All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S04E12.WEB-DL.NF.en

[birds chirp]

[Moira] Alexis?

Alexis, Alexis!

I just overheard three women
with smokers' coughs

talking about
Sex and the City.

The singles have arrived!

Why are you not wearing
your t-shirt?

Darling, Mommy's delivering
the keynote address.

There's going to be press
and photographers there,

I think it would be a tad
declasse

for the Chair of the event

to be wearing a Volunteers
t-shirt.

Mkay, I'm Co-Chair,
and I'm wearing my t-shirt.

Well, love is definitely
in the air!

-Motel at max capace
all week long.
-Mm-hm.

I appreciate everything
you do, Alexis,

but I think it's best I carry
the baton over the goal line.

-[Alexis scoffs]
-What's going on here?

Mom's basically trying to
cut me out of Singles Week.

I am not cutting her out,
John.

I'm merely trying to ensure
an unruffled launch.

Do you remember the last time
you and I chaired an event?

The Teenage Rosacea Ball
at the St. Regis?

That was 15 years ago!

Well, that was a different
time, Moira.

Alexis has been working
on herself.

Yes, Alexis has been working
very hard on herself.

She just closed a very
important chapter of her life

with Ted last week,

and still she's putting
everything she has

into finding love
for other people.

What exactly have you done?

Well...

I'll tell you
what I'm about to do.

I'm about to swing by Jocelyn's

and get the locks and keys
for this morning's event.

You still haven't picked up
the locks and keys?

[Door closes]

Ugh!
Yes, what?

Um, I just walked past three

very raspy-voiced Mirandas
outside,

so I think
the singles are here.

Ooh!

[theme music playing]

Okay, with the 50%
premium charge
for Singles Week,

I think we might be able
to afford

some of the bigger improvements
we've been talking about.

[phone rings]

Ooh, sorry, guys.

-Roland?
-Roland's phone.

-Hey, Bob.
-Roland, hang up.

Yeah, uh, Johnny's tellin' me
I gotta hang up.

Yes, they're both here,
staring at me.

[chuckles] Johnny has that
upset look on his face.

Yeah. [laughs]

That's the perfect way
to describe it, Bob.

-Mr Rose.
-Okay.

[mumbling]

Okay, I'm gonna put this
on silent

for the rest of the meeting,
okay?

Do you know how to do that,
Stevie?

Roland, with all that we have
going on this week,

we'll need your full attention.

Oh, relax, Johnny.
I'm here for ya.

Whadda ya need?

Um, maybe you could head out
to Elmdale

and go to the hardware store,

and knock the first three
things off this list.

That's no problem. Sure.

And anything else you want,
just let me know.

How 'bout a car wash?

Or maybe a brow trim
for Johnny? [laughs]

-Just the things on the list.
-Okay.

Don't worry about it.
I won't let ya guys down.

[door opens and closes]

[jazz music plays,
bell jingles]

Ah! Ah!

[grunts]

You been goin' to the gym,
'cause that looked effortless?

It's just a very awkwardly
shaped box,

but yes, I have,
and thank you for noticing.

So what, uh, what is this?

Um, this is a box
of dog sweaters

that Alexis has asked me
to drop off at Ted's

for the pet adoption thing
for Singles Week.

So what's it doing here, then?

I was just wondering what
your day was looking like?

I'm not dropping the box
off for you.

Okay, I know, but it would
just save me so much distress!

Oh, are you in distress?

Yes! The whole situation
with Alexis and Ted right now

is very awkward and cringe-y.

Alexis told him she loved him.

Wow. Well, good for her,
it's...

it's not easy puttin' yourself
out there like that.

Okay, sure.
I just think it'll be less
awkward for all of us,

especially considering Ted
now knows that I know,

that he knows,
if you maybe took the box.

I'm not taking the box
for you, David,

I still have to unpack all
of these products

for Singles Week,
that you bought.

Okay, then I guess I'll just,
take the box and go, then.

-David?
-Yeah.

-Listen to me.
-Mm-hm.

What you're doing
is very brave.

