Original subtitles

Hey, Ronnie, I need the combination to the safe.

It's your safe. You have the combination.

Okay, then I need the number of a locksmith.

I used a guy this weekend.

Yeah, Gwen locked me out. [laughs]

By accident.

Roland, why do you need the safe?

I've just been to the baby doctor,

and I have some top secret information

about whether it's a boy or a girl.

Joce and I wanna keep it a surprise.

Your wife's pregnant in her 40's.

How many surprises do you need?

Er, it's kind of a Schitt family tradition there, Ronnie.

Okay, I guess I just gotta crack this myself.

It's either my birthday, or Gloria Estefan's.

-Mucho dias, mes amis. -Morning!

Anyway, moral of the story, I got a new keychain,

and I keep a sleeping bag in the car. [laughs]

Okay, turns out it's Gloria's, September 1, 57.

Who put a picture of a ghost on my desk?

[Roland gasps]

I can't believe you opened that!

It was on my desk.

That's the sonogram of our baby!

I've been tryin' not to look at it.

We don't wanna know what we're having.

Roland, you couldn't possibly discern...

Oh, no, it tells you here at the bottom.

-Don't say a word. -That's not fair!

Roland, why should I be the only one encumbered

with this emotional cargo?

Oh, Ronnie, Ronnie,

might you and I confabulate for a moment in the back room?

No, Moira, I'm not falling for that one.

No, I assure you.

I assure you it's a salacious bit of Council-related news.

Oh.

Robert?

Thank you.

[theme music playing]

[jazz music plays]

[inhales]

Okay, I'm gonna say it, we've been open for three hours now,

and not a single customer's walked through that door.

Well, I mean, I heard that there was a storm warning

-for today, so. -Oh.

How do you explain yesterday?

Maybe the storm warning was for yesterday.

So then how do you explain today?

Okay, I don't have all the answers.

Erm, have we checked to see if the door is unlocked?

I think that we need to be a little more proactive about this.

We can't just wait for people to come in.

We have to find better ways to engage with the community.

Or, hey, just like a way.

Just one way to engage with the community.

Well, there's someone... that is going to the cafe.

You know why people are always in the cafe?

Because they feel at home there,

it feels, like, comfortable.

Okay, are you saying that I don't make people feel at home?

Erm...

Okay.

You remember our opening day here?

Yes! It was opening day, and there was booze.

-And people are drunks. -Yes but they still showed up.

We need to do something to make this store

feel a little bit more accessible,

-a little bit more inclusive. -[David sighs]

Okay. Well, I am open to suggestions.

What if we hosted an open mic night?

I am open to suggestions.

I actually used to host one in high school.

There was a little cafe around the corner from my house,

it had a little stage in the back.

Drew a pretty big crowd.

Okay.

So there was a point at which you,

and some of your fellow amateur singer songwriters

would gather and perform poetry and songs?

-Yeah. -For one another?

-Mm-hmm. That's right. -Oh, God.

The occasional improv troupe would stop by.

I'm, erm... I'm feeling kind of ill.

David, you can laugh now,

but an open mic night can be a surprising amount of fun.

Worst case scenario, we get some people in the store.

Okay, no, worst case scenario, I watch improv.

[Alexis clears throat]

Okay, so first of all, I would like to thank you both

for meeting with me today.

Was this really necessary?

That's a good question, and the answer is, yes.

Erm, I'm just gonna say it.

This place needs a tonne of work, like top to tail.

We're talking serious, but manageable, fixes.

I think what you mean to say is proposed improvements?

-No, I mean like full-blown things that need fixing. -Oh.

Erm, the comment cards, for example,

It's become very clear to me that you don't read them.

They're just a placebo effect

for people who feel the need to complain.

Er, you have to take those with a grain of salt, honey.

Those cards are written by embittered people

with way too much time on their hands.

A lot of these are from Mom.

Erm, but some of them are from people

who are trying to point out things like,

you don't even have a website.

-We have a website. -No. I looked it up,

and it's just like a cartoon of a construction worker

holding a sign that says "we'll be right back". So.

It's under construction.

