Original subtitles

**

* Pass me not, o' gentle savior.

* Hear my humble cry.

* While on others Thou art calling.

* Do not pass me by.

* Savior, oh Savior,

* Hear my humble cry.

* While on others Thou art calling.

* Do not pass me by.

* When the trumpet of the Lord shall sound,

* and time shall be no more,

* And the morning breaks, eternal, bright and fair;

* When the saved on earth shall gather

* over on the other shore,

* And the roll is called up yonder, I'll be there.

* When the roll is called up yonder,

* When the roll is called up yonder,

* When the roll is called up yonder,

* When the roll is called up yonder, I'll be there.

- Unless you're a fag.

* On that bright and cloudless morning

* when the dead in Christ shall rise,*

- Welcome to Calgary Baptist.

Good to see ya'll.

Glad you could make it.

We've been missing you in church.

Good to see you.

Glad ya'll could be here.

* When the roll is called up yonder, I'll be there.

- Unless you're a sodomite.

- Everybody sing!

* When the roll is called up yonder,

* When the roll is called up yonder,

* When the roll is called up yonder,

* When the roll is called up yonder, I'll be there.*

- Unless you're a big ol' sissy queen homosexual.

- Yes, brethren.

- Or a dyke!

- When the roll is called up yonder, I will be there.

- Praise God. - Will you?

Well I certainly hope so because

there's only one way to get to that promised land.

One way to get to heaven,

and that's through our lord and savior, Jesus Christ!

Now let's open our bibles to Romans 3:23.

"For all have sinned and come

"short of the glory of God."

- Have they?

- Now let's flip over to Romans 6:23.

"For the wages of sin is death,

"but the gift of God is eternal life."

Eternal life, death.

Eternal damnation in that burning lake of fire

where there shall be weeping, and gnashing of teeth.

- Ew!

- Forever! For eternity!

- That's so long.

- Now God gave us choices.

- Does He now?

- Free will, it is your choice.

- What a crock of shit!

- Free will, now I'm going to say this again,

- Oh please do because I don't

think we got it the first one hundred times.

- God gave us the freedom of choice.

- Really? Well I choose to go to Hell.

I choose to burn in the lake of fire,

I choose to gnash my teeth.

Wouldn't you?

I mean it's so logical --

- Are you lost and without Christ?

- I guess.

- Are you on that broad and winding road that leads to destruction?

- Yup, just skipping along!

- You want to burn in Hell?

- Could I just simmer please?

- You want to go down?!

- Okay, that's enough of you for now.

I was born in Dallas, Texas.

The buckle of the bible belt.

Here at Calgary Baptist Church,

my Daddy was a deacon,

Mama was the Primary Sunday School teacher.

Me? I'm a queer.

A fag, a pansy, a mo, a fairy... a sissy.

I have continued to disappoint them my entire life.

- If you haven't accepted Jesus

as your personal savior--

- Hey!

I'm not done.

These are our Mothers.

Except one dead Mama and another in prison,

but more on them later.

That... is our preacher.

Back then, I believed every word he said; we all did.

I have some doubts now.

Brother Chaffy... blatant.

Okay, I'm going to do you all a favor,

I'm going to have him skip the next

boring 45 minutes of his sermon.

Wrap it up, Preacher man!

- Now we're going to sing an invitational hymn.

If you are lost and without Christ,

I want you to open up your hearts and accept Him.

It's easy, just bow your head and say,

"Come into my heart, Jesus. I accept thee, Lord."

Then make it public, walk right down this aisle!

Tell the world.

- It's really only a few hundred people,

but Baptists are very dramatic.

- I feel like there's somebody out there needs to be saved.

Let Him into your heart.

Come to Jesus.

Come to Jesus.

- I want to accept Jesus as my personal savior!

- Amen, praise Jesus!

- That's Andrew.

He was my best friend when I was little.

Look at beautiful he was.

Nobody had a soul that deep.

Nobody.

There were four of us.

Four sissies in Calgary Baptist Church.

There were about forty kids in the church,

so ironically it worked out statistically.

Sissy... interesting word.

A negative word, and not something

I ever wanted to be,

but it was the first word I ever heard

that described that part of me.

That part I despised.

Even now, I do not want to be called "sissy."

Gay, fine.

Handsome, masculine, straight

acting gay guy... better.

That's Benny, the biggest sissy of all.

This... is TJ.

Be still my foolish heart.

TJ's Mama died when he was little

and he worked very hard to please

his tight ass military Dad.

He excelled in everything... except loving me.

He was a prize pupil in Sunday School,

he could memorize scriptures better than any of us

and when it came to bible drill, look out!

Ready? Draw swords!

John 3:16!

"For God so loved the world

"that he gave his only begotten son

"that whosoever believeth in Him

"shall not perish, but have everlasting life."

John 3:16.

- "For God so loved the world."

Ironic, huh?

Because this... is where learned to hate ourselves.

Andrew was the first to accept Jesus.

Then Benny, then TJ.

I held out.

Mark Lee Fuller, the thinker.

The one who questioned everything.

- I accepted Jesus as my

personal savior when I was eight years old.

I felt that tug at my heart Sunday after Sunday.

When that invitation would start to play.

When everybody would start to sing Just As I Am,

Softly and Tenderly, or Pass Me Not O Gentle Savior,

I'd feel that tug, and I'd grip that pew.

I didn't quite understand it

accepting Jesus, Him entering your heart.

It was a concept that was beyond my young years,

but I knew that I needed to live my life for Jesus.

I don't want to go to Hell.

Did not want to burn in the lake of fire

where there was weeping and gnashing of teeth.

I didn't know exactly what gnashing of teeth was,

but it did not sound like a good thing.

Preacher told me I'd reach the age of accountability.

I was now accountable for my sins.

Later on I used to think,

just how many sins does an eight year old

really have that he's accountable for?

But Mama said it meant knowing right from wrong

which I did, I mean I knew it was wrong

when I lied to Mama to get out of stuff,

but mostly I was a good kid.

That day, the day I walked down that aisle

at Calgary Baptist Church,

a feeling of... peace.

Of joy and happiness flowed through my entire being.

From that moment I felt... safe.

In the arms of Jesus because

He'd wash my sins away.

All of them.

The ones in the past, and the ones to come.

Lord knows there are plenty to come.

That day, I believed.

That day it was easy.

All the hard stuff came later.

- Let's extend the right hand

of Christian Fellowship to young Andrew here

as we sing our closing song.

* Praise God, from whom all blessings flow;

* Praise Him, all creatures here below;

* Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;

* Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost*

Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost!

- Ooooh, that's a good'un

I'm Odette.

Odette Annette Barnette.

I know, that many rhymes is trashy,

which I am not, thank you very much.

But Mama wanted twins,

she was going to name them Odette and Annette,

but I come out all by my lonesome,

so she just gives me both names

and along with Barnette,

well thus the triple rhyme.

- Well isn't that something?

It's so nice to meet you.

Odette Annette Barnette.

I'm assuming you were raised Southern Baptist.

- Accepted Jesus as my Lord and savior

and was baptized at nine.

Amen!

- Hallelujah!

- I got kicked out here a little while back

over an unfortunate incident

I'd rather not discuss right now.

And you? What's your story?

- Well we have something in common.

I was kicked out early on

when I was found in a precarious situation

with the handsome Assistant Pastor

fresh out of Seminary!

My name is Preston Leroy,

but folks just call me Peanut.

- Nice to meet you, Peanut.

Here's to backsliding Baptists.

- Here's to backsliding homosexual former Baptists.

Here's to sinners that made a redemption!

- No no no, honey, I'm not a lesbian.

I'm an alcoholic.

- Well as for me, I'm just a social drinker.

You have a drink, so shall I.

- That's a good'un.

I like to come here because

there's just no judgment with you people.

The gays don't seem to judge

your behavior like other folk.

- Ho ho ho.

- They just let drunks be drunks, you know?

I don't have to worry about

all the lechers trying to pick me up.

- I see.

- You go ahead and laugh.

Shit, you don't think I get offers?

- I'm sorry.

- Shit, honey, if my bed could talk

it'd never shut up.

You give head like me, word gets out.

You know what I mean?

I had a reputation, a wicked one.

I liked it.

- Oh shit, you think you gays

have the blowjob market cornered.

Hell, I'd put my blowjob up against yours

any time, any place, just say the word.

I was born without a gag reflex.

Need I say more?

- No!

You're ruining my buzz.

- Sorry.

I don't know what makes me talk dirty sometimes.

I'm no showoff! I'm so sorry.

Look there.

Do you know that boy over there?

- Uh uh, no ma'am.

No no no, no siree.

Don't you trifle with that one.

That's love for sale.

They call that boy a traveling ray.

He's got a pecker long as your arm,

and a rap sheet even longer.

- How do you know that?

- I heard.

- Traveling ray, huh?

I thought for a minute...

well, looks like someone from my past.

- I'll bet there are many.

- Well that's for me to know and you to find out.

