Original subtitles

I don't know why I'm feeling this, like, deep, aching sense of dread.

David, I'm more than capable of looking after your store

while you and Stevie work the flea market.

Why did Patrick have to book today of all days for his tax seminar?

Like, who voluntarily goes to a tax seminar?

Maybe the kinds of people who want to keep their businesses?

Okay, hi.

You are literally only here to receive a package.

So I cannot have you distracted on your phone.

Unless there's an emergency, and then immediately call--

Call Patrick. I know!

No! Patrick is at the tax seminar!

Are you hearing anything I'm saying?!

Yes. Stay off your phone.

Wait for the delivery man to drop off whatever. You can trust me.

Okay, can I? 'Cause the last time I left you in charge of something--

Ugh! If this is about those stupid Tamagotchis...

-Actually, it is. -Okay, guys--

You left me with six of them, David.

Taking care of that many is like a full-time job!

I left you with six adult Tamagotchis in perfect health!

And by the time I came home, they were all dead.

You have to, like, actively murder them in order for that to happen!

Okay, David, um, as much as I love carrying out all these boxes by myself,

I think she's going to be okay, so maybe you could give me a hand?

How did David con you into this anyway?

It gives me an excuse to take a break from rehearsals with your mom for a day.

Um, last night she texted me at 3:00 a.m. and all it said was "leggings."

-Hmm... -We have to go.

Um, you're welcome, by the way, David.

Who knows, maybe after today

you'll finally stop talking about your little Tamagotchi.

Unlikely... Murderer.

[door closes]

Unfortunately for everyone, John, Stevie turned out to be quite the find.

She'll need a lot of direction, obviously, but...

you know, a ballet intensive, perhaps some mittens to curb the nail-biting.

Moira, I love the way you pour yourself into your projects.

But the whole point of this spa trip was to take a breather from Cabaret.

Yes John. I promise to enjoy the 60 minutes I'll spend

having my deepest tissues palpated.

Then a few sips of cucumber water.

Factor in five minutes for you to use the facilities

and we'll be back home by noon.

And we're not rushing through this, Moira.

We've got an entire day of treatments ahead of us.

Today is for slowing down and getting reacquainted with our bodies.

Okay, just please give me a moment to make a decision on this chaise lounge.

Oh, put the phone down, Moira.

Whatever it is can wait.

It's for Fräulein Schneider's Salon.

Do you prefer the olive suede or the merlot?

Similar texture, but poles apart in emotional complexity.

I can't look right now, Moira. I'm driving.

All right. I'll hold it up for you.

No, Moira, I can't right now.

It's just a quick glance, John!

All right, then you need to hold it straighter.

-[thud] -Uh-oh, what was that?

A tiny speed bump.

Speed bump? We're in the middle of nowhere.

Why would there be a speed bump? No, I think I hit an animal.

Oh, it's the circle of life, John.

You've just provided a nice Passover seder for a family of hawks.

No... ew...

[door shuts]

John, don't get too close, dear. We can't afford you contracting mange.

It's a cat, Moira. I hit a cat!

Well, what kind of ailurophobe sends their kitty out to play

on such a busy stretch of highway?

It's got a collar! This is someone's pet.

[sighs]

There's a farmhouse right there, probably belongs to them.

Or not.

Okay, so this is really good, we just need everything facing forward.

Facing forward.

Facing forward. See what I'm doing here?

[Stevie] Okay, like a serial killer?

-David Rose! [chuckles] -Oh, God!

Would you look at that?

If this isn't a full-circle moment, then I'm not twice divorced.

My God, Wendy!

[gasps] This must be your wife.

-No. No, no. -God, no.

Wendy, this is my friend, Stevie.

Stevie, this is Wendy.

Wendy used to employ me at the Blouse Barn.

I'm so sorry, I don't mean to jump to conclusions.

I guess I've got marriage on the brain again.

If you can believe it, I'm engaged!

-Hmm, wow. -Congratulations.

Well, you know what they say about love.

It's like target practice.

If you just keep shooting at it...

Anyway, David, I was hoping you would have settled down by now!

Oh, I actually own this business with my partner.

