All language subtitles for The.Great.North.S04E01.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH

- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here, you
can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

I can't remember

if it's fork on the left
or spoon on the left.

If I don't figure this out now,

what will I do if I
get crowned princess

of a small European country?

If you behead a few
people right off the bat,

they won't care how you
place your flatware.

Luckily, our table-setting
expert is right here.

Care to weigh in, Lone
Moose's Cup King, Ham Tobin?

So... not like I had it?

Sorry, Wolf. I'm in the
middle of a major crisis here.

I am freaking out about
the stupid assignment

for my public speaking elective.

It's worth 50% of our
grade and it's known as...

The soul crusher.

You belong to me now, Ham.

As you can probably guess by
how demonic Moon is acting,

the assignment is to give
a speech to his class.

No, not room 15.

They're notorious hecklers.

I heard Jeremy Nicholbottom
transferred schools

after presenting to that
class last semester.

Who did you hear that from?

Who didn't I hear it from?

The heckles get
so bad most people

don't even finish the speech.

Mr. Golovkin teaches my class

and he loves failing
people for not finishing.

He called it "one
of life's delights."

And the topic of the speech
isn't helping, either.

It's "Alaska: Wow."

That sounds easy.
Alaska is full of wows.

Which of its many wonders
are you focusing on?

Let me read you
what I have so far.

"Alaska has the longest
coastline in the nation

with 66,000 miles
of shorelines. Wow."

Oh, Ham, my class is
gonna eat you alive.

And I'll personally pick
the last bit of gristle

off your bones.

Moon, that's your brother.

Family means nothing in room 15.

What if this brings my
grade down to a B-minus?

That's a Ham Tobin F.

I'll have to run away to
Seattle, and I'm no Frasier.

I'm not even a Niles.

Ham, buddy, calm down.

You just need a more
"Alaska: Wow" topic.

If I were giving the
speech... which I am not

because I chose turquoise
jewelry design as my elective...

I'd tell a story
with some sizzle.

I, too, could spin any number
of colorful Alaskan yarns.

I've also got an
Alaskan story in my butt

that'll make you say "what?"

Fools.

I bet none of your
stories would impress me.

How about we make it a contest?

We each tell our own
"Alaska: Wow" story

and Moon chooses the best one.

And then I can use that
one for my presentation.

It's not plagiarism when
you're saving your own life.

I'm in. And like velour
sweatpants and infinity scarves,

you're both already out.

And if you snooze, you lose.

Sorry, just some
good-natured ribbing,

nothing personal meant by it.

Whereas everything I say during
your stories will be personal.

Who's first?

The loud teen, the plaid mumbler

or the lady dressed
as Barney's sister?

The heckling has begun.

I stay ready so I don't
have to get ready.

I'll go first. Now presenting:

the true story of how Bob Ross,

one of America's
most beloved painters

found inspiration in Alaska.

Perfect topic, Judy.

Ten-year-olds go crazy
for beloved painters.

Well, no. Well, no, it
was-it was more exciting

than just that because,
uh, uh, true fact:

Bob Ross was stationed here

in the Air Force. You
like airplanes, right?

And he was part of a, um,

Air Force fighter
pilot training thingy.

And it's really exciting.

And cinematic, actually,
some might say.

We see Bob-Judy Maverick Ross,

flying in a very
cool fighter jet.

Wow, Ham Hock, look at
these gorgeous clouds.

I mean, I know
we're in the middle

of life-or-death
flight training,

but I-I... I simply
must paint them.

Uh, Bob-Judy Maverick Ross,

I think you should
fly the plane.

Sorry, but you know
they call me Maverick

because of my
unorthodox flying style.

Aah! Bob-Judy Maverick
Ross, please stop painting.

We're headed right for a mountain!
- Whoops.

Eh, Ham Hock might be okay.

Ham Hock's dead. That's the
eighth navigator you've killed

this week with your painting.

What can I say? I'm a Maverick.

Damn it, I ought to ground you,

but because everyone
else is dead

and you have a cool
leather jacket,

I'm sending you to the
most elite flight academy

in the country: Snow Gun.

Bob-Judy was sent to
Snow Gun in Alaska,

and Chief Beeferson was also
going, for plot reasons.

So, Bob-Judy sets
off for the North.

As he's landing,
he knows he's gonna

love Snow Gun Alaska because...

Because they had
hunk volleyball!

Just a bunch of shirtless
dudes having fun,

patting butts,
screaming, "Yeah!"

in slow-motion.

