Original subtitles

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- What's that? - My high school yearbook.

Hey, do you remember a girl named Jamie Eckelberry?

- No. - Yeah, sure you do.

She used to hang out at the house all the time.

Oh, yeah. Eckelberry Hound.

Not a name she was fond of.

Hey, I didn't make it up. I just spread it around. What about her?

Oh, she called the alumni association and tracked me down.

How does that work? They let her sniff one of your sweaters?

She e-mailed me. She's in town on business, and I invited her over.

Great. I'll get out of your way. Just keep her off the good rug.

Very funny. No. For your information, it's not a date.

She's just a friend who has become very successful in her field.

Oh, that's nice that she has a field to run around in.

- It's getting old, Charlie. - In people years or dog years?

Sorry. Oh, look. You remember Miss Hanrahan?

- Sure. I had her for sophomore English. - I had her in the teachers' lounge.

Oh, that's Jamie. Be nice.

I'm always nice. Ask Miss Hanrahan.

- I'm serious. - Relax. I'm just gonna say hello...

...scratch her behind the ear, and then I'm out of here.

- You done with the dog jokes? - Yes.

- Good. - I hope she looks fetching.

Okay, I guess I had one more.

- Alan. - Jamie.

Do you remember how Stuart Negelman used to tell everybody you were gay?

Don't remind me. I had one Boy George album...

...and suddenly I'm queen of the fairies.

You'll be happy to know I ran into him in New York.

- And? Knew it. - Gay.

Okay, here we go.

Two margaritas, and a rum and Diet Coke.

- Thank you, Charlie. - You're welcome.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

So Stuart Negelman: Buttoned-down, or singing show tunes on a float?

Very macho. Owns a gym in SoHo.

Speaking of which, you look like you're in good shape.

- I have kept up with the hacky sack. - Good for you.

And you. I cannot get over what a beautiful woman you've become.

- Oh, stop it. You're embarrassing me. - Too bad. It's true.

Charlie, that's lovely. You still play.

Just professionally.

- You became a musician? - More a composer. Gotta pay the bills.

Play the jingle you wrote for the feminine deodorant commercial.

Okay.

Fresh as a summer breeze Clean as a mountain spring

No. You wrote that? I love that.

Hey, hey, did I tell you that I was voted...

...Chiropractor of the Year by the San Fernando Valley Chiropractic Association?

Oh, that's fantastic, Alan. You must be very proud.

Well, it's not pride so much as the satisfaction I get from helping people.

Carefree, so carefree

What every woman wants to be

Hey. Hey, you know what would be fun?

A session of Dungeons & Dragons. Like the old days, you know?

- Just the two of us. - Wow, I haven't played in years.

Or we can go down to the beach and go for a swim.

- I didn't bring a suit. - So my plan is working.

You know, I think I'll take a rain check. Do you mind if I use your restroom?

Down the hall on the right.

Thank you.

Don't you have enough women?

No. Anyway, you said she was just an old friend.

Well, that was before I saw her.

Come on, I spent years laying the groundwork for this.

And yet you never erected anything on the site.

Because she didn't look like that then.

Oh, shame on you, Alan Harper.

Don't you know a woman is so much more than what's on the outside?

She's a mountain spring, a summer breeze and I saw her first.

What are you, 11?

Come on. She's smart, she's beautiful, she's the kind of woman who...

- You could never get? - Exactly.

Well, if she's that important to you.

She is, she is. Very much.

- Okay, fine. I'm out of it. - Really?

Happy birthday.

Isn't that presumptuous? You think you can just give this woman as a gift?

- Okay, forget it. - No, no. Happy birthday to me.

Listen, I have an early meeting in the morning, so I should probably get going.

Oh, no, no. The night is so young, and Charlie was just leaving.

Yeah, if I don't start drinking now, I'll be up all night.

I really have to get going. What about dinner tomorrow night?

- That would be great. - Okay, terrific.

Why don't the three of us meet at 7?

The... The three of us?

Oh, gee. Tomorrow night? I can't.

Oh, come on, Charlie. I'm only in town for a few days.

It wouldn't be the same without you. Right, Alan?

That's... That's true. It would be different. But still good.

No, no, no. You guys have a lot of catching up to do.

I insist. Charlie, you have to come.

Well, if it's okay with Alan...

Of course.

Okay, great. Then I will see you both tomorrow.

- Okay. - Thank you.

- Can't wait. - I know. Me too. Good night.

Bye.

So I'll get you something else for your birthday.

You like hookers?

Charlie, we agreed you're out. Now stay out.

- All right, fine. I won't go. - Thank you.

Wait! If you don't come, she'll think I told you not to come.

