All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S06E02.WEB-DL.NF.en

[birds chirping]

[dog barks]

-What is that?
-What's what?

-Something spilled.
-What?

-Something spilled in the bed.
-Okay, well, clean it up!

No, it's wet. There's wet in the bed.

-What?
-Yeah.

-Well, what did you spill, David?
-I didn't spill anything!

-Well, what... Are you bleeding?
-What? No!

Well, what is it?

Nothing.

-Is it you? What happened?
-Nothing!

Oh, my God, David, did you wet the bed?

No. I have to go.

-I have to go.
-You're not going anywhere.

No, I need to leave.

David, calm down, okay? It's fine.

It's not fine! Nothing about that is fine.

Do we have to file for divorce
if we were never married?

We are not getting divorced... yet.

I need to see if I can get the stain
out of my sheets first.

Okay, does that window open?
Because I'm about to jump out of it.

David, just get in the shower.
I will deal with this.

Just let-- let me do that for you.

And I gotta probably get these sheets
in the wash sooner than later.

I will take a shower,
but we must never see each other again.

Okay, that sounds like a fair deal.

David, I'm gonna need
the bedspread too, so...

Just--

Okay.

-I love you.
-I'm glad one of us does.

[theme music playing]

-Hey.
-Mm!

So how was your seventh shower?

Satisfactory, thank you so much.

-Listen, David, I--
-Yeah, you know what?

Can we just not?

Well, I think it's important that we do.

-Oh, my God!
-Look, things happen.

Yes, things happen!

Things happen all in your sheets,

and now you need to remake
your little bed, because I peed in it!

David, there is absolutely nothing
to be ashamed of, okay?

And look, I found this blanket
that I thought I had lost

in the laundry room,
so you've actually done me a favor.

Mm.

So maybe we can, um...

Maybe we can take divorce off the table?

Maybe, but if the tables were turned,
I can't say I'd be as generous.

Understood.

[crackling]

-What is that noise?
-I don't know.

Maybe the sheets are a bit stiff.

No, it's like a crinkling sound.

Oh, you're probably just sitting
on the mattress tag.

[gasps]

-Is this a mattress protector?
-No.

No, no, that's a-- a second sheet
that you put on the mattress,

um, that my mom gave me
when I moved in, so I just--

-You put down a plastic sheet?
-Well, I don't think it's a pla--

It might have like a rubberized coating,
but I don't know.

-Oh, my God!
-Purely coincidental.

Purely coincidental?

[sighs] Okay, look.

I just wanted you to be comfortable

-in case it happened again, that's--
-Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Come on, David,
it's an expensive mattress!

More expensive than my dignity?

-I mean, comparable, at least.
-Wow.

-Wow!
-Okay.

-Well...
-No good?

[birds chirping]

[knocks]

Hey, I just got off the phone
with the PR people from Interflix,

they're making the announcement
about the "Crows" movie at noon,

so they've requested that you do
a social media takeover,

but don't worry, I will handle it.

Takeover? That sounds hostile.

No, they just want you to, like,
send out posts from their account,

but I will do it for you.

-You will?
-Mm-hmm, trust me.

I've dated enough
mid-level latte art influencers

to know what the people want.

I'm sorry, Alexis, I only understood
about half of what you just said.

What exactly is required of me?

Um, just, like, a couple of cute pics,
and funny one-liners.

I see, and you would be the architect
behind those funny one-liners?

-Mm-hmm.
-[laughs]

Color me curious, what might one of
my humorous quips sound like to you?

Oh, my God, I don't know yet.

Well, it's just that you and I have
very different comedic stylings, dear.

I take a slightly more cerebral approach.

Okay, you were the one
that described social media

as an amusement park
for clinical narcissists,

so I'm doing you a favor.

Very well. Let me see what you're typing.

"Big news coming soon, caw, caw!"

And a little yellow cartoon... winking.

[gasps] You know
what would be fun, Alexis?

Let's put a beak on that winking cartoon.

No, you can't do that.

-Let me handle this, please.
-[sighs]

-Okay, is it on? Can they see us?
-No, you just press "send."

Alexis, this is exciting!

We have our very own digital soapbox here!

It reminds me
of the Nickelodeon pilot I did

in which Ashley Tisdale and I
played suffragettes.

-You remember, "You Go, Girl."
-Mm-hmm.

-Have you pressed send yet?
-Send.

Okay, great. Now we just wait
three-and-a-half hours

until people are on their lunch break,

-and then we post again.
-Okay.

[gasps] Alexis, they're liking it!

We have five likes!
People are cawing back!

