All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S04E10.WEB-DL.NF.en

[soft jazz music playing]

[bell jingling]

Hi, Jocelyn.

Is everything okay?

-Yeah. Why?
-Um, I love your pyjama set.

Thank you.

It's been a hectic morning,
David, I'm not gonna lie.

Well, I lit a patchouli candle,
so hopefully it'll
calm your chi.

Yeah, well, I didn't get much
sleep last night.

Somebody decided to do
a synchronized swimming
routine at 2:00 am.

-Oh, no.
-Yeah, so. Long night.

And then followed by the news
that my sister

-can't drive into town
to host my baby shower!
-[sighs]

Something to do with
her husband's heart.

Oh, well, hope it clears
itself up.

Yeah, well, it won't.
That's the problem.

-Well, you never know.
-Well, I do.

Which is why I ask you to then
point this pregnant lady

towards your party-theme
section,

because it seems
as though I am
throwing my own baby shower!

Sounds very dark.

Um, we actually don't have
a party section, so...

-Just a streamer, David--
-Okay, yeah.

There's a basket
on the other side, I think.
Down below.

Hmm.

It's times like this I wish
I had your eye for decorating
and party planning.

Roland's been trying
to help me,

offered off his movie posters,
you know,

but I just don't think
that The Pelican Brief

is festive enough
for a baby shower.

Well, I'd have to agree.

Yeah, well, if only there
was someone like you

who could help me
organize this.

Very kind of you to say.

Yeah, I mean,
somebody like you,
or you.

Who would just help me
organize this,
before I snap!

Well, I'm sure
I could help you out.

David! Oh, my goodness!

Are you sure?

I don't want you to feel
like you have to do this.

-Are you sure about that?
-[laughs]

Well, it is tonight,

so I suppose you better, uh,
get to work!
[giggles]

-Tonight?
-Yes.

Okay, will the store
be promoted, at least,

-at this event?
-Absolutely!

-And what is the venue?
-My house!

And are we married
to that venue?

-Yes!
-Okay.

-Thank you, David.
-[door closes]

What just happened?

[theme music playing]

Okay, so I was thinking as
incentive for our singles,

we could do like,
a lonely heart's special.

So 50% discount for those
singles dining alone.

Okay, um,

but wouldn't it make more sense
to offer a discount

for people not dining alone?

But it's Singles Week though,
is the thing.

Right. Um,

but if the point
of Singles Week
is to get matched up,

then why not offer a discount
for singles who eat together?

Okay, I have a better idea.

A two-for-one discount for
two singles eating together.

That's it, that's the winner.

Yay!

Oh my God, Alexis?

Oh my God, Klair!

Oh my...
Guys, I know this girl!

Babe! Hi!

Oh, my God,
what are you doing here?

-[giggling]
-Okay, so...

Me, Albany, Jitney, and Candy,

we just needed to get away
from the city for a bit,

and so Vice put out this guide
to the most random cities

in North America, and we
were like, lets him 'em.

Oh, my God,
that sounds so random.

Oh, my God.

This is where you live,
isn't it?
[gasps]

I'm so sorry I didn't
put that together,

it's like I completely
forgot about you.

Oh, my God, no, babe,
please, it's like...

-It's so good to see you.
-I know.

So like, it was two weeks
straight of work at the agency,

so we just got in the car,
and we drove.

You know how it gets,
it's like... [exclaiming]

-Can I get you something?
-Stop.

Oh, my God, I'm obsessed
with your look.

You look just like a small-town
waitress! Beep!

-Thanks.
-Actually, you know what...
[clears throat]

I would love, like,
a hot water,

but if you could just
let it sit so it cools,

I just need to know
that it was once hot.

-Sorry, I'm the worst.
-[chuckles]

Thank you.

Like nothing's really changed,
am I right?

-Yeah.
-Ugh, okay, babe, sit down.

Tell me about you.
Like, what have you
even been doing?

-Oh, my God.
-Oh, my God!

-Like, so much.
-Okay, love that, girl.

Tell me. Tell me everything.

Erm, okay, so I graduated
high school.

-Uh-huh.
-Got my certificate.

Erm, I opened my own PR firm,

and I'm actually organizing
this little event, so...

Okay. We really have
to get you outta here.

-What?
-You know what?
You need to join us tonight.

We're gonna go
to some random bar,
for some random drinks.

Hmm. Hundred percent.

No, but, like,
actually come though, okay?
I'm serious.

I could use a distraction.

Albany literally makes me
wanna kill myself.

-Anyway, I should go.
-[Alexis chuckles]

Please tell me I'm gonna
see you tonight.