And the phone booking system works just fine.

Erm, actually, the phone booking system is confusing,

and the woman's voice was aggressive and off-putting.

-I had strep at the time. -Okay.

I'm gonna offer you both a PR and marketing strategy,

pro bono.

And if you're into it, we'll pull the trigger,

we'll work on my contract and my salary,

and then we'll get things going from there.

Well, now's not the time to take our foot off the gas, Stevie,

and if we have a publicist at our disposal.

Would we call her a publicist?

Erm, I actually prefer to be called

-a freelance brand invigorator. -[Stevie groans]

And I also have a super easy multi-step plan in place

for the motel.

That sounds intense.

Erm, maybe we should take a minute and think about this.

Well, I don't think there's any harm

in exploring step one of the plan.

That's great, because step one of the plan

was this presentation, and we nailed it.

So, as your new VP of Marketing and Communications,

I'd say we're off to a great start.

Yeah.

I'll pass.

[car engine revving]

[door chime rings]

Don't worry, Moira,

I'm not gonna ask you whether I'm having a boy or a girl.

Wonderful.

Roland told me what happened today,

I just feel terrible that you are in this sticky situation.

Don't worry, I've propelled it to the back of my brain.

You must think that this is silly,

but keeping the gender of the baby a secret

is a bit of a tradition in Roland's family.

I believe he said so, yes.

It goes way back. Way, way back.

Salem, Massachusetts, actually.

Yeah, his great-great-great great-grandmother

accurately guessed the sex of her daughter's baby,

and then was put on trial for witchcraft,

-so, you could see why. -Toil and trouble.

Roland never should've left that envelope on your desk.

And now look at you, burdened with this secret.

I mean, you must just wanna shout out

"It's a boy!" Or, "It's a girl!"

-Is it a girl? -Valiant attempt, Jocelyn.

I was just testing you.

I mean, I wouldn't wanna break the Schitt family tradition.

Stupid witch!

Oh, Jocelyn, look at yourself.

I know. I'm embarrassed by my behaviour.

And you are being so strong, Moira.

I can't imagine just holding all that information,

-keeping it to yourself. -Veronica!

[door chime rings]

She just have forgotten her handbag.

I'm sorry, you were talking about something?

Someone took a long coffee break.

Oh, I'm sorry, did I miss the evening rush?

Er, yes, one customer came in,

who was asking for directions.

Well, I have good news.

I got us a permit for tomorrow night,

and Ronnie says that we can get around the liquor licence

if we just charge people cover at the door, so.

What's the permit for?

The open mic night.

Oh!

So we're moving forward with the open mic night, then.

Yeah! We're moving forward with it.

People are pretty excited about it, too.

Did you know Bob does beat poetry in his spare time?

No.

Oh, God. Um... What's that-what's that?

This is called an acoustic guitar.

Right. Okay,

when we were talking about the open mic night,

I thought that you would be hosting it,

not performing at it.

Well, traditionally the host plays at least one song, so.

Right. Okay.

So then you will be playing your acoustic guitar

in front of people then, in public.

-And singing a song. -And singing a song.

I was thinking about singing an original song.

-An original song? -But then I thought, you know,

it's probably best just to stick with a classic.

Yeah. Classic.

So I'm sensing some apprehension.

No, I think it's, you know, i's...

I's not scary or embarrassing

for the person you're dating to sing at you

with an acoustic guitar in front of people.

I think that's cool.

David, you're gonna be fine.

It's just a way to get some people in the store, okay?

Yeah. Yes, for sure.

I mean, if you are confident

to put yourself and our relationship at risk like that,

then I am 87% behind you.

Good to know. So now the only question is,

-do I wear my fringed vest? -Okay.

Or more importantly, do I wear anything under it?

-Okay. -[strums guitar]

[camera clicks]

[camera clicking]

Okay, hi, hi.

This image is gonna be used as the key art

for the new website, so it has to be like, on message.

Yes, uh, Stevie, Mr Rose,

the motivation here is two small-town friends

welcoming guests to their humble motel.

Oh. Should I be holding a key?

No, Mr Rose, unless you wanna look really, really corny.

