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1
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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
1
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Do you just get up in the morning
and figure out ways to make me crazy?
2
00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:06,238
Is that what you do?
You plot it out?
3
00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:08,038
How can I make Alan
miserable today?
4
00:00:08,200 --> 00:00:09,918
How can I reach into his chest...
5
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...rip out his heart, and suck it dry?
6
00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:16,834
- Mom or ex-wife?
- Ex-wife.
7
00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:19,430
- Hi, Judith.
- Charlie says hello.
8
00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:21,989
She says hi.
You're evil and selfish, you know that?
9
00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:25,030
No, no. L... I think that is
a helpful comment.
10
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:28,510
I pay you alimony and child support
so that you can have a nice house...
11
00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:31,240
...a nice car, every weekend free
because I've got Jake.
12
00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:35,115
And yet you're telling me
you need a vacation?
13
00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:38,716
Oh, really? Oh, really? And what exactly
is stressing you out, Judith?
14
00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:41,474
Is it the weekly manicure?
The housekeeper?
15
00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:43,517
- Boob lift.
- The boob lift.
16
00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:45,597
- That you paid for.
- That I paid for.
17
00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:48,394
- And never got to see.
- And never got to see.
18
00:00:49,880 --> 00:00:51,472
No, no, no. You listen to me.
19
00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:53,596
I think you live a damn fine lifestyle...
20
00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:55,955
...that I work 60 hours a week
to support.
21
00:00:56,120 --> 00:01:00,113
So if anybody needs a vacation,
it's not you. It's me!
22
00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:02,557
All right, then.
23
00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:04,952
Goodbye.
24
00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:09,794
Judith's going to Hawaii for a week.
25
00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:13,119
So Jake's staying here.
26
00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:15,471
I'm shocked.
27
00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:26,829
Come on, Jake.
It's time to get up for school.
28
00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:28,353
I can't go to school.
29
00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:30,351
- I'm sick.
- What's wrong?
30
00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:33,479
I think I have acid reflex disease.
31
00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:37,389
Really? Acid reflex disease?
32
00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:39,918
Where does it hurt?
33
00:01:41,320 --> 00:01:42,958
My head?
34
00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:45,711
- Nice try.
- My throat?
35
00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:47,273
Get up.
36
00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:50,273
All right, all right.
37
00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:53,432
I just want you to know,
I'm starting my day really stressed out.
38
00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:56,632
Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like me
to send you to Hawaii?
39
00:01:56,840 --> 00:01:58,796
That would be nice.
40
00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:05,359
What's taking you so long?
41
00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:08,678
- I can't find my other shoe.
- So put on a different pair.
42
00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:10,159
But this one's on already.
43
00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:15,275
Hey, what are you doing up so late?
44
00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:17,438
It's 7 a.m.
45
00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:21,672
- What am I doing up so early?
- Where have you been?
46
00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:25,555
Searching the kingdom
for the woman who fits this shoe.
47
00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:27,678
Hey, that's mine. Where was it?
48
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:29,075
In the driveway.
49
00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:31,717
Oh, yeah!
50
00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:33,354
Okay, let's go.
51
00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:35,192
- Got my lunch?
- Lunch?
52
00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:38,631
- You're supposed to make me lunch.
- Oh, crap.
53
00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:41,948
This isn't helping my stress level.
54
00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:45,749
I forget. Why are you here
in the middle of the week?
55
00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:48,918
- Because my mom's on vacation.
- From what?
56
00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:50,673
Me.
57
00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:57,232
A word of advice: Don't date women
who live near the airport.
58
00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:00,148
It's impossible to sleep in.
59
00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:03,069
I'll try to remember that.
60
00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:06,192
Wish I knew her well enough
to bring her back here.
61
00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:08,555
Well, maybe next time.
62
00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:10,358
Next time?
63
00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:13,599
- My lunch ready?
- It's right here. What are you doing?
64
00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:16,115
- That was for Jake.
- I don't see his name on it.
65
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:24,389
Okay, fine. You'Il...
You'll have half a sandwich...
66
00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:28,553
...and a banana,
and maybe an orange, and...
67
00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:31,234
...what the hell, an artichoke.
68
00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:33,669
An artichoke?
69
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:37,150
Maybe you can trade it
for something good.
70
00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:40,075
With who? One of the slow kids?
