Original subtitles

Well, this is a big moment in the expansion of Rosebud Motel Group.

Today we cut the ribbon on a new Rosebud Motel.

Can I take my blindfold off now?

Oh, not yet, honey. We gotta wait for Johnny's big reveal.

Okay.

Let's get to it. Let's cut the ribbon.

-Roland. -Okay.

Wanna hold that? Stevie, you wanna hold this-- hold it up?

-Mr. Rose, do we really need to do this? -Yeah, yes, yes, we do.

Moira, scissors.

Hey, how about a drumroll, Stevie?

I'd rather not.

Okay, you know what? I'm just gonna take off the blindfold.

[laughs] Okay. Moira, scissors, please.

Okay, what are these? These won't cut a ribbon.

They're cuticle shears, John.

You expected hedge clippers to be drawn from my purse?

Okay, all right, hold it up and hold it taut, please.

I'm sorry, "taut"? [laughs] What is that, old English?

How 'bout I hold it tight?

Mr. Rose, just cut the ribbon.

-Pull it, pull it. -Okay.

-Here we go. Okay. -Cut it.

How long is this gonna take, Johnny? Should I cancel my New Year's plans?

Okay, you know what? Just drop the ribbon, drop it.

-All right. -Yay!

[laughs] Okay, step one now complete. Onto step two.

-And what would that entail? -Deep-cleaning the rooms.

Well, I'd like to be put to use. What's step three?

You know, I think I need to lie down. That blindfold was quite taut.

[theme music playing]

-[Ray] That's me in front of a volcano. -Yeah.

In the jungle. In outer space.

That's another volcano.

As maid of honor, I pick the second volcano.

Okay, you are hanging onto that job by a thread.

Ray, do you have anything that'll make us look

a little less like the kind of couple that gets married at a theme park?

Oh, I think what David is trying to say is maybe something a little simpler.

Yeah, I'm looking for understated, Annie Leibovitz for Vanity Fair.

I want us to look like two very rich people

that have just woken up after fainting on a dusty old couch.

Mmm. I don't know if you've thought about wedding favors,

but might I suggest mouse pads?

[chuckles] I got thousands downstairs.

Let me get you some samples.

Wonderful.

Okay, as maid of honor, I have to say--

You don't have to say anything.

Anyway, I thought it would be festive if I got you a little pre-wedding gift.

-[Patrick] What? -[David] Mm-hmm.

I am sending you to get pampered before this afternoon's shoot.

Do I get pampered?

No, you get to drive him to the spa where he will indulge

in a relaxing five-minute scalp massage followed by some light sun.

That'll also give me enough time to art-direct this situation

'cause clearly Ray wouldn't know my aesthetic if it ran him over.

I'm sorry, did you say "sun"?

Yeah, like a-- a kiss on the cheeks, uh, um, a gentle spray.

Okay, well, thanks for the gift, David,

-but, no, thank you. -I'll take it.

Actually sounds less like a gift and more like a chore.

-Okay, I am doing you a favor. -Oh.

Okay? Stevie, take our photo, please, for a moment. Fast, please.

[clicks]

-Ooh, uh... -Okay.

Yeah, see, side by side, my Mediterranean complexion

makes you look a little anemic, so the spray will just even it out.

-[door closes] -Okay, it's not that... bad.

Okay, well, the lighting is not good, so, I mean--

-Hmm. -Just as an example,

here is a sample mouse pad that Jocelyn made for the computer lab at school.

[chuckles] The "Under the Sea" theme is only available during winter months.

[knocking on door]

Oh, my God, Ted, what are you doing here?

I wanted to surprise you.

-Oh, my God, okay, babe, hi. -Hi, hi.

-Mm. -Mm.

Hi, uh, sorry there were limited options at the airport gift shop.

"Have a great flight." So sweet.

Mm! You're here in the flesh.

Mm, I missed you so much.

Um, who's babysitting the turtles?

Well, I am a part of a team of 30, so they let me take the long weekend off.

The long weekend? It's Sunday. It's over.

Yeah, I know. I was supposed to get here yesterday morning,

but my first connecting flight was delayed

and then I got food poisoning from some bad milk

on my second connecting flight.

Ew, Ted, they made you drink milk on the airplane?

No, I actually ordered it, and in my defense,

they were serving cookies, so...

Okay, so, um, how long do we actually have, then?

Just today.

Oh, my God. Okay.

Then enough about the milk thing

even though I have, like, 50 more questions about it.

Yeah, yeah, no need to milk it.

Ooh, we definitely don't have time for that.

No, I just-- I just wanna be with you and catch up and talk.

Okay, so my parents are out and David's at the store

so maybe we can just, like, be with each other right now,

and then later, if we feel like it, we can talk.