Oh, Alexis, I think you and I
might need to purchase antibiotics.

I believe we've just gone viral.

Ohhh! [chuckles]

'Kay.

[birds chirping]

A 20-minute drive to another motel.

Mr. Rose, what are we doing here?

Well, I brought you here, Stevie,
because...

-I think we should buy it.
-Uh...

Yeah, okay. I'm-- I'm not sure about that.

No surprise there, Johnny,

I told you she's not the visionary
you and I are.

Stevie, this is the inevitable next step
in building the Rosebud Empire.

Okay, but I think maybe
we should talk about it first

before we just jump
into building the empire.

Well, I know this must be
a little overwhelming right now,

but I thought it was better for you
to see the place yourself.

Roland, there are
a lot of cars here today.

I thought you set up a private showing.

I'm pretty sure I said private.

Okay, heads up,
this must be the agent. Smile.

Good morning.
Are you here for Benny Turkstra?

Uh, I spoke with somebody named Betty,

but I was mowing the lawn at the time,
so your guess is as good as mine.

Betty is Benny's wife. Please, follow me.

Huh, Betty and Benny?

[chuckles] What are they, puppets?

It's the Benny and Betty Show!

-Okay, Roland--
-[nonsense words]

I'm Betty. I'm Benny. I'm Betty!

[somber organ music plays]

Why do I get the feeling
this isn't an open house?

Maybe it's because of the coffin.

This is a funeral, Roland!

What exactly did the woman say to you?

She said the showing was at nine o'clock.

She may have said viewing.

What the hell, Roland?

Johnny, language, please!

A man is dead.

[pen clicking]

David, you know, your tea has been
just sitting here untouched

for about half an hour,

and you're probably gonna have to
drink something at some point.

I'm just not that thirsty.
I'm doing inventory.

Okay, you're making this so much more
of a thing than it needs to be.

-Am I?
-[bell over door jingles]

Buongiorno, boys!

[chuckles] Say hello
to all my new hashtag "frands."

It's a little word I assembled
to consecrate my fans,

who are also my friends.

Okay, "frands" doesn't sound nice.

To all of you asking what is this little
mercantile establishment

with the almost gallery-like austerity?

Well, it so happens
it's also owned by my son, David Rose.

-Say hi, David.
-Okay, I would rather not, thanks.

And his hashtag fiancé, Patrick.

I don't think you have to say hashtag
when you're just talking, Mrs. Rose.

Okay, what are you doing?
You look like the downfall of society.

Can you please turn that off
while you're in our store, please?

Very well.

Frands, please keep checking your phones

for more "Crow" related intel
by me, Moira Rose,

especially you, "Wine and Cat Gal 74."
I do hope you stop crying soon.

Caw! Caw! For now. [blows kiss]

Didn't realize you were on social media.

Only fleetingly.
And only because the network requested it.

That's nice.

Hm, it's noticeably cheerless
in here today.

If I didn't know better,

I would suspect
a little trouble in paradise.

David's just having a bit of a day.

Didn't get a lot of sleep last night.

Okay, I'm doing fine, thanks!

David, what's wrong?

[gasps] Your sleep apnea
hasn't returned, has it?

I thought that was remedied
when you got your new nose.

It was.

Is it night sweats?

You're not eating pepperettes
in bed again!

-No.
-Night terrors?

I don't wanna talk about it!

David, don't tell me
you've had a nighttime oopsie-daisy.

I'm sorry, a what?

I'm leaving.

Okay? And if I don't come back,
it's because of you.

Me?

Ooh, dear.

David's nocturnal enuresis
used to only happen

when he went to bed all juiced up
with excited anticipation about something.

Christmas, birthdays, the Ides of March.

And now it seems your impending nuptials
has opened the floodgates.

Oh! Why am I oddly flattered?

I can't imagine.

Hmm.

Well, I hate to point this out, Mr. Rose,

but if you weren't in such a rush
to see this place,

we wouldn't be at a funeral.

No, it's what happens
when you leave anything up to Roland.

We just have to find a window
where we can leave

without anybody seeing us.

Because the last thing we want to do
is offend the woman

that's selling us this place.

Well, assuming we're actually buying it.

You know what they say,
you can tell the quality of a motel

by the food they serve
at the owner's funeral.

We're not even supposed
to be here, Roland.

Can you put the plate-- Is that egg salad?

[Betty] Johnny, is it?

Yes, yes, it is.

Mrs. Turkstra, this is Johnny Rose.

I-- I'm sorry, I don't believe we've met.
Um, how did you know my Benny?

Johnny...

