All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S06E05.WEB-DL.NF.en

[clears throat] As your publicist,

it is my job to optimize
a branded approach

to real-time engagement with your fanbase
through contextual marketing.

I hope I'm not paying you by the word.

Which is why I came up with the ideation
for the following idea.

"Crows."

"Movie."

"Premiere?"

They're doing a premiere?
I thought it was streaming on Interflix.

Where are they thinking? LA? New York?

London might be central
for the Bosnian team.

No, they're not doing a premiere.

Alexis, your flip-chart says "premiere."

Okay, will you let me finish
what I'm trying to say?

What're you trying to say?

I'm sorry, why are you even involved
in this conversation?

-What is it, Alexis?
-Oh, my God, okay!

So I thought because
they're not throwing a premiere,

we could plan a premiere screening
here in town.

Could be like a cute press angle.

Oh, sure, for a scrappy little novice,

but not for someone
who's cut many a crimson rug.

What's next,
I sign my name in the pavement

outside Bob's Garage?

Jocelyn gives you an honorary degree
at her school?

Host the Met Gala at David's store?

I don't like that one.

No, I have, like, big plans
for an immersive experience.

Ronnie said that she can find
a red carpet,

and Roland has a guy
who rents out live crows.

I think we should take the lead
from Interflix.

I cannot stop the masses
from gathering to view the film,

but best-- best to avoid
any fulsome indecorum

until we're assured a positive reaction.

Remember that Waterworld II premiere?

Exactly, David.

Oh, the last place anyone wanted to be
when those reviews came in

was a glass-bottomed pirate ship
in the middle of the ocean.

Mm.

-Good luck, though.
-Lick rust! Thank you!

[theme music playing]

Can't thank you enough
for driving today, Stevie.

I don't know what is going on with my car.

I do. It's a death trap
that needs to be set on fire

and pushed off a cliff.

Well, I'd love to say
I had a choice in the matter,

but according to David,

driving his fiancé
to go get his wisdom teeth out

is totally within
my maid-of-honor responsibilities.

Okay, tell me how I'm being unreasonable.

Also, if this is what it takes

to get you out
of that dank little apartment...

Excuse me, I have a business meeting
this afternoon.

Just gonna leave it at that?

Mr. Rose asked
if he could come over to my place.

I think he's gonna push for me
to come back,

and I don't know if I can say no.

And that's a bad thing?

I'm supposed to be looking for other jobs.

Okay. Honestly, Stevie, what other job
is better than owning your own business?

I guess I just feel like
after making such a big deal

out of wanting to see
what else is out there,

isn't it kind of... pathetic
to, like... crawl back?

Don't answer that.

I already turned down
another job interview today.

Maybe you just needed to see
what you didn't want

in order to figure out what you do.

Look at me. Two years ago,

I thought I'd have a wife and a kid
at this point.

[snorts] Yeah, well,
one out of two isn't bad.

I've been told I'm... very young at heart.

[rumbling]

Can you drive better, please?

[dog barks, birds chirp]

[door chimes tinkle]

[chattering, music plays]

-Hi.
-[Jocelyn] Uh-oh!

Hello, Access Hollywood?

Have I got a star sighting for you!
[giggles]

Very pawky, Jocelyn.

I just heard the big news.

A movie premiere in our own backyard!
I might have to buy a dress.

Uh, save yourselves
the trip to Frocks4Less.

From what I've heard,
it's more of a minor league viewing party.

Well, I'm still excited.

It reminds me of that time that
Renée Zellweger's brother came in here

and I got him to sign a menu.

I mean, he spelled his name differently,
but I swear it was him. [laughs]

Well, I don't know, Moira,
I'm no movie expert,

but according to the early reviews,
you may have a hit on your hands.

-Reviews?
-Yeah.

There was an article posted
on the Crows account

-that you made us all follow.
-Come look!

Ornithology Today!
Well, if anyone knows crows...

