All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S06E03.WEB-DL.NF.en

[Skype chimes]

I-- I can see you! Can you see me?

Finally! How many days has it been?

Yeah, sorry about that.

We ended up having to extend
our research trip.

But it was totally worth it
because we discovered

a new breed of fly that mates with itself.

Yum! Mm.

Well, I guess
if this is what you look like

after finding some gross fly,

I can forgive you
for being away for so long.

I've actually been bench pressing
100-pound tortoises

because there's no gym here.

Ted! Stop making me jealous of turtles.

Tortoises, but I do have tur-tell you

that I've been thinking about you, a lot,
especially at nighttime.

What a coincidence.

I've been thinking about you a lot
at nighttime.

-I've been all alone and lonely.
-[door opens]

-[gasps] Oh!
-Oh, my God, David! Knock much?

-Ugh!
-[Ted] Hi, David!

Hi. Is he dressed?

-Yes!
-Ugh. Forget it.

Okay, we're celebrating our anniversary.
Can you give us some privacy, please?

Kids, just wanna let you know
I'm taking the car this morning.

-Ugh!
-Mm.

You might wanna say hi to Ted.

He and Alexis were about to engage
in cybersex.

[frustrated] Mm!

-Hi, Ted.
-Hi, Mr. Rose.

Alexis, what have I told you
about putting your body on the Internet?

-Never! Never without proper lighting.
-Can everyone get out, please?

I haven't seen my boyfriend
in, like, eight days.

And I haven't seen my furry Fendis
for weeks.

Hi, Mrs. Rose!

No. We're not engaging with them.

Everybody out
so I can finish off with Ted!

-Sick!
-Ugh! Goodbye, please!

Found them!

[theme music playing]

-[birds chirp]
-[mutters]

[loud knock, door opens]

[sighs]

What took you so long?

Uh, you said it was an emergency,
so I came straight here.

You stopped for coffee?

And a breakfast burrito that I got to go.
So what's going on?

[sighs]

I need you to help me...

put together an outfit.

'Kay, I have a job interview
this afternoon

and I need to look professional.

So, does that mean
you're officially leaving the motel?

No. Just, I don't know,

I'm just, you know,
trying to see what's out there.

-Hmm.
-And...

Larry Air is hosting an open call
for employment opportunities.

Okay, "Larrierre" sounds like
a dollar-store perfume.

It's an airline.
Larry is the name of the CEO.

He used to own a chain of delis,

but then he sold them
to buy a bunch of planes.

-Mm.
-I get to travel, see the world.

Mm-hmm. You know that I was once told

that I would make
an excellent flight attendant.

Hmm! By who?

Sandy, the hostess on our private plane.

She once let me debone a branzino
during turbulence.

So what're you trying to say?

You don't think I have what it takes
to be a flight attendant?

No. I just think
if it's between the two of us,

we all know who's getting the job.

Oh! Okay.

Why don't you come with me then and--
and we'll see who gets it.

Well, if this is what we're working with,
I think we can hand me the contract today.

[chuckles] I need a boot.

[Johnny] I think the pitch
for the new motel went well.

If all goes to plan,

we should be able to move forward
even without Stevie.

I want you to know, Johnny,
I am not gonna abandon you like she did.

-Stevie didn't abandon us.
-Well, jump ship.

Look, origami!

All right, gentlemen,
I spoke with my manager

and everyone's in agreement
that this proposal is excellent.

Ah! That sounds good!

Unfortunately, we couldn't
offer the loan at this time.

Sorry, I might've gotten confused there.

The bank has assessed
that you don't have enough assets

to secure the loan.

I have assets. I'm invested in the motel.

Which doesn't appear to be in your name.

That's right, it's in my partner's name.

So, you're Stevie Budd?

[chuckles] No. Believe it or not,
that's actually a woman's name.

Look, there must be something
we can do here.

I ran a major business for 30 years.

Yeah, and look at the way
this guy bounced back

from total financial ruin.

You know, there was a day
when banks would provide loans

based solely on their faith
in a very solid business idea.

That's gonna be a tough sell to my boss.
We don't offer faith-based loans.

Okay, uh, I did not wanna play this card,
but... I will.

-I am the mayor.
-You already mentioned that.

'Kay, did I mention
I went steady with your mom?

Unfortunately, you did.

Okay, then I'm out. I got nothing.

Honey, you're home!

Yay!

Alexis! Your father and I
are going to meet for a celebratory lunch

when he's done at the bank, and...
I was supposed to invite you to join us.

Yeah, I'm a little busy.

What in God's name do you have there?

Please tell me it's not a Testudine.

