All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S06E11.WEB-DL.NF.en

[giggles]

Okay, Stevie, I told you
I didn't want a jokey bachelor party.

Also, my T-shirt is missing the "with."

Oh, no, I had yours custom-made.

Okay.

Now, before I tell you what I have planned
for tonight's festivities,

I think we can all agree
that putting me in charge

of your joint bachelor party
was a big mistake, right?

-Oh, I'm sure it's gonna be great.
-Absolutely.

And the fact that you guys wanted it to be
the bachelor party of your dreams

only added extra, totally unnecessary
pressure to the whole thing.

'Kay, Stevie, we never said that.

Oh, no, you didn't.

David sent me a seven-page e-mail
with the subject line,

"The Bachelor Party of My Dreams."

We will be happy
with whatever you've planned.

-Right, David?
-Yes.

Just depends on what she's planned.

Oh.

Oh.

David, you wanted something
chic and elegant.

I have arranged for a night
of customized appetizers

and cocktails at the Wobbly Elm.

Wow, that's bleak. [laughs]

But thank you... for planning that.

-[whispers] There we go.
-Mm.

-Patrick...
-Yeah.

-You just wanted one thing.
-Mm-hmm.

So before we indulge
in an elegant night of shots,

we will all experience the thrill

of Elmdale's finest and only escape room.

Yes!

Okay, isn't that a Jodie Foster movie?

No, David, that is Panic Room.

An escape room is like a--

a fun group game
where you're trapped in a room

and you have to solve
all these puzzles to get out.

[laughs] You lost me at "fun group game."
I'm sorry, my family agreed to this?

Your family hasn't responded
to a single e-mail,

so they will be doing
what we tell them to do.

Is there anything else on my list
that we could do this evening?

If you could come up with the money
for the Tahitian dolphin cruise,

I'd happily change plans.

-No?
-Don't say a word.

[theme music playing]

So I leaned in and I said,
"Tippy, I'll take the job,

for a hundred grand more than Clifton,
and a diamond tennis bracelet."

What was the bracelet for?

Dramatic effect. Symbolism.

And you said Nicole Kidman
is starring in it?

Oh, it doesn't matter who's starring!
I don't think the point is getting across.

No, no, I get it.

It's just that a lot of people
would have a really hard time

saying no to that kind of work,

especially when you spent
the last three years

talking about how badly
you wanted to get outta this place.

Oh, we're still on course.

Oh, you know what they say:
when one door closes, the floodgates open.

You got another job?

Say hello, ladies, to the new spokesperson
of an international airline.

Oh, my gosh, Mrs. Rose!

You're gonna be in a commercial
for an airline?

-Radio, yes.
-[gasps]

Voice-over work is every actor's dream.

-Well, I'm glad you're happy.
-Thank you!

I have to admit, Mrs. Rose,
these past few weeks,

I feel like I've been waiting
on a famous person.

[laughs] Twyla, you're not waiting
on a famous person.

She's already arrived!

[laughs]

[door opens]

'Kay, what's going on?

Hey, guys, come on in! Close the door.

Johnny, this better be good.

I got a hot little BLT over at the café,
and I don't wanna keep her waitin'.

I got some big news.

I've been, uh, reaching out
to some old business contacts

about potentially investing
in a motel franchise,

and I got a very positive response today
from Mike Morrison, my former assistant,

who's now a big venture capitalist.

Ooh, wow!

Okay, so what does this mean?
More-- more money?

Possibly.

I'm listening.

Well, I don't wanna
put the cart before the horse here,

but I have a feeling this is a prospect

-we can all get very excited about!
-[Roland laughs]

But what does this mean?
Do they wanna invest?

Do they like the idea?

Well, they haven't heard the idea yet.
I gave him a teaser in my last e-mail.

And, uh, we'll have to take
a meeting with him

and, you know, do a formal pitch.

Sure. Well, when's the meeting?

We don't actually have a meeting yet,
but he is calling today, so...

Johnny, I'm sorry, I was so busy
being excited like you asked,

that, um, I think I missed something here.

Do we have an investor
or do we have a meeting?

We might.

And I want you
to keep this information to yourself.

I don't want the family finding out
and getting their hopes up.