There is that possibility.

That's your plan. To make me look petty and insecure.

Alan, I don't have to plan for that.

Let me tell you something. You're coming with us, whether you like it or not.

All right.

Wait!

- We should take your new Mercedes. - Fine.

- I should drive it so she thinks it's mine. - Okay.

Wait!

She'll never believe I drive a Mercedes.

You'll drive my old Volvo so that she thinks it's yours.

Whatever. That just means you'll be sitting in the backseat alone.

Wait!

Charlie, I can't believe that after all these years, you're still single.

Well...

It's not that hard to believe.

I'm a selfish, promiscuous, commitment-phobic man.

Alan, on the other hand, is a very generous, loyal, one-woman kind of guy.

Guilty.

Why doesn't that surprise me?

Now, what is surprising...

...is to hear a man be so honest and forthcoming about his flaws.

Charlie, you are a real breath of fresh air.

Guilty.

But if you really want a breath of fresh air, take a lungful of Alan.

He is a true gentleman.

Oh, Alan's always been a gentleman.

I remember one time we were kids. We were in my bedroom playing Stratego...

...and my blouse came unbuttoned, and Alan, instead of sneaking a peek...

...like a lot of guys would do, averted his eyes and said, "Jamie, bosom."

Really. Is that true, Alan?

Pretty much. We were playing Boggle, not Stratego.

Well, there you go. A gentleman. A better man than I.

Oh, don't put yourself down, Charlie. You seem like a wonderful man to me.

Yeah, but you heard him. I'm better.

Excuse me.

I'll be right back. I think he wants to talk.

You know, you are such a good brother.

You have no idea.

"Bosom"?

Forget that. What the hell are you doing?

What? I'm trying to make you look good. Turns out it's not that easy.

You look like you're trying to make me look good...

...but you're making you look good.

I don't know how, but that's the net result.

- Alan, you're being ridiculous. - Am I? I think not.

From the minute we walked in, you've been sabotaging me.

- How? - How? Look at where I'm sitting.

- What? You wanted to sit next to her. - Yeah, and you let me.

And now you get to stare into her eyes, and I get to stare into her ear.

What do you want from me? Wanna change seats?

Sure. That won't look suspicious.

I'm just trying to help, Alan. Well, how about that? I do have to pee.

You wanna help me? Stop talking me up.

- It's killing me. - Okay.

Stop putting yourself down. That's killing me too.

- Got it. - Just sit there and eat your dinner...

...and I'll play your game.

Fine.

You wanna shake on it?

You're disgusting.

Yeah, I'm disgusting.

At least I'm not the one taking a squirt on my shoe.

Let me tell you something about my brother.

He puts himself down, but he is truly a wonderful man.

I mean, here's a guy, single, good-Iooking, talented...

- Well, l... - You're too modest.

Talented, a ton of money.

And what does he do when his brother and nephew need a place to live?

Does he complain about us cramping his style? No.

He opens up his home, and his heart.

And frankly, I don't know which one is bigger.

You are an incredible human being.

Can we get the damn check, please?

Wait till you meet Jake. He's a great kid.

You're gonna love him. Right, Charlie?

Don't oversell him, Alan. He mostly sits around and eats.

What do you guys like to do together?

Oh, we do all kinds of father-son things.

- We go to the movies... - Where he sits and eats.

And we also build models...

You know, airplanes, and fly them off the deck.

- That sounds like fun. - Oh, it is. Jake loves it.

I mean, he is a great kid.

I can't wait to meet him.

How about tomorrow afternoon?

- Tomorrow sounds great. - Good, good. It's a date.

- So don't be late. - Or we'll have to wait.

Oh, okay. Here we are.

Thank you so much. I had a wonderful time.

- I'll see you tomorrow. - Good night.

Good night, Charlie.

Good night.

To the Batcave, Alfred.

Go to hell.

I was just sitting here. I didn't put her tongue in my mouth.

You got tongue?

Actually, looking back, it was probably mine.

Oh, relax. I'm just screwing with you.

Besides, you're the one who got the date.

You had to pimp your kid out to do it, but you got there.

Hey, hey, there is nothing wrong with bragging on my son.

He's a reflection of me, and if that compensates...

...for some of my social clumsiness...

And maybe rustles up a little tail.

I am not pimping him out.

Don't bark at me. I'm proud of you.

Thank you. And make yourself scarce tomorrow.

- I don't need any more of your help. - Fine. You're on your own.

Now, hush up and drive Miss Daisy home.

Okay, Sky Captain. Ready to go?

I guess.

See how he loves this?

Pilot to copilot. Contact.

What?

