All language subtitles for Granny.Nanny.2020.720p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX].eng

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

GRANNY NANNY

In ads, pensioners
are always cheerful and bold.

The golden generation.
The silver surfers.

We travel, love adventure
and enjoy our freedom.

We're slim, agile and well-dressed.

We dance and party
like there's no tomorrow

and give our lives the thumbs up.

But reality is rather different.

"Reality is not gold or silver,
but beige."

Is it time for a change, or has
the train already left the station?

Can you still start afresh
when you're nearing your 70s?"

What do you think?

No, no, no!

What are you doing? Get off it!

-This is so cool!
-There are rotating blades inside.

If you stick your foot in there,
then you might break them!

-That was fun, huh?
-Hey!

Aren't you meant to be supervising?
Aren't you her guardian?

I'm her shmardian.
If you don't reach the tree

by the count of three,
you'll get a spanking. One, two...

-That's not a climbing tree!
-Three!

I let her to do everything
her hysterical parents don't.

-Until we have to call an ambulance.
-Chicken!

He got all the bourgeois genes.

All that was left for me
was confetti.

Well, that's what he's like.

She's really sweet.
And today's your last day?

Yes, they're moving away, but...

I've already got
my next grandchild lined up.

Here. Leonie.

Hurray! Again!

See?

Any news on New Zealand?
When are you going?

Soon. Harald is taking care
of it all. I can't wait.

And, in you go!

-Here. There's more, too.
-And you thought I came to see you.

-That never even crossed our minds.
-Go back to your railroad.

-It's a locomotive.
-Bye.

"Railroad"
is the transportation system.

Boring!

-Bye!
-Bye, Lilly.

-Your sister's still got it.
-She's exhausting. Retirement? As if!

Imagine we'd look after a kid, too?

No. If I wanted to hear the tapping
of small footsteps, I'd get a dog.

-Shall we get a dog?
-No! Why would we want to get a dog?

Good morning.

Doctor, I'm so sorry I'm late.

Thank you.

Where's your dog?

He passed away last night.

-Was he sick?
-He died of boredom.

It's the newest trend in Asia.

Suicide by barbecue.

You seal off the room, burn charcoal
and die of carbon monoxide poisoning.

Exhaust fumes are too clean now,
pills no longer pack a punch

and being run over by a train
is too nasty.

Spare me your judgment.
You're the ones who started dying.

Hey, I took excellent care of him
for two years.

I'll put a bow on him.

Right, we definitely need
a neck pillow, thick socks,

sunglasses and a flashlight.

-Says who?
-Well, the travel guide.

Oh, that.
That's not happening.

But...

You said you were
going to organize it.

I thought we'd be
flying out there soon.

I think we got a bit carried away
with that New Zealand idea.

I like traveling,
but to the other end of the world?

Plus, it's extremely expensive.

We can buy two stair lifts
with that money.

I don't want a stair lift.

Well, not yet.
But don't you worry about the future?

About old-age poverty?

Want to end up living your last days
in a trailer like Philippa?

If I were to choose
between three weeks in New Zealand

-and a year in a nursing home...
-You'd choose the home?

No, but I don't want
to pay thousands of Euros

to spend four days
sitting on a plane.

We do nothing
but sit around all day anyway!

-We have to do something!
-We can. Right here.

Did you hear about those flies
they have in New Zealand?

Like mosquitoes, but meaner.
"Sand flies."

And that's why
you don't want to go to New Zealand?

Mecklenburg also has mosquitoes.

I really like our lives here.

We've got everything we need.

Yes, peace and quiet
and more peace and quiet.

You're starting
to sound like Philippa.

-At least she keeps herself busy.
-She and her grandchild agency.

-Maybe I should do it, too.
-Go ahead.

-Are you serious?
-You don't think I can do it?

Nonsense!
If you want to do something,

then check out
the seniors' courses at the college.

That would be something for you.

You could do a course in philosophy
or Byzantine art history.

So you think I can't do it?

Well, you don't have any experience
with kids and you're no longer...

a spring chicken.

I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself.

I don't need a stair lift yet.

It's not as much
about gaps in child care,

but rather for educational
and psychosocial reasons.

Being in contact with representatives
of the grandparents' age

is essential
for the maturing process.

Exactly. We've already
discussed it with Leonie.

We like to actively involve her
in all decision-making processes.

Can we play now?

Let us finish first.

We've written down
the most important things.

The main thing is: no peanuts.

And, of course: no sugar, trans fat,

artificial preservatives
or dyestuffs.

Outside only with a sun hat,
and, preferably, no direct sun.

And she's allowed to climb
a maximum height of 1.5 meters,

seeing as she's not so...

Let's make that one meter.

She's always got
an emergency backpack.

It contains band-aids,
and, if things get really bad,

there's also Arnica Globuli,
plus healthy snacks

a water bottle, a whistle and
we've sewn in a GPS tracking device.

Yes, and I'll show you
the tracking app later.

And, just as a reminder,
the evil peanut.

So you don't have any grandchildren?

Yes, but I worked
as a pre-school teacher for 30 years.

-Well, that's...
-Cool.

We thought it might be good...

to get to know each other by playing.

We could build something together.
Leonie.

That's the spelt pretzels.

-Tobi, scrape the salt off hers.
-Yep.

You're it.

Like this.

Never, ever forget that.

Gerhard?

-Gerhard!
-Karin?

I don't believe it!

What are you doing here?
Are you looking for a trash can?

No. This is...

It's a long story.

Our dog was cremated today.
These are the ashes.

Oh, my. Little...
What was his name? Aristide?

He died ages ago.
This is Achilles, his successor.

I didn't want to get him a corny urn.
Wasn't his style.

And shrimp and chicken
was his favorite.

I just wanted to scatter him
on my husband's patch.

Oh! Does Ralf have a garden now?