I'm pretty sure
I can keep this one to myself.

-Okay.
-Yeah, I don't know about me.

I mean, if the local papers
ask me about the rumor

that you might be getting a phone call--

All right, all right,
you know what, Roland?

You can go and finish your sandwich now.

Thank you. And by the way, Johnny,

you should check to make sure
this place isn't bugged.

We wouldn't want the big news to leak out.

-It is big news...
-[door closes]

...probably.

Hi.

What, uh, um...

Are those... sweatpants?

Yeah, I started getting dressed for work
and I got distracted.

What could've possibly distracted you
enough to do that to yourself?

It died, David.

Okay, if you're talking about your style,
we can bring it back to life.

Ted gave this to me.

It's, like, the one thing left
of our relationship, and it's gone.

'Kay, I would argue
that you still have your memories.

-This weird little desert daisy thing...
-It's a succulent.

...literally not supposed to die,
and yet it did.

Like, what does that say about me?

I think that's a longer conversation.

But here's one thing
that'll make you feel good:

my bachelor party tonight.

I'm pretty sure I told Stevie
that I couldn't come,

or, like, I started sending her
an e-mail saying that.

I don't know, I just...
I can't seem to do anything right now.

Mm-hmm. I never thought
I'd have to say this,

but there is only space in this family
for one unstable sibling,

and I have held that title
for a very long time,

so you are going to
have to get it together.

David, I don't have a boyfriend anymore.

I'm, like, trying to get my business
off the ground, but honestly, like,

how many people in this town
need a publicist?

Like, what am I doing?

Well, as of 7:30 tonight,

you will be thoroughly enjoying yourself
at my bachelor party.

So, why don't you take
a couple of Mom's happy pills,

and we can just put this whole situation
on ice until tomorrow.

No, I can't.
I have to escort a client to a meeting.

-[Moira] Alexis!
-Ugh!

Are you almost ready, dear?

The airline will not be impressed

if we don't have an on-schedule arrival
at the studio.

Oh, David, is it all right
if I don't watch Panic Room

with everyone tonight?

Jo Foster once screened it
for me privately,

and I would like to keep that memory safe.

It's an escape room
followed by a really sad reception,

and everyone will be participating.

Thank you so much!

-[Johnny] Stevie?
-Yeah?

I got this picture of David
back from the printer.

-I hope it's big enough.
-Oh, my God, this is perfect!

Are you sure we can't move
the bachelor party to the motel here?

We can bring out some games

and, you know, escape from...
one room to the other.

This is just a bad time
to be away from the business.

Ah... bachelor party, right?

Yeah, it's just for family.

Well, I think godfather
is part of the family, is he not?

Roland, I need you manning the phones.

[sighs] Take it easy, Johnny, okay?
Not that it's gonna happen,

but I'll come running
when Ike Morrison calls.

You mean Mike Morrison.

You're waiting on a call from him, too?

That's the only call I'm expecting.

No, you said you were waiting
on a call from "Ike" Morrison.

I don't know an Ike Morrison.

Mike Morrison was my assistant
for three years.

I think I know what his name is.

Well, that's what I thought!

So I was confused
when a Mike Morrison called

-after you said Ike Morrison--
-Mike Morrison called?

-Yeah.
-Well, give me the number!

You know, maybe this is why
Roland shouldn't be in charge of phones.

Hey!

Hello? Oh, voice mail.

Uh, Mike, Mike.
Hi, it's Johnny Rose calling.

Sorry I didn't get your message.

Uh, a few technical difficulties
on our end,

but, uh, it's Johnny Rose calling.

Uh, Johnny Rose calling you back. Uh, bye.

[beeps]

Oh, I don't know. How did that sound?

Is there an option to redo it?

Uh... no.

-Yeah, it was fine.
-Okay.

I don't think you mentioned your name.

[producer] The copy's on the stand.

We'd like for you to read it
exactly as written.

Oh, wow, a prolific amount of material.

And I am being paid for each spot, so, ha!

Oh, uh, we agreed to a flat rate
with your publicist.

Well, there'll be nothing flat
about my performance.

[chuckles] Okay.
Whenever you're ready, Moira.

Just start at the top, and... high energy.

