All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S06E09.WEB-DL.NF.en

[crickets chirp]

Okay, I'm just saying she broke up
with Ted less than a week ago,

and I am finding this whole rebound thing
to be alarmingly manic and regressive.

Well, it does sound a little quick.
I mean, has anybody even met this guy?

David, when did you become
the Grim Reaper of romance?

-Oh.
-[Moira gasps] Alexis!

We were just having the most stimulating
conversation about you--

...ganda!

Ugandan... politics.

Were you guys waiting up for me?

-Ah!
-No!

No, I actually didn't know
that you had left.

I was on a date.

Artie took me to the new steakhouse
in Elmdale,

and it was, like, way too expensive,
but hey, I'm not the one paying.

[scoffs] "Artie"?

Yeah, I just thought after, like,
the whole Ted thing,

it was healthier for me
to just put myself out there.

Anyway, if you'll excuse me,
I need to get ready for bed.

I say bravo, Alexis. Fling forward!

[knock on door]

Ugh!

[crickets chirp]

-Hi.
-Sorry.

Wrong room.
Uh, I'm-- I'm lookin' for Lexi.

Hmm? Lexi?

Uh, Alexis. [chuckles] I call her Lexi.

Well, this is where Lexi lives.

Um, I'm her brother, David,
but you can call me Davey.

Hey, how you doin', Davey?
Uh, Lexi left her purse in my car.

Oh! You're a godsend.
I'll make sure Lexi gets it.

I'm Johnny Rose. I'm Alexis' father.

Arthur Camden,
but, uh, you can call me Artie.

Uh-huh.

Hello, Artie. Moira Rose. Lexi's mum.

Very cool. Uh... anyway,
I'm gonna shoot Lexi a text.

Yeah, okay.

-Take care.
-You betcha.

Our Lexi is making some wonderful choices.

[theme music playing]

[music plays softly]

Okay, so what's the total
for the floral arrangement?

Um, I mean, it's hard to get
an exact total at the moment,

because there are so many variables
still in play.

Like you calling the florist
and getting a quote?

-That might be one of them.
-Okay.

Um, Jocelyn has been smiling
and waving at me

from across the room
in a very disturbing way.

I meant to tell you.

She approached me about, uh,
working at the Apothecary.

-Hmm.
-[chuckles]

You did tell her "no"?

That it probably wasn't the best fit
for our brand identity?

Uh, I told her that
I had to talk to you about it.

Look, she's coming over. Here she is.

[chuckles] Hi, boys.
It looked like you were calling me over.

[laughs] Did it?

Anyhoo, um...

I don't know if Patrick mentioned
that we had talked earlier,

and he had said that there might be a use
for an extra set of hands at the store.

Huh!

Well, I think we're still assessing
at this point.

Well, you let me know
when you're done assessing.

I'll be the mother with the baby at home
looking for some extra cash

after I invested
in your father's business.

-[both laugh]
-I'll be over here.

Okay, that's a lot to unload over brunch.

Yes! I spent my brunch
looking at the classifieds.

There is an opening for a waitress
at Bazongas Gentlemen's Club.

I guess I could try that.

I'm sure we can figure something out,
Jocelyn. Right, David?

I don't know what's wrong with Bazongas.

But I guess a trial run
wouldn't hurt anybody.

[laughs] There ya go!

Thanks, you guys. Oh!
I'll meet you at the store.

I'm just gonna go home and change
into something a little more casual.

"More casual"?

Well, look at it this way, David.

Maybe having Jocelyn on staff

will give you a little extra time
to call the florist.

[sighs]

[Alexis giggles]

Oh!

Boy, young people and their phones.

Mm.

Would that be David
you're having an online laugh with?

No, it's Arthur.

He's so funny,
and he has so many good stories.

Well, I'm sure he does.

When you have that many years
under your belt,

you're bound to have collected
a good story or two.

Yeah. We're going to the Elm Lake
Jazz Festival this afternoon.

-Artie loves to scat along with the songs.
-Ah.

Do you know what scatting is?

I do. Not a huge fan.

[laughs]

But, uh, since you brought up Arthur,
um, you know,

I-- I was just thinking
of how some people say

you shouldn't rush into a new relationship
right after a breakup.

Okay, trust me,
it's just totally fun and casual.

Okay, well, casual. Casual is good.
Casual is, uh... exceptionally good.

Yeah. Artie's an old soul,
and you know how I'm an old soul,

so we're just, like,
two old souls having fun together.

Well, he is an old soul.
I'll give you that.

Uh, if you were guessing, Alexis, uh...

how old a soul would you say Arthur is?

-Artie doesn't care about things like age.
-Oh.

