All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S04E02.WEB-DL.NF.en

[birds chirping]

[Alexis] Okay,
so I'm thinking like,

season-five Carrie Bradshaw,

like, super professional
and polished,

but also like, chill and flirty

in an impossibly expensive
sort of way.

You do know that this
is your first day

at Elmdale College,
and not Vogue, right?

Hush David,

because Jocelyn said that only
her top students go to Elmdale.

Okay, I think that says more
about Jocelyn as a teacher

than it does her students.

Kids, it's garbage day.

Oh, good, ours is full.

Okay, I've told you both
a thousand times,

tie up the bags and leave them
outside your door!
[door closes]

Okay, but I like,
just put something in it

that made it full, though.

Yeah, and you're
already wearing

your little gloves though.

[door closing]

Okay, do me a favour, David,
and don't mention this to Dad,

'cause I haven't chosen
my courses yet,

and if he finds out he's
just gonna like, buzz around

until I ask him his opinion.

And no offence to him,
but I don't want it.

This is the same college
where Malala gave

that devastating commencement
speech, right?

I don't know, David,
maybe he did.

Anyway, I have a lot
of big changes

happening in my life right now,

so I'd appreciate it if you
were a little bit more onside.

Okay.

[door opens and shuts]

-Where'd Alexis go?
-She went for a run,

apparently there are some
really big changes

happening in her life
right now.

Yeah, I should say so.

Why are you waving
a thermometer in my face?

-It's a pregnancy test.
-Ew! Whoa. What!

[theme music playing]

Well, it's a smiley face,

so I'm assuming
it's a positive result.

Well, that's presumptuous.

Are we a 100% sure it's hers?

Well, this test
is a 100% sure it's someone's.

Oh, are you serious?
I was ready to stop after one!

Come to think of it,

she has been very up
and down lately,

but I've been just chalking
that up to the fact

that her personal life is like
a steaming pile of--

-Someone needs to talk to her!
-Well, don't look at me,

I'm pretty sure she already
knows it's a mistake.

No, I'll talk to her.

Yes, I'll tell her.
She has no right

to lay this financial and
psychological burden on us!

Well, maybe I'll talk to her...

Now she has to move into one
of those homes

for unwed mothers!

Oh, my God, imagine?

Moira, that's not gonna happen.

Oh, I'm sure there
are plenty of them

on this side of the tracks.

Let the nuns take care
of the little stranger!

What Alexis needs now is to
feel supported by her family!

-[Moira] Hah!
-Okay.

Um, I'm just gonna say it,
I am not in a place right now

to be emotionally available
to a baby.

You know I'm a little
disappointed in you, David,

you spend a lot of time
with Alexis,

you could've done a better job
looking out for her!

Okay, I'm sorry
I'm not a condom.

[screams] I always knew
this would happen!

[softly] Oh, God help us all.

Okay, I just think I'm in
a state of shock right now,

you know, the news
was very numbing,

-and I'm feeling very alone.
-Mhmm. Mm!

Imagine how Alexis must feel.

Yeah, I haven't spoken to her.

Huh. Remind me
what this is again?

That is a eucalyptus
under eye serum.

Mhmm...

And remind me why you can't
apply it to yourself?

Because it requires
a steady hand,

and I'm going through
a lot right now.

-Right...
-[bell on door jingles]

Hi, I was looking for some uh--

Yeah, we don't sell that. Ahem.

-Bath salts?
-We actually do sell those.

They're on the middle shelf,
just over there.

I'll be over to help you
in a second.

Okay, between Alexis
getting knocked up,

and us not having enough
privacy to connect,

I'm feeling very shaken.

Do you think you're gonna
make it, though?

Unclear.

Unclear on whether I'm gonna
make it through or not.

[whispering] Hang in there.

[Moira] Jocelyn, oh, I seem to
have left my sunglasses behind,

you haven't discovered them
amidst your cleaning, have you?

You mean, the ones on top
of your head?

-And there they are.
-[laughs]

And I'm off, then.

Moira, is everything all right?

You seem a little
distracted today.

No, I'm-I'm just a little
distracted today.

I'm having one of those
days myself.

We're in the midst
of a family crisis,

if you must know!

-Well, I don't wanna pry--
-Well, you've cracked me open.

-Alexis is pregnant.
-What?

I know! We discovered the
test in her bathroom today.

-You did?
-And to think when I awoke,

my biggest concern
was how to make

that Ragtime Medley
of yours work.

Uh-huh...

It's just flagrant
irresponsibility

to allow an unscheduled
conception to occur!

-Moira?
-Oh, she has no idea

of the toll a baby can take
on its mother,

or its mother's mother.

Moira, I'm the one
who's pregnant.

-If only.
-It's true.