Con brio, si! [clears throat]

"We really care... at Larry Air."

I like that, it's snappy.

-"We really care--"
-Just roll right through.

Just go on to the next line, please.

"A deal so rare, it's Larry Air."

"Never flown Larry Air? Try Larry Air."

Oh, that's a touch uninspired. Alexis?

Alexis! I'd rather not use that one.

Okay, so I'm being told
just to read through them all

and then we'll figure it out after, okay?

And higher energy.

Higher... [clears throat]

[higher-pitched]
"Get your derriere on Larry Air--"

That's a bit chummy for an airline.

Couldn't we maybe take a moment
to rework some of these?

The client's not here.

It's my job just to get you
to say the words.

[sighs]

[deeper voice] "Larry Air.
We'll take you from there to here--"

Now that should be switched, shouldn't it?

You should--
Alexis, I can't work like this! No.

[frustrated sigh] Alexis!

I'm so sorry. This is, like,
the first offer I could get

after the whole Sunrise Bay thing
went down, and I...

I thought it would get you back out there,
but I did not know that it would be this.

Have I made a terrible mistake, Alexis?

Is this the lowest point of my life?

Okay, look who you're talking to.

I haven't showered in, like, two days.
Is this the lowest point of my life?

Thought you should know that
we can hear your entire conversation.

Ooh... okay.

You should not have to do this,

so you start the car
and I will cover for you.

Oh, Alexis, no.

No, dear,
I could not let you do that for me.

[Alexis clears throat]

Just hit "record."

[imitating Moira]
"Try one of our in-flight meals,

if you dare, at Larry Air."

I'm sorry, this is not...
this is not good, so...

Hmm, hmm, hmm!

Okay, well, um,
I would just like to welcome everybody

to our... bachelor party.

Is anyone else
not getting a signal in here?

-I thought there were drinks.
-That's after.

Okay, how about half of us
do the escape room,

and then the other half of us
get a table at the bar?

Okay, how 'bout you shh for a sec?

Now, this will all go a lot smoother
if we just accept the fact

that this is something we have to do,
and that Patrick, for some reason,

thinks this is going to be fun!

-Fun! Here he is.
-Hi, hi, hi.

-Sorry, it took me forever to find a spot.
-That's okay!

Who's excited, huh?

-Oh, ha-ha!
-Oh... huzzah!

So I guess you're all wondering, uh...
what are we doing here? [chuckles]

-[all chuckle]
-But, uh, the annual escape room challenge

has been a Brewer family tradition
for a long time,

and I thought it could be fun
to share it with my new family,

since mine couldn't be here, so...

[whispers] Have they passed?

Well, I'm sure I speak for all of us
when I say

I hope we escape very quickly.

[snaps fingers]
That's the spirit, Mr. Rose. Yes.

[game voice] Players, are you ready
to enter the laboratory?

[whispers] Oh, I think so.

[game voice] Place all electronic devices
inside the scientist's lockbox

and enter at your own risk.

-Okay, here we go. [laughs]
-Oh, my God.

[David] It's gonna be fun.

[game voice] Charles Darwin
is being held captive by his archnemesis,

rival scientist, Dr. Alfred R. Wallace,
somewhere in the Galápagos Islands.

What?

[game voice] You have one hour to escape.
It's your job to--

-This is a Galápagos-themed room!
-I didn't plan this part.

It was just called "The Laboratory."
And I picked it 'cause it was the easiest.

[game voice] There are rumors
that Wallace's assistant sides with Darwin

and may be willing to help
if you get stuck.

There's our lucky break.

Assistant, show us the exit.

Don't worry, I'm also in the Guild.

That's, uh-- that's not exactly
how it works, Mrs. Rose.

We do actually have to try first.

Okay. So, the numbers for the combination
on Darwin's journal

are gonna be on finches with red beaks.

"Traveling east to west,

the numbers on the beaks
will get you to the nest."

I have a compass on my phone.
Uh, when do we get our phones back?

Well, you don't actually need
a compass, Mr. Rose.

It's, uh, more like a brain teaser.

So, uh, we'll cover more ground
if we pair off into teams.

