All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S05E02.WEB-DL.NF.en

-[crickets chirping]
-[dog barking]

[door opens]

[Moira] John! Are you awake?

-John!
-What? What's happening?

Your wayfaring thespian has returned!

I-I don't wanna jinx anything,
but the shoot was a triumph.

The local Bosnians are calling it
a stunning reinvigoration

of the Crows Have Eyes franchise.

That, of course, is a loose translation.

Oh, well, that sounds great, sweetheart.

John, no need to get out of bed, dear.

I'm sure you considered planning

a little more fanfare
for my return, but...

Oh, it's best to ease back in.

It's 3:30 in the morning.
You said you were coming in today at noon.

Yes! Noon Bosnian Mountain Time, that is!

Which was several hours ago, John.

Oh, and what a journey it has been!

Production had me routed through Nairobi
for some reason,

and then our plane was grounded
after flying through a swarm of locusts.

I didn't want to miss my third connection,

so I took a Bosnian upper
just to keep awake.

Those things are the size of a nickel,
so I only took one.

At least, I think I did.

I may have taken a second one
just to be safe,

because I don't know
if I took that first one or not.

Either way, I've been up
since 8:00 a.m. three days ago,

with time changes factored in,
and I couldn't be happier to see you!

Oh!

Well, Moira, it sounds like
a nightmare of a trip.

Why don't we leave the unpacking
till tomorrow,

and just get some rest?

Good idea.

-Kids!
-No, Moira, it's 3:30.

David! Alexis!

-Oh! Who is it?
-Oh, my God, what?!

I don't know what you kids
are still doing up so late.

I didn't want to disturb you,

I just wanted you to know that
Mummy got home safe and sound!

-Okay, good night.
-Great.

Okay, if you insist, one quick story.

So, day three of shooting, Hamza and I
find ourselves stuck in a hailstorm--

Oh, my God, not tonight.
Thank you, though.

I'm sorry, kids, your mother's had
a rough couple of days.

Moira, why don't we get to bed,
sweetheart?

Ooh, frisky, John.

-Oh! Bye!
-Ewww!

-Eww.
-Ugh!

[Moira] No! No one would believe this!

These cannot be real!

What's going on?

Well, instead of sleeping last night,
I decided to power right through.

You know, best to round up
to an even four days.

And while I was doing
some light reorganization,

I came upon this stack of love letters

written to your father by another woman.

-Okay.
-Best not to be concerned, Alexis.

I'm sure there's a logical
explanation for all of this.

-I'm sure there is.
-Yes.

Some of them! Some of them are even funny!

Listen. Where's that one? Oh! Read this.

[cackles wildly]

[clears throat]

"Dearest John-John,
I'm lying here, stuck, sweaty.

All I can think about is you,
and the last night we spent together,

bed shaking..." Ew!

Why are you making me read this?

-I know, right?
-Eww!

Before your father met me,
he was not quite so selective.

I hesitate to add,

he even had a predilection
for boom-boom girls!

Okay, I would like to remind you
that I don't have a therapist anymore.

No, as you said,

there's a logical explanation
for all of this.

No, you've said that, like,
three times now.

So I think it's probably for the best

that we put these down,
and we go have a nap, okay?

-Yes. You're right.
-Mm-hm.

You're right, Alexis,
you're always so right.

[sighs]

Okay.

All right.

[sighs]

Just a few more, just to lull me to sleep.
That's all.

[car engine starts]

[light jazz music plays]

[bell on door jingles]

Good morning.
Is there something I can help you with?

Yeah, I'd like you to open
your cash register

and give me your money!

Okay, small problem.
Um, our money isn't for sale.

-I'm robbing you!
-Thought so, yeah. Um...

I'm gonna ask you one more time.

Hey! Hey! Where do you think
you're going?!

Here.

[David] So here's the problem.

Our till doesn't currently
have any cash in it,

because my partner is at the bank
getting money for the float.

What about you, what do you have?

A wallet full of debt.

Can someone put something
in a bag, please?!

Um, we only have cloth totes.
I hope that's okay.

-Whatever!
-Would you like some wine?

Okay, yeah, yes, put some booze in a bag.

Do you drink red wine or white wine?

-Maybe some chilled rosé in the back?
-I'll get it!

[man] I'm not letting you go
into the back!

What else?

Cheese goes good with wine.

Suddenly she's a sales associate.

Would you like some cheese?

Uh, yeah, I'll take some cheese.

God forbid he be specific.

I guess throw in some brie,
some aged cheddar.

