All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S06E01.WEB-DL.NF.en

[frustrated grunts]

Are you sure
you don't want any help with that?

I fit my high-school best friend
into a suitcase way smaller than this

when we were crossing the border
between Laos and Vietnam,

so I'm pretty sure I can figure this out.

Ooh, I can't wait
to get to the Galapagos and, like,

-breathe the sea air and get my--
-Beach curls back.

Yeah, you've mentioned that
a couple times.

-Are you still trying to close that thing?
-[grunts]

Boys, it looks like I won't be able to see
that wedding venue with you today.

Your mother's had a bit of a relapse.

Take it the "Crows" movie
is still shelved.

I'm sorry, we've started looking
at wedding venues

and no one chose to tell me?

Touring a wedding venue
is an incredibly intimate thing

and we wanted to keep it small.

You invited Dad.

Okay, I don't know what
that's supposed to mean, Alexis.

[Moira] John, something's happening!

Coming, Moira.
Don't make any sudden moves.

Okay, you should probably stay here.

-No, you shouldn't--
-Okay.

[rattling]

John, remind me to reprimand that latch.
It's been awfully moody today.

Well, good-- good morning, sweetheart.
Look who's come to see you.

Finally.

I'll have the continental breakfast
with the fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice.

-[John chuckles]
-Orange pekoe tea.

No, Moira, Moira,
it's-- it's David and Patrick.

Um...

-Don't we have something we want to say?
-Yes, thank you, John.

Sadly, I won't be able to squire you
for today's wedding venue peregrination.

You invited Mom?

She's literally been asleep
in a closet for a week.

Just know that missing this
will be the heavy-hearted part of my day.

Okay, does nobody care
that I'm going to be gone for six months?

Yes, of course we care, honey.

-Don't we, Moira?
-Take me with you.

Okay. On that note,
I think we should get you out of the room.

Alexis, you are more than welcome
to come see the place with us.

Thank you.

That actually works out super well for me

because you guys can just drive me
straight to the airport after.

Mm, mm, mm.

-See what you've done there?
-Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Out. Out, out, out.

[theme music playing]

[fire alarm beeping]

John! Can you turn off your alarm?

[groans] David! I've asked you
not to overindulge in that smoky cologne.

It's enough to give someone a seizure!

[coughing]

Is someone vaping?

-[doors rattle]
-Oh, no, not now!

Help! Alexis!

No, this is not-- this is not how I go!

Somebody help!

[coughing] Moira!

Oh, Stevie, thank God.

I'm being annulled by a chancy door clasp!

Okay, hang on.

-Ahhh!
-Okay, all right, all right, okay.

Up, up. There we go.

Jeez, Moira, I wait 'til at least 10:30
before I have my first beer.

Oh, my legs are in slumber. Carry me.

Oh, I can't-- Oh, jeez, okay. Hang on.

[grunts]

You know, Moira,
if Johnny locked you in that closet,

we're going to have to call the police.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. My babies--

-No, your kids aren't here.
-My girls.

-What girls?
-My girls.

-Lorna, second from the left.
-Okay.

If she takes on smoke,
she'll never recover.

-Okay, this? This one?
-And Cindy!

Cindy, below her.
Cindy, I just gave her a blowout.

Wow. This place looks nice.

Yeah, it's the only venue for miles
that doesn't look like a crime scene

from a missing person docu-series.

Uh, so no one thought to tell me
I still have my show makeup on?

I thought that was a choice.

Yeah, I left Stevie double-fisting drinks
in a hot tub

at the cabaret wrap party last night.

I think I saw you
triple-fisting at one point.

[gasps]

Ah, welcome to Elmbridge Manor,
and you must be the happy couple.

-Oh, no, not quite.
-God, no.

Oh, ladies, I'm so sorry.
Congratulations. Champagne?

-Oh, thank you so much.
-Thank you.

Mm-hmm, hi. [laughs]

David Rose. I'm the one getting married
and this is my partner, Patrick.

-Hi.
-So...

Gentlemen, please forgive me.
I looked at your friend's face

and thought someone had just come
from her makeup trial.

Now, if our grooms and the, uh,
other couple would like to follow me,

-I will begin our tour.
-Wonderful.

You look great.

[birds chirping]

All of our catering is provided
by the neighboring farm.

We have fresh cheeses, breads, meats.

Oh, now I do apologize

if the peonies back there
were a little overwhelming.

It rained last night
and they just bloomed.

It's perfect.

David, I know you've made me relinquish

most, if not all of the wedding planning
to you at this point,

but for what it's worth,
this place is beautiful.

