All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S04E08.WEB-DL.NF.en

[text message chime]

Um, Alexis, do you mind
telling your phone to fuck off?

[text message chime]

Ugh.

What's "Bumpkin"?

What? Nothing. Give me that.

Oh, my God,
is this a dating app?

[sighs] It's an online social hub
for rural singles,

if you must know, David.

I signed Twyla up.

Well, why does it say,
"Alexis, you have a new match"?

Research. I was testing
the water for her, David.

Poor thing's clueless.

Well, Miguel says, "Hi."

Why is he shirtless
with an armful of puppies?

Oh, my God, we matched?

His nipples are out.

Ted can't know
about this, David.

Miguel's the only other vet
in town,

and they have this like
dumb rivalry.

When has that ever stopped you?

I remember that summer
you dated all three Hanson brothers.

This is different.
I no longer need

backstage passes to the
Teen Choice Awards.

How did you even match with
Miguel in the first place?

I swiped right, obviously.

Like, look at him, David.

I didn't actually expect
we'd match.

You didn't expect to match?

Okay, fine, I did, but I just wanted
to see what would happen.

He's the only attractive person
on here, David.

What did you want me to do?

Well, then go on a date
with him.

-I can't.
-Fine, then don't.

Okay, but I want to, David.

Oh, my God, Alexis.

I am suffering romantically
right now.

And there was a minute
when I thought

I would never have to look
at another dating app.

And here you are shoving
Bumpkins in my face.

It's Bumpkin with a wink emoji.

[sighs]

[text message chimes]

He messaged me again.

He actually sounds
kind of chill, David.

What did he say?

Sup?

Okay.

[theme music playing]

Ready when you are, Mr Rose.

Ready for what?

We have a one o'clock
reservation for lunch at the cafe.

Oh, Moira!

I completely
forgot about lunch.

-[gasps]
-And I just gave Stevie the day off.

How many days off is
Stevie allowed to request?

Well, she'd worked
14 straight days, so…

It's starting to
remind me of Rose Video.

When your work consumed you,
and I would miss you so.

Except now,
I don't have the jet

and the free DVD's
to distract me.

Well, I don't know
what to say, sweetheart,

I-I still have most
of the rooms to clean.

Would it be too much to ask
the guests

to clean up after themselves?

Hmm, yes, it would.

It's basically the only
service we provide.

Very well.
[clicks tongue]

If lunch is cancelled,
I suppose I'll show up on time

for Jazzagals rehearsal.

Isn't that something you
should be doing anyway?

Oh, there's so much time
wasted off top, John.

Yap, yap, yap, do, re, mi.

A lip buzzing
till I'm blue in the face!

I promise I'll make it up
to you, sweetheart.

Okay. As long as we're
tabulating scores.

This will mark the third time
you stood me up this week, John.

[David groans]

[grunts]

Turn everything off, please.

Why aren't you dressed?

Because I'm not going.

Because I'm too tired.

You've been sleeping
for two days.

What's your point?

I'm finding it hard
to believe

that you don't have the energy
to go to a spa.

I know, I'm scaring even me.

Why are we going to
a spa, again?

Because you're having
boyfriend issues,

and this is my reluctant
attempt at being supportive.

Well, that's very
thoughtful of you.

I also have a Groupon.

Which I was planning on
using with Jake,

but I thought you might
need it more, so,

get up
before I change my mind.

-I can't.
-Get up.

No!

Oh, my God, David.

Ah! [grunts]

This is really pathetic.

[both panting]

What kinda spa is it,
and will there be treatments?

You're a monster.

[Twyla] Miguel looks so strong
holding all those puppies.

Maybe I should get
into online dating.

Oh, I'm not into online dating,

I'm just showing David
how it works.

-So when are you seeing him?
-Oh, wow, no.

I don't think that would
actually be a good idea.

In fact, I might have
to cancel on him tonight.

So you are seeing him?

Technically, yes.

But, like, he and Ted
have this thing.

Oh, and Ted asked you
not to see him.

No, he doesn't know.

Sorry, so what's the problem?

I mean, Ted's not going
on a date with him.

Yeah, I mean, I guess there
isn't really anything

standing in the way.

So, there you go.

It's just that I used
to date Ted,

and now I'm gonna be
dating this guy,

and it's just gonna be weird.

And I don't wanna do anything
to upset Ted.

