All language subtitles for The Scotts s03e05.eng

Henry, we've had a million Friday nights
and I want to start actually doing

stuff together.

I always say not to Laura's wee ideas.

And they want her. James Martin live!

But I could be a wee bit more open
-minded.

Vincent, what's wrong?

I'm... dying.

Again? He said I've got fatty liver.

Get yourself a fat couch and personally
train me. We've not had a fight like

this for a long time. Ma!

What is it?

I've stole this dress!

Vincent's going too deep with this
fitness kick, Laura.

Yeah, I think it's great he's making
positive health changes.

No, you're not getting this.

I like to make love at midnight.

I know.

We shared a villa in Majorca.

Well, Vincent says that that can't
happen now because it messes with the

his wearable sleep tracker.

I think this is good for Vincent.

It's not.

After all these years, Vince and I
finally get ourselves in an amazing

And he's ruining it.

You want to be finished?

Soon. It's never good to interrupt him
during it.

He gets very immersed.

What's it called again?

Be our body pump.

Whoa!

Here, listen, I was wondering, if I was
just a stranger who walked in here off

the street, what would you recommend?

Will we give her the patter?

Mrs Scott, it amazes me to hear that
you've never done modelling before.

I know, right?

Hayley, describe those lips, because I
wouldn't be allowed.

Luscious. And describe the jawline,
because if I speak, I am in trouble.

Natched. Not a thing needs done.

Send her on her way, I say.

Agreed, agreed.

However, if you did want all the Ryan
Reynolds of the world to want you as

own personal wrecksome... Hmm?

Laura, are you thinking of getting
something done?

No. I mean,

maybe.

Why not?

New things, new adventures, right?

I don't want to be... Waiting around for
this empty nest thing to hit me. You

know, I want to be driving things,
thinking bigger.

Well, listen, I could definitely improve
stuff on this wee fixer -upper here.

But don't tell Henry I said that.

Oh, God, no. Let's not mention this wee
consultation to Henry at all. Never.

You know what he'd like.

But can I have a brochure?

Yes.

But listen,

Henry can never be this, all right? Oh,
not a chance.

Oh, here I'm forgetting why I dropped
in.

Yours and Bonnie's character card.

Oh, hi, hi, hi, hi. Character card?

Mm -hm, for my murder mystery night.

This is how I live life now.

I don't just have people over. I throw
parties, and I am throwing a murder

mystery party!

An invitation to dinner, but who will be
murdered?

Every dinner Laura makes is murder.

I'm the unthinkable Molly McGarvey.

I survived the Titanic, but that's not
true.

I was emotionally destroyed at the end
yet.

Oh, love this role.

You know, the great Mr. Jeremy Strong
from Succession is my spirit animal.

I might go full message with this one.

I am a woman whose marriage was
destroyed when her husband couldn't pull

out of a midlife crisis.

And now I shall read from my character
card.

I managed to get that one.

Luck of the draw.

I'm the brilliant scientist, Professor
Albert Eissentine.

No, sorry.

Eissentine.

Eissentine. I hope you don't start
getting typecast as a genius.

Baron von... Oh, for s***.

Tell me we don't have to wear costumes.

And, eh, the nappy stations get
everything labelled.

I don't think I need labels.

Oh, the labels are not for you.

They're for Professor Einstein there.

CBB's on for the way, they say.

Aye. This Iggle Piggle is somebody, by
the way.

OK. Thanks for doing this, Adam.

My ma just refuses to help it.

Her wayne, she can watch it. The next
nappy I want to see getting changed will

be my own one.

Can I, um, use the kitchen?

Make dinner for your wee girlfriend?

Yeah. I'm babysitting my wee cousin with
Sophie.

It'll be nice to get some alone time
away from our flatmates.

Just us.

You's got to be pumping. Colette?

No, no, it's fine if you are.

It word to the wise.

Keep the noise, Jim.

That asshole next door apparently hates
hearing a woman enjoy herself.

Two women.

You'll fod the polis.

Aye, you won't.

My name is Chives.

I will be your butler this evening.

Thank you all for coming to our party.

Chives and I have arranged a wonderful
evening of mystery and secrets.

So let's all just enjoy.

I mean,

we're trying with Adesha Kertz and I
gave my scabby queen.

Please now make your introductions to
each of the guests.

My name is the esteemed professor.

Albert Frankenstein.

Eisenstein. I see you've invented
sleeves for your clothes, Professor.

A miracle in itself.

My name is Baron von Winkledinger.

You know, I've always thought you looked
like a Winkledinger. And I've just

realised he's going to be doing an
accent all night.

Are you, Vincent?

Oh, yeah, baby.

My name is Arizona Buffalo.