-Get outta town! -I know, I am as shocked as you are.

Well, I guess that makes us flea buddies.

I've got my own booth.

Wow, so we're reopening the Blouse Barn?

Oh, no, no, no, just test-driving a new business idea,

brought to me by my new partner, Antonio.

Antonio!

What are you doing?

Come over here so I can show you off!

Hey.

Well, Antonio, say hi to everyone.

-[softly] Hi. -You look very familiar.

Have I seen you in my store before?

I don't think so.

Okay.

He seems sweet.

He reminds me a lot of you.

Well, isn't that a compliment. For him.

I better get back and help Tony set up the booth.

It was such a treat seeing you, David!

And you, Karen!

-[silent] -Karen's a new one.

I have definitely seen that guy in my store before.

Do you think that Wendy knows her fiancé has been checking out every guy in here?

She has the worst taste in men.

At one point, she told me she was looking for a Jon Gosselin type.

Sorry, we're closed.

Very funny.

Ugh, I was hoping you were the delivery guy.

-Thanks. -No, I'm just, like, so bored.

Well, I am not the delivery guy, but I come bearing gifts.

[suggestively] But I didn't pay for that.

I know, I got it at the flea market.

Mmm. Thank you for the delivery.

Do you need my signature?

Oops.

Oh, wow!

[both giggling]

Uh, miss, seems that the strap has fallen off of your shoulder.

I'd offer to put it back for you, but as a delivery guy,

I don't know if it's my place.

Oh, how respectful.

Now, if only you had that much respect for my time.

I've been waiting here forever.

Um, sorry that I'm late...

My...

grandmother passed this morning.

Ew! Oh, my God, Ted!

Sorry, I wasn't prepared for an improv.

No, it's fine, it's fine. [clears throat]

Okay, what else weren't you prepared for?

-The... import taxes? -Hmm...

Okay, I'm not good at this. Can we just skip to the good part?

Yes. Okay. [giggling]

So, you and I just innocently witnessed an 18-wheeler barreling down--

Moira, I'm just gonna be honest, all right?

There was an accident, it was tragic, unavoidable,

and then we'll be on our way.

Mm-kay.

[door opens]

Can I help you?

Wha... Beautiful day, isn't it?

-Crops need rain. -Yes, yes.

Oh, as they often do.

Um... well, we just had an unfortunate thing--

My husband struck down your feline with our car.

Well, we don't necessarily know

whether the cat belongs to this, uh, gentleman.

Well, what did it look like?

The name on the tags was "Sergio"?

Well, that was him.

Oh, these city people driving too damn fast up and down this road.

No, I don't think speed was the thing here.

No, my husband has what's called a feather foot.

Well, then, why did you stop?

We thought it was... the decent thing to do.

Um, now that's done, and we have a very pressing engagement, so...

Well, my wife is so right, we're running very late right now.

The hammam spas are notoriously fickle about refunds.

You're going to the spa?

Well, that does sound important,

but since you just killed my daughter's cat,

coming inside to break the news to her might be a little bit more important.

Don't you think?

Hm, John, shall I pick you up on the way back?

I know how desperate you were for me to have my day of detox.

No! No, Moira!

I think it's better if you... come inside with me

so we can, uh, break the news together.

[David] Okay, this is the last of them,

unless you wanted me to bring in the 14 coffee cups

and three empty chip bags that are also in your back seat?

Mmm-hmm. David, remember when you thought Wendy's partner

had been in your store before?

He has been in my store before.

Well, I think I know why he wasn't being so up front about it.

I know what you're gonna say, and I also thought he was into me for a second,

but I'm pretty sure that's just his face.

No. Look over at their booth,

and tell me you don't notice any similarities.

-What the actual fuck?! -I know.

They've ripped off our entire store.

-Yeah. -Tulips instead of roses? Woof!

Similar products. The labels even look like ours.

Except their stuff's half price.

What?

Well, we have a very loyal customer base

who would not be fooled by some skanky knockoff.

Okay, Dave, I'm ready to check out here.

Roland! What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at the motel!

I'm on my coffee break, and I ran out of foot cream.

