All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S04E07.WEB-DL.NF.en

[birds chirping]

All right.

[door opens]

Morning, David.

Ew. What are you all
doing here?

We have a surprise for you.

Judging from the looks
on your faces,
I don't want it.

-Stevie?
-Stevie?

Something arrived
at the front desk for you.

Ah!

It appears someone has
something to celebrate.

Why would Patrick do that?

That was my first thought.

Celebrating a monthly
anniversary seems
a bit of a reach.

But then Alexis informed us

that this is the longest
relationship you've ever had!

-Four whole months, David.
-How 'bout that?

Okay, this is not
the longest relationship
I've ever had.

I had a very intimate
connection with Tony,
for several years.

She was your pen pal, David.

She was in
a penitentiary dear.

Well, this calls
for a celebration.

Now Roland just found
a barbecue in the shed,

so I say you invite Patrick
over, we fire it up,

and have a good old-fashioned
Rose family barbecue.

Yes, David.

I mean, we already
have dessert.

I mean, this would feed
at least 10 people.

Okay, first of all,
no one's sharing the cookie.

And second of all,
Patrick is not being
invited to a barbecue.

-Is he pulling back?
-No!

Has he asked you
about an open relationship?

Not yet. Anyway,
everything is fine,

which is why I would rather
not subject him

to eating charred meat
with this group of carnies.

Carnies are people too.

David, could you
just once embrace joy?

Okay.

Perhaps it's this
nay-saying reticence

that caused your past
relationships to--

-Fall apart.
-Oxidize.

-Oxidize.
-Okay, you know what?

I think we're good here.
Thanks.

So you're bringing Patrick?

Nope, Patrick's
still not coming.

Bye-bye.

[sniffs cookie]

Oh, yeah, it's soft.

[theme music playing]

[jazz music playing]

Do you have any idea
what you've done?

Take it the cookie
went over well?

I have told you
for three months now,

that I don't want
a monthly anniversary gift.

And I know you think
it's very funny,

but this time it went too far.

It's a cookie, David,
what's the big deal?

First of all, a cookie
is always a big deal,

especially when that cookie
just alerted my entire family

to the fact that this is
officially the longest
relationship I've ever had.

This is the longest
relationship you've ever had?

Oh, I shoulda got you
more than a cookie.

Okay, well the cookie
was almost too much.

Figuratively speaking.

I ate half of it
on the way here.

Bottom line,
I just don't think we need
to celebrate as much.

You know, we could
just go day-to-day
like normal people.

If we throw a... If we throw
a renaissance fair every month,

I just feel like
we might be tempting fate.

We are not
tempting fate, okay?

I can't speak to your past,

but I think you might
have an easier time of it,

and maybe a little bit
more fun,

if you just learn
to trust people.

The last time I heard that,
I was dating a birthday clown

who painted my face
in the night,

and was literally never
seen from again.

Noted.

You have nothing
to worry about, David,

and I can return these tickets
to the Julia Stiles-a-thon

-at the drive-in tonight.
-Let me see those.

I agree,
that might have been
a little overboard.

Okay, first of all,
let it be known

that supporting Julia Stiles
is never going overboard.

-Oh, so you can go?
-Um, not tonight.

Tonight I have a thing,
but tomorrow I could come.

What's your thing tonight?

Um, it's just
like a family thing
at the motel.

It's like a nothing thing.
You wouldn't...

Okay, well,
tomorrow night it is.

Now I gotta go to town hall
to get some signatures

for our permit renewal,
but don't worry, David,

unlike the birthday clown,
I will be back.

-He was never found.
-Probably dead.

You just fill this out
and I'll get ya checked in.

-Great, thanks.
-Hey girl.

Oh, you're talkin' to me?

Yeah, who else would I be
talking to? No offence.

What's up?

Okay, so I wanted
to get some advice,
like girl-to-girl,

'cause you're always so good
with boy stuff.

So David's at work and you
had nobody else to talk to?

What? That's...

So I got this message
from Ted,

and I wanted to get
someone's... Your...

-Hmm.
-...Your, specific opinion
before I replied.

Okay, so this is what Ted
sent this morning.

I'm more of a bagel guy,
winky face?

Keep in mind we haven't
seen each other in weeks.

Okay, so it was an accident.

Or, it was made
to look like an accident.

-Okay.
-It's a tactic, Stevie.

You send someone
a random text message
to get their attention,

and then the next thing
you know, you're talking again.

-Who would do that?
-I've done that. Like a lot.

I did it last week.