And my catchphrase... It's your bullet.

And I'm going to whip all you guys in a
shape.

Well, you'd know all about that, all
this exercise you've been doing.

Cheers to that.

Laura's supposed to be on my side.

Oh, I'm really sorry.

Hi.

Yeah.

Hey.

Mate.

Listen, I hope nobody was planning on
drinking that ginger, because let me

you something.

You blew it.

Bonnie, you're up.

Betty the scullery maid.

I don't even have a surname.

How exactly were these roles decided,
Laurel?

Completely random, sir.

Oh, so completely randomly, your mum
gets to dress like a glamorous showgirl.

Lucky me.

Whilst I sit in a shapeless big...
Granny puffed with the suggestion that I

am submissive to my betters.

There's no room in here for that.

Thanks, Laura.

Thanks.

Ma? Oh, God, then do I have to do an
accent?

My name is Naughty Sally Spoon.

Naughty. Henry will no be saying naughty
that later on the night.

I bet she's been practising the accent
for weeks.

No.

Here's your egg, fried tomato, and a
black pudding.

Pudding. Pudding.

I love the idea of being a naughty
flapper girl.

Hopefully nobody asked me to dance.

I suppose since I'm a flapper, I should
probably do that dance that they do,

whatever it's called.

Don't anyone ask me to do?

Oh, right then!

I can't even remember what the name of
it is, is it? Is it the Charleston?

Charleston Heston, mer -like.

Well, I'm the unthinkable Molly
McGarvey. Did they nor put enough bricks

the bag when they flung you into the
canal?

Listen, I'll boot you in the ham hock,
Baron Von Bightman banger.

Oh, no, sorry, absolutely not.

What? This family has done parties this
way for years.

What, why?

It starts with banter and then slaggings
and then someone takes it too far and

Vincent has an emotional breakdown.

No, we are trying something different
this time, all right?

We're going to have a family party that
doesn't end in a screaming match.

Let's be realistic.

We're going to have some nice family fun
and murder someone!

And there's to be no eye -rolling at one
of Laura's parties.

I will keep my eyes.

Perfectly different.

I think Ronnie hates me tonight.

Baby sleeping.

Delicious.

And I love this house. Everything's so
sparkly.

It's like being at the shows.

That's mine, Colette.

It's not how I decorate a house, but...
This is nice, eh?

Nae flatmates, nae drama.

Just us.

When you live in a student flat, there's
always other people about.

My mum and dad are worried about an
empty nest.

I'd kill for an empty nest.

Just you and me watching the telly.

Like an old married couple.

Kissing and cuddling on the couch.

Kissing and cuddling.

What's that smell?

Who's eating a pot noodle?

Oh, what is she doing here?

It's there in your moment.

That's what happens then.

I made an excuse to go to the toilet,
and then... Help! Help! Don't see the

done!

Here we go!

Here we go!

No! No, Colette!

Oh, God!

Who could have done this?

Wasn't even acting.

Everyone, please, examine the crime
scene closely for clues.

I can't believe you did.

I know, it's sad.

Can you get a pillow for my head?

Ah, exactly what a murderer would do.

Place a cushion under the victim's napa.

Maybe I should go get a brush and creep
around the body like a scullery maid in

a big, shapeless frock. What do you
think, Laura?

I don't like this.

It's made me think about you actually
being dead.

We'll find my killer then.

And remember, it's just kid on, like the
wrestling.

Wait.

The wrestling's kid on?

There will now come in a round of
interrogations.

Shh, shh, shh.

See the last line fillers in here? Do
they actually work? Oh, absolutely.

You look like you have me left a day in
your life.

Okay.

Sign me up.

You hide that artifact, baby.

Make sure that the Nazis don't find it.

He's like an athlete now.

Why are you whispering?

And why was he studying your face?

Did you get done?

No!

Frown for me.

Shh!

No Botox.

But I am tempted. I did have a wee
consultation, so... Ladies?

But for God's sake, don't say anything
to Henry.

He's like an athlete now.

She knows how miserable he's making me.

Oh, cheer up. It's a party.

You try living with the Scottish Wim
Hof.

Aye. Wim Hof, I blame.

At least you knew Darren was a gym bore
when you met him.

Aye. I'll bore a hole in your napper
with the Hilla Molly shoe.

Stop spoiling, Laura's party.

This party is the Titanic, darling.

So, ask insightful questions and try to
solve the crime.

Sir?

I have, like, no idea who it is.

Okay.

Insightful questions.

Baron, did you murder Molly?

Do you think I'm just going to go, aye,
and that's the game done?

Maybe. You have to get there by a
process of elimination, Darren.

I'm not a real scientist, Laura.