Yeah, like really, really cheesy, and off-brand.

All right, no key. No key.

Just look at the camera like, er, it's a guest.

If the camera was your guest, how would you greet her?

I don't know.

Erm, welcome to the Schitt's Creek Motel.

I'm Johnny Rose.

Okay, yes, but no, don't use your mouth.

Erm, talk to the guests with your face.

Smile with your eyes.

What the fuck does that mean?

Okay, Johnny, what are we doing with our hands?

Alexis, I don't love you calling me Johnny.

-Okay, are we done here? -Okay, it's probably my fault,

but I don't think I've gotten a good photo yet.

Yeah, something about this is just not working for me.

Erm, like can you... [whispers indistinctly]

Okay, um, Mr Rose,

would you mind taking one step to your left?

Okay, now, three more steps to your left.

So, Stevie, one other angle

that I'm playing is focusing just on you.

You're the hook.

Pretty country girl who doesn't care about big city things

like dressing well, or how she looks.

We could rename the motel like, Stevie's Place.

Stevie's Place sounds like a shelter for battered men.

Okay, well, the name was just a jumping off point.

Erm, we could use your last name,

and call it the Budd Inn.

And now that I'm saying that out loud,

obviously we're not gonna do that.

But I do wanna focus on you.

Is this a team meeting, cos I'm part of the team.

Er, no, we're good, we're gonna focus on a solo shot.

Solo?

Don't take it personally, Mr Rose,

it's probably because you didn't know what to do with your hands.

Or maybe it's because your face looked like

it tasted something sour. Or maybe--

Thank you, Ray, I get it.

Okay, actually, I'm really not good with this.

Okay, Stevie, you need more confidence,

-because this is all you. -[camera clicks]

[camera clicking]

Like literally anything.

[camera clicks]

Okay, I'm gonna need a minute.

We didn't budget for that, but sure.

Attention everyone, after much, much discussion,

and a brief seance, Roland and I have decided--

We wanna know the sex of our baby, Moira!

Oh boy. Er, could we hold off until I get Gwen on the phone?

Are we really still talking about this?

Ronnie, you don't have to stick around

-if you don't want to. -No, no, I'm in it now.

Well, I'm not so sure I am.

Knowing everything your great-grandmother went through,

I would... No, I will not be held accountable

for invoking a coven.

Er, Gwen has stopped her Pilates tape for this,

so, er, can we get a move on here?

Very well, then.

It's a girl.

[cheering]

[both] Tammy!

-Or a boy. -Huh?

-Perhaps it's a boy. -Wait, which one is it?

All of a sudden, expected attention

has me doubting what I saw. I barely glanced at that paper.

[sighs]

No. No, I very clearly remember,

an M and an F,

just can't recall which one was circled.

-Well, could you try? -It's your fault!

You told me to keep it a secret,

and that's exactly what I did, even from myself.

Okay, well, nobody panic.

Where did you put the sonogram?

In the safe.

And I wrote down the new combination on a sticky note.

Perfect, so where's the sticky note?

Well, the sticky note, I believe,

is also in the safe.

Well, that, I will admit, is my blunder.

Gwen, you still there? Hello?

I'm goin' home.

[Robert hangs up phone]

Hey, so no presh,

but the hot 10 I've given you has turned into a very hot 20.

Yeah, I'm just a little overwhelmed right now.

Okay, erm, babe, I get it.

You're probably thinking like,

"Oh, is my foundation off by a shade?

Am I wearing the wrong top?"

And the bottom line is, maybe.

But you know what?

So, I'm playing around with Ray,

we took some shots with my hands outta my pockets,

and he thinks with a little photoshopping,

they may turn out okay.

-Everything good here? -Erm, Stevie has cold feet.

Okay, Stevie, I know this is a little overwhelming,

but if you wanna grow the business,

you gotta play the game.

Maybe I don't wanna play the game.

Maybe I don't wanna grow the business.

Okay, Stevie, as VP, and CEO of In-House Publicity,

growing the business is generally considered

to be a good thing.