I was dropping off Alexis'
course book,

and I had gotten the test
from the pharmacy,

and I was so anxious
to find out,

that I took the test
in Alexis' bathroom.

Oh Jocelyn, oh Jocelyn.

Oh, what a wonderful surprise
for us all!

-Oh!
-I know.

I thought it was menopause
that was making me late,

and giving me the cravings,
and morning sickness.

[softly] I wouldn't know.

Listen, can you do me a favour,

and just keep this between
the two of us,

because Roland
doesn't know yet.

Oh! Oh Jocelyn,
Roland's not the father?

Of course he is,
I just haven't found

the right time to tell him.

Don't wait, best to rip
it off like a band aid.

You're probably right.

It's just that we weren't
expecting this.

One must prepare for any event.

[gasps] Miracles don't
take reservations.

[sighs] Oh.

[sighs]

[door opens]

Oh, hi, honey.

My God, how long have you
been sitting there?

Oh, I didn't realise it took
you so long

to put your make-up on.

Can I help you with something?

Just wondering how
you're feeling.

Fine, a little nervous.

Well, that's understandable,
comes with the territory.

Uh... it might help
if we... chat about it.

Um no, I don't want
to chat about it. I'm late.

Well, I know you're late,
sweetheart.

I knew this was gonna happen.

I knew you were gonna get way
too involved in this.

David has already given me
a hard time.

I know, and believe me,

I will be talking
to David about that.

Now... Ted...

Is he being supportive?

-I haven't even told Ted.
-Oh.

I just wanna do one thing
on my own.

And you're sure this is
the right one thing to pick?

Okay, please don't stress me
out about this!

This is supposed to be fun!

And it will be fun, honey,
it will be, in time.

You know, it will also be
a lot of work.

I know that!

And not to mention,
a lot of money.

Why do you think I've been
saving up my money

from the vet's office?

How long have you known
about this?

Oh, my God, you are being
so extra right now!

-I have to go!
-Okay,

clearly this is
not a good time,

but I just want you to know
your mother and I are here,

whenever you feel comfortable
enough to talk,

although I'd suggest
talking to me, and...

not your mother.

You are making way too big
a deal of this.

If I don't like it, I'll just
give it up, and move on.

Okay?

[door slams]

[jazz music playing]

[bell on door jingles]

Hmm.

[bag rustles]

Ding, ding!

[clears throat] Hi.

Uh. We're actually
closed today.

It's one o'clock on a Friday.

Okay, is there something
I can help you with?

Do you give all your customers

this kind of VIP treatment?

Actually, I do, and I would
love to keep chatting,

it's just that Patrick and I
were working on fixing a uh...

a light bulb in the back,
so we-- Oh, hey.

-Hey, Stevie.
-Hi.

David and I were just in the
back doing some inventory.

-Yeah.
-Hmm, yeah.

Seems like you guys
are really busy...

-at work.
-[sighs]

-Ooh, what's that?
-What's what?

You got a little red, um...
Is that a bug bite

or a little mouth-shaped
sunburn?

Looks like a hickey, actually.

But it's not, it's not a...
It's not a hickey, right?

Because that
would be disgusting,

and wildly unprofessional.

David, did you give me
a hickey?

Okay no, I didn't,
I gave you a...a half hickey,

because we haven't had
the time or the privacy

for me to give
you a full hickey!

If you give me $50 bucks
I'll stand outside,

and tell people
you're on lunch.

I'll give you 50 cents
to stand outside

and never come back.

You see, this is why
we can't do this here.

-Desperate times, huh?
-No, trying times,

nothing about this
is desperate.

It's just that there's a lot
of people at the motel,

and Patrick is renting
a room from Ray.

-Who really likes to chat.
-Yeah.

So there has literally been
zero privacy.

Well, if you want,
I'm happy to offer you guys

my apartment for the night.

Why? Why would you do that?

Because I care about you two.

Okay, and where will you be?

Well, if you must know,
work's been really stressful,

so I'm going to take a little
me time at a spa in Elmdale.

That is super generous,

but wouldn't be a little
bit weird

us having alone time
at your place?

Especially because
you guys have--

-Oh, God no! No, we've never--
-No, never, ew!

-We've never done that there.
-Never. I still live there.

I mean, we could consider it.

What exactly is the catch?

No catch.

-David!
-What?

-We'll take the place.
-Okay, we'll take the place.

Great, and I'll take this.

So there's a bit of a catch.

[door opens and slams]

You know, Moira, it's not
as bad as I thought.

-Mmm.
-If David sells the store,

and uh... and you get
some part-time work,

and we get a good price
for the car,

I think we can make it through
the first two years easy,

and then we just have
to figure out preschool.