So then, maybe don't

go on a date with this guy?

It's just that there
are like ten guys on here,

and three of them are Ray.

[smacks lips] Yeah.

[women singing]
♪ Fat spatula ♪

♪ Fat spatula ♪

♪ Fat spatula ♪

♪ Fat spatula ♪

♪ Fat spatula ♪

-♪ Fat spat… ♪
-[Moira screams]

Oh, John,
what are you doing here?

Is it David?

Oh, no, you can speak freely
in front of the gals.

No, no, David's fine.
David's fine.

A little depressed.
Stevie had to

force him into
her car, but you know…

Then, to what do we owe
this off-book sojourn?

Well, I thought about
what you said,

and I didn't wanna fall
into old habits,

so I delegated the rest
of the cleaning to Roland.

Sweet gesture,
but was that wise?

No offence, Jocelyn.

I was gonna ask him
the same thing.

And that frees us up
for a little date night,

uh, after you've
finished rehearsing.

Oh, where are you taking her?

-The cafe.
-[gasps]

If that doesn't scream romance.

There was a time when
this dusky charmer

used to constantly whisk me
off to ports unknown.

[women exclaiming]

Actually, Johnny,

Ronnie could always use
another baritone.

Why don't you join us?

[laughs] Oh, no.

No, I'm just here to
show support.

So, as you were.

Oh, my husband, the portrait
of self-effacement.

You should all know
that this man's voice

melted more than a few hearts.

[laughter]

Johnny, why don't you just
come and join Ronnie?

Oh, no, no, no!

[women cheering]

No, no.

I haven't used
the old pipes in so long.

And I wouldn't want to…

♪ Impo-o-o-se ♪

[all cheering]

[applause]

Somebody just nailed
their audition.

Oh. [chuckles]

I've got perfect pitch,
so do not mess this up for me.

-I understand.
-Okay.

[exhales]

[David] Oh, wow.

Is this some kind of sick joke?

Yeah, um, so Jake
and I found out

that if you tell these resorts
that it's your honeymoon,

they usually upgrade
your room and stuff,

and give you free booze,
but, uh…

We've never had anything
like this before.

Oh. Lucky me.

Sorry.

Should've just told them
the wedding's off.

So, Jake and his little pony
are goin' on dates

and having sexy
honeymoon weekends?

No, only sometimes,
when it's necessary.

[sighs]

So you're in love then.

You're like
falling in love with Jake.

It's impossible to be in love
with Jake,

only Jake is in love with Jake.

He's just really good
at celebrating my body.

So, I'm keepin' him around.

Have you heard from Patrick?

[sighs] We're taking some
time to regroup at the moment.

Ooh.

Feeling very raw
right now, you know?

Um, it's just like a lot
of emotional triggers.

Like that?

So, thank you for saving me
from myself,

cause one more day
at that motel

and I think things
would've gotten very dark.

Hmm. No problem.
Just put this on.

Okay. I'm not playing into
your fraudulent behaviour.

You still want
the free booze, right?

Give me the ring.

Can't believe I caught that.

♪ Do, do, do, do ♪

♪ I feel so far away ♪

One, two, three, four!

♪ I feel so far away ♪

♪ When we're takin' it home
Takin' it home ♪

-♪ Takin' it home! ♪
-[deep voice] Yeah.

[all cheering]

Not bad. Not bad.

-Oh, thank you, Ronnie.
-[Moira] Oh, John,

a near-perfect return to form.

I thought it was really great.

Ah, Mrs Rose, I didn't know
there were two singers in the family.

Well, professionally speaking
there's still only one.

But I do applaud
the vigour with

which you embrace recreational
activities such as this, Mr Rose.

Well, anything to spend
a little more time

with my special
little songbird.

Ooh. Okay, ladies,
if you don't mind,

I'm going to allow my husband
to steal me away,

for a modest repast
across the avenue.

And I should get back
for my shift.

And we're still going for
post-rehearsal mocktails, right, ladies?

I don't know about anybody
else, but I am drinkin'.

So we're all headed
in the same direction?

[Jocelyn] It looks like it.

I'll get out the fancy
martini glasses. Fun!

Boy, we never did this back
in the Rose Video days, did we?

No, but I'm sure
we had our reasons.

[rock music playing]

-Alexis.
-Yes?

Miguel.

-Oh, my gosh. Hey.
-Hi.

