?!

What is this... Paris? Where is
Johnny Tiny's burlesque hall?

Johnny Tiny's was
torn down 20 years ago

after a bunch of dancers
fell off the silver moon

they descended from
the ceiling on.

What a waste of legs.

A left up here. Get
ready, Beef. You're about

to have the best egg cream
you've ever tasted in...

Oh, my God. I'm in hell.

I live in hell now.

Please, just take me to
my friend Melinda's house.

I need to see a friendly face.

Melinda's house is...
this frigging crap?

I'm sorry, Dirtrude.

Just take me back
to the bunker.

What in Richard Burton's
butt crack? It's locked!

Sorry! Occupied!

Moon, I need you
to open the door,

and more importantly,

- return to school.
- Oh. No, thank you, Father.

The second I open this door,

someone could rush in
and utterly reject me

in favor of some
above-ground-boy.

Ah. I see. I take it Quinn
doesn't have diphtheria?

She doesn't even have cholera!

Well, I'm sorry your friend
is in excellent health.

I really don't love the
notion of one of my kids

being in a hole in the
ground all alone, but

if this is what you need,
I guess I'll allow it.

But keep the walkie on.

Roger that, but if the batteries
die, I'm not changing them.

All right. Care to come up
with me to the main house?

I can make us some lunch.
Maybe some Hot Pockets?

- Hot Pockets?!
- You know what?

Let's just head in, and
I'll show you what I mean.

Mmm. Now what do you call

that contraption you cooked
it in again? Lenin's lunchbox?

Close. A microwave.

Now, if you like Hot Pockets,

there are many more
culinary innovations

I can introduce you to.

Let me start by asking
you to imagine this.

What if a hamburger
could help you?

I would ask, what's in
it for the hamburger?

Nothing's free in
this world, son.

Aunt Dirt, since you're locked
out of your bunker for now,

maybe we can all help ease
you into modern living.

Ooh, yes, I'd love to do a
feminist history presentation,

catch you up on that.

I'm gonna call it
my "Judy X Talk,"

and I will be wearing
a black turtleneck

and walking back and forth

and steepling my
fingers a lot like this.

- No, thank you.
- And how about

we get you going on that
movie catch-up tonight?

Yeah! We can start with a
double feature of two classics:

Scorsese's Mean Streets and
Adam Sandler's Hubie Halloween.

Aunt Dirt, it's
Moon. Do you copy?

Go for Dirtrude.

I'm in the mood
for a little music.

Which of your 45s
do you recommend?

Well, I was always partial to
"The Atom Bomb Dance-along."

Or if you really want to boogie,
I'd put on "The Polio Pounce."

♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo,
doo-doo, doo-doo ♪

♪ Get out your iron lung,
the dance has begun ♪

♪ Now we're doin' the
Polio Pounce! Whoo! ♪

Knock, knock. It's
time for school.

No can do, big man.

What if I told you, after
school we're taking Aunt Dirt

to the paint-ball place in
Whippleton, Splattletons?

I'd say that having felt
the sting of the paintball

called "romantic rejection,"
I care to play no more.

Ugh. Fine, Moon. One more day.

All right, son, your
bunker pass is revoked,

but your pancake pass
just came through.

I wish I could
eat pancakes, Dad,

but having burned my tongue

on the bitter
syrup of rejection,

I prefer the taste of nothing

- and the company of no one.
- Hmm.

Care to dance?

Okay, I'll bite, Natalie.

What do you call a mop in space?

Oh, my God, you are so funny.

A vacuum cleaner.

Are you expecting someone?

- Go away!
- I will not.

Moon, it's been four days.

- I need you to come out.
- Ha! Days mean nothing.

They're an invention of
the greeting card industry.

Listen, we're heading to the
mall, and I can't believe

I'm saying this, but
if you'll get out

of this damned hole in the
ground and come with us, I'll...

I'll buy you the RS470
Vapor Crossbow Package.

What on Earth would I do with
a crossbow in here, Father?

Are you joking?
You've been begging me

for the RS470 every
single day for two years.

I was so naive, but now my eyes
are open wider than Natalie's.

Who is Natalie?

Dad, I'm not coming
out for the crossbow.

Or for anything. I'm
more bunker than boy now.

I'm staying in here forever!

- Can't sleep, you big galoot?
- Nope.

- You?
- Nope. Keep calling old friends

to catch up, and finding out
they died 20 years ago. LOL.

Am I using that
right? "Lots Of Loss"?

Anyway, what's
Mel-ing your Tormé?

I'm just worried about Moon.

He's gone off the grid
before, but never like this.

You never wanted to take a
powder from the world for a bit?

Of course, I love taking a
powder, but where does it end?

Yeah. Lucky for me, prom
happened before I checked out.

Best night of my life.

My friend Melinda snuck
in a flask of mint juleps,

and we spent the whole
night dancing to Mary Wells

before we barfed beneath the
northern lights together.

Sounds like a
pretty groovy time.

It was absolutely boss.

All right, enough is enough.

Moon is going to his
Lil' Prommers Prom Prep.

For Lil' Preppers Practice Prom

if I have to dig through
the Earth's crust

and come up through the
bunker floor to get him out.

Well, you don't
have to go that far.

Don't tell the Russkies,

but one of the bunker walls
is just straight up plywood.

Kind of ran out of
bunker cash at the end.

All you got to do is
dig down a couple feet,

give it a swift kick.

