All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S04E01.WEB-DL.NF.en

[birds chirping]

[cicada buzz]

[footsteps thud]

-[blinds opening]
-[exclaims]

Ha, now that is what I call
a beautiful morning!

Looks like another
full house tonight.

Things are starting
to look up, sweetheart.

-Big waves! Big waves!
-[knock on door]

Oh yes.
Yes, tidal waves of prosperity

are crashing down,
all around us.

Soon enough.
You just wait.

Hey partner,
what's the good word?

There's a dead guy in Room 4.

What?
What do you mean,
there's a dead guy in...

Come in, come in.

[Moira] Did I hear
what I think I heard?

-Has someone been killed?
-[Stevie] No.

No! No, John, no. No!

I have endured a cornucopia
of trauma that last few years,

I draw the line at living
in a crime scene.

Okay, nobody's been murdered,
Mrs Rose.

I went in to clean Room 4,

and this old guy was like,
asleep in his bed.

But like, forever asleep.

[sighs]
Like, checked out
without paying, asleep.

Okay, I think it's a little
early for humour, Stevie.

Oh, I'm sorry, did you just
see a dead body?

What did this gentleman
look like?

-I don't know, like, old.
-John old? Or old, old?

Well, I don't quite see
the relevance in that question,
Moira, the man is dead.

I mean we can't have
the other guests finding out

about a dead body
in one of the rooms.

-[exclaiming]
-Ew! There's a dead body
in one of the rooms?

Okay, I always knew
there'd be a murder here
eventually.

I'm gonna go pack up my things,
I assume we're moving?

We're not packing up
our things,

and everybody just calm down.
Nobody's been murdered.

Okay, the old man in Room 4
died alone in his sleep.

Why do I find that scenario
even more bone-chilling
than murder?

Stevie, do we know how this
man expired?

Do I look like a coroner?

I don't think you want people
answering that question.

It feels like every time the
motel sells out, someone dies.

Uh, we've only sold out
one night.

Exactly.

[theme music playing]

So you and Patrick are
sitting in his car last night,

and you just leaned in
and kissed him?

Okay, what part
of this conversation
don't you understand?

-Okay, and he wanted that.
-Yes.

-Like he told you
that he wanted that.
-Fall off a bridge, please.

You gave me such a hard time
for getting involved with Ted,

and then you just French
your business partner

literally the second he peeks
his head out of the closet.

I'll have you know this is
the healthiest first day

of a relationship
I've ever had.

Well, all I know is that
Patrick is a sweet, little
button-face, David,

so don't mess this up.

-[door opening]
-[Johnny] Oh good,

I'm glad you're both
still here.

We're gonna need your room
for the night,

so uh, pack up.

-Um, no.
-Absolutely not.

The motel is sold out

and we're unable to remove
a body, and disinfect Room 4,
in time for check-in.

Okay, every inch of that
sentence made me sick.

I agree with David,
we must all move on from this.

-Did I say that?
-Well there's no use wasting
time

worrying about what happened.

[Johnny]
We're not worrying
about what happened, Moira,

we're trying to find
a solution,

and I'm gonna need the family
to help us through this.

Okay, why don't the new
guests stay in your room?

It'll take day just to re-box
your mother's wigs.

Oh my God, can you imagine?
Not one of you is trained.

Okay, bottom line,
we need the room,

so throw some things in a bag
and we're gonna set you up
in our room.

Okay, I've never just thrown
some things in a bag before,

so you might have to give me
a minute.

Yeah, and I'm gonna be
sleeping somewhere else.

-Same.
-Like literally anywhere else.

Yeah, like an old tent
by the side of the highway.

Okay, enough,
let's get going, please?

Yes, yes, plenty of work
to be done.

Unfortunately my previous
engagements preclude me

from offering my beneficence
around the motel today.

John, I hate to leave you
like this!

Yeah, I know, Moira,
you know, busy busy.

-I want the room cleaned up
in an hour.
-Okay.

Um, I'm gonna need a roll
of dry-cleaning bags,

and some padlocks.

[door opens and closes]

Okay, so Roland knows a guy
at the coroner's office.

-Wait, you told Roland?
-Yes.

I don't know, I-I ran into him,
and he asked me how I was.

Well, that's not good,
Stevie.

-No, I might have panicked.
-I wouldn't trust Roland
with a set of chopsticks,

-let alone a dead body!
-Yeah.

