All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S05E06.WEB-DL.NF.en

Oh, Johnny, I wish you had told us
it was, uh, movie day.

Stevie and I could've come up
with some good recommendations for you.

What are we gonna watch,
a silent movie from your childhood?

It's not movie day, Roland.

We're watching an instructional video
on professional workplace etiquette,

and it's clear from the stain on your top

that things have gotten
just a little lax around here.

[sighs]

I made this at Rose Video a while back,

but, uh, I think you'll find
it holds up pretty well.

[male narrator]
Employee Health and Safety Series.

Where is it? Let's see.

Oh, wow, this looks like the videos
Joce and I used to make.

Just focus on the content, Roland.

"Q, R, S--" Ah! There it is.

Here, let me help you with that.

Excuse me, Emilio!

Pause.

That kind of physical touch
is inapprop-ri-rate.

Let's rewind and try again.

And now they're gonna come
and do it again! [laughing]

[rewinding sounds]

Where is it? Let's see.

"Q, R, S--" Oh! There it is.

Here, let me help you with that.

Is this what you were looking for?

A double-cassette of the Best Body Swaps
of Sunrise Bay, Season 21?

Yes, thank you.

I've been asked to retrieve it
for a customer with wonderful taste.

I value you as a fellow employee.

Perhaps you'd like to meet outside of work
for a dinner at my place?

Fast forward!

-Oh! [snickers]
-Jesus.

Well, it's somewhat dated, but, uh...

I think the principles of etiquette
are still applicable today.

Hm. Pretty timeless. Yeah.

No, I'm not gonna be the one to tell her.

Tell me what?

No, it's not about you, Moira.

Well, is it about Twyla
needing to pick up the pace

-on that solo?
-What?

No, it's about the Poison concert tonight
being canceled at the casino.

And that's a problem because?

Jocelyn's been looking forward to it
for weeks.

This is her one night out.

Not to worry.

If she's anything like I was
with a little moppet in the house,

she'll find any ruse
to escape for an evening.

The Poison concert was merely a device.

[door opens]

Uh-oh, ladies!

Somebody better call Poison Control,
because tonight's gonna be...

♪ Nothin' but a good time ♪

Yeah, I'm not gonna be the one to--

Okay, Jocelyn, you might
want to take a seat.

Oh, no, there's no time for that.

No, no, we have to rehearse
our Poison medley.

Because when Rikki Rockett
makes direct eye contact with you

during "Talk Dirty to Me,"
you are gonna want to talk dirty back!

Oh, gals, this is getting painful.

Jocelyn, wonderful news!

They've refunded the price
of your ticket for tonight's concert.

What? But I don't want a refund.

No, the show got pushed.

Looks like they double-booked Poison
with The Doodlebops.

And the casino just sent out an apology.

Well, what are we supposed to do now?!

I didn't pump for four hours straight

to get on a chartered bus
to go to the end of the street and back!

We could go to the café.

Oh! Well, do they have
a smoke machine at the café?!

No, but I can ask George
to burn something on the grill.

[Moira] This is just sad.

Why can't we still go to the casino?

If I'm holding the truth stick,

I was never planning
to attend the concert anyway.

I never pegged you
for a gambling kind of gal, Moira.

Oh, I'm not above
a naughty night of debauchery.

When Condi Rice and Sharon Stone and I

used to make our annual casino sojourn
to Ho Chi Minh City,

well, let's just say,
toi khong bao gio thua.

Okay, but it's been a really long time
since I've spun that roulette wheel.

And this is the only casino
I haven't been banned from

as an unaccompanied minor.

Well, do we still have a reservation
at Bucky's Fried Chicken House?

Yes, but I wouldn't let that stop us!

[Ronnie and Twyla laugh]

So you just plug in the information
and then it creates the website for you.

So what exactly am I paying you for, then?

I'm your brand consultant, David.

I'm consulting with you
on which template to use.

[Patrick laughs]

Sorry, I'm just distracted.

There's a guy over there
currently flirting with my boyfriend.

-[gasps] Poor thing.
-I know.

No, I meant you, David.

Oh, hi. Are you finding
everything you're looking for?

Um, actually, I was wondering
if I could have a pen and paper.

Mmm, you planning on
doing some journaling?

[Alexis] Hmm.

[giggles]

-There you go.
-Thank you.

Um... score, Patrick!

Look at you, just drowning
in other people's phone numbers.

Who was that hunk
with the teeny-weeny little polo?

-His name is Ken.
-[gasps] Ken!

Just when I thought it was impossible
to find a 30-something named Ken!

Oh, I think he looked younger than 30.

Fuck off, Alexis!

What exactly did Ken do with my pen?
Did he write down a banana bread recipe?