This is why I choose not
to be in a relationship.

Hey... Alexis.

Rachel, sorry,
I didn't mean to eavesdrop,

but that's like the oldest
trick in the book.

Texting a bunch of letters
and saying your phone

-was unlocked in your purse.
-Right?

I used to text Zac Efron
just like a question mark

whenever I wanted
a booty call.

Poor thing would be like
buzzing my apartment
before I even pressed send.

That's actually
how my fiance and I
keep getting back together.

Okay, Rachel,
you're in Room nine.

Oh, actually we're
just finishing up.

Um, okay so what do you think
I should write back?

Honestly, I don't know
anything about
your relationship,

but I do know that games
only get you so far.

Unless you wanna end up
like me, six months later,

tryin' to win him back
for the 50th time.

Mmm-mmm.
Having flashbacks of Zac Efron.

Isn't it easier to just
be direct?

Either way,
you get an answer.

You're like super smart,
and pretty in like a breezy,

non-threatening sort of way.

Another successful girl talk.

You know, Roland, when you
said you found a grill,

this isn't exactly
what I had in mind.

What'd you expect Johnny,
Benihana? [laughs]

No, there's no dials,
no tanks, no side burners.

I mean, I wasn't expecting
a built-in wine fridge,

but this is nothing like
what I'm used to cooking on.

-[Roland scoffs]
-What?

No, I'm sorry, I just had
an image of you cooking.

Come on, Johnny,
you're talking
to a grill master.

Do you know that I've been
given three different aprons

because of
my barbecue skills?

Let's see,
I've got License to Grill,

I've got Working Grill,

oh, and I have Grills
Just Wanna Have Fun.

It's gonna take more than
a license to grill to get
this thing back to life.

Okay look, um, I can smell
your fear, okay?

So why don't you go grab
the meat and the briquettes,

and I'll get this bad boy
up and running for ya?

Okay well, thank you, Roland.

And just so you're aware,

this has nothing to do
with me not knowing my way
around a grill.

I've watched
many a personal chef
flip a burger in my day.

I've got the perfect
apron for ya,

Poor Little Rich Grill.
[laughs]

I'll get it made up.
[laughs]

-I think so. [laughs]
-I hope so.

It would only be fair.
Please tell me yes.

Uh, hi.

David, someone's ears
must be a-flame.

When you said that
you were coming back,

you just meant that
you weren't coming back,

and that I would have
to spend the afternoon
searching for you

on the train tracks,
and among various
unmarked vans.

You did that for me?

No, but there was a moment
when I thought about doing it.

-David, blame me.
-Oh, I do.

Patrick was about to slip
away with the signatures

when I corralled him into
a little lunchtime chin wag.

Yes, which is how I found out
about the barbecue

that I was invited to,
but didn't know about.

Hmm.

Why didn't you tell me I was
invited to the barbecue?

Well, they only wanted to
have the barbecue

after reading what
was on your cookie.

Yeah, sorry that still
sounds pretty nice to me.

-Thank you, Pat.
-It is nice.

No one's saying it's not nice.
What I'm saying is--

-Yeah, okay.
-[grunts]

Pat, do you mind giving us
the room for just a moment?

-Certainly.
-Okay.

Somebody should probably be
at the store anyway, huh?

-Lovely talking
to you, Mrs Rose.
-You, too.

-Wow.
-[door shuts]

What are you doing?

I told you I didn't want to
make a big deal out of this.

David, you can't blame us
for being excited.

Your father and I,
we weren't involved in your
past relationships,

and from what I understand it
was one bungle after another.

I'm not saying
there's a connection.

There's no connection,

it's just a long string
of very bad luck,

and I don't know
what kind of carnage

I inflicted in a past life,
to deserve it.

I must've been Dracula,
or a spin instructor.

And what if we could finally
tie a sailor's knot

in that string of bad luck?

Because after spending
five minutes alone
with sweet Pat--

We're not doing Pat.

He sees you.
For all that you are.

Well, hopefully not all that
I am, I mean that would be--

Oh, David,
you have the opportunity
to climb out

of the quicksand
that was your past,

and stand firmly
in the present.

Let us celebrate that.

[Sighs] Fine. He can come.

Excellent. And he's
bringing his guitar.

What?

Well, it was mostly
his idea, you know,

in case there's a rousing
fireside sing-along?

No, I draw the line
at sing-along.

[birds chirping]

Whoa, geez, Louise.

Alexis, hey.

Hey. I was in
the neighbourhood,

so I thought I'd just
pop in and say hey.

