All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S05E04.WEB-DL.NF.en

[shower running]

[Johnny] Moira! The water's ice cold!

How long were you in here?!

John, you know my ritual!

Five to ten minutes to let the water warm,
there's the initial scrub,

followed by the deep conditioner,
which must set for 20 minutes,

and finally, the double rinse cycle.

Well, we can't be doing that
anymore, sweetheart!

Our water bill is going through the roof!

Yes, painfully aware
of our budgetary constraints, John.

I'm currently reading
a magazine from July, 1987.

Where do you even find these?

So I just signed for this.
Does that mean I get to keep it?

-Also, what is it?
-Oh, my God, it's here.

-Give it some room, Alexis!
-Give what some room?

What exactly are you getting shipped
from Harrods of London?

Family, I'd like to you to meet
a dear friend whom I've yet to meet.

Give a warm dobrodosli
to my red carpet gown

for the Crows premiere.

Moira, you didn't tell me
they'd set a date for the premiere!

Yes! I've been told definitively
it will happen,

and I quote, "ideally sometime this year."

Okay, there must be some mistake here.
This is valued at $3,700.

What?! $3,700?

What designer gave you
that kind of discount?

Sadly, it's not custom
this time around, Alexis.

Mommy had to shop off the rack.

Fortunately, I discovered something
called a "promo code."

This is a reduced price?

Yes. Discount couture, do you believe it?

I'm surprised she made it through customs.

I once passed off a mini horse
and three Guinea pigs

as service animals,
so anything is possible.

Perfect. A spot of tea for the unveiling.

I was actually just boiling water
for my bath.

Does this mean I should start thinking
about my look for the premiere?

TBD on the guest list, Alexis,
but I love your enthusiasm.

Box? Box.

[David] I'm so glad we're doing this.

We never get to spend
quality time together.

Also, I've been neglecting
my wellness journey,

so the cherry blossoms opening
when we both have time off

is really ticking a lot of boxes for me.

Are you sure the cherry blossoms
are even open now?

I mean, I thought that wasn't
for another couple weeks.

No, no, I called the botanical gardens
and had the girl send me a photo.

I learned the hard way
from my last trip to Japan.

Showed up, no cherry blossoms,
turned right back around.

It was such a waste.

Wow, that is a lot of pressure
to put on cherry blossoms.

Well, why else would we
be driving to Elm Valley? Ooh!

Why else would we be driving
to Elm Valley, Stevie?

The only other reason I can think of
is that... Emir might be there.

-The hotel reviewer that--
-You had the dirty motel sex with?

Well, when you put it that way,
it sorta cheapens it,

but yes, he might also be there,
reviewing a hotel.

But not the hotel that we're going to,
because that would be a crazy coincidence.

Sorry, I knew you wouldn't come

if you thought you were gonna be
a third wheel.

Okay, well, sucks for him,

because I only booked
the private garden tour for two people.

-Okay, I'm just gonna say it.
-Please don't.

-I don't think we're gonna go...
-No!

...to the botanical gardens.

Wow! So this is an abduction, then.

I am a single woman
driving way out of town

to meet a guy I don't know very well!

Well...

Once he shows up, I'm sure you can
still go to the botanical gardens!

I'm not going to the botanical gardens
by myself!

What, am I gonna walk around
and admire the cherry blossoms alone,

like some pervert?!

So if you're gonna meet this guy there,
then where am I staying?

I don't do couches!

I got you a separate room.

A separate room, okay.
So this has all been premeditated, then.

You know what, I hope for your sake
that they have cherry blossoms in prison.

[dog barking]

Hey, Shannon, what's up?

Ted's in his office.
You can just let yourself in.

Yikes. Okay, thank you.

Hey, I know you're really swamped today,
so I brought you this.

-You can thank me later.
-Oh!

That's decaf, right?

No, that detail actually slipped my mind,
so maybe I'll just take it.