-I think this is it.
-Mm-hmm.

I think this is it, guys!

See, David?
Imagine if I wasn't here for this moment.

Mm-hmm, okay. Glad you're here.

So, do we have a winner?

If you're happy, I'm happy.

We have a winner, Clive!

-Yes!
-[all laugh]

It's a hell of a story, Johnny.

So I'm next door,
I'm cleaning the bathroom

and I want a snack.

So I grab
some of those Jail Time toaster pops

and I put them in the toaster,

-and suddenly there's a fire.
-Oh, Roland.

Why do they call them toaster pops
if it says on the box, "Do not toast"?

How mercurial is life?

We all imagine
being carried from the ashes

by the Goddess Artemis

and here I get a balatron
from Barnum and Bailey. [laughs]

Okay, I-- I have no idea what that means,
but it doesn't sound good.

Okay, I'm gonna go to lunch.

Gotta get this burnt toaster pop taste
out of my mouth.

Excuse me.

-Moira, I'm just glad you're okay.
-Hm.

And first thing in the morning,
I'm going in and I'm fixing these latches.

No need, John.

I have been gifted a smoke signal

and you will never again find me
back in the closet.

Well, why don't we take this
one step at a time?

This may come as a shock
to you, dear, but...

I don't believe my career
has been that kind to me.

-What?
-I all but perished

in the name of an unrequited love

for an industry that has burned me
over and over again.

It's been difficult watching you
go through this, Moira.

I know you'll want to fight me
tooth-and-nail, John, but...

it's time my career took its final bow.

Now, if-- if--
if that's what you want, Moira,

just know that I'm here
if you need me for anything.

Oh, I have never needed less.

Shall we take lunch outside today?

-What a great idea.
-Lay a blanket somewhere!

If you're feeling up for it. I mean,
I-- I know you're still a bit shaken.

That's just it, John,
I have never felt more lucid.

I'll fix a basket.

And I am including
that Peruvian ayahuasca retreat

we embarked upon with Al and Tipper.

Okay.

[exhales]

[classical music plays]

-Okay, smiles over here, please.
-[camera clicks]

Ted wants to know what we're doing.

Okay, like, a little bit less eager
and maybe one without Stevie. No offense.

All right. Alexis,
could you put the phone down?

You're gonna be spending
six months with Ted.

I think the two of you
can chill for a minute.

Okay, this is our pricing guide.

Starting with our gold, silver,
and bronze packages.

But, as you'll see,

we can really accommodate
almost any request.

-Are these in dollars?
-[chuckles]

Okay, um... is there a package
lower than the bronze package?

Perhaps a copper package?

[laughs] No, we can't accommodate that.

Did you not ask to see
the prices in advance?

-They don't provide--
-We don't provide pricing in advance.

Well, now we know why.

This might be the worst day of my life.

Okay, look.

Uh, you're clearly very desperate
and I'm feeling terribly for you.

I don't love the way you phrase that.

Now, we did just have a cancellation
earlier in the week

for a Sunday afternoon.

-Sundays are good.
-We can work with that.

Now, the first Sunday of every month
is discounted already

and we're unlikely to find someone else
this late in the game.

So, I would be happy to offer you
an additional 30% off.

Oh, my God!

Yes, but the only problem is,
it's a month from today.

This is basically free!

David, that's not enough time.
We need to give people notice.

Uh, I planned
my ex-girlfriend's intervention

in less than an hour.

Plus, it'll weed out all the dead weight.

Um... I will not be here in one month,
so I guess that makes me the dead weight?

I'm feeling a little tension.

We're gonna find another venue, okay?
We can't get married without Alexis.

Why? She's the one that can't wait
to get out of here.

I once dated someone
who left me for a stuffed animal.

-I'm not having my big day--
-Our.

Our big day compromised

because Alexis wanted to chill
in a tankini for six months.

-[scoffs]
-[exhales]

Honestly, David, if this is
the kind of bride you're going to be,

I'm glad that I'm leaving.

Wha--

And I would never wear a tankini!

Uh, just so you're aware,

that is house-made bacon
from the farm up the road.

-Oh, give me this.
-Can... Is that for everyone?

-Oh, Please, please.
-Oh, my God.

[door opens]

Okay! God.

Well, I guess congratulations
are in order.

We didn't end up taking the venue.

Really? What stopped you?

Did they, like,
run out of sandwiches or...?

Uh, yes. But that's not why.

We don't want to get married
without you here, okay?

-And?
-And, David?