Oh, sometimes I miss the church.

The hymns.

Old Baptists know how to sing, that's for dang sure!

There was a feeling I got there.

Feeling safe in the arms of Jesus.

But I had to leave.

After that unfortunate incident I'd rather not discuss,

I just had to.

You miss it, Peanut?

- Like a root canal.

- Oh you do too and you know it.

I seen it in your eyes when you was singing.

It was a sadness.

Did it feel like that to you, Peanut?

Safe in the arms of Jesus.

- More like safe in the arms

of the handsome Assistant Pastor.

Fresh out of Seminary!

But we got caught.

His wife found out, then he shot and killed hisself.

It's true.

- Everybody has their truth.

Yours may be different than mine.

This... was mine.

Or would it be this IS mine?

Because right now, at this moment, fortunately,

or unfortunately, I am the sum of me.

Now don't think too hard about

that one because it'll fuck you up.

Thinking has always fucked me up.

Or has it been my salvation?

Now I'm confusing myself by thinking!

The story of my life.

What the hell?

Just try to follow along, folks, will ya?

There will be no timeline here.

You are who you are,

and I am who I am.

Your journey here just might be

different than the person sitting next to you.

That's okay.

It'll be your journey.

Sometimes I close my eyes

and create a perfect world.

A world of acceptance and understanding and love.

Knock Knock!

- But I always wake up.

Yes, it's open, come on in.

- Excuse me, preacher,

but could I talk to you for a minute?

- Well yes, of course.

Oh, hello Mrs. Watson.

Long time, how have you been?

- Oh, fair to middle-in'.

- We sure been missing you in church.

I'm glad you're sending Benny though,

he's a joy to have around.

- Well Sunday is my prison visiting day

with Benny's Mama.

Where I went wrong I have no idea.

Mind if I smoke?

- I'd really rather you not.

- Delinda, my youngest,

gets out in four years.

If she behaves herself.

Good luck with that.

I am stuck raising two more.

- This is part of the church house.

- Oh, well I'm trying to quit anyway.

Look Preacher, I come here because

I need to talk with you about something.

In confidence.

Real, real personal.

- Yes, of course, how can I help you?

- Well I am worried about my grandboy Benny.

- Benny?

Well I would think that Benny would be

a shining light in the turbulent waters here right now.

This is my wife.

- Uh huh.

We've met.

Sweet.

Well he is.

Benny is just a precious sweet little old thing.

But, well, there's just something off.

He just don't seem like other normal little boys.

- In what way?

- Well he likes to play with his sister's dolls.

He don't care a lick about trucks, or guns, or knives.

- Maybe that's best being his Mama's

serving time for holding up that liquor store.

- I guess.

But the other day, I was over

visiting Dixie Van Blarcum next door,

she lives in our mobile home park,

number eight!

She has a real nice double wide.

Once you're inside you wouldn't even know.

Anyway, they had just brought her

home from the hospital

after her hysterectomy.

She had a cyst the size of a cantaloupe!

Woo, thank goodness, benign.

I took over some chicken and dumplings,

my Aunt Booger's recipe.

That's not her real name!

We just call her that.

She had a lot of colds as a child.

- I see.

I know Dixie's husband.

He does handyman work for me here at the church.

Well how's she doing?

- Oh, she's better.

Dixie's Catholic you know.

- I know.

- One step off from Jehovah's

Witnesses if you ask me.

- Now don't get me started on the Mormons,

Buddhists, Islams and Jews.

- I won't!

We don't have time.

Anyway, when I got back from visiting Dixie,

Benny was... my grandboy was...

He was wearing that turquoise dress

I had on last Easter service.

The matching hat, had lipstick on,

and was singing in the mirror

with a hairbrush to some disco song.

By a black woman.

- Oh my...

- It was real loud,

and he didn't seem all that embarrassed

that I caught him.

I'm worried.

He's off, not quite right.

Not in a retarded way.

But in a sissy way.

Oh Preacher, what should I do?

- Well we need to pray for him.

Teach him that such a deviant

behavior is wrong and he's going to be just fine.

Benny's a good little boy with a nice tender heart

and he's going to grow up

to be a good Christian man.

Let's go to the scriptures.

Proverbs 22:6.

"Train up a child on the way he should go,

"and when he is old he will not depart from it."

Ladies and gentlemen, the Rose Room

proudly presents Miss Iowna Traylor!

Come on, Odette!

The drag show's about to start.

* I am a seeker

* A poor simple creature

* There is no weaker than I am

* I am a seeker and you are a teacher

* You are a reacher so reach down

- I'm gay!

* Won't you reach out and lead me

* Guide me and keep me

* In the shelter of your care each day

* I am a seeker and you are a keeper

* You are a leader won't you show me the way

* I am a vessel that's empty and useless

* I am a bad seed that fell by the way

* I am a loser that wants to be a winner

* You are my last hope don't turn me away

He's proud of them titties!

* Hold on though, you are a mountain

* From which there flows a fountain

* So let its water wash my sins away

* Cause I am a seeker and you are a keeper

* You are a leader won't you show me the way!*

Testify, Sister!

- She nailed that one.

- To the cross, honey. To the cross.

- I bet you're wondering what went wrong.

Hell if I know.

Yet this is how I ended up.

Miss Iowna Traylor.

That's T-R-A-Y-L-O-R.

Hottest female illusionist in the

whole damn state of Texas.

Sugar, I am good!

And pretty.

I perform regular here at the Rose Room,

I do Country Divas.

Dolly, Ramona, and Miss Carrie Underwood!

Girl, I do not lip sync.

No, uh uh.

I do not.

I learned to sing early on in the Baptist Church.

Now this is my sanctuary.

I tried to do all the great Divas once,

even the black ones.

Miss Whitney...

Miss Whitney Houston to be specific.

I get so emotional.

The makeup took forever

and all the black women got pissed.

Baby, you do not want to

piss off an LA Brother Queen! Uh uh!

Do not step into their territories.

Besides, my pores opened up

and it took so long for me to be white again

that I actually experienced discrimination.

I was a black homosexual.

Double whammy!

It was not pretty.

I would like to do Tina Turner though.

Just once before I meet my maker.

Oh shit, I'm digressing way too early.

We could be here for days.

Growing up in Texas, Calgary Baptist,

I quickly realized that yes, I was different.

Didn't take no Einstein to figure that one out.

I mean okay, you sometimes look at someone

and you think, "Maybe. He's butch,

"but why does he always play

"that Dreamgirls soundtrack?"

Yeah precious, with me it took one look.

You knew!

I'd make that Focus on the Family

founder James Dobsen question that choice shit.

That is, if he cared enough

to really get to know me.

If he did, his whole world would come

tumbling down like the walls of fucking Jericho.

Then he'd have to deal with

his own tradition, if you know what I mean.

Ever hear, "Thee protest too much, milady?"

So many people question, "Why me?

"Why am I a fag?

"Why do I have this urge to

"roll around naked with a man,

"oh God, please take away these urges!"

Not me, baby.

Uh uh, I embraced those urges at an early age.

It all started behind

Calgary Baptist Church when I was... 13?

I remember it well.

Oh... it's far too naughty to tell this soon.

I don't want to alienate anyone early on.

Maybe later.

When you grow to love me.

Embrace... good work.

See, I embrace what embraces me.

Baptists don't embrace me?

Fuck them!

Fuck James Dobsen!

And Bryan Fisher, those cock sucking

motherfucking son of a bitches.

Both Victoria no talent Jacksons.

Growing pain in my ass Kirk Cameron.

Fuck the Ricks, Perry and Santorum,

and the Pats, Buchanan and Robertson,

and Sarah Palin, fuck her.

George W -- oh and horse face Coulter

Oh and especially fuck Michele "cuntback" Bachmann

and her tired old queen husband Marcus.

Who does she think she's fooling?

Marcus? Oh please.

There has been a cock in that mouth.

You 'Marcus' my words.

But really now, who gives a shit?

Those ass wipe haters can't hurt me.

Wasted energy, if you ask me.

I've got better things to do.

I certainly am not stupid enough to think

that I could change their

fucked up warped little minds.

Not like Mark.

Thinks he can change the world.

I mean give it up, baby.

Be happy.

Oh yeah, sugarplum dumplings.

I'm happy.

Most days.

- Do you feel different?

- Yeah, a little I guess.

- They say you're a changed

person when you accept Jesus.

Do you feel like a changed person?

Because you look exactly the same to me.

- I feel different.

I'm not scared of dying

and going to Hell anymore.

- Boys, y'all quit talking and go to sleep!

A sleepover means you --

- You sleep, we know. Mom.

I am scared of dying.

- Well that's because you

haven't accepted Jesus.

If you would accept him,

you wouldn't feel scared of dying.

- What if I accept him because

I'm just scared of dying and going to Hell,

and I don't do it because I love Jesus or anything?

Then I'm not really for real saved.

- Boys!

- Sorry.

- I'd still go Hell because I did it

and I didn't do it right.

- Mark, stop thinking.