What are the rules?

Nobody knows and nobody cares.

- Wolf.
- What?

We were all waiting
for that scene.

Stop messing up my story.

Yeah, she wants to
mess it up herself.

Judy, please. I need
this to be good.

And it will be, because the
best thing about Snow Gun was

the gorgeous Alaskan scenery.

Bob-Judy knew right away
that he would need to paint

all of it while flying
and killing more pilots.

I need to paint all
of this while flying

and killing more pilots.

And then Maverick
meets his new nemeses,

IceWolf and HoneyBarf.

We know all about your
reputation, Maverick.

You're too dangerous
to be in a plane.

Your dad was reckless, too.

Hundreds of men died on D-Day

because your dad was sculpting
in his plane over Normandy.

And in the War of 1812,
your great-grandpa

would fall off his horse
because of his damn decoupage.

Wow, you guys know a
lot about my family.

We know your painting is writing
checks your plane can't cash.

And even though we hate
each other right now

we're gonna later come to
share a mutual respect.

Looking forward to it.

Maverick!

I finally found someone
willing to fly with you.

- Call sign: Goose.
- Honk.

Bob-Judy, no more
painting up there.

I can't bury another man,

even if that man is a goose.

Damn this majestic
Alaskan scenery.

Maybe I'll just paint

one little happy tree...

Honk!

Eject, Goose, eject!

Bob-Judy ejects just in time,

but Goose couldn't
work the ejection lever

because uh, because
he was a goose.

- Honk! Honk, honk, honk, honk!
- No!

- But, luckily, Goose remembered he could fly.
- Honk.

Honk. Honk!

But then he got sucked
into the engine.

My painting.

Oh, and Goose!

Moon, I hope you're
liking this story

because things are
about to get "soary."

The only thing you should be
"soary" about is talking, babe.

Did you just call
your sister "babe"?

It's an energy, Dad.
Please don't question it.

Come on, Judy, I
need something good.

I'm gonna be pulled
limb from limb

by a bunch of toddlers tomorrow.

And then we'll sword
fight with your arms

while your partially-living
head still screams.

Fun. So,

Bob-Judy is despondent

after losing-slash-killing

his best and only friend, Goose.

Goose's wife and
child were also sad.

- Honk.
- Honk.

But this isn't about them.

It's about our cool hero,
who expressed his sadness

by riding a motorcycle. But then

something exciting happened.

Damn it. We've got bogeys.

Scramble the jets!

What the hell?

Damn it, Mav.

We have to send
these planes up now.

Oh, really? Can we at
least let them dry first?

So, IceWolf and HoneyBarf

are fighting the
enemy and saying

cool fighter stuff, like...

- Lock and load.
- Roger that.

Aircraft carrier.

The MiG on our six
is not engaging.

It's like... it's
like he can't see us.

And that's when they realized

Bob-Judy's painting
had made the planes...

Invisible. Damn it,
Mav, you did it.

But then Chief
Beeferson notices...

The sun is setting.

All the sky colors

are changing in a
breathtaking way.

But Beeferson had an idea.

IceWolf, HoneyBarf,
I need you to fly

full speed towards
that building.

Sounds great, you got it.

Pull up, pull up!

And because

of how much Alaska made
Bob-Judy say, "Wow!,"

the good guys from
America won against

the vague but definitely
evil bad guys.

Well, Maverick,

- I guess I respect you now.
- To Maverick.

Then Bob-Judy pops
the champagne bottle

and hits the mom goose,

- who also dies.
- Honk!

- Geez, Judy.
- What? You wanted excitement.

Okay. Moon, did you love it?

I love when it ended.

Not to worry, Ham.
I've got a speech

about something that makes
everyone say "wow": flags.

Your groans of
excitement are warranted.

I'm gonna tell
you the true story

of how Alaska's
actual state flag

came to be designed by a
14-year-old named Benny Benson.

A real Alaskan hero
close in age to yourself,

and I will tell it based on

a truly action-packed
movie I recently saw

that was originally
about math and janitors.

- Young Benny Quinnson...
- Oh, my God.

Did you change the boy who
designed the Alaskan flag

into Moon's crush Quinn
in a sad attempt to win?

I definitely don't
have a crush on Quinn.

That's defamation,
but I'm listening.

Benny Quinnson
worked as a janitor

at Alaska Flag University,

the foremost institution
for flag design.

Well, if it isn't Mary Moppins.

