Original subtitles

WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

Two white wines and a Jack and ginger.

Please tell me the Jack and ginger isn't for you.

No, it's for my girlfriend. Why?

You look like a woman of discriminating taste...

...and mixing a quality bourbon with ginger ale...

...is like putting Cheez Whiz on lobster Newburgh.

Well, what if I said the Jack and ginger was for me?

Well, then, I'd learn to live with it.

- Charlie. - Gail.

Sorry I'm late. I stopped off at Radio Barn, and wait till you see what I got.

Alan, I'm kind of in the middle of...

Damn you to hell.

- What? What did I do? - Forget it.

It's who you are, you can't help yourself.

Okay. Anyway, check this out. Know what that is?

- A two megapixel, full-color webcam. - Right.

How do I do it?

I got one for me and for Jake. We can hook them to our computers...

...so when he's at his mother's, we can have video chats.

- That's cool. - Isn't it?

Yeah, with a couple of these, phone sex becomes less phone and more sex.

These are to maintain my relationship with Jake.

It's the worst part of the divorce:

- Only seeing him on weekends. - I get that. I sympathize.

But you can see the validity of my vision too, right?

Oh, look. Built-in microphone. Totally hands-free. Perfect.

- Excuse me. - Oh, hey, Gail. Good to see you again.

Don't move, don't talk.

- Are you Charlie Harper? - Yeah. Why?

You were right. It's him.

What...? What...? What's funny?

Nothing.

So listen, can I buy you a drink?

He wants to buy me a drink.

Then what? We go back to your beach house...

...sit on the deck, look at the stars, talk about how you love being an uncle...

...and how you'd like kids of your own...

...and by the way, I have the most beautiful eyes in the world.

I'm sorry. Have we met before?

No. And we're not gonna meet now.

Okay. I have a bad feeling.

Is the camera on?

Good. Now, hit "connect."

I can see you. Can you see me?

Yeah, yeah. I can hear you too. You can hang up the phone.

This is awesome.

- Yeah, we can see each other every day. - Cool.

So...

What's new?

Nothing.

What's new with you?

Not much.

- Hey, Charlie. - Rose, stop.

- What? - We're friends now, right?

Right.

Our one-night stand is ancient history. You're not stalking me anymore, right?

- Right. - Then use the damn stairs.

- Really? - Yes.

Okay.

- I'm opening up the gate. - I'm proud of you.

- I'm starting up the stairs. - You can do it.

Oh, boy.

I don't know about this.

- You'll get used to it. - Yeah, we'll see.

I'm surprised to see you home.

- It's ladies' night at Pavlov's. - I know.

Well, isn't that kind of like rabbit season for Elmer Fudd?

Used to be.

Let me ask you question.

How much do chicks talk about men they've been with?

Not as much as you'd think.

- Really? - Way more.

- Why? - Well, I ran into some women last night.

Never met them before.

But they seem to have already formed a poor opinion of me.

So you think somebody's out there spreading nasty rumors?

Worse. I think somebody's out there spreading the truth.

Well, you have burned a few bridges in this town.

Hey, I don't burn bridges. I have casual sex with relative strangers.

There's a difference.

And I'm always honest.

I never lead a woman on. Unless I'm, you know, totally bombed.

Last night was probably the result of one woman with an ax to grind.

Probably.

Yeah, that's it.

- I'm making myself crazy over nothing. - Oh, I do that all the time.

It's a great way to fill up a slow weekend.

Rose, that night we spent together...

...did I tell you you had beautiful eyes?

Well, let's see. We had a couple of drinks, you invited me back here.

We were sitting out on the deck, looking at the stars.

And, yeah, you said:

"By the way, you have the most beautiful eyes in the world."

I guess I do use that a lot.

But, damn it, it's good.

Are you sure it's not red? Look again.

It looks fine. You have to go to school tomorrow.

- Good night, Rose. - Night, Charlie.

And don't forget to use the...

Never mind.

Oh, Charlie, Charlie. Come here.

- Say hello to your Uncle Charlie. - Hey, Uncle Charlie.

- Hi, Jake. - I can see you.

I can see you too.

So...

What's new?

Not much. What's new with you?

Nothing. Oh, wait. I Googled you...

... and you'll never guess what I found.

Jake, are you in the bathtub?

Yeah. Gotta go.

No, no, no. Wait, Jake, what are you talking about?

- What's he talking about? - I don't know.

But if you Google me, you'll find pages that mention...

