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Can't we just go home?

If I gotta drag you to the doctor
at 8 in the morning...

...you can cool your jets
while I get coffee.

I must look like an idiot.

Wish I could tell you different.

You're the reason we went
to the eye doctor in the first place.

You said,
"Throw me a piece of toast."

I threw you a piece of toast.

Two cups of regular coffee, please.

- My treat.
- Oh, that makes up for everything.

Pigeons can feed out of my eye socket,
but I get a free cup of coffee.

Just the coffee. Keep the change.

I'm gonna need your help
until I get this patch off.

I am absolutely there for you.

Great.

Great. So...

So you'll drive me to work,
pick me up, get Jake at school...

...do the grocery shopping...
- Okay, I may have misspoken.

Charlie, you have to.
You know I can't drive.

I don't see why not.

- Oh, look who's here.
- Who?

A girl I used to go out with.
Over there.

Hey, Sherri.

- Hey, Charlie, long time.
- Yeah. Good to see you.

- This is my brother, Alan.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- What happened to your eye?

Well, I wanted
a piece of toast, and...

Bar fight.

- Nice to meet you.
- Well, nice meeting you too.

- Good to see you, Charlie.
- Good to see you too.

- Wow, you went out with her?
- Yep.

Why would you stop?

I don't remember.
I probably got bored.

Bored? How do you
get bored with that?

For every beautiful woman,
there's at least one guy out there...

...who's tired of pretending to listen
to her in exchange for sex.

Well, let me go on record as saying,
I am not that guy.

If I ever had a woman like that,
I would cherish her.

I would worship her. I would...

...start a small country and put her
face on a stamp so I could lick her head.

- Why don't you go talk to her.
- Yeah, right.

Gorgeous women like that are
not interested in pasty guys like me...

...unless we're in line
for the British throne.

- So you give up without even trying?
- Yep. That's my motto.

Why waste time on 10s when you're
already getting rejected by sixes?

Alan, listen to me. You are a smart,
sensitive, good-Iooking man...

...with some milky discharge
coming out of one eye...

...but who amongst us is perfect?

That's the other thing.
Look at me. I'm a mess.

So? Women like Sherri have big,
hunky guys hitting on them all day long.

A guy like you walks up, makes a move,
you know what that says to her?

Trick or treat?

It says, "I'm confident in who I am."

- You think?
- I know.

So, what if she's not interested.
What's the worst that could happen?

Actually, the worst that could happen
is she points at me...

...and laughs, causing every
seventh grader in the cafeteria to turn...

...and watch me slink back
to the geek table...

...with a growing wet spot
on the front of my chinos.

We ninth graders enjoyed it also.

But you're not in junior high anymore,
and you're not a...

You're not in junior high anymore.

- It's time to let go of those fears.
- I don't know.

Oh, come on, Alan.

For once in your life, don't settle.
Go for what you really want.

You know what? You're right.
I'm gonna go talk to her.

Hold on.

Let's clean some of that discharge.

You wanna say "I'm confident,"
not "I'm infectious."

There. Go get her.

Hey, you see that guy over there?
Twenty bucks says he wets himself.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- Alan?
- I remember.

Look, I needed to come clean
about something.

I wasn't actually in a bar fight.

I took a piece of whole-wheat toast
to the eye.

I mean, it was cut diagonally
and toasted well...

...so it was essentially shrapnel.

Did some real damage.

I see. And why do you feel the need
to tell me all this?

Well, I guess I didn't want
our relationship to start on a lie.

Our relationship?

- I'll go now.
- No, no, wait.

Sit down. Join me.

Okay.

- That's it. I'm out.
- Oh, come on.

No, no, no. No more.

You got a date. Leave it alone.

Not just a date. A date with...

Enough.

- I'd think you'd be happy for me.
- I am happy for you.

You had the courage to walk over...

...with your pus-filled eye
and fall on your ass...

...and still got a date with one of
the most beautiful women I've ever met.

- I'm not only happy for you, I'm proud.
- Thank you.

Now, I have to re-evaluate
everything I thought I knew...

...about men, women, relationships,
God and the universe.

But that's not your problem.

Charlie, I am as surprised as you
that she said yes.

I don't think so.

I was really intimidated, but as it turns
out, she's just like a regular person...

...except for, you know,
being from the planet:

Alan, never do that around me again.

You know, actually,
we have a lot in common.

Okay. I'll bite.

Well, we both went through
tough divorces.

- Sherri was married?
- You didn't know that?

- It never came up.
- What did come up?