So Stevie and Mr. Rose,
uh, Alexis and-- and David,

and, uh, Mrs. Rose,
why don't you help me out?

Oh, I'd love nothing more, Patrick.

Mrs. Rose, I'm sensing that
you might be a little bit distracted,

but unfortunately, there is a time limit
on us getting out of here.

[chuckles] Oh, I used to share
your philosophic optimism, dear,

but know the reality is,
we're never getting out of here.

I wouldn't be so sure.

Just found a finch.

The first number is six, people!

Okay. Okay, see,
this is why I don't like mind games.

It puts you in a situation
where you're made to feel dumb,

even though you're not.

Like, some people's minds
just don't work like this.

Maybe I made a mistake.

I did tell you to wear
sensible heels today,

and I'm not sure this outfit
is entirely appropriate.

No, I mean about
not going to the Galápagos.

Like, I'm having a hard time
not taking this as a sign.

Okay, we're in a strip mall
on the side of the highway.

I really wouldn't read into this.

Also, as stupid as this is,
I'm now invested.

You know, there was a time
before we got here

that I would've, like, gone anywhere
and done anything, no questions asked.

Like, what if I'm just losing my edge?

All right, if this'll help me
escape this conversation,

yes, it would have been a mistake to go.

Okay, go on.

Well, what were you gonna do?
Follow another guy around the world?

Yeah, but what am I doing here?

Setting Mom up with second-rate radio gigs
for regional airlines?

'Kay, well, I don't know,
where do you wanna be, then?

-There.
-Where?

No, the finch. Second row, in the middle.

Trust me, Stavros and I used to make out
in his parents' aviary.

Okay, we have the second number!

The second number is eight!

'Kay, I'm gonna start looking
from the top here.

Excuse me, Assistant?
Uh, any chance of getting our phones back?

I know, I'm aware
of the no-phones situation,

but I need mine for a business--

See, I don't know what this means.

I heard a rumor you're on our side,
and I'm waiting on an important call.

I found it! I found it!
I found the third finch.

-Okay. Okay! Okay!
-It's four, David. Four.

-6-8-4.
-Okay!

Six...

eight...

four...

Ah-hah-hah!

Ah!

-Ahhh!
-Yes! [snaps fingers]

'Kay. It says "natural selection."

-Ahhh!
-Oh, my God!

Well, good work, team!
Now who's driving me to drinks?

Outta my way! Outta my way!

Okay, there's no key in here.
There is no key in here.

That's just the first puzzle, David.

-It's a series of puzzles.
-[distant ringing]

-What?
-Wait, wait, everyone!

I hear my phone ringing.

That's the phone I was talking about.

So if I could just leave the lab
for one minute--

[game voice]
You have 52 minutes to escape.

Fifty-two minutes!

Hey, David, everyone heard the time,
all right?

Fifty-two, people! Let's go! Come on!

[crickets chirping]

[Patrick] Blow on them, David!
You have to blow on the circles, David!

You have to blow on the circles
until they're blue.

-I'm blowing!
-Blow harder, David!

Oh, my God, you blow on them!
You blow on the circles then!

-Use this thing! Use this thing!
-[catching his breath]

-'Kay, this is a good idea.
-'Kay.

-Oh!
-[David grunts]

-Oh, my God!
-Yes!

-Oh, my God!
-[Alexis] Yes!

-[David] Ahhh!
-Yes!

-Oh, my God. One more! One more!
-[grunting]

-Yes!
-[Alexis] Yay!

-It didn't do anything.
-[rumbling]

Oh! Oh! It's, uh...

-What is that?
-It's a flashlight?

Oh, yeah! Oh, my God,
this game is actually fun.

See? I told you!

You're only saying that
because you got one right!

Oh, your time will come, David.

-[Moira] Please just give us the key.
-The key, or our phones!

-Either way!
-No, the key!

John, what is this newfound obsession
with your device?

Dad, what's the big deal with the phone?

Just tell them, Mr. Rose.

Okay. Well, I didn't want
to get ahead of myself,

but I'm waiting on a call
from my old assistant.

And we may have a meeting
to get an investor

for the Rosebud Motel Group.

Well, John, what-- what does this mean?