I didn't recognise you
without your nipples.

-Huh?
-The puppies, the, um,

the cute little puppies
that you love to photograph yourself with.

[chuckles] Yeah, yeah,
I left them at home. The puppies.

-Brought the nipples.
-Oh, good.

Not about the nipples,
um, about the puppies.

-Right.
-So, anyway, how are you?

Uh, good. Good, good.

I'm just really glad we could
make this work. Uh, champagne?

Uh, they serve champagne here?

I believe it's
called Zhampagne,

it's from the very famous
Zhampagne region of France.

-Can't wait to try it.
-Mmm-hmm.

Hmm.

So, um,

how long you been on the app?

Uh, oh, I'm not.

Well, I am, but I just
downloaded it to show a friend.

Well, worked out well for me.

-Someone's a smooth talker.
-No.

This is a relief.
I, um…

I was actually thinking
about not coming.

What was holding you back?

Uh, I don't know, just like,
am I ready for this?

And I'm not even on the app,
so like, should I be using it?

I just like making
careful choices.

Yeah, yeah. I'm just glad that
you could come out tonight.

Um… [clears throat]

To… careful choices.

Yes. To that.

[glasses clink]

[piano music playing]

Okay, everybody.

[applause]

Hi, I'm Bobbie, and I am so
excited to be your waitress.

We just love honeymooners here
at Crystal Elms.

Please, right this way.

Here you go.

Wow.

-Oh, my God.
-Thank you.

[Bobbie] Okay.

And I will be right
back with your menus.

Okay.

-No, absolutely not.
-Okay.

And I completely understand.

Um…

I just worry that if we don't put the
hats on, that the other guests

-will inevitably force us to.
-Okay.

So…

So, turns out we are not the only ones
celebrating the bride and groom.

This is from a Patrick.

Says, "Have fun, enjoy the night.
Thinking about you."

Aw. Wow, that is just
very sweet.

And I can assure you
that a fun night is guaranteed

after a bottle of this.
Right? [clicks tongue]

-Yeah, she gets it.
-Okay.

Did our waitress just
make a sex reference?

I mean, I don't think
that's really surprising at this point.

Um, so you obviously
have spoken to Patrick,

since he knows we're here.

Okay, um, we may have
been texting.

He's covering for me at work.

And these, these are our
complimentary lovebird wings.

They are chicken,
not actual lovebirds.

Uh, and, oh, the special
tonight is a lover's curry.

So, I will be back, and I will
take your order. Okay, so…

-Oh, wow.
-Oh, one more.

Oh, my God.

Oh. [chuckles]

Sorry, you were saying?

Um, how did you get
so good at this?

Hmm, you learn pretty quickly

when you're in a Ugandan
diamond smuggler's villa

playing for your
friend's freedom.

-Right, right. Wait, what?
-That was fun.

Yeah, I know. I know.
I don't, uh…

You know, I don't get to date
a lot. Busy schedule and…

…and what not,
but there's just

something about you,
you know…

[laughs] I actually,

I changed my shirt three times
for tonight and, uh…

I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't
be giving that all away.

No, it's cute.

And I was
actually nervous, too.

Well, you…
You look great.

No, yeah,
I know it wasn't that.

Um, you're gonna think
this is so random,

but it was actually
about something else.

Well, whatever it was,

I'm just glad that
we could do this.

-I used to date Ted.
-I'm sorry?

Ted Mullens?

-He's the veterinarian.
-No, no, I know who Ted is.

Okay, cool. I just felt like
we were being honest with each other.

Wait, weren't you
his receptionist?

Executive Assistant.
And, yes, but only for like a minute.

But you guys were engaged?

-Um, very briefly.
-Uh-huh.

-And just twice.
-[sighs]

And we've both moved on.
He has a girlfriend now,

and apparently they're, like,
very serious.

Okay, look, there is nobody
who wants to see Ted fail

more than I do,
professionally speaking.

Personally, I feel like
this is off limits.

It just feels… wrong.

Okay, that is what I've been
saying, to literally everyone.

What, you've been telling
people about this?

No. Some people.
Just close friends.

And that is the reason that
I wasn't gonna come tonight.

Yeah, but you came.

-Okay, bottom line… [chuckles]
-[sighs]

We've both had a lot
of Zhampagne,

so I just feel like we need
to hydrate, and reflect.

Wow.

