All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S05E09.WEB-DL.NF.en

Is today the baseball day?

Today was supposed to be
the baseball day, yes.

-The finale?
-Championship.

Same thing.

What time did you need me to show up
to watch you play the baseball?

Well, as of right now, there you might
not be anything for you to watch.

-Oh?
-Gwen dropped out.

Apparently she has to go see
a friend she met on the Internet, so...

we are missing a right fielder.

Can you play both parts?

Positions. And, no.
That's the whole problem.

We will forfeit the game
if we can't come up with a ninth player.

Well, on the upside, there is
an Isabelle Huppert double feature

playing at the Elmdale Art House.

David, I can't bail on the game,
I just have to find a ninth player.

Okay, well, good luck.
It sounds a bit last minute.

You know, they don't even
have to do anything.

They pretty much just stand there.

Have you asked Ronnie?

Uh, she is on the other team,
and I'm pretty sure she hates me

after the bathroom incident.

Oh, I forgot about that.

Hey, you know what, David,
since you were already

planning on being there, maybe you...

Absolutely not!

-Just two hours of your life.
-No, no, no, no, no, no!

-We just need a body!
-Then go to the morgue.

I will cover you
if any flies come your way.

I have a spray for that.

And you know my stance on team sports.

I do. Given today's political climate,
we don't need to divide ourselves any more

-than we already have.
-Correct.

Have I mentioned to you
that there will be a... barbecue after?

I have a couple questions.

How many of the questions
are about the barbecue?

Most of them.

Like, how soon after the game
is the barbecue,

and will the players get to eat first,

and if so, who's enforcing that rule?

-I love you, David.
-Okay. I...

-You say that now, but...
-[kisses]

I don't do well with running.

All right.

Ronnie, I don't know what the big deal is!

Nobody's gonna even notice
that Stevie's not at the game.

That's not the problem, Roland.

I gotta be honest,
sometimes I don't even notice her

when she's standing right in front of me.

Roland, the rules say that we can't play
if we don't have nine players!

And I can't stomach
the thought of Patrick's team

winning by default.
The man looks like a thumb!

Ooh, Ronnie!

I'm gonna need you to pour
a little of that picante sauce

on the game today.

Because my bookie, Lorenzo,
gave me great odds

on us taking this.

There is not going to be a game
if we don't have a full team!

Um, excuse me?

I used to play a little ball in my day.

I was the star left fielder
from my school team.

You played college ball?

No, Hebrew school.

There were seven of us.
Surprisingly, not a big turnout, but, uh,

the Flying Latkes ended up
in fourth place.

Johnny, I think some things have changed

since you played ball, okay?

For one thing, the war is over. Oh!

Well, excuse me,
I thought you were in a bind,

and needed a player, but, uh,
forget it, I'm taking my offer back.

Roland, he's our only option.

No, he's not!

Joce has a CPR dummy that we can
just throw out into left field.

-Roland! We're going with Johnny!
-Ah, boy.

Great! And just so you know,
I had a pretty strong arm in the outfield.

The rabbi used to call me Popeye.

[door closes]

Okay... I am gonna give Lorenzo a call,

and change my bet.

I'm gonna put everything I got
on the other team.

[sighs heavily]

Hi, honey, is your daddy home?

This is so exciting!

I've never been in a musical before.

Although I did have a cousin
who was in Riverdance

until she got trampled.

Yeah, um, I was one of
the original Pussycat Dolls,

but I only lasted, like, two weeks.

Because, apparently, I'm too pretty.

[squeals] This is gonna be such a fun day!

[woman] Hey, Twyla!

What about you, Stevie? I didn't even know
that you wanted to be an actor.

-I don't.
-Fine, "artist."

I've been dreading this rehearsal
for the past two days.

Okay, as star of the show,

you might wanna set, like,
a different tone for everyone.

I think this is a huge mistake.

You're not wrong.

There has been a lot
of confusion as to why

I'm not the star of the show,
but fair is fair.

-You earned it.
-No, I didn't.

I didn't audition.

I don't like attention.

I can't think of anything worse
than standing on a stage

in front of a room full of people.

Okay, Stevie,
I think you just need to chill.

If this is anything like my first day
with the Pussycat Dolls,

it'll be a couple of hours of Kegels,
and then an afternoon of cheeky Bellinis.

It's just a lot of pressure.

Don't even worry about it.

I got your back today, girl.

Just like Nicole Scherzinger did for me.

-[door opens]
-Willkommen, bienvenue.

Welcome, you... to Cabaret!

-Not now, not yet.
-Okay, yup.

[sighs] I'm sure this will come
as a shock to all of you,

but this production
will mark my directorial debut!

Mmm...