Although it is his birthday next weekend,

and we were planning a weekend trip
to wine country.

A weekend in wine country?

Yeah, his ex-wife owns a vineyard,

and his kids and grandkids
are gonna be there.

[coughs]

Well, it's sounding, uh,
less and less casual by the minute.

Okay, chill, Dad!

-[phone buzzes]
-Hmm!

Oh, my God, is he calling me right now?

That is so 2001.

Hey, babe.

Yep, you just double-tap
on the photo with your finger.

Okay.

Oh, this is so exciting!

[both laugh]

[bell on door jingles]

-All right.
-Okay!

Now, I like to approach the customer
as if we don't need their business.

Okay, let them wander the store,
experience the products.

We're here to help

-if they have a question.
-Okay.

-Excuse me?
-Oh.

Do you have this in a smaller size?

-We don't, unfortunately.
-Oh.

Although, speaking as someone
who uses the body milk on the regs--

just had a baby,
don't wanna get stretch marks--

[all chuckle]

Trust me when I say you're gonna wanna go
with the larger size,

'cause you'll go through it
faster than you think.

Oh, actually,
I'm shopping for my daughter.

She just had a baby as well.

Hmm, well, take a look around,
and let us know if you have any questions.

I say look no further.
Go with the body milk.

She'll love it,
plus it's great for diaper rash.

Okay! Sold. Thank you for your help.

-I can check you out over here.
-Wow, my first sale!

You guys make it look so much harder.

Have a "Rose-y" day!

[laughs]

We won't be doing "Rose-y day."

-No?
-No.

-No?
-No.

[both scream]

Stevie, either a flock of poultry
has delivered its ova mid-flight

upon our car,

or I've become the victim
of a vandalization!

Oh, wow.
Um... you sure it's for you, Mrs. Rose?

Because that's a family car,

and I can think of a handful of people
who'd wanna egg David.

You're sweet, dear,
but I know of what I speak.

Stevie, you are blessed with anonymity,

and thus will never have to know
the crippling fear

that accompanies global repute.

Yeah, I can't imagine.

After my first centerfold
with Soap Opera Digest,

a deranged fan deposited locks of hair
into my glove compartment.

And now my return to prominence

has painted another giant bull's-eye
on my thorax!

Um, I could give you this bucket of soap.

No! You never tamper with a crime scene.

-I'll have to go to council.
-Ugh!

Get in, please, Stevie.
As of now, you are my star witness.

And sit low.
No point endangering both our lives.

Fine.

[Arthur] We're here for brunch, right,

and she looks at me and says,
"You mean, lunner?"

[Alexis laughs]

I asked her for a brunch menu,

and she puts this thing,
says it's a lunner menu.

-No!
-Lunner!

Alexis, Arthur.

I thought you two were going
to a jazz festival.

Oh, we were. We just, like,
popped in for a bite to eat

because Artie's blood sugar is low.

Well, I guess there's enough sugar
in mimosas, huh?

Oh, don't worry, I'm over 21, Dad.

Oh, my God, I'm laughing my head off.

Well, I'm just gonna grab some lunch.
Um, nice running into you again, Arthur.

-Please, Dad, just call me Artie.
-Oh. [chuckles]

Well, please don't call me "Dad."

[all chuckle]

[sighs]

Could I get a coffee, Twyla, please?

[Artie and Alexis chatter and giggle]

So I see Alexis is getting back out there.

Has she told you anything about this guy?

No, but I think he dated my aunt.

I don't know, I was a baby at the time,

but there's a photo of him
holding me at Christmas.

And I remember that,

because that was the year
Santa brought me a lighter.

Okay, I'll be right back.

Stay right there.

Excuse me, Twyla.

Arthur, hi, do you mind if I, uh,
join you for a minute?

No, of course.

Always room at the table
for Lexi's... old man.

That's a smidge worse than "Dad."

[both laugh]

Uh, what do you do for a living?

Well, actually, I am retired.

Yeah, but I used to own, um,
a chain of trailer parks.

But don't-- don't worry,
I don't, you know, live in a trailer.

I own a beautiful three-bedroom home
with an above-ground pool,

if that's what you're worried about.

No, that wasn't my primary concern,
Arthur.

-Oh.
-No, the thing is, as a parent,

I can't help but notice
there's a bit of an age discrepancy.

Oh! No, no, we're totally chill with that.

I mean, Lexi's a great girl.

Yes, she is. Yes, she is.

But, um, Arthur,
my daughter is in a bit of a...

vulnerable space right now.

She just got out of
a rather serious relationship a week ago,

and she was engaged to him twice.