Uh, that tapenade goes good with the brie.

Tapenade's great, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Do you have bad skin?
-Yeah, sure, just hurry it up!

There you go.

Could you help the man with the door?
His hands are full.

Sorry. Thank you.

Okay, thank you.

[door shuts]

Why do I feel like we did something wrong?

-[birds chirping]
-[dog barking]

Look at you all dressed up,
Mr. Sporty Spice.

Uh, yeah, I'm dressed for the run
that we're supposed to be going on,

but I don't think you can run in those.

Tell that to me at 21,
escaping the Yakuza.

So that's a no on the run, then?

Okay, honestly, Ted,
I've had a very traumatic morning at home,

so going on a run is, like,
the last thing that I wanna do.

Also, I forgot.

Okay, well, that's actually, like, scary,

because we texted about it
twice last night and twice this morning.

But anyway, is everything okay?

Like, other than reading
some very porny love letters

that someone sent my dad, sure.

Like, who holds on to things like that?

I've held on to some things.

Oh, my God, should I be worried?

Well, I-I did keep this waterproof watch
that Heather gave me.

Okay, I asked if I should be worried.

I don't know,
I think it's kind of romantic

to hang on to things
from old relationships.

I've certainly kept some things
from our past.

Ted!

I take it that you haven't?

Um, harsh. I for sure have.

Yeah, it's just that your face is doing
some pretty weird stuff right now.

No-- Because you put me on the spot!

There's, like, a very long list
of things that I've kept.

Oh, really?

Like what?

Like... that empty book that you gave me.

-The journal?
-Yes! The journal.

And very likely some jewelry.

Like a ring, or...

-A locket?
-Yes.

The locket you gave me.
I kept that the most.

Oh, yeah, it's just funny,
I don't think I've ever seen you wear it.

I'm just so scared of losing it.

That makes sense.

Okay, well, you have a run to go on,

so I should probably go
and update my journal.

You've never written
in a journal, have you?

No, but, um, one time I did do
a book report on David's diary,

and it was very dark. Okay?

[door closes]

[door closes]

Jocelyn!

Moira, you're back.

Did you just let yourself in?

I have been knocking on your door
since the beginning of time!

Although now that I'm standing here,

it's equally possible
I didn't knock at all.

I suppose we'll never know, will we?

Ah! Sorry.

-I just need to catch my breath.
-Oh, as do I.

I don't know if you know what it's like
to be mortally deprived of one's sleep!

I haven't slept in eight months.

-Why's that?
-Because of the baby.

I've had a bit of a rebirth myself
in Bosnia.

I hope it wasn't as painful as mine.

The music, Jocelyn.

In Bosni-wood, as the industry
will soon be calling it,

I... I picked up some beautiful Sevdah

that I absolutely must teach
to the Jazzigals!

Would you like to hear me sing
a traditional love song?

I-I would. It's just
the baby's sleeping, so--

Shh.

[singing in Bosnian]

[sings mournful tune]

Yeah... it's a sad one.

I would be feeling it too, if I knew...
what the heck you were singing about.

[laughs]

Oh...

What are these?

Oh, just some old love letters,

written by another woman,
onto which John has been clutching.

Wow, I have been down this road.

I once found a bag
of Roland's ex-girlfriends' bras.

Burned them.

Except for the ones that were my size.

But this is incomparable, Jocelyn,

because there's a perfectly logical
explanation for this!

Oh, there always is.

Whoo! Wow.

[laughs] This little "butterfly"
is quite the writer.

It's like 50 Shades of Johnny Rose!

Holy cow.

You know, I've never been robbed before,
and I had friends that lived in Brooklyn.

Yeah... that was a robbery, right?

I mean, we were robbed. Right?

Yeah! Someone walked out of here
with two bags of product.

I mean, I don't know
what else you'd call it.

I mean, he had a weapon, right?

Yeah! Yes.

I mean, it must've been in his pocket,

because he used both hands
to carry the bags out of the store, but...

I can't believe
you just offered him the wine.

You offered him the skin care!

We don't know what was going on
under that mask!

He could've had perfect skin.

I can't believe this happened.
I was gone for, like, 45 minutes.

Are you guys sure you're okay?

Surprisingly, yes.

-Yeah, I'm not.
-Thanks.

I'm very startled.

It just doesn't make any sense.

I mean, I can understand taking the wine,
but who steals a jar of tapenade?

-And the brie?!
-Yeah, the brie.

Stevie? The brie?