Oh.

Missing cues already.

No, I'm simply here to inspire,

and instruct,
and bring out the very best in you.

And I want to start the day
with my lupanarian Kit Kat Girls!

We've also included anyone who's requested

extra rehearsal time
to work on their dance moves.

I just wanna limber up.

There's some pretty tricky footwork, so...

First, everyone,
please, direct your gaze...

to the beating heart of our show,

our Sally Bowles, Miss Stevie...

-Budd.
-Budd!

[silence]

You're wondering,
are we really going to lay

this colossal enterprise
upon her tiny shoulders?

Yes! I'm 100% confident
that you will all soon see

what I hope I believe
I may be seeing in you, Stevie.

Thank you.

As long as you're up,
why don't we jump right in?

You can help me lead the first exercise.

Uh, I thought this more of
a meet-and-greet kind of thing.

It's the afternoon upon which your bodies
will meet and greet the boards.

Okay, this is called...

"Monster on my Back."

Oh, fuck.

[fingers drumming]

Wow...

Okay, just so you're aware,
I had a very cute...

"my boyfriend's on the baseball team"
spectator look prepared for today,

and now I'm wearing tap shoes.

They're called cleats,
and I think you look very cute.

That's a given.

This just isn't how I pictured
being a placeholder rolling out.

Here. I thought we could head outside,
maybe throw the ball around a little bit?

This glove is brown. My shoes are black.

What exactly are we doing here?

-We're gonna practice?
-Practice what?

You told me I was just a body in a field!

-Hey, Patrick.
-Hey, Mr. Rose.

-Whoa!
-What are you doing?

Well, what are you doing?

Patrick's forcing me to be on his team
for the game today.

Yeah.

Roland and Ronnie wanted me
to be on their team for the game today.

Oh, my God!

That's funny, 'cause Ronnie's been telling
me all week how stacked her team is!

So yeah, so this makes sense.

Oh. Well, David, I'm surprised
to see you back in a uniform.

Whoa, I'm sorry, "back" in a uniform?

Okay, we don't need to get into it.

He didn't tell you?

Well, David holds the Little League record
for most times hit by a ball.

That's assuming it wasn't intentional.
They let me go home early.

So... where are you putting him?

Right field.

Okay, well, I'll try and get everyone
to pull the ball to the left.

Well, thank you, Mr. Rose,
but we're trying to keep morale high.

David and I are actually just going
outside to throw the ball around.

Well, that sounds like fun.

I think I'll oil up the glove
and join you.

Ew! Please don't.

Oh, David, don't worry, you'll be great.

I just wish I'd kept
that helmet I got you.

Does this come in black?

You can use mine.

[Twyla] Once...

Once.

Uh, no, we've moved
on from the mirror exercise.

Oh, okay, sorry. Go ahead.

Once...

At the motel...

One word at a time.

Okay.

Once...

Uh, sorry, I'm not good at this.
I'm just not good at this, so...

Okay, um, maybe someone else
should jump in at this point.

Excellent idea, Alexis.
Okay, I'll play with Stevie.

And perhaps we'll get a clearer idea
of what we need here.

Maybe you could do it with somebody else
though, let somebody else try.

First word is a gimme.

So you may say "once."

-Once...
-Upon...

A...

-Nightmare...
-My...

-Captor...
-Was...

Dismembering...

Okay, does it always get so dark?

Oh, I'm just flowing
with your energy, Stevie.

Which is good, but...
you may require a little scordatura.

Why don't I break us up into groups?

That's a good idea, 'cause it's better
than what's happening here.

I'm glad you agree.

I'll number us off! Um, one, two.

One, two.

Two.

Two...

Two, two.

Jocelyn, take group two
for some movement exercises.

-Mmm-hmm.
-Thank you.

And you and I will do
a little more one on one.

Okay, hey! Do you think we could maybe
switch parts at this point?

Um, at this point,
I really wouldn't want to.

But if it makes you feel better,
I think lunch is soon.

Mmm!

I'm just wondering
when the Bellinis are coming out?

[kiss] Stay strong, babe.

Alexis, we don't need
to exercise our movement?

Come here.

-You ready?
-Uh, yeah.

Okay, next time, can you make sure the
ball goes into my glove? Thanks so much.

It's a ground ball, David.

So in a game situation,

it is possible that the ball won't be hit
directly into your glove.

How's it going, boys?
Do you mind if I toss a few?

That'd be great, Mr. Rose.

That way, I won't be the only one chasing
the ball whenever I miss David's glove.

Okay, the last thing I need right now
are two people coaching me

on something
I didn't wanna do in the first place.

Well, it's more for me, David.

Popeye's arm isn't what it used to be.