Yes.

But it's rather small.
He's buried here.

Oh, God! I'm so sorry, Gerhard.
I didn't know.

It's okay. How could you?

-I'm so sorry.
-It's been two years now.

But as long as you still
think of him, he's not really dead.

Well, yes, he is.
You should've seen his corpse.

-And what are you doing here?
-I'm on my way to...

Want to walk with me?
Then we could talk some more.

I'm a bit out of practice.

I only talk with my dog
and I don't get much of a response.

Not even before.

Come with me.

-Hello, Philippa.
-Hey.

-Do you remember Gerhard?
-Of course I do.

-You met at...
-Your 50th birthday party.

The stuck-up gay internist.

And you're that talentless mime.

That's what I love about being old.
You can finally speak the truth.

Are you here looking for a godchild?

Thanks, but I already run
an SOS Children's Village.

-We met by chance.
-I'll go now.

No. We weren't quite done yet.

Please wait, or we won't see
each other for another ten years.

Okay.

-Hey, are you stupid or something?
-I'm so sorry.

-Shit!
-I'm sorry.

What is that?

My dog. Well, it was my dog.

I cremated him.

Not me personally.
Move along now.

So, this is Jannik.

His parents
really liked your profile.

Jannik made a drawing for you,

showing what he imagines
it will be like with you.

Who am I in here?

The one in the canon.
He's shooting you out of it.

-Excuse me.
-We're in a meeting.

It'll just be a moment.

The questionnaire here
only mentions grandmothers.

I'm looking for a grandfather.

Grandfathers are in short supply.
Men of that age have other interests.

What about that man out there?

No, no, no!

You can't just put dirt in it.
There's gum in there.

Look. What a mess.

Please, go play somewhere else.

Are they baking sand cakes?

Sorry, but I have no idea who he is.

-He accompanied me here.
-And he's great with kids.

Can't you see?

Children love him.

Plus, he's a doctor.

A doctor?

Was that your horror clown
sister-in-law's idea?

Think it over. Yours goes
to the same school as mine.

He's not "mine".
I don't care. I have to go.

You must have
a lot of time on your hands.

Perhaps, but I'll leave that
to the grannies with helper syndrome.

I think hanging out with that boy
will do you good.

That's silly sentimentalism.
I'm fine on my own.

Are you sure?

Russians, huh?

All Russians are prejudiced
against gays.

Just give it a try. Or you'll never
know what it would've been like.

Because we don't have children,
and you regret that as you get older.

Sometimes you just
have to rise above yourself.

-Whom are we talking about?
-It's completely non-binding.

If you don't like it,
then you can just back out.

-Sure, a museum visit, ice cream...
-For example.

I was being sarcastic.

Sure, "Just for one day,"
but then you're emotionally involved.

And you feel bad
about returning him to the shelter.

I won't do it.

-Then you go tell him.
-Me? Why me?

Why should I be the one to tell them?

This way?

Here. Give it a go.

This is interesting.

Did you know
that recorders were replaced

by flutes in orchestras
in the 18th century?

-Did you?
-Yes.

I used to play the alto recorder.
It was huge.

I could show you it.

Or not.

So... Vanilla or strawberry?

-It's way too much.
-Then throw the rest away.

Mom says you shouldn't waste food.

-Just take it.
-Hey. Is that your grandfather?

-No.
-Excuse me?

We were talking to the boy.

Do you know this man?

Well, not really. We're still
getting to know each other.

Where are your parents?

Would you please just leave us alone?

I'm his god... thingie.

-Let's go.
-Stop right there.

-Where do you think you're going?
-Well...

-Did you just take a photo of me?
-He's going to show me his flute.

-He wants to show you what?
-His old flute. Right?

He's got a huge one.

It's lovely here.

Reminds me of Chernobyl.

Only thing missing are wolves
and Russian separatists.

-Do you have a wet wipe?
-Let's go sort this out first.

I'll get it!

Hello!
Pleasure to meet you. I'm Britt.

-Karin.
-So glad you could make it.

This is Jannik.
Let's go get him an ice pack.

Say "hello".

Come in. Just keep your shoes on.

I'm so grateful you're here.

I could drop down
on my knees for you.

We tried an au pair,

but Inés and Jannik just clashed.

Well, not psychologically,
but literally.

She never returned
after the hospital.

-Could you open this?
-Hey! Excuse me.

I work on fairs,
so I'm often away for days.

Evenings, several days,
and then managing all this...

But don't worry,
you won't be our all purpose tool.

-Thanks.
-Join me on the trampoline?

Yes, but that stays here, dear.

-He's lively.
-Lively.

That's like calling
a pigheaded person "opinionated".

I'm okay.

Hi. Bye.

This is Merle. Jannik's sister.

Halfsis... Sister.

Hi, I'm Karin. Wow! Those look great!

Yeah, I know.

Jannik was in my room again.

Oh, yeah? I'll tell him
not to do that again, okay?

I'm off.

Any idea when you might be back?

Okay.

Britt... Could I have 10 Euros?

Of course!

Have fun.

Bye. It was a real pleasure.

Merle... She's still settling in.

She spends the summers with us.
It's not always easy.

For her.
There are slight adjustment problems.

What about Jannik?
Has he got any grandparents?

Yes, my father.
But that's a sad story.

He's... deaf and has dementia.

He recently started thinking
his wife is still alive.

Adding that to the mix,
it's quite a spectacle.

-What did you do?
-Yeah... I apologize.

He's really...
How do you say it? Pumped.

As for the police...

He loved it!

-What?
-Yes.

And the music thing.
That you can push and play the flute.

To me, it's important that Viktor...

His grandfather is in Russia
and his father...

But I think that Viktor
needs more than just a mom.

He also needs a man to...

Of course.

Excuse me, don't get me wrong, but...