-Mm-hm.
-Very generous, okay?

And I don't wanna add
more stress to your day,

but I love you.

Okay, so...

So you just said that to me
for the first time,

knowing that it would make
my day more stressful.

That's correct.

Because you know that I've
never said that to anyone else,

aside from my parents twice,
and at a...

Mariah Carey concert, I know.
Yeah.

And I don't expect you to say
it back to me, right now,

you say it when you're ready.

Just felt right to me,
in the moment.

You're my Mariah Carey.

Okay. That compliment could
bring me to tears,

but I'm not gonna let it.

So...

I...

would like to thank you
for all the wonderful things
that you said.

Okay. Wanna get me a tea
while you're out?

Okay, I will get you a tea.

Um, would you mind just not
looking at me

while I take this box outta
the room,

'cause I don't want you
regretting

any of the nice things
that you just said to me?

Okay, look away, please.
Please.

-That went well.
-[door closes]

[low hum of patron chatter]

[phone rings]

[Moira] What?

Hi, where are you?

I'm on my way!

We've just encountered
a bit of a roadblock,

a hold-up, a minor issue.

Okay, you literally
had one job to do.

Jocelyn is in labour!

Oh, my God!

I know it's no one's fault.

I'm with her now,
we're in the car.

Okay, so what am I supposed
to do, here?

Well, has the press arrived
yet?

Yes! Everybody has arrived.

Everybody is here,
just waiting.

Oh! Don't start without me
you little frippit.

You don't have the media
training.

Okay, can you just like,
please try to hurry up?

Because the last thing
we wanna do

is stand up a room
full of singles.

Oh, look, Jocelyn's pulling up
to the hospital right now.

Wait, Jocelyn's driving?

Yes, Alexis! She insisted!

My nerves are fried!

[Jocelyn screams]

-[engine rumbles]
-[Jocelyn screams]

-Stevie?
-What's up?

I think we might
have to call Roland

and tell him to add "do not
disturb" signs to his list.

Some of the singles
have been requesting them.

I think that is a service
that could benefit all of us.

Hmm.

[phone buzzes]

Is that you?

[phone buzzes]

No, my phone's in my pocket.

Uh-oh.

I think that's Roland's phone.

-Oh, God.
-What?

Uh, there are 17 missed calls,

and 3 texts from Jocelyn.

Well, what do they say?

"Roland, it's happening."
And then, "baby."

And then, like a whole row
of baby emojis,

and an explosion.

Well, we didn't do anything
wrong here. Right?

I didn't.

You're the one who
put his phone on silent.

Because you didn't
know how to.

Okay, well, I don't think
it's helpful

to be pointing fingers,
here, Stevie.

Besides, I think he'll
probably be back soon.

We gave him a lot
of errands to run.

[dog barks]

[sighs]

[dog barks]

-David!
-Ah...

Hey! [laughs]

It's me.

-Good to see you, man.
-Yeah, good to see you, too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay.

Oh, good, good.

Um,

so I just dropped off
these, um, dog sweaters,

for the pet adoption thing.

Okay, great, yeah.

It's always gifts for the dogs,
and never for me.

Definitely one of
my pet peeves.

Yes?

I'm sorry, I just...
I just was expecting Alexis,

so you showing up here has
really thrown me off my game.

Um... No, your game is tight.

Um, Alexis actually told me
to drop off the sweaters.

She was swamped with the...

the launch for
the Singles Week thing.

She told you, didn't she?

Yes, she told me, yeah.

It just caught me off guard,
you know?

"I love you,"

It just... I don't...

Mm-hm. Yes.

No, that is an emotional
depth that is very,

very out of character for her.

So, I can understand why
that would be weird for you.

Anyway, I should be...

I broke up with Heather.

So I should probably stay,
then, for a minute?

[low hum of chatter]

Okay, so just to triple check,

um, everyone has registered
on the website?

[all] Yes. Yes.

Okay, just triple checking,

because the website
acts as a directory.

And a message board, we know.

Oh, my God.

Sorry, when is this
gonna start?