And I didn't mean to make you feel
excluded from the day.

Then again, when all you talk about
is how excited you are to get out of here,

I don't really feel like
including you in stuff.

David, just say you're sorry

so we can get your sister
to the airport, okay?

-Nevertheless...
-Mm-hmm.

...I might have overreacted

-and for that, I am apologetic.
-Wow.

-[engine sputtering]
-So, you're sorry.

I knew there was a reason
I came on this trip.

-My God.
-[engine sputtering]

I am remorseful over an action
I participated in.

-Damn it!
-What is going on?

-Car won't start.
-What?

Well, I can't be late for my flight!

Okay, well, why don't you go inside
and ask Clive for help, then?

Because my feet are killing me, David.

-Oh, my God!
-Why don't we go inside

and see if there's anything
Clive can do, okay?

Why do I feel like
Clive doesn't handle stress well?

Come on.

This might be a stupid question,

but why are you wearing high heels
on an airplane?

Oh, I'm not wearing them on the plane,
they hand out slippers with the mimosas.

When was the last time you flew economy?

Hmm?

[birds chirping]

Hard to believe this is our first trip
down to the creek.

You know, Moira, after the week we've had,
this is the perfect way to end it.

To think I nearly made you a widower.

Oh, John, I can just see you
aimlessly wandering through life.

Stoic but stymied,

not a friend in the world
and so very lost.

Well, you're here now, Moira, and so am I.

And, with your career behind you,

we'll be able to take advantage
of more days like this.

Does this not remind you
of that wellness retreat

we went to in Evian,

right after Alexis ended things
with Sean Penn?

Yes. You and I wandered down to the lake,
nary a person to be found,

bid adieu to our clothing

and let the cool sting
of the mineral water

remind us that we were, in fact,
alive and well.

I lost my Patek Philippe in that lake,
but I wouldn't have had it any other way.

We seem to have found ourselves
alone again, Mr. Rose.

-Moira, that was 15 years ago!
-Mm-hmm?

What if someone sees us?

Who knows what will befall us
tomorrow, John?

You could be hit by a Mack Truck,

or bopped on the head
by a tiny piece of space debris!

I don't know, it feels risky.

Let me just attend to one thing first.

Moira, whatever it is can wait.

No, no. Before we re-baptize ourselves,

I'm going to call my agent
and make it official.

Moira Rose is tech un-avail,
she has a life to live.

I'm proud of you, sweetheart.

You just remove those vetements, Mr. Rose,

I'll be back
in the shake of a lamb's rump.

As soon as I find a signal.

Ugh!

Like...

[exhales]

-What's going on over there?
-I'm trying to check in!

If we're going to be late,

I'm at least going to do everything I can
to not miss my flight,

because I have never needed
a vacation more.

Yeah, this?

I think this is what might be
bothering your brother.

Okay, I get it,
my life is an inconvenience.

That, um, or the fact that
you've been talking nonstop

about how desperate you are
to get out of here?

I think it might be hurting his feelings.

Okay. I'm moving to a place
that doesn't have a Sephora

for literally 2,700 miles,

so I'm sorry
if I'm trying to convince myself

that I'm doing the right thing.

I might still be a bit boozy...

-Yes, I can confirm that.
-...but...

I've actually been jealous of your trip.

Like, you're getting out there,
seeing the world.

And now that Cabaret's over,

I feel like I might need
to be doing more of that.

I just wish I had your...

What's going on?

Because I think I might be
in the middle of giving you

a compliment for the first time, so...

Yes, and I am super touched,

it's just that I'm having trouble
getting my boarding pass.

Like, do they not let people in economy
check in for the flight?

Can I see your phone?

Okay. Um, think I've found the problem.

Your flight's not leaving
for another month.

What? Give me that!

No, it says right here, 0-7-0-8.

Yeah, but it's day before month,
so you're not leaving on July 8th,

-you're leaving on August 7th.
-What?

Ugh, and my stupid ticket
doesn't allow for any changes.

Ugh! What am I supposed to do?

Well, maybe you could start
by telling David

that you messed up
and he can book the venue after all!

Okay, I would literally rather sleep
at the airport for a month.

Yeah.

Can you hear me now?

No, I'm not blocking the microphone
with my finger anymore!

Okay, no, I was. Now? Yes?

Oh, well, what would the back end
look like on a deal like that?

Oh, I see, what an emphatically
kismetic turn of events.

Oh, John's here now.
Okay, talk soon. Kisses!

Jonathan, have we found ourselves
a new friend?