No, it's a turtle.

Alexis! Turtles do not pets make.

The poor things are riddled
with a myriad of diseases.

You may as well tie a leash
around a raw chicken cutlet.

Relax, they said he's already been washed.
Say hello to Ted.

Hello, Theodore. I don't see the computer.

No, I've named the turtle Ted.

All the blogs about successful
long-term relationships

say that the key
is creating shared experiences.

Oh, dear.

If your coupling is too frangible
to survive this brief disunion--

Okay, I am trying my best.

Is this supposed to be
making me feel better?

Oh, very well. Alexis,
if you desire a love with longevity,

the key is to have
as little in common as possible.

After an award-worthy trilogy
of decades together,

your father and I
still astonish each other.

Although today, I will but feign surprise
when he tells me he's secured a hefty loan

to initiate
our imminent connecting departure

from this lengthy layover.

You'll be coming with?

No. I have to give Ted his pellets,
and then put him down for a little nap.

Sexy.

[sniffs, gags] Mm! Mm!

Now, is this look comfortable for you,
or uncomfortable?

Uh, you dress for the job you want.

So you wanna be a youth pastor?

Hi. Wow. While that joke
was surprisingly sharp,

these are Patrick's clothes.

So, you might wanna tell that
to my fiancé's face.

Mm. "Larry Air, recent improvements:

all chairs will have tray tables,
not just first class." [chuckles]

I feel like I'm flying on the Concorde.

You can leave anytime.
I'm fine to do this on my own.

How will I get the job
if I leave now though?

All right, everyone,

if you could please follow me,
we're ready to get started.

Thank you so much.

Well, it is so exciting to see
how much interest there is in Larry Air.

Oh, I should mention,
if anyone here is involved

in the class-action lawsuit
against Larry Air,

you are disqualified from applying.

All right, why don't we go around,
and I'll have each of you state your name

and tell us what you consider
your biggest weakness.

Ooh!

Me? Um... Stevie Budd, and, um...

I'd say my biggest weakness is...

-that I'm disorganized.
-Ooh, that's true.

-And, um, I'm indecisive.
-Yes.

Uh... I also--

Okay. We just needed one. Next?

Hi. David Rose.

Would we consider loyalty a weakness?

If not, I'm also really honest.

I'm just gonna put down chatty.

-Okay.
-Hmph.

-[birds chirp]
-[car rumbles]

Well, she said there was nothing
she could do.

Apparently, I don't have enough assets.

Yeah, she said apparently
Johnny doesn't have enough assets.

Yeah, and the problem is,
how do you get assets without the loan?

But the problem is,
how do you get assets without a loan?

Roland, you're not adding anything
to the sentence,

you're just repeating what I said.

Anyway, I don't know how long
this will set us back, Moira.

Could be another year or two
before we make any headway.

Oh, surely there's
some penny-wise townsperson

with a hidden rainy-day reservoir.

Well, you know, uh,
I don't wanna be the town gossip here,

but, uh, the other day,

I got a look at Bob's financial statement
on his desk in the office,

and that garage is doing great!

Plus, he got plugs last year,
but you didn't hear that from me.

You know, come to think of it,
Gwen has been coming to rehearsal

in those fancy yoga clothes.
Those are not cheap.

I know because I buy the knockoffs,

and they're not cheap.

Bob...

You know, he was very interested
in that bagel business a while ago,

and this is a much stronger idea.

Roland and I are having dinner
with Bob and Gwen tonight.

-Bob!
-Hey, folks.

Bob!

Oh, look at you, Robert,

with the hides of a herd of Holstein
on your back.

[laughing] Yeah. Sorry, uh,
I don't have time to chat. Uh...

I just had two cups of coffee,
uh, I don't wanna push my luck.

I mean, uh, these pants,
they take, like, a year to unlace, so...

Bye-bye.

Roses, I hope you like fish,

'cause I think
we just reeled in a big one.

[bell tinkles]

Hey, Alexis.
Another green smoothie, no greens?

Um... yeah, if you're making one.

No. I'm asking if you want one.

[sighs] Okay, Twy,
I didn't, like, leave anything behind

when I popped by earlier, did I?

I don't think so,
but if you tell me what you lost,

I can ask George if anyone turned it in.

No, it's-- it's nothing.
It's just a turtle.

-What?
-His name is Ted and he's gone.

And I can't remember where I put him,
and I thought it was in the motel,

but he could've, like,
crawled out of my purse

when I brought him by the cafe earlier.

Okay. Turtles are actually, kind of,
like, huge health hazards,

so when did you last see him?

'Kay, it's been weeks.