Mop that, loser. You're
just a 14-year-old punk

who doesn't know anything
about flag design and, uh,

- you never will.
- But Benny Quinnson had a secret

none of the flag
design students knew:

she was a flag design genius,
with the ability to see

the beautiful complexity of
flags that others couldn't.

But she kept it to herself
because all of her friends

were nice but also super dumb.

And all they did was play

hunk volleyball!

Just a bunch of
shirtless townies

breaking into the
university at night,

and the air conditioning is off,

so they're greasy as hell.

What are the rules out here?

Nobody knows and nobody cares.

- Wolf.
- Okay, fine.

Actually, all Benny
and her friends did

was hang out at the local
bar in their Alaskan town.

Hello, my dirtbag
friend, HoneyBen.

I'm also a dirtbag who
turns out to be a genius

but never forgets
her dirtbag roots.

As your best friend who's
the same age as you,

you want a drink?

Of course, because I have a sad

flag-related thing in my past

I'm trying to repress.

I can't believe that you're so
much better at creating flags

than everyone at the school,
but you're just a janitor there.

That's all I've ever
known. My dad was a janitor

and his dad was a janitor

and his dad was a mop.

You know, every morning
when I come to your house,

I hope you're not there.

That's a mean thing to say.

No. It's-it's heartfelt.
Because you're too smart.

You know, they're looking for
someone to make a new flag

for our great state of Alaska.

If it ain't about
sweeping or trash,

I don't want to hear it.

I've put flags behind me

because of that sad
flag-related thing in my past.

Wow, you really know
how to make a floor wet.

Thank you.

But you know what you
know even more? Flags.

I know you solved the
unsolvable equation

that I left on the board.

You could be the next
Flannery McBanner,

and they named
banners after her.

Flags aren't just
pieces of fabric

flapping in the
wind like idiots,

they give us our identity,

and you could create
the one our state needs.

- I can't.
- Is it because

you have a sad flag-related
thing in your past?

Yes, that's exactly what it is.

Then I need to send you to a
"tell it like it is" therapist

who will never give up on you.

I'm Dr. Notyafault,
and I'm gonna help you

with the sad flag-related
thing in your past.

I'm also gonna
tell it like it is.

Let me guess... a flag killed
your beloved pony, Peppermint?

Yes. That is what happened.

All I wanted was to show my
beloved pony, Peppermint,

the largest flag in the world.

He also loved flags,
because who doesn't?

But when I stood back to
take a photo of my pony

near the flag, the
flag was too heavy.

It flattened him to death.

The only thing left
to bury was his tail.

After that, I swore

I'd never have anything
to do with flags again,

which is why I bought a zoo

and tried to deal with my
amnesia while being chased

by international assassins
hell-bent on killing me.

Here's the deed to your zoo.

- - Aah!
- Beef,

no! Those are totally
different Matt Damon movies.

- Are they?
- Yep.

Right.

So then...

Benny Quinnson,
I know you're sad

that a flag
flattened Peppermint,

but I must tell it like it is.

You're a flag genius.

You can't keep
running from this.

Yes, I can.

I'll never give up on you,

but I will bill you
for this session

even though you have
44 minutes left.

And so Benny ran.

Ran even though she knew
she should stop running.

Just like you should stop
running your damn mouth.

- Moon.
- If you can't stand the heat,

stay out of the
crematorium, babe.

Come on, Dad, I need a miracle.

Hang in there, Ham.
So, Dr. Notyafault

doesn't give up on Benny

because he refuses to.

Hi, Dr. Notyafault.

Thinking about flags, kid?

Always.

Benny, what happened
to Peppermint...

it's not ya fault.

Yes, it is.

- Isn't.
- Is.

- No, it's not.
- Hm, yeah.

I never looked at it that way
before. It's not my fault.

You're cured.

Now, can I tell you the
story of how my wife died?

- No, thank you.
- Well, I listened to your thing,

but fine. You know,

a flag can say so
much with so little.

That flag of our great state
of Alaska will stay blank,

saying nothing at all,

unless somebody figures
out how to fill it in.

Huh. Now that my
best friend left

without even saying goodbye,

it actually feels pretty bad.

So even though
Benny was only 14,

she created a flag that
was just like Alaska...

beautiful in its simplicity.

That son of a bitch.
This flag was her fault.

And I love it.

The majesty...

of flags.

Father, the only
interest I have in flags

is you moving ours to half-mast

'cause your funeral is right
around the corner, old man.

You see how I'm
talking to Dad, Ham?

