Original subtitles

Oh, my God, I just sent you the first trailer to the Crows movie!

-What? -My Crows movie?

No. Gwen's.

They just sent over a little sneak peek before it goes live tomorrow.

Oh, Alexis! This is a critical moment.

A siren call to the cinematic rapture that is to come.

How did it look?

It, like, literally just came through.

John, draw the curtains.

-David! -[David] What?

We're going to watch the Crows trailer.

No! No, go away.

Perhaps I should screen it privately first.

Okay. Well, I'm here now, so the least you can do is show me it.

-Ooh! -Dad!

John, it's practically obsidian in here!

You just said close the curtains!

Okay. Okay, family, be kind.

-Okay. -Okay.

-Okay, we gotta press play. -Oh. Okay.

[man] Some banks make mortgages way too complicated.

-I don't remember any of this. -Oh, it's just an ad, sweetheart.

Skip it.

-[thunder cracks] -[sinister music]

[crow caws]

[narrator] There was a time when the crows were our friend--

-It halted. Someone hit resume. -Just let it buffer.

-...friends. -Well, we best be returning--

Dad, I told you we needed to upgrade the Wi-Fi.

Oh, this is in no way an optimal viewing experience.

-[gasps] -Oh, it's back!

-Okay, start it over. -Okay.

[man] Some banks make mortgages--

You know what, this is excruciating.

You know what, sweetheart?

Why don't you just give us a holler when it's ready?

[theme music playing]

[sighs]

Oh, my God, David, I totally forgot about your wedding dream book!

Um, where did you find that?

Um, I was looking for an earring and I found it under your pillow.

Anyway, you did it.

You manifested your wedding and I'm, like, literally stunned.

You're stunned.

Yeah, but, like, in a good way.

Like, think of all the people on the planet who find someone--

somehow, you're one of those people.

I don't know how to take that.

I mean, you didn't end up marrying JC Chasez or Jenna Elfman,

but I actually feel like Patrick is kind of the best of both of them.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, so you're still gonna do Keira Knightley's

green dress from Atonement as my maid of honor look?

You know what, haven't got to that stage in the planning process yet,

so I'm not quite sure.

Okay. Well, I'm here for a month,

so you better put me to work while you can.

-[knocking on door] -Hm. Come in.

Well, if it isn't our very own little JC Chasez.

-Sorry. Who? -Ooh, we've been over that.

Um, we should probably go, though.

Oh. Where are my favorite groom and David off to?

[both chuckling]

We are taking Patrick to get his suit fitted.

What kind of suit?

-Hopefully my wedding suit. -Oh, my God.

Well, I'll just grab my bag and come with.

You know what, I don't even know if that's necessary.

Honestly, David, it's fine. I'm your maid of honor.

Um... Mm...

Okay, re: that.

[both chuckle]

You weren't supposed to be here for six months,

so I might have asked someone else.

Okay. Well, I'm here now. So...

who did you ask?

If you say Ronnie--

Oh, I don't think she would have said yes.

-Does not like him. -Yeah.

Um, I asked Stevie.

David, you better be talking about Stevie Nicks.

Stevie said yes?

I mean, it was more of a reluctant "sure."

Okay, well, it sounds like she doesn't actually wanna do it.

So why don't I just come with, and I will gently take it off her hands.

Fine. But I don't want any hurt feelings, because the last thing we need right now

is interpersonal conflict eclipsing my-- our-- day.

Imagine what I can do with your bachelor party, David.

Diplo still sends me nudes.

-It's a DJ. -Okay.

Oh, Roland, I'm shocked. These rooms are in good shape.

Well, I don't know what you were expecting, Johnny.

I mean, no offense,

but I don't throw good money down on lemons.

Who am I, you buying a car?

Okay, we've had no problems with the car, Roland.

-Well... -No, this place has good bones.

Oh, look, the maid forgot to pick up her tip.

Is that a bag full of money?

Yeah, it's kind of a generous tip when you consider

she didn't clean up this garbage and this loaded gun.

All right. Don't point it, put it down. Put the gun down.

Someone's clearly been squatting here,

and by the looks of it, they don't appear to be on the up and up.

Well, maybe Benny and Betty left this here

and we just inherited a bag of money and a gun.

If we're gonna split it up, I call the money.

We're not taking the money, Roland.

Whoever left it here is obviously coming back for it.

Why do you say that?