Never mind. Scratch that.

Where should
I take her to dinner?

Where did you go
so I can take her somewhere else?

Last thing you want is for her
to start comparing you to me.

Exactly.

Wait.

What do you mean?

You want your relationship
to stand on its own.

- Right.
- Well, that's what I meant.

Okay. I thought you were trying to rub
my nose in the fact that you dated her.

Alan, I would never do that.

Well, thank you.

I don't have to.

You think you could kill a guy
with a piece of toast?

No.

Because if you did,
you could eat the toast.

The police would never find the
weapon. It's the perfect crime.

And part of a nutritious breakfast.

Okay, guys, I guess I'll see you later.

Where you going?

- Out for dinner.
- With who?

Jake, look, I think...

I think you're old enough to know
that your dad's not just a dad.

He's also a man and that...

...even though I'm not married
to your mom...

...I still enjoy the company of women...

...which means that I will
occasionally go out with one.

But the important thing
for you to understand...

...is that I am not trying to
replace your mother.

In fact, no one
can replace your mother.

I bet you could kill a guy
with a piece of bacon.

All right, then.
I'm glad we had this talk.

I'm gonna go post my plan
on the Internet.

You know, there's moments
around here...

...that make me wish
I had a son of my own.

That wasn't one of them.

Yeah, well. Anyway, I really
appreciate you watching him tonight.

No problem.

- How you getting to the restaurant?
- Sherri's picking me up.

- Very convenient.
- Why?

Because she's been here before?
Been here with you?

Because you've had sex with her
in every room in the house?

No, because you can't drive.

But it's interesting to see
how your mind works.

Alan, let me give you some advice.

Alcohol impairs your ability
to make good decisions.

We don't want you to lose that ability.
We want her to.

Of course. Very good.

What else?

Well, women like Sherri already know
they're beautiful and desirable.

- You won't score points by telling her.
- Okay.

Don't be in a hurry
to spill your guts.

She doesn't need your life story...

...before you get the salad.
- Got it.

As someone who knows your life story,
I'd say she doesn't need to hear it at all.

Right, right.
I'll be cool, aloof, distant.

She's here, she's here, she's here!

What about the... What... What...

What about the kiss goodnight?

- Should I ask or just go for it?
- Go for it.

Don't wait until the last minute.
It creates pressure.

- Get it out of the way early.
- How early?

After dinner,
when you walk to the car...

...open her door, wait for her
to say thank you...

...smile, lean in, and kiss her.

Oh, nice.

Hi, Alan. You ready?

You're the most beautiful woman
I've ever seen, and I don't deserve you.

That's another way to go.

- Madam.
- Thank you.

- Sir.
- Oh, thank you.

- Would you like the wine list?
- No.

I'll have the Woodbridge Pinot Noir.
Or should we get a bottle?

Oh, definitely get a bottle.

Coffee for me.

You know, Sherri, I'd really like
to see more of you.

Maybe we should wait
and see how tonight goes.

No, I mean, I've only got one good eye.
Could we change places?

Oh, sure.

- Are you okay?
- Oh, yes, yes. Fine.

- This is a nice place.
- Yeah.

It's my favorite.

You ever come here with Charlie?

I don't know. Probably.

He's a big steak-eater.

I'm more of a fish guy.
You know, I'm surf, he's turf.

And we're cops.

- You're very cute.
- You too.

All right.
So tell me about yourself.

Well, there's not a lot to tell.

I was San Fernando Valley
Chiropractor of the Year...

...if you follow that kind of thing.

Recently divorced.

But not too recently. I've already had
my rebound, transitional relationships.

- So no worries there.
- Good to know.

Actually, it wasn't so much
a relationship...

...as a case of mistaken identity,
but I think it still counts.

- Okay.
- And...

...as you know, I live with Charlie...

...whom you've already...

- Met?
- Yeah, let's go with met.

Alan, is my having dated Charlie
gonna be a problem for you?

No, no, no. A little.

Okay, look. Charlie and l...

We had a very brief,
superficial relationship.

Okay? And to be honest,
it was mostly about sex.

Great.

My point is, yeah, I'm tired of those,
those shallow relationships...

...I was having with guys like Charlie.

I wanna be with a man who can be
sensitive and caring, nurturing.

You know, somebody who can
make me laugh, make me think.

You do realize I'm straight, right?

- See, you really are adorable.
- Thank you.

I tend to bring out
the mothering instinct in women.

- Oh, really?
- Ironically, not my mother.

What the hell are you doing?

Check it out. Ninja death toast.