"The Crows Have Eyes III is 'good fun.'"

Well, that's hyperbolic.
I mean, they already had "fun"

[laughs] and now they've added "good."

-[laughs]
-Keep reading!

"The film showcases the emotional depth
and intellectual capacity

of our oft-maligned friend, the crow."

We were resolute
about not making an issues movie,

but I'm glad they picked up on that.

It mentions you, Moira.

It does? Where?

My eyes are blurred. Oh, here it is.

"Moira Rose, as Dr. Clara Mandrake,
is delightfully unhinged."

Do you know what they call this, gals?

An understated rave.

Oh, it's too bad
you won't be there tonight.

It would've been nice to cheer you on.

Yeah, and my plus one,
Janet from the Elmdale Chronicle,

would've really loved a quote.

Well, you might want
to tell your friend Janet

that there just may be
a bombshell attendee after all.

[gasps] Yay! A premiere!

Oh, I don't know if I have anything
fancy enough to wear.

Oh, my default is always formal,

but I'm sure no one will bat a side-eye
at black-tie casual.

Oh, but do pack eyedrops!

The film's first third
is densely packed with exposition,

and you won't want to blink.

Are you sure it's okay
that we haven't seen the first two movies?

Oh, it's actually best.

A lot of this film blatantly contradicts
what's been established in the first two.

Sorry, Twyla. I'm not going to eat now!

-[door chimes tinkle]
-[both squeal excitedly]

[dog barks, door opens]

-Okay, here we go.
-That was a fun car ride.

Yes, it was very fun.

Thank you so much for all the hot tips
you were giving our Uber driver.

For a second,
I was concerned about my rating,

but I think he seemed to enjoy
all the wrong directions

you were yelling at him.

David, I'm hungry.

♪ I'm a hungry, hungry hippo ♪

'Kay, we're not supposed
to feed you right now.

Can you make me a lasagna, David?

[laughs] Imagine, no.

I think we rest this little voice,

'cause you have been chatting
ever since the dentist's office.

Why are you so handsome?

I mean, unless you wanna keep talking,
in which case, that works as well.

How come your skin is, like... perfect.

It's a nine-step regimen I do twice a day.

-It's not a big deal.
-I'm tired.

Oh, okay. Well, you know what,

we should probably get you
over to the bed.

O-kay.

You know what I really wanna do with you?

Uh-huh. Ethically speaking,

I don't think we can do that
with you in this state.

Have a baby.

'Kay, we will make a baby
as soon as you sober up.

Oh, no, not make a baby. Have a baby.

Like, I wanna have, like,
a little baby with you.

And we could just love it
and hold it and bounce it.

Yeah, that's a-- that's a big one-eighty.

-You would be such a good dad.
-Have we met?

I wish you were my dad.

Okay, now we're just spiraling off
in all directions.

Shh! Listen, okay?
Come here, come here. I got a secret.

-I don't--
-Come on.

Mm...

[whispering] David...

I'm very hungry.

Okay, there's nothing I can do about that.

-Wait. Just lie down with me.
-Okay.

-I wanna-- I wanna hold you.
-Mm-hmm.

[sighs] Imagine us right now,
but just with a little baby.

[knocking]

[door opens]

-[Johnny] Hey, Stevie!
-Hey.

-Hey.
-[sighs]

Oh! What's this? Thank you.
You didn't have to bring anything.

Oh, just a little housewarming platter,
since it's my first time here.

Twyla whipped up some sandwiches.
Hope you like mayo.

Thank you.

Wow, so this is-- this is your place.

I'm glad you didn't feel
you needed to clean up

on my account, you know?

It shows just how comfortable
a friendship we actually have.

-I did clean up.
-Right. That's... what I meant.

You didn't feel the need to clean up,

but I appreciate the fact
that, uh-- that you did.

How are things at the motel?

Good. We bought the second motel!

