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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:02,884 --> 00:00:06,408 Some side effects include headaches, blurred vision, and high blood pressure. 2 00:00:06,573 --> 00:00:08,968 Ask your doctor if it's right for you. 3 00:00:09,140 --> 00:00:10,862 - Dad? - Yeah? 4 00:00:11,024 --> 00:00:14,149 Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction? 5 00:00:16,719 --> 00:00:18,554 Well, Alan? Do you? 6 00:00:20,328 --> 00:00:24,810 Jake, wh... What do you know about erectile dysfunction? 7 00:00:25,019 --> 00:00:27,175 It's something to do with your penis, right? 8 00:00:27,385 --> 00:00:29,666 - Right. - And they say one out of three guys... 9 00:00:29,832 --> 00:00:33,276 ...gets it, and mine's fine, so it's gotta be one of you. 10 00:00:35,726 --> 00:00:37,927 - I'm fine. - Not me, l... 11 00:00:38,373 --> 00:00:40,369 So, what are the pills for? 12 00:00:40,538 --> 00:00:44,223 Well, what they do, Jake, is that they... They dilate the blood vessels... 13 00:00:44,388 --> 00:00:48,072 ...which allows more blood to easily flow to certain... 14 00:00:48,278 --> 00:00:49,954 They're boner pills, Jake. 15 00:00:52,448 --> 00:00:54,604 To get them, or to make them go away? 16 00:00:54,774 --> 00:00:56,416 To get them. Go get ready for bed. 17 00:00:56,619 --> 00:00:59,298 What's the point? They're not good for anything. 18 00:01:02,393 --> 00:01:03,955 You ever try any of those drugs? 19 00:01:04,158 --> 00:01:07,077 Once or twice. Out of curiosity, not necessity. 20 00:01:07,967 --> 00:01:09,928 - What did you think? - Not my thing. 21 00:01:10,092 --> 00:01:14,176 It's like corking the bat. You? 22 00:01:14,343 --> 00:01:18,951 Yeah, that's what my ex-wife wanted. More sex with me that lasted longer. 23 00:01:22,483 --> 00:01:27,205 Hello. Oh, hey, Eric. Hiya. What's happening, boyfriend? 24 00:01:27,416 --> 00:01:30,814 Oh, you're terrible. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? 25 00:01:30,985 --> 00:01:34,874 So, what's up? Saturday? Let me check my book. 26 00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:40,126 Saturday is marvelous. 27 00:01:40,448 --> 00:01:45,136 How dressy? Eveningwear, or California casual? 28 00:01:45,421 --> 00:01:48,819 Oh, goody. An excuse to shop. Like I need one. 29 00:01:48,990 --> 00:01:52,070 Okey-dokey, artichokey. Ciao for now. 30 00:01:56,890 --> 00:01:58,886 - What? - Something you wanna tell me? 31 00:01:59,256 --> 00:02:02,415 That? Oh, that's Eric. He's the head of a big ad agency. 32 00:02:02,584 --> 00:02:05,709 - Throws a lot of jingle work my way. - He wouldn't be gay, would he? 33 00:02:05,912 --> 00:02:08,479 What difference does it make? A person's sexuality... 34 00:02:08,639 --> 00:02:11,844 ...is a personal thing. It has no relevance in the business world. 35 00:02:12,008 --> 00:02:14,893 - But he is gay. - Oh, yeah. 36 00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:18,301 You know, it's okay to call them queer again. 37 00:02:18,945 --> 00:02:20,941 Good to know. Good to know. 38 00:02:21,110 --> 00:02:25,079 Would it fair to assume that you've led him to believe that... 39 00:02:25,241 --> 00:02:27,202 ...you are of a similar persuasion? 40 00:02:27,406 --> 00:02:31,695 Not deliberately. I kind of sort of backed into it. 41 00:02:31,897 --> 00:02:35,421 - Excuse me? - Okay. Poor choice of words. 42 00:02:36,349 --> 00:02:40,671 When we first met, I found myself falling into his... What do you call it? 43 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:42,202 Futon? 