Yes, well, we were, uh, friends, I mean...

acquaintances, I would say--

-From the bowling league.
-Uh, you mean curling?

Did you curl with my Benny?

I-- You know, more important,
I think we just wanted to come by

-and pay our respects.
-Mm-hmm.

Because this must be so difficult for you,
dealing with your loss,

and, uh, selling the motel.

I'm sorry, I'm still trying to place you.

I-- I don't remember seeing you
at Benny's last bonspiel.

Well, that's because Johnny here, um,

had another bonspiel to go to,
and unfortunately,

that bonspiel was way more important
than Benny's bonspiel, so we...

-Well, Ro-- Roland that--
-...we had to go to that bonspiel.

No, no, no, that was-- I would've been--

I think I know why you're here.

It might be more appropriate
to have this conversation outside.

Since I wasn't in the curling league,
can I go home?

No. No.

Say Havarti, girls!

[camera clicks]

Oh, no! [laughs]
Well, you can't win them all.

Wow, someone's
in a surprisingly good mood,

considering they're 15 minutes late.

-Blame my new Internet frands.
-What'd she just say?

Oh, I was dragooned into taking over
the Interflix social media channels today,

and apparently I'm quite proficient at it.

I thought you hated social media.

What did you call it, a, um,
a cauldron of self-absorption.

You have
an almost unsettling memory, Twyla.

Now just a quick snap for my friend,

"Wine and Cat Gal 74," and her frands
at the rehabilitation facility.

Fine, but nothing gets posted
without my written approval.

[camera clicks]

Oh, Alexis, wonderful!
I was just about to post.

Will you please do a selfie
of me and my Jazzigals?

Um, actually,
may I speak with you for a moment?

If Interflix is asking
if I'll extend my takeover,

my answer is, I'll think about it.

-[girls titter]
-Mm, actually,

I think we might wanna discuss
this matter privately.

Okay, two minutes, gals?

In the meantime, if you'd like to follow
the Interflix channels...

Oh, no, that won't be necessary.

Okay, who taught you how to livestream?

A wonderful teen named CherryBus.

She lives in Singapore.
Why? Who wants to know?

Okay, well, did she teach you
how to turn it off?

Because you just posted
your entire conversation

with David and Patrick!

No, I distinctly remember
putting down the phone.

But you didn't stop recording.

So people basically got, like,
a whole podcast

about how David's wetting the bed again.

If I wasn't your publicist,

I would be enjoying the situation
a lot more than I am.

Which is still, like, quite a lot.

Oh, dear.

Fortunately, David doesn't subscribe
to social media, so we--

we just need to take it down,
and David will be none the wiser.

Okay.

Hey, Moira, you weren't lying!
You do have a knack for this.

What are we looking at?

Okay, um, no need to watch that.

Okay, Twyla,
if you haven't seen it already,

then maybe just once, but that is it!

[online video plays]

Now, I-- I'd like to start
from the beginning.

Mrs. Turkstra, we-- we were just--

-I was speaking.
-Yes, you were.

It's becoming very clear that you people
didn't know my husband at all.

Well, now, when you say "know," uh--

-Am I still talking?
-Yes, you were, ma'am.

I can't say I wasn't expecting you.

I just didn't think
you'd show up at the funeral!

I'm aware that my husband was not perfect.

I told him that poker ring was risky,

and I know there were
some shady business dealings

that went on behind closed doors,
but I had nothing to do with it!

I'm sorry?

Well, you're the federal agents
I was warned about.

No need to keep up the act.
Her face has "fed" written all over it.

-Thanks.
-Mrs. Turkstra, we're not feds.

No, there seems to have been
some crossed wires here.

No, we thought we were coming out
to look at the property.

We're from Rosebud Motel.

Maureen Bud's old place?

That would be the one.
Uh, Aunt Maureen is... was my aunt.

Oh, for heaven's sakes!

Benny and I used to play bingo
with Maureen.

[laughs] What a small world!

Johnny and I used to play bingo
with Maureen, right after curling.

Roland.

Well, it would be a relief
to sell this place to someone we know.

Uh, well, we're not sure yet.

But we can touch base again next week,

and again,
you have our deepest condolences.

Well, now that you're here,
why don't you come on in

-and pay your respects to Benny?
-Oh...

Considering you may be
taking over his home.

Yes, yes, yes. Well, sure.
We can come in and pay our respects.

Too bad it's not an open casket.

I would've loved to say goodbye
to old Benny's face.

We'd be happy to open it for you.

No, no, closed-- closed is fine.

-Closed.
-Sure.