Well, at least we know
if the cops don't get him,

his cholesterol will.

Well, there's no need to keep
talking about it now.

You guys are gonna have to
go through this all again

in much more detail
when the police get here.

Yeah, I, um,

I don't know if going to the police is...
is necessary at this point.

If we want any insurance money
for the things that were stolen,

you have to explain everything
to the police.

-Right.
-I was pretty much in the back

while all of this was going down, so...

Mm, I remember you being
pretty involved, actually.

Yeah, well, between the two of you,
I'm pretty sure you can piece it together.

Yeah. Right? So...

Hey, Twy?
I've always admired your jewelry game.

You just, like, pick a few pieces
and just wear them to death.

Oh, if you're talking about my earrings,
the clasp broke,

so I actually physically
cannot take them off.

Okay, I am experiencing the same problem.

All of my jewelry is boring.

Is that what I said?

So way back when,
all of my girlfriends and I

used to throw the diamonds
we got from our parents on a table

and just do, like, a big jewelry swap.

[sighs]

I wish I had someone
in this town to swap with.

Yeah, I used to think that
a lot growing up

when I'd see other kids
with their families.

Okay, you just gave me a great idea!

Why don't we do a jewelry swap?

Well, I do have a large collection
of my grandfather's hospital bracelets.

Yum! Um, but I also love
that cute little locket around your neck.

Well, that makes sense,
because you gave it to me for Christmas,

and I wear it every day.

Yeah, and I always think, like,
what would I look like in it?

S-So, do you want the locket?

No, Twy, I got it for you.

But what I'm saying is, let's swap for it.

I have a toe ring
that would look so cute on you!

We're not allowed to wear
open-toed shoes, but, um...

maybe I could... take that bracelet?

Yes! Um, I actually got this
in a swap with Sienna Miller.

And by that I mean it fell off her wrist
at a Halloween party, and I kept it.

Well, maybe I could come over
on my lunch break

and we can swap some more stuff!

-Yes, Twy!
-[laughs]

I mean, I actually thought this would be,
like, a one-for-one situation,

but if you want to open it up...

-Let me help you with that.
-Oh, that's okay, I got it.

No, the necklace.

Oh, right now?

Okay...

[door opens, shuts]

-What are you doing?
-Uh...

word on the street is that

you're in a little hot water
with Moira, huh?

No, everything's fine with Moira.
I just thought she was coming in today.

Look, Johnny, everybody likes
to take trips down memory lane,

but you gotta get rid of the evidence.

Do you know what
a burnt underwire smells like?

Okay, Roland, I actually don't know
what you're talking about.

Those spicy letters from Miss Butterfly
that you left out for Moira to find.

How do you know about those letters?

Well, Moira's out showing 'em around town.

Jocelyn's read 'em.

She told me about some very racy parts,
young man.

Moira is showing my letters?

-Yeah, I was talking to Bob about it.
-Why were you talking to Bob about it?

We're trying to save your marriage, bud!

Although, Gwen thinks
it's probably a lost cause.

She thinks you might be a sexaholic.

Okay, first of all,
everyone should mind their own business

and stay out of my affairs.

Affairs, plural? Oh.

There's no affair, okay?

Now, would you unlock the door
and open the blind?

Jeez, Johnny, I'm on your side, pal.

Unless things get messy.

In that case, I'm gonna be
on Moira's side. [clucks tongue]

So I guess it was sort of like a...
a low-end poly-blend hooded sweatshirt

in what I could only describe
as an aubergine color.

And just in case he changes his outfit,

do you have a rough idea
of his physical description?

Right, um...

Well, I guess, my build.

-That's being generous.
-If I was at my goal weight.

Officer, they mentioned
there was a weapon involved.

-Can you describe the weapon?
-You describe it.

Well, if there was a weapon,
it was concealed.

Yeah, so, you know, it's--

It's sort of hard to describe
a concealed weapon.

Yeah, I mean, if we could tell you
what it looked like,

he wouldn't be doing a good job
of concealing it.

[laughs nervously] Yeah!

So let me get this straight.

You have no idea what it looks like,

or whether there was one
in the first place.

You guys said you were held up!

Emotionally!

I mean, I don't know if there was a gun,

but it was still a robbery,
he was wearing a mask.

And would we not all agree
that words are weapons?!

Okay, so you offered the wine,

and you offered the cheese
and the tapenade,

and there was no gun?

This guy just sounds like
a lucky customer, David!