To our own father, whom
I actually respect?

Now imagine there's 20 of me,

desperate to get to their
pudding pack at lunch.

Oh, God, I'm doomed.

Maybe I should see if Jeff
Bezos wants to take me to space

like that little Dutch boy.

Ham, keep it together,
'cause I'm about to destroy

your father and sister.

- Leave the threats to me.
- So sorry.

Now, before I start
up my story car

and drive it directly
into your brain,

let me ask you one thing,

Moon, do you hate vegetables?

I do, in fact, hate vegetables.

Then imagine a world,
right here in Alaska,

where the only food
was plain vegetables.

Then, imagine that one man,

an ordinary plumber by
the name of Steve Henson,

was about to do
something extraordinary.

To make an invention that
would echo through time,

bringing joy to millions.

Yes, that man invented
ranch dressing,

and I'm gonna tell you how
he did it in a way that's fun

and actiony and doesn't
totally make sense,

like The Matrix, but
also totally original.

Just go with it.

So, we're in, like,
this dystopian future,

and in this dystopian future

we find an ordinary plumber

living in Alaska

by the name of
Honey-bee-o Henson.

Tell me, Honey, will this story

"bee" over anytime soon?

I just started. And
it's "bee-o," like Neo.

Again, not that this is based
on The Matrix or anything.

Honeybee, you are
now my only hope.

I am begging you to
take this seriously.

And I'm begging you to stop now
while you're way, way behind.

Both of you shut your
holes and let me roll.

Like I said, there were only
vegetables in this world,

so that's all anyone
ate, day in and day out.

Until one spooky morning,

when Honey-bee-o goes
to the fridge and...

Wake up, Honey-bee-o.

But I am awake.

Never mind, I'm coming out.

Then the fridge door opened,

and a cool, mysterious
bad boy stepped out,

Guy Morfieri.

Hello, Honey-bee-o.

The world you're
living in is a lie.

Also, you're low on radishes.

Okay, how did you get
in there? And in here?

There's no time to explain,

and it also wouldn't make
any sense, but listen,

this world... the
world around you...

it's actually imaginary.

Everything? Even my toilet?

Especially your toilet,
but there is a real world.

With real toilets?

Stop talking about toilets.
I need you to focus.

The real world is just
people in goo pods.

It's pretty gross, but at
least it's real, or whatever.

And are there toilets in there?

- I swear to God.
- Sorry.

Look, we have to wake
everyone up from goo sleep

to set them free, so
I've chosen you to help.

Make sense?

- Nope.
- Perfect.

Oh, and here's the big thing:

vegetables don't
have to taste bad.

We've all been lied to,

and that's why you
have to choose.

Eat this Brussel sprout, and
you stay in the world you know,

or take this clove
of garlic and change

everything forever

and be in a bunch of danger.

Brussel sprout, please.

- No, pick the other one.
- Uh,

normally, I don't eat
straight-up garlic

from men who step out
of my refrigerator,

but you're charming as hell
and your hair makes me smile,

so let's go.

So, what do you
think so far, Moon?

I liked the part where
you said vegetables suck,

but I hated the part
where you kept talking.

Oh, no! Talking is, like, the
main part of a presentation.

Sounds like I'm
still in the running.

And I think my flag
story was pretty nice.

And I think it was a war
crime. Tomato, "tomahto."

Speaking of tomatoes,

when Honey-bee-o
takes the garlic,

she and Guy Morfieri
go into this,

like, uh, white void space

so she can train
to save the world

from flavorless vegetables,
starting with...

Hunk volleyball!

It's dudes in leather shorts

spinning a cauliflower
ball on one finger.

- Wolf!
- Sorry, my Matrix Maven.

- Go on.
- So,

Honey-bee-o and Guy
Morfieri do, like,

karate stuff and some
light gymnastics,

and it's very unclear how
those things would help people

get out of goo pods, but
it looks cool as hell.

Damn it. No matter
how cool this looks,

it isn't working.

- What should we do?
- Hmm. I know.

Let's go see a weird lady
who speaks in riddles

and will also not
explain anything.

Perfect.

As The Jude-acle,

I can tell you, you might

be The One, Honey-bee-o,

but first you have to
believe that you're The One.

So, am I The One? Or...

I'm pretty sure it's
you, but I'm wrong a lot.

I thought the guy in The Jinx
documentary was innocent,

so, you know what I mean?

And then, um...

something happens.
Give me a sec.

You don't remember
the movie, do you?