Okay, here is your
not-so-hot water.

Sweetie, no,
I didn't order that.

-See you tonight, babe.
-Hmm.

See you tonight, babe.
See you tonight, babe.

Mmm. Mmm.

Albany, I was sitting there!

Well, it's good of you
to come with me, John.

Well, not a problem,
Sweetheart.

Stevie was thrilled
to be left looking

after the motel with Roland.

Of course,
your accompanying me today

would have nothing to do
with any concerns you may have,

about me being left alone
in a room

teeming with eligible
bachelors?

I have no concerns
about you, Moira.

You can handle yourself.

But if you ever unleash
your feminine wiles

on those bachelors,
they wouldn't know
what hit them.

Mmm.

Hi.

Thanks for coming. I'm Ricki.

-Johnny, and this is--
-Moira.

I'm the lead intimacy
facilitator here at MADLY,

and I am so thrilled that
you would choose me

as a consultant
for your Singles Week.

As are we, Ricki.

I'm sure you don't get
a great many auditors here

at the group but, we would just
love a little hand-held tour

to see what it is you do.

Can I ask what MADLY
stands for?

Mature Adults
Dating Lovers, Yes!

We pride ourselves
on our ability to

stimulate soulful exchanges

between all of our singles.

And, I'm confident that
we're going to be able

to find superlative matches
for both of you.

Oh dear. Oh!

Bit of a
misunderstanding, here.

We're looking to observe
your event, for research.

Well, we could peek in on the
experience like group voyeurs,

but it would be much more
educational for both of you

if you would let me
immerse you in it.

And what would this immersion
process entail?

Today's activity is called
"A Lock and Key".

Our ladies get the keys.

Our men get the locks.

And then we spend
an hour mingling,

trying to find
that perfect fit.

Well, lucky for us, this lock
has already found its key.

You'd be surprised.

Would I?

John?

Could be fun.

And I know who
I'll be leaving with.

-All right,
let's give it a try!
-Wonderful.

I just have to ask,
before the event,

will you grant me access to
your most intimate selves?

No.

But we'll play the game.

[David] Okay, and could that
be delivered by tonight?

Okay, perfect.
All right, thank you very much.

-Hi.
-What's goin' on?

Well, um, Jocelyn came in
here this morning

looking like Adam Sandler
on a red carpet.

Poor thing is planning
her own baby shower,

so I volunteered to help.

Wow. That's very
generous of you.

Yeah, I thought it could be
a good opportunity
to promote the store.

So, Heather's supplying some
of her cheeses,
not at cost,

but she's giving us a deal,

and I thought we could bring
some wine from the store,

and Colleen's
express-shipping
a branzino, so.

Sounding a bit
expensive, David.

Well, we haven't talked
budget yet,

but I'm assuming that Jocelyn's
wanting to spend some money
on her baby shower.

I'm assuming that Jocelyn's
planning on spending no money

-on her baby shower.
-What do you mean?

Well, typically the person
who throws the shower,

pays for the shower.

Well, that wasn't part
of the agreement.

Well, what did you say to her?

-I told her I'd take care
of it.
-Ah!

She basically forced me
into it!

This isn't even her first baby!

Oh, so it's more of
a sprinkle, then.

-What the hell is a sprinkle?
-No, it's like a shower,
but for your second kid.

It's not a full shower,
it's like a sprinkle.

That is the stupidest fucking
thing I have ever heard.

Er, also, booze and fish,
not ideal for a pregnant woman.

Yeah, well, she's one person,

and everyone knows you
don't plan a whole party
around one person.

Maybe you do,
if the party is for her.

Says who?

Fine! Worst case scenario,

she grazes at the soft
cheese station.

Are you sure that
she can eat that?

This is why I hate babies!

[camera clicking]

-Klair!
-Oh, my God, Lex!

Are you, like, stalking me,
or something?

-Erm, actually I, erm--
-Oh, my God, I'm kidding.

But seriously, like, what
are you doing here?

Erm, I'm just,
like, crashing here.

-Oh.
-Temporarily, obviously.

Are, erm, are you guys
staying here?

[laughing] Oh, my God!
Funny. No. No.

We have Airstreams up the road,
but we saw this sign,

and we thought
it was so random.

Yeah.

Oh, my God!
I almost totally forgot!

I have a job for you.

-Are you serious?
-Yeah.

I just, like, I can't talk
about it around Albany,

because she needs to get
fired first, so...

Basically the job is yours,
if you want it.

It's a junior PR position,
but you could totally climb
the ladder.

Look, take your time,
just let me know by tomorrow.