- Contact. - Why are you talking like that?

Just... Just start the engine.

Here we go. Ready for liftoff?

It's not a rocket ship, Dad.

I know that, Jake.

Hey, it actually works.

Bring it up. Bring it up.

- Okay. - Come on, Jake, up, up. It's...

- Don't yell. - Give me that.

- No, I'm doing it. - Well, then do it.

I am.

Is that it?

No, go get it, and we'll patch her back up, like we always do.

Can we just order a pizza and watch TV?

Go get the plane.

This sucks.

"This sucks." Isn't he a hoot?

He's great.

So...

...here we are.

Yep.

I just cannot get over how much you've changed.

- You like? - Yeah, me like. I mean... I mean, I like.

So...

...where's Charlie?

This is all I could find.

- Guess who that is. - No way.

- Way. - What was going on with your hair?

It's called a Jeri curl.

It was my Michael Jackson period.

Who's the tall guy next to you?

Oh, that's me, Jake.

Oh, sorry.

Well, at least you look like a girl now.

Thank you.

Was Dad your boyfriend?

Oh, no, no. Jamie and I were just friends.

Yeah, we were never that way.

Are you that way now?

- Why don't you go watch TV? - Finally.

You know, Jamie, I've been thinking.

You're single. I'm single. Well, we have an awful lot in common.

I mean, there's no reason we couldn't try to be...

...you know, more than friends.

Is that something you'd want?

Well...

- Hey. - Oh, darn.

- Sorry to intrude. - That's okay. It's good to see you.

I thought you were gonna be busy.

I was. I went to a movie, shot some pool...

...bought a book, bought a shirt, drank a bucket of coffee, read the book.

And then it occurred to me: "Hey, I have a home."

Hey, Dad, can you microwave some popcorn for me?

- Why can't you make it for yourself? - Remember what happened last time?

You're old enough to make popcorn without starting a fire.

Okay, I'll give it a shot.

I'll be right back.

So Jake's a great kid, isn't he?

Yeah, I suppose.

I would never say this to Alan, but I don't really care much for children.

Well, the truth is, Alan's not too fond of him either.

He feeds the kid and keeps a roof over his head...

...but there's no love lost between them.

- Charlie, give it a rest. - Sorry?

Why do you push me towards Alan...

...when it's obvious how much you want me?

He's got a birthday coming up.

Just tell me you want me.

Go ahead, Charlie. Tell her.

What? No, no. You two, with the Dungeons, the Dragons, the Boggle.

You should be together.

Clearly she wants you, so let's be grown-up, and I'll get out of the way...

...so the two pretty people can mate.

No, no, no, no. You laid the foundation...

...and you should, you know, lay the rest of it.

I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I am stepping aside...

- No, no. I'm stepping aside. - No, no. I am.

No, no, I'll step aside. I will clear the way.

Will you both just shut up? You're ruining everything.

- Nice going. - Nice going.

- Say it, Charlie. - Say what?

Say that slick, cool, Charlie Harper finally wants Eckelberry Hound.

- You knew about that name? - That name scarred me for life.

It's the reason I haven't eaten a carbohydrate since college.

- Well, you do look good. - You're damn right I look good...

...you smug, shallow son of a bitch.

I have spent years working and sweating and dreaming...

...about the day that I would be able to rub your smarmy nose in it.

Okay, I'm getting mixed signals here.

This is the signal, Charlie: You can't have this.

Not now, not ever. Never, never, never!

You know, I didn't make up the Eckelberry Hound thing.

But he did spread it around. I was always your friend.

Oh, please. I spent years throwing myself at you, friend.

Playing stupid nerd games on my bed with my shirt open, buddy.

Hoping that you would kiss me or touch me...

...or at least notice me as a woman, pal!

- You knew your shirt was open? - Who do you think opened it?

But I wasn't pretty enough for you. You wanted Donna DeMarco...

...or Maxine Chernikoff, just because they had big boobs...

...and no excess facial hair.

Oh, yeah. Donna DeMarco, old Double D.

Jamie, I had no idea. I am so sorry.

But I was a stupid teenager. I guess I just didn't appreciate you then.

I guess not.

But that was a long time ago. I'm not a stupid teenager anymore.

Do you think maybe you could forgive me, and maybe we could try again?

Is that what you really want, Alan?

Very much.

Well, eat your heart out.

You can never have this. Never, never, never!

Well, I guess we know why she's still single.

You're right, Dad. This is fun.

Told you. It just takes a little while to get the hang of it.

See if I can bring it in for a landing.

Probably not a good idea. There's no real place to put it.

What do you think Donna DeMarco's doing these days?