- What movie?
- The Matrix.

This isn't that. It's just
a cool story I'm making up.

Oh, oh, oh, hold
on, I remember now.

I just remembered I'm
supposed to upload

some instructions to your brain.

I'm just gonna pop back
to goo world real quick.

Cool spoon trick.

Okay, um, sorry
about that. I just

uploaded something to
your goo world brain.

A recipe for some kind of sauce.

Oh, and I also uploaded
a playlist called

"Now That's What
Guy Calls Music"

that takes me to an
emotional Flavortown

when I'm feeling down. A lot
of Spin Doctors on there.

Well, then why don't
we go ahead now

and get back to the goo world,

make this sauce recipe
you uploaded in my brain

and then put it in the goo pods

so I can win this
story competition.

Wait, what story competition?

No time to explain. Let's go.

And then Agent
Beef Smith shows up

to stop them because
he wants people to stay

in those goo pods forever.

Vegetables should
not be delicious.

If you don't like dry
broccoli, just try it wet.

- Like, soaked in water?
- Yes.

What are you talking about,
man? Nobody wants wet-getables.

Honey-bee-o, kick
this guy's ass.

And then they fought.

Honey-bee-o used
his, uh, mind powers

to make ingredients
appear and made them

fly around and mixed
it all in the air

in a big ol' blob
of floating sauce,

but then Agent Beef Smith

shoots at him with
carrot bullets.

But he stops them mid-air
with flavor powers.

Alaska: Wow!

With the perfect
combination of buttermilk,

mayo, eggs and a proprietary
blend of herbs and spices,

I've invented an amazing sauce
right here in this fine state.

I'll call it Donkey Sauce.

I will sue you into oblivion.

Ranch dressing it is.

And then she sends the carrot
with the ranch dressing

into his mouth and the
flavor was too delicious.

No! It's too delicious!

Aah!

- Honey-bee-o, you did it.
- Yes, and I think it all

made perfect sense, don't you?

Definitely. Let's
go sauce those pods.

So then everyone got free
of their goo pods, and then,

in the sequel, they have
a big rave in a cave.

And that's the true story
of how Alaska was the site

of the invention of the most
perfect sauce of all time.

And the real inventor's
name was Steven Henson,

and I worship him and
his beautiful mind.

Case closed. I win.

Ugh. Did she win,
Moon? Or did Judy win?

Or Dad?

Which story will make it so I
don't wind up peeing my pants

in front of your class?

Hmm. I'm sorry, Ham,

but I can't choose.

I'm forced to declare
a three-way tie

for worst story ever.

But my story was about
hating vegetables.

It was about salad,

which I wouldn't even eat if
it was dipped in frosting.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
What am I supposed to do?

I'm sorry, Ham, but it's time
to get your affairs in order

because tomorrow, you die.

All right, everyone, I have
just realized that the lasagna

has been in for 90 extra
minutes and is on fire,

so, let's extinguish it
and go out for pizza.

Desperate to get to
their pudding pack.

- Pack. Pack. Pack.
- "Now That's What Guy Calls Music."

- Music. Music. Music.
- Wouldn't even eat if it was dipped in frosting.

I know what I have to do.

Um, so, uh, today,

I will be telling you about
Alaska's coastlines...

- Boo!
- So long, brother.

As shown on these

cupcakes I made!

Everyone gets six.

Six whole cupcakes that you will
get to eat during my speech.

Now we're talking.

You son of a bitch.
You cracked it.

Are you really giving each
of my students six cupcakes?

Yep. And in ten minutes
it'll be your problem.

But for now, their
mouths are too full

to say a word, so...

Alaska: Wow!

Our great state has the longest
coastline in the nation.

♪ When it comes to
setting tables ♪

♪ There's one man
who knows his stuff ♪

♪ The proper placement
of a salad knife ♪

♪ A meal time stud,
the king of cups ♪

♪ Unrivaled use of
charger plates ♪

- ♪ Knows which glass is
for wine ♪ - ♪ That one ♪

♪ Just give that man a call and
he'll make that table fine ♪

- ♪ It's Ham ♪
- ♪ Ham ♪

♪ The Lone Moose king
of cups, it's Ham ♪

- ♪ Ham ♪
- ♪ Sit down to eat ♪

♪ And watch him
strut, it's Ham ♪

- ♪ Ham ♪
- ♪ This kid has got the grease ♪

♪ He's better at
setting tables than ♪

♪ That candle from the
Beauty and the Beast. ♪

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