All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S04E06.WEB-DL.NF.en

Hey, Ronnie, I need the
combination to the safe.

It's your safe.
You have the combination.

Okay, then I need the number
of a locksmith.

I used a guy this weekend.

Yeah, Gwen locked me out.
[laughs]

By accident.

Roland, why do you
need the safe?

I've just been
to the baby doctor,

and I have some top secret
information

about whether it's a boy
or a girl.

Joce and I wanna keep it
a surprise.

Your wife's pregnant
in her 40's.

How many surprises do you need?

Er, it's kind of a Schitt
family tradition there, Ronnie.

Okay, I guess I just gotta
crack this myself.

It's either my birthday,
or Gloria Estefan's.

-Mucho dias, mes amis.
-Morning!

Anyway, moral of the story,
I got a new keychain,

and I keep a sleeping bag
in the car. [laughs]

Okay, turns out it's Gloria's,
September 1, 57.

Who put a picture of a ghost
on my desk?

[Roland gasps]

I can't believe
you opened that!

It was on my desk.

That's the sonogram
of our baby!

I've been tryin' not
to look at it.

We don't wanna know
what we're having.

Roland, you couldn't
possibly discern...

Oh, no, it tells you here
at the bottom.

-Don't say a word.
-That's not fair!

Roland, why should I be
the only one encumbered

with this emotional cargo?

Oh, Ronnie, Ronnie,

might you and I confabulate
for a moment in the back room?

No, Moira, I'm not falling
for that one.

No, I assure you.

I assure you it's a salacious
bit of Council-related news.

Oh.

Robert?

Thank you.

[theme music playing]

[jazz music plays]

[inhales]

Okay, I'm gonna say it,
we've been open
for three hours now,

and not a single customer's
walked through that door.

Well, I mean, I heard that
there was a storm warning

-for today, so.
-Oh.

How do you explain yesterday?

Maybe the storm warning
was for yesterday.

So then how do you
explain today?

Okay, I don't have all
the answers.

Erm, have we checked to see
if the door is unlocked?

I think that we need to be
a little more proactive
about this.

We can't just
wait for people to come in.

We have to find better ways
to engage with the community.

Or, hey, just like a way.

Just one way to engage
with the community.

Well, there's someone...
that is going to the cafe.

You know why people
are always in the cafe?

Because they feel
at home there,

it feels, like, comfortable.

Okay, are you saying that I
don't make people feel at home?

Erm...

Okay.

You remember
our opening day here?

Yes! It was opening day,
and there was booze.

-And people are drunks.
-Yes but they still showed up.

We need to do something
to make this store

feel a little bit more
accessible,

-a little bit more inclusive.
-[David sighs]

Okay. Well, I am open
to suggestions.

What if we hosted
an open mic night?

I am open to suggestions.

I actually used to host one
in high school.

There was a little cafe around
the corner from my house,

it had a little stage
in the back.

Drew a pretty big crowd.

Okay.

So there was a point
at which you,

and some of your fellow amateur
singer songwriters

would gather and perform poetry
and songs?

-Yeah.
-For one another?

-Mm-hmm. That's right.
-Oh, God.

The occasional improv
troupe would stop by.

I'm, erm...
I'm feeling kind of ill.

David, you can laugh now,

but an open mic night can be
a surprising amount of fun.

Worst case scenario, we get
some people in the store.

Okay, no, worst case scenario,
I watch improv.

[Alexis clears throat]

Okay, so first of all,
I would like to thank you both

for meeting with me today.

Was this really necessary?

That's a good question,
and the answer is, yes.

Erm, I'm just gonna say it.

This place needs a tonne
of work, like top to tail.

We're talking serious,
but manageable, fixes.

I think what you mean to say
is proposed improvements?

-No, I mean like full-blown
things that need fixing.
-Oh.

Erm, the comment cards,
for example,

It's become very clear to me
that you don't read them.

They're just a placebo effect

for people who feel
the need to complain.

Er, you have to take those
with a grain of salt, honey.

Those cards are written
by embittered people

with way too much time
on their hands.

A lot of these are from Mom.

Erm, but some of them
are from people

who are trying to point out
things like,

you don't even have a website.

-We have a website.
-No. I looked it up,

and it's just like a cartoon
of a construction worker

holding a sign that says
"we'll be right back". So.