-Those are three for 15, yes? -These are not from our store.

What are you talking about? I just got 'em off your table over there.

That's not our table.

Well, then, why were you standing there?

That's not me! And he's still standing there!

Okay, do you want the sale, or not?

Uh, no, you can buy our superior foot cream at a slightly higher price.

Jeez. You were a lot nicer when I was talking to you over there.

[rooster crows]

[whispers] How far do you think we'd get if we just started running?

When might we expect your daughter to show up?

Because we do have a very busy day ahead of us. [laughs nervously]

Well, Baby's still sleeping, but if you wanna go and wake her up,

tell her what happened, by all means.

Where is "Bebe's" chamber?

[footsteps creak]

Oh, there she is now.

She's either up, or takin' a leak.

Either way, great progress for "Bebe."

Here she is.

What's all this? Who are you?

Uh, hi, Johnny Rose, Baby.

-This is my-- -Sergio's dead!

[soft groan]

What the hell?

Yes, it seems he had taken ill, and stumbled out on the road, poor thing,

presumably to end it all.

And then?

And then we ran over him.

[Baby sighs]

[sobbing]

Anyway, this feels like a very private family moment...

-[sobbing] -...that we're more than willing to share.

[sobbing continues]

That's for you.

Clearly, that brand loyalty you were talking about is really paying off.

I'd like to pay you off to not be here anymore.

Roland, what are you still doing here?

This will only take a second.

Dave, I don't know if you remember or not,

but I purchased some foot cream from you earlier?

That wasn't our foot cream.

Yeah, okay, well, you took my 15 bucks, and now I'd like a refund,

because I realized I've used this stuff before,

and it makes my feet stink.

Give me that.

[sniffs] Ugh!

It smells like pennies and burps!

Oh, yeah! Wait, that smells exactly like the stuff

we used to use at the motel.

-Ugh. -Like, exactly.

Wait a second...

[scoffs]

[gasps]

That's why!

Gel Time Moist Liquid.

-[scoffs] -"Contains 100% moist liquid."

Uh-oh, Davey got busted!

-Okay, this is not our product, Roland! -Mmm.

Anyone who sells counterfeit luxury beauty products

is clearly a sociopath.

Dave, I don't wanna tell you how to run your business,

but three or 15 dollars for Gel Time is a total rip-off.

I mean, pharmacies hand those out for free on Halloween.

David, you have to talk to Wendy.

[David] Okay, what am I gonna tell her?

That her curious life partner, who looks nothing like me,

is some big old con artist?

[laughs]

$18 for toner?

Oh! Why don't you just put on some Gel Time?

That stuff will strip your skin right off.

[sniffs] Ugh!

Whoa! That was...

I know, like, we are good, but that was like--

You pulled some new tricks out.

New to you.

Anyway, David should leave you in charge of the store more often.

Um... Ted, the door was unlocked the entire time!

What?

Someone could've like, walked in on us.

They would've gotten quite the show!

It's very... irresponsible and dangerous of us.

Well, now we know for next time.

Oh, um, I almost forgot, I never signed for that parcel.

Uh, I don't think the guy showed up.

No, Ted...

Oh, uh... Oh, yeah, I'd get your signature,

but I guess I left my clipboard and scanner thing somewhere, so...

Do you think it might be in David's new bathroom?

Apparently, it's just for customers, but he never lets anyone use it.

I remember now, I definitely left my scanner thing in there.

Mmm... let's go find your scanner thing.

Can I just request we actually drop the scanner-thing bit?

-Just 'cause it's kinda throwing me off. -Yeah, okay.

Oh, this is nice!

Uh-oh! Is that a sink?

Oh! I "sink" it is!

-[Alexis] Help me up, babe. -[groan]

-[Alexis screams] -[crashing]

-[Ted] Oh, my God! -[Alexis] Fuck! Ugh!

[sobbing]

How are we still trapped in this gothic horror show?

You know, I think we've already missed the seaweed wrap,

and at this rate, it's not looking good for the salt scrub.

You know, I wish there was something else we could do here,

but I really feel we've overstayed our welcome.

Yes, we should really hit the road.

In that big, fancy car of yours?