But between the patchy Wi-Fi
and, like, the ten-day nature trips,

and me being alone here,

kind of feels like he left
the day that he flew to the Galapagos.

The turtle flew to the Galapagos?

No, Ted the turtle is missing.

I am now talking about
my boyfriend Ted, Twy.

It'd be great if you could keep up.

Right. Sorry.

The slowest animal on earth
escaped from me.

That can't not be a bad sign.

My mom had a turtle dove
that was eaten by her ex-fiancé's snake.

-That was a bad sign.
-Oh, my God.

-And it happened on Valentine's Day.
-Mm.

And her fiancé was a Satanist.

I think you guys are just
going through a tough time.

But... who knows?

Maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised

by how much closer
this brings the two of you.

And if it makes you feel any better,
turtles actually thrive out of captivity.

Thanks, Twy.

Oh, and if you do see Ted, like,
waddling around in the kitchen,

just feed him a carrot
and shoot me a text.

[laughs] I hope you're joking.

Me too, girl. [air kiss] Love you!

[bells tinkle]

-Excuse me.
-Mm?

This baby behind me
has been crying for over an hour now

and I just can't take it anymore.

You and me both.
I have shushed them thrice at this point.

Now, here are your options:

I could either move those two
to the back of the plane,

or I could offer you
some complimentary alcohol

to make your flight
a little more bearable.

Okay. Thank you, David.

Thank you, Carol!

-That was a great example...
-Thank you!

...of what not to do.

David just reminded us

of two touchstone policies
here at Larry Air:

no seat changes,

and "complimentary"
is not in our corporate vocabulary.

But finger snaps for David!

-[all snapping fingers]
-We don't... Sure.

Okay, I think it's time
to move onto the final round.

If I call your name, please stand up.

Rupinder Pimms, Tracey Mickleson,

Felix Ng, and David Rose.

-Fuck yes!
-I regret to inform you,

you will not be asked
to continue the process.

[chuckles] This is so embarrassing.

-I thought you said David Rose.
-I did.

Too bad they didn't have
a branzino to debone,

-because you would've got this.
-Hmm.

Yeah, hi, Carol?

Uh, it's just that some of us
drove some of the other applicants here,

so it might just be easier

if we all just moved forward
into the next round.

I think it's best if you wait in the hall.

Okay.

I'll be taking some of these
complimentary peanuts then.

Oh, as I pointed out,
nothing is complimentary on Larry Air.

I'm taking the peanuts, Carol!

[Carol] Okay, moving on.

[music plays]

Well, hopefully, Gwen will be here soon.

Oh, we don't have to wait for Gwen.

Oh, I think we do.
It, uh, gives us more time to talk.

How often do good friends
get a chance to sit around and, uh,

-and talk?
-Right!

And, you know, I didn't get a chance
to tell you before,

but that is one snazzy outfit.
[chuckles] I mean...

Somebody...
Somebody's got some money to burn.

[chuckles] Take it easy, Roland.

-Well...
-Let's not embarrass the man.

He obviously knows
what his money can do for him.

-[chuckles]
-This is so exciting!

I feel like I'm a Wolf of Wall Street.

Good. Then let's go get our lamb.

Oh, are we having lamb?

No, just my Sloppy Jocelyns.
Hope you're hungry, Bob.

Speaking of yummy opportunities,

John, were you able to return
Bill and Melinda's call today

about the hmm hmm-hmm?

Well, you know, Moira,
we're not supposed to be

discussing investment opportunities
at the table,

no matter how lucrative they might be.

But you know what the Gateses are like--
Bill and Melinda.

You know,
they're expecting your call about...

[loud whisper] the investment.

-Yeah.
-Wow! You know Bill Gates?

Oh, who doesn't? But you're right, Bob.

Why gild their lilies

when there might be someone
right under our noses

looking for a lucrative venture?

Well, I... Look, I...
I might as well just come clean.

Gwen's not coming.

Let's eat.

Yeah, she, uh, she left me.

I'm sorry, it's just all this--
all this money talk,

and all I can think about
is how much I spent on this suit.

Gwen, she told me, you know,
she said, "I like bad boys,"

and now she's holed up with our minister.

She was bragging
about a religious experience.

Perhaps there's an upside to all this,

-fiscally speaking.
-Hmm!

[laughs]

Oh, no, no. [laughs]

Listen, uh, Johnny, I hate to ask,

but, uh, you just seem to have
so many, uh, high-profile friends.

Do you think one of them
might be open to cutting me a loan?

See, Gwen and Parson Jim, they're--
they're after the house.

Mm.

[crickets chirp]

So, are you just never gonna
talk to me ever again?