44 00:02:42,364 --> 00:02:44,884 No, no, his manner of expressing himself. 45 00:02:45,050 --> 00:02:47,331 Tone, gestures. Like talking to a Southerner... 46 00:02:47,496 --> 00:02:51,705 ...you start saying "y'all" and "grits" and "tobaccy." 47 00:02:51,867 --> 00:02:53,669 - Oh, Charlie. - It's harmless. 48 00:02:53,832 --> 00:02:56,558 He throws me work. I want him to feel comfortable with me. 49 00:02:56,880 --> 00:03:00,244 And how far do you go to make him feel comfortable? 50 00:03:00,449 --> 00:03:04,246 Don't worry. I just sparkle a little bit. I don't burst into flames. 51 00:03:05,662 --> 00:03:10,224 - I don't know how you live with yourself. - Actually, I don't live with myself. 52 00:03:10,434 --> 00:03:12,475 I have a significant other. 53 00:03:13,562 --> 00:03:14,839 - What? - We're both invited... 54 00:03:15,005 --> 00:03:16,921 ...to a cocktail party Saturday night. 55 00:03:18,213 --> 00:03:19,696 What? 56 00:03:27,196 --> 00:03:29,317 - No. Absolutely not. - Oh, come on. 57 00:03:29,482 --> 00:03:31,397 You always complain we don't hang out. 58 00:03:31,607 --> 00:03:34,492 I didn't mean I wanted to date you. 59 00:03:34,695 --> 00:03:37,854 You don't think I'm gonna go to a gay cocktail party stag, do you? 60 00:03:38,023 --> 00:03:39,379 The way I sparkle? 61 00:03:39,587 --> 00:03:42,552 I'm not going to be your gay lover so you can make a few bucks. 62 00:03:42,755 --> 00:03:46,073 Okay, first of all, it's considerably more than a few bucks. 63 00:03:46,284 --> 00:03:49,328 This man was responsible for almost half my income last year. 64 00:03:49,492 --> 00:03:52,377 And that's the half I didn't gamble away. 65 00:03:52,539 --> 00:03:54,615 And second of all, you're not just my lover... 66 00:03:54,785 --> 00:03:57,465 ...you're my life partner. That makes you special. 67 00:03:57,672 --> 00:04:00,957 Forget it. It's immoral and deceitful, and I don't want any part of it. 68 00:04:01,121 --> 00:04:03,721 What's the big deal? Gay people pretend to be straight. 69 00:04:03,928 --> 00:04:05,570 They don't wanna be discriminated. 70 00:04:05,773 --> 00:04:09,742 And neither do I. The minute this guy finds out I'm a breeder, I'm history. 71 00:04:10,384 --> 00:04:13,668 I don't care. If you wanna engage in a fraudulent escapade... 72 00:04:13,873 --> 00:04:16,473 ...have one of your oafish poker buddies be your partner. 73 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:20,044 You see? You see? Right there. Escapade. Oafish. 74 00:04:20,209 --> 00:04:22,969 What poker buddy of mine talks like that? 75 00:04:23,136 --> 00:04:26,136 But you, a couple of squirts of Paco Rabanne, you're good to go. 76 00:04:26,785 --> 00:04:28,907 Having a reasonable command of English... 77 00:04:29,071 --> 00:04:31,386 ...isn't the exclusive domain of the gay community. 78 00:04:31,557 --> 00:04:34,397 Listen to you. You're just making my point. 79 00:04:34,565 --> 00:04:36,960 Forget it. You're asking too much. 80 00:04:37,131 --> 00:04:39,206 Oh, really? 81 00:04:39,377 --> 00:04:43,825 Was it too much when you showed up on my doorstep, looking for a place? 82 00:04:43,988 --> 00:04:45,711 - Charlie. - Too much when I took in... 83 00:04:45,873 --> 00:04:48,633 ...your son on weekends and holidays? - This isn't fair. 84 00:04:48,841 --> 00:04:51,155 Too much when I set up a college fund for Jake? 85 00:04:51,367 --> 00:04:54,207 - You set up a college fund for Jake? - You bet I will. 86 00:04:55,016 --> 00:04:58,016 Unless, of course, my income were to suddenly decline. 87 00:04:58,224 --> 00:05:00,379 I can't believe you would sink so low. 88 00:05:00,550 --> 00:05:02,990 To actually use emotional and financial blackmail... 