-The entire afternoon was...
-Yes, I understand.

I'll pay you back for the museum
and for the ice cream.

No! God, no! That's not what I meant.

Just a moment.

Sushki. I myself made them.

Could you on Thursday
pick up Viktor from school? Please?

I really respect the commitment
you show to that boy.

It's great. It really is.

-Could you drop me off downtown?
-We're not allowed to.

Hello. Good day. I'm Karin.

My name is Karin.

So, you're visiting your daughter?

-No, I live here.
-Yeah.

My daughter's visiting me.

-Where's my wife?
-I'm afraid your wife... is dead.

-What?
-Your wife passed away.

Perhaps you'd like to take a seat?

Over here?

Let me take that. We don't want
to have another heart attack, do we?

-Here.
-We're having a nice chat, aren't we?

-Hi, darling.
-I thought you were at the office.

Yes, but there was a little mishap.

Somewhere at the back...

-Pass the olives.
-Dad!

Hey, Zorro.

Well, Pfeifer spilled coffee on me

and when I tried to take of my shirt,
something ripped at the back and...

Britt, I was told you were dead.

You can't just die
and then pretend nothing happened.

What are you on about?

What happened to your shirt?

Kai. Pleasure to meet you.

I am still Kai, aren't I?

-Could I have Mr. Giraffe?
-You can have anything you want.

And so can I.

So, your parents can only locate us
through this child's tracking device?

-They can't hear us, right?
-I don't know.

Want to feed them?

My parents say it's harmful.

Low-salt rice cakes? Surely not.

The crumbs and the duck poop
rot at the bottom of the lake

and the bacteria need oxygen,

which they take away from the fish
and the plants and the lake dies.

-It's dry.
-It's terrible.

Still, it's a pity
you don't want to look after Viktor.

That's just not my cup of tea.

I'll say, "Thanks for the buckwheat
rings, but find someone else."

-Did you just give me a funny look?
-I didn't look at you.

You'd better not.
Is he climbing up on the roof?

Oh, god! He is.

Well, some kids are just...

Jannik?

Jannik, don't!

Jannik!

Hey!

Leave me alone!

My schoolbag!

That's mine!

-Beat it, you're gay!
-Give me back my schoolbag!

-See? Look at it fly.
-You're so stupid.

You're so stupid!

Those boys there...
Does that happen often?

It's okay.

When I used to go to school,

I also had trouble with...
What do you call them? Idiots.

Because my interests
were different to the other kids'.

There are strategies you could use

to avoid such kids
and to get them to focus on others.

I could show you
how to make yourself invisible.

-Okay.
-Okay?

Can I have a sushki?

Yes, of course. God, yeah. Please.

Do you like coke? Know what it is?

A kid at kindergarten had one once.

He was sent to
the time-out chair as punishment.

Look! Here's some chocolate
for your parents.

But we've still got to pay for it.

No. We're going to steal it.

Everyone has to steal
once in their life.

-That's forbidden!
-You have to know what it feels like.

-But I don't want to.
-Listen.

They pay minimum wage
and embezzle millions in taxes.

Stealing from here is a good deed.

Plus... we're stealing organic goods.

-And nothing will happen to us?
-Nothing.

Are we going to jail now?

Well, you're not going to jail.

-Kids go to juvenile prison.
-What?

I'm only joking.
There's nothing to worry about.

But if they ask you anything,
tell them I have Alzheimer's, okay?

My head is full of honey.

So, before we call the police,

I'd like to at least
give you the opportunity...

to explain yourself.

Jochen?

Excuse me?

Jochen!

You're confusing me for someone else.

How we toiled to collect the harvest.

Jochen.

Shall we go down to the river?

-What are you doing?
-It's hot in here.

So hot.

How beautifully the matthiolas bloom

The matthiolas bloom

The matthiolas bloom

-What's wrong with her?
-She's got Altshomers.

-You're it!
-You're it!

Your clothes are so shitty, your mom
must shoplift from thrift stores.

-She doesn't shoplift.
-"She doesn't shoplift."

Anything you say
may and will be used against you.

So it's best to...

Even if they insult my mother?

That's not on.
Your mom's great and you know it.

But that's why you
say nothing and walk away.

Don't look them in the eye.
They're like dogs, they'll bite.

But I should show them respect.

No, it's best
if they don't notice you.

-Say nothing and walk away?
-Yes.

Otherwise, it will just get worse.

But you can't
make yourself invisible.

So, what would you rather do?

There's nothing you can do.

Didn't you ever want to fight?

Fight?

I could show you some deadly...

and very painful...

rhetorical finesses.

What is it?

Couldn't we try karate or something?

That's beneath us.

It's not beneath me.

Here. This is the solar plexus.

It's full of vital nerves.

You don't need
too much force to strike it.

They'll bend over double
like a pocketknife.

Could we try it on something else
and not on Saint Xenia?

Yes, of course. I apologize.

Well, then. Try hitting me. Aim here.

Come on.

Very good. Again. Again.

I should've used the honey
to finally get those dreadlocks.

-No.
-It's so cool here!

There's a fireplace with real flames!

-Yes, but...
-And there's a railroad!

But don't go there.

-Can I climb the trailer?
-No!

Of course.
He can do whatever he wants.

Nothing will happen.

Spending the afternoon with him
is like running a marathon.

-Do you want to give it up, then?
-And let Harald win?

So that's why you're doing it!

No, but I was hoping
he'd show some interest in the kid.

-And he doesn't fancy New Zealand.
-Why don't you travel there alone?

-We never went anywhere alone.
-That's right.

Scared of leaving
your bourgeois world?

I'm the king of the world!

Hey, listen...

-Could you give me some tips?
-Of course!

Well, firstly,

I never would've married him.

And, secondly,

stop saying "we" all the time.

-I was referring to Jannik.
-Oh, I see.

