All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S04E05.WEB-DL.NF.en

[gasps] Flowers!

Oh, John, I do love how
you keep the magic alive.

Well, they're not
from me, Moira.

"Sorry for your loss.
She was really something."

Ew. Who was something?

Well, I don't know.

They didn't even put
their name on the card.

-[Alexis] Mom?
-In here.

Oh, thank God.

The internet says you're dead.

What? What do you mean?

Who's saying that?
Your mother's not dead.

I'm standing right here.

Yeah, well, now I know

but it's weird 'cause
they're still saying it.

So people are believing it?

Well, it doesn't help
that Alexis just tweeted,

"Goodbye to a great actress,"
with a cool sunglasses emoji.

Okay, I'm wearing sunglasses
because I'm in mourning, David.

What is the source
of this falsehood?

And what photo are they using?

Unclear and primarily
a headshot from the '90s,

so fresh and young and permed.

So what are you saying?

The entire internet thinks
your mother is dead?

-[knocking on door]
-Well, not like
the entire internet.

It's not even trending,
which is actually kind of sad.

-Mmm-hmm.
-That's what you think is sad?

-Someone just dropped
these off for you.
-Hmm.

I'm assuming you're not dead?

All right, consider
this camel's back broken.

Who sends pink carnations?

[theme music playing]

Oh, Johnny.
Johnny, get over here.

Come on, let me give you one.

Oh, yeah. Oh good,
that feels good, doesn't it?

-She's--
-Let it out.

-She's not dead, Roland.
-Boy, it's strange,

I can almost still
smell her perfume.

It's because I was
just talking to her.

Well, I understand.

You know, sometimes I wear
Jocelyn's robe when
she's outta town.

Yeah, it was
a misprint, Roland.

Moira's very much alive.

Oh, well, thank God. Geez.

You know,
I gotta be honest with you,

this news really
kinda hit me hard.

That's... very nice.

Yeah, the first thing
I thought of is

what would happen to the baby
if something happened to us?

Roland, this is kind
of a heavy conversation

to have at 9:00 a.m., isn't it?

Johnny, Johnny,

I want you to be
the godfather to my child.

What?

Well, it's a
no-brainer, Johnny.

-I mean, we're best friends.
-Yeah, but are we?

And to mark the occasion,

I wanna take you to
a celebratory lunch.

Well, that's not necessary.

Well, nothing's too good for
the godfather of my child.

I can't believe it.

I mean, I literally saw her
walk past the cafe yesterday.

I know.

-And again, you know
my thing with ghosts?
-Yeah.

-But she didn't seem angry
like the other ones.
-Oh.

You know, it says here,

that Moira was projected
to be nominated

for 10 Daytime People's
Choice Awards.

-Twelve!
-[all gasp] Oh, my God.

The most-projected nominee

to have never actually
been nominated.

[gasps] Moira?

-We were just reading an
article that said you were--
-Shh.

Fear not. She hath risen.

[clapping]

It's so good to see you,
in the flesh.

Credit that internet!

Due to careless reporting,

and the gullibility
of the masses,

everyone thinks I've died.

Yeah, because the news
is everywhere.

Thank you.

Did you see the byline
by Maria Menounos?

No? How did it go?

[sighs]

The unsung hero
of afternoon television.

[all sigh]

Oh, they're singing
my praises now.

[all giggle]

Oh, Moira, we are so happy
that you are okay.

Yes, Jocelyn. Thank you.

Can you imagine
an alternate universe

in which I've actually died?

[scoffs]

Wow. I wonder
what you'd be saying.

I don't even wanna
think about it.

I know, right?
But theoretically,

what do we think we'd
be saying right now?

-Er, she always
kept things interesting.
-Yeah.

Or, heaven just got
it's newest leading lady.

[all chuckle]

Alrighty, I think we should
get to rehearsal, okay?

-We can revisit this later.
-Hmm.

[Alexis]
Thank you so much
for taking me out, David.

I really needed it.

Especially after everything
that's going on with Mom.

Is that the reason,

or is it because I'm
on a buying trip,

and that means
you get free samples?

We make a very
good team, David.

You do the talking,
and I sample the merchandise.

And speaking of,
we might have to circle back

and get more of these
peanut butter things

from those old farm witches.