First phase of many
in the Rosebud Motel expansion.

Big things on the horizon, Stevie,

which is, uh, why I wanted
to sit down with you today.

But not on your bed.

Oh, here.

Right.

So, Stevie, it goes without saying

that you've been an invaluable part
of the team.

You don't have to sell me
on the team, Mr. Rose.

And when I was your age,
I had a million and one ideas

and things I wanted to explore,

and I know it takes time
to find the right fit.

Which is why I have a proposal.

Oh! Okay.

I wanna buy you out.

Oh!

Yeah, I know the motel has been
a weight on your shoulders,

and I can offer you installment payments
to give up your status as owner.

And that would give you
some financial stability

while you take the time
and figure things out.

[exhales]

I thought you were gonna try
and talk me into coming back.

Oh, no, no. That wouldn't be fair.
Wouldn't be fair to you.

I'm not gonna stand in the way
of you finding what makes you happy.

And-- And speaking of,
I wanted to give you this.

Oh, wow.

I don't know what to say.

Well, once you get past the haircut
and the dated references,

I'm sure you might find
something useful in there

to help you get your footing.

You don't have to downplay your excitement
on my account, Stevie.

I'll be just fine.

[sighs]

Okay, so I may have a problem.

Oh, it's barely noticeable, dear.
We'll find you an electrologist.

No, I'm talking about the viewing party.

I just got a call
from the Elmdale Chronicle.

Ah, yes, Jocelyn's guest.
We'll need to set aside an extra seat.

Okay, it's just that I know
that you don't wanna make

a big deal about this,
so I can just tell them not to come.

I may have been wrong
and you may have been not wrong.

We can position this as a terrifying tale

premiering in an equally
spine-chilling town.

If the ornithologist review
is any barometer, Alexis,

we m-m-may just have a hit on our hands.

Um, last week, you told me explicitly

that this was not a premiere,
and now it's too late.

Alexis, if you want to cut your teeth
as a high-profile publicist,

you'll need to get used
to throwing things together in a crunch.

I have four hours!

That's eons!

When Demi decided
on a Friday night at 6:00

that she wanted to celebrate
her 40th in Aspen,

her publicist had us in parkas by 7:00.

Sadly, Megan went into cardiac arrest
on the flight,

but she perished doing what she loved.

Um, is that your gown? What is that for?

Oh, I thought
I might throw it on for tonight.

So you're going to the screening?

Yes. A simple "thank you, Mother"
might be a nice place to start.

Also, I thought you returned that.

I did! Or I know I returned a dress.

A glittering, backless thing.
Stella McCartney, I think.

That was mine. I've been looking for that.

-Blame UPS.
-Ugh!

Hey, Alexis, this better be good.

I was in the middle of a pre-show bath,
and with the baby around,

I only get that kind of me-time

-maybe five or six nights a week, so...
-Mm-hmm.

I assume this has something to do

with all the calls
we're getting from TV stations,

asking where they can park their vans?

Um, yeah.
So the premiere may be getting, like,

a little bit bigger than I had planned.

Oh, snap! It's a premiere now?

'Cause first you said it was,

and then you said
it was just a viewing party.

Yeah, and-- and if it's a premiere,
we're all in trouble,

because my skinny jeans are in the wash.

[sighs] No, it is a premiere.

Unfortunately, that decision was made,
like, half an hour ago,

so it would be really helpful
if I could just tell you what I need.

Oh, no, the red carpet
that you told me not to order?

Yes, but at this point,
I will settle for any shade of red,

and it doesn't have to be 60 feet.

Okay, good, 'cause all I've got
is a 20-foot merlot in my garage.

I ripped it out
after the church basement flooded.

That sounds amazing.

And obviously you're coming to me
for a little star power.

I get it. It'd be good to have
a name there tonight.

No. No. You're the crow hook-up.

I wanted to create, like,
a headline-grabbing moment

where I release a bunch of crows
just before the movie starts.

