All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S05E03.WEB-DL.NF.en

First of all, welcome to my office.

Now I think we all know
that most VIP guests

wouldn't be caught dead
at a motel like this, no offense.

But I have been able to secure
a V-VIP guest.

Well, I'd go out on a limb

and say all of our guests
are very important, Alexis.

That's cute.

Anyway, Emir Kaplan
is a very influential travel blogger,

so it is of the utmost importance
that we all make him feel at home.

Hmm. Well, if he's looking
for that homey feeling,

I should just invite him over for dinner.

Joce is making pot roast.

All he'd have to bring
is a couple of sides,

a bottle of wine,
and something nice for the house.

Nothing cheap.

-The Road Less Traveled?
-It's a very famous blog.

He writes all about the best eats, stays,
and attractions off the beaten path.

Well, I don't want to second-guess
your publicity skills here, Alexis,

but I don't think it would hurt
to tilt the scales in our favor.

When we wanted to impress people
at Rose Video...

[groans] Okay. Coffee break.

...we'd sometimes hire actors
who would come in as plants,

-pretending to be--
-Customers! Yes!

Walk around, talk up whatever
they're paid to talk up.

I know, I was once paid to talk up

Heartblaster Energy Drink
at a Third Eye Blind concert.

I'm pretty sure we don't have
the budget for actors.

I mean, if you're looking to pay some guy
to lie about how great this motel is,

I'm happy to step in.

-Do we need Roland?
-Stevie!

You can be the plant.

You look like someone
who just wandered in off the road.

Thanks.

And Johnny can be our manager.

Okay, first of all, you've gotta stop
with the Johnny business, okay?

And secondly, I am the manager.

Okay, well, you should probably start
getting into character, then.

Okay, thanks.

Knock, knock. Everybody decent?

-Oh, my God!
-Once again, Ray,

saying "knock knock" is not the same thing
as actually knocking.

I'm just making breakfast
and I wanted to know

if I should make extra for you two.

-No, I think we're good.
-Yes...

Great! Door open or closed?

-Closed.
-[chuckles]

Okay, I thought you were gonna
talk to him about this.

I let very few people
see me before 9:00 a.m.

I did. The "knock knock"
is him taking the note.

Well, you might want to invest
in a "lock lock" then.

Mmm.

-Knock knock!
-Holy fuck!

I realized I don't have eggs,
but I do have pancake mix.

How do we feel about that?

Four, please.

David, you're constantly talking about
how much you eat.

But I've seen you walk
from the bedroom to the shower,

and you look fine.

Huh?

Okay, Ray, we-we might need a minute.

Of course. Door open or closed?

Closed.

-[door closes]
-Wow!

Okay, this is not working anymore.

I think it's time
we look for an apartment.

Oh. Okay, I mean, if that's what you want.

Well, I think it's more of a need
at this point, David.

I've been thinking about it for a while.

-Oh.
-[door opens]

Gentlemen, you're gonna laugh,
but I just remembered, we do have eggs.

They're in the pantry,
next to the pancake mix,

which means
they've been sitting out for days.

Are we feeling lucky?

Can I still have the pancakes?

Yes!

-Ray!
-Patrick?

Door closed.

Of course.

And Zeljko says,
"You eat, you expire pleasured."

[laughs]

You expire pleasured.

[Twyla] Okay.

What are we talking about today?
More Bosnia stories?

Yep, she never seems to run out of 'em.

Twyla, do you think it might be
too much of an imposition

to ask the chef to whip me up a kifla?

-What's a kifla?
-Oh, how best to describe it?

I don't think you need to.

Hi, y'all!

Oh, Ronnie, Moira,

I see you've ordered without me,
makes sense,

because I was seven minutes late!

Well, we've yet to put in our kifla order,
if you're peckish.

Oh, I can't stay.

I actually might not be able
to make it to rehearsal today.

Roland was supposed to watch the baby,
but he's got tied up at the motel, so...

Oh, Jocelyn,
if you can't make it to rehearsal,

no one's gonna hold that against you.

Yeah, the baby comes first.

Well, I just feel bad
because we really need to rehearse

that Nine Inch Nails medley
for our concert at "Yarn for Cheap."

I'd be more than happy
to spearhead that effort, Jocelyn.

After collaborating so closely
with the director on Crows,

I feel even more finely attuned

to the fluctuations
of the human condition.

Okay, it's just,
I thought that was sort of my--

Even if you miss a performance, Jocelyn,
there will be others!

And don't worry about your solo, Jocelyn.
I know it by heart.

I actually sing it quietly
every time you do it.

I know, Twyla. And it's not that quiet.

Anyways,
I guess I get to sit this one out.