Or was he looking for directions
to some place?

-This is his phone number.
-Yes, it is.

Yeah. Look at you go.

-Mm-hmm.
-And he, like,

gave it to you in front of David,
so clearly no threat there.

Hey, Alexis, find a stick--

Can I just enjoy this for a second?

Of course, yeah! Enjoy Ken.

I mean, I think it's funny,
'cause when he first walked in here,

I was gonna help him,

so to think it could've been me
enjoying Ken.

Yeah, I don't think so.

-Yeah, I think he liked me.
-This is fun!

It's the great thing about
owning a store, really,

is getting to flirt with the customers.

You know, just last week,
a woman came in and gave me her number.

Do you mean the woman who wanted to know
when the soap would be back in stock?

Who came in here
with her husband and kids?

Hasn't stopped me before.

But thank you for reminding me,
I have to call her.

The soap did come back in.

I'm just gonna...

put that right there.

Mm-hmm.

[Johnny] Stevie?

[Stevie] Just a minute!

Oh, I was talking to Roland
about the latticework,

and we figure if we, uh, put the vines
right up the side of the motel--

-[Stevie] Oh! Oh, my God, Mr. Rose! Oh!
-Oh!

Okay. No, no, no, that's okay. I'm sorry.

-I said just a minute!
-Yeah. Yeah.

No, I-I was coming back to you,

'cause I-I figured, you know,
you'd be busy back there.

I was busy!

-Taking a personal photo...
-Right, right.

...for my doctor.

Right, well, it was--
it was a medical, uh, photo.

And, and, uh... and you what?

You text or e-mail this
right back to your doctor?

I mean, what a-- what an age we live in!

I thought you were running errands!

I was, I was, and-and, uh...

I was at the nursery, there were no cars
absolutely on the way home, and, uh,

so it was clear sailing,

and that's what I was gonna tell you
when I... until I...

Okay! I am kind of seeing somebody,

and it's, like,
a long-distance thing, so I--

Yeah, okay,
I'm gonna stop you right there.

I wish we had gotten to the second tape
in the workplace etiquette series

that had a whole chunk on Polaroids.

-Oh, my God!
-Um, Stevie, look, look!

All I saw was a business partner
communicating with a friend, that's all.

Although you've just explained

that it was a more intimate relationship
with this, uh, chap.

But, uh, congratulations, by the way,
if, uh, you know...

I think I need to take a walk
around the block.

Mm-hmm?

So, like, a couple of thousand times.

Okay, that's a good idea.
Yeah, sure, sure. Take a walk.

And, uh, you know,
uh, get some, get some fresh air,

and, you know, clear your head.

And if you feel the need
to finish that communication,

by the way, with your friend,

just, uh, maybe try and find
a room with a locked door?

[door slams]

But everything's okay, Stevie.
Don't worry about that.

We're...

-I waited 35 minutes!
-Oh, don't start.

[Jazzagals cheer]

Oh, please, save your applause
for Jocelyn, who's right behind me.

[Jazzagals cheer]

I was going to change
and then I thought, no.

If my babysitter can show up
wearing a crop top the size of a bib,

I can wear this to a casino!

[Jazzagals cheer]

Jocelyn, you look amazing.

Yes, why not throw caution
and the dress code to the wind?

I'm sure the maître d' at Bucky's
will make an exception!

Let's get goin'!

[Jazzagals cheer]

If the bus is a-rockin',
don't come a-knockin'!

[Jazzagals] Whoo! Yeah!

[Moira] I've come prepared
with casino must-haves:

oxygen drops, antibacterial wipes,

and military-grade caffeine pills.

The pills came from Condi,

so if anyone asks,
you found them on the floor.

Mrs. Rose, when you said
you were bringing essentials,

I thought you meant snacks
and something to drink.

-No.
-Well, nothing for the road?

Don't worry, ladies. I've got you covered.

This afternoon I made some...
magic brownies!

[Jazzagals cheer]

THC and carbohydrates.

Oh, Moira, we don't expect you
to have one.

One? At least one.

Okay.

-[engine starts]
-Who wants some zhampagne?

[Jazzagals] Yeah! Whoo!

[jazz playing]

So, whatever happened
to that phone number?

Uh, it might still be in my pocket. Why?

Hm. Just keeping it close?

Well, I haven't thrown it out yet.

What are you doing?!
I'm obviously not gonna use it.

Why not?

Uh, because I'm in
a committed relationship.

I know that.

-I think you should call him.
-What?!

Skin-tight clothes aside,
do you find Ken attractive?

I mean, sure.

Then I think you should call him!

-David!
-Consider it a selfish act on my part.

You have only been with me.