Well, kids love old technology.

It keeps them occupied for hours.

Show Jannik an old slide projector...

No! A Walkman.

I recently showed mine
to Leonie and she loved it.

"Does it take photos?"

Hey, listen...

Seeing as everything's going so well
with your godchildren,

why won't you consider
talking to your daughter?

Karin, really. I beg you.

That's my business, okay?

Hello!

He's Penis Wolfgang.

-Because of his penis.
-I got that.

-We have sex occasionally.
-Way too much information.

Do you and Harald still...

I'll go make us some coffee.

I know nowadays it might feel like
sandpaper down there, but...

Hey! I've made some
coconut oil vaginal balls.

Stick them in just before
and it just slips in.

They're in the fridge.

In case you and Harald...

-I thought those were candy.
-You can use them more than once.

Also helps against yeast infection!

-Did you bring the stuff?
-Yes, of course.

-Did you pack the boxes?
-Of course.

-Let's go straight there.
-Definitely.

It gets stuck when you press
several letters at the same time.

Cool!

-When you press multiple...
-This is so cool!

Merle, wait a moment.

Look, Merle!
An old computer with a printer.

Mom's asking whether I'll go back
to boarding school or go to Paris.

Your boarding school is a great
school, but this isn't about me.

Would you like me...
to stay here with you?

I don't want to tell you what to do.
You'll make the right choice.

I have to go now. See you later.

You'll be fine.

Fuck.

And who will clean that up?

-Well, since it's bugging you...
-Me?

You are sort of a housekeeper.

-I'm sort of a grandmother.
-Well...

If we both do it together,
we'll be done faster. Come on.

Uh... No.

I already have two step-mothers.
I don't need a step-granny, too.

Why would anyone
want to do that, anyway?

No kids of your own,
so before you kick the bucket

you want to leave your mark?

Have fun with Jannik,
but just leave me alone.

Come on, Merle.

-Hey! You can't just barge in here.
-I'll be quick.

What do you want here any...

Are you crazy?

-Put your phone down.
-Why?

-I want to talk to you.
-FYI...

My generation can do both.
Talk and be on the phone.

Mine can't.

Hey!

Are you demented or something?

-I'm telling Dad.
-Call him.

Before I kick the bucket,
let me give you some advice.

Are you happy with your speech?

I know how it feels
to want something and be let down.

But don't take
your problems out on others.

Just talk to that person
instead of insulting me.

And you won't solve your problems
by going to the rail tracks.

Shall we just have take-away?

I'm making pasta with tomato sauce.
But Merle likes cream sauce.

Merle, do... Whatever.

-I fancy sushi.
-I'll make both. And pesto.

Bring me the basil, will you?

Keep an eye on the water.
I'm going to take a shower.

Grandma Karin,
where is the Apple key?

So, that's it, then.

-What do you mean?
-The phone.

I know it was wrong,
but I'm only human.

I'll go to
the Grandparents' Agency...

Are you resigning because you dropped
her phone out the window?

I'll help look for it!

I dropped the phone
out of the window?

Merle just told me.

Did Merle drop it
and you're covering for her?

No, no.

Well, then. They'll find it.

-Okay. Thank you.
-"Thank you?" How about a nightcap?

-No.
-We could also get straight to it.

-You'll wake up my little one.
-No, on the contrary.

You're waking up my little one.

He's not little. He's normal.

-No!
-Elena!

You're late.

We said eleven, didn't we?

I made you sushki and vatrushki.

And now they're cold.

I'm sorry, Dad.

I'll be off then.

"I like to ride topless...

But on a Shetland pony,
so that my muscles look larger."

There's something for everyone.
A surfboard, a dog and a cat.

Mr. Sausage! Mr. Sausage.

But maybe one of them
would make a great dad for Viktor.

Just make sure they're good to you.
The rest will come naturally.

Is there something like that
for old people, too?

Where you can find things out
about people?

It's called "medical files".

I think you'd be quite the hit.

-Shall we set up a profile for you?
-No, no.

I'm done with love.
I've loved enough.

You don't want to love again?

-Are you sure?
-More than sure.

Do you know what it's like
to have found happiness?

To know that there's
someone there waiting for you?

Someone who accepts you
for who you are...

and whom you blindly trust...

for all those years.

And then suddenly, he's dead.

Oh no. I'm so sorry.

And there was nothing
I could do about it.

I get so soppy when I drink red wine.

How about some vodka?

Hello!

-Hi!
-Hey!

What are you wearing?
Where you jumping in puddles?

-We went to...
-We were at the water playground.

-Okay.
-I thought you might...

Because, as I said,
puddles are full of E. Coli.

Oh, yes. What's that wonderful smell?

Pumpkin tajine.

Pumpkin, wow!

-Smells delicious.
-Can Philippa stay for dinner?

No, she has to head home.

Well, I'm not really in any rush.

-Shall I stay for dinner, Leonie?
-Yes!

Are those my old dominoes?

Could we play with them,
Your Majesty?

If Jannik can set up more than five
without knocking them over.

He made this.

-You can split that into two rows.
-How?

Well...

Scooch over.

Like a switch point.

-Cool!
-I see.

Give me some more.

Can you film it
and post it on YouTube?

-I ain't posting any domino lines.
-Why not?

Yo! Check that out!
Copyright, my bro and I.

-That's right!
-Come on now. Quit that.

Hey!

So, Leonie. Go put your PJs on
and it's off to bed, okay?

Yep.

Philippa really has to get going now.

That's quite some rain out there.

-Can't she sleep here?
-Leonie!

-Shall I sleep here, Leonie?
-Yes!

-Hello.
-I'm so sorry we're late.

-The train. There was a disruption.
-It's okay.

Thank you so much for this.

I prefer it to going
all the way out to Novosibirsk.