-By tomorrow?
-Mmm, yeah, we're gonna get
a super early start,

so make sure you find me
before 2:00 pm.

Oh, wow, okay.
It's just, like,
all happening so fast,

'cause I'd have to like, pack,
and find a place to stay.

Oh, my God, don't even worry
about that.

You can totally stay
at my dad's place.

He hasn't lived there
for like 15 years.

I think he started a new
family, or something.

-Oh.
-So it would be you,

and my dad's ex-wife.
But don't worry about her,

she's two years younger than
us, and, like, super chill.

-Okay.
-Anyway, I'm gonna call it
on this Instasesh,

but I'll let you know
what bar we hit up tonight.

-Okay, actually,
there's only one.
-Oh, well that's great,

because I feel like all I do
every night is just argue
with Albany about where to go.

Like the poor thing doesn't
understand that like,

literally, no one even wanted
her here in the first place.

-Ooh.
-I can't wait to fire her.

[laughs]
I'm her best friend.

-Okay, here's my card.
-Yes.

Let me know about the job.

Okay, yes.
That sounds like...
Chillin'.

I will definitely, er,
let you know!

Okay.

Hey, pack your bags, bitch!
You're getting' out!

-[music playing]
-[chattering indistinctly]

It's funny, because before
my dear Gloria passed,

she told me her dying wish
was for me to move on.

-Aw, did she?
-I know you're gonna find
this hard to believe,

but she predicted that I would
meet a woman

with shoulder-length blonde
hair, and red lipstick.

Telepathic, was she?
And tremendously specific!

If I may leave you
with a bit of advice,

I would wait until much later
in the relationship

before mentioning any
of the things

you just mentioned to me.

-Er, wait, you haven't
even tried your key.
-Er, it won't fit.

[Johnny]
Now, ask me when the
last time the motel sold out,

before I showed up?

-Never! Zero! Didn't happen.
-[woman chuckles]

Must take a special touch.

Well, call it what you will,
Charlene.

Maybe I'll spend
the night sometime.

At the motel, I mean.
[laughs]

[laughing] Oh, oh, oh.

-[Moira laughing]
-Moira!

You should really keep looking
for your perfect match.

For research. Or love.

[Charlene laughing]

Mmm.

[man over radio]
Tomorrow, more sunshine...

[Jocelyn] Welcome, boys!

I can't thank you enough
for jumping in like this!

Oh, it's our pleasure.

Okay, erm,
so what's going on here?

I thought I would do
what I could

to get a jumpstart
on the decorations.

Here's the thing, Jocelyn,
when you asked me to
throw this event,

you were essentially handing
over creative control.

Considering our name is gonna
be all over this,

I think it's important
to streamline
the aesthetic direction

we're taking for tonight.

Okay, well I guess I could move
some of the balloons?

That could be good.
Yeah, we could move those.

Maybe to the garbage?

We're also gonna need to
drop-cloth the interiors.

[Roland] Okay, guys!

Where do you want me
to hang the pinata?

I'm sorry, is that supposed
to be a baby?

Yeah, it's pretty realistic,
isn't it?

I got it at the dollar store
in Elmdale.

I didn't even have to pay
for it, honey.
They just gave it to me.

Yeah, don't think
we can smash a baby

-with a stick tonight, but...
-It's not a real baby, Dave.

The fact that you got it from
the dollar store

does make me wary of what's
gonna fall out of it, though?

Don't worry, Rollie,
we're still gonna play
the diaper game.

-Ah, good!
-Hi! What's the diaper game?

Oh, my gosh, it is so fun!

We played it at Mutt's
baby shower!

Basically, you melt different
chocolate bars

into different diapers,
and then people take turns
guessing--

Gonna stop you right there.

I will literally do anything
for us to not play that game.

Well, I'm getting nervous,
because we're gonna need

some sort of
entertainment, David.

Well, then, I will come up
with some games

that don't involve
sniffing a diaper.

-You don't just sniff it.
-No. You don't.

Oh, my God.

Hey, Jocelyn, why don't you,
why don't you get ready,

get changed,
and we'll take good care
of the place.

I am ready.

And you look great, so,
do you wanna have a seat?

Relax? Mmm-hmm.

Okay, is this vase movable?

Er, no, that there is
Grandpa's ashes, and no,

you cannot move it,
it's bolted down.

There's been a lot
of urn thefts lately.

I'll tell ya what,
I will get my ratchet,

and see
what I can do for ya, okay?
You hold baby.

-All right.
-Go ahead.
[laughs]

Was this a mistake?

Oh, probably, but, you know,
we're here now, you know.

Yup.

Where do I put
this fuckin' thing?