And Rachel, and, like,
a handful of other girls.

Okay, we've all been
with a handful of other girls.

-But I'm the only guy.
-So?

So, inevitably, there might come a point

where you find yourself curious
about being with other people.

So why not explore that now,

so that we don't have to have
this conversation

five years down the line.

Oh, so you think we're gonna
be together five years from now?

I think a cute boy gave you his number,

and you should go for dinner and run free.

Best-case scenario,

you realize how good you have it with me.

Worst-case scenario,

you realize how good you have it with me.

Fun!

Okay, Mr. Rose...

uh, I've thought a lot
about what happened,

uh, maybe a little too much
about what happened.

And I think, for the sake of the business,
that we should just put it all behind us.

Okay, good. Good. Thank you, Stevie.

What happened?

Mr. Rose saw me topless.

-Oh! Oh! [laughs]
-No! No! I...

I didn't completely see anything,
but I got the gist of what you were doing.

I didn't know anyone was here!

Oh, Johnny, I don't think the woman
in that video would approve.

The woman on the video is Moira,

and no, she would not approve!
I would not approve!

It was an accident.

Trust me, it will never happen again.

Understood.

I don't know what to say
to the two of you.

Well, you don't have to say
anything, Roland.

Less is more in a... situation like this.

-Well, I did just think of one thing.
-Please don't!

-It's more of a limerick.
-All right, enough, Roland.

Thank you, we're going to move on now.
Stevie, room three needs a changeover.

I would be happy to leave and do that.

-Thanks.
-[cell phone chimes]

Whoa! [laughs]

Ah! Stevie! Your friend just responded!

-Oh, my God, gimme that!
-Hmm.

Oh, my...

Uh, I'll be taking the rest
of the day off.

Okay.

-[door slams]
-Yeah...

I'd say her friend responded.

[guffaws]

Hey, can you give me a ride to Ted's?
It's basically on the way to Patrick's.

It's in the opposite direction,
and I'm not going to Patrick's tonight.

Why?

Because we don't have plans tonight.

-He has plans with someone else.
-Who?

Okay, can you utilize, like,
a little bit more of the English language?

If you must know,

I sent Patrick off
to have dinner with that guy

who gave him his number today.

That hot piece from the store?
Why would you do that?

Because I think it's funny,

and I also think it's important
for Patrick to experience other people

in order to realize
how good he has it with me.

What if he doesn't come
to that realization?

Every time I did that with a boyfriend,

I'd send them off with someone
who, like, wasn't a threat.

Like Pippa Middleton, or Rihanna.

Okay, well,
I hardly think Ken is a threat.

Mmm, tell that
to his million-dollar smile, David.

-Okay.
-So what are the GRs?

-The what?
-The ground rules.

What ground rules did you lay down

before you sent him off
with that hottie-boom-bottie?

Okay, I haven't sent him off
with ground rules,

because this is a one-night thing.

Did you say that?

No.

So at this point he could, like,
spend the night, double-dip,

-kiss on the lips!
-I don't know!

Okay, this is why you have
ground rules, David!

Josh Groban has a thick,
leather-bound binder full of them.

Patrick didn't even wanna do this.
I basically forced him into it.

Is it too late for any amendments?

I thought this was a good idea,

and now you're making me feel
like I made a mistake.

Okay, you haven't made
a huge mistake yet, David.

We probably won't find out
about that until tomorrow.

Okay, I have never been
in this position before.

Usually I'm the one finding out

I'm in an open relationship
after the fact,

and now you're making me feel
like I've just shipped my boyfriend off

to fall in love with someone else!

I was supposed to go
to dinner with Ted, David!

Then go for dinner with Ted!

Well, now I feel like
I should be here for you!

Why?

[groans] Let's just hope
we don't find out.

What?!

[sighs]

Are we up yet?

It's either black or red, even or odd.

And you never know
where you're gonna land.

I'm sorry, Jocelyn?

If you'd have told me 20 years ago

I'd be standing here
with an empty chip bucket,

stoned out of my mind
at a Doodlebops concert,

I would've lit a menthol and had a laugh.

-You went to that show?
-I stepped in briefly.

Roland Jr.'s a huge fan
of "Wobbly Whoopsy."

Moira, you may not believe this,
but I used to rock out.

Well, of course you did,
as did anyone with brain cells to kill.

I'm thinking of a particular night
in Monaco

with Maggie Trudeau
and the Rolling Stones.

You rocked out with the Stones?

All except Charlie,
but every party has a pooper.

Moira, it's like,

on the inside I feel like
I'm 19 years old,

and then I catch a glimpse
of myself in the mirror

and realize that I'm so not.