I was gonna
send a text but um,

I thought it'd be better
if I just came in.

I'm glad you did.

I'm also glad I did.

-It's good to see you.
-It's also good to see you.

Okay, well I just wanted
to say hey,

and I'm here,
and I got your text.

-What text?
-The text.

Did I send a text?

Maybe.

No?

Maybe you didn't.
Did you?
I'm not sure.

What, uh, what'd it say?

Nothing. I don't think
it said anything,

now that I think about it.

No, something about you
being more of a bagel guy.

Oh, my God,
did I send that to you?

-No, I don't think so.
-Oh, my gosh, I did.

-Did you, though?
-I'm sorry,

that wasn't supposed
to be sent to you.

Hello dummy,
why do you think I'm here?

I'm here to tell you
to be careful

because with those texts,
those texts
in the wrong hands...

Yeah, it was actually
meant for Heather.

Heather, yes. Yes.

You and Heath and the bagels.

Yeah, she was just asking
if she should pick up
scones or bagels.

Anyway, now we know.
Now we know.

You shoulda just texted.
You didn't have to come
all the way down here.

Well, no, um, as I was
saying, I was in the area.

So, I just wanted to pop in
and see the look on your face

when you realized
that you'd sent the text
to the wrong person.

Ooh.

-[fake squeal]
-[laughs]

Um, hmm.

Um, hey I'm sorry
if I haven't been in touch
as much recently.

Oh, my God, please. Please.

Uh, no, I should
get outta your hair.

But it was good to see you,
Mr Bagel. [laughs]

That's a you-and-Heather thing,

but now that you texted me,
it's kind of like
an all-of-us thing.

So, have a great
afternoon today.

Looking good, Roland!

What time do you wanna
fire this baby up?

Uh, I dunno, probably about
an hour before you wanna eat.

Oh, well I was hoping
to eat around 8:00.

Where are we, Barcelona?
[laughs]

-Uh, well then 7:00.
-Yeah, 7:00 sounds better.

-Honey, you ready to go?
-Yeah.

Wait, wait,
where are you going?

Oh, Jocelyn and I have
another one of those

birthing rehearsals
we gotta go to.

I just bought $100
worth of sliders.

Geez Johnny,
thanks for rubbing it in
when you know I can't come.

You can't come?

You didn't say you can't come!

You were bragging
about being a grill master.

He really is.
Did you tell him
about the aprons?

Yes, he did!
And I was counting on him
to do the grilling!

You know, Johnny,
maybe you should consider
calling off the barbecue.

Well, I'm not calling it off!

I just have to figure
this thing out.

Right, cut to...
[explosion sound]

Well, we're not cutting
to... [explosion sound]

Cut to, I've ruined
my sliders! [laughs]

Cut to, how does
this thing work? [laughs]

See, this wasn't as hard
as you thought it was.

Mr Rose, would you mind
taking a few steps back?

Oh, what you're gonna spray
the briquettes again?

Nope.

You guys want me to jump in?

No, I think
we've got it covered.

Oh, you do, oh, great, 'cause
I'm gonna get another beer.

-Hmm?
-There ya go.

All right.

Well, finally.
Back at the old grill.

I'd say that one looks
about perfect.

I was gonna say
the same thing.

Specifically which one
were you talking about?

-Just this one, here.
-Oh, yeah, that's the one.

Okay, should I save him?

Oh, they'll be fine.

Let's just sit back
and enjoy the sight

of our two strapping men
bonding over an open flame.

[Johnny] This one looks good,
is this one cooked?

Okay, so what else is new?
How's the shop?

-Thriving.
-Yes.

Which is shocking because
as you may or may not know,

I've struggled with group work
in the past.

David, you are living
an exciting new chapter

in the book on tape
of your life.

And you... You did this all
by yourself.

Okay, just so you know,
that's not really a compliment,

but thank you.

-Oh, my God, hey.
-Hi.

Um, so I took your advice,
which in retrospect is weird

considering we like
literally just met.

Fair enough. And?

Turns out that text message
wasn't for me after all.

His girlfriend was
at a bakery,

hence, the whole,
"I prefer bagels thing".

Right.
So that girlfriend detail

woulda been pretty useful
in the conversation

we had earlier,
but still, I'm sorry.

Oh, I feel somewhat
responsible.

Yeah, I can see that.

It's just weird
because like,

I'm always
the one being chased.

I assumed that,
based on your face,
and body.

Right?

At least you got your answer.

You know what, Rach,
part of me feels like

we were destined
to meet today.