Oh, almost a sweet gesture,
Alexis, thank you.

You know who's not sweet?

Old Shan out there.

Okay, first of all, Alexis, she's not old.

We went to vet school together.

And she's actually been
really helpful this week.

To you.

I'm just gonna say it, Ted.
Most people are a fan.

So when someone's not,
it's usually on them.

All right, fine,
I-I didn't wanna bring this up,

because it is so not a thing.

But, well, when you and I were broken up,

there was... one night
where Shannon and I...

[gasps] Oh, my God! Ted!

[sighs] We hooked up.

Yes, you did, you little smooch monster!

Well, we did a lot more than that.

[gasps] I'm sorry, should I be jealous?

No! No, no, no, no, no.
It was just a one-time thing.

-Oh, no.
-No, not "oh, no."

No, I stopped it from going any further.

Because I thought we were just
better off as friends.

Beep, beep!

Paging Dr. Casanova J. Heartbreaker.

Anyway, that's probably why she seems like

she's a little unsure
about where she stands with you.

Well, thank you for telling me that, Ted.

That makes so much more sense
than her not liking me.

Well, I'm glad that
we could clear that up.

Okay, well, I will see you
for lunch then, "Doctor."

Yeah, it's funny because
I actually am a doctor.

So am I.

No, you're not.

-Just-Just Ted.
-[door closes]

[Roland] Hey, Johnny!

Johnny! I have some good news
for you, my friend.

Well, I could use some good news.

I might have to take out a mortgage
on the dress my wife just bought.

Well, uh, you know that little
hot water problem you're having?

Yeah?

Well, I've come up
with the perfect excuse for you

to buy yourself
a brand-new hot water heater!

Still waiting for the good news.

Well, the good news
is that my friend Terry

can replace the whole thing for you.

-Replace it?
-Mm-hmm.

Well, how much is that gonna cost?

I did a little negotiating with Terry,

and he says you can have it for 4,200.

-4,200?
-Right. Unless you want it installed.

Well, of course I want it installed,
Roland!

Okay, well, that's gonna be 5,500.

Okay, you know what?

I can't afford to throw away
money like that.

Oh, come on, this coming from the guy
who was just bragging

about taking out a mortgage
to pay for his wife's dress!

-I wasn't bragging!
-Oh!

[Moira] Well, hello!

Is it just me, or is there a faint scent
of honeysuckle in the air?

Yeah, it might be Johnny's aftershave.
[giggles]

I'm-I'm sorry, it is pungent.

And John, I tried to hang up my gown,
and thank God I caught it

before that silly curtain rod
came crashing down!

Don't worry about it.
We'll get you a new one.

As soon we can get, uh, "El Tightwad" here
to loosen up the purse strings.

John, give this man a raise!

And when, dear, did our room
become so moist?

I'm off to get a dehumidifier,
but I will see you at lunch.

[Muzak playing]

Oh, is that him?

-No.
-Okay.

-What about the person--
-David, I would tell you if I saw him!

Also, that's rude!

Okay, it's just that your type
is very inconsistent.

What time was he supposed
to show up, anyway?

Two hours ago.

And we're sure this is the right hotel?

He's not coming. I'm an idiot.

Well, I guess the one good thing
to come out of this abduction

is that if anyone knows how to crawl out

from under an embarrassing
romantic failure, it's me.

So I say we drop our bags,
go straight to the botanical gardens,

take in some cherry blossoms,

then sleep it off
and go home fresh tomorrow.

What time was the tour again?

Oh, David, I'm so sorry.

If this wasn't so humiliating for you,

I think I'd be in a darker head space
right now, but since it is...

The hotel bar has karaoke.

I say we get several rounds
of polar bear shots,

load up some Mariah,

and I will spend the rest of the night
pretending not to resent you.

Okay.

I'll get the first round.

Oh, you'll be getting every round.

[sighs]

Oh, my God, Shan! You still here?