89 00:05:03,197 --> 00:05:04,553 - You're both in my will. - Really? 90 00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:06,163 First thing Monday. 91 00:05:08,530 --> 00:05:10,526 All right. But I want it on the record... 92 00:05:10,695 --> 00:05:12,691 ...I'm doing this under protest. - Noted. 93 00:05:12,861 --> 00:05:15,016 If we're gonna be a couple, I'm the husband. 94 00:05:15,748 --> 00:05:17,789 Well, who's gonna believe you're the husband? 95 00:05:17,994 --> 00:05:20,560 Of the two of us, I'm the only one who's been a husband. 96 00:05:20,761 --> 00:05:23,601 You really thought you were the husband in your marriage? 97 00:05:25,532 --> 00:05:30,904 Nevertheless, I'm going to be the husband in this one. 98 00:05:33,994 --> 00:05:35,910 Well, la-di-da. 99 00:05:38,886 --> 00:05:41,007 - Thanks for babysitting, Rose. - My pleasure. 100 00:05:41,172 --> 00:05:42,814 Where are you guys going? 101 00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:44,538 To a little party. 102 00:05:44,941 --> 00:05:47,461 And you're taking Alan instead of a date? 103 00:05:47,628 --> 00:05:50,148 Yeah, well, funny story about that. 104 00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:52,915 Okay, let's get this over with. 105 00:05:54,806 --> 00:05:56,402 You're wearing that? 106 00:05:56,570 --> 00:05:58,771 What's wrong with it? You liked it in the store. 107 00:05:58,976 --> 00:06:00,572 It looked different in the store. 108 00:06:01,904 --> 00:06:04,378 Well, it was on sale. I can't return it. 109 00:06:05,112 --> 00:06:08,077 - Dad, can we order pizza for dinner? - No. Eat something healthy. 110 00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:09,882 You want me to change, just tell me. 111 00:06:10,084 --> 00:06:11,646 - Don't change. - You don't like it. 112 00:06:11,849 --> 00:06:13,890 I didn't say that. 113 00:06:14,094 --> 00:06:15,690 I think you look very nice, Alan. 114 00:06:15,899 --> 00:06:18,704 Thank you. See? That's all I needed to hear. 115 00:06:18,906 --> 00:06:22,305 - Well, you heard it. Now, come on. - You know, I'm only doing this for you. 116 00:06:22,475 --> 00:06:24,597 - I know. - Could you show a little appreciation? 117 00:06:24,761 --> 00:06:26,961 How about I show you a little smack on the head? 118 00:06:27,127 --> 00:06:29,967 That's your answer for everything, isn't it? 119 00:06:30,856 --> 00:06:32,133 What is that about? 120 00:06:32,300 --> 00:06:35,744 I don't know, but one of them suffers from erectile dysfunction. 121 00:06:37,433 --> 00:06:39,668 Dad said we could order a pizza. 122 00:06:42,165 --> 00:06:46,453 Would you please not walk so far in front of me? I'm not your concubine. 123 00:06:46,616 --> 00:06:47,893 I'm sorry. 124 00:06:48,099 --> 00:06:50,095 What, are you ashamed of me? 125 00:06:51,107 --> 00:06:52,384 A little bit. 126 00:06:59,087 --> 00:07:01,892 Oh, boy. Charlie, we need to talk. 127 00:07:02,094 --> 00:07:04,455 For the last time, you look stunning. 128 00:07:04,661 --> 00:07:06,736 No, we... We need to get our stories straight. 129 00:07:06,907 --> 00:07:08,503 - What stories? - We're a couple. 130 00:07:08,671 --> 00:07:10,907 How long have we been together? How did we meet? 131 00:07:11,117 --> 00:07:14,435 Okay, fine. I met you in Thailand and bought you from a guy. 132 00:07:15,207 --> 00:07:18,686 I'm serious. If we're gonna pull this off, we need to be convincing. 133 00:07:18,856 --> 00:07:20,932 A favorite song? Cute names for each other? 134 00:07:21,102 --> 00:07:24,021 I mean, I don't even know if we're dog people or cat people. 