All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S05E01.WEB-DL.NF.en

[birds chirp]

[cell phone rings]

Kids! Your mother's on the phone
and it's her first day on set,

so let's all make sure
we keep her spirits high, okay?

-Alexis, come on.
-Mr. Rose, I think you should answer it.

Yeah, she's over there all by herself,
so it's gotta be stressful, right?

-I mean, the jet lag, and--
-Oh, my God, answer the phone!

-That's why--
-Answer the phone, please!

Put her on speaker,
how do you put her on speaker?

-Arghhh!
-Speaker, speaker.

Yeah, hello? Moira?

[Moira] John? Hello? Hello?

[John on phone] Moira?
David, I don't think she can hear me!

John, are you there?

Yeah, I'm here, everybody's here.

I was expecting
to hear from you yesterday.

Kids, say hi to your mother.

-Hey.
-Hi.

-She-she's not my mother.
-Who are those voices?

Uh, your children!

Oh, Alexis, do you have strep again?

-That was David!
-Is that Stevie?

Hi.

David! Oh, David, how's the store?

Any new customers,
or is it still friendless?

Okay, thank you.

And John, I know how disoriented
you get in my absence.

Don't forget I left you that Sudoku book.

Yeah, well,
I haven't needed it, sweetheart,

because I've been up since 5:00 a.m.
There's so much to do here at the motel.

But listen, how are you doing?

I mean, how does it feel
to be back in the saddle?

Oh, John, there's a sweetness in the air,
and I'm not just saying that

because we shoot
next to a baklava factory.

[snapping] Kids!

Do you wanna put
those magazines back, please?

-No.
-[knock on door]

Excellent, Hamza!
Darlings, I must sign off.

I'm finally getting my tête-à-tête
with the director.

He's some up-and-coming
pretty young thing out of New York.

Well, sounds like your kind of people.

Yes! You come up with some real money,
you can attract the best.

Well, zbogom, John!
That's good-bye in the mother tongue!

Okay, well, I'll sign off too, sweetheart.

Lots to do, but wishing you an exciting--

[call beeps off]

Okay, yep. Miss you, too.

She already hung up.

Oh! Burn, Dad!

Oh, my God, that's so embarrassing,
you must feel ridiculous.

You better remember
which nails you pulled those wigs from,

because your mother keeps a spreadsheet.

-David?
-[gasps]

Come here, please.

-I have a concern.
-Oh! Um, no.

Your natural deodorant isn't working.

Stop, David! No, come here.

-Sit!
-What?

-Um...
-What?

I just wanted to make sure that everything
was okay between you and Patrick.

Yeah! Why? Why? What did-
what did he say to you?

No, nothing. I just got...

scared when I saw your score
on this relationship quiz.

Oh, my God!

Because according to M'Lady Magazine,

"How Electric Is Your Relationship" quiz
from summer 1991,

you and Patrick are
"In Need of a Generator!" Poor thing!

Okay, first of all,
it's Major Lady Magazine,

and second of all, that quiz is garbage.

Mm, totally, David.

This garbage quiz that it looks like
you took more than once.

Yeah, because it's rigged.

You could take it 1,000 times,
you'd still get the same outcome.

Oh, it's okay, David.

You and Patrick have settled in
to that, like, nine-to-five life,

so things are probably starting
to feel a little snooze-town.

You're dating a vet
who irons his polo shirts.

Um, Ted and I got
"Electrical Storm." So...

That's impossible.
What did you do to get that?

Did you plug your hair dryer in
with wet hands again?

Hey, that happened twice, David.
Let it go.

Sorry that we work hard
to keep the sparks flying.

That's disgusting.

We've actually started taking
every Friday afternoon off

to go on "adventure dates."

"Adventure dates" sound like something

a marriage counselor would prescribe
as a last resort.

Okay, fine.

I was gonna see if you guys
wanted to join us this afternoon,

but you probably have
more exciting things to do,

like putting price tags on things, and--

It's merchandising day, actually.

Oh!

Where are you going, anyway?

Ted booked us a tour of Elm Falls Park,
which is, like, a super-cute look for us.

Sounds dumb.

Fine, text me the information,
and I'll see if we're interested.

Oh! David? It could be worse.

You guys could be a "Total Power Failure."

Mm! Eat glass.

[door slams]

Caw! Caw! My teamster brethren!

Yes, it's me, if you can believe it!

[dog barks]

[woman laughs]

[low hum of chatter]

[knocks]

[door latch clicks]

Okay, I told the producers
I would approve background on set.

Oh! And I shall tell them the same.

You must be Blair. No last name.

Doctor Clara Beatrice Mandrake
at your service.

Middle name wasn't scripted,
but I've done my homework.

Okay. So, you're Rose, then?

Moira Rose.
And I see what's happening here.