-Come on in.
-Uhm... I have to go.

Of course. Your date awaits.

Thank you.

-Thank you.
-Good luck!

-Oh, my. Did you run over a suicider?
-What?

"Disruption." That's what they say
when they've run over someone.

Wow! That's amazing.

Watch it! Be careful.

Sorry.
Did you set all that up yourself?

-Who would've thought!
-Yes.

And then it'll go over the stool,

all the way back there and back.

Then we'll have a proper long line.

-You can set some up over there.
-No, thanks.

It's too fiddly for me.
I'm too old for that.

The boss comes out
Looking all big and mighty

The boss owns the house

The boss owns the land

As well as the crane
And the digger...

I can't believe this.

-Why didn't you say...
-You gave her the sheets!

Excuse me. It's what Leonie wanted
and I will respect that.

I think she used my toothbrush.

Listen up, builders

As you can see, the boss is...

So stupid

Did you enjoy that?

-What are you up to?
-At first, it's all black.

Then you scratch off the black layer
to reveal the colors.

You could be a psychotherapist.
Just by using that.

Want to join me?

Jannik fell asleep right away.

I'll be on my way then.

I would love to start that thing off.

We could make it look
like an accident.

Merle would kill me.

Not you. She loves you.

-Or we could just keep building it.
-We're out of bricks.

Philippa.

Philippa!

It's stopped raining now.

We've got a bag to put over
your saddle and some crumble.

Thanks so much
for putting her to bed.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We'd only planned
to do this for Jannik.

I'm sorry you have to deal
with both kids now.

Makes it more exciting.

Merle is going through
a difficult phase.

She's not sure where
she wants to go after the summer.

Back to boarding school
or to her mother in Paris.

Why can't she stay here?

You've seen how things
are with Jannik.

She's in her rebellious phase.

If she were to stay here...

I don't want to do that to her.

To her or to you?

I know I don't have kids of my own...

-And it's none of my business...
-But?

But Merle needs you.

She needs you and your advice.
Your support.

She can only rebel

if there's something
for her to resist.

Any other option
would just be like quicksand.

Do you remember this one?

Ike & Tina Turner,
"Nutbush City Limits."

-Of course I have.
-I've got a tape player somewhere.

Thanks for having
the boys bully me less.

And thank you for the fact
Gerhard is looking after me.

Please let me get a good role
in the school play.

Amen.

-Well, then.
-Do you also pray?

-No, I don't.
-Why not?

God is a bizarre construct
that legitimizes

mental laziness and repression.

But that's up to
the individual to decide...

-I'm sorry.
-It's okay.

-Good night.
-Mom always sings me a lullaby.

But I... I don't know
any children's songs.

"Twinkle, twinkle little star..."
and you know the rest.

Didn't your grandpa
ever sing for you?

"The frail bones tremble."

And "Bombs on England."

-Are those nice songs?
-That's a matter of taste.

I also know the Poland version
of the bomb song, too.

Know any songs without bombs in them?

Wind northeast, runway zero-three

I hear the engines from here.

It passes by, like an arrow

And it's roaring in my ears

And the wet asphalt quakes

The rain falls like a mist

Until she takes off and floats off

Towards the sun

Then everything is quiet, I must go

The rain soaks through my jacket

Someone is making coffee

In the air traffic control barracks

There's gasoline floating
On the puddles

It's iridescent, like a rainbow

You see the clouds reflected in it

I wish I could've flown, too

Over the clouds

Freedom must be infinite

They say all your fears
And all your worries

Stay hidden underneath, and then...

Things that seemed big and important

Suddenly become so small

Over the clouds

Freedom must be infinite

They say all your fears
And all your worries

Stay hidden underneath, and then...

Things that seemed big and important

Suddenly become so small

I'm sorry, Doctor.
I was just worried about you.

I finished my route
and your paper was still there.

What time is it?

8:30.

I was looking everywhere for it.

Hi. Your grandson?

Yes.

What are you doing?
I always liked those there.

They've been there for decades.

If we don't go to New Zealand,
let's change things here.

Come here and take the railway.

It's a locomotive!
You keep saying "railway".

The railway is the transport system.
You know that.

And why do you always say that, too?

But...

It looks stupid
with the stains there.

-We'll paint the wall!
-What?

-Paint it white.
-But it is white.

These parts are white,
but the rest of it is beige.

I'd say it's "champagne".

What did beige ever do to you?

Let's go buy paint. Now.

At the hardware store.

You like going to the hardware store.

Well, Harald?

We could also check out
the robot lawn mower enclosure.

My back. My back.

But we should dance
more often, you know.

Hardware store?

Don't you have to go meet your kid?

My kid is called Jannik.
You should know that by now.

Never met him.

Because you've just been
dying to meet him.

Sure! Bring him here.

-Let him run in your garden?
-Why not?

-And you'll light the barbecue?
-Yes.

We could also invite
Philippa and Gerhard's kids.

-Great idea.
-Set up some soccer goals?

-Why not a bouncy castle?
-And lanterns?

And torches. Pony rides.

-And fireworks.
-Sounds great.

Let's do it.

What?

Grandma Karin!

Hey!

Jannik! How wonderful.

Come on, Dad!

Careful!

Be careful.

This is so cool!

Hey, Viktor!

-Hello.
-Hello.

I thought Britt was bringing you.

He wants to prove to me
he can still jump.

That's not true. Nonsense.

You look great.

When will you be picking them up?

You're on first-name terms?

Hello, I'm Kai.
-Harald. Pleasure to meet you.

I thought I just stay.

-Sure, there's plenty to go around.
-Nice garden.

It's west-facing.

Speaking of "facing",
I can't face you like that.

Karin! I've got everything
I need in there.

Lighter, meat thermometer...
What's wrong?

"I've kidnapped Tiger Lily,
you foolish Redskins!"