I asked you to roll up
the window in the car.

The highway smelled like manure.

Okay. It just seems like you're upset.

Not upset. Just didn't feel like talking
in the car. So...

Okay.

Did Carol embarrass herself
by sending me away in front of everybody?

Absolutely.

Was the entire group shocked
by that decision?

Seemed like it,
based on some people's faces.

Now ask me if I care.

-Do you care--
-Don't care! I don't care! [chuckles]

You are such a sore loser.

-I am not!
-[snorts]

I'm not. It's just,
do you really wanna work for a place

that clearly doesn't know
what they're doing?

Oh, well, they really want me
to work for them,

so I have to trust that
they do know what they're doing.

-Okay.
-Admit it.

I'm more qualified than you.

-Fine.
-Admit it.

You're more qualified than me.

-Thank you!
-Now...

let's see what exciting
new job opportunities await you

in your new career as an airline hostess.

Give me that! Give it!

I am so embarrassed for you!

Now, I would love to use
one of Larry Air's

"completely private" new paid toilets.

I don't know why they have to stress
"completely private."

Get out! Get out!

No.

[gulps] Ugh!

[crickets chirp]

[Alexis] Ted! Dinner's ready!

-[knocking on door]
-Ugh!

-Alexis Rose?
-Yes?

Mr. Mullens has arranged a limo for you.
If you could please come with me.

How do I know this isn't, like,
an abduction or something?

It's not an abduction.

You didn't blink. I believe you.
Um, okay, I'll be out in five.

[soft jazz music plays]

[door opens, bells tinkle]

Good evening, Ms. Rose.

The other member of your party
has already been seated.

♪ I tell myself that I'm... ♪

♪ So lucky ♪

♪ To be loving you ♪

Oh, hi.

Ted! What is this?

Well, I couldn't let our anniversary go
without a celebration.

Just because we're not in the same city
doesn't mean that we can't go on a date.

And you're wearing a little tie
with your short-sleeved shirt.

My little Galapo-guy.

Yeah, it's actually really hot here,

so the bottom half
is just my bathing suit and flip-flops.

[gasps] Ted! More about
your bottom half, please!

Twyla's not standing
right behind you, is she?

Hi, Ted.

Twyla, again, I can't thank you enough
for making this happen.

Um, I can lock up if you wanna go, Twy.

Oh, someone has to serve you dinner.

But don't worry,
I'll stay out of your way.

[chuckles]

Alexis, I'm sorry for dropping the ball
on our calls.

I thought that we would have Wi-Fi
on the trip and we didn't,

so the rest of the team just had to listen
to me talk about you for seven days.

In fact, they actually named
the new fly "Alexis."

The fly that mates with itself?

Yeah, I think the important thing is that,
now, I have a little Alexis here with me,

just buzzing around.

I'm just, like, so happy to see your face.

Me too.

-♪ So lucky ♪
-Boop!

-Boop!
-♪ To be loving you ♪

-Boop! Boop!
-Boop!

[crickets chirp]

Okay, John, I'm going to throw
another name at you.

Ronnie, owns her own business, no kids.

Clearly doesn't spend any money
on herself.

I appreciate the enthusiasm, Moira,
but, uh...

I just got off the phone
with Betty Turkstra.

She sold the place.

No, John!

I'll keep an eye open
for a less pricey property,

but, uh, without Stevie,
I think we're in a bit of a bind.

Oh, John, hold me.

Good is coming, it has to.

[knocking on door]

Hello, Johnny!

Look, I appreciate the gesture, guys,

but, uh, this is not a good night
for champagne.

Oh, speak for yourself, John.

Oh, good, you're lying down!
We have big news.

If you're referring to the bath-time video
Gwen posted...

No, no, it's... it's not that exciting.

No, um... [clears throat]

Well, we...

-Bought the motel! [gasps]
-What?

Yeah, we took out a second mortgage
on our house.

Yeah. After what went down at dinner,
Joc and I started talking, and we figured,

well, if it's good enough
for Bill Gates to invest in,

it's, uh, good enough for us to invest in.

Roland, we don't actually know--

I'm-- I'm sorry,
I'm-- I'm not comprehending.

We... are buying into the business.

Say hello to your new business partners.

Oh, well, if that's not cause for alcohol,
I don't know what is.

So, we have the motel?

We sure do.

Now, first order of business,
we need name tags.

[laughing]

I don't believe this!
Roland, we will make this work.

-Yes.
-We'll make it work.

-Thank you. Thank you, Roland.
-Okay. Sure. All right.

Why is there a turtle on the floor?

[Moira] Alexis!