135 00:07:24,230 --> 00:07:28,438 I forgot to tell you: The guy I bought you from had your vocal chords removed. 136 00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:33,444 - Charlie. I'm so glad you could make it. - Oh, please. How could I not? 137 00:07:33,654 --> 00:07:36,049 And you must be Alan. Welcome. 138 00:07:36,220 --> 00:07:38,136 I'm the husband. 139 00:07:38,706 --> 00:07:41,466 No, he's not. Stop saying that. 140 00:07:41,634 --> 00:07:45,032 Listen to you two ladies. Come on. I'll get you a drink. 141 00:07:45,202 --> 00:07:46,798 Appletinis. 142 00:07:47,007 --> 00:07:48,923 So how did you lovebirds meet? 143 00:07:54,225 --> 00:07:56,745 Funny you should ask. We were at the Coffee Bean... 144 00:07:56,912 --> 00:08:01,839 ...you know, the one in Larchmont Village, where the pastries are to die for. 145 00:08:02,005 --> 00:08:05,289 Anyway, we both ordered a soy latte... 146 00:08:05,453 --> 00:08:11,179 ...when the first one came up, we both reached for it, and our hands touched. 147 00:08:12,070 --> 00:08:14,145 Oh, that is so romantic. 148 00:08:14,356 --> 00:08:17,480 Yeah, it was one of those moments that seems to go on forever. 149 00:08:17,644 --> 00:08:19,161 Like this one. 150 00:08:19,368 --> 00:08:21,569 - Are you starting? - No. 151 00:08:21,774 --> 00:08:25,013 Because I swear to God, I will walk out that door and get in a cab. 152 00:08:26,706 --> 00:08:29,706 - I'm sorry. - I'm sorry, what? 153 00:08:30,075 --> 00:08:32,311 I'm sorry... 154 00:08:32,481 --> 00:08:34,317 ...pookie. 155 00:08:34,847 --> 00:08:36,283 Finish your story, Alan. 156 00:08:36,611 --> 00:08:40,056 Well, okay. So... So there we are... 157 00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:45,227 ...our hands are touching, and we look into each other's eyes... 158 00:08:45,393 --> 00:08:48,838 ...this one panics, spills coffee over one of his hideous bowling shirts. 159 00:08:49,042 --> 00:08:52,600 The only gay man in America who dresses like Ralph Kramden. 160 00:08:53,333 --> 00:08:55,249 To the moon, Alan. 161 00:08:55,418 --> 00:09:00,140 Anyhoo, so I took him back to my condo to "hand wash his shirt"... 162 00:09:00,311 --> 00:09:02,466 ...and, abracadabra, hocus-pocus, here we are. 163 00:09:02,677 --> 00:09:06,200 - That's a delicious story. - Yeah, isn't it yummy? 164 00:09:08,010 --> 00:09:14,499 Yeah, it kills me every time. 165 00:09:18,957 --> 00:09:21,524 There's someone you just have to meet. Don't go away. 166 00:09:21,684 --> 00:09:23,759 Okey-dokey, artichokey. 167 00:09:24,812 --> 00:09:28,017 You've gotta pull back a little. You're gonna set off the smoke alarm. 168 00:09:28,221 --> 00:09:30,616 - What do you mean? - I mean, if you flame any more... 169 00:09:30,787 --> 00:09:32,543 ...you'll light the drapes on fire. 170 00:09:32,752 --> 00:09:34,873 What about you? "Okey-dokey, artichokey"? 171 00:09:35,038 --> 00:09:37,478 What are you, the Jolly Gay Giant? 172 00:09:37,644 --> 00:09:41,647 I want you both to meet someone very special to me. Charlie, Alan... 173 00:09:41,815 --> 00:09:44,974 ...this is my very patient and very forgiving ex-wife, Pamela. 174 00:09:45,183 --> 00:09:47,099 - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you. 175 00:09:47,308 --> 00:09:49,304 Hi. Wow, you were married? 176 00:09:49,514 --> 00:09:51,715 It was before I'd gotten a grip on my sexuality. 177 00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:54,440 But not before you got a grip on my cousin Walt. 178 00:09:56,131 --> 00:09:58,206 Well, I can see why you gave marriage a shot. 179 00:09:58,376 --> 00:10:00,850 Pamela, you are a breathtakingly beautiful woman. 