- I can't.

- Dear heavenly Father,

I just ask that you speak to my boy.

Make Mark's heart heavy with conviction Lord,

he needs to accept you as his personal savior.

Speak to him, Lord Jesus.

In your precious holy name I pray.

Amen.

* The B-I-B-L-E

* Yes, that's the book for me

* I stand alone on the Word of God

* The B-I-B-L-E

- That word is a lamp... that word is a lamp...

- Unto! - Unto my feet, and a light unto my path

Psalms 119:105.

* The B-I-B-L-E

* Yes, that's the book for me

* I stand alone on the Word of God

* The B-I-B-L-E

- Yes, from the mouths of babes.

The B-I-B-L-E.

That is the book for me.

This is God's holy word, all of it!

Every last word.

- "Thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind

"it is an abomination." Leviticus 18:22.

- "And all that are in the waters

"that have not fins and scales

"in the seas and in the rivers

"ye shall not eat of their flesh,

"but ye shall have their carcasses in abomination."

Leviticus 11:10 and 11.

In God's eyes,

eating shrimp is just as bad as sucking cock.

* The B-I-B-L-E

* Yes, that's the book for me

* I stand alone on the Word of God

* The B-I-B-L-E

- *I stand alone on the word of God

* The B-I-B-L-E

- Oh lord, that brings back memories.

Vacation Bible School.

Kool-aid, bible stories, and crafts.

I still have my little cigar box

covered with macaroni spray painted gold.

I keep all my valuables in it.

- Well isn't that something.

- What's wrong with you, sug?

You seem a little off tonight.

You ain't singing with conviction.

- "Sing with conviction!"

That's what our preacher brother

Kincaid used to say.

Oh, I'm a little down in the dumps.

I'm getting old, Odette Annette Barnette.

I looked in the mirror tonight

I just about screamed.

- You ought to change all the lightbulbs

out in your house to surprise pink.

I once knew this old stripper named Mitzi...

or was it Laverne?

I do remember this other

Mother daughter stripping team

called The Jugs.

That's a whole different story, tragedy.

Anyway, Mitzi owned this strip

joint called The Boobie Hatch,

and when she got a little long in the tooth

she'd just move back the first row of tables,

change all the light bulbs in the

establishment to surprise pink,

and that extended her stripping career by ten years!

Distance and darkness, honey.

It's a girl's best friend.

That's my motto, Peanut.

- Are you sure you're not a lesbian?

I mean hanging out in them titty bars?

- No, I'm not hanging out in no titty bars, shit.

I used to cocktail over at The Boobie Hatch

before an unfortunate incident I'd rather not

discuss cut short my career there.

I don't much care for lesbians.

- Oooh, no ma'am, they scare me.

Some of them is borderline mean.

You know what I always say,

a woman ought to act like a woman.

A man can act like a woman if he wants to.

I know what'll make you feel better.

I heard something cute as pie yesterday.

If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.

- Well that did it.

My doom has been lifted.

How did we end up like this, Odette?

Old, drunk and pitiful.

- I ain't old.

I still have the best years of my life in front of me.

I got plans.

Shit, I like the way I winded up.

- I don't, I don't like the way I started out.

- Look over there.

That new boy, do you know his name?

- Uh uh, no, ma'am.

No siree, mm-mmm.

Don't you have nothing to do with that boy.

They call that boy Italian Joe,

and honey he's got a temper.

I was sitting on this very bar stool one night

when Italian Joe hauled off and bitch-slapped

this one tired old queen.

Remember that old queen, used to do drag.

- Phyllis Sophic.

- No! Phyllis is dead.

Sheila Noya.

She, and honey she would...

One time, Italian Joe hauled off

and bitch-slapped Sheila Noya

so hard, honey it knocked her teeth out.

Woo, bam!

Remember?

They landed clear over there on the dancing floor

before Sheila could scramble over

there to get her teeth.

Somebody danced there and squashed them.

Like a cockroach!

Honey, that queen went off.

She's, "I'm going to press charges!"

"I'm going to press charges for assault."

She did.

Honey, she pressed charges for assault.

They sent poor Italian Joe up the river.

He come back even meaner.

We cut him a wide pad.

- Thought he looked like

someone I used to know.

That person was so sweet, he wouldn't hurt a flea.

Hey, how come you know all these... kinds.

- Long story, long long story.

- Well my ample ass is glued to

this bar stool until closing, so shoot.

- Well, back in my twenties

when I first started going out to the bars,

I remember I went out and bought me an ensemble.

I thought, "Woo, this is it.

"This is the cat's ass, I'm going to get laid tonight!"

I had on tight black jeans,

black cowboy boots with big heels,

and a black fringe leather jacket.

I walk in this this bar down

the street called Moby Dick's.

It ain't there no more.

Odette, I was feeling so good about myself.

There were two evil queens

laid up against the bar there.

One of them pokes the other one and says,

"Oh look Mary, there's one for you!"

Then they bursted out laughing.

- Well that's just so mean.

- I went home, I threw out that entire outfit

and I started paying for sex.

- You did not!

- I did, and I do.

That way... I can never be rejected.

It's all about bodies and looks

in this little gay world of ours.

I mean look at me, Odette.

I'm just a short weird guy, big ears.

I got hair on my back.

Honey, that's the gay cardinal sin.

Now you can add old to my list of sins.

- Well I think you are just

as cute as a bug in a rug

and I want to take you home

and sit you on my bed

with all my other stuffed animals.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I bet you don't want to fuck me.

- I don't like that word.

- Nobody wants to love me, Odette.

It's the truth.

It's just the sad, sad truth.

- What is truth?

By Mark Lee Fuller, age 14.

Living a life of contradiction,

getting all my old convictions.

Sometimes I feel alone and confused,

other times I just feel used.

By a selfish old society

and home grown false piety,

what is wrong, and what is right,

and is this concept worth the fight?

There's just too much complexity.

What happened to simplicity?

What is truth, what is not?

God, do you have the answers I ain't got?

- You want to know the truth?

- Oh, I guess TJ would be the one with the answers.

TJ always had the answers.

- Here's the real truth.

- As opposed to the false truth.

- This is the truth.

God's truth.

We all have those feelings.

Everybody, it's called temptation.

It's the same as the alcoholic

being tempted to drink,

as the kleptomaniac being tempted to steal.

Pathological liars... same deal.

Everybody's tempted, okay?

It's our cross to bare.

It's God way of testing us.

Of seeing how strong we are.

How much we really love Him.

You deal, you pray, you push it away,

you get rid of the feelings.

God can take them away.

I'm living proof.

I'm living my life for the Lord,

leading a normal life with a woman

the way God intended,

and I am happy.

Yes, I was tempted.

Sure, I gave in to temptation, but no more.

Because I chose not to live in sin.

Not to commit unnatural acts

that are an abomination to God!

I asked for forgiveness

and by the grace of God I am forgiven

and I am happy!

You ever seen a happy queer?

Oh yeah, that's a... great life.

Ironic too.

They took a good word, gay.

It once meant happy.

Now it means something else.

Something evil, and wrong.

The other day I was watching the news

and there they were marching in a gay pride parade

right here in Dallas out on Cedar Springs.

Guys half dressed with nipple rings

which I don't get.

Some of theme barely wearing clothes.

Hugging and kissing on each other.

This close to having sex right on the street.

Then of course there were the drag queens.

Prancing around like a bunch of ugly

Miss America contestants.

Twirling, throwing their batons in the air.

I'm sure Benny was there somewhere.

Dykes on bikes?

Freak show, it was so disgusting.

Most of them drunk out of their minds

or hyped up on dope or something.

Oh yeah, be proud of that!

Be oh so proud!

Better yet... realize your wicked, evil ways.

Repent, folks.

Because there is one answer.

One way, and His name is Jesus Christ!

He loves you.

I love you.

That's the truth.

"The truth shall set you free," John 8:32,

if you ask in prayer, there is nothing,

nothing He can't do.

- Remember that bumper sticker?

"Have you tried prayer today?"

Do you ever pray anymore, Walnut?

- What am I going to pray for?

A growth spurt and less back hair?

No ma'am, I have not tried prayer lately.

- I have.

Every night, for old times sake

I just, I close my eyes and I thank God

for yet another day of life

and all my blessings.

- The list must be endless.

- Now I'm going to start praying for you.

- Well thank you!

I don't think it'll do much good.

I'm all convoluted when it comes to prayer.

My Mama messed me up there.

She still does.

She lives in Louisiana now

for which I am deeply grateful.

She called the other day.

She left the following message:

"Preston," that's my real name,

"I got some wonderful news.

"They found a matching vein in the vein bank,

"and your Uncle Humpty is not going

"to have to have his leg amputated after all.

"Bye bye!"

- I've never herd of a vein bank.

- Well me neither.

But according to Mama they got one.

Somewhere over near Baton Rouge.

Where Humpty found his matching vein

to replace the ruined one that collapsed

due to overeating, over-drinking and over-smoking.