[baby wails]

Aw, looks like somebody's up.

No rest for the wicked.

Well, these days,
either he's crying, or I am.

[laughs] Okay.

See you l-l-later.

-Bye!
-Bye!

I'll get the door!
I'm-I'm sorry, excuse me.

Okay.

Welcome to the Rosebud Motel, Mr. Kaplan.
Johnny Rose, and it's a pleasure to, uh--

Johnny is our manager,

so just let me know
if you need anything from him.

And this is Roland.
He is our Guest Services Liaison.

Yes, and it's actually
pronounced "lee-as-on."

And my name is actually
pronounced "Ro-lahnd."

And if there's anything you need,
please tell me.

Room service, turndown service,
valet service--

Okay, Ro-lahnd, those are a few items
that might be tricky to pull off,

but we do have coffee
and pastries every morning.

Oh, great, that, uh--

that should beat the black mold
I had for breakfast at my last motel.

[laughs uproariously]

[laughs]

Ro-lahnd, why don't you
show Mr. Kaplan to his room?

Oh, yes, formidab-le.

If you would, uh, how do you say,

um, voulez-vous with me, please.

I'll show you to your room.

Right this way, we have you
in our most deluxe suite.

Suite number four is, uh...

-[gasps]
-Ah! Miss Felming...ton.

Enjoying your stay?

Yes.

Okay, Ro-lahnd, Johnny,

we should let our guests
continue chatting.

Ro-lahnd, this way.

Here you go.

Thank you.

I think you're really gonna like it here.

It's clean, and the service is good.

Yeah.

Anyway, I'm just staying here as a guest.

It's always good to know
who your neighbors are

in a place like this, you know.

It's kind of a roll of the dice,
but, uh...

You seem somewhat normal.

-Thank you for saying that.
-Well...

Everyone agreed that I was the normal one

in my cell block
at the women's prison, so...

Oh, wow. Which prison?
Maybe you know my wife.

I don't-- I'm kidding.
I don't have a wife... anymore.

-Oh, disappeared?
-I'll never stop looking.

I'm Emir.

Stevie.

Stevie. Hi, Stevie. Nice to meet you.

Oh, David.

We have a V-VIP staying with us
at the moment.

So do you mind staying
at Patrick's tonight?

Your vibe can be a bit intense.

Um, excuse me?
If anything, I'm a selling point.

And Patrick's is a no-go.

In fact, he just texted me
the address of a new apartment

that we might be going to see
together later, so...

Um, did I leave a Q-tip in,

or did you just tell me that you guys
are getting an apartment together?

Hey, we're just going to look.

Yeah, and Adam Levine and I
just went for bubble tea.

I'm feeling very apprehensive
about the whole thing,

like, I never saw myself
living with someone.

That makes total sense,

considering how nobody you dated
ever expressed any interest in that.

I'm pretty sure I can think of someone.
By the end of the day, so...

David, I think this could
be good for you guys.

And also I know you're thinking, like,

"Alexis is becoming a major girl boss,

and is she just saying this

so she can expand her home office
when I move out?"

I actually wasn't thinking that at all.

Anyway, David,

your boyfriend asks you
to move in with him, you do it.

I know.

Also, do you have, like, a time frame
as to when that might happen?

No, I don't.

-[Jazzagals] Yes! Yeah!
-[clapping]

Oh, my God, so moody.

Love it! Now, Ronnie?

The line has been changed to,
"I want to kiss you like an animal."

I'll remember it on the day.

I say we wrap things up on a high.

Ladies, scour your closets
for black leather.

Pleather accepted.

[panting] I'm here!

I've got a sitter!

Oh, Jocelyn, I'm afraid
that dirigible has ascended.

But I'm here on time.

Yes, you are,
but we started an hour early.

Ronnie has a massage.

You moved the rehearsal
for Ronnie's massage?

Well, it was also conducive
to Twyla's schedule.

It's hard for her to juggle,
what with the café.

Oh, is it hard for her? To juggle?

And none of you here thought to tell me
about this little time change?

You said you couldn't make it
because of the bebe.

We could start rehearsal over.

Oh, no!

Don't make any changes on my account.

I mean, you've gotta get to the café,
and Ronnie's gotta have a massage!

I have sciatica.

I ran all over town
looking for a babysitter!

Oh...

Pulled a number off a telephone pole.

She's a pet sitter,
but she said she'd make an exception.

I don't even know her last name!

Jocelyn, that sounds dangersome.

I didn't wanna miss this rehearsal!

But do any of you care? Apparently not!

Because all of you have been acting...

like a bunch of... b-words!

[Jazzagals gasp]

Okay.

Evidently, one or two of you
have gotten under her skin.