John, as much as I appreciate
your budgetary prowess,

it turns out there is no
immediate need for concern.

Well, now we're all taking
this a little too lightly.

Alexis isn't the one
who's pregnant.

Someone else is, but don't
press me for details,

because I've been sworn
to secrecy.

-You've been sworn--
-It's Jocelyn!

But you're not supposed
to know.

She hasn't told Roland yet.

-Jocelyn!
-Uh-huh.

She was appropriately
gobsmacked herself.

And I must say,
I am entirely relieved.

Yeah, that its not Alexis.

But save that spreadsheet,
John,

and you might want to add
a line item for prophylactics.

Tomorrow's another day.

Yeah, well, don't worry,

I've already had a serious
talk with Alexis,

though now I'm wondering
what exactly...

we were talking about.

[indistinct chatter]

Um, hey, excuse me.

Um. I'm looking for
the registrar's office.

It's in there.

Okay, I'm just like,
a little bit confused,

because on the brochure
it looks like

it's in a moss covered
building by the lake.

So... I'm guessing the quad
is just like,

on the other side
of the building?

The office is in there,
make a right.

A 100%.

[students chatter]

[indistinct music playing]

Ooh...

[music playing on radio]

-Okay, hi. Hi!
-Hmm, what's up?

I am what this brochure calls
a prospective student.

Cool, so you're not
enrolled yet?

No, I am enrolled, um,
prospectively.

I was wondering

if there's like, a campus tour,
or something?

Wow...

Well, it wouldn't be much
of a tour, but...

Yeah, I guess I could walk you
back up the hall, if you want.

Okay, it's just that
this brochure is like,

a little bit confusing.

Yeah, we couldn't afford
in house photography,

so we just used stock images.
See? Watermark there.

[laughs] This is actually

a still from
Dead Poets Society.

I feel like
that's false advertising,

especially considering what
I am paying for these courses.

Yeah, but you get free coffee
and doughnuts.

Oh, and like, um, an agenda.

-[groans]
-Yeah, it's off by a day.

So... I wouldn't use it.

Okay, great, I would like
a refund, please.

Uh, the problem is,
is we don't give refunds.

Okay, then I guess I would
just like my money back, then.

-Again, we don't give refunds.
-Okay, okay.

This is the first time
that I've ever invested

in anything myself,
and I thought that was like,

the responsible choice,
but clearly,

this is, like, a joke school.

Well, that's why most students
do their courses online.

Oh. So like, potentially,

I could refund
my refund request,

do all my courses online,
and like,

never have to ever
come back here again?

That's actually how I keep
my side hustle going,

part-time DJ.

Here's my card, in case
you have any problems,

or you wanna go on a date,
or something.

Okay. Well, I won't be
doing any of that,

but thank you so much.

Ooh!

[door opens]

Please, come in, come in.

-Ooh.
-Welcome.

Umm. Make yourselves at home.

Just so you know, there's
nothing in the fridge.

Oh, and I marked the booze,
so I'll know if you touch it.

I noticed the line

is a couple inches above
where the whiskey starts.

I am stunned
by your generosity.

Umm. Where exactly
are you going tonight?

Out to a spa.

Which she already told us,
so maybe just say thank you.

Oh no, I did, I did say
thank you multiple times.

Um, what is the name
of the spa?

David! Let's just
let her go, okay?

-Okay, yeah.
-[knock on the door]

-Are we expecting company, or?
-No, I wasn't!

Hey, pony! Are you ready to go?

What are you doing? I said
I would meet you outside!

I said I'd help you
with your bags.

David. Wow, it's been a while.

-Pony.
-Hey...

-Mm-mm! Ahem!
-Wow, you look good.

Who's this guy?

-This is my... That's--
-Patrick.

-That's Patrick.
-And you are?

-Picking up Stevie.
-Yeah, we're gonna go, so...

So I'm not getting a name then.

Um, so you and "pony,"

what do you have planned
for tonight?

Well, it's date night,
so we thought maybe

we'd spend it in the woods.

Yeah, just galloping around
the woods, huh?

Yeah, with your "pony."

Not at a spa. So...

-I take it you two are still--
-Seeing each other, yes.

As it turns out we are.

After we all broke up,

Stevie came over to end
things officially,

-and it just didn't stick, so.
-Yeah. Yeah.

No, it didn't stick, did it.

When you say
"we all broke up--"

So you offering your apartment

had nothing to do with
any guilt you felt

about harbouring
a little secret?

Nope. Just trying to be
a good person, so.

We're gonna go,
leave you two lovebirds.

Unless you two wanna come?

Nope! I don't think so.

-Come on.
-You do you.

Good to meet you, man.

[door shuts]

So we're gonna talk
about this, right?