71
00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:42,589
Give it a shot. Tell him it's a puppy.
72
00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:45,472
Come on, let's go.
73
00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:50,029
I forgot. I have to write five insightful
questions I'd ask George Washington.
74
00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,390
What? Last night
you said you had no homework.
75
00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:55,115
Dad, I just said I forgot.
76
00:03:57,240 --> 00:04:01,836
- Okay, fine. You'll do it in the car.
- I was planning on doing math in the car.
77
00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:05,353
President Washington.
78
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:07,272
Question number one:
79
00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:11,194
"Have you ever thought of coming
back from the dead as a zombie?"
80
00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:15,354
Jake, I don't think that's
what your teacher had in mind.
81
00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:17,473
Do you wanna do it?
82
00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:19,433
No, no. You're doing fine.
83
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:22,037
Question two:
84
00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:25,351
"Can you eat human flesh
with wooden teeth?"
85
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:29,190
Hi, Lorraine. I'm running a little late.
86
00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:33,353
Could you move my 9:30 to 10,
my 10 to 10:30...
87
00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:36,080
...and, well,
you see where this is going.
88
00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:38,678
You don't?
89
00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:41,870
Hang on, I've got somebody
on the other line.
90
00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:43,879
Hello.
91
00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:48,192
Oh, hi, Mom. Look, I can't talk
right now. I'm driving Jake to school.
92
00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:50,868
Well, Judith's in Hawaii.
93
00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:54,073
No, that does not make me
a doormat.
94
00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:58,072
Patsy is just another word
for doormat, Mom.
95
00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:01,477
L... Lo... I gotta go. I'll call you later.
96
00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:04,513
Hi, Lorraine. I'm back.
97
00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:06,631
No, no, don't put me on hold.
98
00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:08,473
Question three:
99
00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:12,071
"Do you think the Revolutionary War
would have been won sooner...
100
00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:14,993
...if you had an army of the undead?"
101
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,789
This is actually pretty easy.
102
00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:23,273
Lorraine, this is Dr. Harper.
103
00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:27,032
Listen, I'm... I'm gonna be there
in about 40 minutes.
104
00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:29,715
What do you mean,
you're going home?
105
00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:33,356
Oh, come on.
You were premenstrual two weeks ago.
106
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,956
Yes, I keep track.
107
00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:38,198
Question number four:
108
00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:42,433
"What's your opinion of the new,
faster-walking zombies?"
109
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:44,438
No, no, no. Lor... Lorraine.
110
00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:46,272
Don't cry. Please don't cry.
111
00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:54,349
Charlie, I'm going home.
112
00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:17,389
How many times
have I asked you not to do that?
113
00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:20,997
- I'm going home.
- I suppose you want me to pay you.
114
00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:24,158
Not necessary.
I took the money out of your wallet.
115
00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:28,951
- Fine.
- Guess what? I got a raise.
116
00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:31,678
Congratulations.
117
00:06:31,880 --> 00:06:36,715
- You wanna know why I got a raise?
- No, I'm sure I had my reasons.
118
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:41,709
Because when I took this job,
all I had to do was clean up after you.
119
00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:44,718
And while that may
have been disgusting, it was doable.
120
00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:50,390
And then your brother moved in, which
I accepted with my usual good humor...
121
00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:54,678
...because he cleans up after himself
like a neurotic raccoon.
122
00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:57,432
This is about the kid, right?
123
00:06:57,640 --> 00:07:00,598
Good for you.
That's why you're the boss.
124
00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:04,752
He's just here for a week.
It's a temporary situation.
125
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:07,554
And yet my raise is permanent.
126
00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:09,879
Sounds fair.
127
00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:12,276
God, what a horrible day.
128
00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:14,836
- Tell me about it.
- Show of hands:
129
00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:17,714
Who spent their day
pre-soaking the shorts of a kid...
130
00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:20,753
...who leaves more skid marks
than a getaway car?
131
00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:23,953
That's what I thought.
132
00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:26,475
Now, if you ladies will excuse me...
133
00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:30,470
...I have three buses to catch.
134
00:07:33,840 --> 00:07:36,274
I bet she catches them by hand.
135
00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:39,556
Yeah, well, I have my own problems.
136
00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:42,473
I was late for work,
my receptionist went home early...