Break me down just to build me up again!

Like Stan Kubrick did to Shelley.

Okay, I'm not really into games,
and I'm due on set in an hour,

so can whatever this is
can wait till then?

I imagine script revisions might be
something you'd like to sign off on

before the first clap of the boards.

There's a problem with the script?

Well, just a few character adjustments.

[laughs] I'm kidding.

The script's a total dumpster fire,
of course.

Hah! If the script were garbage,
I don't believe we'd have signed on.

It's an apocalyptic fantasy
about mutant crows.

I think we all know
what we're making here.

A timely allegory about prejudice.

-Okay, Maura, is it?
-Moira.

My last picture
was a $50 million studio project.

I think it's safe to say
that this is not that.

And what exactly is this to you, then?

A trip to Bora Bora.

I see. Bora Bora.

Caroline Kennedy once called it
the Atlantic City of French Polynesia.

Okay, let's just cash our paychecks,
and pray no one ever sees this, yeah?

[dog barks]

Morning, Stevie.

I'm just here to submit
my letter of resignation.

Okay, you can just leave it
right here on the desk.

Well, I haven't actually written it yet.

But I guess I can just
dictate it to you right now.

Um, "To whom it may concern."

Sorry, Roland,
why exactly are you quitting?

Well, I would rather quit
than come in here every day

and be humiliated!

I mean, I come to work,
and Johnny's out there doing all my jobs!

Yeah, he's been... buzzing around
ever since Mrs. Rose left.

Yeah, exactly!

I mean, come on, what's next?

I come home and he's playing
strip backgammon with my wife?

[laughs] Come on!

-I'll talk to him.
-Yeah.

I-I mean, I look in the mirror
and it's Johnny's face staring back at me?

Got it, Roland. I'll talk to him.

Okay, well, I'll go with you.

Oh, look! This guy's wearing a work shirt.
He's even copping my look now!

-[scoffs]
-Uh...

What ya doin' there, Mr. Rose?

Oh, I noticed there was
a bit of blockage in the gutters.

But, um...

Roland's in charge of doing the gutters.

Yeah, I'm the gutter guy, Johnny.
Everybody knows I'm the gutter guy!

Well, it was on the to-do list for today.

Yeah, it was on my to-do list!

What are you gonna do next, the bathrooms?

No, I haven't done the bathrooms.

Jeez, I wouldn't mind
if he did the bathrooms.

Uh, is everything okay, Mr. Rose?

Yeah, never felt better.
I feel invigorated!

Well, maybe you can move on
to cleaning the windows,

and give Roland his job back?

Well, I've already done the windows.

It looks like Roland
might have to find some other work.

Oh, jeez. Find some other work,
do you hear him?

What's gonna happen next?
I go to my dermatologist,

and Johnny's there
getting my moles checked?

[Stevie] Point made, Roland, thank you.

[bell on door jingles]

[soft jazz music plays]

-Oh, hi.
-Hi.

Have I ever told you
how sexy it is to walk in here

and see you doing, um...

inventory?

And wearing those little
rubber thimbles on your fingers?

They help me flip the pages easier.

Hot. Hot sex.

You know what else is hot and sexy?

Doing something spontaneous
this afternoon.

Ooh, like what?
You helping me with the inventory?

Yes. Or...

taking the afternoon off.

Mixing up the nine-to-five.

Okay...
Well, nine-to-five are our store hours.

So it's kinda hard
to build customer loyalty

when your store is just, like,
spontaneously open or closed.

Yeah.

Anyway, it turns out
Alexis' relationship is in trouble.

-What?
-Yeah, I know.

Struggling. She practically begged us
to join them at the park this afternoon,

probably for emotional support.

-Wow, we just saw them.
-I know.

-They seemed great.
-Yeah.

Well, they're in need of a generator,
if you know what I mean.

Well, I don't, but, uh,
if you think it'll help a bad situation,

I guess we could duck out
a little early today.

It will just mean
we'll have to start early tomorrow.

Mm-hmm.

You know, it's that unshakable
sense of responsibility

that makes me wanna just...

rip off those little rubber things
and... burn 'em in a fire.

[laughs]

[moans]

Twyla, can I get a lunch special
to go, please?

-Sure.
-Okay.

Oh! So no one thought to tell me
about the team lunch today?

Oh, we tried.

You just couldn't hear us
over the sound of the lawnmower.

Yeah, lawnmower, as in mowing the lawn,
which is also my job.

Am I supposed to be
reading between the lines here?

Well, I think we were just wondering

if maybe the fact
that you're so invigorated to work lately

is because Mrs. Rose is gone
and you're trying to fill a--

Fill a big, black, empty hole
in your life.

Is that pretty much
what you're trying to say there?