-Hmm.
-Hello, ma'am, I'm Officer Cornwall.

I was off duty when I came across this man
in a state of undress, down by the creek.

He claims to be your husband?

Last I checked,
a decades-long successful marriage

is not a criminal offense.

No, no, it is not.

However, indecent exposure certainly is.

I found your husband
sunning himself in the creek,

like he was in some Grecian bath.

No, I don't think we need to editorialize.

John, I'm so sorry,

I was engrossed
in a very stirring phone call.

Officer, perhaps we could arrange
a plea bargain?

Well, since I wasn't supposed to be
fly fishing at this end of the creek...

I think we can leave it at a warning.

Oh, thank you, Officer,

for your almost militant commitment
to the protection of our community.

I promise to keep my husband
habilimented from now on.

John, you won't believe what's happened!

What happened was, you left me alone,
struggling to get out of a creek!

The algae was so slippery,
the cop had to throw me his fishing line.

Well, button back up
your birthday tux, John,

because I've just found out
the "Crows" movie is back in business!

-What?
-Yes!

Apparently it's been picked up
by Interflix,

a brand-new streaming service.

Can you believe that?

Moira, you were just saying
what a relief it was

to have the ups and downs of your career
behind you, and--

I know, right? How serendipitous is this?

At the precise moment
I choose to walk away,

the industry comes crawling back to me
on all fours.

I just worry about the next time
it's not great news.

A new day has dawned.

It took my accepting
that I could quit at anytime

to realize I mustn't, John, ever.

If this is what you really want,
then I'm...

-I'm happy for you.
-Thank you, John.

It appears Officer Fly Fish
has taken his leave.

How about that dip?

Oh, I think the moment has passed.

[door opens]

Okay, roadside assistance
isn't gonna be here for the next hour,

so we're going to call you a cab.

And Clive didn't have jumper cables
because he doesn't drive

because he's scared of car horns.

Okay, um, David?

I also have something that
I would like to say to you as well.

Okay?

I am sorry also,
for rubbing my trip in your face.

The truth is,
is that I'm really gonna miss you.

Thank you.

I'm going to miss you, as well.

And I just feel so bad about
standing in the way of your dream wedding.

-Oh...
-But maybe I should just, like,

-push my trip back by a month.
-Wow.

Okay. I am not having you
push your trip back.

No, I insist.

What's going on?

Nothing, David,
just accept your wedding gift.

-Patrick, call a cab, please.
-'Kay.

Okay, no, don't call a cab! Ugh.

-My flight got delayed.
-Delayed by a month?

-This is like watching a car crash.
-Ugh.

You mixed up the day and the month
on your ticket again, didn't you?

No! I... No.

Like that time you showed up
to Kate Winslet's wedding a month late.

The calligraphy was hard to read

and Billy Zane also did
the same thing, David.

Unbelievable.

Okay, well, the upside is that you guys
can now take the place,

so actually, you're welcome.

She's right, David.

We could go back and talk to Clive.

Do we go back and talk to Clive?

-[shrill squealing]
-Ew.

-Oh, my God.
-What is that?

It's like a thousand babies teething.

Didn't he say
there was a farm up the road?

Uh, that is correct.

They process their pork
on the first Sunday of every month,

hence our discounted rates.

Did I hear that the wedding was back on?

Hey. This is not a winner, Clive.

Okay. I can't stop hearing it!

It sounded like a thousand guinea pigs
were being shoved into a wood chipper.

-Pork chops?
-Oh, no, thank you.

I'll have mine later, thanks.

Well, it sounds to me like you two dodged
a bacon-wrapped bullet.

I'll say it again:
life is but a strand of happy accidents.

You've never said that before.

It's such great news
about the film, Mrs. Rose.

Interflix is huge.

Oh, wait 'til our movie drops.

So, I just talked to Ted.

He's devastated, obviously,

but he did say that
it's probably for the best

because he still hasn't
lizard-proofed his place

and I have absolutely no desire
to be there until that happens.

You see?
Further proof that life is but a--

-Okay. We get it.
-...strand.

Well, I, for one, am happy to have you
for another month, Alexis.

-[Alexis] Thank you.
-Hey, what if we got married here?

What if we got married
under a highway overpass?

I'm serious.
This place means something to you guys.

Put a tent in the back,
string up some lights.

You could make it beautiful.

-I'll think about it.
-Okay.

Oh, in other news:

your father was arrested
for indecent exposure.

-Ew, I'm eating!
-Moira.

Okay. There's no backing out now!
[chuckles]