It's under construction.

And the phone booking
system works just fine.

Erm, actually, the phone
booking system is confusing,

and the woman's voice was
aggressive and off-putting.

-I had strep at the time.
-Okay.

I'm gonna offer you both
a PR and marketing strategy,

pro bono.

And if you're into it,
we'll pull the trigger,

we'll work on my contract
and my salary,

and then we'll get things
going from there.

Well, now's not
the time to take our foot
off the gas, Stevie,

and if we have a publicist
at our disposal.

Would we call her
a publicist?

Erm, I actually prefer
to be called

-a freelance brand invigorator.
-[Stevie groans]

And I also have a super easy
multi-step plan in place

for the motel.

That sounds intense.

Erm, maybe we should
take a minute
and think about this.

Well, I don't think there's
any harm

in exploring step one
of the plan.

That's great,
because step one
of the plan

was this presentation,
and we nailed it.

So, as your new VP of Marketing
and Communications,

I'd say we're off
to a great start.

Yeah.

I'll pass.

[car engine revving]

[door chime rings]

Don't worry, Moira,

I'm not gonna ask you whether
I'm having a boy or a girl.

Wonderful.

Roland told me
what happened today,

I just feel terrible that you
are in this sticky situation.

Don't worry, I've propelled
it to the back of my brain.

You must think
that this is silly,

but keeping the gender
of the baby a secret

is a bit of a tradition
in Roland's family.

I believe he said so, yes.

It goes way back.
Way, way back.

Salem, Massachusetts, actually.

Yeah, his great-great-great
great-grandmother

accurately guessed the sex
of her daughter's baby,

and then was put on trial
for witchcraft,

-so, you could see why.
-Toil and trouble.

Roland never should've left
that envelope on your desk.

And now look at you,
burdened with this secret.

I mean, you must just wanna
shout out

"It's a boy!"
Or, "It's a girl!"

-Is it a girl?
-Valiant attempt, Jocelyn.

I was just testing you.

I mean, I wouldn't wanna break
the Schitt family tradition.

Stupid witch!

Oh, Jocelyn, look at yourself.

I know. I'm embarrassed
by my behaviour.

And you are being
so strong, Moira.

I can't imagine just holding
all that information,

-keeping it to yourself.
-Veronica!

[door chime rings]

She just have forgotten
her handbag.

I'm sorry, you were talking
about something?

Someone took a long
coffee break.

Oh, I'm sorry,
did I miss the evening rush?

Er, yes,
one customer came in,

who was asking for directions.

Well, I have good news.

I got us a permit
for tomorrow night,

and Ronnie says that we can get
around the liquor licence

if we just charge people
cover at the door, so.

What's the permit for?

The open mic night.

Oh!

So we're moving forward with
the open mic night, then.

Yeah! We're moving forward
with it.

People are pretty excited
about it, too.

Did you know Bob does beat
poetry in his spare time?

No.

Oh, God. Um...
What's that-what's that?

This is called
an acoustic guitar.

Right. Okay,

when we were talking
about the open mic night,

I thought that you would be
hosting it,

not performing at it.

Well, traditionally the host
plays at least one song, so.

Right. Okay.

So then you will be playing
your acoustic guitar

in front of people then,
in public.

-And singing a song.
-And singing a song.

I was thinking about singing
an original song.

-An original song?
-But then I thought, you know,

it's probably best just
to stick with a classic.

Yeah. Classic.

So I'm sensing some
apprehension.

No, I think it's,
you know, i's...

I's not scary or embarrassing

for the person you're dating
to sing at you

with an acoustic guitar
in front of people.

I think that's cool.

David, you're gonna be fine.

It's just a way to get some
people in the store, okay?

Yeah. Yes, for sure.

I mean, if you are confident

to put yourself
and our relationship
at risk like that,

then I am 87% behind you.

Good to know.
So now the only question is,

-do I wear my fringed vest?
-Okay.

Or more importantly,
do I wear anything under it?

-Okay.
-[strums guitar]

[camera clicks]

[camera clicking]

Okay, hi, hi.

This image is gonna be used
as the key art

for the new website, so it has
to be like, on message.

Yes, uh, Stevie, Mr Rose,

the motivation here
is two small-town friends

welcoming guests
to their humble motel.

Oh. Should I be holding
a key?