There is a seniors' craft fair

that I have been asked
to cover in Elmglen,

but as a single woman who drove
20 miles to be here,

I'd rather write about this.

Yes. Yes.

Um, the event is starting
right now.

-Good.
-Hm.

Hey, singles, I'm Alexis Rose,

and I, like all of you,
am single.

[applause]

I would just like
to welcome you

to the first annual
Schitt's Creek Singles Week.

Woo!

Now I know many of you
are excited

about the lock and key event.

[applause and cheers]

The more I think about it,

the more I feel like that game

kind of sends
the wrong message.

Because it makes it seem like,

as soon as you find
the right key,

everything's just supposed
to work out, right?

But life is more complicated
than that.

Now, I used to think
that my one special lock

needed to be like super
aggressive,

and come from a long line
of Adriatic royalty,

or have a beard,

and be really into the woods.

Then I realised that sometimes,

a special little lock
can come along,

that you didn't think would
fit because it didn't look,

or act, like the lock
you thought you needed.

So instead of actually giving
it a real chance,

you throw it away
because it was too nice.

And it liked you too much,
and cared.

And now that lock
has found another key,

and you are so happy for it,

and you just need to accept
that,

and find a new lock.

So, are we playing a game,
or not?

Yes!

[chuckles] That is what
I'm trying to say,

we're just gonna play
a better game, um,

one that kinda promotes
giving people a chance.

[applause and cheers]

Apparently they took Roland's
phone away from him.

I don't know!

Well, who would do that
to a man

whose wife is just about
to go into labour?

I didn't take his phone!

Well, you kinda did.

Well, in our defence,
Jocelyn's a few days early.

Oh, hold on, Gwen,
uh, Roland just pulled in,

and the hammer's about to drop.

Okay, okay, guys, I know
it took a little longer

than I said it would
but I knocked off...

-Roland...
-...everything on the list.

Roland, Jocelyn's in labour.

What? When did she,
why didn't she call me?

I gotta call her.
I need my phone. I can't...

Where's my phone?
I can't find my phone?

-Is this it?
-Yeah.

Yeah, you're a lifesaver,
Johnny.

Oh, well, you can thank me
later, but uh,

you'd better get going,
to the hospital.

Okay.

[engine starts]

[Bob's phone rings]

Hi, Gwen.

No, he's on his way
to the hospital now.

Yeah... Snake?

Is a little harsh,
but he's definitely slippery,

I'll give ya that.

I'm standing right here, Bob.

Anyway, I just felt
like I owed it to Heather,

to be honest.

So then, um, are you gonna
talk to Alexis about this?

Honestly, I don't know.

I don't know if I'm willing
to put myself out there again.

I mean, David, I spent two
weeks in Mexico, alone,

on our honeymoon, just trying
to get my life back on track.

-Yeah, that sounds very dark.
-[sighs]

You know how many off-road dirt
bike tours I had to take,

just to get her outta my head?

Shockingly, never been
on a dirt bike.

Um...
But I'm sure like a lot...

A lot of tours, David.

[sighs]

Okay, look, um,

I would hardly call myself
an expert

on this subject,

and by subject, I mean
genuine human emotion.

So, I am just going to tell
you what I know.

And you can do whatever
you want with that. Okay?

I know that your name
has come up in conversation

every single day,
for the past six months.

Um, I know that
she's different now...

I mean, not that different,
obviously, but um,

different enough to know
that she made a mistake

with you.

Or was it two mistakes?
Or more...

No, it was just the two.
Yeah.

Anyway, so you've been
burned, a couple times.

Um, have we met?

I've been burned so many times,

I'm basically the human
equivalent of the inside

of a roasted marshmallow.

Um, but I think it's important
for us to remember

that sometimes...

sometimes it does work out.

And um, even though everything
inside us

is telling us to protect
ourselves,

when you've got it,

don't let it go.

Um... [clears throat]

And I am telling you,
that you have got it,

if you want it.

Thank you, David.

Maybe this can be
your thank you.

That's a dog treat?

Looks like a real treat.

What am I gonna do now?