Nobody's gonna call you Popeye.

Look alive, Patrick!

[Roland] Whoa, hold it.

Uh, Johnny?

What are we doing here?

Just tossing the ball around, Roland.

-No big deal.
-Wait, David's your sub?

[cackling]

I thought you told me
that your team was stacked!

-Good to see you too, Ronnie.
-Yeah.

Dave, be honest with me.

Are you just playing
to make your dad look good?

[laughs] I may have to call
my bookie again, right?

Okay, this is passive harassment.

Anyway, we just stopped by
to say we're having

a little pre-game bevy
and pep talk at my place,

if you want to join us, Johnny.

Well, I think I'll just stick around
and loosen up a bit, Ronnie.

Johnny, I don't think
it's really ethical for you

to be doing spring training
with the enemy.

He's not the enemy, Roland. He's my son.

[scoffs] There are no sons in baseball!

-[scoffs]
-What?

I'd argue most baseball players
are somebody's son.

-So what does that make me?
-Oh!

No, but, just 'cause he said there's...

Yeah, you know what, good luck.
'Cause y'all are gonna need it.

-Yeah, I'm looking at you.
-[Roland] Yeah.

[cackling]

Wow, she is really not a fan.

-Oh, man, I wanna win this game.
-[truck engine starts]

You told me it was just for fun, though!

Well, it is for fun, David,
but a little rivalry is part of the fun.

It's like when we used
to play the Catholic kids

from Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow.

The worst school cheer I ever heard.

[actors grunt and moan]

Let's be aware!

[moaning stops]

There are two groups in the room.
Voices carry.

Okay.

But this is actually
a good distraction for you.

Because when you're on stage,
you're going to have to drown it all out.

Okay, so let's now focus on the image
you were about to conjure for me.

Okay...

I'm in the Town Hall.

I'm wearing my maroon plaid hoodie.

And I'm feeling...

very uncomfortable.

Hmm, vivid.

Visceral. Excellent, Stevie.

Although the exercise does ask us
to recall a traumatic event in our life.

This sounds almost as if you're describing
what's happening right now.

-Oh, I am.
-[laughs] Oh!

There's that razor-sharp wit
that landed you the role.

Ah, Moira.
Group two is gonna take a fiver.

I have not had this much exercise
since I birthed Roland Jr.

Look at you, Jocelyn!

Pushing your authority
as assistant director to its limit.

But Stevie and I are still doing
some memory sculpting.

Uh, Mrs. Rose, I think I could really use
a five-minute break.

Oh, Stevie.

Okay, but we've chatted
30 seconds already,

so we'll call it
a company four-and-a-half.

Okay.

-Hey.
-Hey.

So before I take my five,

which technically won't start
until after this conversation,

I just wanted to have
a conversation with you.

It's about Stevie.

Oh, Alexis, I can't say
I didn't see this coming.

This must be very difficult for you,

watching one of your contemporaries
step in as Sally,

when you fought so hard for the role.

Oh, my God, no!

I read the script and never would've
been able to memorize those lines.

May I ask where your concern lies, then?

This is all a little intense.

-Hmm?
-Especially for Stevie.

If anything, I'm going easy on her.

You should've seen the conditioning
Rocky put me through.

Our first day consisted of mud runs
and sob therapy!

Okay.

Well, she's not you,

and I think she's actually
regretting signing up for this

and feels like it was a big mistake.

Really? What gave you that impression?

Because she told me
that she regrets signing up for this

and feels like it was a big mistake.

That kind of attitude's not going
to get her very far as an actress.

Well, she's clearly not an actress.

You told us this morning
that you were here to inspire,

instruct,
and bring out the best in all of us.

If only we needed
to fill the role of a Dictaphone!

-I'm just saying.
-And your point is made.

Thank you.

Whatever's left of the five minutes
might do us all some good.

Thank you.

[Patrick] All right now, two away!

All right, players to first and second!

Outfield in a little bit.
Two away now, let's go!

Okay, I don't know who this is,
but can we put him back in the box?

[Johnny] David, keep your glove up!
Protect your face!

Hey, Johnny! No coaching.

Always be ready!

Ugh!

Johnny, why don't you just
put on a little apron

and serve them the win
on a silver platter?

I'm just helping out my son, Roland.

The kid has no idea what he's doing!

I can hear you!

Okay, uh, Ronnie,
hit one out to right field.

There's basically nobody out there.

Nobody's gonna catch it, go ahead.

[Roland] You got this, you got it!

-[Roland] Oh!
-[Johnny] You can do it, David!

[Patrick] Get out of the way, David!

It's okay, David, I got it.

Hey, you know what? It's not okay.