I'm not entirely sure what she's doing,
but, uh, you might wanna...

tread lightly.

Oh... understood.

Yeah. Thanks for the heads-up.

Okay.

Uh, Johnny, I...
I know it isn't always easy being a dad.

And being a granddad's even harder.

Oh, well, maybe you might wanna
give me some tips

when I eventually get there.

[both chuckle]

[Roland] All right, now you tell me
how we're gonna fix this.

Hello, council people!

Why, you ask, are we here,
trembling before you?

Well, I'll answer your question.
I was assailed this morning.

-Is that a fact?
-Stone cold.

Stevie was there.
Stevie, describe the carnage.

Um, well, there were a couple
of broken eggs on Mrs. Rose's car,

and one on the back windshield.

It was shattered!

-The windshield?
-The egg!

That's the bestial level of attack
with which we are dealing.

Right, Stevie?

I don't know, you tell me.

Well, you know,
after this little interview

in People magazine,

I'm surprised those eggs
weren't actually thrown at you.

Has it hit the stands?
My publicist is off today.

It sure has.

You describe the town as, and I quote,
"the last place you'd ever wanna end up."

Oh, no, I described the town
as the last place I'd ever want to end up.

Um, since I'm no longer the star witness
in this criminal case,

can I get back to work?

No, you see here,
I'm exaggerating for effect.

And I made sure to never mention
the name of your precious borough.

I'm gonna take that as a "yes."

[Roland] It wasn't hard
to figure out, Moira.

Somebody posted it
on the town message board

and now tempers are running hot.

Yeah, Bob was so upset he had to go home.

You know, Moira, this bad press
could not have come at a worse time.

We were just about to launch
a huge tourism campaign,

and now, thanks to you,
this could be the biggest scandal

since we installed
the church wheelchair ramp backwards.

Roland, something has to be done!
It's a simple miscommunication.

Do you want Stevie to be cleaning eggs
off my car every morning?

Moira, you're gonna have to
clean up this mess yourself, okay?

We're spending a lot of money
on this campaign,

and we can't afford another "ramp-gate."

[sucks teeth]

[protesters chattering]

[whooping]

[woman] Why'd you do it?

Why'd you do it?

Ooh, I think they're here for you, Moira!

Hey, uh, folks,
I can't quite read those signs.

Do you mind holding them up
a little higher for me there?

Oh, yeah, thanks.

You know, what's often more potent
than an apology is an explanation.

You know, I may have said
this town is the last place

I wish to find myself,

but the magazine neglected
to include my entire quote.

I specifically commended
your ever-beating heart

and your elephantine generosity.

"A slice of heaven,"
is what I recall myself saying!

Please know that I believe, deep down,
there are worse places to be.

-[crowd] Aw!
-Like in your shoes right now.

Would a quick meet-and-greet help?

I do believe I have a few headshots
in the boot of my car.

No, I don't think you need more people
knowing which car is yours, Moira,

but I do have an idea
that I think will solve all our problems.

Okay, but can we discuss it over lunch?

I pre-ordered a tuna sandwich,
and those things can turn on a dime.

Oh, allow me to leave you with this.

I solemnly vow to make right
by all of you.

As soon as one of you details my car.

[protesters exclaim angrily]

Receipt in the bag?

There you go, bye.

I don't wanna rub salt
in the wound here, David,

but Jocelyn is kinda crushing it.

Okay, I have also had
a very active day on the sales floor.

David, she has sold more in one day
than we have all week.

And you've spent
the better part of the afternoon

standing in the corner giving her cut-eye.

I'm mentoring her
and monitoring her progress.

And frankly,
it's not moving as fast as I'd like.

Why can't you just admit
that she is an asset?

It's probably beginner's luck,

like when you walk into a casino
and win big

on your first pull
of the Basic Instinct slot machine.

Okay, I'm beginning to think that that is
the high point of your entire life.

All I'm saying is,
I don't necessarily trust the numbers.

Oh.

I had an ex in San Francisco
who was a real estate agent

and basically made all of our friends
buy penthouses

just to make it look like
he was doing well.

For all we know,
these could just be Jocelyn's friends.

Well, friends or not, that's still a sale.

Yeah, but is that what we're really about?
Like, just selling products?

Yep, that is literally
the purpose of our store.

Look, I didn't expect this
from Jocelyn either,

but clearly she has a connection
to the people of this community,

and I say we make the most of it.

Okay, so what,
you want to offer her a job?

Well, I think the offer would mean more
coming from you.

-Another sale, boys!
-[bell jingles]

Where'd she get that bell?

She brought it from home.

[Alexis groans]

[sighs]

-Ugh!
-[knock on door]

Hi, honey. Everything okay?