We will dig up the war hatchet!

-Death to the pirates!
-Peter Pan will help us!

Are you playing a Native American?
Thought you wanted a big role.

It didn't work out. The others...

-Shall I go talk to your teacher?
-No, it's okay.

Is that organic?

No, it's pork.

My parents say
we should only eat organic.

Because everything else is evil.

Because only
organic animals are happy.

Who is the evil one then?

The one who kills a happy pig
or the one who kills an unhappy pig?

So?

-Made a new friend?
-Very funny.

-Just ignore her. You're doing great.
-Totally.

Next week,
we'll find you a godchild.

Why do you keep digging at me?

Why do people who don't love kids
have to justify themselves?

Why do you always get in a huff?

Some are good with kids and others
aren't. You don't have any anyway.

Well?

Men?

Thank you.

-And?
-Yeah...

Great.

So... Europa League?

Who will be in the finals?

-I'm not into Football.
-Do you mean Champions League?

No, Europa League.
It used to be the UEFA Cup.

Or rather,
the European Cup Winners' Cup.

-The what cup?
-The best teams of every country.

The respective cup winners.

You're referring to the European Cup.

Nation's League.

-No.
-What was the question again?

Who will be
in the Europa League finals.

Spain.

Sorry, I was just...

Do you have any wine?

Of course. Yes.

Did you get a tour of the garden yet?

He wanted to get a diagnosis first.

-What?
-To see if he has kidney stones.

-Tour of the house?
-Sure. Of course.

"A-ha" what?
Well, compared to your house, it's...

They're all going to go.
Old people plates.

-Nice railways.
-Locomotives.

"Railway" refers to
the transport system.

Oh, God. I sound like Harald.

Are you okay?

I gave him this one as a gift.

It's so strange.
You spend so many years with someone,

like being on the same train,
same destination...

-But then you find that you...
-Change course?

It's better when you find someone
who's on the same course as you.

Dad!

I can do a somersault!
Let me show you!

Come on! Hurry!

I'm coming. I'm coming.

Jannik!

I'm so sorry.

It's thyroid cancer.

-What?
-Just kidding. You're fine.

Hey! You're such an ass!

So far, it's been
quite a good birthday.

-Birthday?
-67 today.

-Gerhard!
-And you didn't say anything?

-Happy Birthday!
-Gerhard!

My spinal disks!

-That's crazy!
-Here.

Never thought
I'd live to be this old.

I recently did an online test.

One of those that tell you
when you're going to die.

When will you die then?

Two years ago.

I never wanted to be this old.

I'd see it at my doctor's office.
Old and dying people.

Let's not talk about death.

67 is nothing!

Nowadays, you can live until...
I don't know. 120.

67 is like the new 40.

We are Pippi Longstocking,
Peter Pan...

-Momo.
-Why not.

Hey!

-Is anyone baking you a cake today?
-I don't have kids.

That's a privilege for parents.

You have a daughter, don't you?
Is she still in Essen?

Yeah. She moved away.

-We chose the roles as a group.
-As a group?

After all that's happened,
I'm puzzled by the fact

that victims of such attacks
are sidelined

and are left to play the "Indians".

Is it because his mother is Russian?

Minorities should play minorities?

Definitely not.
Those two things aren't related.

I have experienced discrimination.

Believe me.
It finds the most perfidious ways.

It's not that important.

It is, Viktor.
We've been silent for long enough.

The roles have all been...

Do you want him to play Peter Pan?

It doesn't need to be the lead role.
What about Captain Cook? Or Hook?

-He's the antagonist. It's a big...
-He's a fast learner.

I'll talk to my colleagues.

The discrimination card.
Always works.

-You've got a visitor!
-Grandma Karin! Surprise!

-What?
-Child plus attachment.

But, how come?
What are you doing here?

We were in the area
and I thought I could pick up my...

-Jumper, which I left here.
-I'm outside!

We're currently fighting
a severe case of renovitis.

Women can never keep still.

No! Not there! I just sowed there!

-I can't stop thinking about you.
-What?

I'm sorry, but...

But you...

-Are...
-Your kids' grandmother. I know.

No, no.

Well, yes.

If you put it that way, then, yes.
But I...

I'm sorry.

I feel dizzy.

It's the paint thinner.

Sorry. It won't come out.

Well, it matches the wall.

He forgot to take it again.

Good to know
I'm not the only scatterbrain.

Maybe he didn't come here
for the jumper.

He wanted to let his son
run around a bit.

He ran right through Erika.

Who's Erika?

The heather. He ran through it
like Godzilla did through Tokyo.

Ever think he might have ADHD?

What?

That attention deficit thingie.

Jannik is just very lively.

Unlike you.

No reason to get all lippy now.

I sacrificed my lawn
for the bouncy castle.

You can't blame me for wanting
some peace and quiet.

You can get all the peace and quiet
you want when you're dead!

-I've had enough of peace and quiet.
-Seems the boy's infected you.

What's all this for?

At least I'm doing something,
instead of just rotting in a chair.

You said we'd enjoy our freedom
when we retired.

On the armchair?

-I worked hard for it.
-And I didn't?

I took early retirement so you
wouldn't get bored on your own

and to do stuff together!

I don't feel bored with you around.

On the contrary. All I need is you.

-Us being together is all I need.
-But I need more.

You never complained before.
What changed, all of a sudden?

This isn't enough for me anymore.

I want to live,
not just look after people.

You're blaming me
for looking after you?

That I want you
to always have care?

-Don't you ever think about old age?
-But this is old age!

Are you really happy

just tinkering with
your model railway all day?

The one no one will play with
after we're gone, as we're childless?

You blaming me for that, too?
The fact we didn't have kids?

Well, one could've had tests done.

Maybe one could've done something
about it if one wanted to.

One? Why do you keep saying "one"?