I mean, yeah, but…

I don't think I can do this.

Okay, just to be clear,
I couldn't do this first.

So I guess I am paying
for the Zhampagne then?

[laughter]

And so, he says to the cop,
"Well, if it was mine,

I wouldn't have put it in
my mouth."

[laughing]

Oh, Veronica, once again,
you reign supreme

as the queen of
the triple entendres.

I just have to say this.

I know that we are
the Jazzagals,

but it was pretty great to have
a Jazza-guy in our midst today.

Uh-oh.

Yeah, if you're around
next week,

it wouldn't hurt to have
the help.

Not to dim the charge on this
delightful conversation,

but John, why don't
you and I go

and get the gals another drink?

-Okay.
-No, no, the next round is on us

for our newest member.

Lemonades for Moira and me.

And two cosmos for
the baritone section.

-[singing] Yes, please.
-[laughter]

[both chuckle]

John, I wanna thank you
for what you did for me today.

And I know it was done
with the best of intentions.

I'm getting the sense
I did something wrong.

Oh, not at all. In fact,
you've enlightened me.

I realise I take one thing
for granted in this town.

-Oh, Moira.
-My time with the Jazzagals.

Ah.

As sad as it sounds… [chuckles]

these rehearsals have
become a tiny oasis

in the echo-y canyon that
I now call my social life.

I don't know
if you've noticed, John,

but this transition has not
been the easiest for me.

And I can't say that
I have not noticed.

Aside from rehearsals,

few things keep me going.

My nightly sleeps,

afternoon naps,

and, of course, meals
with my husband.

And there will be more
of those.

But John,
I have so few pleasures,

that if I start combining them,

then I'll have even less
to look forward to.

[sighs]
I understand, Moira.

So, would you like me to

leave you to cocktails
with the gals, then?

Oh, God, no, we'll leave
together, please.

There are only so many ways
I can feign amusement

at Ronnie's comedia
del commode.

So, the lover's curry
was a mistake.

Yeah, it was.

Uh, but we got through it.

And now we have a story we can
only tell each other. So…

Patrick would find it funny.

We'll not be telling Patrick.

Another secret for the pile.

Okay, not to put any of the blame
on you in this situation.

Obviously, Patrick should've
told you he had a fiancé.

But why didn't you ask him?

If he had a secret fiancé?

Well, no, but did you guys not talk
about your dating history?

I guess I just thought
the deeper we got into his past,

the deeper we'd have
to get into mine.

And historically speaking,

the more I revealed of myself,

the less interested people got.

So…

Okay, so I'm gonna go out
on a limb

and say that you were probably
surrounding yourself

with the wrong people.

And we both know that Patrick
is not that kind of person.

Also, I know everything
about you.

About your history, your family.

And I'm still here.

[inhales]

I think you're my best friend.

You think? [tuts]

Well, I can't know for sure,

because I'm realising now that I don't
think I've ever really had one.

Okay, well,
if we're being honest,

I don't think I've ever had one either.

This would be a really
sweet moment

if what we had just admitted
to each other wasn't so sad.

Sadder?

When you were in the bathroom,

I finished the rest
of the lover's curry.

Okay, you'll be sleeping
in the bathtub tonight.

I understand.

Well, honey, I don't think
you should let

one embarrassing encounter
colour your experience on Bumper.

Bump-kin.

[Moira] So you upload your photo,

and the Bumpkin sends it
to local singles.

It's not called The Bumpkin.

Okay. Oh, here's one.

Isaac, 31,
works on his family's farm.

Certainly loves to take
pictures of himself in waterfalls.

-Hmm.
-Though harvesting crops does produce

a nicely-sculpted physique.

"Looking for a hook-up."

Well, that sounds
promising, Alexis.

He's open to hooking up
for dinner, or drinks.

Uh-uh, that's not
what that means.

-Okay, moving on to Jebediah.
-Okay, stop!

Comes from a large family.
Oh! "Not my kids." Ha!

That's a step in the
right direction, Alexis.

-Scroll down, Moira.
-Okay. "All my wives."

All right, which way do you swipe
to get rid of this one?

-Okay, gimme my phone--
-Oh, Alexis, look,

you've just Bumpkined
with Jebediah.

-What? Ew!
-Oh, and now we're back to Ray.

Ew!

How did Ray get such a beautiful bathroom?

[sighs] Well…

[closing music playing]