- When will people learn?

- A couple of days later

I get yet another message from Mama.

"Preston," that's my real name,

"Humpty has rejected that vein!

"Because it probably come from somebody colored.

"Or Oriental, or Mexican.

"It was rejected due to unseen forces

"beyond the Doctor's control."

I tell you, Odette, with that logic,

my head was about to explode!

I came this close to calling her back

and saying, "Mama, you reckon God

"was just fucking with him when he

"answers a prayer for the massive

"vein in the first place?"

But I didn't.

I held my tongue.

You know, Odette?

Sometimes I wonder.

Do you think God is up there?

Fucking with us?

Sitting up there on His golden throne

and just looking down upon us.

He's just fucking with...

- I don't like that word...

- Oh, honey.

Oh, you have another drink and stop thinking.

- Nurse!

- You're thinking too much.

- I think too much of life and such.

My mind's confused, my thoughts abused by me.

Mark Lee Fuller, age 12.

- You writing in your journal?

- Yes, Ma'am.

- What's wrong, little big man?

You look troubled.

- I'm worried about my teacher, Mrs. Learner.

- Something wrong with Mrs. Learner?

Does she have cancer?

- No, it's worse.

I found out she's Jewish.

- Well that is worse.

They rejected the Messiah.

The son of God, their entire people.

So tragic.

So sad.

- Mrs. Learner's just so nice.

She's the best teacher I ever had.

- Well nice doesn't get you to Heaven.

Accepting Jesus as your personal savior

gets you to Heaven.

- So all the Jews are all going to Hell?

Even the nice ones?

- Well a few Jews have accepted Jesus.

"Jews for Jesus" they're called.

- But Mrs. Learner isn't a Jew for Jesus.

She told us about Passover and Yom Kippur

and Hanukkah and a bunch of other stuff

they do at their temple,

that's how I found out she was Jewish.

- One year we celebrated Hanukkah.

Our entire church did.

You were too little to remember.

It was during our "Win a Jew to Jesus" Campaign.

We thought we could lure Jews to the church

if we celebrated some of their customs.

It was a lot of work to tell you the truth.

During a very busy time of year,

but oh so much fun!

Everybody got those 'menori' candles and lit them.

We all gave each other little gifts, whatnot.

It was a real good way to kick off Christmas.

- Mrs. Learner's just so nice.

I don't see how, if God is love,

and that if you love the whole world,

that He could send Mrs. Learner to Hell.

- Well baby, there are some

things that we cannot understand.

But someday, when we're up in Heaven,

singing with the angels,

we can ask Jesus and God all the questions

we want and we will understand it better by and by.

You know what?

Mrs. Learner may accept Jesus yet.

The lord works in mysterious ways.

He might just speak right to her

and she'll... become a Baptist.

Is this why you haven't accepted Jesus yourself?

Why you haven't walked down the aisle

and made your public profession of faith?

- I guess so.

I also wonder how God can send Africans to Hell

if they've never heard of Jesus.

Those naked natives in the Amazon?

I mean, it just doesn't seem fair that

if you aren't born in a Christian home

that you would get sent to Hell.

- That's why we have foreign missionaries.

To spread God's wonderful word,

to everybody in the whole wide world,

naked natives, Africans... even the Japanese.

Baby, all these questions mean

that you have reached the age of accountability.

You're 12 years old now

and I, I am worried.

What if we were in a car wreck

and we both died?

I'd go to Heaven.

You would... you would go to Hell.

I would never see you again.

All of your friends have accepted

Jesus Christ as their personal savior.

Andrew, TJ last week,

even that queer little Benny.

- I know.

- Why don't you make your

profession of faith public

and you and TJ can be baptized together.

Oh, I'll make a big roast dinner to celebrate.

With potatoes, carrots and gravy.

I'll cook it all night in the crock pot!

That roast will just so be so tender

just like you like it.

TJ can spend the night.

I mean with him Motherless and all.

You know his strict old Daddy

won't do anything special.

Let's make it a special day, baby.

- So if I get saved and baptized,

TJ can spend the night?

* O happy day, that fixed my choice

* On Thee, my Savior and my God

- And upon profession of your faith in Him,

I baptize thee Thomas James Brooks.

In the name of the Father and of the Son.

And of the Holy Spirit.

Amen!

* Happy day, happy day, when Jesus

* washed my sins away

- Upon profession of your faith in Him,

I baptize thee Mark Lee Fuller.

In the name of the Father and of the Son

and of The Holy Spirit.

Amen!

* Happy day, happy day, when Jesus

* washed my sins away

- Well we did it.

- Yeah, we did it; we're saved.

Now if we die we'll go straight to Heaven.

- Yup, we get to meet Jesus.

- Ask him all those questions.

I've got a real long list too.

But that's a long time away.

I mean I don't want to die yet, do you?

- No, but you know it could happen at any time.

Remember when Dwayne Hickey died

of an asthma attack when we were in Kindergarten?

Do you think he reached the age of accountability?

- What?

- Nothing.

- Well do you?

- What?

- You know, had he reached

the age of accountability, he was six,

do you think he's in Heaven or Hell?

- Who?

- Dwayne Hickey!

He had that asthma attack in Kindergarten and died.

You think he reached the age of accountability?

- I don't think he had.

I think God, because he was Catholic you know...

- I know.

Oh hurry up, they're going to extend

the right hand of Preacher fellowship!

- So...

- What?

- I'm glad we got baptized together.

- Me too.

- Yes, the angels are rejoicing in Heaven.

With young Mark and TJ getting washed,

the bud of the lamb,

we're goin' to extend the

right hand of Christian fellowship

as soon as we get them out here.

Hey, ya'll boys come on, hurry up!

Now we're going to adjourn over the annex

for the Coverdish Fellowship.

Rumor has it that Sister Fuller has blessed us

with another one of her famous recipes.

What'll it be this week, Sister?

- Shrimp gumbo casserole!

- Yum yum!

- That day is forever planted in my memory.

First being baptized, and then those feelings.

That blend of religious and sexuality

was just almost too much for my

almost teenage body to deal with.

I was supposed to feel different... and I did.

But now in hindsight on that day,

the day of my baptism,

my 12 year old 11 month body and soul...

fell in love for the first time.

* Hallelujah! Thine the glory.

* Hallelujah! Amen.

* Hallelujah! Thine the glory.

* Revive us again.

Hallelujah! Thine the glory.

Hallelujah! Amen.

* It's 4 a.m. baby, you hate your life,

* alone again, just you and too much time

* If only you would know to

* feel the God in your life.

* It's raining again, no stars tonight,

* You tell yourself you need a satellite

* Drive away, drive away,

* Until you shine

* Because you know it's a crazy world

* and we are still alive.

* Yeah, it's a crazy world

* Don't let it calm down

* Down on it

* You feel his skin, but it don't feel right

* You try again just to close your eyes

* I don't even know if

* you are the keeper of your own life

* Slipping away, now what's your name?

* Too much broken glass on your broken cages

* Just pulling you down in chains

* But hey it's a great big world

- Welcome to the Devil's playground!

Yes it is!

There are all kinds of rides

Satan wants you to get on.

He wants you to get

on that old tilt-a-whirl of drugs.

But let me tell you where you get off,

ol' Satan's going to let you off

in the gutter, in the street.

He's not going to pick you up either.

He's just going to leave you there to rot!

- Please God, make it go away!

- But Jesus will.

Then Satan wants you to wander

in that old fun house of alcohol.

Oh yeah, it might be fun, drunk out of your mind,

but look out!

That next morning, when you wake up,

you find yourself let off in the same gutter

that the dope addict is in!

With a pretty bad headache.

- God, make it go away!

- Then there's that ol'

merry-go-round of sex.

Carnal desires of the flesh.

You'd be wanting to get on

that old sex merry-go-round

again and again and again,

but when you get off,

you just find yourself empty, sad, and lonely.

Oh yeah, that old sex merry-go-round

is alluring, folks.

Desires, desires of the flesh.

We all have them!

But only God can take them away!

Oh God! - Oh God!

- Release us from the bondages of sin!

Oh Jesus! - Jesus!

- Keep us away from the temptations of the flesh.

Amen.

- Stop it!

What are you doing?

- Kissing you.

- Don't do that again.

I mean it, don't ever try and do that again.

I got to go, my Dad's going to get home.

- It was a kiss, big deal.

You've done a lot more than that.

Come on, lay down with me.

We can listen to some music.

- I can't.

Why do you always do that?

Just "cum" and go.

- Shut up Mark, that's not funny.

- My folks won't be back for at least another hour,

come on, maybe we can do it again.

- Stop it, Mark!

- What's your problem?

- I don't like this feeling, alright?

- Well it seemed like you liked it,

oh say two minutes ago.

You seemed to have liked it all summer long.

- Well I don't!

You tried to kiss me, you tricked me.

- Tricked you?

- Yeah, and I'm not going to kiss a guy,

it's wrong, Mark.

I don't like this feeling right now,

and I can't do it anymore.