137
00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:46,519
...because, apparently, she has
the reproductive cycle of a jackrabbit...
138
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:50,396
...and then I had a large,
drunk Samoan man walk in...
139
00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:54,838
...who thought that chiropractor means
"massage with happy ending."
140
00:07:56,320 --> 00:08:00,199
I kept trying to crack his back and
he kept rolling over and winking at me.
141
00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:03,310
- Wow, that's creepy.
- Tell me about it.
142
00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:05,711
So you're gonna see him again?
143
00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:10,109
Or should I say,
are you gonna see him Samoa?
144
00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:14,114
Oh, come on. That was funny.
145
00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:16,430
Oh, yeah. It's hilarious.
146
00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:19,071
You know what your problem is?
147
00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:22,676
- You don't drink enough.
- You're probably right.
148
00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:27,038
This is the first time today I've had a
chance to just sit down and decompress.
149
00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:31,429
- Cheers?
- Oh, cheers.
150
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:34,073
Oh, that's good.
151
00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:36,959
I keep having this nagging feeling
that I forgot something.
152
00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:40,436
- Lf you forgot it, it wasn't important.
- Yeah, I guess.
153
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,989
I can't believe you forgot me.
154
00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:59,430
I said I'm sorry.
155
00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:00,953
You forgot me.
156
00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:03,270
I know. I feel terrible.
157
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:05,749
How many kids you got?
158
00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:09,588
- There's a towel on the floor, buddy.
- I'm okay.
159
00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:14,153
I want you to sit on it so you don't leave
a wet ass-print on my leather seats.
160
00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:15,799
You forgot me too.
161
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:17,558
Yeah, but I'm just your uncle.
162
00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:19,073
He's your father.
163
00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:20,759
Yeah, my own father.
164
00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:22,394
Thanks, Charlie.
165
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:24,391
Is there any way
I can make it up to you?
166
00:09:24,560 --> 00:09:27,472
- You wanna go out for a special dinner?
- No.
167
00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:29,153
- How about a movie?
- Why?
168
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:30,833
You're gonna leave me there too?
169
00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:35,078
For the last time, I am sorry.
170
00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:37,157
Won't be the last time.
171
00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:39,670
I just wanna go home.
I'm cold and I'm wet.
172
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:44,192
If you kick the back of my seat again,
you're gonna be colder and wetter.
173
00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:46,958
Ease up on him.
He's had a rough day.
174
00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:49,799
Yeah, my dad left me out in the rain.
175
00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:52,197
I'm sorry.
176
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:53,879
What did I tell you?
177
00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:57,952
What's all this stuff on the floor?
178
00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:00,953
I don't know. Junk mail.
Parking tickets.
179
00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:03,714
- What's this?
- Satin blindfold.
180
00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:07,474
- For what?
- What do you mean, "For what"?
181
00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:08,914
In case I run into...
182
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:12,393
...a piñata.
183
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:16,070
- You're unbelievable.
- Don't judge.
184
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,674
You felt up a Samoan dude.
185
00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:23,993
Hey, this is for me. From the IRS.
186
00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:26,674
It was mailed a month ago.
187
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:30,235
Damn post office.
188
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:33,391
Oh, perfect.
189
00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:36,358
- Just freaking perfect.
- Good news?
190
00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:39,312
I'm being audited.
191
00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:40,993
They wanna see me tomorrow.
192
00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:43,396
Oh, well, look at the upside.
193
00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:45,478
What upside?
194
00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:48,398
Yeah, okay, you got me.
195
00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:51,236
How could you forget
to give this to me?
196
00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:55,110
I don't know. How could you
forget your only son in the rain?
197
00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:57,789
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Watch the cleats.
198
00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:07,508
Let's go, sleepyhead.
Rise and shine, up and at 'em.
199
00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:11,508
Get out of my room
or I'll kill you with my bare hands.
200
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:14,439
I'm being audited today.
You have to take Jake to school.
201
00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:16,392
Put him in a cab.
202
00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:18,597
Oh, please. I am counting on you.
203
00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:21,314
Then you're headed
for disappointment.
204
00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:24,558
You need to get Jake dressed,
make him his lunch...
205
00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:27,553
...and get him to school by 8, okay?
- Okay.
206
00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:30,630
- You're not moving.
- Yes, I am.