Betty, your turn, sir.

Why do you keep saying sir all the time?
That's not a butler thing.

Before I was a butler, I was in the
army.

Fritz did a number on me in Belgium.

Left me with a dicky lung.

A nice lawyer legend.

Oh, Vincent, one of my friends shared a
Facebook memory today of her doing Tough

Mudder, and I thought Vincent should do
that.

Maybe you and Henry could... No.

I get it.

Laura wants to transform herself to mask
the pain of a looming empty nest. And

she finds the kindred spirit in the king
of Transformers himself, Optimus Prick.

Well, not at my expense.

Forgive me, kind ladies and gentlemen,
but I must speak my truth as God is my

witness. Bonnie, that voice is amazing.

Sounds like the voice of a stone -cold
killer to me.

Stone -cold Jane Austen.

As a member of the serving class, it
pains me to speak when not spoken to.

But I can hold my tongue no longer.

Oh!

Apologies, Mum.

It's my chronic TB.

Much like the great Brad Pitt, I feel
compelled to fill my mouth with food

whenever I act.

Have you noticed how Miss Spoons keeps
buttering Mr.

Buffalo up?

You're amazing, Mr.

Buffalo, she says.

Paying no heed to her good friend Betty,
who says she's at the end of a bleeding

tether.

What? She ain't being a good friend.

And a bad friend is capable of anything.

We'll see what naughty Sally Spoons has
to say about that.

Maybe you ought to watch your damn
mouth, sweetheart.

Maybe if Betty butted Mr. Buffalo up
once in a while, I wouldn't have to.

Maybe Miss Spoon should wind a bleeding
nicey -nicey neck in before someone

rings it.

Maybe Betty has a real high and mighty
opinion of herself despite her low

station. Maybe Miss Spoon should
explain.

So, who did you say is the murderer?

Doesn't feel as nice to think the
Titanic as I thought it would.

Is that one of Vincent's brochure?

You're dead, ma 'am. You can't... Shut
up, ma 'am.

I'm a ghost that loves the drama.

When I popped into Vincent's surgery the
other day, I... We had an impromptu

chat about my face.

It was no big deal.

You blew it.

No big deal.

Bonnie, you have been a brat tonight.

A brat?

I didn't want you to make a big thing
out of it, Henry.

Me? Yeah, you would have been all like,
why would you touch that lovely face?

You're so...

Beautiful. You're already perfect and
gorgeous as it is, Laura. Aye, all

Ora. Well, send me to jail for thinking
my wife's a stunner.

I'm not making a big deal.

Did you suggest that Laura needed to
change her face in any way whatsoever?

Exactly the type of fighting that I did
not want at my party. Thank you, Bonnie.

Look, I just said what I always say,
right?

Every woman over the age of 22... 22?

Don't a minute.

What? Were there any wounds on Molly's
body?

Aw, you still playing the game.

Well, at least someone is.

Now wounds on the body, sir.

Can we get back to games and get on
secrets?

No. Real secrets are more fun.

And here's another one.

Vincent, all your fitness crap.

What, you hate it?

That's no secret.

It's made you an unrecognisable bore!

I hate this stranger who is sleeping in
my bed right now!

There's a stranger in your bed?

You meant Vincent.

I'll keep solving the murder.

You're not a bad wee cook hen.

You're going to get that from your
mammy.

So what are yous doing in here?

Babysitting on a Saturday night?

We're just helping out Auntie Colette.

My hole.

They're playing at houses.

Erin is playing mammies and daddies.

Or should that be mammies and mammies,
as it were?

Did you think I was doing a trial run
for domestic life?

See, when I said this was news.

You weren't thinking that I was actually
wanting to, like... Oh, my God.

You lasses should be up there dancing
this weekend.

So,

but I can look after the rain for one
night.

Are you sure about this, Gran?

Absolutely.

No plane who says for you two.

Thanks, Mrs Scott.

Oh, Uber's here.

Thanks, Gran.

Hey.

And which the story be you,

Boyd?

You want a secret, Vonnie?

Well, all Arizona Buffalo's got a doozy.

I'm dying.

What? I'm dying.

Well, I'm no dying.

Why would you say that then?

Not any mere, not any mere, right, but I
was dying.

When? Back when I began all this fitness
stuff.

That was where I started.

I mean, I wasn't dying, dying.

For Christ's sake.

I've got a condition, right? I've got a
condition that can lead to death.

Which rang with you?

I've got a fatty liver.

A fatty liver?

What?

Fatty liver.

F -A -T -T -Y.

Fatty liver.

What in God's name is a fatty liver?
It's a liver condition, but actually

an insensitive name. Are you okay,
Vincent?