They were Mennonites,

and I would put the peanut
butter square down,

we're about to spend
the afternoon

sampling a lot of cheese.

Hmm. Nom nom for us, David.

Never say "nom nom" again.

Anyway, this is a very
important account for me.

I've been trying for the past
little while to secure

an exclusivity deal
with this vendor,

but she's very picky
about her retailers.

Everyone's trying to get their
greasy hands on her cheese.

Ew, David.

Wait, Warner Farms?

Does this cheese woman
have animals on her farms?

Like, goats?
Does she have goats?

Well, we're about to sample
some goat's cheese,

so I would imagine
she has goats on her farm.

This is Heather Warner's
farm, David.

I know.

No, like Heather, Heather.
Like, Ted's Heather.

What? She's like 50.

She's 42, and I know. Ugh!

Okay. You know what?

I can't have
your personal drama

storming over my business
dealings right now,

so I think it's best
if you got out of the car,

-and walked home.
-Walked home?

That would take
like, 15 minutes, David,

-that's absolutely
not happening.
-[sighs]

Anyway, don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.

Okay. Then maybe it's best
if you stayed in the car

with the windows down.

Stop it, David, I'm not a baby.

[whimpers]

[birds chirping]

[crow cawing]

So Roland,
I've been thinking about

your very generous offer

to be godfather to your baby.

It's not an offer, Johnny,
it's an offer you can't refuse.

[chuckles] Marlon Brando.

Right, but from what movie?

-The Godfather.
-No, from Casino.

Okay, fine.

It wasn't Casino,
Brando wasn't in Casino, but--

-Hmm?
-Roland,

I assume when you say
godfather that it's,

you know,
just an honorary title?

No. You'd have to step in
and raise my kid

if something happened
to Jocelyn or me.

Which isn't gonna happen,
but you never know in life.

Our house inspector said that
our furnace could go any day.

Oh, and I'm thinking
of getting Joce,

his-and-her's cliff diving
lessons for her birthday.

Oh, yeah, well, you see,

that concerns me a little.

Well, those are just kind
of extreme examples, Johnny.

I mean, other than that,
I'm in the prime
of good health.

Except for this friggin' mole
on my back.

-Okay, scoop of tuna on the
Mediterranean salad, for you.
-Thank you.

And the usual,
fried chicken
on a waffle, extra skin.

-Okay.
-I will be right back

-with the hot sauce and butter.
-Yes, and the gravy,

Twyla, please. Thank you.

-Ah...
-See the thing is,
Roland, er,

I don't think you realize

just how big
a responsibility you'd be,

I don't wanna say strapping
to my back, but...

Well, Johnny, that's why
I'm asking you

because, erm,
I consider you family.

Oh. Well, as a family member,

-I feel we can say
anything to each other.
-Sure.

And, quite frankly,
your lifestyle choices

are making me
just a little nervous.

Don't worry about me. Mmm-hmm.

[Roland chokes]

[coughs]

-I'm okay.
-Good.

[coughing]

-It's just a little piece
of skin back there.
-Hmm.

-I got it. Still good.
-Hmm.

[imitating Brando]
Do you wanna have a bite?

I'll give you a bite
you can't refuse.

-No, no, that's okay.
-[laughs]

That's fine. I am done.

Well, this is quite the spread.

Hmm, yeah.
Look at all this cheese.

Nom nom for...

I'm glad we could finally
make this happen.

I know I've been a little hard
to pin down.

It's just, we're a family-run
business,

and there's an apprehension
about branching out.

I totally, totally get that.

We are also
a family-run business.

This is my sister.

Oh, I thought you had
a male business partner.

-Oh, I do. She is an intern.
-Oh.

Erm, in training to be CEO
of Executive Buying.

Okay. Anyway, I just thought
if we partnered together,

we'd be able to extend
your customer base,

and raise your brand awareness.

Ultimately, like,
raise brand awareness.

Listen, David,
I love your store.

But I wanna be
up front with you.

I have been approached by
a couple of other retailers

that I have to consider.

Hmm. Someone's in demand,
isn't she? [chuckles]

Which makes sense because
this cheese is amazing and,

like, I don't usually love
goat cheese, but...