Well, that would make you
the one good thing
to come outta my day.

-Oh, no.
-Yeah.

To be honest, I came here
to win someone back,

and it didn't happen.

So, my big grand gesture
ends here.

Sleeping alone
in some roadside motel.

Listen, it's not over yet.

Why don't you come with me
to the barbecue that
my parents are throwing?

We can be
each other's little...
Little daties.

I would love that.

Thank you.

-That's it, watch your step.
-Yeah.

Okay, right, here. Perfect.

Perfect. There ya go,
we make a good team, Pat.

-No, John, no,
we're not doing Pat.
-No, we're not.

Okay, we're not waiting
for Alexis, are we?

Because honestly,
I could eat this tablecloth.

Medium rare for David.
Thank you.

You know um, this wasn't
actually the first time

that I've been put to work
by the Rose family.

My first job in high school
was actually at a Rose Video.

Get outta town! What branch?

-785.
-785.

-Impressive late fees.
-Thank you.

Can you pass
the ketchup, please?

Okay, how did I not know that
you worked at a Rose Video?

Well, let's hope
that you continue
to surprise each other.

It keeps the relationship
titillating.

Okay, please never
say titillating

when referring
to my relationship.

-Oh, can I though?
-No.

Well, anyone with a glass,
please raise them.

To relationships...

Old and new.

Um, thanks for waiting.

Alexis! Just in time!

Everybody, this is
my new friend Rachel,
she's having a bit of a day.

Patrick?

Rachel, what are you
doing here?

What are you doing here?
I've been texting you
for two days.

Wait,
Patrick is your fiance?

Uh, I'm sorry
you have a fiancee?

No I...
I mean I don't now.

But yes, at some point
I mean, we... We were...

Patrick, what's going on here?

Okay, um, I just think
I might need a sec.

[Sighs] David.

I'm gonna talk to you
in a minute, we've got
a lot to talk about.

Who is she?

I glanced down at my plate
for two seconds.

[sighs]

David, I need to explain
a couple of things.

Um, what would be the main
one, do you think?

Rachel and I were engaged,

but I called it off
before I moved here.

Okay, you know what,
you don't need
to explain yourself.

-I think...
I think that I do.
-No, I know you do,

that's just what I'm supposed
to be saying in the moment,

-so, please continue.
-Okay um,

we got together when we were
in high school,

and we've been
on and off ever since.

I don't know we always just
sorta fell back into it.

Anyway,
she's been reaching out

and expecting us
to get back together

-for the past few months.
-Whoa.

Over the past few months?

And you didn't think
to tell me about this?

You stood in front of me
and told me to trust people.

I know.

When I was perfectly fine
not trusting people.

Not trusting people
is what I'm used to.

It is my comfort zone.
But next thing I know,

there's an oversized cookie
on my doorstep,

and you are telling me
that I have nothing
to worry about.

I didn't want it to affect
what we have. Okay?

And I mean it
when I tell you

that you have nothing
to worry about.

'Cause no matter how hard
I tried with her,

it just never felt right.

And up until recently,
I didn't understand why.

David, I've spent most
of my life

not knowing what right
was supposed to feel like,
and then I met you.

And everything changed.

You make me feel right, David.

That is quite possibly one
of the most beautiful things

I've ever heard anyone say.

Um...
Outside of the
"Downton Christmas Special".

-It's the truth.
-I know um...

It's just that my truth

is that I am damaged goods,

and this has really messed
things up for me.

And I think I need
some time with it.

All right.

Actually um,

I haven't had
dinner yet, so...

I'll grab ya a slider.

More than one, um,
and some potato salad,

and I think there were some
other sides on the table,

but I couldn't see,
so maybe just a smattering
of everything.

Okay.

[emotionally] Okay.

[woman on TV] I talked
to Tommy yesterday,

he seemed very, very upset.

Okay, how long do you think
before I can go in there?

Well, I don't know,
he had six sliders.

I'm assuming he'll be
falling asleep soon.

My poor baby.

I told him he was out
of the quicksand,

but he's not, John,
he's sinking.

And there's nothing
I can do about it.

Okay, don't get me wrong,
I feel super bad,

and partially responsible
because I invited Rachel
to the barbecue,

but at the same time,
he's been watching
that show for three hours

and my phone's in there.

Well, you might have
to go one night without
your phone, Alexis.

Ugh!

David! David!

[woman on TV] I know he will,
but what's gone so wrong

between the two of you?

What's so wrong that
it can't be patched up?

-You don't mean--
-Yes, it's true!