207
00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:32,876
I'm flipping you off under the covers.
208
00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:37,396
Get up!
209
00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:41,116
All right, I'm up.
210
00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:43,590
So you know what to do with Jake?
211
00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:46,228
You have to be responsible.
You have to be me today.
212
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:49,517
- Think you can handle that?
- You left him out in the rain yesterday.
213
00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:51,511
It's not like you set the bar real high.
214
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:53,879
- Charlie.
- Relax.
215
00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:56,315
I think I'm capable
of getting your kid to school.
216
00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:59,153
Good, because I really need your help.
217
00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:03,674
So... So I'm gonna leave now.
218
00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:07,197
You're all set, right?
219
00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:08,833
Charlie?
220
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:19,868
Get up!
221
00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:26,992
Get dressed.
I'm taking you to school.
222
00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:29,635
I can't. I'm sick.
223
00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:32,310
Yeah, well, bite me.
224
00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:35,110
- Hey.
- Don't... Don't screw with me, shorty.
225
00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:37,555
I only got, like,
nine hours of sleep last night.
226
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:42,192
- Now get dressed.
- I'm supposed to take a shower first.
227
00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:47,034
Sit near a window.
228
00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:54,070
- Here, put these on.
- I wore these yesterday.
229
00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:57,397
They're still extremely stylish.
Put them on.
230
00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:01,551
- Can I have some privacy, please?
- For what? You're 11.
231
00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:04,035
That's close to puberty.
232
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:06,871
Okay, okay.
233
00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:10,034
I'm leaving.
234
00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:17,390
What am I, nuts?
235
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,190
Get up!
236
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:35,672
I could have dressed myself,
you know.
237
00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:38,070
You had your chance.
238
00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:40,276
I look stupid.
239
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:43,518
Yeah, well, you're close to puberty.
240
00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:45,039
Oh, I forgot to comb my hair.
241
00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:47,879
No, no, no. I'll do it.
242
00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:50,719
That's spit.
243
00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:54,629
Hey, one man's saliva is another
man's mousse. Now shut up.
244
00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:57,157
There, you're beautiful. Let's go.
245
00:13:57,720 --> 00:14:00,234
- What about lunch?
- Sorry, I have plans.
246
00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:03,238
No, you're supposed to
make me lunch.
247
00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:06,475
Oh, all right, come on.
248
00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:10,913
You're not really a morning person,
are you?
249
00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:13,799
You're just saying that
because I spit on your head.
250
00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:18,359
- You like cold pizza, right?
- Sure.
251
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:26,510
- This is frozen.
- Yeah. If you sit on it...
252
00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:28,636
...it'll thaw by lunch.
253
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:34,874
My butt is freezing.
254
00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:37,914
You wanted pizza.
255
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:41,917
All right, I'll put the seat warmer on.
256
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:44,196
Cook it from both sides.
257
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:47,995
- I like it better when my dad takes me.
- Oh, gee, you're not having fun?
258
00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:50,549
Because I'm farting rainbows
over here.
259
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:53,954
First, he forgets me.
Now he leaves me with you.
260
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:55,674
Hey, you know what?
261
00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:58,673
Your father works like a dog
to make sure you have everything.
262
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:00,513
If he's not there for you...
263
00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:04,355
...it's just because he's trying
to stay out of federal prison.
264
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:09,472
I think he needs to have sex.
265
00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:12,672
I was kidding about prison, Jake.
266
00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:17,038
What do you mean
he needs to have sex?
267
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:19,118
Well, he's been really grumpy lately.
268
00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:22,352
You're usually in a good mood.
I figure it's because you have sex.
269
00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:27,514
Jake, it takes more than sex
to make a man happy.
270
00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:29,914
You also need money.
271
00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:35,718
All right, have a good day.
272
00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:38,314
- Learn something.
- This isn't my school.
273
00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:42,471
- What do you mean?
- I mean, I don't go to school here.
274
00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:46,031
Well, where do you go to school?
275
00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:48,037
Woodward Avenue Elementary.
276
00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:52,119
- And where the hell is that?
- Woodward Avenue, I guess.
277
00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:56,711
I don't know why you can't
tough it out here for one day.
278
00:15:56,880 --> 00:15:58,791
Make some new friends.
279
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:01,839
Hey, Alan, it's Charlie.
