All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S04E03.WEB-DL.NF.en

[Jocelyn] Moira, I'm sorry
I couldn't be more available
for you today,

it's just that
my sister was supposed
to organize this with me,

and her husband has come down
with gout for the third time.

But I still think this
is gonna be the best
Asbestos Fest yet!

You know, I know all about
being left in the lurch
for a fundraiser.

Eva Longoria and I were
supposed to perform

our ventriloquist act for
the "Everybody Nose" benefit

for juvenile rhinoplasty,

when she suddenly drops out
due to exhaustion.

I had to be both puppet,
and puppeteer.

Okay, you know what, Moira?

There's just a lot
going on right now.

I've got a list of three
different numbers
that you're choosing from,

and what would really be
helpful to everyone,

and when I say everyone,
I mean me,

is if you could just
nail down which one
you're gonna perform tonight.

I did get the set list
from the children's choir
two weeks ago.

I... The easiest to go with
is probably,

"Shoes, Glorious Shoes,
the Imelda Marcos Story."

Okay.
Never mind.

I am going to dust off...
"Two Heads Are Better".

The one woman
Siamese twin play.

Yes. No!

No, you know what?

I am going to resurrect...

"One Crazy Summer,
The Patty Hearst Story."

It's a tale of perseverance,
much like your quest

to bring asbestos
back to the town.

Okay, well first of all,
we're trying to get rid
of the asbestos, Moira,

and we really just need you
to make a decision, now.

-Okay!
-Now!

Well, let me think! Uh...

"Two Heads" it is.

The Foxwood Casino Gazette
did say,

it was a performance
they'd never seen before.

Don't write that down.

Okay Moira,
I just wanna slap you
right across the face.

Patty it is! Patty.

Although Jocelyn,
I'm wondering,

does "TV's Moira Rose" send
a different message

than "television's Moira Rose?"

Something to think about?

I said, something
to think about!

Hello, you.

[theme music playing]

-Oh, hi, David.
-Hi.

I believe you said I could
have your room for the day,

to rehearse my act
for the fundraiser.

Oh, you meant like,
like right now?

Okay. Um,
what did you decide on?

Well, at this very moment
it's 1974,

and this room
is a San Franciscan bank.

You're going with
the Patty Hearst story?

Yes, I am.

And what's wrong with that?

Well, didn't it have
an ensemble cast of 30?

Uh-huh, and what was
your father's review?

Twenty-nine dead weights!
[Laughs]

So I trimmed the fat.

You didn't even
play Patty, though.

You know I did!

The night Patricia Lupone
ate that pre-show shwarma,

and I was asked to step in.

I've always wanted
to reprise the role!

I just recall that that show
was very heavy on the footwork

and at one point
you yelled, "Line!"

in the middle
of a dance break.

Okay, some of these
townspeople

are going to experience
my triad of threats

for the first time, David.

Nothing less than spectacular
can do for them!

Okay. I just remember you
practising every day

for seven months with that
dance instructor
that I ended up dating.

Are you sure
you remember it all?

Skip Fosse once told me that
when it comes to choreo,

always leave some room
for spontaneity.

-Okay.
-Okay, you know what?

If you feel
it's necessary, fine,

I won't stand in the way
of you spotting.

Well unfortunately,
I can't spot you now,

because now I have
to go to work.

Oh, then go to work!

Okay. Good luck.

No, you say, "break a leg."

-Okay, that, too.
-Say "break a leg!"

-Break a leg!
-[door slams]

Okay, here. [clears throat]
We're going to ease in

with a machine gun ballet.

-Hi, sorry.
-[boys] Hey! This guy!

Excuse me, hey. Hey, yeah.
What's up. Yeah...

And we mark up
the retail price.

-Okay.
-What are you doing here?

Patrick has offered to help
me with this school assignment

-I told you that, David.
-Hi.

Um, you did not tell me that.

Yeah, how are your friends
doing outside?

-They're harmless, thanks.
-Are they? Cool.

Um, we're actually just
in the middle of something,

-so if you wouldn't mind...
-I would mind, but--

-Okay, so, profit margins.
-Mmm-hmm?

Um, how do you get
more of those?

Well, you'd start by telling
the group of teens

that hang out outside your
store every afternoon

to leave because they're
scaring off actual customers.

Okay, they're not
scaring off customers,

there was one
that looked meth-y.

And I don't know
where he went.

See, your brother doesn't
wanna tell them off.

Which is, and you can
write this down,

-a financial liability.
-Liability.

Incorrect!
The fact that we have youths

minding their own business
in front of our store

builds, and you can
write this down--

-No.
-Street cred.

Okay, are they actually
buying anything?

Yes! They're coming in,
and they're buying gum.