No, Mr Rose, unless you wanna
look really, really corny.

Yeah, like really, really
cheesy, and off-brand.

All right, no key. No key.

Just look at the camera
like, er, it's a guest.

If the camera was your guest,
how would you greet her?

I don't know.

Erm, welcome to the
Schitt's Creek Motel.

I'm Johnny Rose.

Okay, yes, but no,
don't use your mouth.

Erm, talk to the guests
with your face.

Smile with your eyes.

What the fuck does that mean?

Okay, Johnny, what are
we doing with our hands?

Alexis, I don't love you
calling me Johnny.

-Okay, are we done here?
-Okay, it's probably my fault,

but I don't think I've gotten
a good photo yet.

Yeah, something about this
is just not working for me.

Erm, like can you...
[whispers indistinctly]

Okay, um, Mr Rose,

would you mind taking
one step to your left?

Okay, now, three more steps
to your left.

So, Stevie, one other angle

that I'm playing is focusing
just on you.

You're the hook.

Pretty country girl who doesn't
care about big city things

like dressing well,
or how she looks.

We could rename the motel like,
Stevie's Place.

Stevie's Place sounds like
a shelter for battered men.

Okay, well, the name was
just a jumping off point.

Erm, we could use your
last name,

and call it the Budd Inn.

And now that I'm saying
that out loud,

obviously we're not gonna
do that.

But I do wanna focus on you.

Is this a team meeting,
cos I'm part of the team.

Er, no, we're good,
we're gonna focus
on a solo shot.

Solo?

Don't take it personally,
Mr Rose,

it's probably because
you didn't know what to do
with your hands.

Or maybe it's because
your face looked like

it tasted something sour.
Or maybe--

Thank you, Ray, I get it.

Okay, actually, I'm really
not good with this.

Okay, Stevie,
you need more confidence,

-because this is all you.
-[camera clicks]

[camera clicking]

Like literally anything.

[camera clicks]

Okay, I'm gonna need a minute.

We didn't budget for that,
but sure.

Attention everyone,
after much, much discussion,

and a brief seance,
Roland and I have decided--

We wanna know the sex
of our baby, Moira!

Oh boy. Er, could we hold off
until I get Gwen on the phone?

Are we really still
talking about this?

Ronnie, you don't have
to stick around

-if you don't want to.
-No, no, I'm in it now.

Well, I'm not so sure I am.

Knowing everything your
great-grandmother went through,

I would... No,
I will not be held accountable

for invoking a coven.

Er, Gwen has stopped
her Pilates tape for this,

so, er, can we get
a move on here?

Very well, then.

It's a girl.

[cheering]

[both] Tammy!

-Or a boy.
-Huh?

-Perhaps it's a boy.
-Wait, which one is it?

All of a sudden,
expected attention

has me doubting what I saw.
I barely glanced at that paper.

[sighs]

No.
No, I very clearly remember,

an M and an F,

just can't recall
which one was circled.

-Well, could you try?
-It's your fault!

You told me to keep it
a secret,

and that's exactly what I did,
even from myself.

Okay, well, nobody panic.

Where did you put the sonogram?

In the safe.

And I wrote down the new
combination on a sticky note.

Perfect, so where's
the sticky note?

Well, the sticky note,
I believe,

is also in the safe.

Well, that, I will admit,
is my blunder.

Gwen, you still there? Hello?

I'm goin' home.

[Robert hangs up phone]

Hey, so no presh,

but the hot 10 I've given you
has turned into a very hot 20.

Yeah, I'm just a little
overwhelmed right now.

Okay, erm, babe, I get it.

You're probably thinking like,

"Oh, is my foundation off
by a shade?

Am I wearing the wrong top?"

And the bottom line is, maybe.

But you know what?

So, I'm playing around
with Ray,

we took some shots with
my hands outta my pockets,

and he thinks with a little
photoshopping,

they may turn out okay.

-Everything good here?
-Erm, Stevie has cold feet.

Okay, Stevie, I know this is
a little overwhelming,

but if you wanna grow
the business,

you gotta play the game.

Maybe I don't wanna play
the game.

Maybe I don't wanna grow
the business.

Okay, Stevie, as VP,
and CEO of In-House Publicity,

growing the business
is generally considered

to be a good thing.