-[ball bounces]
-[Jocelyn breathes]

Moira, you don't have to stay,

Rollie will be here any minute,

and I know how much the singles
event means to you.

No, no, Jocelyn, normally I
wouldn't even consider leaving,

but Alexis...

Alexis has never handled

this kind of responsibility.

And I would just hate
to see it all

come clattering down
around her.

Okay, Moira, Moira,
if I may...

Listen, I can't speak
to who Alexis was

before you came here,

and from what I've heard I
don't really wanna dig

any deeper into that,
but what I can say is this.

I have watched your daughter,
over the last couple of years,

grow into one of the most
amazing people I've ever known.

She is a hard worker,
she is kind,

and she is capable
of so much more

than people give her
credit for.

Jocelyn, that is one of the
most generous compliments

one could receive as a mother.

We all have fears as parents,
Moira,

but at some point, we just have
to believe in our kids.

-[sighs]
-[door slams]

Perhaps you're right.

Where? Where is she?

There she is!
Okay, I found it!

Third time's a charm!

Rollie, you made it!

You may step down, ma'am,

I thank you for your service.

Okay. Bye.

Thank you for everything,
Moira.

I will never forget this.

Oh, if the drugs are any good,
you will.

Bye.

[PA] Dr Matheson,
call on line 2, Dr Matheson.

There you go.
Have fun this week!

[jazz music plays]

[bell jingles]

Well, David, I gotta hand it
to you.

We've already sold half
of our massage oils.

It's like you're an oracle
when it comes

to the sex lives
of lonely people.

It's a gift.

How'd it go with Ted?

I love you.

[clears throat]

I know I'll never be able
to compete with Mariah.

Mm.

It just kind of feels like
one of those perfect moments

that you dream about.

Except in my dream,
I'm holding a nice cup of tea.

Oh...fuck!

I'm kidding.
I don't need the tea.

No, I am making this perfect
moment, perfect.

-[dance music plays]
-Hey, it's musical chairs.

It's a simple concept. Ugh!

Keep moving!
People are clustering,

and you don't want that!

[music stops]

Okay guys, you know
what that means,

Two minutes on the clock
to chat up your next new match

so make it count!

[chattering]

-Hi.
-Oh.

So I'm guessing the press
went home.

It's a shame they didn't get
to see what you've pulled off!

Um, actually you may not
be able to tell

by the way those two are gazing
into each other's eyes,

they actual work
for rival newspapers.

Alexis, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I underestimated you.

Thank you.

Seems there's a lot more
of me in you,

than I give you credit for.

-Lucky me.
-Mm-hm.

[chuckles]

[dance music plays]

I'll take it from here.

I thought you were just
apologizing

for underestimating me?

You can't play the game with
a clipboard in your hand.

Go on.

[music stops]

Hi.

Apparently I only have
two minutes,

so I'm gonna make this quick.

Hi.

I'm Ted, I'm newly single.

And I'd be kidding myself
if I told you

that I haven't wanted
to do this

every single day
for the last two years.

Do what?

[chairs rattle]

[applause and cheering]

[camera shutter snaps]

Oh! Oh, no, no thank you.

[applause]

[dance music plays]

[baby coos]

Oh, what a handsome guy.

He looks just like me.

And yet, he's handsome.

Hey, Moira, you haven't had
a chance to hold the baby yet.

Oh, I'm... I'm all right,
thank you.

-I can see clearly from here.
-[Johnny chuckles]

Should we tell her?

Moira, what you did today
meant the world to us.

And we know it wasn't exactly
how you planned

on spending your day.

Aw, it was nothing.

So, we'd like you
to say hello

to Roland Moira Schitt.

[chokes and clears throat]

Wow, that's... The name is
really something, isn't it?

And an honour I dream not of!

Do you wanna hold him, Moira?

-Oh, yeah, here you go.
-No, no, please.

Comin' at ya.

-Please, no.
-Here he comes.

-Roland Moira Schitt.
-Oh.

[laughing]

Look at that,
the two Moiras.

Take him, John,
my hands are shaking.

No, thank you.

[closing music playing]