I thought we agreed
not to go through all that.

Agreed?
You'd never have done it anyway.

All those medical procedures.

You're right.

But blaming me 40 years later

that you didn't do anything
out of consideration for me?

I refuse to accept that.

I'm buying a new carpet.

Even if it costs as much
as 12 walking frames.

Sorry.

Look at what they're doing.

Grandma Karin can draw
a butterfly on your face later.

I hope I'll manage.

-See you later. Bye.
-Bye.

Hello. How are you?

Tiger mom.

-Where's Viktor?
-With Gerhard, in the locker room.

-Looks great.
-I'll find him.

-Good luck!
-Bye!

Oh, Excuse me.

Hey. I'm glad you could make it.

How could I miss
Jannik screwing up his two lines?

Hello.

You'll be great.

Just ignore them.

I bet Peter Pan will be terrible.

-He's a great actor.
-So are you.

But he has a black soul
and you don't.

-A parrot.
-How cute!

They're making
balloon animals back there.

Not interested?

Very well. Then...

Okay. Let's split up, then.

Here are your tokens.

-I can go on my own?
-Why not?

What's the worst that could happen?
Go on, then!

I'll be by the balloons, okay?

Oh, right.

For you. Because you never know
where to put your phone.

But please don't fiddle with it
for too long when it rings.

You know how old people are.

It was no hassle at all.

Thank you.

-How are things at home?
-Did you drug him?

He's being so... nice.

-What?
-Yes. He's completely changed.

He listens to me,
all serious and stuff.

Maybe he did take something.

Hello.

Could I have some nice makeup, too?

Just a moment. No Hitler moustache.

Great idea.

-Hey! Stay still.
-Check this out.

Object to walking around
like this all day?

-Me?
-Yes.

-No, but you will.
-I'm also adding glitter.

Okay.

-What would you like?
-A cookie.

One token, please.

And this is for you.

Here you are.

Two chocolate muffins, please.

-Here you are.
-Thank you.

PEANUT BUTTER COOKIES

Hey, Kassajew!

-You look so stupid.
-Wait.

Know who cares about
what you have to say? No one.

-You're totally going to screw up.
-You're such a loser.

My grandfather
uses such worn-out sayings, too.

You mean him?

-No.
-He's not even your real grandfather.

He's just some strange guy
from some agency for poor kids.

"My Viktor has to play
the lead role or I will cry."

-Quit that!
-"Quit that!"

Kassajew only has grandpa friends.

Are you stupid? Come here.

How does it feel?

-It's not a nice feeling, is it?
-That's enough! Quit that.

-Viktor, he'll tear you into pieces.
-Let go off me.

Don't hold me back.
It's embarrassing.

"He hit me.
Old Grandpa, now help me."

That's enough now.
Plus, you used the wrong word order.

-Gay says "what".
-What?

Well, we both
sort of overreacted there.

Shall we just say we're even now?

Are you crazy?

Attack!

Merle!
Peter Pan and Gerhard are fighting.

-What? Who?
-Never mind.

Where's Dad and Grandma Karin?

No one's here.

Well... Listen. This can't go on.

You look dazzling with those
tiger things, by the way.

-Really sexy.
-Thank you, but... No.

We have to put a stop to this.

Check this out. Never-Never Land.
Come on up.

Yes, it's great, but...

Kai, what we're doing is crazy.

I know it's irrational and unplanned.

And definitely not grown-up.

But it just feels so great.

Here's your jumper.

Watch my stripes.

Merle!

Are you okay? Are you choking?

I feel strange.

-What's wrong with her?
-I don't know.

Water.

-Water!
-Is there a doctor here?

We need a doctor!

Where are your parents?

There's a girl. She can't breathe.

Are you really a doctor?

Yes. I don't usually look like this.

So, Leonie. Could you hold this?

You look like the Michelin Man,
but you'll be fine.

-Are you an angel?
-Yes.

Here! The case.

That man!

That man...

He attacked my son.

Just now in the locker room.

-Just a little sting.
-He's been bullying him.

-He stole his role.
-Him?

He's a child...

Last time we were able
to call the cops just in time.

-Thank you.
-Thank you, too.

Open your mouth, please.

Great. Very good.

Please sit down.
She's fine. I promise.

-She's fine.
-Yeah?

Oh, darling.

Then Viktor's grandpa examined me.
He had glitter all over.

Then the ambulance came
and my cheeks were...

And everyone was giving me stuff.

Where's Philippa?

-Have a drink.
-We won't be seeing Philippa again.

She's dead to us.

Like Jesus?

No, more in a metaphorical sense.

-She didn't take good care of you.
-Yes.

You're it!

Gerhard and children. He cures
the one, and beats the other one.

-What's that supposed to mean?
-You can't go around hitting kids!

One of them had an eye-patch.

He already had it.

Sure, but violence against children?

Spare me the lecture.

Know what? It felt good,
smacking that little brat.

I'd do it again.

Should've done it back in 1960.

Look who's talking. I saved your kid
while you were playing with balloons.

What are you looking at?

Making out with a horny late boomer.

What?

Kai?

You cheated on my brother?

Oh, come on! You've been saying we're
a bad match since our engagement.

That doesn't mean
you should cheat on him!

Have you lost it?

Why are you defending your brother,
all of a sudden?

Respect.
Two families ruined with one blow.

Would you just shut up?

Ruined families...

You're self-treating
your own daughter trauma

and pull us into it, too!

And your know-it-all attitude and
eternal good mood are so annoying.

What annoys you?

The fact you're growing old
while I stay young?

More like "never grow up".

Pippi Longstocking, huh?

She lives with a freaking monkey
and a horse. What a role model.

Okay. Well, please excuse me

for dragging you out of
your shriveled up old-age depression.

I'm sure it's back where you left it.

You douchebags!