...my San Fernando Valley Chiropractor of the Year award.

That's nice. Get out of the way.

Oh, careful. There's another Alan J. Harper.

He's a school bus driver, and he also makes these decorative pigs...

...out of bleach bottles and pipe cleaners.

I'm not Googling you. I'm Googling me.

"CharlieHarperSucks. Com."

That's gotta be a different Charlie Harper.

Okay.

I have a bad feeling.

Oh, boy.

Oh, man.

Oh, crap.

- Are you still reading that thing? - How can I not?

It's an entire website devoted to trashing me.

Listen to this:

"Has anybody had sex with Charlie where he actually took his socks off?"

That's just mean. I have bad circulation in my feet.

They get cold.

Check this out. Some girl posted audio off her answering machine.

Hey, it's me. I just wanted to tell you I had a great time last night.

- And I'm looking forward... - Hello, Charlie?

Yeah, hi.

We weren 't together last night.

Allison?

No, Beth.

Thursday.

I had a great time with you Thursday, and I thought that may...

Oh, Alan, what am I gonna do?

Every woman in the city can see this stuff.

Every woman in the world.

Oh, God.

Well, you know what they say.

Any publicity is...

Good publicity.

No, no, no. What I do requires secrecy.

I need shadows and darkness. I'm like a magician.

If everybody knows how I do it, it ceases to be entertaining.

"Frequently Asked Questions."

- Don't read that. - Yeah, right.

Okay. Question:

"How long can you expect to date Charlie after you have sex with him?"

Answer: " It depends how late you sleep the next morning."

Oh, come on. This is funny. You're just too close to it.

This could be interesting. Question:

"How does Charlie manage to fake my orgasm?"

All right, stop it. Move over.

- What are you doing? - I've gotta fight back.

Anybody can post on the message board. Why not me?

- You're gonna post as yourself? - Don't be ridiculous.

Everybody uses a screen name.

"CharlieFreak219."

Too many?

Okay.

CharlieFreak180.

"In my experience...

...Charlie has always been...

...a generous lover...

...compassionate, fun-Ioving and sensitive."

There. That ought to bring a little balance to the conversation.

You really don't get the Internet, do you?

Oh, look. I've got a response already.

"Dear Freak: Are you just stupid...

...or did your skull bounce off his headboard too many times?"

Okay, I've had enough of this.

- How do I delete this whole thing? - You can't delete a website.

Only the person who created it can.

- Well, how do I find out who created it? - Now, let's see. Come on.

Okay.

Okay, the domain is the property of a company in the Cayman Islands called:

"Charlie Harper Sucks Limited."

Well, that's no help.

Hey, you can buy T-shirts and coffee mugs.

"Add to cart."

No, Mom, it is not that simple.

I am a single mother now. Dating is very complicated.

I understand.

No, I can 't go back to Alan.

Of course I still love him.

Hey, Alan?

How long you think this Internet fad is gonna last?

- Okay. - What?

Jake must've turned on his webcam before he went to school.

I can see and hear Judith talking to her mother on the phone.

- Why can't she hear us? - Our side's turned off.

Are you kidding? Alan would never take me back. How do I know?

I just know.

Okay, fine. I'll ask him.

- She wants me back. - Yes, I will ask him.

That's nice. It's all about you.

Okay.

Listen, Mom, I gotta get in the shower.

I got it. Yes.

All right. I'll call you later.

Oh, man.

- Charlie, I need to talk about this. - Me too.

If I don't do something about that website...

...I'm gonna have to chase Amish broads.

Judith wants to reconcile. I've dreamed about this...

...but now that it's here, I wonder if it's what I want.

Whoever put up that site has to be somebody I went out with at least once.

It would be great for Jake to have both parents in one house.

And without alimony, I could stop getting my hair cut at the barber college.

I can eliminate married chicks, ones that don't speak English...

...and those to whom I was never properly introduced.

I'll make a list of the pros and cons of going back to her.

You know what? I'm gonna need to make a list.

- I'm glad we talked. - I'm always here for you.

Me too.

Hi, Tina. Long time, huh?

Charlie Harper. What do you want?

I know things didn't end well between us, and...

Really? I thought they ended perfectly.

We spent a week in Cancún, having great sex every day.

Flew back to L.A. You told me you'd call me tomorrow, and it's been...

What do you know? A year and a half.

- That long? - Oh, yeah.

I guess time flies when you're the scum of the earth.

Okay, I had that coming.

I was thoughtless and insensitive, and I know I can never really make up for it...