-Yeah, but I-- -You're not still sick, are you?

-No, I just-- -Okay.

[moaning]

Yeah, okay, we can do this first.

Boy, look at this place, untouched from the '60s.

These motels are a gold mine, Roland. All they need is a little dusting.

And bleach, lots of bleach.

You know, there are boutique hotels

that would kill for this level of authenticity.

I'm thinking of turning this place into the presidential suite

and charging a premium for it.

I'm reminded, John, of Shanghai

and our party secretary suite with its own aquarium.

I'd lay in our claw-foot tub watching the orcas.

-Joc... -And we're back.

You know that staycation we've been talking about?

Why don't we just do that here?

Well, Roland, that-- that sounds good, but, uh, that just can't happen.

As a new business owner,

it's dangerous to treat your assets as personal possessions.

[Moira] That's my John.

At Rose Video, he made me purchase the Blu-ray

of my gritty feminist police drama, Miranda Rights.

I rented that three times.

Miranda is so sassy when she went undercover

for that wet T-shirt contest.

Hey, the sooner we get this place guest-ready,

the sooner we can start making a profit.

Yeah. Well, that sounds good to me.

Bob's been charging us a fortune to babysit.

[Jocelyn] Speaking of which, we should get going.

Bob has his first cry therapy session tonight.

Okay.

Bye.

[door closes]

Well, if that isn't teamwork, I don't know what is.

Ah, I know. The room looks pretty good, huh?

No, I'm-- I'm talking about the way you and I threw them off the fragrance

so that we could keep this suite to ourselves.

No, that's not what I was doing, Moira.

No, it's very important at this stage to keep the bar set very high for Roland.

-John... -Now, I just told them

they couldn't stay here.

Oh, be careful, John, lest you suffer vertigo

from the dizzying heights of your moral ground.

[stomps]

[duster thuds]

[Ray] Are you sure this is what you want, David?

This looks like someone put a tarp over their living room furniture.

Yeah, I'm going for an English estate in the off-season.

Okay, it's just, uh, do you really want these photos to say,

"My relationship is an old estate in the off-season"?

Why don't I show you the county fair backdrop?

I think a Ferris wheel would look so cute on a mouse pad. [chuckles]

I don't think we're gonna do the mouse pads.

-[door shuts] -[groans]

-Oh, hi. -Hi.

Why do you look...

Hot? Oh, I got a spray tan.

Patrick gave you his appointment, didn't he?

No, I just put mine on your credit card.

Okay, well, that's fraud and you're a criminal,

so where even is my life partner?

He's coming.

I think he spent maybe a second too long in there.

[door opens and shuts]

[clears throat]

-[David gasps] -[stifles laughter]

Are you happy now, David? Is this what you wanted?

-You look-- -I look like a cheese puff.

Okay, you said it, not me.

Um, what, uh-- what ha-- what happened?

Did they use the Allez Vous bronzer on you?

I don't know, David. They asked me what I wanted.

I told them just to give me what you usually get.

Well, why would you do that?

I'm practically Sicilian. You don't need that much sun.

I don't know how it works, David.

Well, couldn't find it.

Oh, hi, Patrick. I almost didn't recognize you.

You look like one of those people who has that skin condition

from eating one too many carrots.

-Okay. -You know what?

I can't be in photos like this, so I'm going to, uh-- I'm gonna go.

No, no, no, no, we've got this all set up.

-You'll barely notice it. -Oh.

And that's what Photoshop's for, just to lighten it up a bit.

Yes, just have fun with it.

-Yes, have fun. -Okay, Patrick.

I'm gonna have to ask you to smile a little more.

I think this is probably as good as it's gonna get right now, Ray.

-Okay, okay, okay. -[camera clicking]

Okay, here's what I'm thinking.

We do that, like, three to four more times,

and then we go on a romantic walk to your house

and we, like, hang out there for a little bit.

Yeah, um, that plan sounds really active, Alexis.

Mm-hmm.

But, uh, my mom's staying at my place and, uh,

I'd rather not walk in on her and her Zumba instructor.

Don't wanna have to zoom back here.

Is everything okay?

It's okay to admit that I tuckered you out.

[chuckles] No, it's-- it's not that.

Okay, then what is it?

I just thought that it was important that we have this conversation in person.

You're starting to sound like me trying to end things

with B-Rok on the Backstreet Boys Millennium Tour.

Ted, you're not, like, trying to break up with me, are you?

No, I'm not breaking up with you.

Oh, okay, thank God. So what is it?

I got offered a job.

You say that like it's a bad thing. Is it a bad job?

No, it's a great job.