No? [chuckles]

Hello.

And just when I thought
I'd tried every lock.

-You are?
-Rene.

-I work in ad sales
and can drive at night.
-Ah.

I know that sounds like
an odd thing to mention,

but it does separate me
from the crowd.

Pardonnez-moi, senor Rene.

Okay, Moira, let's go.

Charlene's getting
a little tipsy,

and things are starting
to turn.

Hmm, well I just have one
more lock to try,
John, so...

Rene, I'll be gentle.

Oh, look at that!

-It seems to be jammed.
Can you, Rene?
-Sure.

Okay, Moira,
I think we're done here.

Have we finally found
our match?

Yes, we have, but your locks
sadly are defective.

You're um...
I'm getting a bit
of neck burn.

-Oh.
-Well, I didn't have
any problem with mine.

Often times in these
situations,

I ask a participant
to go within,

and to reflect why she might
be having trouble connecting.

Connecting is my livelihood.

No, it's these discount locks.

I've tried every other one.

[man exclaiming]

You know what, John?
You're right, we should go.

Jocelyn has that bebe thing.

Rene, pleasure as always.

You know, I have to say,
I had a lot of apprehension
when I came here.

-Let's not dally, dear.
-What's that? Here you go.

Rene, Charlene needs
a ride home.

-Can you still drive at night?
-Sure.

Hey, I'm heading out!

Hmm.

[chuckles]

-[music playing]
-[people chattering
indistinctly]

Okay, now this game is called
Sleepy Mommy.

Jocelyn's sitting on the couch,
she's our sleepy mommy.

Now mommy's had a very
hard day with baby,

and needs a bit of a break.

And that's where we come in.

We're each gonna take turns
popping pills into
mommy's mouth.

Now unfortunately,
these are breath mints,

we couldn't afford
actual benzo's,

but the person that does get
the most tranqs

into mommy's mouth,
will walk away

with whatever's left of
the soft cheese station.

[crowd exclaiming]

-[Johnny] I'll go!
-Okay.

Boy, these have a bit more
weight to them
than the usual pills.

Well, you know, Johnny,
that weight might actually work

in your favour if you
take into consideration
the humidity in here.

Wow, well, thank you, Roland.

Okay, just relax. There.

[all exclaiming]

David, why does this game
feel vaguely familiar?

You invented it.

We played it a lot growing up.

[crowd exclaiming]

I can't remember playing.

That's because we got
very good at it.

I remember Alexis got one in
from across the room once.

-[crowd exclaiming]
-I've gotta hand it to ya,
David,

it's a little unconventional,

but people seem to be gettin'
really into this.

[Roland] Hey, Dave?

Do I get an extra point if I
can bounce one of her forehead?

Yeah, we need some clarity
on the point system, David,

because I've landed three
in Jocelyn's bangs,

and that's gotta count
for something.

-Or nothing.
-Ugh.

-Okay. That's not fair.
-Okay. On three,

-try this together,
-One, two, three.

[all exclaiming]

[rock music playing]

So, like, she's telling me
that she's going to Mexico,

and I'm like, if you're not
going to Tulum,

then, like, where the hell
are you even going?

-You know what I'm saying?
-So where is she going?

-Ugh, God. Cabo.
-Oh, my God, poor thing.

I know, right?

Like, what does she wanna go
smoke a blunt with Pitbull?

-Ugh, probably not.
-[girls chuckling]

Erm, anyway, can I talk
to you for a sec, Klair?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Wassup?

Okay, so I've been thinking
about it.

-Hmm.
-And as much as I appreciate
the offer,

erm, I think for the next
little while, I should
just stay here.

I'm sorry, reset.
What are we talking about?

Erm, the job that you offered
at your dad's friend's company?

-The junior publicist?
-Oh.

I just don't think that
I can leave here yet.

Oh, yeah, sure,
you do you, babe.
I'm always here for you.

Sorry, I was like,
"What are we
even talking about?"

So like, Albany just put down
her dad's black card,

so shots on him.
It's the least that she can do

because she didn't come through
with the party favours.

Breaking news,
we still fucking hate her.

Anyway, do you want
a shot or not?
It's Albany's birthday.

Erm, I don't think that I can.

I have this other thing
that I need to go to.

Okay, yeah, cool.
Hey, well text me later.
All right?

We can totally ditch this thing

and we don't have to tell
Albany, if that's what's
holding you back?

-Will do.
-Okay.

Oh, and Lex,
it was so good to see you.

Really, it's been too long.
We can't let this happen again.

It won't.

Why do you guys have drinks,
and I don't? Hmm?

[closing music playing]