-Oh, hello!
-Hello.

-Checking out?

[Roland] Hello, Johnny. Stevie.

I come bearing good news.

Okay, Roland, as you can see,

Mr Rose is checking out
a guest right now,

so maybe you can hold off
on that good news?

Oh sure, I got it.

Uh, well let me just say this,

re the toilet
that died in Room 4,

the plumber will be here
in a few hours.

He said he'd be here sooner,
but he has another autopsy.

Toilet on the fritz.

[door opens and closes]

Okay, so, what'd the coroner
say?

My guys will be here between
four and five.

Well, that's not good,
we can't have the guests
watching a dead body

being dragged out of here.

So probably best to keep your
guests in their rooms.

And, how're we gonna
do that?

Do the rooms lock from
the outside?

We're not locking the guests
in their rooms, Roland.

Well, I'm sure they'll be
fine, Johnny.

I saw a lot of dead bodies
when I was a kid...

[in German accent]
And I would say
that I turned out pretty okay.

Hmm.

[dog barking]

[Ted] Thank you very much.
[man] Bye.

-Alexis!
-Oh my God, Ted, hey!

Um, was there like a pet
massacre, or something?

What is with all these sad
looking people?

Uh, nope, all these perfectly
happy-looking people

are actually applying
for your old job.

I literally just quit, Ted.

Again, quit implies
a negative connotation

and I'd say
that we had a pretty
fun time working together.

We did have
a pretty fun time.
[laughs]

That's not what I meant,
but anyway, what's up?

Oh, I just wanted
to thank you again

for coming to my graduation
yesterday.

It was a very sweet surprise.

Oh, it was my pleasure.

-[man] Here.
-Oh, thanks.

And, I also had a question.

Uh yeah, Alexis, I'd love
to answer that question,

it's just I'm kind of right
in the middle

of interviewing these people,
so.

Okay, yeah, totally.
I will just um...

Um...
I actually used to work here.

This used to be my desk, so.

You know, now that you're
here,

I guess you could sit in on
the interviews with me.

Oh. Okay, sure.

Now, everybody,
just so you know,

I got a job here,

and I have literally zero
interest in animals,

so you guys are already, like,
way ahead.

-Okay.
-So... [claps]

Have fun!

[bell jingling]

-Hi.
-Hey.

[laughs]

[clears throat]

So, someone's been busy.

Oh yeah, yeah,
I've been up since 5:00.

Could not sleep,
been thinking about...

Stuff, you know, last night.

Regrets?

What? No, why would I have
regrets?

I don't know, I think it's a,
just a habit to ask.

No, no, no, no. No regrets.

No, I feel good.
I feel like a...

Weight's been sort of
lifted off my shoulders.

It's all very new, you know,
and it's a lot to process,
but...

Well, here's something fun.

Um...
What if I stayed
at your place tonight?

Huh.

It's just that there's some
things happening at the motel,
and I...

Yeah, uh, sorry, David,
maybe I haven't been clear,

I'm gonna need to take this
a lot slower
than a sleepover tonight.

Oh, okay, not like a sleepover
sleepover.

I think it's important that
I be honest with you
about how I'm feeling,

because I know you have a lot
of experience in this area,

-but for me--
-Oh, my God, no,

I mean yes, I do, but that's
not what I'm implying.
That's--

[Moira] Ding-a-ding.

Oh, hey, Mrs Rose.

Um, just takin' this
to the back.

We'll talk about this later.

Okay, yeah, it's just some
crossed wires.

May I help you?

It's startlingly quiet
in here, David.

Is that a good sign?

I thought you were booked up
all day,

and that's why you couldn't
help Dad with the dead--

-That thing in the motel.
-I am booked up, David.

You should see my schedule.

I'm positively bedevilled
with meetings, etcetera.

What are you doing here?

You know what I'd love?
A tea.

We don't sell tea.

Um, you know, I was gonna go
make a run to the cafe,

I could get you a tea
if you want.

-No, that's not necessary.
-How serendipitous.
Thank you, Peter.

-It's Patrick.
-Anything else?

Nothing else for me,
thank you, just the scone.

-You mean the tea?
-Why not. Thank you.

[bell jingling]

Okay, I was in the middle
of, like, a pretty important
conversation,

with my business partner, so...

Sorry, David, I had nowhere
else to turn.