-You know what? I am just gonna...
-[pen scratches]

...file this report,

and you can follow up
if you have any more information.

Yes.

[Patrick sighs]

-[door shuts]
-[David clears throat]

So you upsold the robber.

I did not! I didn't even tell him

about the vintage wines
we have in the back.

-Oh.
-[Stevie] Speaking of...

I think we should probably open
one of those bottles,

just to calm the nerves.

-Yeah.
-I thought you had to go to work.

Great. Great stuff, you guys.

[voices on TV]

[laughs]

-Can I have some more popcorn?
-Oh, sure.

Oh, don't worry, I'll get it.

I, uh, see you're wearing the locket.

Oh! I don't know. Am I?

Oh, right.

Well, you proved me wrong, Alexis.

And I have to say, I'm kind of relieved,

because that means that you also kept
my favorite photo of the two of us.

I keep that photo in a locked folder
on my phone.

No, no, I'm talking about
the one in the locket.

Hmm!

Now, this appears to be a photo of Twyla.

Yes... I put that there.

Because Twyla is an important friend.

And Twyla's mom?

Is her important friend.

You gave the locket to Twyla, didn't you?

Okay, I would've kept it.

But the necklace just kept reminding me
of all the bad things that I'd done,

and then Twyla gave me a Christmas gift,
and I didn't have anything to give her--

Okay, Alexis, I think we should just agree
to stop feeling bad about our past,

and just focus on the future.

Yes, Ted.

And, in that spirit,
I should probably tell you

that I didn't actually keep
everything that you gave me.

That's fine.

Yeah, after the breakup, I, uh...

well, I took some of your stuff
to the incinerator,

along with some pets
that needed to be cremated.

-Ew.
-And you think you feel bad?

The wallet that you gave me
was still in there,

and I had forgotten to take
some of the cards out,

and I was actually only one stamp away
from a free sub, so...

Okay, well,
if it makes you feel any better,

that was David's wallet.

[Ted laughs]

[door opens]

Well, well, "John-John" returns.

Okay, Moira, don't tell me
you still haven't slept.

What would give you that impression?

Sweetheart, you've got to find a way
of getting some sleep!

Easier said than done, John,

when your only husband is longing
for his epistle-writing inamorata.

You know what, if you had taken a nap
and cleared your head

instead of running around town
showcasing our personal business--

When we were herded from our home

and forced to grab
what few precious items we could,

you chose to grab those letters!

-That's right.
-Who is this woman?!

Oh... okay.

If you must know,
she's someone who's very important to me.

Oh?

Moira, you wrote those letters!

Don't be absurd! That is not my writing!

It was that week on Sunrise Bay
when Vivian Blake had her accident.

You were in a body cast.
They wouldn't let you take it off.

You were writing with your left hand!

The spelunking incident.

No.

It was after she got thrown upwards
through a skylight.

-Ah.
-Look.

"I'm lying here in bed,
I can't move, I miss you."

It's all there, Moira.

You're telling me
none of this rings a bell?

In my defense, John,
I had asked for actual painkillers

to help ease me
into my character's plight.

But why are you reading them now?

[sighs]

I was missing you,

so I took out the letters,

because reading them made me feel like
you were still here with me.

Oh, you're too sweet.

Unfortunately, we're going to have to
stick with my version of the events.

What? Why would we do that?

I don't want anyone thinking
I wrote these!

Well, I don't want people thinking

I'm reading
some other woman's love letters!

Well, it'll give you an edge.

No one will ever accuse you
of being vanilla again.

Who's saying that?

Now, kids, I understand you both have read
a somewhat adult-themed correspondence

between a loving wife and her husband?

Yeah, and I'd prefer
if you could stop talking about it.

This is why I think
it's best to torch everything

from past failed relationships.

I'd hardly call this
a failed relationship, David.

We're still here, 35 years later.

Okay, here we go.

I know you asked for a small,
but I "swapped it" for a large.

Twyla, may I say,
you are looking very chic.

[Johnny] Would you look at that?

That looks like the tiara
you wore at your bat mitzvah, Alexis.

Well, I had a little help from a friend.

We should probably coordinate a time
to swap everything back.

Oh, don't worry, I'm fine.

[giggles]

And what exactly did you get
out of this fun swap?

I got Twyla's step-brother's dog tags.

-And a whistle.
-[Moira] Caw!

Oh! [speaking Bosnian]

Is she okay?

Yeah, she's just sleeping.

Well, I'm ready to order.

Okay, can somebody close her eyelids,
at least? Please?

[snoring]