Oh, Jocelyn, you'll soon learn
that we aging mortals

are blessed with weakening eyes
and memories

so we don't have to really see ourselves.

If you love the number 19, you go be 19.

And while you're at it, bet on it.

I can't take all of these!

It only looks like a lot.

Do as you will, Jocelyn,
but whatever you do,

rock onwards and upwards!

Mm-hmm!

Yeah!

[hushed shout] Yes!

-Ah, Stevie.
-Oh, my God!

I forgot my bag,

and I thought you might have
gone home for the night, so...

Oh, no, I was just about to leave,
but, uh, I'm glad I caught you.

Can we pretend today didn't happen?

Oh, consider it erased.

Thank you.

Although, I did wanna say just one thing,

if I could put my friend cap on
for a minute.

I'm glad things are working out
with you and your gentleman friend.

And I'm just piecing things together here.

Thank you, Mr. Rose.

I hope he makes you happy, Stevie,
and that's all that matters to me.

And from this point forward,
I am staying out of it.

We never have to talk about this again.

Okay.

Remember Emir?
The guy who came to review the motel?

The one who asked you to lunch?

Yes, that would be him.

Oh! Well, he seems like a nice guy.

-Yeah.
-Good job.

Good taste in motels.

And clearly he likes you a lot.

And I'm not saying that
just because of the photo.

Oh, my God, Mr. Rose!

-Okay, rewind, please.
-See you tomorrow!

Yeah, okay, see you tomorrow, Stevie.

Does anyone want more Bucky's?

No! Who knew everything
would contain chicken?

Oh, that dessert menu
was especially disappointing.

"Black forest tenders."

Jocelyn's still not answering her phone.

Well, somebody ought to go look for her!

Tah-dah! [laughs]

Oh, Jocelyn, is that you?

Yes! I took your advice, Moira.

And what advice was that?

Yes, Jocelyn, what advice did I impart

that translated into
this daring new coiffure?

That I can still rock on!

Your chips bought this!

And you certainly risked it all,
didn't you?

Yeah! [laughs]

I'm ready to go home.

Okay.

Wow, Jocelyn.

-It must feel so light and breezy.
-Mm-hmm! [laughs]

[chuckles] Yeah.

Yes, I love it, too.

I know. Thank you.

Thank you.

Do you recognize me from earlier?
I have a new hairdo!

Hey, Ted, I'll be there soon, but I
just can't leave David alone right now.

Yeah, no, apparently
they left for dinner at 7:00.

Radio silence. Nothing, not a word.

Anyway, I will be there soon,
and I love you so much.

Okay...

Oh, my God, imagine?

[giggles] Mwah! Mwah!

This is not how I wanted
to spend my night.

Me neither.

And David, I know what you're thinking--
they're probably back at his house,

listening to Frank Ocean,
laughing, and rehydrating.

Yeah, the more I think about this,
the more I realize it was way too early

to have introduced this
into the relationship.

I mean, I thought I was being mature,

but in actuality,
it was just a classic case

of self-sabotage.

Chill, David.

Hey! [thumps table]

Yes, those are all valid points,

but this is a moment of growth for you.

Was it flawlessly executed? No.

Would I have done it? Hell no.

Okay, if this is intended to be helpful,
you can leave now.

But what I was gonna say is,

if a cute guy that walks into your store

is enough to unravel
your whole relationship,

you're better off knowing that now
than in a year from now.

[knocking]

Do I want to hear about it?

I couldn't do it.

Oh. Come in.

-I don't want to date Ken!
-I don't think I ever said "date."

Was it the lack of ground rules?

-Hi. David...
-Mm-hmm?

I love you, and I really appreciate
what you were trying to do for me,

but I feel no need to meet up
with other guys right now.

Okay, I mean...

if that's what you want,
then I guess I'm... I'm fine with it.

-I mean, I'm easy either way.
-Oh.

Also, this is gonna sound totally petty,

but something about his shoes
just made me feel really weird,

'cause they were, like,
long and pointy, but then...

-Squared off at the toe.
-Yes!

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I know. I know, it's okay.

It's okay.

Okay, this is a really long hug now.

Just one more minute, mm-hmm.

["Every Rose Has Its Thorn"
by Poison plays]

We all still like it, right?

I think it really brings out my eyes.
Right, gals?

Sure.

It's not like we think it's a mistake,
or we regret it, right?

Oh, you never regret a good time, Jocelyn.

Thank you, Moira.
You'd tell me the truth, I know.

[nervous laugh]

It's really short.

♪ Every rose has its thorn ♪

♪ Yeah, it does ♪

♪ Just like every night has its dawn ♪

♪ Just like every cowboy ♪
Sings his sad, sad song ♪

♪ Every rose has its thorn ♪