I just can't.

- You always say that.

- This time I mean it.

It's this pull.

It's the Devil, Mark.

I want to live my life for Jesus.

- I love you, TJ.

- In Christ. You love me in Christ.

- No, not in Christ.

I think about you all the time.

It's not just getting off, it's more.

That's why I kissed you because... I love you.

- I'm not a fag.

I don't ever want to be a fag, okay?

I hate this, I just... hate it.

That awful feeling after?

It's wrong.

I want to live my life for Jesus, I got to go.

- No don't go!

- Let go of me!

Let go of me!

- Come on TJ, please!

Please, please, I know you feel it too,

you're just scared, I'm scared too.

- We have to love girls, Mark!

We can't kiss, we can't love each other,

we just can't love, not like that, it's wrong.

- How can love be wrong?

- Because God says it is.

That kind is wrong, it says so in the bible.

- Well then I think that God's wrong.

- Shut up!

- Because I know how I feel --

- Shut up, just shut up, it's Satan!

It's the Demon, he's making us have these feelings.

- I know I can't help it, and I love you,

- It's over, it's over, that's it, it's over!

Stay away from me!

- Okay!

Okay...

We'll just be friends.

We won't do it anymore.

We'll just be friends, okay?

- I can't.

I'm sorry, but I can't be around you anymore.

I don't want to be one of them, Mark.

I want to live my life for Jesus.

- TJ, no, please --

- Stay away from me, you faggot!

- TJ!

- TJ!

- Oh my God... oh my God!

* You don't know where love went,

* oh but nothing's making sense

* You both know you can't fake it anymore

* Don't look back; don't break your will

* Don't look back at him until

* You're far enough to let your feelings show

* Don't look back into those eyes

* You've gone back so many times

* It's over now, you've got to let him go

* There's a time for everything including leaving

* There's a time the heart admits defeat

*And starts its grieving

*So don't look back; don't break your will

* Don't look back at him until

*You're far enough to let your feelings show

* Don't look back into those eyes

* You've gone back so many times

* It's over now, you've got to let him go

* It's over now, you've got to let him go

* Let him go.

- Help me.

* Sing the wondrous love of Jesus,

* Sing His mercy and His grace

* In the mansions bright and blessed

* He'll prepare for us a place.

* When we all get to Heaven,

* What a day of rejoicing that will be

* When we all see Jesus

* We'll sing and shout the victory*

- Oh yes, what a day of rejoicing that will be.

- Here we go again!

- I hope you all are going to join me up there.

- I'd love to, but I've heard I'm not welcomed.

- Because I'm on my way!

I'm bound for glory.

- Well good for you.

- To be with my Lord and savior for eternity.

- Amen.

- Now can you imagine seeing the face of Jesus.

- No I can't, never was able to.

- I've got my ticket, folks.

- Okay, I've heard this before.

- "If a man also lie with mankind

"as he lies with a woman,

"both have committed an abomination.

"They shall surely be put to death,

their blood shall be upon them."

Leviticus 20:13.

- Same chapter, 18th verse.

"If a man shall lie with a woman, having her sickness,

"and shall uncover her nakedness,

"he hath discovered her fountain,

"and she hath uncovered the fountain of her blood,

"and both of them shall be cut

"off from among their people."

Ewww!

That one makes me glad I'm gay.

So... extreme adolescence kicked in for all of us.

Desires of the flesh.

Pains of the heart.

Mixed with fundamentalist doctrine,

fucked with us all in various ways.

Inside, I started questioning big time.

Questioning God, questioning my parents,

questioning everything, trying to make sense of it all.

None of it did.

When did it start?

When did I realize--

- I remember when it started.

I mean when it really started,

when I knew I was in trouble.

- I know the exact moment

I knew I was different, that I wasn't

made of nails and snails and puppy dog tails.

- Sure, I remember when I first realized

that I was sometimes somewhat attracted to guys.

- I had discovered... masturbation.

See my Mom had bought me "No Strings Attached."

N'Sync's amazing CD.

I realized that when I... did that, masturbate,

that I was thinking about, well, Lance Bass.

And JC Chasez... and Justin.

I tried to stop doing that while thinking of them.

I even tried switching from

Justin over to Britney once, but... I lost focus.

Got up and put on her genius

"Oops, I did it again," CD and I just started dancing.

Now I've... done some things... with guys.

Gone to places I shouldn't have.

I tried to stop.

I prayed, but... I guess,

well, I'm still not praying hard enough.

I read this book for English class

called "Of Human Bondage."

By W. Somerset Maugham.

There was this part that I couldn't get off of my mind.

There's this kid, Phillip Carey,

who had a club foot.

He heard his uncle the Vicar,

like a Preacher or Priest,

preach a sermon about this scripture,

"All things whatsoever, ye shall ask in prayer

"believing ye shall receive," Matthew 21:22.

Phillip Carey decided that he was going to pray

every day for God to heal his club foot,

make it whole, normal, and he set a date

that on a certain date he would be healed.

He prayed so hard.

But on that date he woke up, all excited,

reached down and... he still had the club foot.

He stopped believing.

I got scared when I read that

because I could relate.

That that part of me, that thing inside of me,

that won't go away was like

Phillip Carey's club foot.

And it's all bullshit and no matter

how hard I'd pray God would never take it away.

But then I thought no, that's fiction.

This is reality.

Like our Preacher would say,

"God tests us and makes us stronger,"

so I kept praying.

Praying harder for God to take it away.

But sometimes, at night, right before I go to sleep,

my mind wanders and... this man is in my bed.

Holding me... tight.

We don't have sex, and it's not about sex.

But he kisses me, sweetly.

He whispers in my ear,

"You're okay, Andrew. Just as you are.

"I'll take care of you."

I start to fall asleep finally feeling safe in his arms.

But then all of a sudden I bolt up

and realized where I am.

Who I am, and what I am, and that

I'm really all alone.

So alone.

I get really scared

that it'll never go away.

Like Phillip Carey's club foot.

I start crying and praying, "God, please!

"Please take it away!"

It takes me forever to fall back asleep.

- Well I guess I can tell my story now!

Because you've grown to love me and all.

I mean darlings, what's not to love?

But straights be warned,

my little tale of debauchery's a little graphic,

so... take a deep breath because my tale

of teenage hormones run a muck is forthcoming.

It all happened after RAs,

Royal Ambassadors for Christ.

This was our meet group.

Like a Christian Boy Scouts,

camp outs and rope tying

laced with a good dose of the bible.

Not my cup of tea.

One of our leaders even taught

us to tie a hangman's noose.

Very bent, very scary.

Anyway, my trashy grandmother

was supposed to pick me up

and give TJ a ride home,

and she was late again.

Probably fell asleep drinking

Thunderbird out of the bottle

while watching Jerry Springer on the TV.

She wonders, "What did I do wrong

"that all my kids ended up in prison?"

Oooh, don't get sidetracked on that!

Anyway, everybody else had left

and me and TJ were playing out back

some kind of tag game or something,

I can't remember.

What I do remember is that TJ had caught me

and wrestled me to the ground

and we started rolling around.

Well I started getting a hard on.

While TJ was holding my hands to the ground,

his face above mine,

and I could feel that rock hard pre-teen dick

pressed against mine.

I got one of my hands loose, reached down,

and slid it between our jeans.

I started rubbing!

It just seemed like the right thing to do, okay?

He looked at me in horror.

Then he cam -- Bam, just like that!

I felt the explosion through his jeans

and suddenly my hand was wet.

I vaulted up, it scared the shit out of me.

TJ freaked out, said, "Get off of me!"

Pushed me, and at that very moment...

My drunk Grandma.

Sitting in her ten year old Delta '88

in front of the church.

TJ scrambled, "Oh shit!"

Pulled his shirt tail out to cover the cum stain,

we ran to the front of the church,

got in my Grandmother's car,

she waved off.

We never said a word about it.

To this day... just acting like it never happened!

Just like good sinners often do.

But that day, I embraced who I was.

I landed.

You know what's frightening?

It still lingers.

Creeps up on you every now and then

and scares the shit out of you!

I don't know, being raised Southern Baptist...

it's like some chromosome or something.

Engrained, part of my fabric, part of my makeup.

But let me tell you a little secret, dumplings.

Sometimes when I'm in a deep sleep

and a plane flies overhead, or thunder sounds,

any loud noise at all, the sound barrier is broken,

I bolt up thinking it's the Rapture.

That Jesus Christ Himself is

bursting through the clouds.

I'm scared out of my wits.

Knowing I will be left behind.

I'm sitting there up in bed,

my heart is beating a mile a minute,

I'm hyperventilating, tears streaming down my face.

For one split second, before reality hits,

I think I'm a goner.

Left behind all the other sinners

to burn in that lake of fire for eternity

where there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

I wonder... how God could be so unfair.

- It was with Benny, after RAs,

but unlike the others I knew it was

carnal urges of the flesh.