180 00:10:01,063 --> 00:10:02,739 Why, thank you, Charlie. 181 00:10:02,908 --> 00:10:06,032 Why do all the cute ones have to be married or gay? 182 00:10:06,196 --> 00:10:09,480 Back off, sister. I caught this fish. 183 00:10:15,178 --> 00:10:19,900 - Gonna tell me what's bothering you? - Lf you don't know, no point discussing. 184 00:10:20,111 --> 00:10:21,593 Fine. 185 00:10:23,078 --> 00:10:24,674 You ignored me the whole night. 186 00:10:26,447 --> 00:10:29,092 A party where I don't know anyone, and you abandoned me. 187 00:10:29,294 --> 00:10:31,768 Alan, listen closely. 188 00:10:31,940 --> 00:10:34,507 It wasn't a real date. 189 00:10:35,589 --> 00:10:37,904 Not the point. I was stuck playing truth or dare... 190 00:10:38,076 --> 00:10:40,995 ...with your friend Eric and nine producers from Will & Grace... 191 00:10:41,163 --> 00:10:44,083 ...while you had a wonderful time talking to his hot ex-wife. 192 00:10:44,291 --> 00:10:46,287 - I was just being polite. - Oh, please. 193 00:10:46,457 --> 00:10:49,855 - I saw the way you were looking at her. - What, I can't look? 194 00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:52,266 Not when you're supposed to be with me. 195 00:10:52,472 --> 00:10:54,468 How many appletinis did you drink tonight? 196 00:10:54,677 --> 00:10:57,802 Never you mind about that. So... So, what are you gonna do? 197 00:10:57,966 --> 00:11:01,284 Out yourself as a straight man so you can sleep with your little Pamela? 198 00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:04,699 No, no. That would mess everything up with Eric. 199 00:11:05,424 --> 00:11:07,625 Unless I convince him... 200 00:11:07,790 --> 00:11:10,790 ...that she temporarily flipped me back to the home team. 201 00:11:10,998 --> 00:11:13,119 Oh, if you're gonna go, just go. 202 00:11:13,284 --> 00:11:16,283 Alan, eat something. Toast, a waffle. Anything absorbent. 203 00:11:16,492 --> 00:11:18,374 Don't blame this on the liquor. 204 00:11:19,219 --> 00:11:21,454 Okay, here's what I can do. 205 00:11:21,625 --> 00:11:23,541 She and I are going shopping tomorrow. 206 00:11:23,710 --> 00:11:26,470 I'll tell her I'm bisexual, and then make my move. 207 00:11:26,677 --> 00:11:28,320 So you're gonna cheat on me? 208 00:11:28,522 --> 00:11:29,959 No, that's not cheating. 209 00:11:30,166 --> 00:11:33,804 - How do you figure? - Because we're not really gay. 210 00:11:34,297 --> 00:11:37,137 Then how can you be bi? 211 00:11:39,590 --> 00:11:41,346 Shut up. 212 00:11:45,805 --> 00:11:48,166 Okay, well, good night. 213 00:11:48,372 --> 00:11:52,375 - Aren't you gonna ask? - No. Jake told me. 214 00:11:57,314 --> 00:11:59,436 Oh, this is a cute top. 215 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:02,519 I'm more a bottom man myself. 216 00:12:02,688 --> 00:12:05,128 I'll bet you are. 217 00:12:08,141 --> 00:12:09,703 - Too slutty? - Haven't you heard? 218 00:12:09,866 --> 00:12:11,907 Slutty is the new black. 219 00:12:12,071 --> 00:12:14,227 Oh, you. 220 00:12:14,878 --> 00:12:19,725 Is there some special, young vagina enthusiast you'll be taking that off for? 221 00:12:19,931 --> 00:12:22,736 I wish. Can you keep a little secret? 222 00:12:22,938 --> 00:12:24,934 I'm keeping a big one right now. 223 00:12:25,144 --> 00:12:27,618 I haven't been with a man in almost a year. 224 00:12:27,831 --> 00:12:30,431 Oh, no. Color me sympathetic. 225 00:12:30,638 --> 00:12:33,717 I don't miss dating. That's lies and pretense. I do miss the sex. 226 00:12:33,926 --> 00:12:38,807 Really? Well, what, specifically, do you miss? And tell me slowly. 