I'll handle it.

Hey, Johnny?

Our VIP is still in his room,

so we should probably hold off
on the turndown service.

What turndown service?

Oh, that's just a little something
I've initiated

now that I'm Guest Services Manager.

I thought you were a liaison.

No, I gave myself a promotion.

Hey, Stevie, what's the intel?

Uh... well, I had a nap, then a beer,

and now I need $40.

What are you doing,
buying a wedding dress?

Uh, Emir would like me
to go to lunch with him.

What? No!

-You don't have to do that!
-Oh, jeez.

It's fine. It's just lunch.

No, Stevie, this is going way too far.

Um, what's going on?

Oh, Johnny's forcing Stevie

into a very uncomfortable situation
with a strange man.

Ugh. Okay, fine, I'll tap in.
Who are we talking about?

Emir, and I'm fine to go.

Stevie, I would go in your place,
it's just,

my afternoon is gonna be kinda crazy
with all the turndowns.

No, I want to go!
So can I just have the $50?

I thought it was $40.

I also need shampoo.

Body lice, you know, from the sheets.
That'll get you a bad review.

I've-I've contracted it a few times.

-It's not pretty.
-Wow.

What I love about this conversation
is how well it goes with lunch.

Yeah, okay, this is not my A-material.

But then again, I don't normally
ask women out when I'm on the job.

Okay, you're telling me
that you review motels for a living,

and you've never met anyone?

Okay, this may shock you, but, uh...

a lot of the people
that you meet in motels

are not exactly like...

Not like what?

-Well, they're not like you.
-Oh, yeah.

Smart, charming, dazzling sense of humor.

I was gonna say modest, but...

[both laugh]

So what brings you to town?

Uh, just driving...

to meet my sister...

in Florida.

Anyway, what about you?

-Do you like what you do?
-I do, for the most part.

You know, I like to keep a low profile
when I'm on the road.

I find if people know
that I'm coming in advance,

they tend to put on a big show,
and I never know what's genuine, so...

Yeah, that must be tough.

Okay, I don't even know
where to start with this menu.

I'm a plant. [sighs heavily]

I'm sorry?

You were talking about
never knowing what's genuine, and, uh...

I can't keep this up.

I work at the motel,

and my coworkers thought
it would be a good idea

for me to, like, talk up the motel.

Uh, but the more we talked,
the worse I felt.

[exhales]

So you cracked
before we even ordered drinks?

Yeah. It turns out I'm really bad at this.

-Ah.
-[laughs]

Anyway, I'll leave you to lunch.

Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, hang on a second.

Okay, look, the problem is,
I eat most of my meals by myself.

So when there's a beautiful woman
sitting across from me,

even if she is a con artist,

I welcome the company.

Please.

Okay.

Gals, let's welcome our dear friend,
Jocelyn, back into the circle.

Oh, should we be in a circle?

It's not top secret.

We all know Jocelyn
has trouble being honest.

Do we all know that?

Wrong word, okay. Authentic.

-I think I can take it from here, Moira.
-All right, then.

Gals, since the baby,
things have just been really tough.

That's good, that's good, expand on that.

Okay, and I feel like sometimes

that my voice isn't being heard
in this group.

Touch louder, Jocelyn.

Just because I don't ask for your help,

doesn't mean that I don't need it!

Just a little more specific,
we're all here to help you.

Okay, okay, well, Ronnie.

I know that you've been getting
a lot of massages lately,

because they're supposed to help
with your bad back

and stabilize your mood,
but I haven't noticed an improvement!

And sometimes you sing too softly.

Agree to disagree.

-And Twyla--
-I'm sorry, I'll sing louder.

Nope, you are singing too loud.

Wonderful. Let it out, Jocelyn.

-And Moira.
-Okay, we can stop it there for today.

We are all sick and tired
of hearing about Bosnia.

Yep.

It's Bosnia this, and Crows that,
and Blajka--

We're just grasping
at straws now, Jocelyn.

But this has been a fruitful exercise.
Don't we all feel better?

Look at Twyla. Look how moved she is.

Oh, no, I'm fine.

I've actually seen a few photos
of this place.

It looks pretty good.

Yeah, the facade would indicate otherwise,
but I trust you on this.

You know, when I moved here
and got a room with Ray,

I didn't know how long
I was gonna be staying.

-Mm-hmm.
-And now here we are.

For me, this is bittersweet,
because on the one hand,

I could lose you as a roommate, Patrick,

but on the other,
I would gain the commission.

[laughs]

As you can see, this is open concept.

Oh, wow. It's good, eh, David?

I thought this was the penthouse.

Uh, it is the top floor of three floors.

You said this was a one-bedroom.