And what else are they
doing, David?

They're coming in,
they're looking around,

-and they're buying gum.
-[gasps]

And maybe complimenting
my outfits.

-There it is!
-No, there what is?

I'm sorry that you connect
with a more mature clientele,

whereas I vibe
with a much younger crowd.

-Oh. [scoffs]
-[door bell jingles]

-Nice sweater, bro!
-Um... God, I...

This is so old,
and I can't even remember
where I got it.

Do you guys remember, sorry,
where I got this sweater?

-What just happened to you?
-Huh?

Like, breathe it out.

[door shuts]

Hey there, Johnny!

Just so you know,
I'm obviously a beer guy,

but I've never been known
to turn down

a fresh bouquet of flowers.

Roland, what are you
talking about?

Well, you are gonna be
thanking me pretty soon

for saving your bacon,
so I just thought

-I'd give you some gift ideas.
-I'm kinda busy right now.

Yeah, I can see that.
Very busy, right, Johnny?

Apparently too busy
to change the bulb

that's burned out
over room three.

Roland, I fail to see how
pointing out problems here
is saving my bacon.

I know a guy
who needs some work,

and I told him
I'd do him a favour,

and get him a job right here
in the motel, so...

Uh huh. And why does it
sound like I'd be the one
doing your friend the favour?

Well, Johnny,
I'm the middle man,

I'm the one that kind of made
this all happen.

Well, nothing's happened,
so you can tell your friend

-we can't afford him.
-[sighs]

You know, when I started
Rose Video we had one employee

per store working start
to close,

so keeping an eye
on the bottom line,

that's how a young
business grows.

-Uh-huh...
-Besides,

Stevie and I are managing
just fine on our own.

All I'm saying is keep
an open mind, okay?

It might be nice
to have a guy around here

who has some basic skills
for a change.

And I'm sorry, but we all know
how Rose Video turned out!
[laughs]

You know, Rose Video was the
second largest video chain in-

-[door slams]
-Ooh!

Did you ask him
why he's been wandering
around with a notepad?

It's really starting
to creep out the guests.

Yeah, he's pitching a guy
he knows to help out

around the motel,
but don't worry,

I told him that we're a well
oiled machine at this point.

Yeah, that I've been greasing.

Your new policy about helping
the guests with the bags...

Yeah, and you know, we're
getting very good feedback

about that
on the comment cards.

But I've been the one
carrying them,

because "somebody"
has a bad back.

Well Stevie, if I lift
a roll of toilet paper,
you know, it flares up.

Okay well, I'm starting
to look like

a Slovakian shot putter,
so I'm with Roland.

We're gonna be hiring
someone else.

Thanks, bro.

Come back again soon, guys.

Great sale, bro.

Four teens, one pack of gum,
which you gift wrapped.

Hey, why don't we just
close the store up,

and celebrate for
the rest of the day?

I'll have you know that
it was one pack of gum,

and one lip balm.

-Oh!
-[gasps]

Well, that'll make
up for all the stuff
they've been stealing.

-I'm sorry?
-What do you mean, stealing?

Those kids are 100%
stealing from you.

-I don't think so.
-[scoffs]

Okay. They split up into
four different directions,

one takes
the back left corner,
one takes the right,

one of them asks you if you
have those wool hoodies
in a different size,

while the last one compliments
you on your cuticle game.

And while you're lapping
all that up,

the two in the back corner
are filling their backpacks
full of facial cleanser.

It's the exact same move that
I used with my klepto friends
in the Hamptons.

I feel like I would've
seen that.

Yeah, I mean,
maybe that's what you
and your burnout friends

did at the Miss Sixty store,

but that's not what's
happening here.

Okay. Why don't you
go check, then?

I can't tell if there's
product missing,

or if we just haven't
replenished.

I feel like if someone
were robbing our store

-we would know about it, right?
-Uh yeah, we would know.

Though this would explain
the compliments.

-That's--
-What?

Give it an hour,
they'll be back.

They only took the toner
and the cleanser,

and if they're not selling it
on the black market,

then they'll need to come back
and get the moisturiser,

or their t-zones are going
to be like, super effed!

[Roland] Johnny,
I gotta say, uh,

I'm glad you came around
to your senses,

and may I tell you something,

I don't feel like
you're less of a man

because you need a little help
with your business.

Yeah, that's good
to know, Roland.

So where's the guy?

Oh, he'll be here,
don't you worry.

Mr Worry! [Laughs]

And I think you're really
going to like him,

he's very smart,
he's devilishly handsome,

and he stands about yay tall,

maybe a little bit
more like that.

Okay, I see where
this is going.

-Or do you?
-Roland, what are we
doing here?

Johnny, it's me!
I'm the guy!