Yep, I'm just gonna grab
that bottle of--

-Whiskey? Yeah.
-Yeah, the whiskey.

[cars rumble]

So Roland,
you're probably wondering

why I'm taking you out
for tacos tonight.

Well honey, you don't need a
special reason for taco night.

No, but there is a special
reason tonight.

[Jocelyn] There's something
that I wanted to
talk to you about,

something exciting.

Oh, hold that thought, honey.

Hey, Johnny, Moira,
Jocelyn's just about to tell me

something exciting,
come and join us.

Oh, no, no, no, far be it
for us to intrude.

No, I think it's best that

Jocelyn share this
life altering news,

whatever it may be, on her own.

Yeah. And we'll probably take
another table,

because I skipped lunch and
you know me when I'm hungry.

Look out! [laughs]

Uh, we'll sit over here.

Johnny, I am not
gonna ask again.

No, no, no.

No, in fact I am
gonna ask again.

-And again. And again.
-Roland--

Get over here,
and sit yourself down!

It's okay Moira, take a seat.

Okay, okay well, John and I
will just study the menu,

as they keep making amendments.

-Yeah.
-[sighs]

Hmm...

So Roland,

you might have noticed
that I've been on a real

Dorito casserole kick lately,

and there's a reason for that.

Besides wanting to keep me
as your husband?

[laughs uproariously]
Am I right, Johnny?

Oh, I don't need to be a part
of this.

The last time I made
that casserole

was when I was pregnant
with Mutt.

And I've really been craving
that casserole again.

Yeah.

Well, that's understandable,
honey,

I mean, it's
a terrific casserole.

I'd kill for a casserole,
right now.

Rollie, how are you
not getting this?

-Have we decided?
-I'm pregnant!

-[gasps]
-We're having a baby.

Oh, my goodness!

Yeah, Twyla, I'm gonna have

the bottomless
French onion soup,

and maybe you might wanna drop
a little calamari on the table.

-John! [gasps]
-Yes! Oh, oh, pregnant?

Wow! Wonderful news.

Hey, congratulations, fella.

Yes, we are stunned!

[gasps]

Honey...are you okay?

Okay? [chuckles]

[laughs wildly]

Of course, I'm okay!

Oh, my God!

We're having a baby!

[applause]

Champagne for everybody, on me!

-I can't drink, Rollie.
-Oh right, you're driving.

Uh you know what Twyla,
actually,

let's just do one beer,
one beer for me. Okay?

Congratulations, you two.

Well, I can honestly say
from the bottom of my heart,

that I couldn't be happier

that this is happening to you
and your family!

[crickets chirp]

So this is for you. Um...

cheers to privacy.

Sorry, I've just gotta go
through that one more time.

So you dated Jake
and then Stevie dated Jake.

Mhmm... mhmm.

And at one point, you all--

No, see, that's where
you're wrong.

-We almost all, but I said no.
-Ah.

Because Stevie and I agreed
that that would be a bad idea,

but it appears that I'm
the only one that held up

my end of that agreement.

And you're upset about this
because you still...

No! I'm not upset!

-I... I don't want any of that!
-No...

It's a principle thing.

And we are getting sidetracked
right now.

Okay? So...

who is feeling sexy?

Getting there for sure,
I just, you know, I...

I knew you had a rich
dating history, David,

I just didn't expect to be
graced by the presence

of two of your exes tonight.

Yeah, funny thing,
neither did I. So...

-But...
-Mhmm?

Given that we only have
the apartment for one night.

-Mmm.
-Maybe it's best if we...

lock that box
back up for now?

-I think that's a good idea.
-Mhmm. Mhmm.

You know what, we didn't even
get into your history--

-Lock it up, David.
-Oh, okay.

Lock it up.

Hey, so I've been thinking
about what you said,

and it is a big expense,

but I think I can find a way
to make it work.

What's happening?

Dad's trying to get me
to drop out of college.

No, that's not what
was happening.

I... I thought we were talking
about something else.

What else?

Oh, he thought
you were pregnant.

-What? Ew!
-Well, we all did.

Oh, my God, that's so mean!

Oh, look who's here.
Where were you all night?

Um... out... side.

I was outside.

A little past curfew.

Oh, burn, David.

I'm sorry, I was processing
Alexis' situation.

-David, Alexis isn't--
-No, it's okay.

Um. I mean, have your fun
now, David,

because when the twins arrive,

I'm gonna really need
your help.

Um, that's a hard pass.

You're gonna be so involved
in their lives.

Mm, your body, your problem.

David, Alexis isn't pregnant.

Okay, but just picture them as
like, tiny little room-mates,

whose tiny little poops
you get to clean up.

Yeah, thanks so much.

[closing music playing]