Uh, excuse me, it's a little late notice.

What about the liquor license?

'Cause I assuming people are gonna
wanna be drinking through this thing.

Okay, we have a situation on our hands
that needs to be solved now.

We have a 12-time Daytime Emmy
Award-attending actress

coming to walk a merlot carpet in hours,

and press coming from all over,
bringing attention to your town.

So either you can help me out
or I pull the plug now and nobody wins.

Fine. But you owe me a prime spot
on that carpet.

Wait, you wanna walk the carpet?

Honey, it's a movie premiere, is it not?

Ugh.

And I assume the mayor
is walking the carpet as well, yes?

Yes, if he has to.

Okay, I will schedule your arrival time
when I get home.

I would like to request
a time before Roland.

-And I'd like to go first.
-Mm-kay.

All right, I better get back
and put my skinny jeans into the dryer.

I think they're really gonna pop
on your 20-foot merlot.

I think so too!
They're gonna pop on that carpet.

[exhales] Okay. Mm! Okay.

Okay.

[door opens]

Stevie! Perfect timing.

I was having a technical issue
opening a file here.

It's, uh, being finicky.

Uh, remember, Mr. Rose?
I left you a sticky note.

[mouse clicks]

Ah! Boy, it's times like this
I really miss having you around, Stevie.

Well, um, that's kind of what I wanted
to talk to you about, Mr. Rose.

Um, you know how you told me
to take some time

and figure out what made me happy?

Well, I think I have settled on something.

Is it Larry Air?

'Cause they called me for a reference,

and also asked if I had any interest
in becoming a pilot.

No, it's not Larry Air.

So, chapter one of your book
is all about trusting your instincts,

and I haven't been doing that.

Oh, well, that's okay, Stevie.

I mean, learning to trust your instincts

is something that comes
with age and experience.

No. I'm talking about
trusting your instincts.

I think I've been taking them for granted.

So, you read my book?

Most of the first chapter.

I didn't sleep well last night,
so I kind of dozed off.

Well, the first chapter
is more of an introduction, right?

Setting the table.

'Kay, but what I've realized

is that you've given me the opportunity
to take this job and run with it.

So, if you really think
you can make something

out of franchising this motel,

I think I want to be part of it.

You think?

I wanna be part of it.

I want back in.

Oh!

[inhales, laughs]

[sighs]

Yeah.

Well, I should probably tell you

that you don't necessarily have to trust
all my instincts all the time.

Since you've been gone, I did have to
bring on a third business partner,

and I may as well tell you that it's--

Roland. I know.
He gave me his new business card.

Never saw so many typos
on a business card.

Do you mind if we don't talk
about Roland right now,

'cause I'm feeling really good
about this decision.

Ah! Yeah, me too, partner. Me too.

Listen, while you're here,

I'm wondering if I can get
a couple more refreshers

on what happens
after the file gets opened.

-Uh... you may as well.
-Yeah.

Morning, sunshine.

Mm. It's 5:00 p.m. But good morning.

I really don't remember
how I got into this bed.

I do.

You were talking.

-A lot.
-Uh-oh.

What was I saying?

Well, the conversation
really ran the gamut.

You complimented my flawless skin
and called me the Jewish Channing Tatum,

which all tracks.

But then you told me
you wanted us to have a baby.

[laughs]

What else did I say?

I put you to sleep after that.

Wait. Are you-- are you joking?

No. No, no. You held me close
and told me to envision our lives

with a child.

-I see.
-Mm-hm.

That, uh--
That must've been scary for you.

It was a little triggering. Traumatizing.

David, I know that you don't want kids,
and that's fine with me, okay?

I was very high on anesthetic.

Okay, it's just that earlier today,

when we were in Stevie's car
because your car's always in the shop,

you had mentioned that you'd always
pictured yourself having a kid.

You've never pictured yourself
doing something

that didn't end up happening?