I'm doing you the favor.
You told me I was just a body in a field.

Not a body that had to catch things
flying very fast in the air!

So...

I'm out!

Well, actually, David, uh, Ronnie's out,
and the inning's over,

and technically,
you're walking in the right direction.

Well, that's good for you, then.
Please get my glove.

-Knock, knock!
-Team?

Um, a firefighter with back pain?

No, try again.

Knock, knock!

A vacuum salesman? I don't know.

Bob, try to communicate
what's written on the paper.

Is there a bell I could ring?

You know, I don't wanna be rude,
but, uh, they could be having dinner.

Um, you know, just keep knocking
until someone guesses what or who you are.

Help me out here.

Knock, knock.

Yes, let's you and I
sit this one out, shall we?

End things on a lighter note.

It is called a "play," not a "work."

[Jocelyn] Someone caught in the rain!

Um, Mrs. Rose?

I've been thinking...

Oh, that's your first mistake.

Don't think, Stevie,
just trust your instincts.

Okay... Well, my instincts are telling me
that I'm in over my head.

See, deciphering which instincts to trust,
that's the real skill.

-You're feeling overwhelmed.
-[laughs nervously]

After some quiet reflection, it occurred
to me that this morning's exercises

might've been a bit advanced.

Please remember,
this is all new to me as well.

[Alexis] Ooh! A guy that works
with animals, but not a vet...

-[laughs shyly]
-We're in this together.

Okay...

Might I share with you
an anecdote about my director--

-A man with amnesia!
-Yes!

Well, he may have a story or two
about that from his later years.

No, sorry, I mean, the game.

[shouts] He's a man with amnesia!

Yes! Oh, I'm so glad
somebody figured it out!

Oh, I actually forgot
what I was supposed to do up here!

-[Jocelyn laughs]
-Oh!

You know that you have to come up
and play the game now, right?

I think I can handle that.

-Oh...
-Thanks.

[Alexis clears throat]

[scoffs]

Vampire person!

Oh! Ghost! Ghost girl!

Hemophiliac!

Woman with amnesia!

No!

Hey! Patrick.

I don't mean to put any pressure on you,

but you do realize
that it's the bottom of the ninth,

two out, bases are loaded,
and the game's on the line, right?

Yeah, I realize that, thank you, Ronnie.

So, who's up?

Oh, I think you know who's up.

[cackling]

The barbecue guy wasn't ready,
but he gave me some chips.

Okay, David, you're up,
but I'm gonna talk to the ump

and see if we can pinch-hit for you.

Why? It's the only part of this stupid
game that I'm actually good at.

Well, you struck out three times, so...

I tipped it that one time.
You even admitted that!

No, that's true, and that was a great tip.

It's just that we're trying to win here.

Hey! Hey! Do we have a batter, or what?

-What's going on?
-Yeah, I'm doing it.

-I'm doing the batting.
-Oh, okay, great!

-All right!
-Okay.

Easy out, everyone, easy out! [chuckles]

Fire up the grill.
We'll be there in a couple of seconds!

Okay, everyone shut up!

Ronnie, throw the thing.

[Patrick] Oh, my God! Run, David, run!

-Way to go, son! [laughs]
-[Patrick] All right, David!

[Roland] Johnny! Get the ball!

[Patrick] This is it!
Go, David! Drop the bat!

[Ronnie] What are you waiting for, Johnny?

[Roland] Come on, he's going home!

[Patrick] All the way, David! All the way!

[groans]

-Safe!
-[cheering]

-Are you okay?
-Did I do it?

You did it.

You did it!

[cheering]

[Patrick] David Rose hit the ball!

[laughs]

Oh!

-Whoo!
-Whoo! That's my boy!

[rock music playing]

You know, Johnny,
the next time I need a sub,

remind me to ask the blind goat
over at Mrs. Divine's farm.

It's just a game, Roland.

Popeye smokes his son square in the back.

It was a quick recovery, Ronnie,
but thanks for the play-by-play.

Well, luckily for me, I had a side bet

on whether Johnny would throw
the game in his kid's favor.

I consider it a split.

When you get hit in the back
playing a game

you never wanted to play
in the first place,

does that make you the VIP?

The MVP, and, uh, no,
we're not doing that.

Okay, what if we were doing it, though?

Well,
then you would definitely be the VIP.

Okay.

Listen, I'm sorry if this game
sorta unleashed my competitive side.

Yeah, we really don't need
to meet him again.

But, you know, part of me wonders,
would you have hit a home run

if I hadn't lit that fire in you?

Because I have never seen you
run like that.

Yeah, it was mainly because
I was smelling the barbecue.

-Ah...
-Up. Higher.

-Okay.
-Thank you.