I left a pack of chewing gum at the movie theater two weeks ago

and I haven't gone back for it.

Look at this, a cigarette and a newspaper.

That stuff could've been here for years.

Then explain why the coffee is still hot.

-It's called global warming, Johnny. -Okay.

Why do you strike me as one of those people

that doesn't believe in that?

Roland, I say we go to the police. We have to let them handle it.

And then what? We offer our guests a discount

to stay in the middle of a crime scene?

Then what do you suggest?

Let's stake out the place.

Person comes back, gets their stuff, leaves, and we change the locks.

Okay, we give it a day, see if the guy comes back.

Or gal. This is the 21st century, Johnny.

-Okay. -Let's get with it. Come on.

I'm with it.

[Dr. Clara Mandrake] Well, we best be returning to the lab, Nathaniel.

It's getting... [caws] ...dark.

But it's the middle of the afternoon. Must be a solar eclipse.

That's not an eclipse, Nathaniel!

Those are birds!

-[cawing] -Ahhh!

And so... [caws] ...what have we done?

[thunder cracks]

[cawing]

[panicked screaming]

[sinister music]

[cawing]

[narrator]"The Crows Have Eyes: The Crowening."

Mrs. Rose, was that you the whole time?

Indeed it was.

Thanks in large part to the thaumaturgy of our special effects department.

Stunning, isn't it, what a human being can do?

So, wait. Did you get the virus in the end?

Was that not clear? Should we give it another watch?

No, I think three times through is the sweet spot.

This is so exciting. What if it gets nominated for an Oscar?

Twyla! No, we must keep the carriage in the wake of the mare.

Golden Globe, perhaps, but I won't let myself envisage that.

I gotta say, the special effects looked way better

than what I pictured when you described it.

Credit the technical wizardry of our team of imaginators.

Gals, we're being rude.

Jocelyn hasn't had a chance to render her opinion,

though the adulation does appear to be unanimous.

Well...

it looked like a real movie.

Now there's the quote for the sizzle reel!

[all laugh]

Oh! It's-- It's neat!

"Neat."

To see you in a-- in a real movie.

Anyways, I bet we are dying to get to rehearsal, ladies.

So let's get those stands.

Of course. We'll pick up this parley after rehearsal.

-Were the crows nice? -Hm.

My uncle had a parrot that kept asking me to take my bra off.

Okay, so you guys just chat up here, and I will keep it cool, keep it casual.

Okay. Here she comes.

She's probably gonna be uncomfortable

admitting that she doesn't wanna be a part of your wedding party,

so I'm gonna make her feel like she's doing me a favor.

-[Patrick] Isn't she, though? -[Alexis] Okay, that's funny.

More of that, but aim it at David.

Please drive.

[engine turns over]

-Like, now. -Yep.

So that's your uniform, huh?

You do know that Pan Am was canceled after a season, right?

Cool and casual, please, David.

I am sitting next to her, so I will be the one to handle this.

This is a flight attendant's uniform.

Why am I wearing it, you ask?

Because this morning I found out

I was gonna be a flight attendant on a real flight.

Wait, didn't you, like, just start?

Uh, less than a week ago? Yeah. Mm-hmm.

So how safe can the plane be

if I'm the one in charge of saving people's lives?

Yeah. Yikes. Not safe.

So you probably just wanna, like, head home, then.

I'm fine. As long as I don't have to go back there.

I was gonna put my life in danger for what, to see the world?

They only fly to Hoboken, Windsor and South Dakota.

I've actually heard South Dakota is quite scenic.

Okay.

Did you know that Larry Air has 18 ongoing lawsuits?

One of which is from Larry himself.

Wow, okay. Got it.

I left a job I actually like for this. What is wrong with me?

How honest do you want us to be?

Oh, no, babe.

It sounds like you have so much on your plate already,

on top of your bridesmaid duties.

Are you sure that you want that much stress?

As crazy as this sounds, I'm actually looking forward to that.

Feel like it's the only job I can't mess up at this point.

Totally.

Mm.

Okay, Johnny.

As soon as we get this place up and running,

the first order of business is to restock the vending machine.

Do you know that all they had

was this Drink Tyme orange soda and one bag of Poly Puffs?

All right, we're gonna have to get some brand names in there.

No, I'm saying get more of this.

Do you realize that this soda is made with 99% real drink?

You can't argue with that kind of math.

Roland, can you focus on the task at hand, please?

If we're gonna be partners, you've gotta take this job more seriously.

Well, why do you think I got these snacks?

I mean, we could be on this stakeout for days, maybe weeks.

-[car rumbles up] -Someone's coming.

Get down.

It is a man.

Your sexist instincts were right as usual.

Okay. Good, good, good. Maybe he'll just get his stuff and leave.

He's taken off his jacket.

He's going to the vending machine?

Roland, we can't have squatters here. One of us is gonna have to talk to him.

Johnny, the guy has a gun.

Okay, then as partners,

I think the only fair thing to do is handle this together.

Okay.

I just need a minute to figure out what I'm gonna say.

-[knock on door] -Come in.

Oh, good, Jocelyn, I caught you in a moment of repose.

Yeah. I was just grading book reports.

[chuckles] Tell me about it.

So how are you doing, Jocelyn?

You seem to be wishing to discharge something

from your chest today at rehearsal and didn't get a chance.

-Oh, no, I'm fine. -You're fine.

Why? Why do you hate my movie?

-I just saw the trailer. -Exactly!

Yet you've already deemed it this year's John Carter.

-I never said that. -You didn't have to.

Just the look in your eyes

sent a chilling, wet gust of raspberries to my face.

I just don't like horror movies.

My first boyfriend took me to a Michael Myers movie

and I never got over it.

Not The Love Guru?

Moira, you don't really care if I like your movie.

Don't be giddy.

But just so you know, Jocelyn,

an actress is only as happy as her unhappiest audience.

What do we think? Bow tie or no bow tie?

-Oh, bow. -No bow.

I sort of feel like bow tie is kind of classic, no?

Okay, you sort of made it seem like you weren't sure.

I'm not sure. But I also very much am.

Also, black bow ties photograph better.

I should know. I once hooked up with three different GQ Men of the Year

at the GQ Men of the Year party.

Okay, sorry. I'm probably not the person to ask for fashion stuff.

Um, speaking of maid of honor duties--

Stevie, thoughts on David's bachelor party?

Uh-oh.

I think I was just gonna see what David wanted to do?

Okay. I'm super easy.

Although I did find a gorgeous ryokan in Hakone

with a hot spring-fed onsen on the balcony,

private chef optional, but I'm open to other ideas.

Okay, hot tip: it often makes for less stress

if you just plan it yourself and then tell the bride after.

Okay, Stevie, not so hot on that tip. Okay?

Okay, I'm starting to realize

that there's a lot more to this job than I thought.

[Alexis] Tell me about it.

I once planned Megan Fox's bachelorette

on this tiny island off the coast of Montenegro

where nothing is illegal. Like, nothing.

Okay. Are you sure you shouldn't do this? Because, I mean,

you're here now, you're David's sister,

and you're clearly better suited for the job.

Oh, my God, Stevie.

I get why you and everyone else would be asking that question,

but the answer is, like... maybe.

What am I doing?

Well, we can just crossfade responsibilities.

No, what am I doing with my life?

I'm now unemployed in my thirties for the second time in a week.

I left your dad high and dry at the motel, and now I'm--

[exhales]

Okay, all of what you're saying may be very, very true,

which is why I will not let you give up this job.

You can do this. And if you can't,

I will be here for the whole month to help you through it.

Bring it in, girl.

Oh, no, I don't think you need to-- Okay.

-[David gasps] -Hey, what do we think about this one?

Oh, my God. Since when did James Bond shop in Elm Glenn?

-So that's a yes? -Yes.

Um, we still need to pick a tie.

[gasping]

So what does our maid of honor think?

Hm? Hm?

Which one is your favorite?

Hm...

Yes.

Can we just get married already?

[chuckles] I'm kidding, I want pageantry that takes months and months to plan.

-Of course you do. -[David] You look so good.

-Fits in the shoulders. -[whispers] Thank you.

[David] Make you button it up.

Okay.

Oh, I really don't know about this, Roland.

Still feels like a police matter to me.

Johnny, you got this. Relax.

Remember, there's two of us and one of him, so...

Okay. [knocks]

Of course, he does have that gun.

-Yeah? -Hi. My name is Johnny Rose...

and this is my partner--

Oh! Part-- Partner. [laughs] He calls me-- No, we actually just met.

Mm. What're you guys, cops?

[laughs nervously] No. No, no. No weapons here.

No, we're, um-- we're the new owners of the motel

and we just stopped by to say hi,

and to get a little more information

about what exactly you're doing here on our property.

And by the way, whatever you're doing is A-okay with me.

But, unfortunately, Professor Prude here is not too keen on squatters.

Who said I'm a squatter?

I'm a long-term tenant.

Betty told me she'd bake that into the contract.

Bake it into the contract. Roland, uh, was it in the contract?

The contract's, like, 25 pages. That's what lawyers are for.

Well, I'm a lawyer, and I assure you that it's in there.

You're a lawyer? Then might I ask what you're doing here?

I'm a prosecutor.

And, uh, when you're putting away the types of guys that I do--

-Or gals. -No, never women.

-No. -It's always safest to keep a low profile,

so part of that involved paying Betty and Benny in cash.

-[exhales] Okay. -Oh.

Well, that explains what that big ole bag was for. [chuckles]

How do you know I have a big old bag?

I didn't know. I-- I didn't know anything about a bag.

You guys have been in my room, haven't you?

You know, I keep a lot of very highly classified documents in here.

-Uh, no, it wasn't us. -No.

But we'll make sure

-nobody pokes around in here again. -Right.

We wouldn't want you to have to use your gun.

You found my gun?

I don't know what he's talking about. Obviously you're a valued guest here.

So here's my card,

and we can set up the same cash payments that you gave to Betty.

Have a very pleasant stay.

Well, Johnny, you still wanna call the cops?

Okay, you were right on this one, Roland.

I think this was a pretty important one to be right on.

Our first guest.

-Yeah. -Not bad, huh?

-Not bad. -Okay.

-How about, "Good job, Roland"? -Good job, Roland.

You're a professional, Roland.

[Dr. Clara Mandrake] What have we done?

[thunder cracks, crows cawing]

Good. Good. And the egg-laying feels grounded.

Hi, Moira.

I didn't wanna interrupt you.

I can see that you're busy watching the trailer again.

I just wanted to apologize for earlier.

No need to self-flagellate, Jocelyn.

Even if yours is the lone dissenting voice in the canticle.

Sorry, Moira.

I think my reason for not wanting to jump on the bandwagon

is just that I've seen you get your hopes up before,

only to be disappointed when things didn't work out.

I don't require coddling.

I know.

Now that I realize that my opinion means something to you,

there is a lot that I like about the trailer.

Do go on.

[clears throat]

"From the first ominous syllable of the narrator's tale,

one can feel the hair on one's arms standing at a frightened attention.

Yes, there will be blood. And, yes, you will be horror-struck.

But, more than that, you will be lured

against every instinct for self-preservation,

to look inside

and face your very own futile resistance to transfiguration."

-Who wrote that? -I did.

You-- You did?

Oh, wow! Jocelyn, thank you.

Nothing about me or my performance?

Oh, it's just a first draft.

Yes. Okay.

-I really liked your feathers! -Mm-hmm.

They're very life-like.

Surprise, they are real.

-1,200 of them hand-sewn into my costume. -Mm-hmm.

The live crows on set welcomed me as their own.

One even tried to mate.

-Ooh. Sounds dangerous. -[chuckles] Wow.

Perhaps one more watch to get your superlatives surging anew?

Oh, Moira, I'm sure that you're tired and... Okay.

[narrator] "There was a time when the crows were our friends."

-That voice really is creepy. -Shh.

Wow, so what happened?

She was ready to hand over the crown.

Oh, she was, but... I feel like she needs it more than I do.

Wow. Who are you?

I know, right? Like, what's happening to me?

-You're going soft. -Ugh.

But don't worry. I won't tell anyone.

Anyway, it might kill me on the day,

but I'm glad she actually found something to distract herself.

Mm. Mm-hmm.

Speaking of the day...

I have a better job for you.

Okay, I think it would be a weird look for me

to be a flower girl at my age, David.

I've thought about it...

and I want you to give me away.

Oh, my God, David.

That's, like, arguably the most important role of the wedding.

A simple yes or no is fine. No need to pull focus. Okay.

I do.

Great.

Although, now that I think about it, I could also be the flower girl.

Like, come out first wearing a gown made entirely of flowers--

-No. -Just walk down the aisle and loop back...

Absolutely not.

...and then quick outfit change and then we're up.

I take it back. I'm gonna ask Jocelyn.

Hm. Hey...

Enough.