Have you not taken lunch?

I've just been pretty busy.

Ugh, same.

Can I get a "hell yeah"
for two hardworking women

in the 21st century?

[weak chuckle]

Anyway, I think that we both know
that things are a bit off between us,

and I understand why.

Ted told me all about your little...
[kissing]

And it's like... not a big deal.

Okay.

Alexis, that's-that's such a relief.

And-- Oh! Honestly, between us,
it was just a drunken one-time thing,

and I told him
we'd be better off as friends.

Oh.

Did you tell him that
after he told you that?

-Sorry?
-[Ted] Alexis. Right on time.

You're telling me.
I was just having a chat with Shan.

Clearing the air about that little trip
you two took to pound town.

-Alexis!
-Whoa!

Okay, let's remember
this is still a place of work.

Look, I don't know about you, Shannon,
but I am so glad we did this.

Had I not talked to her,

I never would've found out
that she called it off.

-Maybe I will go for lunch.
-Well, just, um, one minute.

Again, not that it matters, you know,
but, uh, the day after we...

um, we were supposed to meet up
at the 5K for Feral Cats,

and... I never followed up, so...

-Oh! Yeah, it totally doesn't matter.
-No.

But I also never followed up.

So when we saw each other the next weekend

at the opening
of Bronwyn's Exotic Animal Clinic,

I assumed... you'd gotten the hint.

Okay, well, that's what I assumed, so...

Okay, not to interject, but I assumed

that this would play out
in a much more interesting way.

So for the sake of time,
um, I'm just gonna go

-with Shannon's version of things.
-No!

Shannon, can we get you anything
while we're out?

I'm not sure that we actually
quite finished the conversation.

Oh, it's okay, Ted.

Because the important thing is
that Shannon and I had a breakthrough.

Yeah, but I'm just not really sure
where we landed...

-Mm-hmm, yeah.
-...on the whole...

Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Okay.

[country music playing]

When it comes to water heater repairs,

you don't need electrical experience
to check or replace the heating elements.

Great.

The only thing you need to do

is make sure the power is off
before you perform any tests--

Okay, where's the power switch?

I need the power switch.
Okay, hold on, hold on.

-Find the circuit breaker...
-Power?

I can't get to the circuit breaker until--
Hold on!

-Then you come back...
-Slow... Slow-- Hold on!

-Hold-- St-Stop!
-[tutorial keeps talking]

Rewind! How do you rewind?!
Where's the manual?!

Oh, Johnny, there you are!
I've been looking all over for you.

Urgent question. Um...

what's our policy on smoke breaks?

-Who's taking a smoke break?
-I am.

-You don't smoke.
-Yeah, I know.

And I don't think
I should be penalized for that.

Roland, I'm kinda busy right now
with the water heater.

Johnny, I don't think kicking that thing
is really gonna help.

LOL.

Okay, I'm trying to follow the video here.
It says it's for beginners.

Yeah, well, I think you got
the right video there.

But don't you think something like that
should be handled by professionals?

Like, maybe... Terry?

Roland, you know something?

There's a lot going on
with the family right now,

and if there's an economical way
for me to deal with this

without pumping more money into it,
then that's what I'm gonna do!

Johnny, let me tell you something.
That is not the place to cut corners.

Okay? What you need to do
is re-examine your extravagant lifestyle.

What are you talking about?

Well, not all of us can drive around
in an eight-cylinder car.

It's a '78 Lincoln,
and it's all we could afford!

-Right, '78. Vintage.
-Okay!

Roland, do you mind
if I get back to work?!

Yeah, no problem.
I gotta go on my smoke break.

-[sighs]
-[loud clang]

♪ As time goes on... ♪

-[song ends]
-[smattering of applause]

Wow, for someone who can barely stand,
she sounds good.

How are we feeling?

All things considered, I'm feeling better.

Good. I'm gonna see
if they have more Mariah.

The first three songs were just a warm-up.