I know you're the guy,
I got that as soon as I said,
"Where's the guy?"

Oh, my God, you should see
the look on your face!

Impatience, that's the look!

All right, we do need
help at the motel,
we do need someone,

but someone
who is going to pitch in,
and do some of the grunt work.

And I am willing
to roll up my sleeves,

and help out
my best friend!

Okay, I gotta go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
No, no, no, no!

Now I wasn't joking
about my skills, pal!

Come on, what do you say
we give it a shot?

-I don't think so, no.
-Huh? Going once.

-Going twice.
-No.

-Going three times.
-Roland! All right.

Going four times.
Going five times--

All right, all right,
all right. All right. Fine.

But only because we could
actually use some help.

-That's a smart move, Johnny.
-But consider this a trial.

Yeah, that's probably
a good idea,

I don't wanna commit
until I know I like it.

♪ Stick 'em up!
This is a holdup! ♪

♪ Nobody move
but me-me-me-me! ♪

♪ But me! ♪

-[knocking on door]
-Who goes there?

It's Jocelyn.

Good news, Moira,
don't ask me why,

but Gwen had a hunting rifle
in her basement,

and I'm hoping this is good
for your act!

Um, it was a machine gun.

So I need a machine gun
for the machine gun ballet!

Okay Moira, you've got
to meet me halfway here,
this is a real gun!

What?

And I got you extra
performance time,

I got the children's choir
down to one song!

-Some of the kids cried.
-Oh, Jocelyn.

Jocelyn, why? Why, why,
why, would you do that?

Because you asked
for more time, Moira!

But... Jocelyn!

Did you know that rehearsal,

it can be the most enlightening
and even heuristic exercise.

What are you saying?

I'm saying I am stepping out
of the limelight, Jocelyn.

But we already re-printed
the posters

from "TV's Moira Rose,"
to "Television's Moira Rose!"

And that's great,
that will get them in the door

and then the kids
take over from there!

-That's...
-Okay.

I see what's going on here.

-Somebody's got cold feet.
-[scoffs]

Blocks of ice. Mmm.

I bit off more
than I could chew.

You know what, Moira,
we have all been there.

Yeah. On my wedding day,
I thought,

"What if I just got in my car
and drove to New Mexico,

and left Roland at the altar
at the Elmdale Bingo Hall?"

Bottom line,
I got cold feet too,

and I faced my fears,
and now look at us!

Twenty-seven years of bliss.

Was I to perceive
something encouraging
within that little anecdote?

Okay, you know what, Moira,
pull it together.

I'm taking this gun.

-Okay, Patty, come on, Patty!
-[door slams]

Patty, the eyes of the lonely
world are on you!

So, five, six,
seven, eight, Patty!

Five, six, seven, eight!

Nine, ten-nine...

Nine, ten, eleven, twelve!

-[sighs]
-Like clockwork, David.

-Hey!
-Yeah.

Hey! Can I help you guys
with anything, or...

No, we're just looking.

Okay, cool.
Cool, cool, yeah, yeah.

Look around. You do you.

Uh, hey, do you have
this in like,

a larger size, maybe?

I don't know, I'll have
to go all the way
into the back to check.

-Hey, man!
-[gasps]

I like your shoes,
where'd you get them?

-Oh! Oh...
-Oh! Um, these?

I got these at a boutique
in Prague

that's only open
on Sunday nights.

-Cool.
-Is it?

Uh hey, I think
we're gonna head.

Oh, um, wait, you forgot
something, though.

What?

Look, please don't do
anything crazy,

it took me so long
to make that.

Well, I'll be happy
to give it back,

when you and your skid mark
friends give back

all of the products
that you've stolen.

And if I'm being honest,

someone with your
combination of skin

should really be using product
with tea tree oil in it.

I...

Hand it over.

I thought she was too cool
to work here.

I don't work here,
and I am really cool, so.

Don't do it again,
and I won't call the po po.

-Did she say po po?
-Okay! Okay!

I think we're done here.

Okay, I just have one
more question.

All those compliments,
and fist pumps--

-Bumps.
-Shut up.

Was that just part
of the big scheme?

-No, you have cool style.
-I like your shoes.

They're lying to you, David,
they're lying, they're lying.

Okay, get out.

[sighs]

Ugh...
What? Why me?

-I just feel really gross.
-Why did I get one?

Okay, so there's window
repair in room four.

Mmm-hmm.

And then the bathroom in
room 5 still needs to be done.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Can you handle that?
-No, I am just waiting to hear

something that's
in my wheelhouse.

Okay, uh, why don't you just
start by changing the sheets?

Honey, that kinda sounds
like a Johnny job to me.

Why don't we just put
a "J" next to that.