Of course. I'm not married
to Christina Aguilera, am I?

-But it's--
-David, I am happy with the life I've got.

I'm happy with you.

Things change.

Okay.

You're 100% sure you're not just saying
you don't wanna have a kid,

but, in actuality, you secretly do
and are repressing that need just for me?

I don't wanna undermine
the significance of this conversation,

but I do wanna make it known
that I was watching Bridget Jones's Baby

right before I went under.

Okay, well,
that makes a little more sense then.

Mm. You would be a great dad, though.

[laughs] Okay.

You have a big old heart in there, David.

-Yeah. Yeah.
-There it is.

-It's beating away.
-Mm-hmm.

Um, can you grab me
those painkillers, please?

I think I'm gonna need a few of them

if we're still planning on making it
to your mom's thing tonight.

Okay, that's actually a very good idea.

I might take one myself.

Apparently the first 15 minutes
are very, very dense.

-[crowd chatters]
-[clapping]

-[woman] Moira! Over here!
-[crowd cheering]

-Moira! Moira!
-[cheering]

Well, break a leg, sweetheart.
I'll be right here-- ten feet behind you.

No, John, tonight is special,
and I'd like my hand-candy by my side.

-[man] Moira!
-Oh.

[woman] Moira!

Okay, people, we actually need
to walk the carpet, okay?

Move it along.
Ronnie? Look, we had a deal.

Also, not everyone can be
on the carpet at once. Thank you.

When exactly are we gonna
get this show on the road?

As soon as you're off the carpet.

Okay, because Carmine is saying

-that the crows are getting restless.
-Mm!

Where did all these people come from?

Why are your pupils so dilated?

-No, yours are.
-No, yours are.

[gasps] Why are you dressed
like a limo driver?

Your mother insisted.
Why are you both glassy-eyed?

What?

-Wow!
-[crowd claps]

So the crows are ready.

You just say a few words,
and then give Carmine the signal.

[laughs] Alexis, Mommy's home now.
I'll take it from here.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it is my great pleasure to welcome you
to a North American screening

-of the psychological thriller...
-Move it along.

...The Crows Have Eyes III: The Crowening!

[crowd claps, laughs and cheers]

Let the crowening commence!

-[crowd murmurs]
-[quiet gasp] Oh!

-[crows caw]
-[crowd oohs and ahhs]

[gasps] Alexis!

-[crows caw, wings beat loudly]
-[crowd shrieks]

-Oh, ho!
-No!

Please, everyone, stay calm!

-[laughing]
-Whatever you do,

do not look them in the eye!

Okay, you're making them angrier!

I'm not, Alexis!

-I know a bit of their language.
-Ooh!

[shrieks] Caw!

Caw, caw!

-[David giggles]
-[crows caw]

This is fucked.

[crickets chirp, dog barks]

The worst part is people are being robbed
of the experience

of seeing the film on the big screen.

No, that's not the worst part, Moira.

It's fine. There were no serious injuries,

and, because people
are watching from home,

there'll be more views that way.

Okay, have you seen this yet?

Some random news station
just posted video of the premiere.

It's been shared 32,000 times.

Well, all press is good press, right?

You might wanna watch it first.

[reporter] Tonight,
a murder of wild crows attacked

would-be audience members

who had come to see a movie
about a crow attack.

We must warn you, the following content
is pretty graphic.

[crowd screams in terror]

-Oh!
-Okay, they weren't "wild" crows.

They were supposed to be trained.

Trained! Some of them
were painted seagulls.

This is not good, Alexis!

It sorta looks like
people are running away

from your movie, Moira.

You! Look what you have done!

Look what I've done? This was your idea,

and now I have to pay Ronnie
for damage to her carpet!

What were the crows even doing there
in the first place?

It's called an immersive experience,
David!

Immersed in lawsuits maybe. [laughs]

-[people scream on video]
-Alexis, make it stop!