I mean at that young age

with your body changing and your young hormones

raging, you could brush up against

a doorknob and fall in love.

If it had been a girl I was wrestling with,

in theory... same thing would

have happened I'm sure.

Benny? Please.

Not the kind of guy I'm attracted --

I mean would be attracted to.

You know what I mean.

I went home, took those jeans off

and washed them out in the sink

with Joy dish washing detergent.

I scrubbed and scrubbed to get that stain out.

"Spit and polish," that's what my Daddy always said.

Then I got in the shower and scrubbed myself

like there was no tomorrow.

I was red all over from scrubbing.

I felt so dirty.

But in the shower, I started praying

for forgiveness and suddenly a miracle happened.

My young soul felt clean again.

It was weird.

I washed my physical body,

and my soul was washed by the blood of the lamb.

It was like God let that happen

so I could realize his omnipotence

and I knew that if I ever was tempted again,

I could handle it.

Sure, there was that period with Mark.

I have to admit, I just... lost my head.

That emotional connection that happens with friends,

especially at that age when you're

in such a transitional state from boy to man.

I miss the friendship.

But since him, I have never strayed, not once.

That day when I told him it was over,

I walked away and I never looked back!

Jesus took away those urges.

I did my part too.

I worked on my walk.

Tape recorded my voice over and over

until I eliminated any trace, any sound of sissy,

from my being.

I worked with the Lord.

The Great Physician, The Great Teacher,

and He healed my simple soul, He did.

Yes, He did; praise the Lord!

"Be not deceived.

"Neither fornicators, nor idolators,

"nor adulterers nor effeminate,

"shall inherit the Kingdom of God."

First Corinthians 6:9 and 10.

New Testament.

God's word.

God's truth speaking right through me.

Thank you, Lord.

Thank you, Jesus.

I've been redeemed.

Redeemed by the blood of the lamb.

Amen.

- My Mama always taught me to love my Daddy.

Love my Mama, to love Elvis,

and most of all to love Jesus.

I think I embraced her teaching

with a little too much fervor.

See, I have a confession to make.

The day I really knew I was in trouble

was when I realized that I had a crush... on Jesus.

And Elvis.

The King of the Jews and The King of Rock & Roll.

All my boyfriends have looked a lot like Jesus.

Or Elvis, or a nice combination of the two.

I always thought Elvis could have played Jesus

in one of those biblical movies.

If he had been a good actor.

Or maybe Jesus Christ Superstar

because then all he'd have to do is sing.

Although I think he was all boozed and doped up

by then and had gotten fat.

We cannot have a fat Jesus.

We got to have a lean, hard bodied Jesus

like the one I had a crush on.

The one on the cross in that picture

wearing nothing but a loincloth

and a crown of thorns.

He had a swimmer's build.

I mean come on!

Jesus was hot!

I know, I know, blasphemous, I'll burn in Hell now.

What else is new?

There was just something about that picture.

It was much more than just the physical,

it was the... agony on his face.

The pain.

All my boyfriends have been in agony or pain

or a combination of the two.

I'm so fucking co-dependent,

when I die, someone else's life

is going to flash before my eyes.

If someone asks me, "What's your type?"

I just say, "Needy, fucked up,

"sometimes unemployed, most of the time

"with no car or a place to live,

"but always really really cute.

"A young combination of Elvis and Jesus."

What's that about?

I mean, here I've spent my life

working on myself, and defending to the world

who I am after the Baptists fucked me up.

Oops, correction, after I "allowed"

the Baptists to fuck me up.

See, I've had a little therapy too.

Sometimes, sometimes I think Benny's right.

Just live your life, let them live their's,

and shut the fuck up!

But I can't.

Because as hard as I try, as much as I do,

the self hatred, that feeling instilled in me of being...

Less than.

I can't even be attracted to someone complete.

Because deep down, and I know

in my head that it's wrong,

but deep down... I guess I don't really

believe that I deserve anyone better.

Mama taught me to love Daddy and her,

and Elvis... and Jesus.

But she forgot to teach me to love myself.

* Savior, savior, hear my humble cry

* While on others Thou art calling,

* Do not pass me by.

* You take one down,

* pass it around,

*no more bottles of beer on the wall*

- Hoo wee, that was fun!

That's a lot of verses.

Well we cleared the place.

- We sure did.

I've been thinking.

- Woo, that could be dangerous.

About what?

- Maybe I could have made something out of my life.

Being somebody.

- Besides a barfly?

- Oh hush!

You know, like a nurse, or a Doctor,

or a dental hygienist.

- I see.

- Something besides a 911 Operator.

- You work for 911?

Lord help us all.

When do you work?

You're always here drunk.

- Worked. Worked, past tense.

There was an unfortunate incident

I'd rather not discuss, cut short my career there.

Had to do with me being fed up with customers.

- "Odette was not playing well with others."

That's all you're going to get.

How is Humpty's leg?

- Which one?

You are so funny.

Gays are so witty.

You smell good too.

- Why thank you.

It's my new scent.

It's called "Come to Me."

Does it smell like cum to you?

- Trash mouth!

You know, I bet if you'd've put your mind to it

you could have done some

of that stand up comedian-ing-ing.

Look there.

Do you know that boy,

the one that's twitching?

- Uh uh, no, ma'am.

No no, no siree, uh uh.

Don't you have nothing to do with that boy.

They call that boy Booyah.

- Booyah?

- It mean rock in Africa.

It means he's addicted to the rock cocaine.

When Booyah gets to sucking on that crack pipe,

there's not telling what'll happen.

I was sitting on this very bar stool one night

when Booyah started slapping at hisself.

Honey, he thought there

was bugs crawling on him.

Paul from behind the bar

grabbed a can of Raid.

Gave him a good squirt.

It seems to calm him down.

We avoid Booyah at all costs.

I suggest that you do the same.

- Well, in these shadows,

I thought... guess not.

I've grown so fond of you.

These last few weeks.

- Well thank you.

I think you're real special too.

- Well thank you.

That means so much.

Oh, hey, fermented cheese sandwich?

I made it myself.

Now the secret to good fermented cheese

is a little paprika.

- Well thank you.

Don't mind if I do.

Yeah, Mama's made at me because I ain't

sent my Uncle Humpty a get well card.

She always starts in on with me by saying,

"Soooon..."

She draws out the word, "Soooon..."

as if she's in deep pain.

I can always tell she's upset with something

I have or have not done by

the way she draws out the word "sooooon..."

She says, "Soooon... it would not hurt you

"pick up a pen, write your one legged Uncle

"a get well card."

- She did not say that.

- She did too.

I said, "Mama, I've been busy."

She says, "Oh son, are you at least praying for him?"

I said, "Mama, is he still smoking?"

She said, "Yeah, I believe so."

I said, "Well I'm not going to pray

"for him until he stops."

God helps those that helps themselves.

That's what I subscribe to.

- Amen, I'll drink to that.

- Well so shall I!

Odette, my while family is just trash.

I'm the only one that rose above.

- I can relate.

I like white trash.

When I was a young woman,

about 25, I had to move back in with my Mama

and my baby brother over in Genton

on Truid Street.

Not the best section of town.

Because of the fact that my first marriage fell apart

over an unfortunate incident

I'd rather not discuss right now.

I was trying to get back on the straight and narrow

because along with the failed marriage

I had manifested a little drinking problem back then.

- Back then?

- Anyway, we were surrounded by trashy neighbors.

Trash, trash, trash, trash everywhere!

They're most good people, but trash.

Next door were the Henkles

who had four goats and more kids

than anybody that wasn't Catholic

that I have ever known.

Farm animals and naked kids

running around in the front yard,

just so trashy, don't you think?

- I agree.

I agree wholeheartedly.

- Well they had one little

dough-headed kid named Kyle.

Used to write his name by tee-teeing

on the side of my house.

I wonder what penitentiary he's in today.

Sometimes if he ran out pee,

he only wrote K-Y or K-Y-L,

he'd get all frustrated, throw a big temper tantrum.

I remember calming him down once

and I said, "Kyle, you have got to drink more water.

"You save the writing for when you really got to go."

- That's good advice.

That's very sound.

- God knows why I supported such behavior,

but it seemed to be the only thing

that gave that child a sense of accomplishment.

That is very important for self esteem, you know?

- God, there are twists and turns to your stories.

- Twists and turns, Peanut.

That's my life.

You have no idea, Peanut.

You have no earthly idea.

- Well you've inspired me to go tee-tee.

I got to shake the dew off my lily pad.

- Don't you write your name on the wall.

Buddy!

Oh, Buddy...

- There's a rage deep inside me

that burns into my soul.

There's a hate that rush through me,

I can't seem to control.

Mark Lee Fuller, today.

Where do I put this fire?

Where do I put this burning,

raging fire of anger inside of me?

Who the fuck do I lash out at?

I need to lash out, I need to blame someone.

- Oh, Mark has a column now!

"Who the fuck do I lash out at?

"Mother, Preacher, God,

"I need to lash out.

"I need to blame someone."