Right, but the more we grow
the business,

the more money we make.
And the more money we make,

the more likely you are
to take off,

and then I will be left here
stuck with

way more responsibility
than I ever asked for.

What would make you think
I would walk away
from this business?

Aside from the fact
that your wife

-talks about leaving every day?
-Okay, sorry to jump in again,

but this conversation seems
like something

we should have had before
the photo shoot.

Stevie, whatever decisions
we make,

we make them together.

Nobody's gonna
leave you behind.

Can I get that in writing?

Yeah. We can do that.

Okay, this is cute.
This is cute.

Ray should be seeing this.

Ray! You should be seeing this.

Johnny's looking half-normal.

[chattering indistinctly]

-Hi.
-You see?

You see what I told you?

This is all it took to get
people out on a work night.

Yup, a lot of people are
shopping and drinking.

I don't even know if we need
to do the open mic part.

Oh, we need the open mic part.

-Do we?
-Yeah.

Okay. [sighs]

Hey, I think we're going to
uh, get things started here.

-[crowd cheering]
-How's everybody doin'?

-[crowd cheering]
-Awesome.

Thanks so much for
coming to, uh,

what I hope will be the first
of many open mic nights

here at the Rose Apothecary.

Erm, David and I are so excited
you could all come.

-I see everybody's loaded up
on drink tickets.
-[man] Oh, yeah.

That's good news.

I'm going to...
I guess I'm gonna
get the party started,

right after I tune up
this little baby.

Oh, dear, you're awfully brave
allowing your beau

to indulge himself like this.

Okay, this was not my idea.

All right, um...

I would like to dedicate
this song

to a very special someone
in my life.

-David Rose.
-Okay.

There he is, right there.
That's him. Can't miss him.

You'll let me know if I
should pull the fire alarm?

Yes.

[Patrick playing guitar]

[playing Simply the Best
by Tina Turner]

♪ I call you when I need you,
My heart's on fire ♪

♪ You come to me wild
And wired ♪

♪ You come to me ♪

♪ And give me everything
I need ♪

♪ Give me a lifetime
Of promises ♪

♪ And a world of dreams ♪

♪ Speak the language of love
Like you know what it means ♪

♪ And it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Take my heart
And make it strong, babe ♪

♪ 'Cause you're simply
The best ♪

♪ Better than all the rest ♪

♪ Better than anyone ♪

♪ Anyone I've ever met ♪

♪ And I'm stuck on your heart ♪

♪ I hang on every word
You say ♪

♪ Tear us apart ♪

♪ Baby, I'd rather be dead ♪

♪ In your heart I see ♪

♪ The start of every night
And every day ♪

-Moira?
-[gasps]

Oh, you two,
I told you I don't know.

But we do.
We called the doctor.

You did? Lovely.

Don't you wanna know
what it is?

I'll give you three guesses.

Moira, we're having a boy.

A boy, I believe I told
you that.

How wonderful!

My boy right now
is being serenaded

by his butter-voiced beau.

♪ In your heart I see ♪

♪ The start of every night
And every day ♪

♪ In your eyes I get lost
I get washed away ♪

♪ Just as long as I'm here
In your arms ♪

♪ I can be in no
Better place ♪

♪ You're simply the best ♪

♪ Better than all the rest ♪

♪ Better than anyone ♪

♪ Anyone I've ever met♪

♪ Oh, you're the best ♪

[strums final chord]

[crowd applauding and cheering]

Thank you.

Thank you!

[crowd applauding]

[crickets chirping]

Okay, I'm so excited
for you to see this.

This would've been much more
of a surprise,

if I hadn't heard the
construction all morning.

Okay, Stevie, you can take
the blindfold off.

In ten, nine--

Okay, just take
the blindfold off.

See Stevie,
we're both up there, now.

Why isn't it just Rose Motel?

The Rosebud makes it
a sad stunted thing.

Okay, it's just that Budd
is Stevie's last name.

Oh, oh, that's nice then.

Yeah, except it's Budd,
with two D's, but...

Okay, well that would just
look insane.

Also, I didn't know that.

Can we have breakfast now?

Yeah, let's celebrate.
Come on!

Oh, erm, not to brag,
but this rebrand got me 77%

on my final marketing exam.

Okay, have you
ever gotten an A?

Enough, David.

[birds chirping]