[chuckles]

Oh. Hi.

I'm so sorry.

A student driver rear-ended me
on the way over here.

It was a whole thing. He started crying.

We had to exchange insurance information.
His mom was there.

You couldn't have called?

I thought I was stood up.

The student driver has my phone,
and I have his.

We didn't give them back to each other
after we exchanged info.

So if you wanna know
what's on a 16-year-old's smartphone,

I could offer you that.

No, thank you.

Yeah, that's probably for the best.

Okay, good news, they have "Fantasy,"

which means that you get to play
Ol' Dirty Bastard.

Oh, are-are you here with someone?

-Uh, no.
-Oh! Ohhh...

Oh, um, no.
We just ran into each other at the bar.

Um, long story short,
I took a pottery class with this one.

[laughs falsely]

Oh, uh, I'm Emir.

-Oh, Dane...a. Dana.
-Dana?

Yeah. So I run the karaoke at the hotel.

-Hmm.
-Yeah.

Uh, Stevie, I know I'm two hours late,
but can I still take you to dinner,

or have I blown it?

Oh, you've blown it.

But I'll still take a free dinner.

-I can work with that, okay.
-Okay.

-Mm-hmm.
-Okay!

Um, I'm just gonna settle up my tab,

-I'll meet you outside.
-Okay, yeah.

Uh, nice to meet you, Dana.

Yes, thanks.

Why don't you just come with us?

I already made you miss
the botanical gardens.

I can't leave you here.

Okay, honestly,
I'm gonna be really exhausted

after my set anyways, so...

I'll probably just go to bed.

Are you sure?

No, so get outta here
before I change my mind.

-Thank you.
-Okay. Unnecessary, but...

Keep the mics hot, I'm comin' in!

[loud whirring]

Moira? We need to talk, sweetheart.

I'm sorry, dear, is your mouth moving?

Could you, uh, turn off
the dehumidifier for a second?

Because I can't possibly hear you
over the sound of the dehumidifier!

Oh, just-just turn off...

[beeping, whirring stops]

So, it looks like
in addition to the water heater,

we're gonna have to replace
some of the plumbing.

And the water is so hard

that Terry said that it's likely
in the next little while,

we might also need a new...

water softener.

John, I'm sorry you've had
such a hard day.

-Yeah.
-On the upside,

this gown has exceeded all expectations.

Yeah, well, that's good, sweetheart,
that's... that's good.

It's just that, um, you know,
with all these costs piling up,

we might have to take a hard look at, uh,
some of our recent, uh... purchases.

I told Alexis now is not the time
to expand that home office.

Not with the price of ink today.

Yeah... Moira, look.

The last thing I want to do
is, uh, rain on your parade,

but I think for the next little while,

any money coming in should probably...
be for the family.

This dress is for the family.

To remind us that our futures
lie outside this town.

It feels these days like I'm the only one
who hasn't veered off-course.

Well, no one's veering off-course, Moira.

We're all just, uh,
taking a different approach.

The ceremonial purchase of the gown
has always been my good luck charm.

Well, from everything you've told us
about this movie, Moira,

it sounds like
for the first time in a long time,

you may not need any luck.

Oh, John! Thank you for that.

And know that you've been heard!

Good.

[beeps, loud whirring]

You know, Alexis,
I've been thinking about it, and...

I'm really glad that you and Shannon

were able to get everything
out in the open.

Me too. We're actually
grabbing drinks tomorrow.

Great, yeah, you know, and I-I...

I care way more about that
than any of the details

of how we ended things,

or even whether they were accurate.

It seems like it was just a little
miscommunication on your part, is all.

Yeah, well, uh, Shannon aside,

I think it's important that I tell you

that there were a few others
before Heather.

And there may have been
a couple of broken hearts along the way.

Whatever you say, Ted.

Yeah... it's actually kinda funny,
because I was just going through my phone,

you know, to make some space,
and then I came across

this little back and forth
from a while ago.