Well, potentially,
there could be a big influx of money

to turn Rosebud Motels into a--

-into a full franchise.
-Oh!

Well, why didn't you say this before?
Get the phone!

Oh, I don't know.
We're almost finished with the game, so...

-You can use my phone, John.
-You still have your phone?

We all have our phones!

Well, his number's in my phone

and my phone I can't get
unless I get outta this damn room!

Okay, I've used the clues
to turn the dials on the flashlight,

and it spells out "England."

So, thank you,
my weekend with Tom Hardy...

England is here.

It says something.

"I'm tall when I'm young
and short when I'm old."

Candle.

How are you doing this?

-[gasps]
-[Stevie] What?

-Laser. Laser's pointing at--
-Okay, I got this, Patrick.

Okay, this is an ancient Egyptian symbol
for stability.

My friend Prairie got one tattooed
on her lower back in seventh grade.

Okay, what does this mean?

It means that we need to find
something from Egypt.

So, like, mummies, Rami Malek, a...

a pyramid.

-[all gasp]
-[David] What?

-And there it is.
-[gasps] Try it in the door!

[key rattles, clicks]

[game voice] Congratulations!
You have outwitted Darwin's nemesis...

Ah! Mummy and Alexis solved the puzzle!

[Johnny sighs]

-How did she do that?
-I dunno.

I don't know how you did that.

That was actually
pretty impressive, Alexis.

Thanks! I just, like,
wanted to get to the drinks.

-Uh-huh.
-Congratulations!

Professor Darwin would be very proud.

Can I just have my phone, please?

-[box clunks]
-Thank you.

-Okay.
-Four voice mails!

-Yes?
-Put it on speaker!

Okay, is that the button with the arrow?

That's the button that says "speaker"!

-Speaker button!
-Ooh!

[Moira] John, call me when you can.

We need an excuse
to get out of the escape room thing.

-Okay, skip that. Skip it.
-I have something--

[David] Hi, just reminding you
that you can't bail

on the escape room thing,
even though all of us want--

Yeah, I don't think we need to keep--

-I actually wanna hear that one.
-I don't think so.

[Mike] Johnny, it's Mike Morrison
returning your call.

This is it!

Just read your proposal
and I think it's a solid idea, my friend.

Would absolutely love to take a meeting.

Let's say 4:00 p.m. Tuesday
at the New York office?

-Oh, my God!
-[excited gasps]

-Did I just hear that?
-Oh, John!

Did I just... is that what he just said?

-[David] Oh, my God!
-[excited shrieks and laughter]

-Oh! [laughing]
-[laughing excitedly]

-We got a meeting!
-[squeals]

-[laughing]
-Yeah!

-Why am I still holding this?
-Okay, okay.

-Thank you!
-We got a meeting!

[excited shrieks and laughter]

So, for someone who is all about signs,
what do you think it meant

that you were the one
that got us out of the Galápagos?

[laughs] Honestly? Like...
being in a high-pressure situation,

with time running out
and a lot of people yelling at me,

it just, like...
made me feel like myself again.

Well, mission accomplished.

And you're out of your sweatpants,

-so things are looking up.
-[mock giggles]

I think it might be time
to let go of that succulent.

Okay, I've been thinking about that.

Do you think that maybe it died
because it outgrew its little pot?

No, I watched you slowly kill it.

Like maybe it realized that it...

missed the bigger pots
that it used to grow in

and maybe it can't live up
to its full potential

in such a small space?

[music playing]

David, I'm starting to feel
that I'm a lot like the plant.

I was tracking that metaphor, but, um...

what're you saying?

I don't know. Like maybe it's time
I think about being somewhere else...

finding a bigger pot to grow in.

-Oh.
-[glass clinking]

Before we find ourselves ebrious
with hooch and happiness,

may I say how very proud all of us are
on this day of days.

Well, we did say no speeches, so...

-Your father...
-Guess they listened.

...with his pecuniary savvy
and in trepidation

has turned what began
as a katzenjammer of a day

into one filled with faith, hope and love.

[Johnny] Well, thank you, sweetheart.

Well, I think we have forgotten
why we're here.

[laughs] It is our bachelor party.

Also, whoever chose those photos,
they were not approved.

[Johnny chuckling]