Thank you. I do have some
prize-winning goats.

And it doesn't hurt
that I'm dating a vet.

Fun. Mmm-hmm.

Must be very helpful for you.

How's that going?

You know, there is something
so familiar about your voice.

Oh. No, people have told me
that I just have like,

-one of those voices.
-Mmm-hmm.

Super-generic and trill.

Anyway, I just happened
to eat one of those

pieces of blue cheese,

and normally I don't like blue
cheese in my mouth,

but that was very not bad.

I am with you.
I wasn't a fan of it either,

until I started using it
in salads.

-Oh.
-Speaking of salads,

I just whipped up a big lunch.

I would love it
if you guys could stay.

Oh. Ooh.

No, I for one just had like a
very big peanut butter thing,

so I'm feeling pretty...

Well I, for one did not.

So we would love
to stay for lunch

with an important supplier.

Great. By all means,
keep sampling,

and I will start
bringing out the food.

Oh, I hope you don't mind
if my boyfriend joins us?

I'm sorry?

Your boyfriend is here?

-Yeah.
-Mmm-hmm.

You know what, I'm realizing
that this might be an
imposition.

-[whispers] Get in the car.
-Not an imposition at all.

Ted?

The clients are gonna
stay for lunch.

Would you mind helping me
set the table?

Er, sure.

Thanks.

Oh, Becca De Mornay,
what a sweetheart.

It's times like this you learn
who your true friends are.

[knocking at door]

I'm busy.

[Stevie] There's kind of
a situation out here.

Okay, come in.

[door opens]

Oh, hey, so there's a reporter
outside, asking questions.

I thought you should know.

A reporter? Here? Now?

Yeah, didn't you expect
them to come?

Well, I thought it might be
contained to the internet.

Is there a scrum?
How many camera crews?

I think just one.

Unless they all used
the same van.

No. No, Stevie, no.

This is not, not how I imagined
my resurrection news to break!

Impeccably dressed woman

wanders out of Podunk motel.

No, that's not the headline!

Okay, well, I actually own
this Podunk motel,

and I don't know
what choice you have.

Well, we have to think
of something.

After all my fans have endured?

No, I can't let them
see me like this.

It would kill Sir Tony Geary.

-[hangers rattling]
-No!

[shrieks] Stevie, help me!

-Argh! No!
-Okay.

Wow.
Well, this looks delicious.

Thank you so much
for having us.

Mmm.
Well, this quiche is a treat.

I didn't know you'd gotten
into prepared foods?

I haven't.
I just made this for lunch.

But if you've
ever had her quiche,

you can definitely say
that it is eggs-cellent.

-[all chuckle]
-Ted.

So how is it you know
each other?

Erm, well...

Well, Alexis and I
worked together.

She used to be my receptionist.

That's how I know your voice.

You answered the phones
at the vet's clinic.

Yes! Well, I mean,

like technically I had
more responsibility

than just answering
the phones but...

Oh, and Ted is the vet
that you said you were dating.

-Yes.
-Okay,

because when you said vet,
I thought you meant, like,

-a war vet.
-[Ted laughs]

Yeah, no,
definitely not a war vet.
Damn these fallen arches.

I mean, I must've called there
every day, for months.

Yes.

Okay, okay. David, see,
now this all makes sense.

-Mmm-hmm.
-[both chuckle]

The quiche is vivacious,

and that is not a word I use
to describe quiche often,

but, you know,
when the time is right.

You know, Alexis, I feel like
I really need to thank you.

Had you not passed along
all those messages to Ted,

I mean, looked what happened.

I feel like we owe you,
or something.

Hmm.

Well, she's a very generous
person so...

Well, if you are looking
for a way to thank me,

I know that David
is looking for

exclusivity on your products.

Ooh, she is good.

[Heather sighs]

Okay, I'm in.

Erm...

Well, that is why she is
one of our finest interns.

We need to get ahead
of this, Stevie.

We must, we must craft
the perfect spin

that both proclaims
I'm not dead,

and explains why
I've been found here.

Erm, okay.

We'll tell them you
brainwashed me.

Could you tell them someone
else brainwashed you?

A cult. A cult.
Our family joined a cult.

There was a charismatic leader,
40-something, very sexual,

had very long hair,
longer than you'd expect,
but it worked.