It is, in the sense
that it's a one-bed room.

Any more beds, and you'd be in trouble.

Although bunk beds can be fun.

Fireplace?

Yeah, which I'm sure
would heat the room quite quickly,

considering it's just one big...

open space.

I like the exposed brick.

-It's actually a pretty decent size.
-Yeah.

Speaking of size,
Ray, I've yet to see a closet.

Is there a... Is there a walk-in
that I'm missing?

Oh, the closet is right over here.

This is what small-space realtors refer to
as a "step-in" closet.

What do you think, David?

-It's pretty perfect, huh?
-Yeah, it's pretty.

Y-Yeah.

Not to jeopardize our review any further,
but would you mind not blowing my cover?

Don't worry, I got it.

[gasps] Look who's back in da house!

Safe and sound, Ms. Felmington.

Feeling okay about everything?

That's a weird thing to say,
but yes, I am.

I turned down your bed for you,
but I didn't have any chocolates,

so I left a doggie bag
of pot roast on your pillow.

Oh. Well, that's, uh...
unnecessarily generous of you, Ro-lahnd.

You know, I did have
a couple of requests, actually.

Yes, of course.

I was wondering if Ro-lahnd
could make a reservation

at the café tonight
for Ms. Felmington and I?

Uh... hmm!

Do we have sign-off from Ms. Felmington?

We do.

Great. One more thing.
You mentioned room service.

I would love an English breakfast tea
to the room,

and maybe one for Ms. Felmington.

Oh, absolutely.

Johnny, Emir would like some tea,
and so would Ms. Felmington.

Yes, and I'll show you
where you can find that...

Ro-lahnd.

Mrs. Felmington,
may I speak with you for a minute?

I'm really tired. Can this wait?

Mm-hmm.

Thanks.

Hmm.

So, dinner tonight?

Yeah, yeah, if it's all right with you,

I-I wouldn't mind getting to know
the real Ms. Felmington a little more.

It is all right with me.

Although it is a little unethical,
just between you and I,

so why don't I go write this review,

and then I won't have to
feel guilty later?

-Okay.
-Okay? All right.

-After you.
-Oh! Oh! That's... not my room.

Right, yeah, sorry. I didn't mean to.

I mean, I know it's, like, the first place
that we've looked at, but...

there's just something
very homey about it to me.

Yeah, a sentiment shared by inmates
after their first couple years in jail.

Okay, so you hate it.

No. No.

No, it's just if I've learned anything
from House Hunters,

you always have to see the loft space,
the charming English cottage,

and the renovated craftsman
that you don't really wanna take,

but the producers are gonna
force you to see anyway,

before you make any major decisions.

Gentlemen,
I have one more thing to show you.

How are we still on this fucking tour?!

-Just...
-You'll thank me later,

but, uh, no more worrying
about door open, door closed.

All you have to do is open the curtain...

-[gasps]
-...to the bathroom!

Ray, can we just have a moment?

Absolutely.
I'll just wait in the bathroom.

Curtain open, or curtain closed?

-Oh, closed!
-Closed, I think.

Mm-hmm.

Don't worry,
we'll be putting a door on there.

But I don't know if I wanna
put a door on the bathroom!

I don't know if I love this place.

And I'm not just saying that

because the lack of closet space
will inevitably force us to break up.

I just sorta feel like...

if we're going to be moving in together,

we should both be totally on board.

I totally understand, David.

Good.

It's just that I was looking
at this place, like...

just for me.

Oh.

Okay, it's just that you had said
that we were going to see p-places.

Right, yeah, so, like,
more of a general "we."

Because I knew that you'd be
staying over here quite a bit,

and that you'd probably
have an opinion about it.

Sure. Well, then, you know,

in that case, if this is just for you,
and occasionally me...

[laughs]

I think it's cute.

Wait, does this mean that
you were ready to move in with me?

-No.
-No? Hmm.

No, it's a closet space
and a timing thing.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

So... you know, maybe we can
negotiate down the line...

-at some point.
-Hmm.

[Ray] I can barely hear your conversation.

Are we sure we want the door?

-Are you sure?
-Up to you.

There's a little piece of press
you might wanna read.

Oh, if I've died again, I swear to God!

We are a "must-stay."

What?!

"The Rosebud Motel is a must-stay
for any road-tripper or weary traveler.

This charming,
lovingly restored roadside motel

is a welcome pit-stop for anyone

looking for a clean room
and first-rate hospitality."

Compared to what, a haunted house?

"In fact, Johnny Rose
and his Guest Services Manager

will go almost too far out of their way
to ensure a pleasant stay."

How do I sign up
for this turndown service?

Is there a clipboard or something?