Maybe not quite like that, but--

-Okay, if you're suggesting...
-[cell phone rings]

...that my work ethic
has anything to do with--

Oh, it's Moira! I gotta to take this.

Moira, what's the good word?

Oh, John, I'm afraid I've made
a grave error in judgment.

Oh, sweetheart,
I told you not to drink the tap water.

If only!

At this moment, an intestinal bacteria
would wreak less havoc on my career!

Well, I don't understand.
Everything was fine two hours ago.

John, you know me,
I'm never one to complain.

I didn't bat an eye when I found out

my accommodation here was in actuality
a small bed or breakfast.

They feed me at work, I'll take the bed.

So then what's the problem?

Our director appears to be
on a kamikaze mission to sink this ship,

and I refuse to be the goddess
on its prow!

Well, if you're not enjoying yourself
anymore, sweetheart,

then coming home is always an option.

I mean, you must be missing your family.

Oh, thank you, John, but that's not it.

This was supposed to be
my comeback vehicle,

and opportunities like this
come along ever so infrequently.

Well, Moira, I feel the answer
is right in front of you.

This isn't some rinky-dink
made-for-TV movie,

or a voice gig for an X-rated
Japanese video game.

That-that was rated "M"
for "Mature," John.

All I'm saying is
you have an opportunity here.

And if you want it bad enough,
you've gotta fight for it.

You're right. You're right!

If Sandy Bullock hadn't fought
to keep the Speed franchise alive,

we never would've had Cruise Control.

John, thank you.

I would be lost without you.

[kiss sound]

[call beeps off]

Me too.

Everything okay?

Yeah, everything's good, Stevie.
Everything's good.

So I'm gonna head back,

uh, but you can brainstorm
some things for Roland to do.

And if not, I have a window later,

so I can take that job on if you like.

Just so you're aware, Mr. Rose,
the special is cream of mushroom soup.

We don't actually have
to-go containers for that,

so I've just double-bagged it.

Would you like a spoon or a straw?

[wood creaks]

[birds chirp]

I have to say, David, I'm a little shocked
that you agreed to do this.

I know how fearful you are of heights.

Hmm. Well, "fearful" makes me sound like

some kind of Dickensian orphan
with a chronic illness.

It's more an aversion.

Yeah, do I wish that Alexis
was a little more specific

when she said we were coming to a park?

Uh, maybe, but this,
this is gonna be fun, I think, for us.

-You know?
-Yeah.

David, you look so cute under there!

Like a tiny toadstool man,
or a little acorn person, or something.

Hey! So glad you guys could make it!

I hope you didn't have to, like,

rearrange your daily schedule
or anything, hm?

Oh, no, no, no, we just agreed
to finish doing the inventory tomorrow.

Mm, that's the sensible decision.

Yeah.

They look like they're really enjoying
each other's company.

Yeah, they fake it well.

I actually did one of these
at summer camp.

Yeah, and I couldn't imagine
who wouldn't want to dangle

20 feet in the air
on a series of shaky logs.

It's actually closer to 30 feet, bud.

David's never done
anything like this before.

Uh-oh, we've got a virgin!

Okay, you might wanna talk
to half my birthright trip about that.

All right, do you wanna go first, babe?

-Hundred, babe.
-Oh, okay, there we go!

Hey. Mm!

All right.

You feeling okay, David?
You're looking a little flushed.

No, just using a new tinted moisturizer,
that's all.

It's all right.

-I guess I'll go. [laughs]
-All right!

-This will be a fun adventure for us.
-Yes.

Get the clip off, and you're ready to go.

[Alexis] Babe!

Whoa, great job, babe!

David!

-David!
-Stop! [grunts]

None of my phone chargers are working!

I ask for pressed juice,
and all I get are blank stares.

Look, I just find it hard to believe

that this was the best gig
you could've gotten me.

Get my days down! Yeah. Hi.

-Hello again.
-Hi.

I was hoping this might be
an opportune moment

to discuss the quagmire
in which you fancy yourself ensnared.

The what to the what now?

I suspect you're viewing
this enterprise as a barrier

rather than a gateway
to the future of your career.

Yeah, you really don't have to worry
about the future of my career.

Is that so?

Because I did a little "Ask Jeeves-ing,"

and you, sir, were recently cut loose
from a high-profile blockbuster.

We had artistic differences.

You were the artist,
and they were indifferent!

Yes, well, nothing is a sure thing
in this business.

Nothing is a sure thing.

Which is why you should look
at every opportunity

as a pearl in an un-shucked oyster.

I would hardly call this an opportunity!

I-I worked in soaps.

They had me play my own father,

who then became pregnant
despite the vasectomy.

I still hold the record

for the longest-running demonic possession
on daytime television.

-Okay, what's your point?
-We were number one.

Every project has potential.