Right, but the more we grow the business,

the more money we make. And the more money we make,

the more likely you are to take off,

and then I will be left here stuck with

way more responsibility than I ever asked for.

What would make you think I would walk away from this business?

Aside from the fact that your wife

-talks about leaving every day? -Okay, sorry to jump in again,

but this conversation seems like something

we should have had before the photo shoot.

Stevie, whatever decisions we make,

we make them together.

Nobody's gonna leave you behind.

Can I get that in writing?

Yeah. We can do that.

Okay, this is cute. This is cute.

Ray should be seeing this.

Ray! You should be seeing this.

Johnny's looking half-normal.

[chattering indistinctly]

-Hi. -You see?

You see what I told you?

This is all it took to get people out on a work night.

Yup, a lot of people are shopping and drinking.

I don't even know if we need to do the open mic part.

Oh, we need the open mic part.

-Do we? -Yeah.

Okay. [sighs]

Hey, I think we're going to uh, get things started here.

-[crowd cheering] -How's everybody doin'?

-[crowd cheering] -Awesome.

Thanks so much for coming to, uh,

what I hope will be the first of many open mic nights

here at the Rose Apothecary.

Erm, David and I are so excited you could all come.

-I see everybody's loaded up on drink tickets. -[man] Oh, yeah.

That's good news.

I'm going to... I guess I'm gonna get the party started,

right after I tune up this little baby.

Oh, dear, you're awfully brave allowing your beau

to indulge himself like this.

Okay, this was not my idea.

All right, um...

I would like to dedicate this song

to a very special someone in my life.

-David Rose. -Okay.

There he is, right there. That's him. Can't miss him.

You'll let me know if I should pull the fire alarm?

Yes.

[Patrick playing guitar]

[playing Simply the Best by Tina Turner]

♪ I call you when I need you, My heart's on fire ♪

♪ You come to me wild And wired ♪

♪ You come to me ♪

♪ And give me everything I need ♪

♪ Give me a lifetime Of promises ♪

♪ And a world of dreams ♪

♪ Speak the language of love Like you know what it means ♪

♪ And it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Take my heart And make it strong, babe ♪

♪ 'Cause you're simply The best ♪

♪ Better than all the rest ♪

♪ Better than anyone ♪

♪ Anyone I've ever met ♪

♪ And I'm stuck on your heart ♪

♪ I hang on every word You say ♪

♪ Tear us apart ♪

♪ Baby, I'd rather be dead ♪

♪ In your heart I see ♪

♪ The start of every night And every day ♪

-Moira? -[gasps]

Oh, you two, I told you I don't know.

But we do. We called the doctor.

You did? Lovely.

Don't you wanna know what it is?

I'll give you three guesses.

Moira, we're having a boy.

A boy, I believe I told you that.

How wonderful!

My boy right now is being serenaded

by his butter-voiced beau.

♪ In your heart I see ♪

♪ The start of every night And every day ♪

♪ In your eyes I get lost I get washed away ♪

♪ Just as long as I'm here In your arms ♪

♪ I can be in no Better place ♪

♪ You're simply the best ♪

♪ Better than all the rest ♪

♪ Better than anyone ♪

♪ Anyone I've ever met♪

♪ Oh, you're the best ♪

[strums final chord]

[crowd applauding and cheering]

Thank you.

Thank you!

[crowd applauding]

[crickets chirping]

Okay, I'm so excited for you to see this.

This would've been much more of a surprise,

if I hadn't heard the construction all morning.

Okay, Stevie, you can take the blindfold off.

In ten, nine--

Okay, just take the blindfold off.

See Stevie, we're both up there, now.

Why isn't it just Rose Motel?

The Rosebud makes it a sad stunted thing.

Okay, it's just that Budd is Stevie's last name.

Oh, oh, that's nice then.

Yeah, except it's Budd, with two D's, but...

Okay, well that would just look insane.

Also, I didn't know that.

Can we have breakfast now?

Yeah, let's celebrate. Come on!

Oh, erm, not to brag, but this rebrand got me 77%

on my final marketing exam.

Okay, have you ever gotten an A?

Enough, David.

[birds chirping]