They wanna make me a permanent part of the research team

in the Galápagos.

Okay, define permanent.

It's a three-year contract.

Okay, that's a long time.

Yeah, I just-- I keep waiting for things to get easier for us.

So, um, what are you gonna tell them?

I-- I don't know.

I mean, I had three plane rides to think about it

and I wanted to have a solution by the time I got here,

but seeing you... [sighs]

I don't wanna lose this.

Okay, so what do we-- what do we do? Do I, like, move to the Galápagos?

Or I move back here.

And turn down your dream job.

[sighs] Okay, this just got, like, very heavy.

I feel like I'm sweating. I also feel very cold.

Yeah. I-- I took the weekend because I wanted us to have

a few days to talk about it, but then--

Yeah, no, the milk, I know.

Um, Ted, I think I'm gonna need a minute.

You know that I can't make big decisions under pressure.

That's how I ended up with a pixie cut at prom.

There has to be a way through this.

I liked this a whole lot more before we started talking.

-[water running] -[Moira screams]

Moira, what's going on in there?

Oh! It's my hands, John. It's the water. It's freezing cold.

Well, then move your hands.

How will I know if it's getting warmer if I'm not touching it?

Well, Moira, you've got the cold tap on. You've gotta balance it with the hot.

-[shuts off water] -Oh.

Well, I'm sorry I'm not an alchemist, John,

and it's not like there's a "his" sink for when the "hers" is inoperable.

Okay, Moira.

Excuse me while I try to pass through.

Oh, John, these doorframes!

It's like trying to force oneself through the eye of a needle.

[John sighs]

I think, uh, the point's been made, Moira.

Oh, so you're willing to reconsider a room upgrade?

-Upgrade? -Mm-hmm.

Oh, I thought you were talking about a romantic weekend.

We start with a weekend and go from there.

You don't believe we deserve this perquisite, John?

At least until we secure a way out of here.

Moira, yeah, the room is bigger, it might even be nicer,

but haven't we managed to make do here in this room over the past few years?

Yes, in the same way crustaceans are known to make do in old soda cans.

And what about the kids? We're just going to abandon them here?

They're practically middle-aged

and they're not denying their selves betterment.

Why should we?

[sighs] All right.

Maybe it is good business practice to sample the product before selling.

Well, whatever you think is best, Mr. Rose.

I've packed your weekender. It's in the car.

See, these are good. We could use any of these.

David, those are just ones where you look good.

Well, only took me nine showers to still look like this.

See, this is good. This is how you were supposed to look.

Oh! Well, then, if that's all it took, should we just head back to Ray's?

I don't know. Do you think he'd have time?

No, I was being very, very sarcastic.

-Oh. -Are there any usable shots?

[both] Um...

None of the ones where you can see your face or hands...

-There's a few I think that... -...but we're still looking.

...might be good.

Cool, so I guess my relatives will just have to imagine

what the person I'm marrying looks like and how happy I am to be with him, and--

Okay, fine. Ooh.

Maybe we just open up the guest list a bit

and invite a few more of your distant relatives,

or I do have head shots from my pageant days

that I could mail out to them.

David, can we just agree to stop making this wedding

a bigger deal than it needs to be?

-We are not these people. -Okay.

Well, this is a teachable moment for all of us.

You know, look at his tan. Looks great, the lighting's right.

Maybe Stevie should take a few candid shots

and see what happens.

You're insane.

-David... no. -No, I'm not.

We are looking for photos and here we are.

-Oh, my God. -[camera clicks]

Okay, well, the tan does look good.

Ooh, see?

Okay, fine, like, maybe a couple more, but then that's it.

Okay, fine, all right.

[camera clicks]

-What is your hand-- -Oh, that's weird.

-Huh? -[camera clicks]

-[bell over door jingles] -[music plays]

Hey, Alexis, I haven't seen you running in a while.

Thanks, Twy.

Yeah, I just needed to get out and clear my head.

-Is everything okay? -I don't know.

Okay, do you think a smoothie might help?

[sighs] No, I think I'll just take a smoothie.

Okay, I'll just be right over there if you need me.

[man] Oh, hi.

-Ted. -Um... Alexis.

I know. Without sounding too forward,

I've seen you around... [nervous laugh] and, uh, you know, I have to say,

I think that you are the most beautiful girl this town's ever seen.

Alexis?

Alexis, here's your smoothie.

[sighs]

Twy, do you ever have those days where you wonder

why things can't just be easier?

Why, what's going on?

Ted got a job.

-Another one? -No, the same one.

He got offered the same job he already has?

No, same job, they just want him to stay longer.

Like, forever.

Oh.