Very angry, very hostile.

That boy will die trying to change the world,

bless his precious little heart.

You know, I've been doing a little

thinking myself lately.

Perhaps... perhaps the world

is exactly the way it should be.

Perhaps we're all right.

The fags, the Baptists, the Muslims,

the Jews, the Buddhists.

The... Republicans.

Could it be that this life, this existence

is like a beautiful stain glassed window?

Our beliefs, their beliefs, everybody's beliefs,

our makeup, our skin color, our sexual orientation,

is right.

That God is the light that shines

through that stain glassed window.

All the colors, all the beauty.

Is created because of our differences.

- Oh please!

What about Matthew Shepard?

What about Andrew?

Were they part of some beautiful

stain glassed God backlight window,

yeah that makes perfect sense!

What a fucking crock of shit!

- Well think about it!

It makes sense.

Even if it doesn't, it gets me through life.

I'm happy!

I'm very, very happy.

- You're not fucking happy!

You just hide out in a club

under makeup and dresses and songs.

You don't know who the fuck you are

because you're always pretending

to be someone else!

At least I'm trying to figure this out.

At least I'm striving for honest, real happiness

in a real world, and I'm not fucking happy,

but I'm not living behind some fucking

drag queen facade either!

Okay, I've got issues.

I've fucking got issues.

Lashing out at Benny, the sweetest guy in the world.

That is not who I should lash out at.

I do hope he's happy.

Where do I put this fire?

Where do I put this burning raging fire inside of me?

In my work?

In this endless research I'm obsessed with?

Or my column that I can only get

published in The Pink Triangle, please.

That's preaching to the choir.

He's right.

I do want to change the world, I do.

But I want to stop feeling this hate.

It doesn't feel good to hate back.

Where do I put this hate?

Sometimes I close my eyes

and create a perfect world.

A world of acceptance and understanding and love.

A world where people change,

a world where all are accepted.

- Welcome back to Calgary Baptist, TJ.

- But I always wake up.

* So I'll cherish the old rugged cross,

* Till my trophies at last I lay down;

* I will cling to the old rugged cross,

* And exchange it some day for a crown.*

- Well I see we have some

once, maybe twice a year Christians here today.

You darken our door on

Easter and around Christmas.

You think that's enough to

keep your reservation in Heaven!

Well I'm going to tell you the truth,

and I'm not going to sugarcoat it either

because God is speaking through me here today.

- Praise God.

- Now you can have a part time job.

You can have a part time hobby,

but you cannot have a part time religion.

You cannot be a part time Christian.

- Amen.

- Can't mix the carnal, secular life

with the spiritual life.

You can't worship Jesus, celebrate his resurrection,

and then make the Easter Bunny more important.

All these pagan rituals tick me off, they really do.

There is no Easter Bunny

running around cross country!

There are no eggs hidden behind

these feet on the cross.

There was no chocolate covered

bunnies hidden in the tomb!

Mary Magdalene...

You know, Mary Magdalene did not have

an Easter Egg color party for the disciples

on the night before Christ arose!

Let me tell you something else.

There was no elf in the manger with baby Jesus!

- Amen.

- There was no reindeer mingling with

the cows and the donkeys!

Santa Claus did not leave gifts for our savior

and put them underneath the Christmas tree.

You cannot mix it all up, my brethren.

It just does not work like that!

Don't get me started on Halloween!

- I won't!

Okay, church is over, go on Preacher, get out!

You too, Mothers.

All of you, Brother Chappy, get out!

I've had it!

Last time we talked.

Easter Sunday, Spring Break,

our Freshman year at college.

I turned around and his military Dad

and his big haired Baylor girl

were headed out the door.

He lingered.

On purpose I'm convinced.

I turn back and our eyes met.

- Hey, Mark.

- Hey.

- So... how's it going?

- She's pretty.

- Thanks.

- For a girl.

- Don't.

- You're prettier.

- Obviously we still can't

have a real conversation.

- Obviously you've lost your sense of humor

along with all those horrible carnal male-male urges.

- Goodbye, Mark.

- Okay, I'm sorry, I'll stop.

Let's... go for that real conversation we never had.

- Real?

- Yeah.

Real.

Let's go to the old RA room, more private.

Or don't you trust yourself?

- Honey, I'll be right there!

- Sweet.

You never called me honey.

- Stop.

- So...

- So.

- How's Baylor?

- It's great.

I majored in region, emphasize in New Testament,

going to do some church work and --

- That's great, groovy, awesome, good luck with that.

I was thinking all during the service about you.

About us.

- Don't do this.

- Just let me finish!

I was thinking, I'm the only

true friend you ever had, TJ.

- What are you talking about?

- True friendship.

Isn't that about unconditional love, no pretenses?

Then, back then that Summer,

you were able to be who you really are with me.

There was never any judgment,

not from me there wasn't.

You'll never have that again, TJ.

- I wasn't myself back then, Mark.

I am myself now.

This is the real me.

- Well "Cybil", we all have to believe

what we have to believe.

- The bible is very clear, Mark.

Leviticus 20:13, "If a man also --"

- Yeah, and the same book also says

to buy slaves from the nations around you!

- Give me my bible!

- But no Baptist I know of

has purchased a good strong Mexican worker

or a strapping Canadian lately.

Hell, Deuteronomy says rebellious children

shall be stoned at the gates of the city!

- You can justify anything,

but it doesn't make it right!

- Exactly!

You can't argue with me because

I know everything you know and more!

- You are so righteous in your unrighteousness.

- I'm leaving the church, TJ.

- Leaving?

- Yup.

Walking right out that door today

and never coming back.

Never going to step foot in a Baptist Church again.

- Yeah, I'm going to miss it.

The music, the hymns, the sweet old ladies.

The religious fellowships.

That feeling I get right here.

So many good people, so many good intentions.

How do you embrace something

that doesn't embrace you, TJ?

How?

How do you stop the hate,

that is spewed in the name of the Lord?

- You are so lost, Mark.

- Me?

Well yeah, to a degree, maybe I am.

But someone has to fight for me.

It is my desire to find me, okay?

So I'm going on a quest, a journey.

I'm going to start by telling the truth.

It's Easter, TJ.

Resurrection.

Rebirth, a new beginning.

The bible says the truth

shall set you free! - Shall set you free.

- Well I'm going to be free,

and I'm not going to be a liar anymore like some people.

- I am not a liar!

- You're a fraud, TJ!

A big fat liar!

So was I, but no more.

You go ahead and you live your "normal" life

with little Miss Precious --

- Sally!

- Which will never be normal. - Her name is Sally!

- Sally? Her name is Sally?

Of course it is, how perfect!

- You're a jerk!

- You're pathetic!

- You may be a fag, but I'm not!

It was what it was, sin,

so you listen to me and you listen to me good,

I never loved you, Mark.

Not like that, I never ever loved you!

- Goodbye, TJ.

Have a real good life.

I'm sure you'll be extremely happy.

- I am happy!

You're just jealous because I'm happy.

- Old Testament TJ, the books of Samuel.

"The soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David,

"and Jonathan loved him as his own soul."

Thy love to me was wonderful.

Passing the love of women.

I bet she'll never love you as hard as I did.

- Sister, are you okay?

- Yes, just a little troubled today.

My heart is heavy.

That was a real good sermon, Preacher.

You made a real good point

about the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus.

- Well give God the glory,

He spoke right through me.

Why is your heart heavy?

- Oh, well I need to talk to you

about something in confidence.

- Brother Chaffy.

Could you give us a minute?

- Of course.

- I'm so worried about my boy Andrew,

there is just something not right.

- What seems to be the problem?

- Well... this is just so embarrassing,

but, well, my boy Andrew,

he just doesn't seem to be interested in girls.

- Maybe that's because he's

interested in the Lord.

- No, that's not it.

Ever since he started Junior College,

I have to threaten him within an inch of his life

to get him to darken the doors of the church.

- I noticed he'd been missing church lately,

but you know that sometimes happens at his age.

He'll come back to the fold.

Remember, train up a child...

- and his interests seem to be, well, sissified.

- Sissified?

- Yes, sissified.

- Sissified how so?

- Well, there was an incident.

Something's happened.

My boy, well, I think... I think he does things

that normal boys his age just don't do.

It all started when I noticed that

all of my mail order catalogs were missing,

the Sears, the JC Pennys, you know.

- You think your boy took them?

- I know he took them.

I found them in his room

with all the pages of the men's underwear

section dog-eared.

- Oh my.

- See, I was cleaning up,

not snooping like he says I do,

and I saw a trail of ants

and I went and got a can of Raid,

and I followed the ants

and they seemed to be nesting

inside the dresser somewhere

so I pulled out the drawers

and there laying under the drawers

was my Sears catalog and my JC Penny catalog

and... well, some other stuff.

- What other stuff?

- A Playgirl magazine, a bottle of baby oil,

and some stuck together hand towels

and that is where the ants were coming from!

- My oh my.

What did you do?

- Well I put everything back.