No, no, no! We're putting
an "R" next to that.

Roland, I thought you said
you had no problem
doing grunt work.

Well Johnny, how's it going
to look to have the mayor
of the town changing sheets?

Uh, we change sheets!

Well, great, so then,
you've got it covered,

let's put a big, fat "J"
next to that one.

No, no, we're not putting
a "J," we're putting an "R!"

Or better yet, Roland,
why not just get to work?

This isn't exactly
what I had in mind

-when I said I needed help.
-Yeah, I know.

No, guys, look, I just
need to find something

that caters to my expertise.

That's all, you know
what I can do?

I can restock the soda machine.

Yeah, the soda machines
are fine, Roland.

What would actually help
is if you could clean
a toilet or two,

but obviously,
you're too good for that.

No, I can clean a toilet.

You know what,
I think we made
a mistake, Stevie.

-No! I wanna clean a toilet.
-We'll hire somebody else.

No, I need to clean a toilet!

You need to clean a toilet?

[Sighs] Yeah,
I need to Johnny,

I... I mean, with the new
baby coming,

things are a little tight.

Joce and I have been
trying to save,

but we've been living off
cold cuts and waffles.

And Jocelyn had to sell her
Beanie Baby collection.

And she didn't get half what
that Diana bear is worth.

And now she's working nights
down at the gas station.

-She's working nights?
-No, she's not,

but she will have to
if things get really bad.

[whimpers]

[sighs heavily] All right.

Here's what we're gonna do.

We're putting an "R"
beside every single
thing on this list.

[Smacks lips] Got it. Okay.
Now when you say "R,"

does that stand for Rose,
as in Johnny Rose--

-Roland!
It stands for Roland!
-Okay.

And you can start by taking
those sheets over to room two.

You got it.

[birds chirping]

[keys jingling]

Ew! What are you doing
in my bed?

Oh, David please,
I couldn't possibly make it
all the way to my own bed.

I'm... I'm just uh...

-I'm exhausted!
-[sighs]

-Was it the footwork?
-Oh, it was the footwork.

It was the score,
it was the book,

it was all of that, David.

But most severely lacking
was me.

You were right, my dear.

I've had my time,
and it's over now.

Um, I don't think
I said that.

There is an elephant
in the room David,

and he's whispering, "retire!"

Run David, go to Jocelyn,

and tell her to cancel
the evening.

Okay, um, well,
I won't be doing that,

but [sighs]

there is one other option.

What?

What if we did

the number?

-The number?
-Yeah, I know,

it was stupid, it was dumb.
It was a dumb idea.

David, you would do
that for me?

I thought
you used to hate it
when I'd trot you out

in front of my friends?

I still do, it's just that
I'm finding this situation

to be incredibly disturbing,

and I will eventually need
my bed back.

Do you think people would
find it strange,

or even inappropriate?

Probably.

And do you think
we still have it?

I'll go plug in
my hair straightener.

I hope you're not
wearing your shoes.

[audience applauds]

Okay, let's have another
round of applause
for the children's choir,

and their Kylie Minogue medley!

Those were some racy lyrics!

Okay. Ladies and gentlemen,

I know that
your headliner tonight
is gonna surprise you,

because she certainly
surprised me

when she told me
just moments ago

that she'd switched up
her entire act,

even though somebody put down
a really hefty deposit
on a wall of mirrors!

[sobbing]

Okay anyways,
without further ado,
the main event!

[mic feedback squeal]

Oh, thank you so much.

Um, is this the number?

It's the middle of summer.

Brr! It's awfully
cold out there.

Um, they used to do this act
every year at
our Christmas party,

and you can't unsee
something like this.

-[clears throat]
-[knocking]

Oh, I wonder
who that could be!

It's television's Moira Rose!

That's television's mom,
to you.

[fake laugh]

You know, nothing is colder
than the chill I get

when I think of the dangers
of asbestos poisoning.

Luckily,
a little birdie told me

that with enough funds raised,

this town could be
asbestos free by...

-[mic feedback squeal]
-Christmas!

[playing "Jingle Bells"]

-♪ Ding! ♪
-♪ Dong! ♪

-♪ Ding! ♪
-♪ Dong! ♪

-♪ Ding! ♪
-♪ Dong! ♪

-♪ Ding! ♪
-♪ Dong! ♪

♪ On the first day of Christmas
my true love gave to me ♪

♪ The keys to a Lamborghini ♪

♪ On the-oh come
all ye faithful... ♪

♪ Deck the halls with
boughs of holly... ♪

Yes, I said faithful,
which rules out all of you!

[laughs]

[jazz music plays]

♪ God rest ye
merry gentlemen ♪

♪ Let nothing you dismay
may-may-may-may ♪

[closing music playing]