227 00:12:39,700 --> 00:12:43,589 The feel of a man's hot breath on the back of my neck. 228 00:12:43,751 --> 00:12:47,435 His rough hands pulling me to him and just taking me. 229 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,961 Of course, I don't need to tell you. 230 00:12:50,969 --> 00:12:53,695 No, but I'm so glad you did. 231 00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:57,380 Isn't it funny that I can only be this honest with a gay man? 232 00:12:57,545 --> 00:12:59,427 Yeah, it's a riot. 233 00:12:59,831 --> 00:13:03,720 Straight men only want one thing, and they'll tell any number of lies to get it. 234 00:13:03,921 --> 00:13:06,761 - The dogs. - Straight women are so competitive... 235 00:13:06,929 --> 00:13:08,970 ...they'll use anything you say against you. 236 00:13:09,174 --> 00:13:11,056 The bitches. 237 00:13:11,260 --> 00:13:14,544 Gay women only want one thing, and they'll lie worse than straight men. 238 00:13:14,748 --> 00:13:16,709 Strange, because they've already got it. 239 00:13:16,914 --> 00:13:19,434 Oh, you, come here. 240 00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:24,083 Oh, that's the other thing about gay men. You're so hilarious. 241 00:13:24,252 --> 00:13:27,012 Yeah, we're like clowns who smell nice. 242 00:13:29,184 --> 00:13:31,100 You know, these are pretty. 243 00:13:34,237 --> 00:13:37,955 It's pretty sheer. Eric hated it when he could see my nipples. That a gay thing? 244 00:13:38,287 --> 00:13:42,655 Well, I can't speak for the community, but I myself am nutty for nipples. 245 00:13:42,859 --> 00:13:44,455 Let's try it on. 246 00:13:44,623 --> 00:13:46,140 Okey-dokey, artichokey. 247 00:13:47,791 --> 00:13:49,787 All right. Hold this. 248 00:13:49,956 --> 00:13:51,633 Okay. 249 00:13:51,801 --> 00:13:53,842 What do you think? With or without the bra? 250 00:13:54,889 --> 00:13:57,124 I don't know. You're the one with nipple issues. 251 00:13:57,335 --> 00:13:59,901 All right, then. Without. 252 00:14:00,343 --> 00:14:02,738 Yes. Definitely without. 253 00:14:03,270 --> 00:14:04,706 Am I starting to sag? 254 00:14:06,197 --> 00:14:08,353 What... I'm sorry, were you talking to me? 255 00:14:08,563 --> 00:14:10,159 Am I hanging a bit low? 256 00:14:10,368 --> 00:14:13,766 I don't know. Go like this: 257 00:14:14,378 --> 00:14:17,297 - Now go like this: - Stop it. Give me the blouse. 258 00:14:19,110 --> 00:14:20,626 I am a woman, Charles. 259 00:14:20,794 --> 00:14:22,755 - Wanna see my nipples? - No. 260 00:14:22,959 --> 00:14:24,716 Why not? You made me look at yours. 261 00:14:24,884 --> 00:14:28,168 God, you are so frisky. How does Alan ever put up with you? 262 00:14:28,373 --> 00:14:30,528 How does his mother put up with him? 263 00:14:30,739 --> 00:14:32,175 Oh, boy. 264 00:14:32,383 --> 00:14:36,625 Charles, didn't I ask you to confine your debauchery to outlet stores? 265 00:14:36,834 --> 00:14:40,392 Pamela, this is my mother, Evelyn. Mom, this is Pamela. 266 00:14:40,563 --> 00:14:44,282 - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you. Your son is adorable. 267 00:14:44,453 --> 00:14:47,293 That seems to be the conventional wisdom. 268 00:14:47,461 --> 00:14:51,065 I met him and his partner last night, but we immediately hit it off. 269 00:14:51,230 --> 00:14:53,990 - I'm sorry. His partner? - Alan, his lover. 270 00:14:54,197 --> 00:14:55,874 His lover? 