How about this idea?

Erm, what about
telling the truth?

Truth serum. Oh, Stevie, yes,

those stories
are always successful.

-No, I meant the actual truth.
-Oh.

I've been reading what people
have been saying about you.

They're gonna be really
happy you're still around.

Yeah, I don't think loyalty
was ever in question.

Then why not come forward
and be honest about
where you are?

Stevie, I don't--

Okay, that reporter's not
gonna be out there forever.

This is your chance
to tell your own story,

in your own words.

Like we did during
the writer's strike.

Right. You have the opportunity

-to create your own headline!
-Yes.

And honestly, would you
rather be thought of as dead,

than living here?

Mrs Rose?

No, I know. I'm thinking on it.

Look, Jocelyn,
the last thing I want

is for this conversation
to get uncomfortable.

-Oh, boy.
-But there is a delicate issue

that I wanted to talk about.

Roland asked if you wanted
to be godfather to the baby.

-Yes!
-He has been asking everybody

to be the godparent.

You're the third person
I've had to talk to today, so.

Oh, I see.

I just think he wants
to make sure

that our bases are covered,
you know?

[chuckles]
Well, that's a relief,

that your bases are covered.

But here's the good news,

if something does happen to
one of our first three choices,

we will definitely
be knocking on your door.

It's all for the best, Jocelyn,

because, frankly, the thought
of raising another kid...

Yeah, well, let's face it,

your first two were no walk
in the park, right.

Well, they're good kids.

Yeah, I mean you had
a lotta help.

Yeah, but, you know,
we're very capable parents.

Well, if you like, we could
move you up the list?

No, no, no, but this has all
been very, very helpful.

So, thank you.

[car engine rumbles]

[slow song plays on radio]

Ahem, well, that went well.

Yeah.

You didn't have to do that.

I just, like, hate how good
this cheese is.

Thank you.

That wasn't the most
comfortable situation to be in.

I'm just glad Ted's found
someone so stable and healthy.

You're in love with him,
aren't you?

Yes.

Yup.

[Moira] I've always had great
affection for the press,

and my fans.

My fans, and the press,
so thank you.

Yes! Yes!

[bird chirping]

[car engine rumbles]

-[Stevie gasps]
-[door opens]

-Stevie!
-[door closes]

Do you happen to know
where the van went?

Erm, yeah, apparently there
was another celebrity death.

Oh, I'm sorry. Who passed?

You know that YouTube video

of the giraffe and the kitten,
who are best friends?

Alas, I do not.

Okay, well, the giraffe
stepped on the kitten.

Well, of course he did.

-Okay.
-Okay.

I didn't think you
were gonna talk to them.

[stammering] You know what,
I'm relieved.

Yes, enough of me for one day.

Yeah, well, I mean,
it's pretty amazing

to see how many people
care about you.

-Yeah.
-I mean, if I died,

I'd be lucky if one person
had something nice to say.

Oh, Stevie.

Stevie, you have years
ahead of you still

to collect a cartage
of adoring mourners.

In the meantime,
they will laugh in your face,

and they'll stab you
in the back,

but the moment
you give up the ghost,

oh, they'll all have nothing
but nice things to say
about you.

I know, I will.

Thank you, Mrs Rose.
That's very comforting.

And I, for one, am through
with trying to impress people.

[scoffs]

I like the outfit you chose.

Well, you were
a big help, Stevie.

Heading to the cafe.

It's always nice
to dress for dinner.

[Alexis] According to this,
you're alive again.

[David clears throat]

Well, looks like we're back,
sweetheart!

Well, it was fun
while it lasted.

I guess we should think about
returning some of these gifts?

John, they're perishable.

And excuse me, but this is
the first time

we've heard from most
of these people.

These gifts are long overdue.

Oh, my God! As if this day
couldn't get any worse.

What?

-Cuppy, the Kitten's dead.
-Oh, my God. What happened?

I don't know,
I'm reading, David.

He stepped on her?

Weren't they best friends?

Kelly Ripa just tweeted,
she's taking tomorrow off.

Hashtag RIP Cuppy is trending.

Who's Cuppy?

Honestly, what kind of kitten
befriends a giraffe?

[closing music playing]