Oh, it's big, but it's not that fancy.

Listen, folks, we don't want much.

But you should cover the expenses of the funeral.

The funeral... for your cat?

Well, it was Baby's only cat.

Perhaps it's the lack of air,

but I believe I saw three or four cats

running around since this interrogation began.

It was my only tabby.

Okay, well, maybe there's something we can do.

Does Bebe enjoy the theater?

Hmm? How about two complimentary...

partially-obstructed-view seats to Cabaret?

No! She likes the Kinky Shoes.

You got tickets to Kinky Shoes?

I believe it's Kinky Boots. And no.

Well, maybe a professional massage might help ease Baby's pain.

I like massages.

So, now you're taking Bebe to the spa?

No, I wouldn't be taking her, Moira,

but maybe Baby can take her grandmother.

-I'm her mother! -Yes, well that--

Yes, you are!

And you are going to adore the rejuvenating facial peel.

Can I keep the slippers?

This is my favorite aftershave.

-[whispers] Go! -Okay.

[silent]

Hi. Wendy, hi!

David! Isn't this great?

The two of us, back together!

Successful in business! Successful in love.

Mmm-hmm, totally. Quick question for you, Wen--

You know, when Antonio came to me with this idea,

I wasn't sure there was a market for another general store.

Everyone is doing them now.

Yeah, I was one of the first, but I get it.

And they sell all the same stuff.

I'm sure you've noticed a similarity between our products and yours.

Sure did. Wendy, can I speak with you for a moment?

[Wendy] Sure.

Why don't we go over to your booth?

It's so much quieter.

Okay.

Um, I don't wanna be the one to have to tell you this,

but it's about your fiancé...

You know Brad?

-Who's Brad? -My fiancé.

I thought you and Antonio were...

Oh, David... [laughs] We're business partners.

Oh! Okay.

Well, that's gonna make this a little easier.

Turns out Antonio is a common criminal.

-What? -Stevie, give me the--

Look at this, please.

"100% moist liquid"?

Antonio said these were locally sourced.

Sure. If you consider the dollar store local.

These sell for 99 cents.

Well, he's been charging me way more!

I'm so sorry you had to hear this.

No, David,

I'm glad you told me.

I was gonna go into business with this person.

And I'm ashamed to say, in my weaker moments...

I've been tempted to cheat on poor, sweet Brad.

With Antonio?

Well, obviously, you picked up on the intense heat between us

if you thought we were a couple.

Yeah. Wendy, for several reasons,

I think you need to say good-bye to Antonio.

Oh. How am I gonna tell Brad?

He and Antonio are roommates. They share this tiny one-bedroom together.

And it is so crowded in there, they had to put their mirror on the ceiling.

Yeah. Best to shut all that down, I think.

David.

What would I do without you?

I literally don't know, Wendy.

[tuts]

You wanna get high?

-No, but thank you. -Okay.

Okay. So, the delivery man came in, used the bathroom,

somehow broke the sink, and then left without actually delivering the package?

That is correct.

I just find it strange that he would then leave a note saying, "Sorry I missed you."

Yeah. No... I think he meant, like, sorry, I missed... you.

Because I was here the entire time.

And I actually think that he was, like, a little bit drunk,

because he knocked over a lot of things.

And you were here for this?

Um, no...

Well, you were here for a part of it.

Right. But I got here late...

My grandmother passed away.

-Oh, God! -It was a few years ago.

And it just been really tough to get over.

Mmm-hmm. Well, fortunately, we had these security cameras installed,

so I guess I'll just show that to the insurance people.

I don't really know how this works. Patrick went to that seminar.

Oh. Um...

Honestly, I don't think that you wanna do that.

You said that I could trust you.

First the Tamagotchis, now this? Get out of my store.

Okay, fine. You can take the money for the sink

out of what you were going to pay me today.

I wasn't planning on paying you anything. Get out!

You too. Very disappointed.

And if we're pointing fingers, David,

I've done it on a lot of sinks and I've never had an issue.

When you say you've done it on a lot of sinks--

-Out! -[Alexis] Huh!

Ugh! I don't wanna touch this.