...but I want you to know that I was wrong, and I'm really, truly sorry.

- And...? - No "and."

I just wanted to apologize for being a jerk. I wanna make amends.

- You really mean that, don't you? - I do. Absolutely.

- You wanna come in for a cup of coffee? - Sure, I guess.

So, seeing anybody?

"Pro: No alimony. Con: No sex."

"Pro: See Jake all the time. Con: See Judith all the time."

What are you doing? Give me that.

- I'm sorry. It was just laying there. - That's private.

Okay.

I got another "pro" for you.

- Yeah? What's that? - Lf you hook back up with Olive Oyl...

...I won't have to scrub your toilet anymore.

Pro: No more Berta.

You're not really thinking about going back, are you?

I don't know. She wants to, but I'm torn.

You're not torn. You're gutless.

- Do you still love her? - Of course I do.

I mean, you know, we've been though a lot of things together.

- She's the mother of my son. - Okay, listen to me, Zippy.

If that's all it took to make a marriage...

...I'd have a husband for each of my tattoos.

- You have tattoos? - Yeah. You wanna see them?

No.

You're overthinking this. When your dog dies, you don't make a list.

You bury him, plant a shrub on top...

...tell the kids he's running around a farm, and move on.

That's actually a very apt metaphor.

My failed marriage is like a dead dog.

But it serves as fertilizer for the shrub, which represents my new life.

So if I try to revitalize the marriage... You know, digging up the dog.

- Then I'm killing the shrub, which is me.

Like you said, it's apt.

Thank you, Berta. You're a very insightful woman.

I know. In a just world, you'd be washing my shorts.

Well, thanks, nevertheless.

Last chance to see those tattoos.

No thanks.

I can make the Road Runner do jumping jacks.

That was a fun apology.

Yeah, I really thought I was the one who deserved a spanking.

- So you'll call me? - Count on it.

Hey, not that I really care, but, do you happen to know...

...who started that silly website?

No. I just found it by Googling your name.

Most women Google the guys they go out with, you know.

Yeah, I've heard.

- Well, I'll see you soon. - You better.

Okay. That went well.

Let's see. Who's next?

Jake, why don't you go watch some TV. I need to talk to your dad.

Is this about the firecrackers? What firecrackers?

I'll go watch TV.

Come in, sit down.

Thanks. Listen...

- Boy, this is tough. - Okay, okay, maybe...

...I can make it easier for you.

Judith...

...I will always love you...

...but there's no going back for me.

I've learned a lot about myself in the last year, and I'm growing.

And... And I wanna keep on growing.

I will always cherish what we had...

...but I have to fertilize my shrub.

- What are you talking about? - It's Berta's metaphor.

The... The bottom line is: I don't want to reconcile.

Our marriage is over.

Well, what makes you think I wanna reconcile?

What did you wanna talk to me about?

My mom wanted me to ask if Jake could spend a couple of weeks...

...with them this summer. - Oh, really?

- That's what she wanted you to ask me? - Yes.

You didn't tell her you loved me, you missed me?

Well, I always tell her that to shut her up.

And how the hell do you know what I talk to my mother about?

Hey, look, Charlie's here.

- Answer my question, Alan. - Hold on a second, Judith.

- Charlie, what's wrong? - I've been making amends.

Five amends in one afternoon.

Well, technically, four. I had to fake the last one.

- Charlie, Alan and I are talking. - Don't worry.

I'll be out of your way as soon as I check on something.

They all denied running the website...

...but at least I should have some good reviews now.

Listen to this:

"Charlie came over and apologized today, and, oh, what an apology it was.

I take back everything nasty I ever said about him."

Not bad, huh?

Here's another one:

"He apologized to you today?

He apologized to me too."

Okay, I have a bad feeling again.

Alan, how do you know what I said to my mother?

I didn't actually know. I surmised.

I should go talk to Charlie.

Hey, Dad, check it out. I can see my room on your computer.

Okay, now I've got a bad feeling.

My heart was in the right place, Rose.

- I know. - All I wanted to do was apologize.

- I had no ulterior motives. - I believe you.

Thank you.

Did I ever apologize to you?

You mean, for our one-night stand that kind of, sort of broke my heart?

Yeah, for that.

No, not really.

Okay, well, I am truly sorry.

You're a wonderful person, and you deserved better.

Thank you, Charlie.

- That's sweet. - I mean it.

- What's that? - Oh, this?

It's one of those new web browser, e-mail gadgets.

Cool.