If you allow yourself to see it
and give it the respect it deserves,

others just may follow suit.

Yeah, I really wouldn't know
where to start with this one.

Hmm, well, here are my revisions.

If you care to discuss them,
I'll be running lines in the nest.

[Blair sighs heavily]

Hey, Stevie, don't mind me.

Just coming in
for a quick cup of rocket fuel.

Nobody drinks that rocket fuel, Mr. Rose.

I know it tastes like something I found
in that gutter out there, but, uh,

it's the pick-me-up I need
to finish reorganizing the shed.

[exasperated sigh]

You're reorganizing the shed?

That's not on the calendar till next week.

Yeah, well, with my evenings free,
I mean, normally at this time,

Moira and I are deciding
on dinner plans, but, uh...

Okay, Mr. Rose,
I know I might be overstepping here,

but I... just wanted you to know
that it's okay to miss your wife.

No, it's an adjustment, that's all.

I mean, we're making adjustments
all the time.

Yesterday I couldn't drink this coffee,
and now...

We've been serving this to guests
the whole time?

Mr. Rose,
I-I hope that someday I find someone

who I can stand long enough

to feel a little lost
when they're not around.

[sighs heavily]

I'm exhausted.

Eight days, Stevie.

That's the longest we've gone
without seeing each other.

No matter where we were, and...

yeah, we've managed to keep it up
for almost 40 years.

Well, see?

It makes sense that
you're a little out of sorts without her.

I'll tell you what's not out of sorts
anymore, that shed! [chuckles]

Yeah, well, now that you're done
with the shed,

maybe you could start sharing
the jobs with Roland again?

Yeah, well, you're right, Stevie,
and I will call Roland.

It's just-- I'm so tired
from all the work I've been doing,

so I'm thinking... maybe you could...

No, it's just not my job.

Right.

[Patrick] You can do this, David!
Just one step at a time!

You're looking pretty shaky there, David.

I really hope we didn't rope you
into something here.

Hey, David, just pretend you're in, like,

a super-dangerous walk-and-turn
sobriety test.

-Okay, I don't like this!
-Okay, well, then just turn around!

Why would he agree to do this
when he's afraid of heights?

He's not afraid of heights.
He's afraid of moths and butterflies.

And businesswomen in sneakers.

Okay, I can hear you!

And also heights, something to do with
him being broken up with while he was--

Parasailing in the Seychelles!

He and Anderson Cooper were stuck
up there for, like, three hours

until the wind died down.

I totally forgot! Argh!

-I'm sorry, David!
-Ah!

I'm sorry. You were right,
the quiz was rigged.

-What?!
-What quiz?

Okay, David took this relationship quiz,

and it said that his relationship
was, like, in need of some excitement.

-What?!
-David, I lied!

I took the quiz, like, 15 times.

"In Need of a Generator" is, like,
the only answer you can get.

Oh, my God!

Okay, I don't know what this is about,
but this generator is running smoothly.

So we're doing all of this
so that you can prove

our relationship is exciting?

I failed the stupid quiz,
and Alexis made me feel bad about it.

David, you're basically 40 years old.

I shouldn't be able to make you
feel bad about anything.

I love our relationship.
I love it when you order me pizza.

I love when you use words like inventory!

I even love those stupid rubber things
you put on your fingers

'cause you think
they flip the pages faster.

They don't flip the pages faster.

They don't flip the pages faster!

-Okay.
-I'm so sorry!

We're gonna talk about the fact
that we missed half a day of work

to make this happen,

but you did just do a tree walk
30 feet in the air for us.

-Yes, I did.
-[both] Muah!

-[tired exhale]
-All right, guys,

that's one rope down, seven courses to go.

-Hey.
-Don't touch me.

No.

[gravelly and shrill] My dear murder,

soon we will once more
walk amongst the humans.

But until that day comes,
we must remember,

the crows don't just have eyes...

we also have wings!

Caaaaw! Awk! Caw! Caw!

-Cut! Cut.
-[buzzer sounds]

Let me guess, he didn't like the rewrites.

I don't know why, or really, even how,

but something about this actually works.

Oh. All right then, um,

might I ask
why did we interrupt that take?

Right, so at this point, Moira,

I'm gonna have a bunch of digital birds
sort of circling around you,

so if you can just be aware of them.

Yes. Aye, Captain. Note taken.

Let's pick it up from there.

In terms of my eyeline,
how many birds am I clocking?

And of them, how many are mutants?

-Okay, winging it.
-Action!

[gravelly and shrill]
Listen to me... aaawk!

The day will come when
we are no longer social outcasts!

I am but a tail feather away
from finding the cure.

So please...

quiet your caws
so that we may take up our cause:

redemption!

Redemption!

Awk! Awk! Ahaaa!