It's probably nothing,
but I think I've killed a man.

I don't know what to do, David.

The last time I felt this
emotionally encumbered,

I was playing Lady Macbeth
on a Crystal Skies cruise ship

during Shakespeare at Sea Week.

Okay, well I don't know
what to do either,

because you still haven't told
me what exactly happened.

[bell jingling]

One tea for you.

One caramel macchiato skim,
two sweeteners,

and a sprinkle of cocoa powder
for you.

Thank you.

-You're very speedy.
-Thanks.

I wasn't sure
about the scone,
so I got one just to be safe.

There's nothing wrong with
treating yourself, dear.

Okay.

Okay, I am pretty sure
that he's ready to quit on me,

-so can you please...
-Very well.

How to get started.

Um, I woke up yesterday morning
with a spring in my step.

-Start later, please.
-I could never know
where the day was--

Fast forward it.

I ran into the elderly
gentleman outside his room

and he asked me
for a painkiller.

-And?
-I told him I didn't have one.

-Okay.
-But I did have one.

In fact, I had several sample
packets in my purse.

I had come from the pharmacy,

and they were just out
in a bowl.

But I refused the man,
and the next thing I know,
he turns up dead!

-Well, why didn't you just
give him the pill?
-Because David,

because I can barely come
to terms with the fact

that I've resorted to
hoarding...
sample packets

of a basic headache medication,

let alone reveal it
to the world.

This is what my life
has come to, David,

killing a man over
a complimentary bolus.

Okay, well are you even sure
that the pill would have
saved his life?

We'll have to let the courts
decide.

The courts?

Well, now that you've unloaded
this on me,
what am I, an accomplice?

David, I came here to be
talked off a ledge, not pushed!

Can you imagine this
in prison?

[Patrick] Can I interject?

I know I wasn't supposed
to be listening

to this conversation,
but it's a small space,

and your voice carries
so beautifully.

-Mmm-hmm.
-Mrs Rose,

I can say with 100% certainty,
you have nothing
to worry about.

Well that's very kind of you,
dear,

but now's not the time
for well-intended placation.

You're legally prohibited
from supplying medication
to your guests,

so by not giving him anything
you've actually avoided

any potential liability
in his death.

Well, there we have it then.

Thank God you're here Pa...

-Trick.
-Trick.

You know how David can get
carried away, I'm sure.

Oh, I do.

Well, I suppose I'll head
back to the scene of the crime,

with which I had nothing to do.

Can I ring that up for you?

I paid way too much for
a wedge of Brie last week,

so let's call it even.

I don't think it works
like that.

Alexis was right,
he's a button.

[bell jingling]

Thanks.

[knocking on door]

[baby crying]

Well, hello there,
my colleague and I

are just checking in to see
how you're enjoying your stay.

Uh, it is what it is.

Oh, well that's excellent.
Excellent.

Now, will you be heading out
this afternoon,

or hanging around the motel?

Uh, I don't know,
I'm just trying to get my kid
to take a nap.

He just gets cranky
if he doesn't, so...

[laughing]
Oh, my son's the same way.

Anyway, we just wanted
to come by,

invite you and your son
to our happy hour,

happening in the motel lobby
between 4:00 and 5:00 p.m.

You're inviting my son
to happy hour?

Well, wrong choice of words.

We prefer to call it
a family hour,

if that makes you feel
any better.

There's gonna be other kids
there?

-Oh, I think,
-No.

[baby crying]

But there is someone staying
with us right now

who works in a quarry.

So, I bet he has a lot
of stories.

And what kind of kid
doesn't like rocks?

Huh?
[laughs]

Maybe he'll even get to take
one home.

[laughs]

-I'm gonna think about it.
-Yeah, it's mandatory.

It's mandatory?

Well again, wrong choice of
words, it's not mandatory,

but there is a fee
for not attending,

so you'll be paying
for it either way.

-What?
-Yeah, so we'll just be by
a little later

to escort you to the lobby.

In the meantime,
you can put your son to bed

and just make sure he's up
and ready to go at 3:55.

-Okay? Bye for now.
-Bye, thank you.

[baby crying]

All right,
thank you very much,
and we will be in touch.

I have to admit, Alexis,

some of your questions
were shockingly effective.

I found it very telling
how many people

would just accept a cocktail
from a total stranger.