280
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:05,788
Look, I wanna ask you something but I
don't want you to read anything into it.
281
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:07,877
Where exactly is Jake's school?
282
00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:10,315
You don 't know where his school is?
283
00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:12,311
What the hell is wrong with you?
284
00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:16,075
- Are you trying to kill me?
- You could be right about the sex thing.
285
00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:21,035
Okay, Woodward Avenue
Elementary School.
286
00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:22,639
Looks like they're closed.
287
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:27,157
That's because I'm an hour late.
Even the crossing guard is gone.
288
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:32,749
How about this? Why don't you just
bag school and we'll go catch a movie.
289
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:36,392
- I can't skip school. I'm in the play.
- What play?
290
00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:38,955
The founding fathers' play.
You'll be there, right?
291
00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:41,590
Why would I be there?
292
00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:46,317
Because Mom's in Hawaii and Dad's got
that tax thing and you're all that's left.
293
00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:49,038
Oh, I'm all that's left.
294
00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:51,231
Hey, I'm not thrilled about it either.
295
00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:54,597
Okay. Where and when?
296
00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:56,677
In the auditorium after lunch.
297
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:58,711
Oh, yeah. I need
a Ben Franklin costume.
298
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:00,839
You're telling me this now?
299
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:02,951
I told Mom but she's in Hawaii.
300
00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:05,798
All right.
301
00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:09,436
Let's see.
Washington, Jackson, Lincoln.
302
00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:11,830
Here we go. Benjamin Franklin.
303
00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:14,515
Why can't you be Lincoln?
304
00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:17,308
A beard, a mole, a top hat,
we're done.
305
00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:20,080
Because Lincoln
wasn't a founding father.
306
00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:23,677
Okay, I'll see what I can do.
307
00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:25,836
Now get out of here.
308
00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:30,279
Hey.
309
00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:33,677
You forgot your lunch.
310
00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:35,558
Hey.
311
00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:43,914
God, what a day.
312
00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:45,752
I don't wanna hear it.
313
00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:48,150
You know why I was being audited?
314
00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:52,792
Not because I have unsubstantiated
deductions. Which I have.
315
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:55,838
Not because I take the occasional
cash payment from a client...
316
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:58,560
...and forget to report it. Which I do.
317
00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:01,075
It was because no one at the IRS...
318
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:05,597
...could believe I was paying
as much alimony as I claimed.
319
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:09,478
It took me three hours
to convince them that, yes...
320
00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:12,154
...I am that big a schmuck.
321
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:15,394
Oh, boo-hoo.
322
00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:18,590
You want a real fun time?
323
00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:21,274
Try finding an extra small
Ben Franklin costume...
324
00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:23,032
...at 9:00 in the morning.
325
00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:27,036
Oh, right. The play. How was it?
326
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:30,200
Boffo. A smash.
327
00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:34,710
Among the highlights were a 12-year-old
Chinese George Washington...
328
00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:37,599
...with a powdered wig
and a snot bubble...
329
00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:40,794
...and your kid in a bald cap
and granny glasses...
330
00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:45,476
...holding a Tweety Bird kite and
announcing he's discovered elasticity.
331
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:48,435
- Oh, I wish I'd seen it.
- Don't worry, you will.
332
00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:51,353
It was videotaped
from about 150 different angles.
333
00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:53,591
I should tell him
I'm sorry I wasn't there.
334
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,360
- Yeah, you should.
- Is he in his room?
335
00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:26,956
Here you go, pal. Your favorite.
336
00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:29,076
Bacon double cheeseburger
and cheese fries.
337
00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:32,312
And for dessert, I got fudge brownies
with that ice cream you like.
338
00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:34,750
Is this supposed to
make up for everything?
339
00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:38,517
- Yeah.
- Pretty much.
340
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:42,313
Look, Jake, I know it's been rough
and I'm sorry.
341
00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:44,875
We're human, we make mistakes.
But I promise you...
342
00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:48,749
...neither of us will ever,
ever forget to pick you up again.
343
00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:51,309
Yeah, I still wanna go back to Mom's.
344
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:54,199
When is she coming home
from Hawaii, anyway?
345
00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:58,872
Oh, crap.
346
00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:28,831
Subtitles by
SDI Media Group
347
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:30,991
[ENGLISH]
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