271 00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,399 God, I'm not outing you, am I? 272 00:14:58,568 --> 00:15:02,537 Oh, no, no, no. Mom knows all about me and Alan. Right, Mom? 273 00:15:03,501 --> 00:15:08,063 Of course. Alan's almost like a son to me. 274 00:15:08,273 --> 00:15:12,561 My ex's parents were not supportive when he came out of the closet. 275 00:15:12,724 --> 00:15:15,609 Oh, what a shame. What does he do? 276 00:15:15,812 --> 00:15:18,252 He's in advertising. Charlie writes jingles for him. 277 00:15:18,458 --> 00:15:23,305 Oh, I see. One hand moisturizes the other. 278 00:15:25,757 --> 00:15:28,676 No, the only time Charlie was ever in the closet... 279 00:15:28,844 --> 00:15:32,083 ...was when he was a little boy trying on my hats and underwear... 280 00:15:32,253 --> 00:15:35,333 ...belting out the entire score of Hello, Dolly! 281 00:15:35,541 --> 00:15:38,108 It was Mame, Mom. 282 00:15:38,308 --> 00:15:42,231 In fact, if anything, his lifestyle has brought us even closer. 283 00:15:42,398 --> 00:15:44,872 We cook together, we shop together... 284 00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:49,014 ...we go to all kinds of parties and charity events together. 285 00:15:49,215 --> 00:15:53,617 Come to think of it, I have entered us in an Alzheimer's walkathon this Sunday. 286 00:15:53,787 --> 00:15:55,304 Sunday isn't really good for me. 287 00:15:55,471 --> 00:15:57,113 But you will be there anyway... 288 00:15:57,276 --> 00:16:03,560 ...because we support each other in all our little causes, and you love me. Right? 289 00:16:04,774 --> 00:16:06,291 Right. 290 00:16:06,739 --> 00:16:08,381 Say it. 291 00:16:11,752 --> 00:16:13,348 I love you, Mom. 292 00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:15,871 And I love you too. 293 00:16:16,043 --> 00:16:17,639 Eight a.m. Sunday. 294 00:16:17,807 --> 00:16:22,334 I'll buy us matching tracksuits. It'll be cute. 295 00:16:23,862 --> 00:16:26,508 - Lovely to meet you, Pamela. - Bye. 296 00:16:26,830 --> 00:16:30,799 If I didn't know you were gay, meeting your mother would've convinced me. 297 00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:33,925 Okay, that's it. I can't do this anymore. 298 00:16:34,088 --> 00:16:36,973 You can't stop shopping. I've gotta find you something slutty. 299 00:16:37,176 --> 00:16:39,456 I've already got something slutty in my pants. 300 00:16:39,662 --> 00:16:41,862 - You're terrible. - Pamela, listen to me. 301 00:16:42,068 --> 00:16:47,155 I'm not gay. I am completely, 100 percent, militantly heterosexual... 302 00:16:47,321 --> 00:16:51,370 ...and I find you incredibly attractive. - Okay. I understand. 303 00:16:51,572 --> 00:16:54,970 - You do? - Of course. I went through this with Eric. 304 00:16:55,141 --> 00:16:58,140 He wanted badly to be straight, and he suffered so much before... 305 00:16:58,308 --> 00:17:00,954 ...he was able to finally accept himself for who he is. 306 00:17:01,156 --> 00:17:04,874 Oh, no. I accept myself for who I am. I am a lying horndog. 307 00:17:05,045 --> 00:17:07,885 - Charlie. - Lf I were a straight man... 308 00:17:08,053 --> 00:17:10,619 ...would you find me attractive? - That's hypothetical. 309 00:17:10,780 --> 00:17:13,175 Play along. Humor me. If I were straight... 310 00:17:13,386 --> 00:17:14,982 I'd do you in a heartbeat. 311 00:17:15,191 --> 00:17:17,266 Oh, good. Come with me. 312 00:17:17,436 --> 00:17:20,082 Charlie, don't do this. You don't have to prove anything. 313 00:17:20,284 --> 00:17:22,199 Oh, but I do. 314 00:17:23,852 --> 00:17:25,688 Now, come here. 315 00:17:27,020 --> 00:17:29,335 You don't have to be straight to be a good kisser. 