What in the actual hell?

Moon, the Lil'
Prommers Prom Prep.

For Lil' Preppers Practice
Prom is in 12 hours,

and you're gonna be there.

- Hard pass.
- Enough!

I will not have you wasting
your life buried in some tomb.

- Okay, rude.
- Nice try, boomer!

Where did he...?

Where did my son go?!

Uh, well, I guess he
discovered the back-up bunker.

The bunker has a back-up bunker?

- And you didn't tell me?
- My bad.

You ever hear that one
before, Beef? "My bad"?

It's just one of the
fun bits of slang

I've picked up this
week, and I love it.

It really sings. "My bad!"

Moon, please, you can't
just live in a hole

in a hole in the ground.

I can as long as
someone regularly

dribbles some beans
down the air vent.

- Technically, that's true.
- Son, I get it.

Your Aunt Dirt's return
has made me realize

that we Tobins have a
natural bunker mentality.

But your aunt and I have not
set the best example for you.

What?! I'm incredible.

- Agreed!
- Think of all the things

you'd miss if you really
stayed in here, Moon.

I mean, the sound of your boots

crunching over
freshly-fallen August snow,

or that first sip of
coffee as the sun rises.

What about Deal or No Deal?

You love to watch
Howie make a deal.

Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, Dad!

Aunt Dirt lived without those
things, and she's perfect.

I'm gonna be just like her.

Ugh. Moon, listen.

I understand exactly
how you feel.

Sometimes it feels like
the whole world's one big,

scary communist trying to
violently invade Alaska

and make your secret girlfriend
Melinda break up with you

so she can marry Frank, the
Molasses King of Wasilla.

That's not exactly how I feel.

Wait. Melinda? From the
prom and the barfing?

- That's why you went in here.
- Well, the, uh...

It was mostly the Soviets, but,
yeah, yeah, also a little bit

the secret girlfriend
marrying Frank thing.

So, you got rejected, too?

Oh, big time. When those Russian
tanks rolled out of the sea...

- It was an earthquake.
- Well, that was the morning

I got the news that Melinda
went ahead and married Frank.

I know how that feels. Quinn
didn't just say "no" to me.

She's going with someone else.

My only choice was to
come in the bunker.

Just like you, Aunt Dirt.

Well, now, a few days ago, I
would have agreed with you.

But since you guys coaxed
me out of my hidey-hole,

I've realized how much
I've missed out on.

Like Toaster Strudel.

And pornography
that moves around.

And things getting
better for gals like me.

- All equally amazing developments.
- Hmm.

So, yeah, I get you
want to be like me,

because I'm basically
Vince from that movie

I watched this morning...
Entourage: The Movie.

But, Moon, don't be
like this part of me.

I realize you can't see me,

but I am gesturing to
the bunker right now.

But what if I never
get over my heartbreak?

Did you ever get over yours?

I think so. I'm
actually thinking

I'm gonna ask out that
spicy waitress at the diner.

You guys made a fuss, but she
was eye-honking me right back.

And it might not have
worked out with Quinn,

but you could meet another
hotsy-totsy at a sock hop

or a clambake or
a Beatles concert.

Boy, I'd love to
see my favorites,

- John and George, again.
- Oh, boy.

- What?
- Nothing. Uh...

Uh, Aunt Dirt's right, Moon.

Your life's gonna
be pretty good.

Be a shame if you missed it.

I am willing to give
society one more chance,

if Aunt Dirt will
honor one request.

Shoot your shot, play a.

Oh, is that not a real
slang? Did Honeybee trick me?

Incredible. NASA figured out how

to make spoons
out of chips, huh?

Wait till Ham hears about this.

I think Ham knows about
Tostitos Scoops, Aunt Dirt.

Hi, Moon. Nice to see
you this fine evening.

Hello, Quinn. Where's your date?

I'm prepared to shake his hand.

Moon, this is my date...
David. David, Moon.

You turned me down for a
pot-bellied pig in a vest?

He also had little pants,
but he pooped them.

- And then ate them.
- I see.

And I... turned you down
because this is a practice prom

so I wanted to bring
a practice date.

Besides, David loves to dance.

Oh. In that case,
mind if I cut in?

My dance card's been
empty for years.

Care to, uh, dance?

Have you seen this? The iPod
Nano? Look how small it is.

Guess how many
songs it can hold?

- A hundred billion.
- Pretty much.

Wow. What'll they think of next?

I guess I'll find out, huh?

You can keep bringing cool
stuff down to the bunker

for me to see, because
the hatch is always open.

Literally, thanks
to your father.

Okay, all the locks are
off all the hatch doors.

Unless there's a hatch within
the hatch within the hatch?

- Nope, that's it.
- I just hope

no commies break in in
the middle of the night.

Okay, Lenny Bruce,
that's not funny.

Don't even joke about that.

I mean, if you want
to joke around,

at least tell a real one. Like,

why didn't the lifeguard
save the hippie?

'Cause he was too far out, man.

Ya got to help me, Doc.

I just feel so dang
tired all the time.

Here, Billy, try one of these
Dr. Bojangles Energy Crackers.

♪ When you're feeling
kinda sluggish ♪

♪ Not so very ruggish
and you pray ♪

♪ The day will simply go away ♪

♪ Have yourself
a Dr. Bojangles ♪

♪ The cracker with
all the angles ♪

♪ Which nine million
out of ten doctors ♪

♪ Prescribe today! ♪

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