That was only two days ago.

I can't even look him in the eyes now.

I just don't want him to be one of... them.

I couldn't stand it.

Andrew is all I have left.

I want grandchildren, what am I going to do?

- Well you need to get into his hiding place,

take out his stuff and then put it on his bed.

Leave him a note.

That says, "We need to talk."

- Oh Lord, this is going to be awkward.

- You have to do this.

- I know, okay, okay.

- Let's take this to our heavenly Father.

- Yes.

- I think we better kneel on this one.

Dear heavenly Father,

thank you for all you've given us.

- Yes, Lord.

- Thank you for our wonderful children.

- Yes, Lord.

- Thank you for Andrew.

- Yes, Lord.

- Oh Lord, we pray that Andrew

stop his sissified behavior.

- Yes, Lord!

- "Train up a child on the way he should go,

"and when he is old he will not depart from it."

* Woah... there's something on my mind.

* Won't somebody please, please

* tell me what's wrong?

- I'll tell you what's wrong; you're white!

* What you say?

* Hey hey hey hey heeeeeey

* Yeeeeah!

* One more time

* Tell me about it

* Listen, he's got me smiling

* when I should be ashamed

* Got me laughin' when my heart is in pain

* Oh no, I must be a fool

* Cause I do anything you ask me to

* Tell me one more time

* Oooooh yeeeeah

* One more time

* Now listen, without my man I don't want to live

* You think I'm lying but I'm telling you like it is

* He's got my nose open and that's no lie

* And I, I'm gonna keep him satisfied

* Tell me one more time

* Oooooh my God

* Tell me how come

* One more time

* Tell me

* Tell me one more time

* Hey yeah yeah yeah yeeeeeah

* Tell me one more time

- You see that boy?

That beautiful boy over there.

- The one that's making out with my stripper?

- Oh, he looks just like Buddy.

- Buddy? Who's Buddy?

- My baby brother.

He was... troubled.

- Oh honey, aren't we all?

- I lied to you, Peanut.

- Lied to me? About what?

Honey, what's the matter?

- I've grown to like you so much

these past few weeks.

You're my best friend now.

I can't do this anymore.

I can't keep up this facade.

I'm not who you see here.

I'm not nearly as together as you think.

- Stop it.

Honey please, don't cry.

I just hate it when people cry.

- I want to tell you why I really come here.

The truth, confession time.

Time to testify.

- Okay.

- I come here because of my brother.

I come trying to find Buddy.

I told him not to tell anyone.

Just to keep it to himself and he'll be okay.

I told him we would pray about it

that we'd pray about it,

that we'd pray it away

because, "I can do all things

"that Christ would strengthen with me."

Philippians 4:13.

Mama and me took him to a a revival meeting

over in Ponder.

That was that same time we was all

living on Truid Street right by trash goats,

and he rededicated his life to the Lord.

He walked down that aisle again,

said he wanted to repent.

Live his life through Jesus.

We was so happy.

The three of us back in church

living our lives for Jesus.

But two weeks later, Buddy come home

around 3 or 4 in the morning

smelling like bourbon and cigarettes.

I was so mad!

I knew where he'd been.

One of these places that I didn't want

my baby brother to be one of them.

It got so ugly.

He was crying and saying

he had tried and he couldn't help it.

I said that I'd stop drinking.

If I could do that, he could stop too.

And if he didn't stop,

that God was going to send

him to burn in Hell

with the murderers and the adulterers

and thieves and drunkards

and I didn't want his kind under my roof!

Well... he stopped screaming, crying.

He just looked up at me with huge, betrayed eyes.

He walked out that door on Truid Street.

He didn't take one item of his belongings.

Buddy never came back.

My spirit is crippled, broken.

Now I'm thinking maybe you was right.

Maybe God is sitting up there

on his golden throne just fucking with us!

That beautiful boy, he looked just like Buddy.

But I know in my heart it's not him.

He's too young to be Buddy.

He'd be Buddy back then.

None of... none of them are Buddy!

- Honey, they're all Buddy.

All these young, troubled boys in these clubs.

They're all Buddy.

Every last one of them.

- Oh, Peanut.

I got to be... I got to move on.

It was nice knowing you, Peanut.

- Houston, did they give last call?

- Yup, afraid so, Peanut.

- Well they need a new system.

I didn't get my order in.

Well shit.

Nighty night.

Excuse me, what's your name?

- No, I'm not a hustler, sorry.

- I'm not looking for a hustler.

At least not tonight.

What's your name?

- Andrew.

- Andrew.

I want you to look at me, Andrew.

That's right, take it all in.

Don't become me, Andrew.

Don't live your life in shame.

Don't hide your light under a bushel

in these clubs behind a glass of booze.

You are worthy of so much more.

Go home.

Take a good look at yourself in the mirror

and somehow... learn to love what you see.

Andrew.

- Sir?

Thank you.

- You're very welcome.

- I can only imagine what happened that fateful night.

Andrew Thomas Ford

left us four around 2 a.m.

His Mother didn't hear him come in,

but he did because he changed clothes.

The magazines in a stash were

still on the bed.

But his Mother's note was found in his pocket.

I wish I had been the me I am today.

I wish I had been a good friend.

Why didn't you call me?

I can only imagine what happened next.

- Why can't you love me too?

What's wrong with me?

Why can't you love me?

What did I do so wrong?

You won't love me.

Why hast thou forsaken me?!

Oh God, oh God she knows!

Where art you?!

Why don't you listen to me?

Oh God, Phillip Carey's club foot!

You didn't take it away!

God, please!

Please love me!

- No!

Andrew?

- Why can't you love me too?

- Andrew?

Andrew?!

- Andrew! Andrew!

* And the joy we share as we tarry there

* None other has ever known.

- We're gathered here today

to say farewell to Andrew Thomas Ford.

These aren't easy times.

These are times when we don't understand

and we ask the same question why

again and again and again.

A young troubled life is lost.

Why?

Well that is not for us to figure out

because you cannot question the will of God!

- Why not?

- Because God's will is perfect,

divine, unquestionable.

Andrew was in trouble, in crisis,

but did he reach out for help?

No, he never came to me and said,

"I have a problem, Preacher.

"Help me with these carnal desires of the flesh,

"show me the way."

Did he speak to his good Christian Mother

about such things?

I'm so sorry.

No! He tried to hide them!

You cannot hide from God!

He let old Satan draw him over to the dark side,

and he got him on the merry-go-round

of sin and we lost Andrew.

That just breaks my heart.

A young life snuffed out because

he would not turn to God!

- No! No, stop!

- If he had turned to God he wouldn't have taken the easy way out.

- How can you say that?

You don't know that!

- Let's take Andrew's death

as an inspiration in our own life.

- You didn't even know Andrew!

- Let's look within.

Don't let Satan win the battle of your own lives!

Let's pray and find the answers

there are there for us because they're in this book

if only you believed.

- It's all a lie, it's a crock of shit!

- I can do all things through Christ almighty.

- The message is love, not hate!

You're missing the message!

- That's what this book says!

Don't let Satan win the battle over your own life.

- Shut up!

- He took Andrew, folks. - Shut up!

- That makes me mad at Satan.

- Shut the fuck up!

Sometimes I close my eyes,

sometimes I close my eyes,

sometimes... sometimes...

sometimes...

Sometimes I close my eyes

and create a perfect world.

A world of acceptance and understanding and love.

A world where there is hope.

Even if the hope is just a whisper.

I hear it.

* Soft as the voice of an angel.

* Breathing a lesson unheard,

* Hope with a gentle persuasion

* Whispers her comforting word

I dream that one day I'll open my eyes

and that world will still be there.

- Mark.

I woke up in his arms, Mark.

When I woke up this time, He was still there.

That man in my bed?

He was still there holding me.

It was God.

He kept trying to tell me,

but I couldn't understand down here,

not with all the clutter.

"You're okay, Andrew.

"Just as you are.

"I'll take care of you."

God does love me, Mark.

Listen to me, Mark.

God loves you.

The real God.

Listen.

* Wait till the darkness is over,

- Listen.

- For the hope.

* Hope for the sunshine tomorrow,

* After the shower is gone.

- A world where the lonely are no longer lonely.

Where everyone is welcome.

* Whispering hope, oh how welcome thy voice,

* Making my heart in its sorrow rejoice.

- A world where sermons preach about truth.

About love and hope.

- Dear friends, let us love one another.

For love comes from God.

Everyone who loves has been

born of God and knows God.

Whoever does not love

does not know God.

Because God is love. - God is love.

- First John 4:7 and 8.

- A world where Mothers and Fathers

accept, embrace and love every

single part of their children.

* Will not the deepening darkness

* Brighten the glimmering star?

- A world where I can love and he can love.

* Then when the night is upon us,

* Why should the heart sink away?

* When the dark midnight is over,

- I love you.

- I love you.

* Whispering hope, oh how welcome thy voice,

* Making my heart in its sorrow rejoice.*

- But I always wake up.

But now... with hope!