I believe you, Ted.
You're still Dr. Casanova to me.

Okay, the tone of your voice
makes it seem like

-you don't believe a word you're saying.
-Okay, Ted!

[clears throat]

"Dear Melanie."

Melanie? Is this the girl
from the falafel place?

Yeah, I don't think that's relevant.

Ahem. "I've had a lot of fun
hanging out with you, and I really...

'fal-awful' saying this over text,

but I'm just not feeling strongly enough
to take this to the next level.

I'm sorry."

Pretty harsh. But it had to be done.

And then, um, she wrote...

-Oh, it doesn't matter what she wrote.
-"Cool!" Exclamation mark.

And it looks like you ended up
walking her dog for her?

[sighs] Well, she seemed really upset.

Listen, Ted,

I've gone through enough heartbreakers
for, like, two people's lifetimes.

And I don't want that anymore.

I want you.

And that cute little butt.

♪ Ohhhh... ♪

-Oh!
-Oh!

Yes, Tammy! Tammy, everybody!

It's Tammy! Yeah!

[gasps] Stevie, hi!

Oh...

-Hi!
-Hi.

Hi.

So... Emir asked me
if I wanted to stay the night.

Oh! [laughs] That sounds promising.

Yeah. Um, I thought
you were gonna go to bed?

Oh, no, I was, but then Tammy
kept buying shots,

and the whole room got behind me
in, like, a really big way.

Anyway, I have seven more songs to finish,

and some new fans
who would be very disappointed

if I don't close the show.

-Oh, Dana! Or is it David?
-Huh?

Listen, I just wanted you to know

that Stevie told me
what you did for her tonight.

Giving up your evening
so we could have some time together.

Anyway, it was really cool
of you to do it,

is what I'm saying,
and not just because, um,

we get to have a little sleepover
because of it.

[makes retching sound, laughs]

So to say thank you,
I took care of your room charges.

Oh, my God! Hello!

Um, hi! Can I get another drink then,
to the room, please? Thanks!

I actually just meant, like,
your mini-bar.

Oh, no, I finished that.

Hey, Tam! You want some zhampagne?!

Yeah. Two, please, drinks.

Okay, um... what do you say
we get up there, maybe do a little duet?

I feel like that's the kind of thing
you'd be totally comfortable with, right?

-Mm-hmm.
-Yeah, love that.

I think it's best if you guys
just sat down and watched.

-Oh, okay. Next time.
-Yeah.

-Off the hook for now.
-Mm-hmm.

Uno, Tammy! I think I'm going
to do this one by myself.

-Oh!
-Thank you so much, though.

-We'll call you back.
-Wow.

See you soon.
I would like to dedicate this one

to the lovers right over there!

-Okay...
-And good night.

[David] The la-la-lovers... Cue it up!

Okay, are you coming out?

Can you stop yelling, please?!
I had 14 polar bear shots last night.

Moira, do you want us to close our eyes?

Oh, my God.

Moira, it's gorgeous.

-Wasn't it shown with a veil?
-Oh, the veil's on its way.

Well, now that I see it on you,
I understand!

I feel like I'm waiting for the limo
to take us to your next red carpet event!

Well, sweetheart, if that's...

-If that's the dress you want, then, uh...
-It is.

But you're right, John, it's not the time.

So before I send her back,
take a mental picture.

And perhaps an actual picture as well?

-Anyone have a camera?
-Oh.

-Yes, yes.
-Oh, yes.

-Gimme, like, a mm!
-Mm!

-[camera clicks]
-Like, erm.

-Oh!
-Okay.

-Yeah, got it?
-[camera clicks]

Okay, that's it.

And if all goes to plan,
we'll meet again on the red carpet.

Ideally, sometime this year.

And those are the shoes we're going with?

What do you think? No.
Shoes, later. As well as jewels.

-[both gasp]
-What?