-Regarding Viktor...
-I get it. You don't need a grandpa.

At least not a gay one
who beats kids.

-No!
-You've known I'm gay for a while,

but you turned a blind eye
to not appear homophobic.

-That's not...
-Let's face it.

It was a bad idea from the start.
We're from completely different worlds.

He's better off alone.

I didn't want to be a god-grandpa,
and for good reason.

Do svidaniya. I'm off
and you don't need to feel bad.

COMPOST DUTY

You've reached
Merle's voice mail. Please...

Surprise. We're going on a trip.

What?

One week in Bad Salzuflen.

A four-star wellness hotel.
People no longer say "health resort".

A trip, a change of scenery...

Some time off for us.

I wanted to buy cut flowers,
but it would've been a waste.

Seeing as we're off tomorrow.

I surprised you, didn't I?

This one or this one?

I thought beige was out.

That's creme.

Morning, Doctor.

Morning.

Is everything okay?

You're not ready yet?

-We can't go.
-What?

I kissed Kai.

More than once.

Well...

Okay.

Why?

It's over now.

KAI CLAUSSEN CELL

What?

Hello.

What...

-Does your mom know you're here?
-Yes.

Although she's really pissed at you.

I told her we're done with all this.

She said you don't know
what's good for you.

-Grandpas often don't.
-Well, I'm not actually a grandpa.

I'm a forcibly recruited
volunteer god-something.

Don't you want to be my grandpa?

I do.

I do. More than anything.

Is that mold on your face?

-What's he doing here?
-His sister went missing.

Merle?

Yes. Very well. Thank you.

Merle's missing.
They're looking for her.

Did they call the police?

Yes, but if her parents
can't find her, how will they?

-I'm missing some info, too.
-I'll go search for her. Coming?

Out of the question.

I screwed up.
I have to search for her.

Karin, please!

Stay here.

Where will you search for her?

Grandma Karin!

What are you doing here?

-Looking for Merle.
-Me, too.

He said he saw her
on the tracks once.

Exactly. Attention deficit disorder?
Yeah, right!

I've got loads of attention.

You're right there.
You're just great!

What are you doing here?

-What are you doing?
-Composting.

Obviously.

Is this an intervention or what?

Perhaps later.

-Merle!
-Where do we search?

-I'll search on the tracks.
-Out of the question.

Oh, man!

You go. I'll look after the boys.

What? I really will look after them.

Look! Helicopter grandma.

I'm not admitting
I made a mistake, but...

I won't do it again.

Merle?

-You have to show me how to do that.
-Merle showed me.

-I'll go down that way.
-Okay.

It was easy to climb up here.

Merle?

-Karin?
-What are you doing up there?

Are you crazy? Come down!

What are you doing here? Go away!

The train can start moving
at any time.

You can't tell me what to do.

-Please come down from there.
-No.

-Are you nuts?
-You're such a stalker.

If you don't come down, I'll come up.

-This is no place for grandmas.
-But it is for you?

Merle,

do you really want
to travel on top of a train?

As if you know what you really want.

You're just as fake as my father.

I'm not. Believe me.

I'm sorry about what happened,

but I was completely rattled.

When you lose control,
then you screw up.

-Think only kids act foolishly?
-We're not foolish.

You're riding into your deaths
with a Davy lamp.

-Of course that's foolish.
-"Davy lamp?"

This is a GoPro, Fixodent lady.

Let's go. This is such a turn-off.

What was it you said?

"Don't take your problems
out on others?"

-I'm sorry...
-No! Look who's talking!

You act tough, but you're not.
Trying to tell me what to do?

You can't cope with your life,
so you fool around with my dad?

I know I have to make changes,

but it's not that easy.

There are people I love
and who need me.

Merle, I'm really sorry.

Goddammit! This all sucks so much.

No!

-Oh, man.
-Grandma Karin?

Merle!

Jannik?

This is not how you pictured
silver surfers, right?

Want to sit down?

-What were you thinking?
-She's fine.

-Glad you're back.
-Nobody's hurt.

Did you tell Britt?

Yes, I did.

I couldn't hide it from her
after Merle had gone missing.

We spoke honestly with each other
for the first time in a long time.

And listened to each other.

Seems like everything
has its good side, too.

Do I really get
on your nerves so much?

-Yeah... No.
-Honestly...

-I'm so sorry about what I said.
-I'm sorry, too.

Thanks for helping me
after screwing up so badly.

The alternative was
old-age depression. I chose you.

Great. You did find
the way here after all.

Yes.

I...

By Saint Xenia,

I'd like to apologize
for everything I said to you.

It's not that simple.

I see.

Very well.

Gerhard!

You've got to come here.

This is how we do things
in this family.

And now everything's fine.

Can we make a little detour?

Via Margareten Heights?

Is it okay to just
show up there so late?

I brought a flower.

Philippa! Did you just
steal that from Kai's place?

Well, we did just save his daughter.

He can afford to buy
another little box tree.

Maybe it is a bit too late.

I'll wait here.

-It's so bourgeois here.
-Philippa...

Look at the state of you.

I think I need a bigger suitcase.

Will you be gone long?

I did go for it after all.

A new adventure, just for me.

Entering uncharted territory.
Or, rather, New Zealand.

They need
god-grandmothers there, too.

How often do you get the chance
to try something new so late in life?

As often as you like.

Kids, don't rip off your au pair
granny's arms on her first day.

I don't break so easily.

Colors attract them.

Do you have clothes
which are more... covering?

Maybe something beige?

"My dear Harald.

You're all I want,

but we each have to do
the things only we enjoy.

I know you'd die of a heart attack
here in New Zealand

if you didn't know
how your robot lawn mower is doing.

I want to grow old with you.

Well, really old.
Not just a little bit old like now.

And I look forward to that.

Your Karin."

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull