All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S06E04.WEB-DL.NF.en

Oh, my God, I just sent you
the first trailer to the Crows movie!

-What?
-My Crows movie?

No. Gwen's.

They just sent over a little sneak peek
before it goes live tomorrow.

Oh, Alexis! This is a critical moment.

A siren call to the cinematic rapture
that is to come.

How did it look?

It, like, literally just came through.

John, draw the curtains.

-David!
-[David] What?

We're going to watch the Crows trailer.

No! No, go away.

Perhaps I should screen it
privately first.

Okay. Well, I'm here now,
so the least you can do is show me it.

-Ooh!
-Dad!

John, it's practically obsidian in here!

You just said close the curtains!

Okay. Okay, family, be kind.

-Okay.
-Okay.

-Okay, we gotta press play.
-Oh. Okay.

[man] Some banks make mortgages
way too complicated.

-I don't remember any of this.
-Oh, it's just an ad, sweetheart.

Skip it.

-[thunder cracks]
-[sinister music]

[crow caws]

[narrator] There was a time
when the crows were our friend--

-It halted. Someone hit resume.
-Just let it buffer.

-...friends.
-Well, we best be returning--

Dad, I told you
we needed to upgrade the Wi-Fi.

Oh, this is in no way
an optimal viewing experience.

-[gasps]
-Oh, it's back!

-Okay, start it over.
-Okay.

[man] Some banks make mortgages--

You know what, this is excruciating.

You know what, sweetheart?

Why don't you just give us a holler
when it's ready?

[theme music playing]

[sighs]

Oh, my God, David, I totally forgot
about your wedding dream book!

Um, where did you find that?

Um, I was looking for an earring
and I found it under your pillow.

Anyway, you did it.

You manifested your wedding
and I'm, like, literally stunned.

You're stunned.

Yeah, but, like, in a good way.

Like, think of all the people
on the planet who find someone--

somehow, you're one of those people.

I don't know how to take that.

I mean, you didn't end up marrying
JC Chasez or Jenna Elfman,

but I actually feel like Patrick
is kind of the best of both of them.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, so you're still gonna do
Keira Knightley's

green dress from Atonement
as my maid of honor look?

You know what, haven't got to that stage
in the planning process yet,

so I'm not quite sure.

Okay. Well, I'm here for a month,

so you better put me to work
while you can.

-[knocking on door]
-Hm. Come in.

Well, if it isn't our very own
little JC Chasez.

-Sorry. Who?
-Ooh, we've been over that.

Um, we should probably go, though.

Oh. Where are my favorite groom
and David off to?

[both chuckling]

We are taking Patrick
to get his suit fitted.

What kind of suit?

-Hopefully my wedding suit.
-Oh, my God.

Well, I'll just grab my bag and come with.

You know what, I don't even know
if that's necessary.

Honestly, David, it's fine.
I'm your maid of honor.

Um... Mm...

Okay, re: that.

[both chuckle]

You weren't supposed to be here
for six months,

so I might have asked someone else.

Okay. Well, I'm here now. So...

who did you ask?

If you say Ronnie--

Oh, I don't think she would have said yes.

-Does not like him.
-Yeah.

Um, I asked Stevie.

David, you better be talking about
Stevie Nicks.

Stevie said yes?

I mean, it was more of a reluctant "sure."

Okay, well, it sounds like
she doesn't actually wanna do it.

So why don't I just come with,
and I will gently take it off her hands.

Fine. But I don't want any hurt feelings,
because the last thing we need right now

is interpersonal conflict
eclipsing my-- our-- day.

Imagine what I can do
with your bachelor party, David.

Diplo still sends me nudes.

-It's a DJ.
-Okay.

Oh, Roland, I'm shocked.
These rooms are in good shape.

Well, I don't know
what you were expecting, Johnny.

I mean, no offense,

but I don't throw good money
down on lemons.

Who am I, you buying a car?

Okay, we've had no problems
with the car, Roland.

-Well...
-No, this place has good bones.

Oh, look, the maid forgot
to pick up her tip.

Is that a bag full of money?

Yeah, it's kind of a generous tip
when you consider

she didn't clean up this garbage
and this loaded gun.

All right. Don't point it, put it down.
Put the gun down.

Someone's clearly been squatting here,

and by the looks of it,
they don't appear to be on the up and up.

Well, maybe Benny and Betty
left this here

and we just inherited a bag of money
and a gun.

If we're gonna split it up,
I call the money.

We're not taking the money, Roland.

Whoever left it here
is obviously coming back for it.

Why do you say that?

I left a pack of chewing gum
at the movie theater two weeks ago

and I haven't gone back for it.

Look at this, a cigarette and a newspaper.

That stuff could've been here for years.

Then explain why the coffee is still hot.

-It's called global warming, Johnny.
-Okay.

Why do you strike me
as one of those people

that doesn't believe in that?

Roland, I say we go to the police.
We have to let them handle it.

And then what?
We offer our guests a discount

to stay in the middle of a crime scene?

Then what do you suggest?

Let's stake out the place.

Person comes back, gets their stuff,
leaves, and we change the locks.

Okay, we give it a day,
see if the guy comes back.

Or gal. This is the 21st century, Johnny.

-Okay.
-Let's get with it. Come on.

I'm with it.

[Dr. Clara Mandrake] Well, we best be
returning to the lab, Nathaniel.

It's getting... [caws] ...dark.

But it's the middle of the afternoon.
Must be a solar eclipse.

That's not an eclipse, Nathaniel!

Those are birds!

-[cawing]
-Ahhh!

And so... [caws] ...what have we done?

[thunder cracks]

[cawing]

[panicked screaming]

[sinister music]

[cawing]

[narrator]"The Crows Have Eyes:
The Crowening."

Mrs. Rose, was that you the whole time?

Indeed it was.

Thanks in large part to the thaumaturgy
of our special effects department.

Stunning, isn't it,
what a human being can do?

So, wait.
Did you get the virus in the end?

Was that not clear?
Should we give it another watch?

No, I think three times through
is the sweet spot.

This is so exciting.
What if it gets nominated for an Oscar?

Twyla! No, we must keep the carriage
in the wake of the mare.

Golden Globe, perhaps,
but I won't let myself envisage that.

I gotta say, the special effects
looked way better

than what I pictured
when you described it.

Credit the technical wizardry
of our team of imaginators.

Gals, we're being rude.

Jocelyn hasn't had a chance
to render her opinion,

though the adulation
does appear to be unanimous.

Well...

it looked like a real movie.

Now there's the quote for the sizzle reel!

[all laugh]

Oh! It's-- It's neat!

"Neat."

To see you in a-- in a real movie.

Anyways, I bet we are dying
to get to rehearsal, ladies.

So let's get those stands.

Of course.
We'll pick up this parley after rehearsal.

-Were the crows nice?
-Hm.

My uncle had a parrot
that kept asking me to take my bra off.

Okay, so you guys just chat up here,
and I will keep it cool, keep it casual.

Okay. Here she comes.

She's probably gonna be uncomfortable

admitting that she doesn't wanna be
a part of your wedding party,

so I'm gonna make her feel
like she's doing me a favor.

-[Patrick] Isn't she, though?
-[Alexis] Okay, that's funny.

More of that, but aim it at David.

Please drive.

[engine turns over]

-Like, now.
-Yep.

So that's your uniform, huh?

You do know that Pan Am was canceled
after a season, right?

Cool and casual, please, David.

I am sitting next to her,
so I will be the one to handle this.

This is a flight attendant's uniform.

Why am I wearing it, you ask?

Because this morning I found out

I was gonna be a flight attendant
on a real flight.

Wait, didn't you, like, just start?

Uh, less than a week ago? Yeah. Mm-hmm.

So how safe can the plane be

if I'm the one in charge
of saving people's lives?

Yeah. Yikes. Not safe.

So you probably just wanna, like,
head home, then.

I'm fine. As long as
I don't have to go back there.

I was gonna put my life in danger
for what, to see the world?

They only fly to Hoboken,
Windsor and South Dakota.

I've actually heard
South Dakota is quite scenic.

Okay.

Did you know that Larry Air
has 18 ongoing lawsuits?

One of which is from Larry himself.

Wow, okay. Got it.

I left a job I actually like for this.
What is wrong with me?

How honest do you want us to be?

Oh, no, babe.

It sounds like you have so much
on your plate already,

on top of your bridesmaid duties.

Are you sure that you want
that much stress?

As crazy as this sounds,
I'm actually looking forward to that.

Feel like it's the only job
I can't mess up at this point.

Totally.

Mm.

Okay, Johnny.

As soon as we get this place
up and running,

the first order of business
is to restock the vending machine.

Do you know that all they had

was this Drink Tyme orange soda
and one bag of Poly Puffs?

All right, we're gonna have to get
some brand names in there.

No, I'm saying get more of this.

Do you realize that this soda
is made with 99% real drink?

You can't argue with that kind of math.

Roland, can you focus
on the task at hand, please?

If we're gonna be partners,
you've gotta take this job more seriously.

Well, why do you think I got these snacks?

I mean, we could be on this stakeout
for days, maybe weeks.

-[car rumbles up]
-Someone's coming.

Get down.

It is a man.

Your sexist instincts were right as usual.

Okay. Good, good, good.
Maybe he'll just get his stuff and leave.

He's taken off his jacket.

He's going to the vending machine?

Roland, we can't have squatters here.
One of us is gonna have to talk to him.

Johnny, the guy has a gun.

Okay, then as partners,

I think the only fair thing to do
is handle this together.

Okay.

I just need a minute to figure out
what I'm gonna say.

-[knock on door]
-Come in.

Oh, good, Jocelyn,
I caught you in a moment of repose.

Yeah. I was just grading book reports.

[chuckles] Tell me about it.

So how are you doing, Jocelyn?

You seem to be wishing
to discharge something

from your chest today at rehearsal
and didn't get a chance.

-Oh, no, I'm fine.
-You're fine.

Why? Why do you hate my movie?

-I just saw the trailer.
-Exactly!

Yet you've already deemed it
this year's John Carter.

-I never said that.
-You didn't have to.

Just the look in your eyes

sent a chilling, wet gust of raspberries
to my face.

I just don't like horror movies.

My first boyfriend took me
to a Michael Myers movie

and I never got over it.

Not The Love Guru?

Moira, you don't really care
if I like your movie.

Don't be giddy.

But just so you know, Jocelyn,

an actress is only as happy
as her unhappiest audience.

What do we think? Bow tie or no bow tie?

-Oh, bow.
-No bow.

I sort of feel like bow tie
is kind of classic, no?

Okay, you sort of made it seem
like you weren't sure.

I'm not sure. But I also very much am.

Also, black bow ties photograph better.

I should know. I once hooked up
with three different GQ Men of the Year

at the GQ Men of the Year party.

Okay, sorry. I'm probably not the person
to ask for fashion stuff.

Um, speaking of maid of honor duties--

Stevie, thoughts on
David's bachelor party?

Uh-oh.

I think I was just gonna see
what David wanted to do?

Okay. I'm super easy.

Although I did find a gorgeous ryokan
in Hakone

with a hot spring-fed onsen
on the balcony,

private chef optional,
but I'm open to other ideas.

Okay, hot tip:
it often makes for less stress

if you just plan it yourself
and then tell the bride after.

Okay, Stevie,
not so hot on that tip. Okay?

Okay, I'm starting to realize

that there's a lot more to this job
than I thought.

[Alexis] Tell me about it.

I once planned Megan Fox's bachelorette

on this tiny island
off the coast of Montenegro

where nothing is illegal. Like, nothing.

Okay. Are you sure you shouldn't do this?
Because, I mean,

you're here now, you're David's sister,

and you're clearly
better suited for the job.

Oh, my God, Stevie.

I get why you and everyone else
would be asking that question,

but the answer is, like... maybe.

What am I doing?

Well, we can just crossfade
responsibilities.

No, what am I doing with my life?

I'm now unemployed in my thirties
for the second time in a week.

I left your dad high and dry
at the motel, and now I'm--

[exhales]

Okay, all of what you're saying
may be very, very true,

which is why I will not let you
give up this job.

You can do this. And if you can't,

I will be here for the whole month
to help you through it.

Bring it in, girl.

Oh, no, I don't think you need to-- Okay.

-[David gasps]
-Hey, what do we think about this one?

Oh, my God. Since when did James Bond
shop in Elm Glenn?

-So that's a yes?
-Yes.

Um, we still need to pick a tie.

[gasping]

So what does our maid of honor think?

Hm? Hm?

Which one is your favorite?

Hm...

Yes.

Can we just get married already?

[chuckles] I'm kidding, I want pageantry
that takes months and months to plan.

-Of course you do.
-[David] You look so good.

-Fits in the shoulders.
-[whispers] Thank you.

[David] Make you button it up.

Okay.

Oh, I really don't know
about this, Roland.

Still feels like a police matter to me.

Johnny, you got this. Relax.

Remember, there's two of us
and one of him, so...

Okay. [knocks]

Of course, he does have that gun.

-Yeah?
-Hi. My name is Johnny Rose...

and this is my partner--

Oh! Part-- Partner. [laughs]
He calls me-- No, we actually just met.

Mm. What're you guys, cops?

[laughs nervously] No. No, no.
No weapons here.

No, we're, um--
we're the new owners of the motel

and we just stopped by to say hi,

and to get a little more information

about what exactly
you're doing here on our property.

And by the way, whatever you're doing
is A-okay with me.

But, unfortunately, Professor Prude here
is not too keen on squatters.

Who said I'm a squatter?

I'm a long-term tenant.

Betty told me
she'd bake that into the contract.

Bake it into the contract.
Roland, uh, was it in the contract?

The contract's, like, 25 pages.
That's what lawyers are for.

Well, I'm a lawyer,
and I assure you that it's in there.

You're a lawyer?
Then might I ask what you're doing here?

I'm a prosecutor.

And, uh, when you're putting away
the types of guys that I do--

-Or gals.
-No, never women.

-No.
-It's always safest to keep a low profile,

so part of that involved
paying Betty and Benny in cash.

-[exhales] Okay.
-Oh.

Well, that explains
what that big ole bag was for. [chuckles]

How do you know I have a big old bag?

I didn't know.
I-- I didn't know anything about a bag.

You guys have been in my room,
haven't you?

You know, I keep a lot of
very highly classified documents in here.

-Uh, no, it wasn't us.
-No.

But we'll make sure

-nobody pokes around in here again.
-Right.

We wouldn't want you
to have to use your gun.

You found my gun?

I don't know what he's talking about.
Obviously you're a valued guest here.

So here's my card,

and we can set up the same cash payments
that you gave to Betty.

Have a very pleasant stay.

Well, Johnny,
you still wanna call the cops?

Okay, you were right on this one, Roland.

I think this was a pretty important one
to be right on.

Our first guest.

-Yeah.
-Not bad, huh?

-Not bad.
-Okay.

-How about, "Good job, Roland"?
-Good job, Roland.

You're a professional, Roland.

[Dr. Clara Mandrake] What have we done?

[thunder cracks, crows cawing]

Good. Good.
And the egg-laying feels grounded.

Hi, Moira.

I didn't wanna interrupt you.

I can see that you're busy
watching the trailer again.

I just wanted to apologize for earlier.

No need to self-flagellate, Jocelyn.

Even if yours is the lone dissenting voice
in the canticle.

Sorry, Moira.

I think my reason
for not wanting to jump on the bandwagon

is just that I've seen you
get your hopes up before,

only to be disappointed
when things didn't work out.

I don't require coddling.

I know.

Now that I realize that my opinion
means something to you,

there is a lot that I like
about the trailer.

Do go on.

[clears throat]

"From the first ominous syllable
of the narrator's tale,

one can feel the hair on one's arms
standing at a frightened attention.

Yes, there will be blood.
And, yes, you will be horror-struck.

But, more than that, you will be lured

against every instinct
for self-preservation,

to look inside

and face your very own
futile resistance to transfiguration."

-Who wrote that?
-I did.

You-- You did?

Oh, wow! Jocelyn, thank you.

Nothing about me or my performance?

Oh, it's just a first draft.

Yes. Okay.

-I really liked your feathers!
-Mm-hmm.

They're very life-like.

Surprise, they are real.

-1,200 of them hand-sewn into my costume.
-Mm-hmm.

The live crows on set
welcomed me as their own.

One even tried to mate.

-Ooh. Sounds dangerous.
-[chuckles] Wow.

Perhaps one more watch
to get your superlatives surging anew?

Oh, Moira,
I'm sure that you're tired and... Okay.

[narrator] "There was a time
when the crows were our friends."

-That voice really is creepy.
-Shh.

Wow, so what happened?

She was ready to hand over the crown.

Oh, she was, but...
I feel like she needs it more than I do.

Wow. Who are you?

I know, right?
Like, what's happening to me?

-You're going soft.
-Ugh.

But don't worry. I won't tell anyone.

Anyway, it might kill me on the day,

but I'm glad she actually found
something to distract herself.

Mm. Mm-hmm.

Speaking of the day...

I have a better job for you.

Okay, I think it would be
a weird look for me

to be a flower girl at my age, David.

I've thought about it...

and I want you to give me away.

Oh, my God, David.

That's, like, arguably
the most important role of the wedding.

A simple yes or no is fine.
No need to pull focus. Okay.

I do.

Great.

Although, now that I think about it,
I could also be the flower girl.

Like, come out first wearing a gown
made entirely of flowers--

-No.
-Just walk down the aisle and loop back...

Absolutely not.

...and then quick outfit change
and then we're up.

I take it back. I'm gonna ask Jocelyn.

Hm. Hey...

Enough.