-Hmm, thank you.
-Who would've known that Paul
was allergic to cats?

-What was he doing here?
-I'm happy to help.

You know, it is gonna be

different around here
without you.

You definitely had a certain
something,

that I can't quite
put my finger on.

-Thank you.
-Thank you.

Thank you!

[both chuckle]

So you were gonna ask me
something earlier.

Oh, sorry yeah, um,

so something gross happened
at the motel,

so I was actually
hoping I could crash
at your place tonight.

Yeah, normally that'd be
totally okay it's just um,

I have a date tonight.

Oh. Fun.

Okay, um, well maybe I could
like drop my stuff

-and wait, or...
-Yeah,

it's uh just kinda that um,

we may uh, you know, need
the apartment at some point.

Apartment at some point.

My God, like for sex.
[laughs]

I don't know why I thought
you were single.

That's...
Hmm.

Yeah, I thought I had
mentioned her, it's Heather,
the woman with the cat.

Yes, the woman who wanted you
to wash her cat all the time.

Yeah.

I thought that was like
a little casual thing.

It was and then it sort
of turned into more of a thing.

Hmm. Did.
Well, good for Heather.

Thirsty little thing,
isn't she.

Um...
Okay, okay, cool.

Well um, I should probably go.

Alexis, wait.

Who would you hire from today?

Um, I liked the guy
with the glasses.

Me too.

Um, or the guy with
cystic acne. Either or.

-Okay.
-Or the girl with the oily
braid. Also very good.

Okay, lots to think
about there.

-Mmm-hmm.
-Thank you, Alexis.

[birds chirping]

[soft jazz music playing]

So you told your mom
about us, huh.

No, I told Alexis about us,

and she likely told my mom.

-Okay, listen David--
-No you listen...

Sorry that came off way harsher
than I wanted it to.

Uh, I know how this looks,

especially considering
that you just told me

you wanted to take things slow,

but me wanting to stay
at your place,

it was more about
what was happening at--

-Yeah, I... I know that now.
-Okay.

And I'm sorry for assuming
that you just wanted to stay

at my house to...
to sleep with me or whatever.

No, um, it was purely
circumstantial, you know,

because of the dead body
at the...

Right.

You know, when you kissed me,

that, that felt like
my first time.

All the things that
you're supposed to feel,

I-I felt them last night.

Well, if we're being honest
with each other,

this is sort of like
my first time, too.

I mean, it's not, I've kissed
like a thousand people but...

Nobody that I cared about

or...
respected...

or thought was nice.

So in a way, it's like we're
both starting something new.

Thank you, David.

And hey, for the record,

I-I also respect you and think
that you're a good person.

Hmm.

It's just I said nice person.

-I know.
-Oh.

I just need you to say
nice person.

-You're a good person.
-That's not nice.

[Johnny]
Well, hello everyone,
welcome.

Welcome. Hope you're enjoying
the cinnamon buns and vodka.

We thought it was festive in
a Scandinavian sort of way.

Uh, well what a wonderful
opportunity

for all the guests to uh,
get to know each other.

Anyone from out of town?

Well, that makes sense.
[laughs]

-You're all staying
at the motel.
-[door opening]

Um, oh Frank, Frank...
Frank is here.

Frank who works at a quarry.

Did you bring some rocks
in for the kids, Frank?

No, I didn't bring any rocks.

No rocks? Well.

John, the gentlemen outside
need a few more minutes.

Well, I hope the motel
has been servicing--

Well hello, all of you.
Hello, hi.

Isn't this a glittering sea
of hopeful faces.

My lovely wife, Moira.

-[man] We wanna go outside.
-Outside.

Well of course you do, who
doesn't want to go outside?

But it's also important to
cherish what's going on inside.

It's times like these
that reminds one

of the fact that
we're all still alive.

Don't you dare take that
for granted.

One day you're asking
for an anti-inflammatory,

the next day you've passed away
in your sleep!

I think we're getting a
little off-topic, sweetheart.

The point being, no one knows
when we're going to die!

Or be implicated in,

-and then suddenly cleared
of someone else's death.
-[car enging starting]

So, so, drink up! Go outside!

And live your lives!

And thank you all for
spending this hour with us.

I hope you enjoyed the
complimentary refreshments.

Okay, people,
let's leave the cups inside.

We're not in Vegas, here.
Thank you.

[closing music playing]