[music plays on radio]

[gasps] Oh, look, Alexis, Patrick's here.

Yep, you asked me to meet you here.

-Mm.
-So what-- what's goin' on?

And David is bewitching himself elsewhere?

Yeah, he is, uh, dusting the shelves,
even though I cleaned them last week,

but hey, whatever it takes
to get him through this.

Priority number one,
get David through this!

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm!

Quick "Q," um,
has David taken your phone or anything,

or, like, looked at anyone else's phone?

No.

Sorry, somebody wanna tell me
what's goin' on?

Okay, okay... So, no biggie,
but my mom may have accidentally posted

your little conversation from this morning
over social media.

The-- The one about...

The oopsie-daisy. Yes.

But don't worry, I am involved now,
and I will be taking it down.

It's still up?

And generating a lot of traction.

But yes, it's been, uh-- We're taking it--

It's being taken down right now.

So how... how did this happen?

Right. I was strong-armed
into participating in social marketing,

and a dear friend of mine from Singapore,
Miss CherryBus,

suggested I try my hand
at creating a living stream.

Okay, she doesn't know what she's doing,
and didn't know that it was recording.

Okay, look, David can never, ever
find out about this.

I am actually afraid
that he will never sleep again.

Precisely why we're involving you
in this covert stratagem.

So all we need to do is keep David
off the Internet for, like, 24 hours,

or until a celebrity says something wrong,
which could be any minute.

Okay, I think I can handle that.

Wonderful! Crisis averted. Hmm!

Yeah, so you still haven't
taken the post down.

-I'm doing that now.
-Cool.

So I'll just sit here until that happens.

-It's kind of cute, though.
-Alexis.

Yes.

-Let's take it down.
-Mm-hmm.

[insects buzz]

Oh, Stevie.

Listen, I owe you an apology for today.

You know, the way I rushed you
into that thing.

On the plus side, we did make
that personal connection,

and I think we might be able
to get a better deal than I had thought.

Okay, "we"?

Unless you have a better idea,

I know you wanted to talk this out,
so, uh, I'm all ears.

Mr. Rose, what I've been trying
to talk to you about

is more than just the new motel.

Oh. Well...

what is it, Stevie?

I don't think I'm ready to...

commit to this business, like...

as a whole.

Oh.

Well, that is a bigger conversation,
isn't it?

It's just, doing "Cabaret" made me feel
like I should push myself,

and so I just wondered...

you know, maybe there's something more
out there for me.

Well, what are you saying, you want out?

No! Uh, I don't know, I just...

I feel like I'd regret it if I didn't
at least try to see what's out there.

Well, if that's what you feel,
you need to push yourself, Stevie.

I, uh, certainly am not gonna
stand in your way.

Same reason I left the button factory
when I was a young man.

That, and the fact that working conditions

weren't exactly safe
for a ten-year-old, but...

That being said, I'm not going to pretend
that I don't hope you'll come back.

Either way, I hope you find
what you're looking for.

Mr. Rose...

thank you.

Okay, you know what? I think...

I should just head home early
and think about it.

Yeah... or you can think about it
as you finish your shift?

That's fair.

I'm gonna miss that enthusiasm.

[groans]

[crickets chirp]

I'm so glad you decided to stay.

Well, there's literally
no liquid left in my body, so...

[laughs]

-[mattress crinkles]
-Oh!

-Yeah.
-Forgot about this.

-Taking that off first thing tomorrow.
-Huh!

[exhales]

I wonder how long my mom lasted
on the Internets.

Not long, I don't think.

You know, you were smart
to get off of there.

Mm-hmm. I was curious to see
what kinds of things

she was posting
throughout the day, though.

-Yeah, nothing of note.
-Hmm.

Um, yeah, she really didn't know
how to use it, so...

-Mm-hmm.
-Hey, let's talk about something else.

Sure, um...

what's the thread count on this plastic?

Okay, would it help if I were to share

something private
and embarrassing with you?

I might be too tired for that tonight.

Ha-ha!

If we're gonna be married,
I just think it's important

that we be as open and honest
with each other as we possibly can.

What is this sexy thing?

Okay, I only put this in
when you're not around.

-It's my mouthguard.
-Oh.

Well, there's nothing
really embarrassing about that.

Also, you look very beautiful.

Aw, thank you.

[David clears throat]

How about...

now?

My God!

This is my nose thing,
and it just helps me breathe better.

I have never been more attracted to you.

Mm, same.

-[David laughs]
-[cell phone chimes]

Ooh!

Ronnie's texting me a link to something?

Okay, put it away, David. It's bedtime.