Okay, stop it, stop it.

You're in no position
to give orders, Mr. Harper.

- Morning.
- Morning.

- Death toast?
- Oh, thank you.

- So how did it go last night?
- Fine.

That's it? Fine?

Charlie, we're not in high school
anymore. I'm not gonna go into detail.

- Okay, don't tell me.
- Jake, go watch TV.

- I'm still hungry.
- There's bread all over the living room.

All right.

- Well?
- It went great.

She said I'm adorable. She thinks I'm
nurturing, caring and sensitive.

- I'm exactly what she's looking for.
- She's looking for a half-blind sheepdog?

She invited me to her house
for dinner tonight.

- I think she wants to have sex.
- With who?

- With me.
- With you.

Hang on a second.

Nope. No snowballs reported in hell.

No sightings of flying pigs.

- What am I gonna do?
- You don't know?

Come on, Alan,
you were married for 12 years.

What does marriage
have to do with sex?

Point taken.
Okay, you want some tips?

No, no, nothing like that.

I need step-by-step instructions.

All right. Since this is your
first bout in this weight class...

...I'd say stick with the basics.

Better to do the simple stuff well
than the fancy stuff badly.

Got it.
And the simple stuff would be...

Well, you know how women
like you to go slow?

Really? My ex-wife put
a premium on brevity.

Her motto was, " Less is more,
and none is perfect."

Well, Sherri's not like that.
You're gonna wanna take your time.

- I can do that.
- But don't loiter either.

You don't want her to get bored
and play solitaire on your head.

No loitering. Got it.

- Something else?
- Okay.

When you're with a woman like Sherri,
who's so gosh-darn beautiful...

...that you get excited
just thinking about her...

...how do you keep the sprinklers from
going off while you're still mowing?

Let me make sure I understand.

You wanna keep your toothpaste
in the tube until you're done brushing.

What are you talking about?

- What are you talking about?
- Okay, okay. Let me try again.

I don't wanna frost the cake
while I'm still mixing the batter.

I don't get it.
She must have lost a bet.

- Excuse me?
- Nothing.

All right. Here's what you do.

When you feel like the train
is leaving the station...

You mean, going in the tunnel?

No, no, I mean leaving the station.

But you have to leave the station
to get to the tunnel.

Okay, okay.

Let's start from the top.

And work our way down, right?

You know what?
Just shut up and listen.

When you're making love,
the way to slow yourself down is...

...to think of something
completely non-sexual.

- Well, what do you think of?
- You.

That was a really great dinner.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.
You ready for dessert?

I've been ready since I was 14.

I'll be back.
Why don't you put some music on.

Okay.

Hey, how about Diana Krall?

Oh, actually, that's your brother's CD.
Do you mind bringing it back to him?

Not at all.

I think I have one of his T-shirts.
You might as well take that too.

No problem.

Hey, this is a cool, little CD player.

Oh, thanks. It was a gift from your...
It was a gift.

Perfect.

Is there anything else
Charlie left behind?

Just me.

My brother's a fool.

No argument here.

- That is a very effective negligée.
- Thank you.

- Was it a gift?
- No.

- As a matter of fact, I bought it myself.
- Oh, good.

- How long ago?
- What?

Well, I was just wondering
if Charlie saw it.

Alan, don't go there.

Oh, I wasn't going anywhere.
It's just that...

- Nothing. More kissing.
- Okay, okay.

What exactly is bothering you?

Well, it's kind of hard to explain.

For example, once,
when Charlie and I were at camp...

...I lost my swim trunks, and I had
to wear an old pair of Charlie's, and...

...I just couldn't enjoy
the pool at all.

So, what are you saying?
I'm a pair of used swim trunks?

No, no. In this case,
I think you would be the pool.

Maybe this was a bad idea.

No, no, it's a great idea.
It's right up there...

...with the wheel, fire and refrigerators
that give ice through the door.

- Sorry. I don't wanna do this anymore.
- What? Why?

You can't be with me without it being
some competition with your brother.

It's not a competition.

And even it was, shouldn't we do it
first before you decide who wins?

You are unbelievable.

- That could be taken a couple of ways.
- Get out.

Well, no ambiguity there.

Don't forget your brother's CD.

My eye!

Man, I love sunsets.

The way the sky is streaked with color.
It's amazing.

It's the pollution that makes
those pretty colors, you know.

What you're enjoying is the effect
of light passing through airborne poison.

No, that's not
what I'm really enjoying.

Boy, I hope that's guacamole.

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[ENGLISH]