Yeah, everything is great.

My life is going, like,
really, really great right now!

Oh, well, that's, uh-- that's good.

Here's a fun thing,

I just got dumped by a man
who wears three MedicAlert bracelets.

Really?

He just said out of nowhere
that he needs to end things.

Oh, well, that-- that does seem abrupt.

Wow, well...

Maybe-- maybe that's just
further confirmation

that, you know, he-- he wasn't--
he wasn't the right person for you.

I know he's not the right person for me.

His taste in make-out music,
for example, like, so weird.

Like, who even is Cat Stevens?

Well, Cat wrote
some wonderful songs, honey.

I'm just looking for, like,
any distraction

from the fact that my heart's shattered
into a million pieces.

Like, I don't even know
what I'm doing anymore.

I'm getting broken up with
by gross old men!

Oh, honey, no, he-- he wasn't that gross.

No, I mean, he-- he seemed... nice.
He was responsible.

He did run a successful
mobile-home business.

How did you know about that?

-What?
-How did you know that?

I, uh-- where did I hear that?

-[stammering]
-You talked to him!

Well, I-- I just for-- I did talk to him.
Brief conversation, but just in passing.

Why would you do that?

I told you that I was in control
of the situation.

Well, honey, I don't know
whether you were.

I was just trying to... help.

Alexis, in the past, I...

I couldn't always be there for you
when you were...

when you were dealing with...

heartbreak.

I wasn't there to protect you.

And I guess I was just being...

a bit overzealous, and...

trying to make up for lost time.

Well, if you really wanna know,

I dated guys, like,
a whole lot worse than Artie.

Where were you when I was dating
half the cast of White Squall?

Well, I don't really want to know.

What am I gonna do now?

[sobs]

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah, cry for a bit.

[sobs loudly]

I wonder when David'll be home.

[bell on door jingles]

-[jingles]
-And we're closed!

Oh! It's not the stock market, Jocelyn,
but yes, the day is done.

Is it always this busy?

I mean, I feel like
when I've been here before,

it's just been me.

-Mm!
-Well, today was a great day for us.

And with that in mind, um,

David has something
that he would like to say.

Two things, actually. Um, first thing,

thought we discussed shelving
"have a Rose-y day."

-Ah, people seem to enjoy it.
-Yeah. And two...

Patrick and I would like to
officially welcome you

to the sales staff
here at Rose Apothecary.

Oh, my gosh! That is so sweet!

-[laughs]
-You're welcome.

But I just don't think it's for me.

-Mmm!
-It's not for you?

Yeah, I mean, as David would say,
I just don't think it's in my brand.

[laughs]
I don't think I've ever said that.

It's just not for me.

Huh.

So this store is just not for you.

Yeah. I'd rather take my chances,
you know,

see if some tutoring gigs come up.

Tutoring?

Because that's a...
a better job than working here?

Well, I find teaching students
very fulfilling.

Oh!

You know, not what you two do here
isn't fulfilling,

you know, for you,
but it's just not fulfilling...

-For you. Got it. Yeah.
-For her.

Well, hey, what...
whatever you wanna do. [laughs]

Thank you for the opportunity. [chuckles]

And you guys can keep the bell.

-Oh! The bell!
-[laughter]

'Cause you might need it
a little more than me.

[all laugh]

I'll come by tomorrow
to pick up my paycheck.

Okay! [laughs] She does know
this is a training session, right?

What does that even mean, "not for her"?

Well, um...

I think it means our store...

-It's just not for her?
-...it's just not for her.

-I got it.
-I think that's what it means.

-Thank you.
-Mm.

[music playing]

Oh, hello, you.
I'm film and television's Moira Rose.

Won't you join me for a little stroll

through the slice of paradise
I like to call...

the town where I currently am.

Did someone say fine dining?

The Café Tropical
has certainly been described as "fine."

Oh, hello, Twyla.
I'll have the miso black cod, please.

We don't have that.

You mean you're sold out is more like it!

And when it's time to escape

the hustle and bustle
of the downtown core,

you'll find all the peace and solitude
your body craves

here at our local apothecary.

No noisy customers
or busy cash registers here

to intrude upon your inner cogitations.

It's-- It's not usually this quiet.

Oh, it's always nice and quiet here.

Can you stop saying that?

And finally, when it's time
to lay down your weary head,

you'll find comfort and safety
at the partially renovated Rosebud Motel.

And don't forget to say hello
to your handsome proprietor,

Mr. Jonathan Rose.

-Thank you for having us.
-John, no.

So why wait?

Book your vacation now
to this humble little oasis.

If heaven had a creek,
it would be this one.

[music plays]