You see?

Care and compassion.

See, my brother's wife.

Don't you worry, Vonnie. Don't you
worry.

I'm going to be just swell.

I'm going to be just... Because of this
obsession that's ruining all your fun.

Well, you didn't tell me, for that is
really unfair.

Do you know what I think? What?

If there's no wounds in the body, Molly
might have been poisoned.

Oh.

Fatty liver.

I'd understand if you'd say you had a
fatty arse.

You wife stole body shame in my arse,
Henry.

Why didn't you tell me?

I don't know how that heat of his works,
but I know that whatever's going on in

there, he'll be thinking about me.

Am I so monstrous that you can't even
share a health scare with me?

You did call this party the Titanic.

And yourself an iceberg earlier, so...
Oh, my God.

I am an iceberg.

Cold.

Unfeeling.

Enormously impactful.

I'm away to play Dede again.

Well... A wee lesson for us all the
night, I'd say.

What lesson's that?

That is where secrets get you.

First rule of life, don't keep secrets
for your family.

Shut up, man.

I mean, what is a family but a load of
secrets that can live with each other?

When I was struggling, you's all told me
no to keep things bottled up.

So let the secrets out, I say.

All right, well, I've got one I've been
keeping inside.

Oh, my God, I've got one.

I've been offered a job.

Dancing.

London. Michael rang me.

Michael Ball.

Vonnie! I am so angry with you right
now, but that's amazing! Are you so

excited? No, I'm furious.

I'm not taking it.

No. No way.

Get out!

I thought that... Where were they when
everything was shit?

Why do they have to wait till I've got
my school and we've fallen in love

I saw that anger recently.

It was never really about me.

No, it was mostly about you.

Right. But it was never about Laura.

Look how excited you got for me there.

I'm sorry.

I've been a brat.

So?

What's your secret, Laura?

May I ask what it is you're doing, sir?

I've invented an antidote.

She's no deed.

She's just in a coma.

Or my name is the Professor Frank and
Albert Steiner.

Quite brilliant, sir.

Professor, you saved my life.

No. It was all you.

Too strong to die.

Unsinkable.

But no unpumpable.

Ta -da!

I'm alive.

The Professor created an antidote.

Maybe it's not time for my secret just
now. Nobody's even figured out who the

murderer is.

You're the murderer, Laura.

You're the murderer.

What?

You all knew.

The whole time.

Can read you like the gruffalo hen.

Oh.

All right.

Well, here it is.

I don't want to live in this house
anymore.

Okay, um, I've got a horse needs
feeding. I think I'll mosey along.

Terrible case of the consumption to dial
back at the manor.

You, um,

don't want to live here anymore?

I go into Erin's bedroom and she's not
here now and I hate it and I'm going to

hate going into Jason's bedroom when he
goes to.

I just, I think it would be good for us
to go somewhere new.

I'm out on a walk.

that these haunts have put into making
this house nice for you. But we are

sentimental and nostalgic, Henry, and
this place will keep us longing for the

past. I put my heart into this place.

So did I.

But this place should be full of love
and noise and kids running around.

This should never be a quiet house.

I know I've never been good at showing
my love with romance or spontaneity

or...

Fancy sex positions.

How I show my love is with skirting
boards and kitchen units and paint.

I show my love with slabs and plaster
and coats of varnish and dowels and

decking and dwangs.

I show my love with dado rails.

This is the most emotional B &Q advert
I've ever seen.

It's no Vincent having the break down
the night, is it?

This house is my love.

For you.

This house is me.

Every part of it.

Sorry for doing a shite near Laron
Henry.

Not the time, Molly.

That was no thinkable either.

You wanted to know my secret.

I mean, I've been trying new things for
you, Laura.

I know you have.

I got a tattoo.

I've had my face... facialed.

No, I'm...

Deen my nut dresses.

Baron Vaughan.

Winkle. Dinger.

All for you.

But I'm not moving for this horse,
Laura.

That's too much.

What are dwangs?

Everything's changing too fast.

A different house now.

I don't see any standards.

Ian Beale has been in that same house
for about 30 years.

I want to be Ian Beale.

Hot chocolate sack.

Oh,

cute.

God, it goes so fast.

This maca -paca is affy's heat.

You start thinking about this charity
night. Come on, get your past empty ten.

Michael Ball phoned me with a huge
opportunity.

It's not an offer, Vincent.

It's an audition.

Show them that you've still got it. Then
tell them to stick.

Jason's moving all of these weird wee
men out of the house.

I'm lifting it higher.

It actually feels real.

What are you doing?

Henry and Laura, part two.

Five stars on the poster.

I took the job.

Vincent says no.

Wee Vincent says no.

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