Yeah, so it's like, what now? [chuckles]

Do I leave everything behind and move to some random island

to be with the love of my life?

'Cause I did that with Harry Styles in England.

It was, like, too rainy.

That is hard.

I feel like now's the point where you normally have

some surprisingly helpful advice.

I know you, Alexis, and you always make the right decision.

Mm.

Eventually.

Thanks, Twy.

[crickets chirp]

[slow jazz tune plays]

There he is, my ginchy hotelier.

How does it feel to be president in the presidential suite?

[Bostonian accent] Well, uh, let me say this about that, Moira.

Uh, if not now, when? If not us, who?

Are you all right, John?

[normal accent] Oh, it's my JFK. Just playing into the theme.

Best to leave the voice work to me when setting a mood.

[clink]

[slurping]

Yeah, so I must admit, sweetheart,

I could get used to this.

I'm going to run a bath, John.

Well, if I close my eyes I can almost hear the orcas calling to be fed, or freed.

-Oh! -Jocelyn! Roland!

Hi, Johnny. Moira.

-[door shuts] -What's going on here?

Uh, nothing, nothing.

No, we were, uh, just, uh...

[turns music off]

...doing a final polish on the, uh-- on the room.

Uh-huh.

Oh, I guess martinis work better than wax, huh? [chuckles]

Johnny, wasn't it you who said

it was dangerous to treat your assets like personal possessions?

And what, may I ask, are you two doing back here?

-I told you we would get caught, Roly. -[sighs]

Well... if you must know,

Jocelyn and I had been renting out our extra bedroom

to, uh, help pay for this place.

Yeah, and so we thought there's nobody here,

it might be nice to have a weekend where a total stranger

wasn't making themselves at home in my kitchen.

Okay, look, Roland, I may have been a bit too much of a stickler earlier.

Ah, no, no, it's fine, Johnny, we'll just, uh--

we'll just sleep in the truck with the baby.

Or you know what, you could give us the keys to your place.

It would be like wife swap, except we wouldn't be swapping wives,

we'd be swapping mattresses.

-Okay, you can take the room. -All right. That's not gonna happen.

-Oh, thanks, you guys! -Okay. Great. Thank you.

I've never stayed in a presidential suite.

[Bostonian accent] Enjoy it, honey.

This one, uh, reminds me a lot of the, uh, suites in, uh, Cuba

before Castro took over.

-That's not-- that's not JFK. -Yes, it's JFK, he's always--

-Ask not what your country can do for you. -Who said that?

-The man's from Boston. -[Moira] John!

He didn't say--

-No, he's not, he's from upstate New York. -Coming, Moira.

And FDR said that.

[jazz music plays]

[bell jingles over door]

What is all this?

Sit.

Did you close down the whole café?

More like I politely but forcefully asked everyone to leave.

So the set menu for tonight

is mozzarella sticks, four-cheese lasagna and a blueberry cheesecake for dessert.

Huh.

That's a lot of dairy.

All of your cheat day favorites.

Also, I may have forgotten about the whole milk situation.

Well, I appreciate the gesture, Alexis.

So I feel like there's an elephant in the room

and I skipped the class that taught us how to care for large mammals

and I don't know how to get it to leave.

You can't move back here, Ted.

You've just been offered the job of your dreams

and there's no turning back now.

And just think of all those gross little flies

that are still out there for you to discover.

Actually, those flies are an invaluable piece of the puzzle

in the study of evolution,

but, yes, we do have our fingers crossed that there are still a few more out there.

What about you? What are you gonna do?

This might come as a shock to you, Ted, but I can't move to the Galápagos.

I wouldn't let you even if you tried.

You're building something special here, Alexis,

and you deserve to see where it takes you.

I'm so proud of you.

I'm so proud of you.

I'd like to think that we helped each other get here.

I know that we did.

And when you get on that plane tomorrow...

I want you to know how grateful I am to have met you.

I don't think I'm ever gonna meet another woman

who made me feel the way that you do.

I'm sure there'll be, like...

some other woman...

somewhere.

[sighs]

Can't say that we didn't try.

I love you, Ted.

I love you too.

["Dedicated to the One I Love" by The Mamas and the Papas]

♪ While I'm far away from you, my baby ♪

♪ I know it's hard for you, my baby ♪

♪ Because it's hard for me, my baby ♪

-♪ And the darkest hour ♪ -To us.

♪ Is just before dawn ♪

To us.

♪ Each night before you go to bed My baby ♪

♪ Whisper a little prayer for me My baby ♪

♪ And tell all the stars above ♪

♪ This is dedicated to the one I love ♪

♪ This is dedicated to the one I love ♪

♪ This is dedicated to the one I love ♪

♪ This is dedicated ♪