316 00:17:29,507 --> 00:17:32,712 I know, I know. Just wait. 317 00:17:36,003 --> 00:17:37,804 Well...? 318 00:17:38,970 --> 00:17:42,209 Give me a minute. I'm under some pressure here. I just saw my mother. 319 00:17:42,379 --> 00:17:44,500 Would it help if you thought of Alan? 320 00:17:44,665 --> 00:17:49,432 Oh, great. Why don't you just roll up a newspaper and hit it? 321 00:17:49,597 --> 00:17:51,479 Charlie, sweetheart, it's okay. 322 00:17:51,642 --> 00:17:54,209 No, it's not. I am a straight man. 323 00:17:54,369 --> 00:17:57,893 I've always been a straight man, and I'll always be a straight man. 324 00:17:58,058 --> 00:18:02,267 Well, you'll forgive me, darling, but you seem to have a gay man's penis. 325 00:18:03,472 --> 00:18:05,593 Come on, let's go look at shoes. 326 00:18:06,559 --> 00:18:10,609 It's a straight man's penis. It's just having a bad day. 327 00:18:13,537 --> 00:18:15,612 - Hey. - Oh, I thought you'd never come home. 328 00:18:15,783 --> 00:18:17,379 - We have to talk. - Not now. 329 00:18:17,547 --> 00:18:19,508 I need to drink beer, scratch my ass... 330 00:18:19,672 --> 00:18:22,592 ...and watch a whole bunch of girl-on-girl porn. 331 00:18:24,284 --> 00:18:27,443 - Hello, Charlie. - Eric. What are you doing here? 332 00:18:29,296 --> 00:18:32,741 I came over to talk to you about a new account, and you weren't here, so... 333 00:18:32,946 --> 00:18:35,021 So he invited me to Big Sur for the weekend. 334 00:18:36,875 --> 00:18:38,198 It's not what it sounds like. 335 00:18:38,399 --> 00:18:42,847 Yes, it is. He looked into my eyes, told me I had a tight little breadbasket. 336 00:18:43,372 --> 00:18:44,808 No. 337 00:18:44,976 --> 00:18:48,614 Look, the other night at the party, there was a lot of friction between you... 338 00:18:48,785 --> 00:18:51,306 ...and I'm really sorry. 339 00:18:51,512 --> 00:18:55,196 Yeah, I'll bet you're really sorry. 340 00:18:56,645 --> 00:18:58,686 How do you expect me to keep working for you? 341 00:18:58,891 --> 00:19:01,126 Gosh, I hope you will. I'll make it up to you. 342 00:19:01,337 --> 00:19:04,815 How? How could you possibly make up for this incredible betrayal? 343 00:19:05,026 --> 00:19:07,945 - I'll get you more money. - Done. Get out. 344 00:19:08,755 --> 00:19:10,557 Bye, Alan. 345 00:19:11,763 --> 00:19:13,085 Thanks for the sweater. 346 00:19:14,931 --> 00:19:19,493 - He gave you a sweater? - Cashmere. Very stylish. And thank you. 347 00:19:19,663 --> 00:19:23,506 - For what? I didn't get you anything. - You stood up for our relationship. 348 00:19:23,673 --> 00:19:27,915 What relationship? Alan, we're not gay. 349 00:19:28,445 --> 00:19:31,889 No, but if we were, you wouldn't let anybody steal me away. 350 00:19:32,054 --> 00:19:34,050 And I think that's sweet. 351 00:19:35,021 --> 00:19:37,062 You need to stop this. 352 00:19:37,227 --> 00:19:40,271 I was just trying to get more money out of him, and that's all. 353 00:19:40,475 --> 00:19:43,714 Whatever you say. Pookie. 354 00:19:46,249 --> 00:19:48,210 Is the breadbasket the front or the back? 355 00:19:48,375 --> 00:19:52,424 - The back. - Oh, good. It wasn't just a line. 356 00:19:57,036 --> 00:19:59,032 Pick it up, Charlie. We're lagging. 357 00:19:59,202 --> 00:20:01,881 Gimme a break. I haven't even been to bed yet. 358 00:20:02,049 --> 00:20:05,174 Well, perhaps it's time for you to reexamine your club-hopping... 359 00:20:05,337 --> 00:20:08,417 ...popper-sniffing, disco lifestyle. 360 00:20:08,585 --> 00:20:10,707 I explained about that. 361 00:20:10,871 --> 00:20:15,353 It doesn't matter, darling. You're here, you're queer. I'm used to it. 30181

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